[Valentines Contest Non-Entry 2017] The Crimson Lady

Let it play out in your mind. I dare you.

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Her silhouette was carved upon the visage of the man, quivering and scribbling, as the melody of the sonata filled the hall of vibrant gold. It was a piece filled with lamentation. His eyes were affixed upon her—and she, the canvas.

As if frozen by the halting of time—he was unmoving for his dearest artist.

It was very much prevalent for the Victorian ladies of higher society to be able artists of their time—as was the Crimson Lady.

The brush dabbled.

The pigments were embedded.

The figure of the man was evoked—from her cheery heart, to her delicate fingers, to the innocent white canvas.

The piano’s calm yet livening tone introduced its scherzo. Her lips stretched wide to form a jovial smile as an interlude followed. The rich dress, glittering under the gold radiance of the bulbs, fluttered—the vivacious lady danced to the tune with unyielding merriment. Round and round did she go as she descended into her silly solo waltz; undoubtedly, her partner was of the imaginary kind.

In this hall where the music boomed, her spectators were the myriad of portraits and the seated lone man—the true subject of her admiration.

The birth of this masterpiece couldn’t be any sweeter. A celebration was expected. How she wished this moment could last an eternity. A tinge of sorrow visited her heart thus, for every happenstance had a start and an end. Such was the nature of events. The imminence of the occurrence was long accepted, yet her mourning did not cease.

He knew how enamoured she was with him up to his latest breath, yet he remained unmoving.

The symphony of the piano summoned forth a storm of arpeggios.

The brush’s whiskers were squashed against its liquid source, eliciting a dry slosh.

The paint’s rich fragrance danced with her—invigorating her.

Her seemingly fragile fingers danced with reckless abandon, marring the canvas with a vivid colour that was shared by her glistening, scarlet dress. All that remained for her to place were the final touches: the cherry-topping for her most fascinating piece. Thus, the edge of the knife clawed against his neck. Her stock of paint was restored, and with enchanting effervescence she basked in the warmth of his essence.

Indeed, the man was unmoving—halted forevermore by his beloved.

The Moonlight Sonata sank to its most dramatic minute.

With fervor unbound, the fleeting touches were placed upon the canvas. Her beloved was bound and immortalized with the beautifully weaved deep crimson. She marveled mirthfully at her bittersweet work.

Even a murderess had her personal virtues, however contorted they were to the societies of man.

The pompous lady turned to him—her glass-like fragile figure now torpid.

“You are forever mine—I am forever thine. Most faithful I am—to you.”

The words flowed like fine wine, resolving yet another transient tryst.

Indeed, it was wont to the Crimson Lady, as if taking a solitary walk in Hyde Park. Such was the enigmatic nature of his lover.

It's pretty magnificent. I appreciate how it turned into a yandere murder, despite the subtleness of its approach.

The piece itself contains great vocabulary that has become ever-more present in the works that you've submitted over the years. For me, this gives off a breath of fresh air and good writing that I really appreciate. I mean that in the best sense, since I can read what you've written and it sounds to me as elegant and musical as the thematic vocabulary you use to garnish it.

So, well done, even if the yandere murder came about for little reason other than just to showcase how insane the Crimson Lady was, despite her supposed prim and proper demeanor.

Although short, I really enjoyed this one; was pretty straightforward. Granted that I love your writing style anyways, this'll sound biased. I legit found myself gasping at the stories climax.

Yeah, that's about it. I couldn't find any mistakes, but that's on account to my shitty eyesight and sense of judgement.

But yeah, cheers Rice.

Already told you most of my thoughts on discord, but I'll summarize here.

I think the chuuni/grandeur/flowery language is a little overdone, and requires the reader to struggle a little to paint the picture in their mind. Everything in moderation: a little is good but too much is overkill.

If you simplified some of the language/syntax, it would be a lot less convoluted to read, and the words might actually have their intended effect (to flow like a musical piece). As of now, they sorta halt in my head like a traffic jam as I struggle to pick apart the meaning of each word and its purpose in the sentence.

But when done properly, very high potential. The vocab is there, just needa learn when to take out the big guns and when to go minimalistic.

This paragraph confused me. Does she stop painting for a moment to dance?

Also, knowing the twist at the end, who's playing the piano? It's not the Crimson Lady and it's not her dead lover, so does that mean there's someone else in the room?



I feel like that sentence could be deleted. Doesn't seem to add anything.



This sentence is very much you, the author, stepping in and telling us this. I think it would be better if you found a less intrusive way to get this information across.

I agree with Yanker. I think you overdo it with the language. I'd say try experimenting with toning it down and see how that works out.



Is it that a reference to Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde?

I think calling her the Crimson Lady and naming this the Crimson Lady is smart. It sounds like the name for a killer, which she turns out to be.

Thanks Xenon, and Ez.



I just wanted to say that you were probably experiencing the worst traffic jam when reading this because of your tiredness. I don't think anyone else assumed the man was the artist in the scene.



Yeah, 'cause music. Also, she's a jolly weirdo, and the wordings tries to put it out there, like the usage of jovial.



Phonograph.



I don't know, it's kinda part of the flow of the entire piece. Also, not all works' every sentences necessarily add significantly new details.



Yeah. I wanted to play subtle like usual but I was thinking it'd fly by everyone's head if I did that.



I know.

Oh, and did you know it's the toned down version that you just read?



It'd be interesting if it was.

Thanks for reading!

I'll tell you upfront that I'm quite the sucker for concise works. It takes a lot of skill and a lot of conscious effort to write a short piece well. These kinds of works take time and a lot of editing, and I appreciate that a lot. With that said, I think your story is excellent.

One thing I noticed, that d also mentioned, is one of the early lines:



I'll be bold and say that it's probably the worst line in the entry, and with how little you've written, every line counts. For one, the line seems like unnecessary background information. You could cut it out and nothing would change to me, but that's not the sentence's only problem. It breaks the pace of the story as it interrupts the tense sequence of events. Without this line, the 'introduction' flows more smoothly, the pace picks up, and the reader is more inclined to be forcibly immersed into the situation.

It's pretty hard to give any concrete critique outside of that line though. Overall, I thought the work was well-written. I think the flowery language adds to the piece. It helps develop the Crimson Lady by setting up a rhythm and expectation within the piece itself. The Crimson Lady is flamboyant and passionate, just like the writing itself.

Also, I'd like to take a moment to point out a few things.



Great usage of juxtaposition and oxymorons are found throughout the piece.



As well as great metaphors.

When used right, techniques like these can bring forth great depth and meaning to a work, and I value them highly. So, I just want you to know that I see em. You're work hasn't gone unnoticed.

Thanks.



Not necessarily, no. That line is the main line that sets the setting of the 19th century and a reader who is familiar with its culture can easily understand a lot of details in this piece. It also sheds light into her upbringing as it tells you that she is of nobility; Victorian women were raised with sewing, painting and classical music, two of which plays a heavy role as you have read.

Oh yeah, and the other line that references the setting was Hyde Park, which is located in London.



I must say, you're one of the readers who doesn't fail to notice these details. Most of those that you pointed out weren't really intended to be juxtapositions or oxymoron, they just happened while I was in the zone, but I only noticed after you did now, hah.

But yeah, thanks a lot for posting!