The Greatest Gift (Enhanced Ver.)

AssasinZAssasin · 2013-01-14T13:58:23-01:00

Link to original work: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=77861 Hey! So, apparently it's been about a year or so since my first submission of "The Greatest Gift" In the Seasonal Writing Contest, which got me my first finalist place on this site's writing contests...It is one of those stories i am really proud of. So, as i promised a year ago, i upgraded this story. Hopefully you would find it better than last time! Yes, i am aware Christmas is well past, but i would love some reviews for my enchanced piece of writing! Hopefully it's as good as some expected it to be... Some notable edits - Original protagonist name "John" is now "Wilfred". - FAKKU industries is now "TopNotch" industries, due to the contest i entered requiring a proper name. Yeah, So click dat spoilz button below 'ere. Spoiler:The Greatest Gift Christmas Eve, the season to be jolly! Where people celebrate, where children salivate, where workers take a hard earned break. Shops are closed, presents are wrapped, and lovers cuddle, while those alone wept. It was a wintry night, and a solitary young man strode along the snow caked streets. His jacket hung loose and his scarf was wrapped tightly around his neck. He was shivering in his stride, lost in his thoughts. He looked around, left and right. There were shops all around, but none were open. He watched lovers cuddled up on benches, and silently yearned for such warmth. Ever since the death of his parents, he had not known love. 8 years spent in a run-down orphanage, forced to leave as he had come of age…2 years spent in a factory, working to his earn next-to-nothing salary, barely managing to put food on his table. The whisper of a cooling breeze shook him out of his reminiscence. He checked his watch and sighed. He tried to move but fell over in his attempt. “Just great, my feet fell asleep.” He sighed as he tried to get up. “Oh, what’s this? Willy, my boy…I knew you were under poor circumstances but to sleep here? On the sidewalk?” A sarcastic voice piped up and Wilfred instantly knew who it belonged to. “What do you want, Mark? Flaunt your cash and women at me again?” Wilfred spat. “Spare me, because I’ve had enough of a day without seeing your wretched face.” Wilfred got up and glared at him. Mark shoved him to the ground and laughed haughtily, proclaiming, “I can’t help it that I was born with a rich daddy and mumsy. Oh wait, I forgot, that’s something you don’t have, hah!” Wilfred gritted his teeth and brushed past. “Hey, I’m not done with you! Get back here!” Mark’s voice faded out as Wilfred moved further away. Wilfred passed by a which stood as a barrier between him and the biggest building in his hometown…The door to TopNotch Industries, the company owned solely by Mark’s father. “This company bankrupted my employers…And now I’m wandering the streets, doing odd jobs just to get a square meal every day.” Wilfred muttered resentfully. Wilfred didn’t know what he wanted to do. He was merely wandering the snowy streets with its icy breeze, hoping for inspiration. The job listing board was frosted over with ice, evidence of the frigid winter. Wilfred could have asked his relatives for money, but he didn’t want to. They were stretched thin as it is. “I wonder, is this sort of life is worth living?” Wilfred thought out loud. Wilfred could have given up. He got a rope on his 20th birthday from Mark, as a joke perhaps…; or more likely, bait. Wilfred’s parents were supposed to leave behind an inheritance, but one day it just disappeared, probably stolen. The fact that Wilfred even had a place to live was a miracle. However, despite his circumstances, he was determined to survive in this world. Wilfred passed by the graveyard and, after a moment of hesitation, went in. He walked over to his parents’ gravestone. “Mom, Dad…It’s been 10 years, soon to be 11 since the day you left me alone in this world… Sometimes, honestly I find myself hating it…Hating you. Why did you leave me? I know you didn’t choose to do it but I just hate that you guys up and left me…” Wilfred gritted his teeth and salty tears flowed down his face as he blinked hard, urging himself to look away from the gravestones. “Families gather together, celebrating Christmas. Lovers go to fancy restaurants to celebrate Christmas; even workers have their own little party… And here I am, spending some time with my…family.” Wilfred’s thoughts drew a resigned sigh from his lips as he calmed. Wilfred missed them dearly. He even found himself missing the orphanage - that run-down yet warm place, in which he sought refuge. He missed his caretaker, all his friends, and everyone else at the orphanage. Wilfred walked over to the orphanage, past the bulletin board. The bulletin board showed any news and upcoming events in town. Wilfred wasn’t surprised to see that TopNotch Industries dominated most of the board with its announcements. When he arrived at his destination, Wilfred felt a sharp pain in his heart. It was as if someone had driven a stake through it…The orphanage was wrecked and a sign was plastered in front. Judging by the rundown state of the place, it was no surprise that the sign said †˜Lot for sale’. It hurt him deeply. As he observed the desolate orphanage creak in the wind, Wilfred felt as if something, somewhere inside of him had died. Seeing his childhood home gone, his knees slowly buckled from under him. He fell, almost slowly, into the snow as moisture started to form in his eyes. As the first tears fell and struck the snow, Wilfred couldn't help but remember all his experiences on these grounds. All his friends, his caretaker…The memories were flooding his head so quickly it hurt. Wilfred jolted to his feet and ran away…Ran as far as his legs would take him; his only thought was escaping the pain in the form of his haunted memories. Images came to him in a flurry, from when he first came to the orphanage, until the day he left. The warmth of his shared bed, his first friend…Fighting over meals and toys, also over who slept on which end of the bed… The tears of the melancholic nostalgia came with a sharp pain in his heart. He remembered every little detail of his life in the orphanage, the name of his best friend, his first love, the first present he ever received, the warm hugs of the caretaker… Wilfred tripped over a rock and fell face first into the snow. He slammed the sidewalk with his fist, cursing his inability to do anything for the orphanage he grew up in, wishing he had returned sooner. He got up, and continued running, turning corners, jumping around fences…Until eventually he ran out of stamina and collapsed. Wilfred swore to himself. He rose slowly and found himself in front of a bar. His head was clouded. Without thinking straight, he walked inside. He sat himself down at the counter. “What’ll you be having, Mr. Customer?” The barkeep asked. “Just give me a cool beer...” Wilfred replied half-heartedly. As Wilfred waited for his beer as he leaned down against the bar, his head tilted as they rested on his crossed forearms, listening to the static of chatter in the dimly lit space… “Hey!” The barkeep’s voice broke Wilfred out of his reverie, and as he sat up he saw the glass of a crystal clear drink sliding down the counter toward him. With a clumsy hand he caught it, holding it in between his hands almost like in prayer. Wilfred took a few sips and savored the cool liquid flowing down his throat. He sighed in relief as he swished the liquid around in the cup. “So, you have any money for your drink there?' the barkeep asked, leaning over the counter while cleaning the glass he always seemed to be holding. Wilfred reeled back in shock at the realization that he barely had any money to pay. “Um…No, not really…” Wilfred said nervously. The barkeep stopped cleaning his glass abruptly, his smile disappeared and he slammed the counter. “You dare come in here and order drinks when you have no money?” The barkeep shouts at the top of his lungs. Wilfred could only look down regretfully. “You penniless piece of trash! Get out!” The barkeep shouted. A man from the nearby table got up and walked over to the scene. “Calm down, sir. Can’t you just excuse him this once? It’s Christmas! It’s the season for giving, after all.” He said calmly. “I can’t make a living if penniless bums come in here and order drinks without paying!” The barkeep boomed. The man sighed and put some money on the table. “This should cover it, yes?” He said. The barkeep’s eyes shined at the sight of coin and grabbed at it greedily, apparently appeased. “Oh, yes sir. Your patronage is very much appreciated!” He shot a dirty look at Wilfred. Wilfred busied himself with the floor, which became very interesting now that he was avoiding eye contact with the barkeep. The man gave Wilfred a glance and smirked, and then he started towards the door. As the man left, Wilfred got up and ran out after him. “Wait!” Wilfred shouted. The man looked back and his face remained indifferent. He stopped and turned around to face Wilfred. “Who are you? And… why did you help me?” Wilfred said as he halted in front of the man. “Name’s Jack, and as to why I helped you…Heh, well its Christmas, isn’t it?” Jack smiled. “What about Christmas? Beer is expensive around here, Jack.” Wilfred persisted. Jack turned around and started walking slowly. “Remember this; giving is infinitely better than receiving. Being able to give, to see a person happy like that…It’s the greatest gift given to us humans.” With that, Jack walked off. Wilfred could only stare at his back, wondering how anyone was capable of such kindness. Wilfred walked home slowly, thinking about the kindness Jack had given him. “It’s amazing…How can one person endeavor to commit such acts of kindness?” Wilfred thought out loud. Wilfred was deep in thought as he walked through the city roads, all the while questioning Jack’s act of kindness. It had really struck him, for apart from the orphanage, no one had really ever shown him kindness. He eventually realized he had walked down the wrong lane. “Damn it, I walked the wrong way!” Wilfred cursed inwardly. He was disappointed in himself. A small, weak cough sounded nearby which surprised him. He looked around but could not see anything else other than the dimly lit streetlight and some dumpsters. †˜Huh…Was it my imagination? I’m thinking too much, so much more than I usually do.’ Wilfred thought to himself. Cough…Cough… No, it’s definitely not my imagination. “What’s going on here?” Wilfred questioned nobody in particular. Puzzled, he scratched his head and looked around for the origin of the strange noise. He explored the vicinity and found a girl sitting next to the dumpsters. She looked no more than 16, shivering, wearing only a rather worn out dress and holding her knees close to her chest, hugging herself to stay warm. Wilfred’s heart filled with pity and empathy as he could relate to her suffering. He once went through this…The cold and frosty bite of the wind this time of the year is torture! Wilfred shivered a little as a breeze of the frosty, wintry air blew past. He was barely holding on with his thin jacket and ragged scarf. But to see her like this, shivering without much clothing in winter… It was a truly heartbreaking sight. †˜But really, nothing I can do…’ Wilfred thought to himself as he stared at her, eyes stained with pity and sadness. Wilfred was about to walk away, but Jack’s earlier words resonated in his mind. “Remember this; giving is infinitely better than receiving. Being able to give, to see a person happy like that…It’s the greatest gift given to us humans.” Wilfred hesitated before finally making a decision. He walked up to the girl and knelt down in front of her. She looked at him with shimmering blue eyes, and reeled slightly in fear. Wilfred extended his hand and smiled at her. He gestured for her to take his hand. The girl looked confused, but after a moment of hesitation grasped his hand. Wilfred pulled her up and dusted her off. Wilfred took off his jacket and scarf and put it over her. Wilfred let out a sharp gasp as the wind hit him and shuddered at the frosty bite of the chilly breeze. The girl looked at him with those shimmering eyes and asked, “Mister, aren’t you cold?” Her innocence is cute, Wilfred thought. “It’s okay…What’s your name?” Wilfred asked softly. “…Claire.” She replied after a moment’s hesitation. Wilfred smiled and gave her a hug. Claire jerked and struggled a little, but didn’t put up much resistance afterwards. “It may not be much to offer, since I’m poor and all…But would you like to live with me?” Wilfred asked. “You don’t look like you have a place to stay.” Her eyes started to shine brighter than before... But she looked at him with disbelief. Wilfred held her hand and led her to his house. The road home was a silent, heartwarming trip for Wilfred. He felt he had accomplished something great this day, and that he had made someone happy…that he had changed someone’s life for the better. Claire was quiet on the way, contemplating the change in her luck. She couldn’t believe what was happening, let alone why anyone would do something like what Wilfred did. “Mister, what’s your name?” Claire asked. Wilfred turned around and smiled brightly. “How rude of me…Ahem, well, my name is Wilfred.” Claire repeatedly muttered Wilfred’s name under her breath while they walked. As they approached Wilfred’s house, she stopped walking. He turned around and looked at her with curiosity. “Mister Wil, I was just wondering…Why are you doing this?” She asked, peering into his eyes. Wilfred shrugged. “Claire…It’s Christmas! It’s the season to be jolly…Not a sad lump by the roadside!” Wilfred said excitedly. She shook her head. “No, I mean why…Why are you so kind to me?” She gripped his hand hard and peered into his eyes, looking for an explanation. Wilfred chuckled at the irony of the situation. He was in a predicament just like this about an hour ago himself. Wilfred hugged her and smiled under the illumination of a streetlight on that dark, snowy night. Claire gave a surprised yelp but didn't resist. Wilfred took a breath of the cool night air before he whispered into her ear. “Giving is the greatest gift we humans are capable of…” The End

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Dawn_of_Dark

11 years ago

AssasinZAssasin wrote...

Whuts with the Pikachu...
Well, i suppose this company is a big as huge ass conglomerates so...It just opens all over the damn place.

Well, yeah okay, how about the places where the main guy visits are the "not so good" parts of town, where people don't really go to visit? Besides, i think he was out pretty late at night...

He is there for the funniness! Or not...

Well, it could be... But why do you mean by "not so good"? "(Dangerous, lots of thugs and the like, and lots of crime)not so good" or "(not fun)not so good"?

I think you could have a bar an dangerous places. But then, it would be uncommon to open an office or an factory there, or even a graveyard, let alone an orphanage. And how can you meet a nice guy there? Also, pretty late at night? I don't think they have a definition for "pretty late at night" on Christmas.

If it was more of the "not fun"... Then I guess everything could work out just fine, hmmm. But I think you still need to clarify the setting of the story more, for readers to be able to know exactly where the story is taking place.

I think the first thing you should focus on now is the backgrounds of the characters. All we know now about the characters now is their names and a little not really significant information. I think the piece need more back-stories to be more awesome.

AssasinZAssasin Not Hentai Protagonist

11 years ago

Like where all the poor dudes live. Homeless hobos.

Hmm, even in this horrid world, see, there are good people at some places, somewhere, sometimes, in the most unlikely of places.

I suppose, i thought it was made pretty clear though, at least to a casual "whatever" reader.

Yeah, backstory and character development is definitely a must here...Yup.

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