[Summer Writing Contest 2012] A Place Beyond the Blaze
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After getting permission from Jacob, I can finally share this story with you all. Hope you enjoy it because it's been a while since I've bothered writing a story at all.
Word Count: 1495
Just for fun, here's the original uncut version. As such, not as much editing, so expect a few errors from this one.
Of course, constructive feedback is always appreciated.
Spoiler:
Word Count: 1495
Just for fun, here's the original uncut version. As such, not as much editing, so expect a few errors from this one.
Spoiler:
Of course, constructive feedback is always appreciated.
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Ok read through your entry and I found it to be a pretty decent read, the plots on the beginning and end (about Payne's reality) really intrigues me. The middle thing (dream), although it feels weaker than the rest it's able to build up a shocking revelation that's been put at the ending~
Hmmm...what I've got in this story is, 'don't be disillusioned by an unreal fantasy and keep looking forward no matter how painful it is' the ending is not your usual happy end, but that's the way I like it. The middle parts could use some a bit of work since I felt some of the event at this part were pretty much linear and predictable to some extent though I still enjoyed it nonetheless~
Other than that it's a good one in my book, best of luck for the contest mang =)
Hmmm...what I've got in this story is, 'don't be disillusioned by an unreal fantasy and keep looking forward no matter how painful it is' the ending is not your usual happy end, but that's the way I like it. The middle parts could use some a bit of work since I felt some of the event at this part were pretty much linear and predictable to some extent though I still enjoyed it nonetheless~
Other than that it's a good one in my book, best of luck for the contest mang =)
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Blaze wrote...
After getting permission from Jacob, I can finally share this story with you all. Hope you enjoy it because it's been a while since I've bothered writing a story at all.Spoiler:
Word Count: 1491
Just for fun, here's the original uncut version. As such, not as much editing, so expect a few errors from this one.
Spoiler:
Of course, constructive feedback is always appreciated.
I loved your work. Fast paced, light-hearted and straight forward. Completely the opposite of mine :P I love how there's a meaning behind it all. And the guy above me beat me to quoting it. Wonderful work man, naisu! Goo Jobu!Nice Hen-tie reference too. I guess the advantage of doujinshi works, makes it easier for you to picture the heroine.
I also love how you used his surroundings, habits, mindsets and mannerisms to describe the kind of person he is, not with physical appearance. It elevates one's view on the protagonist, which is, unlike mine that destroys the image of the protagonist.
Do you have other works as well?
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While I do have other works, it has been a long time since I've written a story of my own like this. My more recent works are actually short films, which I enjoyed the central ideas, but poorly executed them as a film. I might do a short story version of my films...
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I am in agreement with High that the middle part of the story failed to be consistent as to the beginning of the entry. I think what set the excitement back (for the middle part, at least) was the lack of emotion of the protagonist after finding out that he’s just dreaming.
Since I’ve been using a First Person Narrative for quite sometime now, I can say that it is quite difficult to bring your readers into the protagonist’s eyes. The mind of a person is very complex, and they can think millions of thought in just a minute.
In this case, the protagonist failed us to give that thrilling experience in setting back to time. (Say, when I would be going back to time, or found out that I’m inside my dream, I could be insane thinking of the millions of possibilities I can do.)
Also, the first sentence is misleading. There is a thing we call “Foreshadowing” in plot development where we put a necessary detail in the beginning of the text, to serve as a clue of what will be going on with the entire story. In your story, the protagonist started with something about his mother (not mentioning the next phrases that support that).
It sort of deluded me because I thought the story is about a mother-and-son relationship, but that didn’t happened, of course. What happened has nothing to do with your first sentence, actually. You gave us that impression that the protagonist misses his mother, but when he saw her, he didn’t hug or kissed or did something. Though in real life, when we had a chance to meet someone we loved that’s already dead, we will do everything because we miss them so badly. (He doesn’t even talked to her.)
I guess you can blame this all to the word limit. You are a skilled writer, I can feel that, but your story needed more words to support a human’s complex mind.
What’s good is that I enjoy everything about it, even the imperfections. When someone can sit for a long time and put his opinions to what he is reading, it is clear that he had particular interest to it. Simply put, your entry was interesting. I wish you luck, and may you grow more as a writer.
Since I’ve been using a First Person Narrative for quite sometime now, I can say that it is quite difficult to bring your readers into the protagonist’s eyes. The mind of a person is very complex, and they can think millions of thought in just a minute.
In this case, the protagonist failed us to give that thrilling experience in setting back to time. (Say, when I would be going back to time, or found out that I’m inside my dream, I could be insane thinking of the millions of possibilities I can do.)
Also, the first sentence is misleading. There is a thing we call “Foreshadowing” in plot development where we put a necessary detail in the beginning of the text, to serve as a clue of what will be going on with the entire story. In your story, the protagonist started with something about his mother (not mentioning the next phrases that support that).
It sort of deluded me because I thought the story is about a mother-and-son relationship, but that didn’t happened, of course. What happened has nothing to do with your first sentence, actually. You gave us that impression that the protagonist misses his mother, but when he saw her, he didn’t hug or kissed or did something. Though in real life, when we had a chance to meet someone we loved that’s already dead, we will do everything because we miss them so badly. (He doesn’t even talked to her.)
I guess you can blame this all to the word limit. You are a skilled writer, I can feel that, but your story needed more words to support a human’s complex mind.
What’s good is that I enjoy everything about it, even the imperfections. When someone can sit for a long time and put his opinions to what he is reading, it is clear that he had particular interest to it. Simply put, your entry was interesting. I wish you luck, and may you grow more as a writer.
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Hmmm...I see. Thank you very much for the review. I greatly appreciate it and yeah, I didn't realize that the first sentence was that misleading. One thing I'd like to clear up, since I don't think I made it clear enough, is that the protagonist did not go back in time and while it is sort of a dream, I was trying to imply that it was more of a visit into heaven. I'll probably have to figure out how to improve the story to point more towards that conclusion.
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KuronekoChan
FAKKU Writer
I agree that the end of your story was the strongest part. I liked the little nicknames you threw in there for the soldiers. Little touches like that make a story feel more real. You're obviously funny ("hen tie" cracked me up and your replies on my story had me rolling), so I'd like to see what you do with more humor. A pleasant read.
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Jericho Antares
FAKKU Writer
This is partially/mostly/completely my own failure at suspension of disbelief but I feel you set up the full version too realistically (specific battalion, low/high crawl distinction, etc) for what happens in terms of the ambush. First off, this is what a Humvee looks like post-IED (granted it was only the first image on google). After that (with no medic to speak of) a man performs a self-amputation with no painkillers, tournicate, or field dressing mentioned, and then proceeds to accurately fire a weapon before taking shrapnel from an RPG detonation. After the dream/heaven sequence he also regains consciousness (or emerges from shock) and speaks coherently.
I think you could achieve the same story without such outlandish goings-on (in terms of injuries sustained). Again, though, this is just my personal taste given the opening. I believe (perhaps foolishly) that there's only so much that can happen to a man before adrenaline and high pain threshold just aren't enough.
I think you could achieve the same story without such outlandish goings-on (in terms of injuries sustained). Again, though, this is just my personal taste given the opening. I believe (perhaps foolishly) that there's only so much that can happen to a man before adrenaline and high pain threshold just aren't enough.
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Well, to be fair, I originally put them in a Buffalo, but I didn't think anyone would understand what it was, so I just defaulted to a Humvee. Additionally, I do understand about CLS and whatnot, but the details were cut due to editing. I originally also included treatment for arterial bleeding, but it just didn't quite make it in. Still, I appreciate and I will consider this for future works.
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Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
I haven't read the uncut version, yet. Also, if you want the gradings, send me a PM. Here's the first half of the actual review:
Review #5:
Comments:
- I liked the story. Being reunited with the lover after a long time for a short time is a nice thing to see sometimes.
- Momoka is a bit overused in the entries at this point, this caused me to not enjoy this as much as I should have for that. But then again; her personality here is just the one that I imagined she'd have anywhere. So-so in the enjoyable department, I suppose.
- What's impressive here - to me - is how the themes were added in this piece. Romance and summer in a world that was unreal. And I had this odd feeling that he was forced to take a vacation from his military work and enjoy himself with Momoka. I believe a vacation was already hinted with the beach house and staying close to the beach part, anyway. So good job with the themes.
- A problem I find here is regarding all the foreshadowing: you could just not put them. In my opinion, you could have deceived the readers into thinking that something really mysterious and magical was going on that caused the main character to wake up in a place he had never really been before and then wake them from the illusion in the end; without hinting that he was a part of the military, although it'd need some more works that way as you'd have to make sure everything flows and that the shattering of the illusion to the readers would need a more proper flow for the reduction of abruptness; basically, it may just be bad to make it too sudden. Although the part of having the leg at the start would be best left in there would be fine if you were to do what I thought would have been.
- The ending... somehow it isn't very delivering of a really good feeling or impression. It just isn't, suddenly I see somewhat profane use of language in there, too; which doesn't really flow with the rest above the ending itself, while it's a little funny with all the nicknames - it's as if there was an almost total detachment between the ending part and the rest, it doesn't feel right. Endings are important in my opinion. You might wanna put more efforts in an ending next time, especially one that flows with the whole piece.
- I had a similar problem with this piece that I had with Nanitakagi's work; the impression that it left to me reminds me of what happened in this piece - the gist of the story. But it doesn't make me think that it was a really awesome and fantastic story... just, a good story. I think this is something that you should really strive for.
Review #5:
Comments:
- I liked the story. Being reunited with the lover after a long time for a short time is a nice thing to see sometimes.
- Momoka is a bit overused in the entries at this point, this caused me to not enjoy this as much as I should have for that. But then again; her personality here is just the one that I imagined she'd have anywhere. So-so in the enjoyable department, I suppose.
- What's impressive here - to me - is how the themes were added in this piece. Romance and summer in a world that was unreal. And I had this odd feeling that he was forced to take a vacation from his military work and enjoy himself with Momoka. I believe a vacation was already hinted with the beach house and staying close to the beach part, anyway. So good job with the themes.
- A problem I find here is regarding all the foreshadowing: you could just not put them. In my opinion, you could have deceived the readers into thinking that something really mysterious and magical was going on that caused the main character to wake up in a place he had never really been before and then wake them from the illusion in the end; without hinting that he was a part of the military, although it'd need some more works that way as you'd have to make sure everything flows and that the shattering of the illusion to the readers would need a more proper flow for the reduction of abruptness; basically, it may just be bad to make it too sudden. Although the part of having the leg at the start would be best left in there would be fine if you were to do what I thought would have been.
- The ending... somehow it isn't very delivering of a really good feeling or impression. It just isn't, suddenly I see somewhat profane use of language in there, too; which doesn't really flow with the rest above the ending itself, while it's a little funny with all the nicknames - it's as if there was an almost total detachment between the ending part and the rest, it doesn't feel right. Endings are important in my opinion. You might wanna put more efforts in an ending next time, especially one that flows with the whole piece.
- I had a similar problem with this piece that I had with Nanitakagi's work; the impression that it left to me reminds me of what happened in this piece - the gist of the story. But it doesn't make me think that it was a really awesome and fantastic story... just, a good story. I think this is something that you should really strive for.