Unamed for now....
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I just got this idea the other day, mind you i haven't finished yet...
Prologue
On this dark cloudless night, the crescent moon shined menacingly; as though smiling at the humans that dared walk at night....
High up on the hills of Miera Town lies a huge western mansion. The mansion's walls were old and moss were growing out of it's edges. The garden was a wreck; with tall grass and dying trees, the place only spelled death and despair....And in this horrifying mansion, a girl was seen standing by the side of an open second floor window. The girl was beautiful. She had long white hair that curled at the edges. Her fair complexion shines radiantly in the moonlight. Her long lacy gothic clothing flutter as the night wind blows.
There was something odd about this girl. So thought the young man that stood in the yard of the mansion. The young man scratched his head ruffle his jet black hair and thought:
She is so beautiful....But....Something is not right...Why would a girl be living here by herself?
Then, the girl opened her eyes....Her eyes belong not that to a human, She had crimson red pupils as deep as a ruby and as beautiful as one too. The girl felt a presence and looked down into the yard. She gave no expression on her face, as though she cannot see him, but she did... She saw the young man, dressed in uniform and thought,
......A student.....
The girl walked out of the window and jumped down from the room. The young man showed no reaction as he kept looking at the girl, entranced by her beauty. She walked slowly, step by step, towards the young man. The girl walked until she was less than 2 inches from the young man. She showed no signs of backing away or fear; his expression were that of surprise.
The girl extended her long slender arms towards the young man's broad back and slowly embraced him. The young man's deep blue eyes unfocused as the girl whispered something softly into his ears. The girl brought her face close to the young man's neck, so close the breath touched his neck. Then, she suddenly open her mouth and reveal fangs, long fangs, and sink those fangs into the young man. The pain broke his trance and he felt weak as his blood was sucked.
The man fell on the floor, unconscious. Then the girl raised her right hand and said,
"Rise, my servant.....Your master, Lucia Valeria Encer commands,"
The young man did as he was told. He rose up in a trance.
"Speak your name."
"Keith Hethers...,"
The young man said it in a trance-like voice. Then all of a sudden his body started to twitch. Then, Keith made a struggling face and shouted,
"WHAT THE HELL!?"
"Hm.....so the human can break off from my control...Not bad...."
Lucia said in a mocking tone, her face still expressionless.
"What the helll are you?!"
"Is that how you talk to your master human?"
"Master..? What the hell are you talking about?!"
"I'm your master, human. I have bitten you, now you belong to me..."
"What bullshit are you talking you damn bitch!? I don't know what are you but let me go!"
"Foolish one, perhaps you should have a taste of pain before talking to your master like that..."
Lucia raised a finger and Keith whole body felt pain; it was a pain like no other he felt before. It was as though his body was pierced by daggers yet no wound was present. His whole body was curled up in pain but he wouldn't scream....No, he chose to take the pain. He looked at Lucia with hatred in his eyes.
"Ergh.... What...the hell...are you..."
"I see you're a tough one. Very well...I shall tell you... I am a vampire. The rulers of the night and darkness."
"Vam...pire? What do you....want with me..."
Lucia just smirked at that question. She released Keith with a wave of a finger and said,
"I just thought you looked tasty and bit you. I have no specific reason. Nevertheless, you now belong to me..."
"HEY!! Don't I get a say in this?!"
"Of course not... You are just a servant."
"So?...Now that I'm a 'servant', what is going to happen to me?"
"Nothing much.... but you are to move into the mansion."
"WHAT!!!!"
"You heard me."
Lucia's eyes gleamed menacingly as she said her last sentence. Keith felt a surge of fear as he saw those eyes.
"....Fine.... Then, can I go back now? Even if you tell me to move into this.....'mansion' of yours, I have to pack my things first."
"Then, you shall be in the mansion right after tommorow's sunset. Is that clear?"
"..........."
"Well?"
"Yes......"
With that, the life of a vampire and a human started...... Keith had not yet realised; his life had turned into a nightmare. However...what awaited him was not only despair, there was bliss and happiness as well.....
End Of Prologue
[u]
EDIT: I added the rest of the prologue enjoy people. 8)
Prologue
On this dark cloudless night, the crescent moon shined menacingly; as though smiling at the humans that dared walk at night....
High up on the hills of Miera Town lies a huge western mansion. The mansion's walls were old and moss were growing out of it's edges. The garden was a wreck; with tall grass and dying trees, the place only spelled death and despair....And in this horrifying mansion, a girl was seen standing by the side of an open second floor window. The girl was beautiful. She had long white hair that curled at the edges. Her fair complexion shines radiantly in the moonlight. Her long lacy gothic clothing flutter as the night wind blows.
There was something odd about this girl. So thought the young man that stood in the yard of the mansion. The young man scratched his head ruffle his jet black hair and thought:
She is so beautiful....But....Something is not right...Why would a girl be living here by herself?
Then, the girl opened her eyes....Her eyes belong not that to a human, She had crimson red pupils as deep as a ruby and as beautiful as one too. The girl felt a presence and looked down into the yard. She gave no expression on her face, as though she cannot see him, but she did... She saw the young man, dressed in uniform and thought,
......A student.....
The girl walked out of the window and jumped down from the room. The young man showed no reaction as he kept looking at the girl, entranced by her beauty. She walked slowly, step by step, towards the young man. The girl walked until she was less than 2 inches from the young man. She showed no signs of backing away or fear; his expression were that of surprise.
The girl extended her long slender arms towards the young man's broad back and slowly embraced him. The young man's deep blue eyes unfocused as the girl whispered something softly into his ears. The girl brought her face close to the young man's neck, so close the breath touched his neck. Then, she suddenly open her mouth and reveal fangs, long fangs, and sink those fangs into the young man. The pain broke his trance and he felt weak as his blood was sucked.
The man fell on the floor, unconscious. Then the girl raised her right hand and said,
"Rise, my servant.....Your master, Lucia Valeria Encer commands,"
The young man did as he was told. He rose up in a trance.
"Speak your name."
"Keith Hethers...,"
The young man said it in a trance-like voice. Then all of a sudden his body started to twitch. Then, Keith made a struggling face and shouted,
"WHAT THE HELL!?"
"Hm.....so the human can break off from my control...Not bad...."
Lucia said in a mocking tone, her face still expressionless.
"What the helll are you?!"
"Is that how you talk to your master human?"
"Master..? What the hell are you talking about?!"
"I'm your master, human. I have bitten you, now you belong to me..."
"What bullshit are you talking you damn bitch!? I don't know what are you but let me go!"
"Foolish one, perhaps you should have a taste of pain before talking to your master like that..."
Lucia raised a finger and Keith whole body felt pain; it was a pain like no other he felt before. It was as though his body was pierced by daggers yet no wound was present. His whole body was curled up in pain but he wouldn't scream....No, he chose to take the pain. He looked at Lucia with hatred in his eyes.
"Ergh.... What...the hell...are you..."
"I see you're a tough one. Very well...I shall tell you... I am a vampire. The rulers of the night and darkness."
"Vam...pire? What do you....want with me..."
Lucia just smirked at that question. She released Keith with a wave of a finger and said,
"I just thought you looked tasty and bit you. I have no specific reason. Nevertheless, you now belong to me..."
"HEY!! Don't I get a say in this?!"
"Of course not... You are just a servant."
"So?...Now that I'm a 'servant', what is going to happen to me?"
"Nothing much.... but you are to move into the mansion."
"WHAT!!!!"
"You heard me."
Lucia's eyes gleamed menacingly as she said her last sentence. Keith felt a surge of fear as he saw those eyes.
"....Fine.... Then, can I go back now? Even if you tell me to move into this.....'mansion' of yours, I have to pack my things first."
"Then, you shall be in the mansion right after tommorow's sunset. Is that clear?"
"..........."
"Well?"
"Yes......"
With that, the life of a vampire and a human started...... Keith had not yet realised; his life had turned into a nightmare. However...what awaited him was not only despair, there was bliss and happiness as well.....
End Of Prologue
[u]
EDIT: I added the rest of the prologue enjoy people. 8)
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intriguing...and im happy to finally see some of your writing...
ok umm yes very cool i liked it i found it funny from all the times you said trance but i guess that cant be helped...
either there belongs a comma or there is a word misplaced
ok umm yes very cool i liked it i found it funny from all the times you said trance but i guess that cant be helped...
I don't know what are you but let me go!"
either there belongs a comma or there is a word misplaced
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wow. after all the HARSH but meaningful comments on other's stories I get to see ur writing! and i admit it's pretty good. AND! i barely see any TYPOS! swweeet looking forward 4 the rest :wink:
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Lol thanks for the comments. Sorry to say that i've only finish about 30% of chapter 1 but i promise the chapter to be good(or at least i hope...... :?)
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A decent attempt at writing. Your descriptions are rich and detailed, and the plot is very intriguing. However, apart from the occasional grammar mistake here and there, you committed some basic writing errors that prevent your writing from really shining.
1) Awkward expressions. Quite a few of your sentences (in fact, most of them) are poorly worded, and I've quoted two sentences below:
it was a pain like no other he felt before....
For example, I'd write the first sentence as "Her eyes were not those of a human", and the second one as "it was a pain he had never felt before". These awkward sentences make your writing look unpolished, so I'd suggest proof-reading your work after you write it to catch errors like these. Also, while some of your sentences were worded fine, you might want to improve them by using more specific and meaningful adjectives and verbs.
2) Tense agreement. It's very important that you keep your tenses consistent. You should stick to either past or present tense throughout, depending on whether it's present narration, first-person, third-person etc. Since you are narrating a scene that has happened (in the fictional world), you should be using past tense throughout. This quote below is one example in your writing where you failed to keep tenses consistent:
Again, there are quite a few of these and it really hampered your writing.
3) Punctuation. You tend to have way too many strings of dots ("......."), and what it does is confuse the reader in terms of how your prose flows. You can substitute your dot strings with commas or semicolons depending on the nature of the clauses you are separating.
So those are the major errors I spotted from a quick readthrough. I'd also suggest that you add descriptions of how they talk (ie. "Lucia said confidently" or "Keith retorted"). These can really spice up the conversations if done well.
These were just the main things that stood out to me as I skimmed through your writing. I wish you luck on your chapter; I know how difficult it is to overcome writer's block, and it seems like you're doing a good job with that.
1) Awkward expressions. Quite a few of your sentences (in fact, most of them) are poorly worded, and I've quoted two sentences below:
Damienthedevil wrote...
Her eyes belong not that to a human...it was a pain like no other he felt before....
For example, I'd write the first sentence as "Her eyes were not those of a human", and the second one as "it was a pain he had never felt before". These awkward sentences make your writing look unpolished, so I'd suggest proof-reading your work after you write it to catch errors like these. Also, while some of your sentences were worded fine, you might want to improve them by using more specific and meaningful adjectives and verbs.
2) Tense agreement. It's very important that you keep your tenses consistent. You should stick to either past or present tense throughout, depending on whether it's present narration, first-person, third-person etc. Since you are narrating a scene that has happened (in the fictional world), you should be using past tense throughout. This quote below is one example in your writing where you failed to keep tenses consistent:
Damienthedevil wrote...
The girl brought her face close to the young man's neck, so close the breath touched his neck. Then, she suddenly open her mouth and reveal fangs, long fangs, and sink those fangs into the young man.Again, there are quite a few of these and it really hampered your writing.
3) Punctuation. You tend to have way too many strings of dots ("......."), and what it does is confuse the reader in terms of how your prose flows. You can substitute your dot strings with commas or semicolons depending on the nature of the clauses you are separating.
So those are the major errors I spotted from a quick readthrough. I'd also suggest that you add descriptions of how they talk (ie. "Lucia said confidently" or "Keith retorted"). These can really spice up the conversations if done well.
These were just the main things that stood out to me as I skimmed through your writing. I wish you luck on your chapter; I know how difficult it is to overcome writer's block, and it seems like you're doing a good job with that.
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i dont think im qualified to comment on ANY stories. i feel like i dont have any qualifications even though i plan on taking Amercian Lit. :shock:
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Raze wrote...
A decent attempt at writing. Your descriptions are rich and detailed, and the plot is very intriguing. However, apart from the occasional grammar mistake here and there, you committed some basic writing errors that prevent your writing from really shining.1) Awkward expressions. Quite a few of your sentences (in fact, most of them) are poorly worded, and I've quoted two sentences below:
Damienthedevil wrote...
Her eyes belong not that to a human...it was a pain like no other he felt before....
For example, I'd write the first sentence as "Her eyes were not those of a human", and the second one as "it was a pain he had never felt before". These awkward sentences make your writing look unpolished, so I'd suggest proof-reading your work after you write it to catch errors like these. Also, while some of your sentences were worded fine, you might want to improve them by using more specific and meaningful adjectives and verbs.
2) Tense agreement. It's very important that you keep your tenses consistent. You should stick to either past or present tense throughout, depending on whether it's present narration, first-person, third-person etc. Since you are narrating a scene that has happened (in the fictional world), you should be using past tense throughout. This quote below is one example in your writing where you failed to keep tenses consistent:
Damienthedevil wrote...
The girl brought her face close to the young man's neck, so close the breath touched his neck. Then, she suddenly open her mouth and reveal fangs, long fangs, and sink those fangs into the young man.Again, there are quite a few of these and it really hampered your writing.
3) Punctuation. You tend to have way too many strings of dots ("......."), and what it does is confuse the reader in terms of how your prose flows. You can substitute your dot strings with commas or semicolons depending on the nature of the clauses you are separating.
So those are the major errors I spotted from a quick readthrough. I'd also suggest that you add descriptions of how they talk (ie. "Lucia said confidently" or "Keith retorted"). These can really spice up the conversations if done well.
These were just the main things that stood out to me as I skimmed through your writing. I wish you luck on your chapter; I know how difficult it is to overcome writer's block, and it seems like you're doing a good job with that.
Thanks for the comment Raze, appreciate it. I'll work on the punctuations part, i noticed that but i haven't change it yet i'll work on that in chapter 1. I tried to keep everything in past tense but it's harder than i expected but i'll work hard on it.
Thanks again :)
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Nice Story Damien^^
There were typos here and there, nothing that could drastically change your story. But I kinda noticed that... actually, I was wondering... How did Keith end up in that place?
And why didn't Keith at least try to back away when she was approaching him? It kinda looked weird. You never expressed Keith's emotion when she was approaching. Was he paralyzed by her beauty so much that he cannot move? Or maybe something was preventing him from moving, something like her presence or aura.
Ah, maybe you have something else in mind.
But i'm just a reader and you are the author. I can only give comments to stories.
There were typos here and there, nothing that could drastically change your story. But I kinda noticed that... actually, I was wondering... How did Keith end up in that place?
And why didn't Keith at least try to back away when she was approaching him? It kinda looked weird. You never expressed Keith's emotion when she was approaching. Was he paralyzed by her beauty so much that he cannot move? Or maybe something was preventing him from moving, something like her presence or aura.
Ah, maybe you have something else in mind.
But i'm just a reader and you are the author. I can only give comments to stories.
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Uzumaki101 wrote...
Nice Story Damien^^There were typos here and there, nothing that could drastically change your story. But I kinda noticed that... actually, I was wondering... How did Keith end up in that place?
And why didn't Keith at least try to back away when she was approaching him? It kinda looked weird. You never expressed Keith's emotion when she was approaching. Was he paralyzed by her beauty so much that he cannot move? Or maybe something was preventing him from moving, something like her presence or aura.
Ah, maybe you have something else in mind.
But i'm just a reader and you are the author. I can only give comments to stories.
you got the 1st part correct lol... i tried to write it as though he was entranced by her beauty.(glad you noticed it :o ) and keep on commenting ok?
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I like the idea of it but then this is just me speaking but when you do the bouts of Dialogue it's just like reading a script. It shows no emotion, I can't really tell how I'm supposed to view how they are saying it. Other than that, Raze covered most of it. And If this seems a little harsh it's just my opinion but Vampire Stories are how do I put this... over hyped. Especially the Vampire(Master)/Human(Slave) ordeal, I just can't sink my teeth(no pun intended) into it. I do however look forward to more.