[V-Day] With this Paperback Book In Hand

The train cart rattled as the scenery outside the frost-covered windows began its gradual change. From the towering skyscrapers of the city to a endless stretch of untouched grasslands glossed over with snow, I continuously watched the world change outside the window. With my coat as my only shield against the frigid air that was trapped inside the train, I huddled myself into a corner to generate even the slightest bit of warmth. I was the only breathing creature inside this slab of moving metal. Countless advertisements plated the walls of the cart, all advertising an assortment of sweets for that "loved one". Yes, today was Valentine's Day. But I didn't need any of those store-bought presents. I had my own unique gift. Releasing a deep breath, I closed my eyes and drifted off into a world of thought.



A small, insignificant promise was all that was left behind. A promise made back in our adolescent years, where nothing in the world fazed us. Back in that time period, where we were immune to such mature thoughts, only having the most pure and innocent ideas running through our childish minds. With that same mindset, we fooled ourselves into thinking it held such a voluminous meaning. But in the secluded recesses of our brains, we very well knew it held no true meaning. There was no secret to it. These pointless promises that we made held no truth. The two of us? We were just a couple of fakers -- a bunch of hypocrites. Abhorring those dramatized relationships that were broadcasted over the television, we tried our best not to follow their lead. A relationship filled arguments, lying, cheating -- essentially emotionally stabbing each other? No, we did not desire such a thing. But we performed actions that mirrored them in the early stages of our linkage. Publicly claiming we were nothing like those people, yet in secret we still followed what they did. Lying and arguing constantly, the two of us began to chisel away at the block of stone that represented our relations with each other. Instead of forming an awe-inspiring and magnificent sculpture, we roughly broke it down into pure rubble. Exhausted from all of our pharisaical actions, we put an end to it. We placed our so called "loving" relationship to a halt.

But it didn't stop there. The links we forged together could not be broken. In our relationship, the number of events that we both enjoyed balanced out the ones where we fought. In the final year of our middle-school education, we were coupled back together due to our own, individual longing for each other. And thus, we restarted it all, with one single hope in mind.

What we wanted -- what I wanted most of all -- was a pure, innocent love. But my longing for that kind of link was too much. It became forced, where the actions I performed with her was disgustingly fake. What is worse is that she went along with it, despite her being bright enough to realize that the child-like love in our relationship was all just simulated. Though, back then, when our minds were still impervious to reasonable thinking, we just played along. Now, at this point in life, after a lengthy period of time and distance was crafted between us, I can acceptably discern that the so called "innocent" and "pure" love we claimed to have experienced in our middle-school year was just simply a lie. A lie we formulated to protect ourselves from damaging our fragile hearts further. A simple lie that we spent so much time on to carefully create. It was just that. A lie. A failed attempt to obtain something each one of us yearns for.

...But then..If it was a just a lie.. Why am I coming back to fulfill the so called "pointless" promise we made so long ago?





The screeching sound of metallic rails broke my long train of thought. The raspy old voice of the elderly conductor crackled through the speakers overhead. Silver doors cleanly slid apart from each other, opening the gate to a station enveloped by inches and inches of snow.. And just as I took my first step back out into the winter atmosphere, her voice resonated throughout my mind.

"Hey.."

The same scene that I tried so desperately to dispose of began to replay from the cornerstone of my memories.

"Are you listening..?"

It was rolling through my mind at an alarming speed. Snapshots of the memory flickered quickly in a uniformed fashion. The two of us, walking to school. wholeheartedly enjoying each others' company. The two of us, eating and chatting together at lunchtime. The two of us..Laughing and smiling with each other while we discussed some of the most idiotic and pointless subjects ever. The two of us, smiling while we made that empty promise. I quickly canceled out the memory as fast as I could, but it still left its mark on me. I uneasily continued walking through the nearly empty station, with only one destination in mind. With a small little paperback book in hand and a warm pea coat defending me against the winter air, I headed to the place where we created that contract.




A lonely, barren oak tree. A tree, with its ancient branches extending its reach towards us. That tree, stripped bare of the colorful leaves that we were so used to seeing, was firmly implanted into the snow-covered dirt below us. There, underneath that same exact oak tree that overlooked the town where the two of us spent so much of our time in, we forged our promise. And I can easily recall, with explicit detail, just how it came to be.




"How's the story coming along?"
I crossed out a line in my notebook while responding.
"Not so well. I'm quickly losing willpower to even write this thing. "

Pressed against the bark of the tree, I was shuffling through the countless pages with nothing written on them, desperately trying to conjure up possible plots that I actually appreciated. Behind me, my childhood and present day girlfriend, climbing up the large oak tree.

"Don't fall now, I don't want you back in the hospital."

Her cute little giggle reached my ears. Setting aside my notebook, I curiously glanced at what she was doing now. Sitting on a sturdy branch that broadened itself away from the elderly tree, her mahogany eyes gazed outwards. Softly staring outwards at a sky that was painted with various hues of grey, and looking straight at the wide assortment of clouds that were rolling by.

"Oi, just because your body is back to its former glory, doesn't mean you have to climb that old tree."
"Eeeh, don't worry about it."
"Seriously, you might fall off."
"Really, it won't happen."
"No, really. It could happen."
"Do you want it to happen?"

The conversation continued on like this, with both of us firing back statements at one another. Eventually, after we depleted enough words, a blanket of silence engulfed both of us. A pair of two swallows, late for their migration, drove through the cloudy sky overhead. The temperature was steadily dropping, and the breathes that we release becoming clearly visible in the air. Then she, my foolish partner in romance, began a subject I would never forget.

"So, you're moving tomorrow, right?"
I mumbled something along the lines of a yes.
"Haa? What was that?"
My voice cracked a bit before responding.
"Uhm. Yeah."

She let out a yawn, all while putting up a mask of indifference. A few minutes passed by without either one of us saying anything. I resumed plotting ideas in my little notebook, guessing that she had nothing else to say.

"Where are you moving to again? Poland? France?"
"London."
"I see..."

Time was passing by slowly, and it was still early in the afternoon. A long sigh was released from above, and I quickly took a look up.

"I'll miss you, you know?"

My body stiffened a bit upon hearing that statement. I place my notebook down on the snow, and stretched my arms out. I followed what my heart implored me to do, and I began to climb up the tree to join her. She scooted a bit to the left to make some room for me to sit. Without even looking at her, and only staring out into the horizon, I replied to her.

"Yeah..It'll be hard to talk with each other. And all of that long distance relationship stuff seems a bit difficult for both of us, seeing how we're usually busy."

"..And we'll probably won't be able to see each other in person again too."
As I glanced to the side, the expression she wore was nothing near happy. The girl I was coupled with for so long held a downcast mood. I didn't wish for her to be like this..But I was clueless how to remedy it. All I could do was place my arm on her shoulder, hoping that even this pitiful attempt at consolation would eliminate the depressing expression she had.

Finally, after an abnormally large time passed, I grasped some words of comfort and conveyed them to her.

"Well.. My parents said that if I graduate my senior year of high school with straight As, they'll let me travel anywhere in the world for a week."
Her face seemed to brighten up a tad bit when she heard this.
"You'll come here, right?" She said this such an inaudible tone, that it almost seemed like a whisper.
"Of course."

The corners of her soft lips quirked up, forming a wide grin, all while a light shade of pink formed on her face. Abruptly, she leaped off the branch and landed perfectly on the sparkling snow below.

"So that's..Two years from now. "
"Yeah, two years until we'll climb this tree again. "
"Then it's a promise!" She shouted this out loud energetically.
"..What?"

I carefully and steadily climbed down the oak to join her on the ground. She spun around like a child, then faced me with the same smile. Her eyes were locked onto mine, and she started to speak. Started to create that contract. Started to form that promise. Started to forge that oath.

"Us two -- We'll meet here again in two years. Swear, okay?"
I nodded without speaking. My childhood love sheepishly grinned, and with her soft, feminine little hand, she took mine in hers.
"With this, it's a promise."
And with that said, she let go of me. But before she left, she made sure to also make me promise one more thing.
"Before you come back, make sure to also finish your book! And be sure to read it to me! "
She left me on the hill, waving in an idiotic manner as she departed. But that's the girl I loved for so long, and I, myself, waved back with a stupid grin on my face.




I was now climbing up that same exact hill where we made an oath. An oath to meet each other after two years, no matter what condition we are in. An oath to reunite and reassemble a love that I now thought to be unrealistic and foolish. But nevertheless, I continued to trudge up that hill with an unknown force pushing me along. Why was I even here anymore? The promise is pointless now. Both of us went on our own, individual paths, both ultimately leading to a place where each other's existence wasn't a factor anymore. We would never fulfill that promise we made so long ago. It's completely unimportant now..Right?

But then, why? Why did I continue to write my story? Why did I continue to strive for that perfect report card my parents desired? Why did I meet all the requirements to carry out this promise? My wavering thoughts persisted and drilled through my head. My old ideas that represented my uncertainty of my past relations with her are now beginning to be questioned right here, and right now. Do I really want to think that these promises we made were pointless? Is it really true that the kind of relationship we went through wasn't really a true, loving relationship?

I finally reached the top of the snow-covered hill. A hill where a solitary oak tree reigned from. With it's green-less branches swaying here and there in the winter wind, I approached its aging trunk. A chunk of granite lay at its base, partially masked by snow. My hand, fueled by some sort of instinct, started to brush away what covered it. There were a few lines of words printed on them, and I skimmed through them in my mind. This was the center of my hatred. This was the place that encouraged me to think the promise we made back in our early years wasn't important.



The adolescent love that I experienced, it was indeed true. I just didn't want to acknowledge it. It wasn't fake at all. I simply thought it was impressive and "mature" to crumple it up and throw it away as something frivolous and unsophisticated. But it was real, and I truly held such a love dear to my heart. In the process of throwing away my innocence, I attempted to throw away everything that went along with it. I was stupid for doing this. I am the idiotic one.

Just because I depart from my adolescent stage, that doesn't mean I cannot love adolescent things. Because I left behind my old innocence behind, I did something such as this. I convinced myself into thinking the undeniable love we had for each other wasn't real. I labeled it as a lie. And..Now, I feel terrible for doing so. Terrible for eradicating the past memories of each other. Cruel for abhorring something I should of held precious to me, and labeling it as something that it wasn't. Uneasiness rushed in, taking over my body. A feeling of realization of a terrible wrongdoing swelled within.

"I'm sorry."


Those two words came out of my mouth, even though there was no one to say it to. Elongated frozen breathes decorated the air in front of me. Time was once again passing slowly. Then, like a tired old man, I placed myself on the freezing ground below me, sitting right next to her memorial. A chilly winter breeze lashed against my face. I let out a deep breath of air, and watched as it materialized into a fog-like substance. I rubbed my hands together for warmth while I listened to the wind pass through the land. My eyes directed themselves towards the sky. The same two swallows that missed their migration south passed over my head. And a small thought crept into my mind. She wasn't here anymore, and I couldn't apologize to her for this.