The Tales of Lord Greycock

Herodotus · 2013-11-22T20:47:16-01:00

[size=20]This is the Tales of Greycock, a book about the mediocre House of Greycock and the ever so potentially mediocre days of its Lords.[/h] Executive Writer: Me. Co-writers: Pyre and Antw0n. Artist: Antw0n ~ Chapter 1 ~ The story begins with Lord Greycock himself in bed with a fair maiden who has heard many a rumor of Lord Greycocks indeed grey cock. About to kiss the fair maiden, Lord Greycock wakes up, feeling ever so depressed by the fact that it was yet just another dream of his. His maid was sitting beside his bed, a bit perplexed from his sudden motions, she hands him his clothes and walks out as he starts to get dressed. "Ah, Chan, quiet as usual", Art thinks to himself, Lord Art Greycock the First was his name, it was given to him through rights, but we can just call him Art. Art began his day just like any other, he got dressed and then went directly to eat some breakfast; a shower wasn't necessary, atleast not this early in the morning. He had the usual, mashed potatoes together with some porkchops and bacon along with a nice cup of wine. After that it was time for some archery training, at which he was quite the doofus, usually he would miss atleast 5 out of 7 shots but he felt that today was his day. He picked up the bow and took a quiver of arrows with him to the range. Art drew an arrow, anchored and took aim. He fired his first arrow and as it sung through the air he thought it would be a sure hit, but it struck the outer edge of the target. He drew another arrow, yet again anchoring and taking aim. Another shot was fired this time striking a bit closer to the center. He felt a bit more confident now and fired another arrow, this time hitting even closer to the center. Overwhelmed by confidence Art decided to try his hardest with his next shot, firing the arrow. The shot missed completely, soaring off into the woods beyond the range. Art was struck hard by the failure that he had just witnessed, his confidence shattered completely as he fell to the ground almost in tears. Art decided to head back to his castle and upon his return was greeted by his lovely maid, Channelle. Channelle noticed that Art was quite down and asked if he wanted supper, Art replied with a melancholy "Yes". After supper, Art decided that it was time to clean himself and ordered Channelle to pour him a bath. With another day of lonely mediocrity passed, Art somberly wandered into bed. After reading a book for some time, the depression of the day took hold and he began crying into his pillow, a nightly ritual he has not missed for the past x years. And thus ends the first day in the Tales of Greycock. ~ End of Chapter 1 ~ Disclaimer: This is the supposed first chapter of The Tales of Lord Greycock, something which I came up with myself. Looking for criticism. Rough sketch of the Land of Fakkonia: http://puu.sh/5qk8v.png

Pages 12

GreenZero Get Jinxed

11 years ago

I see a lot of potential for this

Herodotus

11 years ago

artcellrox wrote...

OK, actual constructive criticism incoming, unless you faggots don't intend on making this a seriously written story, in which case you can skip this.

Spoiler:

Other than that, only personal gripe I have with the content is that it took a little too many jabs at my own insecurities and, while chuckle-worthy, did make me feel like I'm shit at everything. Of course, that was probably because I was actually expecting more of my exhibitionism traits to pop up, judging from the title.

Let's see what the future holds for this story.

I'll try to make this as serious as I can, and yes English is my second language so I don't really see how you can expect too much of it. I like being simple and to the point, leaves a lot of bullshit out but can also leave a lot of detail out which is less than preferable, this will improve as we go, hopefully.

I don't really know why you expected the first chapter to be longer, I saw it as a prologue-esq chapter, it's just supposed to be about the first day with not a lot to give or take apart from that you're bad at some stuff, you'll be properly fleshed out later on, I'll try atleast.

This is a story written by amateurs (atleast I) and merely written for fun, expecting it to be written in the same style as a real book is expecting far too much and to me is simply stupid and thus will be treated as such.

Drifter995 Neko//Night

11 years ago

If you want buddy, send me a copy of your second chapter, and I can spice it up for you, make it a bit more story worthy ;D

But otherwise, I like the concept, and where this is going.
10/10 would inject marijuana into the script.

I'm going to be in this, yes?

Herodotus

11 years ago

Drifter995 wrote...

PM me if you have anything special in mind, and yes anyone that wants to will be.

d(^_^)(^_^)d

11 years ago

These kinds of stories aren't really my thing, but it was short so I gave it a read. Two things:

Is this fair maiden Art dreams about someone in particular?

I guess my main criticism is the way Art is presented so far. I think it's important to establish some kind of likeable trait about the characters we follow as soon as possible. If there's nothing likable about them then why should we follow them to begin with? The only thing we really see of Art so far is dreaming about getting laid, failing at archery and crying himself to sleep. That's not exactly compelling.

Herodotus

11 years ago

d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...

This is great feedback, thank you, really! I'll have to work on that, I'm not the most avid writer and we merely did this for fun but as I plan on making this into more of a serious thing, any and all feedback or criticism is welcome.

I will talk about this with Pyre and Ant to see how we can convey that in the easiest way possible, I hope you'll be here for chapter 2 and give more feedback on whether we have improved or not.

And no, for now the girl is nobody special, maybe later on.

Kiraneko

11 years ago