The All-Encompassing Mind

"Still nervous?"

"Should I not be?"

"Here: this old guy I worked with a year or so ago--Martin--he was out picking through a drifting private shuttle we found. The engines had blown out--y'know, rich idiots don't know what maintenance is--anyway so he's in there. Atmo is completely vented, big bulky suit, small space, old guy ain't as nimble as he used to be. The picture paints itself, right?"

"I'm guessing a breach in the suit?"

"Ding-ding"

"Well, anything else and this would be an absurdly irrelevant story."

"Yeah yeah. So: air's getting out. He can't reach the damn hole to patch it. Little dime-sized hole killing a man and 20 years of working in zero-gee don't mean shit to stop it--like falling off the last radio tower you're supposed to fix."

"I don't need this right now, man. Could we just--"

"The point is...the point is I went out and patched him. Brought him back on-board. He's out for a few hours. First thing he says when he wakes up is how amazing it was."

"Amazing?"

"Amazing."

"Like the word that's synonymous with 'astounding'?"

"Swear to fucking God, dude. He's going on about it. Transcendental. Life-affirming. He said it felt like his mind was expanding. It covered the system, the galaxy, the cluster, the whole goddamned universe. He was everything, just drifting outward for all eternity. Pretty crazy, right Alistar? "

For a time there was no response over the comm channel, only measured breathing.

"Jeff?"

"Yeah man?"

"How's it looking?" This time it was Alistar who sat in a half-minute of silence.

"I'm really sorry, man. It's not looking good. The entire docking coupling is shorn off that thing and I barely made it back over here with all those breaches in my suit when the bolts popped."

Alistar struggled to swallow the lump inside his throat. "So--"

"5 minutes. You got 5 minutes left. I need to get out of here before the feds get here and make things worse. I'll uh, I'll make sure your sister knows. Someone's got to." With that Jeff angled the small salvage craft away from the derelict freighter and pulsed his engines, launching himself across the inky black. He kept the channel open, though neither he nor Alistar said anything.

Four minutes and twenty one seconds later a light crackle came through the speaker, barely audible at the maximum distance of Alistar's radio transmission.

"Jeff?"

"Yeah?"

"Martin. He said your mind expands, right? Covers the whole goddamn universe?"

"Yeah. Heavy stuff, huh?" He forced the lighter tone of their conversation from earlier. Two ragged breaths came through in response, then a sniffle.

"He lied, Jeff. He lied. I'm not everywhere, I'm just here. I'm just..." Alistar's voice dopplered into ultrasonic bands and the link cut with a light pop.

Jeff wrung his shaking hands and felt his stomach turn. A small exclamation point appeared on the ship's display. He tapped it, and a five second timer appeared beneath an oscilloscope, all below block letters reading "Transmission Recovered". He fought the urge to throw it away, but in the end he lightly pressed the "Play" button.

"I'm not everywhere. I'm just here. I'm just," there was a shudder as Alistar inhaled, "cold."

Something so small brings such empathy for the characters. You always had a talent for giving your people life with so little needed. Genius.

Amazing. Transcendental. Life-affirming. It was darn good to say the least. One of the best beginnings I have ever read. Very minimalistic story which enables the dramatic reveal to be so powerful. It stands very well on its own due to the dialogue feeling very real and human.

I don't quite get why you use two hyphens instead of just one though. Is that a stylistic thing? I find it quite weird.

The dialogue could have needed more identifiers, I felt myself getting lost in the middle when the names were introduced and pauses happened at the same time. I had to stop and retrace the dialogue and the names to make sure I knew who was saying what.

I'm surprised Jeff is taking being abandoned so well. Either that is his character, or it's an oversight. I would have expected more panic and accusations.

Some questions remain (What were they doing? Salvaging some old freighter? Why were the feds coming? Why were they talking so long, couldn't Alistair have gone out in that time to help Jeff? Why were they out there? Why is Jeff so calm about being abandoned?), but the drama is pulled off incredibly well. Still, there could probably have been more feeling in the last few lines, but again this may be due to their character traits; The voice cracking up, sounding teary, etc., would have further enhanced it for me, instead of just "Uh, I'll be going then."

Actually, using two hyphens has sort of become an acceptable substitute for the em dash (—), which cannot be found on many standard keyboards. Not many know how to find an em dash to copy it into a piece if they want to use it, or bother to memorize the Alt code (Alt + 0151) or the Word shortcut (Ctrl + Alt + Numpad -). Though I have because I love it and want to perfect my use of it.

In regards to the questions, that is why Jerry's short stories are so delicious. They plead questions for detail and provide few answers.

Also, the two hyphen style is how you write em dashes in manuscript format or so I've heard.

I like the story, but I couldn't get into it as much as you guys seem to have. I don't know. I just need more before I grow attachments to characters, but that is not to say that I can't appreciate what Jericho has done here.

Oh, I am as well. I often prefer writing that is descriptive, complete, and in-depth, however it took Jerry for me to learn that there are more important things (depending on your story) than what color the main character's hair is, or how he parts it, or whether or not the person he's talking to is sporting a different one. I won't go in-depth here, however your piece in this contest actually made great use of leaving out details that are just clutter, but providing what is essential to tell the story you sought to. You only have so many words to use before you reach your limit, after all. When reading, one has to question what they see and what they don't in a piece and seek to understand if the information provided is intentional. "Is this sentence necessary to improve the story? Would I need more information in this area to further appreciate and understand the concept that the author is trying to convey? These things that I am annoyed I don't know, are they really crucial to getting the point of the story?"

These are some of the questions I ask myself internally when I am analyzing your pieces.

I didn't necessarily mean that I need more description. I was talking more along the lines of story and plot.



Funny you should mention hair color as an example. There's this one book series I've read part of where the color of the protagonist's hair isn't even mentioned until the second book. Besides that, you don't get much beyond the fact that he's white and a teen.



I don't wanna get too off track here, but thanks for the compliment.

I can understand not being enveloped in this little tale. Much of this is about implication. I won't hesitate to immediately admit that it is through my own shortcomings that this implication was not conveyed properly, but I also feel compelled to at least explain my thoughts that led to me thinking the piece was sufficient as it was. Oddly enough, this can be done with one line, and it's actually the first. I had hoped it would have the same impact to a reader as it does to me when I hear it myself.

"You still nervous?"

Both Alistar and Jeff must know what the situation is, even though the reader is clearly in the dark. It also implies that the second speaker (Alistar) is not entirely at peace with what is happening. It does not, however, indicate at all that anything can be done. In my mind, in fact, it does the opposite. It illustrates an immediate sense of hopelessness. I for one have never been asked a question like that without it being at the cusp of something I cannot stop from happening. It's almost an indication of resignation. Maybe something can be done, but it simply never quite came to you. It's the kind of question someone asks for their own peace of mind rather than your own.

The confusion on you part, Raptor, I can sadly not account for in any way but my own indiscretion and lack of self-editing. I truly am sorry the confusion diminished from your experience, and I'll make every measure I can to rectify this series of blunders in future works.

In any case, I will apologize once more and still sincerely hope it was at least worth your time. Thanks very much to all three of you for your thoughts. I'd have addressed what you said, Xenon, but it was very positive and I feel like I should respond to the constructive criticism first. Thank you very much for such praise, Xenon. I shall always endeavor to maintain what makes my writings mine while adding more to make them better. Thank you for reminding me what those elements are. Your thoughts are always taken to heart, my friend.

I looked it up and indeed it is so. I haven't really posted stories in formats not allowing for em dashes, so I had no idea. You can do either -- or --- for an em dash. I probably prefer the triple hyphen, double is a bit short for my tastes. That also allows you to use -- for an en dash. Although you can also throw in en dashes (–) and em dashes (—) using their alt codes, they just don't copy over and they look a bit short.



As I said, it was darn good, so don't get me wrong. I liked it.

Naturally, that garners much more potential for growth than my empty words of encouragement. If you want me to be more critical, you should screw up more! I rarely if ever catch you making a typo or blunder in your works, but when I do, I bring it to your attention. What you can count on, however, is my support for your works, regardless of what I do or don't catch.

Very interesting to learn how the story was inspired, however. Such a philosophical analysis of a common question is something that can reveal much of what typically is taken for granted. Now that I think about it, this is the second time our writings have mysterious connections, considering how much weight a simple question or statement can have.

There is one compelling reason for me not to make any remarks about your work before the contest ends. It is the fact that you are one of the judges. However, since the contest just ended, it is alright to whine and moan about your entry!

This article reads quite like d(^_^)(^_^)d's and FGRaptor's entries where the reader is plunged straight into the action. If you have read my remarks about those entries, you might have an idea what I think about yours.

I did not know what is happening because of my inability to figure out what is going on. As a reader of essays and newspaper articles, I look for keywords and sentences that give an indication of what the piece is about. This is extremely difficult for me to do if the setting is established through dialogue.

The following is a quote from your composition, placed in a spoiler.



Allow me to write down what leonard267 thought had happened:

Martin has a fetish for automobiles especially those buses which shuttle people to and fro that are aptly named shuttle buses. These buses have a special ventilation system known as atmos. It so happens that Martin suffered a heart attack induced by claustrophobia and the heat caused by the big suit he was wearing. He was saved in the end though but his rescuers had to suffer his ravings about the hallucinations he experienced whilst in that bus.


It is quite possible to misinterpret the contents of this article. I had to read through twice to establish that it is set in outer space. My pet peeve when remarking about the contest entries is to demand the poor author to write one or two short sentences indicating that they are in outer space gossiping about an old man. It orientates me and I find incentive to continue reading or to appreciate it.

Never mind that this reading habit of mine means I can't appreciate quite a lot of good work...

Reminds me of your great Wings of Ether. So little, but at the same time, so much. I have little to say other than that I thoroughly enjoyed it. I didn't really understand much. I didn't know what they were doing or why, but it didn't really matter.



The chills... I can hear his voice cracking at this point, and instances like this are what capture me. I have no attachment, and yet why can I feel so much sympathy Alistar?

Impressive work. That's all I can say. Ah, and thanks for judging!