[Summer Writing Contest Entry] A Surreal Summer Experience
1
(This edit has been conducted with the permission of Cinia Pacifica. 7/14/12, 10:36 p.m.)
It all started a few months ago, when I decided to browse through the Video Games section of the Fakku forums in search of a new, free-to-play MMORPG to try out in an attempt to cure myself of terminal boredom. After reading a few rave reviews, I was led to an ARPG whose selling points were beautiful graphics and unique and intense gameplay. Several hours into the game, I entered a party with someone named “DeathEnvy”; a battlemage, which was one of the more complex character classes. However, her fierceness in combat and her ability to toss out buffs and heals in the heat of battle quickly impressed me. But what really got me was when a woman’s voice rang out into my earphones, cheering in celebration as we ended the life of the dungeon’s final boss.
“You didn’t know that microphones could be used with this game? Ahaha, that’s so cute!”
That was the first thing she said as we set up a campfire and had our avatars sit down after the battle. I had decided to introduce myself to her, and she agreed to do the same. Her name was Sarah, and she was a pure delight. She had many of the same interests that I did, had similar tastes in music, and shared some of the hobbies that I pursued in real life. She was surprisingly not judgmental as well; when I told her that some of my friends thought of me as a big weirdo, she didn’t mind. When I told her that I was 5’4” at age nineteen, she didn’t think it was a problem. And when I told her that I was a pervert who frequented a hentai website, she simply said, “Well, guys have their urges, after all.” She was, in short, the most amazing woman that I had ever met.
A few days after getting acquainted with her, we decided to exchange our Skype usernames and we began chatting via text. After using a bit of light persuasion, I managed to convince her to enter a video chat with me. The face that I was met with was beyond my expectations; yes, she was slightly chubby and the part of her bedroom that was visible through the web cam was decorated in a manner too girly for my tastes. However, her countenance was that of a cute but simultaneously beautiful woman, and her eyes radiated kindness and affection towards me as we chatted face-to-face. Her voice was music to my ears, and her smile lit my heart ablaze. It was probably in that moment that I fell head-over-heels in love with her, although I didn’t immediately realize it. It was after a few days, when I couldn’t get Sarah out of my thoughts, that the truth finally dawned upon me.
In spite of our busy schedules, we managed to meet each other on Skype’s video chat, staying up until the wee hours of the morning talking about our lives, our interests, and the odd little quirks that we each had. She became the person I looked forward to the most when I woke in the morning; she became the person that I spent the most time with; she was my confidant, my battle partner, and my best friend. However, being as spineless as I am, I was never able to properly profess my affections for her. Until one day, when she said out of nowhere:
“You know, it’s odd… But there are times where I just can’t stop thinking about you.”
Before I could stop myself, my fingers typed a certain group of words into the message bar and hit enter. And without thinking, I told her that I liked her a lot, and that she meant a lot to me.
Her response made my heart jump, and for a moment I felt as if I was soaring through the skies.
“I feel the same way, Leo. I like you a lot, too. =)”
In real life, I whooped, rolled around on my bed, and squeezed the life out of my pillow as joy coursed through my veins and filled every inch of my body with warmth. However, on Skype’s text chat, I expressed my joy in a calmer but equally excited manner. Despite my restraint however, her final message of the night expressed her ability to perceive my happiness.
“Btw, I can tell that you’re really happy about this, Leo. ;D I’ll see you tomorrow sweetie.”
After that night, I began courting her in my own uncertain way; I gave her a nickname, I did what I could to spend as much time with her as possible, and a few months later, when her birthday came, I called upon the knowledge of her favorite colors and the fact that her two favorite animals were cats and pandas, and made a special birthday greeting drawing tailored to her tastes. Naturally, the moment that I sent her the scan of the picture, she made it clear that she loved my creation and that she greatly appreciated my efforts.
“It’s so cute, Leo! I love it, thank you! =DDD”
With all of the time that we had spent together, with all the emotions and effort that I had poured into our relationship, and with how close I was with Sarah…
It never dawned upon me that she could be stolen away before I asked her to be my girlfriend.
It the middle of my summer vacation, a few days after we had entered a new MMORPG together since the computer that she had been using the play the previous game was out of commission. We made the acquaintance of a fellow newbie by the name of “David Angleblood”; and although he initially seemed like a good and sociable person, he quickly began prodding Sarah with risqué comments; and although I made every effort to make him stop, Sarah found David’s comments “cute and charming”, and allowed him to continue. Nevertheless, upon my insistence, David toned down the flirtatious remarks.
A few nights later, a message from David (whose real name was Gabe) appeared on my Skype:
“Dude, Sarah’s totally got the hots for me.”
Disgusted but curious at what he meant by his comment, I immediately typed a reply.
“…What do you mean, Gabe?”
His response… both shocked me and punched a hole into my chest.
“We hooked up, dude.”
My blood froze when I saw that comment. Since I didn’t see Sarah online, I furiously questioned Gabe for an explanation.
“What do you mean, †˜we hooked up’!?”
“It means what it means, dude. She’s absolutely wild for me ;D”
“When did this happen!?”
“About two days ago lol. To be honest, once I got her to give me her Skype address I knew she was mine. XD”
To say that I was crushed would have been an understatement; it felt as if my heart just vanished from within the center of my chest. I turned away from the computer for a moment to let the tears out, but a chime indicating that I had an unread message sounded from my speakers and I turned to read the words on the screen.
“If you want, I can text her cell phone and ask her to choose between you or me right now ;P”
A small spark of hope flickered to life within my chest, but I should have known better. He had already made it clear that he had sunken his teeth into Sarah and that she had become just as attached to him. The reply that came a few minutes later was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
“She said that she loves me with all of her heart, and that I’m the most important person to her right now.”
A flood of tears filled my eyes as I shut the screen on my laptop, and I spent the next twenty or so minutes allowing the waters of searing sorrow to flow from my eyes. I didn’t know how this could have happened to me, but I felt furious, saddened, and above all, like I was at the bottom of the pit of despair. I looked up to see that he was still online, and sent him an angry message.
“How could you do this? I thought Sarah told you about everything I've been through to try and win her love!”
“She did. I’m just using her to fill myself with the thrill of a new relationship in order to improve relations with my girlfriend. ;P”
“… You… what?”
“Oh yeah, don’t worry; after I’m done with her you can have her back. Hahahaha!”
With that last, mocking message from that disgusting example of a human, I turned my laptop off and cried myself to sleep. As I slowly and painfully drifted into the numbness of slumber, I realized that somehow, despite the differences between reality and fiction, that I had been netorared.
And it burns, even today.
It all started a few months ago, when I decided to browse through the Video Games section of the Fakku forums in search of a new, free-to-play MMORPG to try out in an attempt to cure myself of terminal boredom. After reading a few rave reviews, I was led to an ARPG whose selling points were beautiful graphics and unique and intense gameplay. Several hours into the game, I entered a party with someone named “DeathEnvy”; a battlemage, which was one of the more complex character classes. However, her fierceness in combat and her ability to toss out buffs and heals in the heat of battle quickly impressed me. But what really got me was when a woman’s voice rang out into my earphones, cheering in celebration as we ended the life of the dungeon’s final boss.
“You didn’t know that microphones could be used with this game? Ahaha, that’s so cute!”
That was the first thing she said as we set up a campfire and had our avatars sit down after the battle. I had decided to introduce myself to her, and she agreed to do the same. Her name was Sarah, and she was a pure delight. She had many of the same interests that I did, had similar tastes in music, and shared some of the hobbies that I pursued in real life. She was surprisingly not judgmental as well; when I told her that some of my friends thought of me as a big weirdo, she didn’t mind. When I told her that I was 5’4” at age nineteen, she didn’t think it was a problem. And when I told her that I was a pervert who frequented a hentai website, she simply said, “Well, guys have their urges, after all.” She was, in short, the most amazing woman that I had ever met.
A few days after getting acquainted with her, we decided to exchange our Skype usernames and we began chatting via text. After using a bit of light persuasion, I managed to convince her to enter a video chat with me. The face that I was met with was beyond my expectations; yes, she was slightly chubby and the part of her bedroom that was visible through the web cam was decorated in a manner too girly for my tastes. However, her countenance was that of a cute but simultaneously beautiful woman, and her eyes radiated kindness and affection towards me as we chatted face-to-face. Her voice was music to my ears, and her smile lit my heart ablaze. It was probably in that moment that I fell head-over-heels in love with her, although I didn’t immediately realize it. It was after a few days, when I couldn’t get Sarah out of my thoughts, that the truth finally dawned upon me.
In spite of our busy schedules, we managed to meet each other on Skype’s video chat, staying up until the wee hours of the morning talking about our lives, our interests, and the odd little quirks that we each had. She became the person I looked forward to the most when I woke in the morning; she became the person that I spent the most time with; she was my confidant, my battle partner, and my best friend. However, being as spineless as I am, I was never able to properly profess my affections for her. Until one day, when she said out of nowhere:
“You know, it’s odd… But there are times where I just can’t stop thinking about you.”
Before I could stop myself, my fingers typed a certain group of words into the message bar and hit enter. And without thinking, I told her that I liked her a lot, and that she meant a lot to me.
Her response made my heart jump, and for a moment I felt as if I was soaring through the skies.
“I feel the same way, Leo. I like you a lot, too. =)”
In real life, I whooped, rolled around on my bed, and squeezed the life out of my pillow as joy coursed through my veins and filled every inch of my body with warmth. However, on Skype’s text chat, I expressed my joy in a calmer but equally excited manner. Despite my restraint however, her final message of the night expressed her ability to perceive my happiness.
“Btw, I can tell that you’re really happy about this, Leo. ;D I’ll see you tomorrow sweetie.”
After that night, I began courting her in my own uncertain way; I gave her a nickname, I did what I could to spend as much time with her as possible, and a few months later, when her birthday came, I called upon the knowledge of her favorite colors and the fact that her two favorite animals were cats and pandas, and made a special birthday greeting drawing tailored to her tastes. Naturally, the moment that I sent her the scan of the picture, she made it clear that she loved my creation and that she greatly appreciated my efforts.
“It’s so cute, Leo! I love it, thank you! =DDD”
With all of the time that we had spent together, with all the emotions and effort that I had poured into our relationship, and with how close I was with Sarah…
It never dawned upon me that she could be stolen away before I asked her to be my girlfriend.
It the middle of my summer vacation, a few days after we had entered a new MMORPG together since the computer that she had been using the play the previous game was out of commission. We made the acquaintance of a fellow newbie by the name of “David Angleblood”; and although he initially seemed like a good and sociable person, he quickly began prodding Sarah with risqué comments; and although I made every effort to make him stop, Sarah found David’s comments “cute and charming”, and allowed him to continue. Nevertheless, upon my insistence, David toned down the flirtatious remarks.
A few nights later, a message from David (whose real name was Gabe) appeared on my Skype:
“Dude, Sarah’s totally got the hots for me.”
Disgusted but curious at what he meant by his comment, I immediately typed a reply.
“…What do you mean, Gabe?”
His response… both shocked me and punched a hole into my chest.
“We hooked up, dude.”
My blood froze when I saw that comment. Since I didn’t see Sarah online, I furiously questioned Gabe for an explanation.
“What do you mean, †˜we hooked up’!?”
“It means what it means, dude. She’s absolutely wild for me ;D”
“When did this happen!?”
“About two days ago lol. To be honest, once I got her to give me her Skype address I knew she was mine. XD”
To say that I was crushed would have been an understatement; it felt as if my heart just vanished from within the center of my chest. I turned away from the computer for a moment to let the tears out, but a chime indicating that I had an unread message sounded from my speakers and I turned to read the words on the screen.
“If you want, I can text her cell phone and ask her to choose between you or me right now ;P”
A small spark of hope flickered to life within my chest, but I should have known better. He had already made it clear that he had sunken his teeth into Sarah and that she had become just as attached to him. The reply that came a few minutes later was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
“She said that she loves me with all of her heart, and that I’m the most important person to her right now.”
A flood of tears filled my eyes as I shut the screen on my laptop, and I spent the next twenty or so minutes allowing the waters of searing sorrow to flow from my eyes. I didn’t know how this could have happened to me, but I felt furious, saddened, and above all, like I was at the bottom of the pit of despair. I looked up to see that he was still online, and sent him an angry message.
“How could you do this? I thought Sarah told you about everything I've been through to try and win her love!”
“She did. I’m just using her to fill myself with the thrill of a new relationship in order to improve relations with my girlfriend. ;P”
“… You… what?”
“Oh yeah, don’t worry; after I’m done with her you can have her back. Hahahaha!”
With that last, mocking message from that disgusting example of a human, I turned my laptop off and cried myself to sleep. As I slowly and painfully drifted into the numbness of slumber, I realized that somehow, despite the differences between reality and fiction, that I had been netorared.
And it burns, even today.
0
I enjoyed this. A very touching, realistic first person story.
Sometimes, a friendship can be just as beautiful as love.
Sometimes, a friendship can be just as beautiful as love.
0
Critiquing,
First off, I would like to commend the uniqueness of your work. It was different from the others that, the entry didn’t rely on the great wording or persuasive writing, but to the plot itself. Not that I am saying that you have not any skills, but it was just pure story.
It would be better if you have inserted a portion of the actual chat dialogue, which will help the readers to relate more on what was happening.
In the end, I found myself staring at the monitor blankly after reading your work. I can’t come up with that much judgment, which is bad. Either your story was boring, or it was absolutely perfect.
(Your work was something that I will not remember after few hours of reading. It won’t also inspire me, and that I will not proudly share with my friends. Still, it wasn’t the kind of story I will turn down and mock.)
Anyway, because I can’t form a solid criticism, I give to you my sincerest regards.
First off, I would like to commend the uniqueness of your work. It was different from the others that, the entry didn’t rely on the great wording or persuasive writing, but to the plot itself. Not that I am saying that you have not any skills, but it was just pure story.
It would be better if you have inserted a portion of the actual chat dialogue, which will help the readers to relate more on what was happening.
In the end, I found myself staring at the monitor blankly after reading your work. I can’t come up with that much judgment, which is bad. Either your story was boring, or it was absolutely perfect.
(Your work was something that I will not remember after few hours of reading. It won’t also inspire me, and that I will not proudly share with my friends. Still, it wasn’t the kind of story I will turn down and mock.)
Anyway, because I can’t form a solid criticism, I give to you my sincerest regards.
0
Grock wrote...
I enjoyed this. A very touching, realistic first person story.Sometimes, a friendship can be just as beautiful as love.
Thank you for commenting. I agree that having a really good friendship can be just as fulfilling as being in love. And I'm glad that you enjoyed it, I felt like I did a reasonably good job on this piece.
Carlisle wrote...
Spoiler:
If I said that your criticism wasn't a bit disheartening, I would be lying. However, I realize that I can't please everyone, so I guess I shouldn't take it too harshly. I find it interesting that you see this as a hit-or-miss story, and that adding some extra dialogue may have made it more relatable. However, I was able to communicate the story in what I thought was an effective manner, so overall I'm happy with what I did. Not to disregard your comments, just that I'm pretty satisfied with what I was able to accomplish.
0
Hi there Ran, fancy meeting you here. There's something I felt intriguing about this piece, is it by any chance a real life story of yours? For the most part I can relate to the characters described especially the Protagonist since he kind of similar to me in some parts, even though I myself haven't been trying to start a committed relationship at all to understand how he really felt~
When I skimmed up the first moment the main chara met the heroine, it probably seems like an anime scene where the heroine appears as a badass warrior or something like that, it kind of understandable that it sparks admiration from him. It was heart warming to the point I described it as 'too-good-to-be-true' how an absolutely coincidental meetup would lead to discovering people with almost perfect compatibilities~
For a moment I thought up, hey this sounds like the beginning of a romance anime! But here's the point that I like which makes this story realistic and relate-able, the response of your main chara truly reminds me of some friend of mine who seem to have relationship issues, but on his occasion he's trying to pursue some girl that he likes IRL. He gets all fidgety like that when he's thinking how to make a move on her, and shyly talking about her in front of me and my other buddies. If this were a romance story it might seem a bit cliche' but hey it actually happens man~
Anyway, the romance told has a sense of realism in it, and although I can't truly say that I understand it given my lack of experience in those things of stuff. Also, the ending parts which I found tad heartbreaking is probably a common thing happening in the couples I know while making an IRL relationship, dunno about the Internet ones tho~
Many heartbroken people often did the things the MC did, it's truly incomprehensible to us looking at them like depressed for no reason but yeah I think they're basically lamenting in deep sorrow down inside but don't know how to express it that well it ended up by people misunderstanding them. That's a horrid thing since it could lead to a further isolation and depression that's truly counterproductive to their daily lives~
As a closing word, in any case I had the chance to send my message towards the Protagonist that I think being a bit naive when it comes to love will often yield in hurtful experiences, even in Romance Fiction things wouldn't just go smoothly. And reading this work by chance has given me another perspective not to trust the stereotypical lovey-dovey stories that were popularly endorsed by the media...it only meant to blind me and causing me to get hurt in the end~
I wish you best of luck in the contest~
When I skimmed up the first moment the main chara met the heroine, it probably seems like an anime scene where the heroine appears as a badass warrior or something like that, it kind of understandable that it sparks admiration from him. It was heart warming to the point I described it as 'too-good-to-be-true' how an absolutely coincidental meetup would lead to discovering people with almost perfect compatibilities~
For a moment I thought up, hey this sounds like the beginning of a romance anime! But here's the point that I like which makes this story realistic and relate-able, the response of your main chara truly reminds me of some friend of mine who seem to have relationship issues, but on his occasion he's trying to pursue some girl that he likes IRL. He gets all fidgety like that when he's thinking how to make a move on her, and shyly talking about her in front of me and my other buddies. If this were a romance story it might seem a bit cliche' but hey it actually happens man~
Anyway, the romance told has a sense of realism in it, and although I can't truly say that I understand it given my lack of experience in those things of stuff. Also, the ending parts which I found tad heartbreaking is probably a common thing happening in the couples I know while making an IRL relationship, dunno about the Internet ones tho~
Many heartbroken people often did the things the MC did, it's truly incomprehensible to us looking at them like depressed for no reason but yeah I think they're basically lamenting in deep sorrow down inside but don't know how to express it that well it ended up by people misunderstanding them. That's a horrid thing since it could lead to a further isolation and depression that's truly counterproductive to their daily lives~
As a closing word, in any case I had the chance to send my message towards the Protagonist that I think being a bit naive when it comes to love will often yield in hurtful experiences, even in Romance Fiction things wouldn't just go smoothly. And reading this work by chance has given me another perspective not to trust the stereotypical lovey-dovey stories that were popularly endorsed by the media...it only meant to blind me and causing me to get hurt in the end~
I wish you best of luck in the contest~
0
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
high_time wrote...
is it by any chance a real life story of yours?I can't say much about it despite knowing - but something like this has actually happened. And it was used as the story's plot.
0
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
I can't say much about it despite knowing - but something like this has actually happened. And it was used as the story's plot.Ah so by chance it might be a real life experience of someone the author knows eh~
Either way there's an IRL experience element, the mystery is 'whose?' pretty nice read nonetheless =)
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I don't really agree with Carlisle. I think I will be able to recall this story for sometime as it is like High said, rather realistic. I say this because I cannot come up with the dialogue where David taunted Leo (not myself to clarify matters) that easily. Of course, that may be because I don't often read Netorare or other stories of betrayal, but it left an impact on me as it was simple to read and comprehend, and it felt as if someone was telling me personally what had happened to him.
0
high_time wrote...
Ah so by chance it might be a real life experience of someone the author knows eh~
Either way there's an IRL experience element, the mystery is 'whose?' pretty nice read nonetheless =)
Hi HT. First off, I want to thank you for reading my story, and I want to express that I'm happy that you enjoyed my story. And to clear up your confusion, this story was from my own recent experiences with a person who is clearly not who I thought she was. In fact, last night she decided to ignore me on Skype and on all of the games that we play together after one mistake I made, so right now I've feeling rather devoid of all strong emotions right now. Still, I appreciate you reading my story, and I'm glad that you liked it. :)
leonard267 wrote...
I don't really agree with Carlisle. I think I will be able to recall this story for sometime as it is like High said, rather realistic. I say this because I cannot come up with the dialogue where David taunted Leo (not myself to clarify matters) that easily. Of course, that may be because I don't often read Netorare or other stories of betrayal, but it left an impact on me as it was simple to read and comprehend, and it felt as if someone was telling me personally what had happened to him. I'm glad you liked my story Leonard, it did come from extremely recent experiences that I've had. If you want to know more please read my reply to high_time. And to be fair, Carlisle was commenting on my previous submission, which was based on less recent experiences; however, as a powerful new development arose in my situation, I obtained permission from Cinia Pacifica to change my entry to this one, which reflects the more recent experiences. Still, I'm glad that you find this piece memorable, because it sure as hell is going to have a strong impact on me for a long while.
0
Lt. Rand0m wrote...
Hi HT. First off, I want to thank you for reading my story, and I want to express that I'm happy that you enjoyed my story. And to clear up your confusion, this story was from my own recent experiences with a person who is clearly not who I thought she was. In fact, last night she decided to ignore me on Skype and on all of the games that we play together after one mistake I made, so right now I've feeling rather devoid of all strong emotions right now. Still, I appreciate you reading my story, and I'm glad that you liked it. :)Your welcome =D
Well I read your current version now and it feels awesome! Definitely being one of my favorites~
Of all that happened to you earlier, I'm sorry for not knowing much 'bout it and I wish for the best in your life. Hope you'll finally found what you truly wanted, cheers ^__^
0
high_time wrote...
Your welcome =D
Well I read your current version now and it feels awesome! Definitely being one of my favorites~
Of all that happened to you earlier, I'm sorry for not knowing much 'bout it and I wish for the best in your life. Hope you'll finally found what you truly wanted, cheers ^__^
I appreciate the sentiment HT. I hope so too, but I don't know how long it'll take to recover from this, sadly...
0
Lt. Rand0m wrote...
I appreciate the sentiment HT. I hope so too, but I don't know how long it'll take to recover from this, sadly...Well I've been on some depressing moments too, and the things I do is probably letting it out as much as possible until there's nothing left. Feels much better every time I've done with it~
There's many things to do, from writing a journal entry to simply listen to your favorite songs, the one that makes you truly felt it, by simply listening or singing along with it. Just do anything other than keeping it inside because it's damn destructive both to your health and soul~
0
high_time wrote...
Well I've been on some depressing moments too, and the things I do is probably letting it out as much as possible until there's nothing left. Feels much better every time I've done with it~
There's many things to do, from writing a journal entry to simply listen to your favorite songs, the one that makes you truly felt it, by simply listening or singing along with it. Just do anything other than keeping it inside because it's damn destructive both to your health and soul~
I would do all of those, but my heart feels rather devoid of strong emotions at the moment. If they return I'll be sure to vent in the manner that you described. Thanks HT.
0
Lt. Rand0m wrote...
I would do all of those, but my heart feels rather devoid of strong emotions at the moment. If they return I'll be sure to vent in the manner that you described. Thanks HT.Your welcome, and I'm glad that I could help out =)
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
This is where I will blatantly advertise my own submission, since it did make High rather high. Here is to hoping that I can put a smile on your face, Lt. It isn't much but I do hope you like it.
Leonard267's Summer Vacation
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91238
Leonard267's Summer Vacation
https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91238
0
Well...right in the feelings. In any case, here's my review.
Good: Easily, I can say that this story does an amazing job of stirring up feelings that many have experienced, despite said feelings being extremely unpleasant. I can go on about this point, but I'll leave it at that. Excellent job focusing on the main character's feelings and even the scenario itself. This one will certainly stay in my head.
Okay: As always, the grammar and spelling checks out from the brief read I did and of course, I will throw in that this story did a good job with the rising and falling action.
Bad: After I got over the underlying rage from all the NTR, I thought the story over with a clear head and realized that it has a couple of logic issues. For example, while I get that he fell in love with Sarah, if they met on an MMO, they could be miles away from each other. You made no mention about how close they lived from each other and considering that they were Skyping, I take it that they could even be on the opposite ends of the world. As such, it's almost common sense that she could be taken by someone who lives closer. This brings me to my second point: Gabe. While I can tell you wrote him to be a douchebag, there are also logical issues with this character. Like Sarah and Leo, just how close is Gabe to Sarah? There is no mention of this and additionally, how did Gabe get Leo's Skype username? Last, but not least, the final message of Gabe and Sarah hooking up is delivered by Gabe, not Sarah. If anything, I can interpret this as Gabe being a compulsive liar and I'm pretty sure Leo should too. I just found it odd that Leo just believed what Gabe said when Sarah's message was delivered through Gabe. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that you need some more details because the absence of certain details brings up logical issues as I have just mentioned.
Then again, maybe that was your intention, but as someone who has tried long-distance relationships before, I know it just doesn't work if you've never met the other person in real life and there is no indication that any of these characters have met in real life, which casts doubt on this story as a whole. For all we know, 'hooking up,' which already is a pretty vague term, could mean very minor affection or a case of cyber sex, which I doubt here. And...that's enough out of me. I'll be hunting down some people who have NTRd me with my trusty M-4, tomahawk, det cord, and some C4. And knives. I like knives. And maybe a machete. Expect death and explosions soon.
Good: Easily, I can say that this story does an amazing job of stirring up feelings that many have experienced, despite said feelings being extremely unpleasant. I can go on about this point, but I'll leave it at that. Excellent job focusing on the main character's feelings and even the scenario itself. This one will certainly stay in my head.
Okay: As always, the grammar and spelling checks out from the brief read I did and of course, I will throw in that this story did a good job with the rising and falling action.
Bad: After I got over the underlying rage from all the NTR, I thought the story over with a clear head and realized that it has a couple of logic issues. For example, while I get that he fell in love with Sarah, if they met on an MMO, they could be miles away from each other. You made no mention about how close they lived from each other and considering that they were Skyping, I take it that they could even be on the opposite ends of the world. As such, it's almost common sense that she could be taken by someone who lives closer. This brings me to my second point: Gabe. While I can tell you wrote him to be a douchebag, there are also logical issues with this character. Like Sarah and Leo, just how close is Gabe to Sarah? There is no mention of this and additionally, how did Gabe get Leo's Skype username? Last, but not least, the final message of Gabe and Sarah hooking up is delivered by Gabe, not Sarah. If anything, I can interpret this as Gabe being a compulsive liar and I'm pretty sure Leo should too. I just found it odd that Leo just believed what Gabe said when Sarah's message was delivered through Gabe. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that you need some more details because the absence of certain details brings up logical issues as I have just mentioned.
Then again, maybe that was your intention, but as someone who has tried long-distance relationships before, I know it just doesn't work if you've never met the other person in real life and there is no indication that any of these characters have met in real life, which casts doubt on this story as a whole. For all we know, 'hooking up,' which already is a pretty vague term, could mean very minor affection or a case of cyber sex, which I doubt here. And...that's enough out of me. I'll be hunting down some people who have NTRd me with my trusty M-4, tomahawk, det cord, and some C4. And knives. I like knives. And maybe a machete. Expect death and explosions soon.
0
Blaze wrote...
Well...right in the feelings. In any case, here's my review.Good: Easily, I can say that this story does an amazing job of stirring up feelings that many have experienced, despite said feelings being extremely unpleasant. I can go on about this point, but I'll leave it at that. Excellent job focusing on the main character's feelings and even the scenario itself. This one will certainly stay in my head.
Okay: As always, the grammar and spelling checks out from the brief read I did and of course, I will throw in that this story did a good job with the rising and falling action.
Bad: After I got over the underlying rage from all the NTR, I thought the story over with a clear head and realized that it has a couple of logic issues. For example, while I get that he fell in love with Sarah, if they met on an MMO, they could be miles away from each other. You made no mention about how close they lived from each other and considering that they were Skyping, I take it that they could even be on the opposite ends of the world. As such, it's almost common sense that she could be taken by someone who lives closer. This brings me to my second point: Gabe. While I can tell you wrote him to be a douchebag, there are also logical issues with this character. Like Sarah and Leo, just how close is Gabe to Sarah? There is no mention of this and additionally, how did Gabe get Leo's Skype username? Last, but not least, the final message of Gabe and Sarah hooking up is delivered by Gabe, not Sarah. If anything, I can interpret this as Gabe being a compulsive liar and I'm pretty sure Leo should too. I just found it odd that Leo just believed what Gabe said when Sarah's message was delivered through Gabe. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that you need some more details because the absence of certain details brings up logical issues as I have just mentioned.
Then again, maybe that was your intention, but as someone who has tried long-distance relationships before, I know it just doesn't work if you've never met the other person in real life and there is no indication that any of these characters have met in real life, which casts doubt on this story as a whole. For all we know, 'hooking up,' which already is a pretty vague term, could mean very minor affection or a case of cyber sex, which I doubt here. And...that's enough out of me. I'll be hunting down some people who have NTRd me with my trusty M-4, tomahawk, det cord, and some C4. And knives. I like knives. And maybe a machete. Expect death and explosions soon.
I appreciate your comments Blaze. And you're right, I was forced to skip over several details in order to fit the 1500 word limit. I just wanted to get the whole of the story across, although I do apologize for the plot holes. I'm thinking of extending the story in a separate post to fill out everything that happened so that, for those interested, all of the details of the situation can be communicated. And just fyi, Leo and Sarah only live a few states apart in the U.S., same with Sarah and Gabe. And several days later it was made clear to me by the both of them flirting like a couple of horny kids that they really had hooked up.
Nevertheless, I appreciate the comments, and maybe I really should create a separate post with the full story. I won't blame the word limit for my mistakes, but I will assert that it constrained my story quite a bit.
0
Review #18
The Good: Ouch... we got some NTR shit going on here. This entire thing played out like a drama gone sour. I was about to give a giant groan when I was going to read a story about a guy meeting a girl online and falling in love. I was half-expecting, they meet up, they get all lovey-dovey, then end. THEN you added Gabe to this whole mess. Thank God for Gabe. Bam! Total douche bag, an emotionally damaged girl, and a hapless romantic. You have a solid mix here and I enjoyed the ending for some reason- a lot. That's not to say I would ever do that, but it does feel like something like that would happen in something as flimsy as an online relationship. I like it.
Grammer: OK
The OK: For some reason, I didn't like the last line. "And it burns, even today." I'm use to hollywood endings/thought processes, thus I wanted to see the main character try to win her back or accept her for what she did. Not drop her like a dead fish and continue on. Even if he did, that last line left a bitter taste onto the whole piece. It just didn't match for some reason.
The Bad: Gabe seemed a little fake. The lines that he said were too rigid or just didn't feel right with the character. If he's going to be a douchebag, let him be either be a colossal douche or an accidental douche. What I mean here is that you chose something in between which results in an awkward area of writing. A colossal douche would be banging the girl for shits and giggles- and to insult the main character since it's fucking funny to watch a person squirm. An accidental douche is someone who is just ignorant or overly close-minded. As a result, he seemed a little fake. Structure wise, I felt like the beginning was too long and the action didn't actually happen until much later on. I'd rather see the main character have time to deal with a series of events rather than it being tossed at him only to end the entire story a few paragraphs later.
The Good: Ouch... we got some NTR shit going on here. This entire thing played out like a drama gone sour. I was about to give a giant groan when I was going to read a story about a guy meeting a girl online and falling in love. I was half-expecting, they meet up, they get all lovey-dovey, then end. THEN you added Gabe to this whole mess. Thank God for Gabe. Bam! Total douche bag, an emotionally damaged girl, and a hapless romantic. You have a solid mix here and I enjoyed the ending for some reason- a lot. That's not to say I would ever do that, but it does feel like something like that would happen in something as flimsy as an online relationship. I like it.
Grammer: OK
The OK: For some reason, I didn't like the last line. "And it burns, even today." I'm use to hollywood endings/thought processes, thus I wanted to see the main character try to win her back or accept her for what she did. Not drop her like a dead fish and continue on. Even if he did, that last line left a bitter taste onto the whole piece. It just didn't match for some reason.
The Bad: Gabe seemed a little fake. The lines that he said were too rigid or just didn't feel right with the character. If he's going to be a douchebag, let him be either be a colossal douche or an accidental douche. What I mean here is that you chose something in between which results in an awkward area of writing. A colossal douche would be banging the girl for shits and giggles- and to insult the main character since it's fucking funny to watch a person squirm. An accidental douche is someone who is just ignorant or overly close-minded. As a result, he seemed a little fake. Structure wise, I felt like the beginning was too long and the action didn't actually happen until much later on. I'd rather see the main character have time to deal with a series of events rather than it being tossed at him only to end the entire story a few paragraphs later.
0
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
CoffeePrince wrote...
The OK: For some reason, I didn't like the last line. "And it burns, even today." I'm use to hollywood endings/thought processes, thus I wanted to see the main character try to win her back or accept her for what she did. Not drop her like a dead fish and continue on. Even if he did, that last line left a bitter taste onto the whole piece. It just didn't match for some reason.Lol what?
She tossed him aside for some other guy and he should just try to get her back? The character loved someone who was taken away from him in about two days. I dunno if trying to do that is sane.
Also, you wrote the review twice. =P