[Summer Contest Entry2012] A Time in Heaven, Forever in Hell

Jericho Antares · 2012-06-13T16:18:13+00:00

I was looking down at a set of footprints that stretched a thousand miles. They were mine. The memories were gone and the prospect was impossible, but I couldn't argue with the man slumped against the skeleton of a nearby bus reeking of decomposing flesh. He still had my sandy blonde hair and clutched the same picture I had nestled in my breast pocket. I crouched in front of myself and fought the urge to gag while I stared into my own dead pupils. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't. I wanted to tell him how lucky he was to be dead. I stood and stepped away from myself, waving at the air to dispel "my" recent lack of hygiene before I looked down and felt a chill along my spine. The uninterrupted set of my own footprints lay ahead—leading where I've never been. My tracks weren't the problem, though, it was the delicate prints of smaller feet leading directly away from the man who was once myself. I knew exactly what they were without knowing anything about them. There's only one thing I thought a man can do with that kind of contradiction: follow. So I did. I walked next to the tracks under the ever-present eye of some sadistic biographer penning down the story of the most pathetic man in the world. The eye burned and illuminated these blasted lands to “capture the mood”. It warped time and condensed infinity into a millisecond. Sol was so much more reasonable. It's hard to say exactly when it happened, but eventually I found a town. A somehow surviving relic of the old west town whose only lifeline was a railroad. In fact, the only thing missing was the railroad. Respite was a fitting name for the place though. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen a living face that wasn't a photograph or a building that wasn't a wispy shadow from another lifetime. The people hardly passed for living, but it beat the charred carcasses that had been entering and leaving my life. The buildings were the real respite, and one in particular came to mind. There was no such thing as a watered down drink in 15 but everyone still found a way to never get drunk. After the eighth round of the most caustic whiskey I had ever had I realized that I shared their disability. All I got was a headache from the pounding music and a strong desire to keep drinking. No one can say I didn't try to forget my problems, so I finally decided to pursue them. I drummed an empty glass on the bar and the bartender appeared in an instant, bottle of whiskey at the ready. I pulled the old picture in my pocket out and put it on the bar. “Have you seen this woman?” I asked the man, who observed the photograph with keen eyes while pouring amber liquid into my glass—lifting the bottle without taking his eyes off the picture. “It's been a while but you can't forget that face. Eve. She came through here, what was it, four months ago?” As the name left his mouth it sprang to the front of my mind. Evelyn. A whole past rushed down in a torrent that I decided to add more whiskey to. Evelyn--It made her feel too formal. It was nice to know she still preferred Eve. The first woman I had loved after I realized I didn't know what love was at 20. The same one I played a worldwide game of cat and mouse with over a copy of Sherlock Holmes. The same one I left crying on the shores of Greece. Eve. The footprints were hers. I had to find her. “Was she with anyone? Where'd she go? What'd she do here? Did she talk to you?” The words fell from my mouth like saliva from a St. Bernard but the bartender smiled and put down the whiskey while he stroked his Van Dyck mustache in thought. “No, west, sing, and yeah she kind of had to. She worked for me for a bit. Nice girl when she wanted to be.” “So not very often.” “We are talking about the same girl after all. Yep. She came, she sang, and she went. Not under the best of circumstances, though.” I raised my eyebrows. He smiled wider and poured me another. “You look familiar, stranger. You got a name?” He asked me as I knocked back the most recent round. I inhaled through ground teeth and nodded. “Adam Claerburn.” “Adam and Eve? Now there's a bad joke.” “My life's a bad joke.” “Now there's a nugget of truth," My eyes narrowed. "Well. Sounds to me like you got what you were looking for. Don't be afraid to hang around here for a bit though. It's hot as hell this time of day—not the best time to go off chasing some girl.” “I've already wasted enough time on this,” I indicated the empty glass and scowled at it. I had already been at a bar for 5 years. Another second gone when Eve got another second farther away was too much. “Oh it's alright. I'm sure you'll find your way back here some day. Everyone ends up missing this little place eventually. Ask for me when you get back. Just holler 'Xenon'.” With that Xenon strode back along the bar and chatted up another lost soul. I put a fifty on the bar and left. West Respite was a graveyard that outgrew itself. A thousand miniature monuments jutted from the overgrown landscape. The plants--the only ones I had seen in years--seemed to flock to the dead. I envied them.Â Sleep was starting to tug at my body, and I still hadn't found anything amidst the stones and crawling vines. There had to be something—there was always a clue with her. “You know sometimes it's better to just jump than to look down first.” A gravelly voice croaked behind me. I turned to a sun-blistered caricature of myself, lying flat on his back in the graveyard. He put a cigarette to his mouth and took a long drag. Mint and amphetamine-laced smoke wafted into my nose. An addiction I wanted to forget. “See you start looking, and there's nothing there. Eventually you just end up looking so long you forget you were supposed to jump.” I couldn't face him, so I replied to empty air.. “Then what? You sit out here and burn till you talk in bad riddles?” “Just leaving a note. You'd be surprised what you learn when you end up looking your whole life.” I heard the cigarette smoldering again as he took another excruciating drag. “You'd be surprised at what you miss too.” I cringed at the audible cracking of his skin when his lips spread into a smile. “That's why we have the notes. Good luck with her.” My heart skipped a beat and I turned to a sun-bleached skeleton—a cigarette pinched between its bony fingers. Seeing myself dead was common. I had accepted I was insane. What I had just seen and heard was still too much to deal with. I closed my eyes and ran. I ran to forget about the Adam slumped against a bus miles away. I ran to forget about the Adam lying in the middle of a graveyard. Most of all I ran to forget about the smiling Adam in the picture. Lactic acid burned in my veins for hours but my legs still hadn't given out. I wasn't even running in a straight line anymore. I simply moved away from Respite. My lungs felt dried and cracked and my ribcage ached, so I finally stopped. I stumbled and nearly blacked out, but I opened my eyes. And that almost saved me. She was smiling. Her bow-shaped lips curled up and her cheeks turned rosy red. It was like she had just outsmarted me and couldn't wait to tell me how she had done it. Her delicate nose, auburn hair, emerald eyes. Her—she was right in front of my face. “Eve!” It was all I could articulate, and it drew a lilting laugh. My soul shook in euphoria, and then I collapsed. A hand ran through my hair and Her soft voice crooned a tune we loved. “Let this be enough, Adam. We had our time already.” The tune vanished, replaced by cold words in a sad tone. I tried to scream my objection but I couldn't. I couldn't move. I could only die slow. She looked down on me with a somber smile and cradled my head. And I knew how unlucky I was to be dead. --- “You look familiar, stranger. You got a name?" "Adam Claerburn." "Well then welcome to 15 Adam Claerburn." Edited 11:39 AM CST on July 7th, 2012. ALTERNATE CUT He was shocked. I was used to the face by now, but it still made me smile every time. A "poor soul" with more vices than friends and a girl that used to hold him together. Just a girl. Shakespeare took the words from my mouth when he wrote "what fools, these mortals". Fools indeed. I enjoy my time with them, though, and he was a particular interest of mine. Adam Claerburn. Ex-Navy, ex-alcoholic, ex-smoker, ex-pill popper. If he weren't also an ex-human he'd probably still be all of those things. He still has the volatile combination I love though: honor, duty, and a penchant for self-destruction. That's why I've always kept such a keen eye on him. Some people get boring as the centuries slide past. Adam, though, he's fresh every time. And now--now he was looking down at himself. A dead Adam. His mind flailed wildly for a grip on reality where there was never any to be had. He crouched in front of the Adam I had left by a twisted bus--what was it--five years ago? I wished he had seen what I wanted him to though; the one thing that always pulled him right into the interesting bits. Ah, there he goes. Footprints. He saw the nice little set of footprints leading him into the desert. The dog faithfully took his bone and followed them, and I followed him--at a leisurely pace of course. The footprints weren't going anywhere, they never do with no wind to help. I jab at his mind from afar, plucking his thoughts like violin strings in quick staccato. Warp his sense of time, crush his sanity just a bit. SOP. He just took it silently with the small modicum of stoicism he had left. Boring, but Adam almost always starts boring. Once he gets going though, it's a glorious little basejump with no parachute. Adam was going to be busy for a while with his walking, so I teased apart a seam in the air and stepped through it-- Into the dimly-lit confines of 15. A menagerie of empty-eyed husks looked to me with a mixture of disinterest and sheer vacancy. I flashed a smile and they returned to their drinks. After that it was just a whole lot of a damp rag and a dirty bar. Gotta tidy up for company. I was drying my hands when those saloon doors I love so much swung inward and a too-happy looking Adam stepped through. The hair of the dog was still a particular desire of his. I placed the towel over my arm and strode over to him, grabbing a mid-grade whiskey bottle as I passed it. "Whiskey." His single-word greeting begged a chuckle, but I stifled it. I nodded and placed a glass on the counter, then tilted the bottle and watched the amber liquid tumble down, filling the glass to a quarter of the way. Or would it be three-quarters empty? He wafted the fumes into his nose and smiled pleasantly before knocking the drink back with a vulgar motion that I could probably mimic I had seen it so much. He then pointed at the empty glass. I obliged him with a smile and he repeated the ritual. After eight rounds I finally got the time to serve another of the barely-there patrons before he called me over with a placid look on his face. From five feet away I could already see the picture he had waiting on the bar. I anticipated the questions and confirmed my story in the next five steps, then poured him his ninth. "Have you seen this woman?" There on the bar of course was the burned-at-the-edges photo I had slipped into the pocket of his shirt thousands of times. The picture showed Adam smiling with his arm draped over the shoulder of a woman I knew only by name. That fact alone meant she was far too good for him. "It's been a while, but you can't forget that face. Eve. She came through here, what was it, four months ago?" I lied as if it were second nature. Then again it is second nature. I watched a myriad of emotions play across his face as once more he remembered their past. The more correct wording would be what he had done to her, but Adam's always got to make it right. Even when he tears it apart himself and scatters the pieces. "Was she with anyone? Where'd she go? What'd she do here? Did she talk to you?" The questions came rapid fire so I dealt with them piecemeal, counting off each one on a finger. "No, west, sing, and yeah she kind of had to. She worked for me a bit. Nice girl when she wanted to be." Adam had told me that the first time I met him. "So not very often." Of course he doesn't know that though. "We are talking about the same girl after all. Yep, she came, she sang, and she went. Not under the best of circumstances though." Adam raised his eyebrows. I smiled wide at the thought of how many times he had grabbed my collar after that remark, and how many times he had burned for it. I poured him his tenth. "You look familiar, stranger. You got a name?" I indulged in a vice of my own: asking what I already know. Makes people think that just maybe the whole world isn't against them, even when it is. "Adam Claerburn." He said through ground teeth. So long as his little mind wasn't clinging to Eve nothing could stop him from taking another drink. "Adam and Eve? Now there's a bad joke." The first thing I said that wasn't a lie. "My life's a bad joke." Adam muttered. Brother, you have no idea. "Now there's a nugget of truth." Adam's eyes narrowed, but I ignored his attempt at intimidation. Time for a swift kick in the ass. Just got to make sure he thinks he's the one doing the kicking. "Well. Sounds to me like you got what you were looking for. Don't be afraid to hang around here for a bit though. It's hot as hell this time of day—not the best time to go off chasing some girl.” "I've already wasted enough time on this." He raised the whiskey glass and looked at it with disdain. Convenient of him to forget the past hour of heavy drinking. This was where I admit showmanship started to get the best of me. God isn't the only one that likes working in mysterious ways. "Oh it's alright. I'm sure you'll find your way back here some day. Everyone ends up missing this little place. Ask for me when you get back. Just holler 'Xenon'." Not my most popular moniker. I turned and walked away rather than wait for him to say something. He was starting to think he was onto something. Better to let him scamper around for a while. I stopped in front of the next man down the bar as Adam swung the doors open and left. "So what's your story, friend?" "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to--" The rest trailed off in gibberish. "If you weren't sitting in my bar I bet you'd be a lot less sorry." His eyes widened. I smiled, then I continued down the bar. I pondered on my particularly sadistic mood today. I opened a door at the end of the bar-- And stepped into West Repsite. A million dead graves of past and present residents of my little town. I was standing between two Adams: the one I left to die and the one I was pushing to his death. The one on the ground locked eyes with me as he took a long drag from a cigarette. The smell of menthol tobacco and crushed Adderal wafted into my nose. Exhaling slowly he spoke, but not to me. "Just leaving a note. You'd be surprised what you learn when you end up looking your whole life." Clever. I knew I kept this one around for a reason. If only his counterpart shared the mental acuity. "You'd be surprised at what you miss too." The standing Adam replied without turning around. I crouched down in front of the prone Adam and placed my hand on his chest. My fingertips shimmered a sapphire brilliance and his sun-blistered face smiled. "That's why we have the notes. Good luck with her." A second later he was gone, so was the light. And so was I. When I stepped back into West Respite I saw Adam; he was a small dot on the horizon, running for all he was worth. Unfortunately for Adam he wasn't worth much. He simply ran through bent space. He ran for hours--proof of his service time. Every man reaches his limit though, and the harsh sun doesn't help aching lungs. Eventually even he gave out. This was the point I was waiting for. A test for myself. I created Eve--or at least what I knew her to be. Physically matching her was easy, but recreating a person from the mind of someone like Adam... I couldn't do her justice. I knew enough about her for her to play her role though, so I brought Adam back. His next step put him five feet in front of me, and he opened his eyes to Eve. I saw something I hadn't yet seen in his eyes: happiness. He really didn't know what he had done. It was almost pitiable. Unfortunately, I know what he did. "Eve!" He barely formed the word and it croaked out of his dried throat. "Eve" giggled and Adam collapsed. A half hour later Eve was stroking his hair and singing what Adam repeatedly called "their song". I paced less than ten feet away, slowly loading a Colt M1911 magazine round by round. 7. I didn't need an extra in the chamber. I drew the slide back with a flourish. "Let this be enough, Adam. We had our time already." Adam was so transfixed on her he didn't see me. Just like she didn't see him. And then she cradled his head. As he did. With an echoing report I ended him. In homage to how he ended her. Adam Claerburn is lucky that all he can do is die. And I am all too happy to oblige him. Again. And again. And again.

Pages 12

high_time

12 years ago

Okay man I won't try to scrutinize it any further than my lazy tendencies and some of you guys here had already fukken broken it down up a notch in order to gave me full clarity of what's happening (particularly Coffee)~

There are many ways in which I could interpret the story, because of the confusing POV shifts, at some parts I don't know whose POV was this story told of. And lack of clarity of how the hell did Adam and Eve died anyway~

How did Adam(?) suddenly stood up on a graveyard and his 'other self' turned into a skeleton lol? Kind of intrigues me, and I think he was having some kind inner dialogue with himself before his other self finally went 'poof' hahaha~

Oh yeah kind of confused about this part

Seeing myself dead was common. I had accepted I was insane. What I had just seen and heard was still too much to deal with. I closed my eyes and ran. I ran to forget about the Adam slumped against a bus miles away. I ran to forget about the Adam lying in the middle of a graveyard. Most of all I ran to forget about the smiling Adam in the picture.

Lactic acid burned in my veins for hours but my legs still hadn't given out. I wasn't even running in a straight line anymore. I simply moved away from Respite. My lungs felt dried and cracked and my ribcage ached, so I finally stopped. I stumbled and nearly blacked out, but I opened my eyes.

And that almost saved me.

So there I concluded my verdict (tilts glasses) :

Both Adam and Eve died, or Eve died first and Adam follows thereafter. All that I know is that Adam died in a bus accident and firstly he had some out-of-body experience with he in his soul form looking at his own dead body, then he began to reminisce about things like his old meeting with Xenon. Then his consciousness drift into the graveyard...doing a conversation with his 'other self', a revelation that he's actually dead was unveiled...again with some nostalgic recount on how he seems to have wasted his life.

I don't really know how did Eve die anyway, she could also been in the same bus incident or some other reasons unexplained in the story. You might wanna give me some clarity on what's happening~

Then the last part concludes it nicely with intense denial and fear, about him trying to escape from reality that's being shoved right on his face. But the deceased Eve finally show up in front him with a smile that convince himself to accept his death and move on. That's how I conclude this to be 'A Time' or 'A Moment' in Heaven~

The ending concludes the other part 'Forever in Hell'

especially this one

“You look familiar, stranger. You got a name?"

"Adam Claerburn."

"Well then welcome to 15 Adam Claerburn."

It seems he did ended up in Hell anyway after some kind of 'Judgement'~

Sounds like a Hell Warden talking to him, and the Hell you pictured is just like a humongous prison building. When he goes to face punishment forever being imprisoned forever, for wasting his life~

Okay that concludes my review, I say you did a great job on it. And I think the part which makes me confused and couldn't understand it in the first read was because I didn't focus my mind on analyzing the plot and just went through to skimming the text. I probably should re-read Xenon's too~

Jericho Antares FAKKU Writer

12 years ago

Spoiler:

high_time wrote...

“You look familiar, stranger. You got a name?"

"Adam Claerburn."

"Well then welcome to 15 Adam Claerburn."

I've PMed Coffee the truth (or at least what I was going for). I can do the same for you if you want but otherwise I'm going to edit it into the first post once the contest is over.

high_time

12 years ago

Jericho Antares wrote...

I've PMed Coffee the truth (or at least what I was going for). I can do the same for you if you want but otherwise I'm going to edit it into the first post once the contest is over.

Well it's up to you, I'll be content with it either way =)

Blaze

12 years ago

Well, after hearing all the hype, I just had to read this story, though I apologize for the late delay.

Good: Amazing premise and certainly a bittersweet ending. Adam is easily one of the more memorable characters among all the original stories I have read and his interaction with Xenon was outstanding. I actually agree that it could've been even better if this was from Xenon's POV, but I digress. In any case, the details were quite intricate as well. Hell, even though Eve had little presence, I liked how much of an impact she had.

Bad: While the premise is amazing, I will admit that I was a little disappointed. It could be that the hype gave me unrealistic expectations, but in all fairness, while you had great details, they tended to get a bit confusing. Half that time, I kept rereading earlier passages to confirm that Adam was dead, since you made him seem so alive. Also, I was a little delayed in understanding the ending until I realized the title played into the story. While I have no objections with the ending, it was a bit vague and if it was not for the title, I probably would still be confused about it.

By all means, this is a good story, but for some reason, I can tell that it can be so much better and considering your credentials, I have a nagging feeling that this was not as thought out as your other stories. Despite this, I still enjoyed this story, so bravo.

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

12 years ago

I am looking forward to what really happened in this entry. The description is fluid but I have little idea what is happening in this story. Is he seeing himself dead? Is the main character hallucinating? How does Evelyn fit into the story? What does 15 mean?

I am not really a reader of allegory or stories full of allusions. I prefer reading essays that go straight to the point then jump to the next point, saving me the trouble of re-reading it. Perhaps this is why I am not really a good reader when it comes to fiction.

However, whenever I read something, I would like to know the premise or background of the story, so a third person approach would be very good for me. But that is just my taste in writing, not a qualified opinion.

Jericho Antares FAKKU Writer

12 years ago

Blaze wrote...

It wasn't that I hadn't thought the story out as much as I forgot to think it out in the 1500 word frame. I think it's obvious in my writing after the graveyard scene that I was hurting for space.

The vague-ish writing was possibly a shot in the foot but the intention (though probably foolish) was to have the reader read it more than once. I know I shouldn't need it to help the story, but once the contest is over I will be posting the "truth" as well as the original story from Xenon's POV. The alternate cut, however, is also meant to be read in conjunction with the original.

In summation, thank you for the review and I'll try harder next time to not fall into focusing on cryptic metaphor and letting other things fall by the wayside.

EDIT: That's a perfectly fine opinion, Leonard, and to be honest I usually write third person. I have just taken a liking in recent months to this overtly puzzling kind of stuff. Broadening horizons or slipping to the position of pretentious writer? We shall see I suppose.

Jericho Antares FAKKU Writer

12 years ago

Back after the longest and shittiest August of my life. Alternate cut is up if anyone's interested. Gotta baby-steps myself back into the place.

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

12 years ago

Ahh, it is so much better if it were presented like this. It reminds me of an answered riddle or a mystery unravelled when told by people with different perspectives.

Just to test my comprehension skills:

Xenon wanted to murder Adam. He set up a trap to fool Adam into thinking he is dead then cross dresses as Eve so that Adam would not mind being shot dead.

Jericho Antares FAKKU Writer

12 years ago

Hahaha possibly but such is not the case.

Xenon is the devil and Adam is in hell. Hell is indeed eternal but in this iteration of it I have created a system where the damned may die, but they only re-appear somewhere with no real memories other than those of their life while still living.

Adam was addicted to amphetamines, liquor, and cigarettes, which is supposed to indicate his overall weak spirit and give a hint of a dark past. It is part of why he was in hell but not the main reason. Xenon's perspective is designed to be read with/after Adam's so it follows the same scene transitions and such.

The ending is indicating that the reason Adam is in hell is because he killed Eve. Xenon was just torturing Adam in a grandiose way. After all, it is never indicated just how many times he has killed Adam.

Xenon FAKKU Writer

12 years ago

Good to see you back in high spirits.

This alternate version certainly had a different aura about it. I think I liked the original because it made me look less like a douche, but that's just me. Great job, though.

Post Reply

Pages 12