[Summer Contest Entry 2016] - Blizzards Before August

This is my first time taking part in the summer contest...

Please be gentle, Senpai!

...

No, just kidding.

Please rip it to shreds if it deserves that, just explain why it's shit please ^_^.

Anyway, after the next couple lines is my entry, 'Blizzards Before August'.

[color=red]It's exactly 2500 words[/color], counting from 'I woke up' to 'The End'.

It's on the cutting edge of the word limit.

Okay, I should probably be sliced for that pun but you get the point.

With all that said, I hope you enjoy it!

[size=24]
[color=blue][/color]
[/size]

I woke up this morning with an unusual chill. The weather forecast said it would scorchingly warm today, yet my house was icy - much colder than a typical day, even in winter. I rose my bed and stretched with obnoxious grunts before turning to face my closet with sliding doors. I opened up my closet to see if I could find a coat or a hoodie. There were piles of dirty sheets and a few blankets on the closet floor.

“What a mess. I guess I should do some laundry soon.”

Just like every time I repeated my thoughts aloud, I’d soon forget to do whatever it was I needed to. Regardless, there was no jacket - I probably packed it into storage for the summer when I moved to this apartment. I sighed and closed the door, putting a trip to storage on my to-do list. I walked over to the bathroom sink, which was oddly in my bedroom instead of the bathroom itself - it was like a miniature en-suite, in my shitty one bedroom apartment.

I was a mess, too. My hair pointed in various directions and had a ruffled, oily appearance.

“Well, maybe a shower wouldn’t hurt.”

With this thought, I enter my bathroom only to realize there’s no towel on the rack. That’s why I needed to do my laundry. I was currently broke so I couldn’t get laundry done even if I wanted to since my only option was to use a local laundromat. I could always borrow some money and pay it back next Friday, but I’d have to figure out who has money to loan out right now.

“Damn, I only need like, twenty bucks. So close.”

My budgeting this month was a failure. Yet, my parents were probably more penniless than I was, so asking them was out of the question. My brother was an asshole who wouldn’t lend me money even though I did the same for him in the past, so that would be a waste of time and energy. The only person I could think of was Eric, a good friend of mine. But, he probably worked today so it wasn’t worth bothering him on the phone if he was at work.

“Well, I can always ask my boss for a small advance…”

I itched my hair a few times and promptly decided that meeting my boss like this would be incredibly stupid. I grabbed a few dirty towels from the gargantuan pile of clothes and other random stuff in the middle of the room, smelling them until I found one that was somewhat acceptable. Afterward, I entered the bathroom again and threw the towel atop the toilet tank.

Finally, I hopped into the shower went to turn the knob and get started, but nothing came out. I definitely paid my sewer, water, and garbage fee this month, so that couldn’t be happening.

Well, I suppose for now I’d throw on some dirty clothes and complain to apartment management. I found my paint-covered black jeans and a green lucky charms shirt in the pile, and threw them on. I had enough socks, but that was all I had enough of. None of them seemed to match, though.

I went to the kitchen/living room area, which was connected but separated by a single thin wall at the back of the oven and small counter. It was freezing in here too, so after shivering for about ten seconds, I went back into my bedroom and draped myself with the quilt from my bed. I reentered to the kitchen and opened my microwave - the ramen I forgot I cooked last night still sat in there. It was frozen solid now, which was quite bizarre.

“What the hell is this?”

I slammed the microwave door shut and walked to the front door. My doorknob was frozen over and a frozen puddle lay at the base of the door. I knew something was seriously wrong now. I opened the window, but instead of the sun and bright blue sky, all I saw was a storm of snow and hail. The winds chilled me to the bone, so I closed the window immediately.

The situation was so strange that no one would believe me even if I told them and showed pictures to prove it, but I still needed to get someone to let me out of my house. I could probably use the excuse that my lock jammed and I can’t open my door, but I’d have to call a few locksmiths first to see if they can do something. Oh, wait... I had no money for that.

“Guess I better call someone…”

I walked over to the dining table and sifted through the cluttered mess of papers and plastic wrappers, most of which were used flavor packets from ramen. I should probably make it a priority to clean my apartment sometime soon, but only after I figure out what’s going on. After unburying my phone, I called my brother’s roommate Cody, the only person I knew well enough to ask for favors who was also strong enough to bust down a door.

“Hey Cody, how you doing?”

“Can’t talk right now James, my fucking door was frozen. I had to break the damn thing open. It’s snowing a literal fuckton outside. I’ll call you back.”

Before I could say goodbye in response, he hung up. It was odd that this weather wasn’t occurring just here--or was it? Regardless, it sounded it was pretty bad at my brother’s place, too. It appeared that I would have to solve my problems alone, without outside help.

I could always break the window and tie some sheets into a makeshift rope, but I’d definitely lose my deposit for that. Oh, what the hell. My deposit was only nine hundred bucks, anyway, I can live without that - but a shower and clean clothes is a different story.

Before I return to my bedroom I notice I closed the door out of habit. In this situation, that makes me an idiot. I wouldn’t even need to break my window to lose my deposit - I’d have to bust open my shitty wooden bedroom door before it froze around the frame or something stupid. I tried the handle initially to see if I could avoid that, but my hand stuck to it. Well, that was pretty stupid.

“Shit. This isn’t good.”

I tried removing my hand from the doorknob slowly, but it wouldn’t budge. Well, now I’m stuck to a fucking doorknob. Perfect. I always knew I was an idiot, but this was taking it to a whole new level. Though a close second would probably be the time I microwaved a chicken pot pie covered in tin foil and the microwave exploded. Ah, good times. I still had scars on my arms from that. Well, I had to get the door open without ripping the skin off my hand, but I had no idea how.

Instead of thinking deeply on it, I rammed the door with my shoulder, which did nothing except hurt my shoulder. Damn, I couldn’t even bust open a cardboard box with my strength, most likely. I was pretty out of shape. Using my broken arm or torn elbow ligaments were excuses I used for years and for just about anything, but I’m pretty sure those wouldn’t save me now.

I was just a lazy fuck who just barely held on to my jobs and tried to not work hard as much as possible. I didn’t sign up to break down doors. As I lamented my own powerlessness, I heard a cracking noise. I turned my head in horror to see that my living room windows had cracked - now this place was holding nearly no heat at all.

Way to go, James. You probably ruined the window when you slammed it carelessly. Once again, your failures are the result of your own carelessness.

Negative thoughts aside, what the hell was causing this storm in the first place? I’d love to find out, but I’m just an ordinary, less-than-average dude who lives paycheck to paycheck. I had no hope of solving the problem with my mediocre talents, shitty mechanical skills, and undereducated mind, so why bother? Instead of worrying about that, though, I decided that my hand came first - I was losing feeling in it, and that couldn’t be good.

I ripped my hand from the doorknob and began screaming in agony, clenching my now bleeding right hand against my chest.

“FUCK! WHY DID I DO THAT?! WHY?!?”

I cried and screamed, bawling my eyes out and kicking the walls like a hurt child who was throwing a tantrum. Damn, my pain tolerance is actually pretty low. Thinking back, closing the door was the biggest mistake of my day so far - note to self, never close doors unless necessary.

I struggled to my feet after several minutes of obnoxious screeching and shouting, only to find the door easy to push open gently. The door catch didn’t work well, but it worked well enough to catch if you tried to open it too fast.

“I can’t fucking believe I forgot how to open my own damn door.”

As I cursed my recklessness, wasted energy, and pointless injuries, I stumbled to the bathroom sink and turned the hot water lever, intending to rinse my bloody hand off.

Oh, wait… I don’t have running water. Shit.

Upon this revelation, I realized that I was out of options. I had to suffer a slow and painful death with no chance of survival, because I’m either too stupid to see what I could do or too lazy to think about it. I fell to my knees in despair and contemplated ways to die that were less painful than freezing to death. Taking the easy way out seemed so nice now, but I didn’t have the courage to kill myself using a knife, and I didn’t own any guns… so that was unfortunately out.

Maybe, just maybe I can overdose on painkillers… I have enough Tylenol and Ibuprofen.

I quickly banished the thought. Even if considering suicide, I refused to fall to the level of becoming a junkie or being seen as one. In that case, are there any dignified ways to die in this situation?

“Wait! Why didn’t I think of this before… I have lighter fluid and matches in the kitchen, so why don’t I just make a fire?”

Oh. I’m indoors, that’s why. Well shit, it’s been a nice run.

I could always hang myself or something, but that would be pretty undignified, too.

Don’t give up now. Just calm down and think, James.

My brain wasn’t great, but I did have an overactive imagination. Maybe I could use something in this strange situation? I combed through my ideas as much as possible, not dismissing anything. If something was crazy enough, it might just work.

It was too cold in here now, though… I needed to find a safe way to make a fire and keep it going. I had lots of cardboard boxes and random papers, but I also had to make a way to contain the fire. If it reached the ceiling, I’d be fucked no matter what because it would spread.

I have pots and trays I can probably use. Making a fire in them would be tricky but containing it and keeping it alive wouldn’t be too difficult.

With these thoughts, I entered the kitchen and sleeved my hands with the oven mitts hanging over the back of the stove. I bit the inside of my lip a bit as the pain from my bleeding hand started coming back again - I’d gotten used to it by now, but it was still pretty painful. I opened the cabinets and removed a few aluminum dough trays and a cast iron stewpot, placing them on the dining table.

“This will probably work.”

I opened the cabinets under the sink and took out the lighter fluid, placing it on the counter near the sink. The matches were a bit harder to find, since they were among the clutter of my dining table, which I used as a trash pile and storage area instead or its original function. After some digging, I managed to find the matches - still unopened in its plastic packaging since I hadn’t bought that charcoal grill I wanted yet.

After removing the stiff but weak frozen plastic, I set the matches next to the light fluid. After arranging the pot and trays in a way that propped the lid above the iron pot, I began gathering and tearing up cardboard boxes. I didn’t remember it being this difficult, though - could it be because they’re really cold and hard to grip? No, I’m probably just a wimp, as usual.

After tearing up a lot of cardboard, I place some of the random papers sitting on the dining table into the pot and drenched them in lighter fluid. I threw some cardboard on top, pouring a bit less on it. After igniting the match and tossing it in I flinched a bit, expecting the flames to burst up around the lid covering the pot. Nothing happened. I must have thrown the match in too quickly and put it out.

I tried again, not minding my previous failure. This time, I placed the lit match on the spots where I poured lighter fluid over it directly. Nothing - except, this time, the match instantly went out as soon as it touched the traces.

What the fuck. I couldn’t even make a fire now? That means I’m screwed.

As I thought it was just about time to cut my losses, I heard a strained voice, almost elderly sounding.

“Save… me…”

I stood upright as shivers traveled up and down my spine. It was pretty icy, but that was ridiculous. Hallucinations on top of useless matches? What a day this turned out to be. As I tried to turn around, my feet were freezing to the floor.

Yup, I think I’m done. No point in fighting it anymore, I’m worthless either way.

At least I had a meager amount of life insurance coverage. Who knows? If they somehow find my will among this mess, maybe they’ll give the money to my nephew. I willed it to him instead of my other family members because even though I wanted to be a father, I knew that I’d be a bad parent and decided against it. Being an uncle was a fun close second, what with being able to spoil the brats and getting in trouble with their parents.

Being a cool uncle that gives their nephews and nieces stuff would have been pretty nice… too bad it had to be from the grave.

With that, I sat down carefully, ensuring my legs didn’t force my feet to rip from the floor. I accepted my fate, and eventually froze over until my consciousness faded…

[size=18][color=red]The End.[/color][/size]

At first, I saw those puns and was expecting to cringe a lot at your terribad humor, but there wasn't really any humor in the story at all. Pretty depressing overall is how I'd describe it.

You always say how you're the least skilled writer on the community project, but don't downplay yourself too much - you're definitely improving, and it seems you're changing your writing style, too. I like this new style and hope it's here to stay. Or not, whatever you wanna do it's up to you. It's your life.

Wow, I pmed a couple other people first but it you got right on reading it.

Thank you so much!

Also, what did you find interesting or good about it?

What kinds of things could I improve on?

Did you find any plot holes?

I can wait, but I'm always excited to hear feedback.

No problemo. I can do that for you, but I'll need some time to analyze the story and stuff before giving any advice. I thought your story was kind of depressing, but that's not really a flaw in and of itself. I'll let you know if I find any plot holes or inconsistencies, though the only thing I'm still curious about is that old man voice, or was it old woman, that said "Help... Me..." Seems a bit anticlimactic to pass it off as a hallucination and accept death so easily.

Another thing I noticed was that it felt like I was really reading about someone's real life, down to the habits and daily routines. It was stunningly realistic until the blizzard kicked in and bad ice logic happened. The interaction between MC and his friend Cody were pretty realistic too. Oh, and you used your own name for the main character... Am I reading too deep into this, or is this story loosely based on your own real-life activities?

Thanks!

I'll be waiting.

I actually aimed for kind of depressing, so if that's the impression then my plan worked.

As for using my own real name for the main character - it was a shared product of laziness and hastiness, which is true to the character and my own nature.

I really do like to finish my work at my jobs with the least effort, so some of it would surely be 'based on a true story'.

I felt like if I put off finishing this until tomorrow I'd have worse results, or I'd start over, or worse give up on it.

Better to submit garbage than nothing at all.

I'm glad you don't think it's absolute trash, though!

Also, my writing style is still changing, this is the current style, but I think I like the dialogue in its own lines, without person/action interference.

It allows me to fill in more details about their actions in separate paragraphs while I make the dialogue short and interesting - well, as much as possible.

Truthfully speaking, I may not be as bad as I say I am but I still have many miles to run before I catch up with You, Thomas or Yanker in terms of writing skill.

Maybe I just compare myself too much and judge myself too harshly, though?

They do say that a writer is their own harshest critic.

Hopefully I'm wrong, but I think I'm still pretty bad at writing overall.

My realistic progression is at a very low level, my vocabulary is barely passable, my character development is next to non-existent, and my plots are a mess of disorganization and cluttered with pointless details and plot holes.

Whew, that's a mouthful.

With this, I should probably shut up because I'll probably lose points for downplaying my other works in this thread.

Thanks for taking the time to review my stuff, and see you later.

Allow me to just state how I feel about this entry. I will not go in depth, perhaps later. It is frustrating at the first read but somewhat entertaining at a second read once I know what is going on. Your stories tend to be very miserable and usually end up with someone dying! I believe it is for this reason I take to what you write somewhat. In fact I find your submissions occasionally funny.



PS: Some parts I found a little convincing like how one can get oneself injured by touching a frozen doorknob and the attempts to start a fire, if only because it is difficult to make things like that up. I hope it isn't based on personal experience!

What puns are there again?

Yeah, I'm not sure why but I enjoy my time writing dark stories of anguish and lamentation than bright and happy stories of progress and success.

I guess I must be pretty twisted.

I'm also glad but not surprised you picked up on the point of this story ^_^. After figuring out the point of your submission, I figured you wouldn't take too much time figuring it out, but I actually did a good job this time if it took you until the last few lines.

I intended it to be very subtle about the story's point, and to this end I chose to try and confuse readers with ridiculous inner dialogue, like going off about being an uncle and the 'hallucinations' that showed him losing his sanity.

The subplots about calling people, climbing out the window and making a fire were also used both to make it feel realistic and throw the reader off from the story's point just a little bit more. If people get to the point so easily it's no fun, is it?

But now that you pretty much figured it out, I'll also reveal what point I want people to think the story has on their first time reading, spoilers:



As for the doorknob and the fire - one of those DID happen to me personally, though not with a doorknob.

I once casually grabbed a frozen pole to a swingset as a kid, and I remember flailing about and bawling for quite a while before my father came by to pick me up from the park.

I was surely bleeding, but it probably wasn't as bad as the exaggeration in this story.

That was 14, almost 15 years ago... man I feel old now.

As for the fire, I just applied my knowledge that even flammable liquids will put out a small flame if they're under a certain temperature, though since that temperature varies wildly and I forgot the ignition temperature of lighter fluid, I decided to be vague about it rather than detailed.

In most cases, a flammable liquid would have to be practically nearly frozen before it puts out a small fire. Not to mention that a hot enough flame will likely still heat the liquids to the ignition temperature even if it's not directly touching them.

Chemistry classes back in high school taught me few things, but this is one of the few that stuck.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to review my work ^_^ You've been a great help, and I hope you enjoyed reading it the second time as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Oh, the puns were actually in the bit before the story.

You know, how my story's on the cutting edge of the word limit, and I should be sliced for making such a terrible pun.

I tend to skip through what is written if I cannot figure out what is happening which is I didn't like the entry much at the first read.

I didn't find it depressing or see that as a setup for a mystery because there is I feel a lack of a setup and it wasn't made clear that the protagonist wanted to attempt to leave the house or at least figure out what is happening in the first few paragraphs.

Given our clumsy our hero is, it feels more comedic to me.

PS: You have talked about writing styles in your exchange in the previous posts. Personally, I am uneasy changing the style I am used to. Writing nonsense, is kind like pulling a prank on someone for me. There is a sadistic urge gratified when I write in that style.

If you want me to write something more serious, then I think it'd be much longer than most contest entries.

I don't have much time now, but I do want to reply to this part specifically for now.

I don't write that much or read that many books, so I don't actually have a writing style I'm used to, yet.

I'm still doing lots of experimentation and improvement, integrating different things into my style and changing it bit by bit.

Basically, it's as if a child is trying to grow up quickly to catch up in skill with the other adults they're working with.

Maybe not the best analogy, but hopefully it helps understand why I am doing this... constantly.

I think you went overly into detail about the MC's every-day life, down to his 'getting dressed, showering,' etc. It felt a bit disjointed to read, since there wasn't a clear objective in mind while I was reading. However, I'd like to say the mystery of the blizzard really drew me in, and I'm disappointed that I'll never find out what caused it or who the elderly voice belonged to. To be honest, it felt like kind of a let down when the MC just died because the story never really built up to anything - there was no climax.

I will say that your prose from the middle towards the end has improved greatly from your other works. It could be even better if you cut the unnecessary parts. If I were to use an analogy, I would say that your prose at the moment is like a tree branch that needs to be trimmed. There are too many tangential thoughts and opinions that branch off from the main line of thought, which distract the reader and make them question the direction the plot is going.

I know it's hard to understand what I'm saying, but I did my best to put into words. Creative writing is quite abstract after all.

Thanks for reading this work!

Your feedback is always very insightful, and I usually improve quite a bit just from taking what you say and applying it ^_^.

I guess I made a few mistakes at the core of this story, in addition, that I only just now realized looking back - it wasn't my original intention to explore the mystery of the blizzard or the elderly voices, but I probably should have in hindsight.

The point of the story was mostly to make some people laugh (mostly those with twisted senses of humor like mine) but also to show how miserable I was and how shitty my living conditions were and that it was also my own fault.

Though, thinking back - I could have probably still accomplished this a lot more briefly and still had room to write about the blizzard.

Maybe not the voices, that was kind of a supernatural phenomenon thrown in to make this work fall just barely under all three genres of Horror, Mystery and Supernatural.

Because I couldn't pick one, in the end my work suffered for it and anyone can see it's still pretty bad (even me while writing it, I just didn't know how bad it was).

But still, I am becoming more and more fond of the way I break up dialogue and exposition, I used this same writing technique to finish chapter 10 of Sekai no Yami (still under editing, making minor corrections).

It's still changing, and I'll likely change the way I describe people/objects again in the future, but I think my dialogue is in its final form.

I seem to prefer describing actions or expressions in separate paragraphs because I always find my dialogue itself to be fairly long and it seems like a waste of space on the same paragraph and makes it feel too cluttered when I write something along the lines of:

"I think we should stay low and listen..." whispered Shuusa.

I much prefer:

Shuusa ducked into the tall grass. Kanst and Barbaricia quickly followed suit.

"We might hear something of value, pay close attention..."

The soldiers talked mostly about how terrible their job was, and about recent invasions. However, something interesting was brought up after a few minutes of pointless chatter.

"So the supreme general is apparently being contested for leadership."

...

Yeah, those were spoilers, but you get the point.

I feel like the typical model of 'dialogue action/person or dialogue person/action' just doesn't fit me.

I much prefer describing expressions and situations in the paragraphs before and after dialogue.

Well, I can't thank you enough for both your feedback here as well as all your help on the project.

The other members might do fine, but I'd definitely be lost without you guys... Writing is a tough process for me and you and the others give me the motivation to keep on writing.

Thank you.

Reading this entry again, a parody is forming in my mind. The work that I am proud of are usually knock-offs, parodies or a rewrite of other people's work. Here is a thread filled with them by the way.

Campaigning and Mudslinging

I see your story opening with abnormally cold weather and snide references to global warming followed by the setting up of a mystery plot. Perhaps it can be calls from friends that suggest that the cold weather is not really an act of God. I can imagine one friend telling the main character that he is enjoying his summer while our hero freezes.

Make it clear that the hero needs to leave his house and find out what is going wrong only to be convinced that tidying up his house is a more pressing issue to our poorly advised main character. After deciding that it is finally time to leave the house, the hand is stuck on the doorknob.

Our hero dies ignobly of course. But the story doesn't end before an advertisement playing on the television about a weather machine that caused all of this. Maybe I might imply that it is a setup so that our hero dies and someone can claim insurance.

Well, I initially wanted the storm to be a widespread mystery MC needs help from others to solve, but he was still destined for death at the end regardless...

There were a lot of things I wanted to do but couldn't, due to the 2500 word limit.

I hit the word limit exactly, just out of spite for the word limit even existing.

It was my way of trying to be a smartass in response to the word limit stopping me.

...

Well, those parodies are pretty funny!

When I have time I'll make a post about them and talk about the ones I read so far in your thread ^_^.

...

On a sidenote, I actually didn't think of those as snide references to global warming when I wrote them, but you seeing it that way makes the meaningless introduction more meaningful, so thank you for that ^_^!

As promised, here is the parody of your entry. Now I need to start recording my entry!

Blizzards during August

James was a man who is a product of his times. He is a bright and young bachelor, living by himself in a rather spacious apartment and is currently on a sabbatical of sorts to enrich himself with a university course. This is of course a tactful way of saying that he is living hand to mouth with no girlfriend let alone fiancée in a poorly maintained rented apartment after taking on huge amounts of debt to finance his studies at a university for a degree of questionable value in the job market.

He worked for a pittance in a part time job while managing schoolwork. However, since, he is unwilling or unable to set aside time for housekeeping, his home resembled something that one sees in a warzone with clothes carelessly strewn, papers littered all over the floor with the occasional vermin darting to and fro. It was not the best of circumstances but James managed to keep his sanity by ironically harbouring self-delusions of him leading the life of that object of adoration, the eligible and sought after bachelor. It was not desirable but he managed until that very fateful day in which the story will go into detail.

It all started when James woke up to the sound of a barely functional television set that was tucked in the corner of his apartment, featuring a newsreader who said the following:

"This August saw the highest global average temperatures ever since records begun. Scientists say that should the trend of ever rising temperatures continue, in less than one decade, farmers will be put out of jobs due to bumper crops decimating food prices, seal populations will drop due to thinning ice encouraging polar bear predation, textile industries will be badly hit due to staggering drops in demand of winter clothing and healthcare conglomerates will risk collapse due to a lack of illnesses brought about by the cold.

In other news, the searing August heat has sent hordes of refugees thronging the already crowded beaches. Residents living near beachfronts all over the country have expressed apprehension over the scantily clad arrivals..."

Just as the first sound he heard was the reading of the news on the television, the first action he took that fateful day was an almighty yank of the power cable that connected the television to the power source. These were followed by the first words he uttered for the day which were,

"Bloody right wing propaganda..."

James was rightly sceptical of what he heard on the news for he wasn't enjoying a warm and pleasant summer, he wasn't even chafing under the summer heat. Instead his body was convulsed an unseasonal cold spell made all the worse by the fact that he was dressed for the summer.

With his arms and legs quivering involuntarily due to the sheer cold, he stared intently at the thermostat for a few minutes which of course showed very low temperatures and then he opened the dust caked curtains only to find that the windows were covered in frost. If James thought that by doing so, he would be reassured that his sensory faculties are not out of order, he'd be right and relieved. If James thought that by doing so, the weather would revert back to normal, he'd be wrong and delusional. Either way, the more he stared at thermostats and frosty windows the more he was convinced that winter had come and that he would be badly screwed.

This crisis of sorts was accentuated by the fact that he had little money on him and that his friends and family were physically rather far away from him now. This of course made it quite difficult for him to seek help from others.

James can of course choose to help himself but there were a few impediments. First, he attempted to leave the apartment only to find out that the winds were strong and it was snowing. Second and rather damning for James, was that despite the amount of rent he had to pay, the heating appliances in his apartment weren't functioning. Third and perhaps most important of all, James, to be very polite, was not the proactive type who can brave snowfalls and think of ways to keep himself warm that do not involve electrical appliances.

This left James in quite a conundrum and he could have been on the way to a mental breakdown if not for the television, his mobile phone and his laptop, these devices to which men and women of this age look to for spiritual solace. James could at least reach out to people he knew and source for information pertaining to his wintry predicament.

He reattached the plug for his television set as quickly as he pulled it out a short while ago only to be treated to yet more dry news,

"An unseasonal cold snap is paralysing parts of the country due to cold winds blowing from the warming Arctic. Scientists are unsure how long the cold snap will last with projections lasting from a few days to a few weeks. They are however certain that this is caused by increasing global temperatures worldwide..."

James, who was rather dismissive of the news moments ago, took this report rather seriously. Waiting for the cold snap to go away and for normal summer weather to return is not an option for him now seeing that it might last a few days if he is lucky or a several if he wasn't. Either way, it was a death sentence of sorts. Yet, like any patient who is diagnosed with AIDS or any other terminal disease, James decided to seek a second opinion, this time from his laptop, searching for news from 'alternate news sites' and internet fora, those bastions of unquestionable truth for men and women of this age. He went to a few sites and read a few articles pertaining to the weather (or climate) conditions over at his place. Here are a few explanations that were noteworthy but not for reasons a sane and rational man might think:

1. Contrails are used to increase the concentration of aerosol like gases that will cool the atmosphere thereby lowering temperatures. This might explain the frequency of fighter jets whizzing across the sky spewing their climate cooling gases in the process.

2. State of the art weather machines are discreetly installed at locations around the city. Supposedly, these machines are able to create what is known as a 'endothermic reverse heat island effect' which lower temperatures city wide. The technology behind these weather machines are so 'state of the art' that even conspiracy theory websites have difficulty concocting what might be the mechanism of those machines.

Here are a few suggestions about why the forces that be want such weather (or climate) conditions:

1. There is a Malthusian and Darwinian conspiracy to freeze part of the population to death thereby saving the Earth and eliminating persons who cannot stand a bit of cold from passing their genes down to future generations. The government would not need to dole out that many pensions and they could balance their budgetary deficits from a hike in death taxes.

2. The insurance oligarchy is seeking to eliminate competition from smaller insurance firms by creating extreme weather conditions that result in lots of illnesses, deaths and even more claims. These claims would of course bankrupt their competitors and in the dearth of competition, the insurance oligarchy can raise premiums that will be imposed on a gullible public who thinks that buying more insurance would mean more security for them.

3. A sinister circle of those from the baby boomer generation are in collusion with the insurance oligarchy to take advantage of the deaths of their parents who are from the supposedly "Greatest Generation" but not great enough to survive the cold once they turn old and decrepit, and their "Generation Snowflake" millennial children who ironically are more likely to die in a blizzard or a cold snap than those from the "Greatest Generation", to claim insurance money.

4. The government wishes to build a large natural reserve and amusement theme park called "Winterland" around the area where James lived. This natural reserve will be home to flora and fauna that tend to inhabit the tundra. By bringing the permafrost further south from the Arctic Circle, the government hopes to reel in dollars from masochistic tourists who want to experience sub zero temperatures all year round.

Reading that warmed the cockles of James's heart that prior to this, was slowly sinking into despair. He laughed, laughed and laughed till he developed a very bad cough. Nonetheless, all of that exertion made James forget about the cold and lulled him into a false sense of security that everything will be alright.

"All of these stories in the media are scare stories. Cold snaps don't last for that long and no one can come up with something that contrived to earn money or 'save the Planet'", James thought to himself as he huddled in the corner and shut his eyes in an attempt to go back to sleep though he just woke up hours ago.

Days later, many people died due to the cold snap. However since it happens more or less every year, the media and indeed the general public paid little attention to it.

Weeks later, James's parents were cashing in from the insurance money paid out due to an Act of God which saw James's parents being one son poorer and hundreds of thousands of dollars richer.

Months later, the country enjoyed a short term economic boom brought about by increased economic activity in mortuaries, funeral parlours, insurance companies and hospitals. The government is optimistic that in the years to come, the deficit will narrow due to the drop in welfare and pension payouts.

Years later, the neighbourhood James lived in was turned into a ghost town due to the sheer cold and the permafrost conditions. This was when plans to start a nature reserve at the site where James lived came into being.


[size=10]This has been a segment of the Conspiracy Theory Show sponsored by impressionable viewers like you. [/size]

I hate to admit it, but your parody is 100x better than my original work lol.

I was laughing the entire time I read this, and that list of conspiracy theories was just plain ridiculous... yet believable at the same time.

The fact that such bold claims are written so casually and in such detail adds to their 'appearance of credibility' that makes people likely to believe it when they have little to no information.

Also, the fact that as a result of my death, my broke-ass parents got rich was ironic and funny too.

I mean, they're poorer than I am so this would actually be kind of hilarious.

If I die in an unexpected cold snap I want my family to benefit from my life insurance just like this lol.

Also, that moral of the story, followed by the disclaimer in extra small text... fucking brilliant lol.

You have all of the applause I can give you over the internet, I'm even tempted to record myself clapping and upload it to youtube just for this.

I am glad you liked it. I would really like you to do an audio recording of the entry and upload it to Youtube!

I wrote this parody with the US in mind of course. A lot of the humour in this parody is topical humour with many references to current affairs and I really wonder if people 10 or 20 years later would appreciate it. The words, "The government", feel a little awkward to me now that I have reread it. You don't use that phrase that often in political discourse do you? Normally, you would say Obama, Bush, Clinton or whoever is running the government instead of "the government".

I very much enjoyed reading this, and even laughed out loud to "bloody right wing propaganda." It's a very well-made parody of the original, with well-thought out reports and theories, referencing much of global concerns like global warming and population control. That much makes you think a little about how such things would play out in such a ridiculous situation.

The words "the government" are actually quite acceptable. Although many members of our far left or right sides would likely blame candidates for such things, there exist people who do blame "the government" for everything under the sun and they are called "libertarians." Other than "the government," they'll also blame "the president," "those blockheads in the senate," and "the morons in congress."

I was hoping that it might provoke a few thin skinned people though. Writing pieces like these is easy for me because all I need to do is to refer to current events. Coming up with original stories is a challenge for me. Not these however.

Thank you for clarifying how the US uses the phrase 'government'. I feared it didn't sound proper when I used in that parody.