The Eagle and the Raven
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Testing story writing with little to no third person narration. Criticism is favored.
Chapter 1:
Chapter 1:
Spoiler:
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Aai
FAKKU Ass Master
I'm not one for first person perspective really, but in this case it seems like a documentary, but when thinking comes up, I believe you should make use of Italics.
At the end of the last paragraph you should have put it in third person (or just third person all the way)
At the end of the last paragraph you should have put it in third person (or just third person all the way)
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Aai
FAKKU Ass Master
Better yes, needs something like; A swift air blowing through, a well timed shot came bursting through the chest of the president.
Well something along those lines, something of a detail really, not too much detail though.
Well something along those lines, something of a detail really, not too much detail though.
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When you use interjections in monologues, you should either line break, use a dash, or use semicolons.
Ex
The crowd is tired of waiting, they are afraid, fearful of the news I bring, good.
__________________________________________________________________________________
The crowd is tired of waiting, they are afraid, fearful of the news I bring.
Good.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Also, use a thesaurus. Some of the words have odd connotations.
The word "tingly" has a connotation of a happy and lighthearted mood. This excerpt has a foreboding tone to it - you know something bad is going to happen. "Tingly" goes against the grain of that mood. It makes the reader think of little giddy girls and boys or maybe being gently tickled.
Consider a rewrite of that line, or maybe a different adverb if you can find one. Find some way to describe the excitement and electricity in the moment without using such a plain and misleading word.
Tingly isn't the only example, but it is the first one you run across.
Interesting idea and take on the scenario though. Keep it up.
Ex
The crowd is tired of waiting, they are afraid, fearful of the news I bring, good.
__________________________________________________________________________________
The crowd is tired of waiting, they are afraid, fearful of the news I bring.
Good.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Also, use a thesaurus. Some of the words have odd connotations.
Spoiler:
The word "tingly" has a connotation of a happy and lighthearted mood. This excerpt has a foreboding tone to it - you know something bad is going to happen. "Tingly" goes against the grain of that mood. It makes the reader think of little giddy girls and boys or maybe being gently tickled.
Consider a rewrite of that line, or maybe a different adverb if you can find one. Find some way to describe the excitement and electricity in the moment without using such a plain and misleading word.
Tingly isn't the only example, but it is the first one you run across.
Interesting idea and take on the scenario though. Keep it up.
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neko-chan wrote...
The word "tingly" has a connotation of a happy and lighthearted mood. This excerpt has a foreboding tone to it - you know something bad is going to happen. "Tingly" goes against the grain of that mood. It makes the reader think of little giddy girls and boys or maybe being gently tickled. Spider Man would like to disagree with you, sir
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Spoiler:
Ah, but that is a catchphrase, "Spider sense tingling". Also, that feeling doesn't always alert him of danger, there can be many reason reasons he is feeling that sensation. Plus, that word fits perfectly in that situation. He can't say, "My spider sense is acting up" because that sounds like it is a disease.
Plus, there is a difference between, "Tingly" and "Tingling" connotation-wise.
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Hmm...I've always preferred a more descriptive type of story. From this, I'm reading it, but I'm not getting the sense of being in it. Use a colours, sounds and touching sensations to engage the reader. I once wrote a 400 word short story that won, because I used a good mix of fully describing the scenario, and then didn't describe anything at all as the twist at the end kicked in. Use this to your advantage. The reader will be able to engage the speed of the story you are telling by what you have, or haven't, described.
My English teacher told me one of his three pearls of wisdom; show, do not tell. However, in this, it appears that everything is being explained to me. I don't like it. Allow the reader to infer some stuff by themselves.
However, I also see the word "tingly" is back in. I'm with Neko-chan on this matter. I'm not too sure what you are insinuating by "tingly"; do you mean that he actually feel tingly - like a weaker form of pins and needles - or do you mean that he can barely contain his joy? I presume the latter; if so use a different word/phrase. However, I feel that the way it goes against the grain of the mood suits, unlike Neko-chan. It's always good to throw a googly for the reader to enjoy.
That's my two cents. Despite what I have said, I did enjoy it. But I want it ever better ;)
My English teacher told me one of his three pearls of wisdom; show, do not tell. However, in this, it appears that everything is being explained to me. I don't like it. Allow the reader to infer some stuff by themselves.
However, I also see the word "tingly" is back in. I'm with Neko-chan on this matter. I'm not too sure what you are insinuating by "tingly"; do you mean that he actually feel tingly - like a weaker form of pins and needles - or do you mean that he can barely contain his joy? I presume the latter; if so use a different word/phrase. However, I feel that the way it goes against the grain of the mood suits, unlike Neko-chan. It's always good to throw a googly for the reader to enjoy.
That's my two cents. Despite what I have said, I did enjoy it. But I want it ever better ;)
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I wasn't intending for the first chapter to be descriptive, but I do see that there is room for improvement now. Thank you.
Truthfully, I was purposely avoiding it since the story was supposed to be entirely from a first person narrative that switches to various people throughout the story, but that idea died in the second chapter I'm working on thanks to a secret alluded to at the end of this chapter being revealed, so a rethink could benefit the story.
p.s. This may completely and utterly break the story, so here goes...
Chapter 1: (new revision 1)
Truthfully, I was purposely avoiding it since the story was supposed to be entirely from a first person narrative that switches to various people throughout the story, but that idea died in the second chapter I'm working on thanks to a secret alluded to at the end of this chapter being revealed, so a rethink could benefit the story.
p.s. This may completely and utterly break the story, so here goes...
Chapter 1: (new revision 1)
Spoiler: