Fumikaa wrote...
Bump for great justice!
Razeeeee next chapter, pretty pretty please?
Working on it! I wrote almost a thousand words yesterday (James and Alia's past), but I'm not liking where I had intended to put it, and I need to think more about how to wrap that up so that it completely explains the relationship they have now. It's proving to be quite difficult, and with all the rehearsals coming up and all the schoolwork (and FAKKU work) I'm sad to say that it may be a while until the next one. I had several brainwaves and have the plot planned out for at least 3 more chapters though, and there are some awesome sex scenes, one of which I've already choreographed the beginning of and had Jacob, Mike, and Mattarat read. They all loved it.
viewer012345 wrote...
Awesome ! But what is your goal with the story ? I mean afterwards, when you completed it. Would it become like an actual book or make a Doujinshi serie ? I do love to read and especially doujinshi but I like the fact that I can picture it in my head. Like a book. Or make it like a book and put some fine artwork in it.
Anyway...
I like the storyline and I'm very curious about what's going to happen next. Keep up the nice work, but don't let your schoolwork fall behind because of it :). Take your time.
I actually don't know. I mean, it would be nice if it was turned into a novel or something, but that's expecting too much. For now I'll just keep writing and see what happens. I'm thinking that, after I iron out the bad stuff and get into the actual body of the story, I'll submit it to FanFiction.net so my talent, if I have any, can be recognized. It's all wishful thinking though. XD
I can't draw humans well either (might take a drawing class here if I have a spare slot in my final college year though), so there goes the artwork aspect, unless artists are willing to help me out.
g-money wrote...
I'm a little tired, so sorry if my criticism sounds trite. I thought that the story had a good premise, but the more I read the more it started to detract from what was a perfectly good start to something that might end in a trainwreck... unless that's what you're aiming for, Raze.
I actually have no idea how it's going to end. In fact, I wrote the first two chapters while only having the events of the upcoming Chapter 3 planned out, no further. When I sit down and think about the events of the story, I try to put myself into each character's shoes and think about what I would do if this happened to me. In other words, I'm letting my characters act out the story for me. I'm quite an angst-lover, so most of the drama will indeed center on this.
g-money wrote...
My number one criticism was the fact that the main character became this super perfect student, only to be offsetted with a foul attitude. The way I see it, it doesn't really fit, the two images, nor do I believe that Kyle was given enough character development.
You are very right. I just reread the second half of Chapter 2 and really did not like how Kyle overreacted like that. In fact, I never really liked it, and it was not in what I had originally planned for that chapter. It's because something similar but far more important as a plot device will happen, but Kyle never goes as far as slapping her. I'm thinking of having Kyle while her off so that he can ask Sanae (ie. tell her that he needs some time to think about it), which would be far more in line with his rational personality. However, the reason I'm not jumping into it straight away is that I would practically have to rewrite the entire second half, because I made it look like the world had ended for Alia after Kyle had slapped her. Looking at it now and looking at my notes, I honestly have no idea why I did that and it is obviously over-dramatized.
g-money wrote...
As far as everything else goes, the character development I believe is the real bugger that you should improve on as well as the plot advancement pace. Other than that, the setting was fine, and the details given per scene was great and on par from the erotic stories I've read myself. I also see a School Days/Suzuka formula in this, but I'm hoping it turns out to be something more and less violent than School Days and less indecision and angst than Suzuka. In any case, not bad, and I would like to see more of this down-to-earth kind of story. (One of the better ones I've seen so far on this forum in any case.) I just hope that it doesn't get riddled with anime plot devices and turn out into the aforementioned anime.
About character development and plot advancement, it is important to remember that this is but the tip of the iceberg. I am still very much in the stage of setting up the story up. I like drama and angst, as I said above, and so it's safe to say I have quite a bit in store (or at least, as much as is possible to have in a teenage romance story; it's only after pondering about it for so long that I realized there really is not much to the genre). As for more about Sanae, I had intended (just never really got around to it) to slot in a paragraph about what Sanae's like in school and how others see her. James you will find out a lot more about once I iron out the million problems I'm currently having with it, so that a plot disaster like with the second half of Chapter 2 does not happen again. As for Kyle, I feel that his near-perfection (I say near-perfection because he is subject to the same human flaws as all of us) and actions (ignoring his ridiculous anger rish) should be enough, as well as upcoming events in the story. As a test, do you feel that, minus his sudden outburst and his slapping Alia, you roughly know what kind of person Kyle is at this point in the story? If you still don't, I'd like more feedback on how to improve the story.
I intend to weave a complex love-hate web between Kyle, Sanae, Alia, James, and possibly Ian, though it's proving difficult to throw him in as well. Megan and Christie may also get involved with Ian and James, or, though it is unlikely, Kyle. When I am finally done setting the stage for this story (which probably won't be in at least another chapter or two), I hope that this will become apparent.
I've removed the entire second half of the story from the PDF because I think it's absolutely horrible. If you've read it, I entreat you to forget about everything that happened there and, I apologize for this, wait until I once again have the time to churn this out.
Thanks for all your support guys! I put in a lot of effort into this, and so your comments and encouragement really do mean a lot to me.