[Valentines Contest Entry 2017] acting and knowing

"Well. I guess between yours being dead and mine not caring, our kids won't have any grandparents."

She didn't cry after they settled in the car, but his Stella was slouched over and blank faced.

"Why does it hurt so much to have her live up to my expectations?" she muttered. "I mean, she didn't even notice I... fuck."

Tom sighed, keying the ignition and getting the heat going-- the whole winter had been a set of swings between mild and actual Canadian weather, and right now it was cold and snowy.

"It was like my school trip forms. Don't think she even knew she was giving me permission to marry," she said, staring back at where she and her supposed mother had lived so many years.

He followed her eye It wasn't the worst apartment building, it wasn't the best. It, like her mother, seemed content with doing the bare minimum for its tenants.

"She never let me call her mom. Never called me her daughter," Stella said.

He let her talk. He'd heard it before, but she had to say it every once in awhile.

"She once told me about the day I was born," she said, as they exited Stouffville and headed toward Markham.

This was new. "Oh?" Tom prompted, glancing at her for a brief second. Her eyes were closed, and a bitter smile was on her face.

"Apparently I either came out stillborn or was clinically dead right after I was born."

As he stopped at a set of lights, he took a longer look at her. She was crying now, slowly and quietly. She had all the dignity her mother lacked. She really was a miracle.

"Collette told me she wouldn't let go of the body, despite what the nurses and doctors said. And then my eyes opened and... she tells me the second she met my eyes she knew I wasn't really her daughter."

He forced his grip to slack off on the driver's wheel after that one. He let go with his right hand, reached out and took her left.

"What if I'm like that--" Stella began, her free hand going to her swollen belly.

He squeezed her hand, and gave her a look that must have made the doubt slack off a bit. He didn't say anything.

Inside, he was still reeling over what to say.

It wasn't until they got back to what three months had slowly transformed into their apartment that he knew what to say. Or at least, could say what he needed to.

She was sitting on the couch, and he was making hot chocolate in the kitchen, looking over the breakfast bar to her. Well, he was letting the Tassimo make hot chocolate. He started trying to figure out what to say, then remembered that doing things that way never worked out for him.

He set her mug on the coffee table before her as he sat beside her and took a deep breath.

"The day we met, I had half convinced myself I needed to be a monster."

He knew she was giving him that look-- where are you coming from, Tom, and where are you going-- but he pressed on.

"I had this... obsessive fantasy in my head, Stellar," he admitted with a frown. "I was almost completely convinced that the only girl would stay with a broken freak like me was one I had broken. I even considered doing it to one of the women that had turned me down-- one of the 'meaner' ones that had called me freak, or even one of the ones that got away."

He looked down at his mug of untouched hot chocolate. She was sipping at hers.

"Then I noticed the girl who turned up on the subway between College and Union once a week."

He met her eyes and saw only patient interest.

"I made up all sorts of backgrounds for you-- rich princess experiencing 'real life' at Daddy's direction. Teen prostitute on the one day she wasn't cynically dealing with clients and toying with men... none of them close to the truth."

She actually laughed-- a bitter little chuckle.

"After two months, I made my move. I walked up and started feeling you up, massaging your butt. And contrary to all the ways I thought it would go in my head... you slumped in resignation."

"Don't let it get cold," she chided, so he took a swig of his hot chocolate. "Drum. When you leaned in--"

"And said I wanted to fuck my babies into you?" He shook his head. "It was supposed to be a threat, yes. You dealt with it rather effectively by turning around, hugging me, and asking me if I meant it."

"... certainly felt like you were trying to fuck one into me when you got me here," she said, voice suddenly husky.

"But that just confused me more, Stellar. I was, in my mind, really giving it to you. I was... acting out Reznor and the Blood Hound gang."

"I know Nine Inch Nails--" she began.

"'Doing it like on the Discovery Channel?'" he offered.

"Oh, them."

"Right. I was giving in to every animal urge, and you... after I was done taking you on the floor here, you flipped over, laid your hands on the coffee table, held your rear end up, and begged for more. 'Make sure,' you said. It actually took thinking I should slap you so that you knew you were dealing with a monster before something sensible occurred to me."

"You thought about slapping me?" she asked.

"When you climbed on top in the bedroom and leaned down and kissed me." He looked at her and gave her a rueful smile, which she smirked at. "Only if you ask me to now, dear."

"What stopped you?" she wondered.

"Almost as soon as the voice in my head telling me that I was a freak and monster suggested it, another voice screamed, 'why the hell should I do that! This woman's giving me exactly what I want, and all I have to do is let her give it to me?' So... I kissed you back. And... you know, I expected at one point we'd get gentle--"

"I didn't want gentle," she said, setting her empty mug on the table and leaning her head on his shoulder. "I wanted to be claimed. To claim you, and take what you were offering. The chance to... be wanted."

"I still remember when you put my hands on your breasts-- when we were sitting up, and your back was to me?"

"'These are gonna make milk for the baby,'" she recalled, and damn if she didn't match her impish tone from that night.

"Babies," he corrected.

"I didn't know that then," she shot back.

"I can honestly say I knew I wanted you then... but I didn't start falling in love with you until after. You know."

"When I wet the bed?" she asked, a little sheepishly.

"Plenty of women do after intense sex," he assured her. "You just-- hit your threshold. I looked at you and thought, a monster would leave you there in your own piss. I should at least ask if she's okay. And you wanted a shower or a bath. I helped you up, and we had one."

"I was kind of surprised you didn't press me for more fucking," she admitted. "I was willing to give you more--"

"But that's my point!" he insisted. He drained his mug, then pulled her in his lap. "You gave me.... more than my little monster fantasy would of that night. My fantasy-- how's a girl I've broken supposed to be a mother, a partner, a wife? And all you asked for in return was to be that mother and wife. But you gave me more than I wanted, so... I gave back."

"To repay--" she began.

"No. This wasn't about payment," he said flatly. "You just... gave to me. A girl that I had never met gave me exactly what I wanted and more."

"I was selfish, I wanted something--" she began.

"A selfish woman," he said firmly, "would have done only what she needed to get what she wanted and as little extra as possible. But you just gave, and gave."

"You... followed my example?" she wondered, stroking his chest.

"I guess. I thought maybe if I did that, she'll feel the same way I do right now and won't realize I'm a freak. I kept giving to you, the longer you were around... and I noticed the more I gave, the more it felt natural to give. And then, I thought about Jewels and Auddy."

She gave a surprised little grunt.

"I know," he chuckled. "What have my sister and my niece got to do with it? But Julia told me something that sort of surprised me just after Audrey was born. She was holding her little girl in her arms, and she realized-- she didn't instantly love her."

"...what?"

"The difference between Collette and my sister, I think, is the next thought," Tom pressed on, stroking her read hair and resting his chin on her head. "Collette seems to have thought, 'where's the love, where's the spark? Oh, fuck, this can't be my kid!'"

"... and Jewels...?" Stella asked, a little strained.

"She told me she figured that was normal. She didn't believe in love at first sight, hadn't felt it for Doug from day one, so why should she feel it for this little stranger in her arms?"

"... so she just set about taking care of her like a proper mother," Stella noted, and he could feel her laugh vibrate his chest as much as hear it.

"And she'd get to know the little poop machine just like anyone else. And she found the more she let herself, made herself take care of them, the more she and Doug gave her what she needed without trying to get some reward... the more open they were to knowing her. And you've seen them with her now."

She pulled away a bit and he looked down to see her looking up at him.

"You didn't come to care about me and it grew into love," she said carefully, as if musing on the conclusion even as she said it. "You treated me with care and sort of... gave love a chance to emerge."

"The more I knew you, the easier it was to be close to you. To act caring. And if I was lucky... you'd do the same." He smiled and placed his hand on her tummy. "Six more months, and we get to meet these two little people we've decided to care for."

She leaned back into his embrace, her hand settling on his. "I can't wait to get to know them."

"I imagine the wait's harder on you," he said dryly. "You're doing more of the work to get them here."

She giggled. "Yeah, but you have to put up with me, Tom-tom."

"I'll manage," he assured her.

The opening was confusing. I thought there were two couples in the car.



This sentence wasn't clear on my first read. I thought "She" and Stella were two different people.

I wish there was more elaboration on what makes (or made) Tom think he's a monster. Unless I missed it, you don't really give us anything.

This story doesn't really feel like a romance to me. Not really a complaint, but I think that could hurt your chances when it comes to the judge. This story starts with Stella reflecting on her relationship with her mother because she worried she's pregnant with her own children now, and it ends with them being confident that they'll be able to love them. There's some romance in the middle, but the main conflict seems to be having children and what that'll mean for Stella.

That said, I like the dialogue for the most part and I was able to get into the story after I found my bearings. I suspect "And said I wanted to fuck my babies into you?" might be a divisive line for people. For me, it comes off as comical, and I don't think it's supposed to.

Thank you for your thoughts. If I revise after the contest, know your thoughts are heard.

I am pleased at some of the musings it provoked in you, and your reaction to The Line.

Well, your story is almost entirely driven by dialogue, which in turn means that you have very little narrative that helps to piece together events. I think this style ended up holding back the story.

The beginning was hard to follow. I didn't feel the same way as d, but I couldn't grasp who was in the car to begin with for a bit. And throughout the story, Tom interrupts Stellar, which I just personally think seems very odd. Overall, I believe what you were trying to establish was Stellar's weak character, a character that needed reassurance, and compliment those weaknesses with Tom. I understood that, but at the same time, everything felt like it could be more concise. The interruptions and the breaking of the dialogue seem unnecessary at some parts, which makes the scene seem to drag on.

Lastly, I was wondering what you were trying to focus on. At first I figured the story would build around the mother, or maybe the story would be about Stellar's emotions, but by the end it was a kind of like none of that. Basically, Stellar and Tom talk about sex, then there was an interjection about nieces and sisters which we have not been introduced to before this point, and then they talk about their kid. You know, it almost feels like you had at least several ideas and either didn't have the space, or the time to fine tune and implement all the ideas into the story.

Anyways, good luck in the contest, I'm glad you entered. The story is pretty lewd, even if the characters are just talking about the past. And, I will say, while the language of the dialogue may be rather vulgar at some times, much of it is decent conversation. If not for all the breaking and interruptions, I would say the flow of the dialogue is good actually.

Thanks, xnine. I'll save a deeper response for after judgement and votes are done.

I have made close to 900 posts in this forum, a lot of which I think cannot be accessible now. A lot of these posts centre around complaining about writing styles with my dear friend d(^_^)(^_^)d. This entry does feel what he would come up with and he will tell you how much I take to his writing style. This entry certainly feels more like a TV show or a movie rather than something to be read. You can determine context with images and audio for television shows but a story written like a movie script is not my idea of a pleasant read.

This entry is dialogue heavy and what the plot is driven it seems to me by what was said in the dialogue. I don't take to dialogue and I use it very sparingly in my contributions to this forum. A main reason is because dialogue is not a good way to explain settings and introduce characters. The interlocutors know what is happening already and won't explain to the reader so how can the reader understand what is going on through the dialogue? I was left to guess what was happening as I was sifting through the dialogue.

It feels as if I am missing out a lot. The first part lead me to believe that the entry was about resolving some mother issues then the second part turned to our female lead being intimate with our male lead. I couldn't tell what this entry was trying to convey exactly, much less determining what is the setting, what is the cause of conflict and the buildup and how that conflict was resolved. With that, it is not possible for me to appreciate the entry. I suppose I might make sense of it if I were to reread it again and again but I do not considers books where I have to reread just to figure out what is going on good books.

As I have suggested to d(^_^)(^_^)d many times, why not use third person narration to explain what is going on with her mother instead of describing how the car's engines are revved and how Canada looks like during the winter? Why not use third person narration to supplement the exchanges between Tom and Stella for the reader to make sense of what they were talking about especially the parts on how they met, about Julie, about Doug and so on?

I notice that you used 'he' and 'she' quite a lot without referring to the names of the characters! This can become very confusing if you introduce more characters like Julie and Doug in this instance. I would certainly use proper names, not at very opportunity, but from time to time if I were you.

That said, have you read my entry by any chance? I can already picture how you would react to my entry after reading it.

https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/valentines-contest-entry-2017-new-brave-world-an-appendix

Thanks, Leo.