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[Valentines Day Event 2014] The Forsaken Knight

2
Second_Prototype
10 years ago
Here's my entry to the Valentines Writing event. I think it fits the requirements for love and fairy tales. Can you say "Giant Obvious Allegory"?

The Forsaken Knight

Spoiler:


Somewhere in a dark part of the world where men fear to tread a small campfire flicked in the night. By the campfire sat a knight, his sword planted in the dirt, his once shining armour stained with flecks of filth and rust. His face was unreadable, hidden behind the cold steel visor of his helm.

“What have we here?”

The Knight’s helm tilted upward to gaze upon an interloper: a figure in tattered robes who stood on the periphery of the fire’s light.

“This place, it is a place for cursed things, for dead things. I am surprised to find a man, a knight no less so casually making camp here.”

The knight stared at the figure for a few seconds. Eventually he returned his gaze to the fire and spoke. Within his helm his voice sounded distant and hollow.

“I know what this place is for. I am a cursed man and I have come here to die.”

The statement seemed to excite the stranger for he drew closer, something akin to a smile flashed beneath his cowl.

“Oh? Pray tell what manner of curse do you bear? It must be grave indeed to drive a noble knight to ruin.”

The Knight looked up at the stranger.

“If you would hear my story then sit for a while.”

The Stranger eagerly hurried to sit and the Knight turned to look at the fire once more.

“Do you know of the legend of the Dream Pixie?”
“The fairest of all the fairys who dwells in the heart of the twisted forest? A woman who’s feminine aura soothes all troubles and brings unearthly joy to all who lie with her?”
“The same.”
“Pah! Such a creature exists only in the minds of desperate men whose souls are sick with melancholy. Unhappy with your lot? Well if you can brave the forest and plough the Pixie then all of your worries will melt away! Such rubbish!”
“She is real, I have gazed upon her beauty and been undone by it.”
“Oh you have, have you?”
“I undertook a quest to win the Pixie’s hand. I cut my way through the twisted forest, felling beast and bough alike. At my side was my faithful companion: Cameron the Arbalest. Without his assistance I would have surely perished in that forest. When I came upon the Pixie’s grove at the heart of the forest I bade Cameron to stay back and await my return. I saw her dancing among the trees, and her beauty was beyond stunning, the fairest maidens in the King’s court would seem plain beside her. My body and soul ached for her touch, yet she would not even look at me. I must have chased her round the grove for hours but I could not catch her. I entreated her with poems declaring my love until my voice was hoarse, still she would not come to me.”

The Stranger chuckled unsympathetically.

“Oh such a cruel fate Sir Knight, to fight so hard only to be denied your prize.”

If the Knight was insulted by this he gave no sign.

“Eventually I collapsed from exhaustion. Luckily Cameron came looking for me, as he tried to revive me the Pixie came forward seemingly intrigued by him. She followed us as we left the grove and when we made camp she approached us. Once Cameron persuaded her to sit by the fire they couldn't stop talking. To me she would say only a few terse words.”

When we returned to the town the people threw a huge feast in my honour; the Duke toasted me for my bravery and I was awarded titles and treasure. Everybody looked upon the Pixie in awe, yet she only had eyes for Cameron. Despite all the praise being heaped upon me my mood was sour.”

“You were truly a fool. Instead of pining for the Pixie you could have bought a thousand whores to sate your lust. Other men would have cried tears of happiness to have what you received that day.” Sneered the Stranger.

Again the Knight seemed to ignore this.

“Cameron and the Pixie grew closer by the day. He knew how badly I wanted her so he tried to keep their interactions discrete, but he himself could not resist her charms and I could not fail to notice their blossoming romance. Resentment took root in my heart like a weed and try as I might I could not root it out. I threw myself into any task I could find yet no matter what I did I could not rid myself of my longings.”

Here the Knight paused for a moment and when he spoke again his voice waivered.

“Cameron and I grew distant. He tried to console me, to reason with me but I had built up such bitterness towards him that I could not bear to be near him, he was no longer my friend but the man who had stolen all happiness from my life. Then one day he came to me and told me that he was marrying the Pixie, that they were both madly in love and that all he wanted was for his old friend to share in their happiness. Something inside me broke. I… was beyond anguish and sorrow.”

The Stranger had risen from his seat and now leaned forward intently.
“What did you do?”
“I…”
“Yes?”
“I drew my blade…”
“Go on…”
“and…I”
“Finish your confession.”
“I cut him down where he stood.”

The Stranger began to laugh. It started as a cruel chuckle and grew into an insane cackle. In front of him the Knight hung his head in shame.

“And in that act of murder did you finally find release!? Tell me did you even gain a smidge of satisfaction from slaying your friend?”

The Stranger was capering wildly around the campfire now. As he did so his form began to change. Clawed limbs extended from beneath the robes and yellow eyes glowed from beneath the cowl. The Knight watched all of this unfold seemingly without concern.

“Oh what tragedy! The betrayal! The Obsession! You truly are pathetic Sir Knight. Your tortured heart will taste exquisite!” crowed the Stranger.

Suddenly he was in front of the Knight gleefully plunged his hand into the Knight’s chest, the claws easily puncturing metal and flesh. The Stranger heaved the Knight to his feet and twisted his fist causing the Knight to groan in pain. Suddenly the Stanger’s grin faded to be replaced by a look of confusion.

“What is this!? Where is your heart!?”

The Knight, slowly looked up.

“It has been given to those I love."

“You lie! You love no one but yourself! You slew your brethren for the sake of a wench! You are a traitor of the worst kind made all the lower for once bearing the title of knight! Now tell me where your heart is! I will not be denied my meal!”

Though the Stranger could not see it he felt sure that the Knight was smiling at him from behind the visor.

“Did you know that there exists powerful magic that can bring back the dead? The spell will restore a person to life but requires sacrifice, namely a human heart. When I realised the magnitude of my crimes I knew what had to be done.”

“Impossible, your tale reveals you to be a selfish fool! How could you bring yourself to choose this cursed twilight existence while your friend enjoys the woman you so covet!?”

The Knight reached down, grabbed his sword and sliced the Stranger’s arm off in one smooth motion. With his other hand he pulled back his visor to reveal a decayed face. Burning red orbs stared out from empty sockets and a lipless mouth revealed yellowing teeth. The Knight’s voice previously small took on a deeper more sinister tone.

“I still resent Cameron but it was not his fault. He had been nothing but a loyal friend to me. Even now I still love the Pixie and seeing her grieve was even harder to bear than seeing her in the arms of another. Only in the shadow of my guilt could I see this.”

The Knight’s blade flashed and the Stranger staggered backwards clutching a deep gash across his abdomen. Before him the Knight raised his blade high, exposing the ragged hole in his chest without a heart.

“So you see I am like you now; a cursed thing exiled to this place to wallow in my anguish until my bones turn to dust. And until that day comes I will quench my pain in your blood, fiend!”


1,442 words, short and bitter.

Edit: Eheheh... whoops I just edited the entry a bit to correct some minor grammatical discrepancies.
1
Xenon FAKKU Writer
10 years ago
Ah, a magnificent returning submission, Prototype. It has been a while, I've been wondering what you were up to.

I think you've gotten much better since I've last read your works. This piece, even if you feel simple, is quaint, humble, and mysterious. Even if done with the aura of the Dark Souls universe to guide it, it still is a wonderful quick read.

You should be proud of it, well done.
0
Second_Prototype
10 years ago
Hey thanks Xenon, that means a lot to me.

For a while I was actually afraid my writing was getting worse. My previous summer entry wasn't as good my 2012 winter entry and I just couldn't seem to write anything for the 2013 winter contest.

I AM proud of this piece if only because it's the first thing that seemed to flow naturally from my mind in a long while. (Although on a fundamental level, once you dig down it's a story that many people have heard before.)

And yes... the tone of the story is heavily reminiscent of a certain dark and brutally hard video game, hopefully not to the point of breaking the no fanfic rule. Speaking of which what happened to the image I posted at the beginning of the topic?
2
d(^_^)(^_^)d
10 years ago
I would have liked some piece of information that foreshadows the Knight's condition before the Stranger tries to rip his heart out. And there's this block:

Spoiler:

“Do you know of the legend of the Dream Pixie?”
“The fairest of all the fairys who dwells in the heart of the twisted forest? A woman who’s feminine aura soothes all troubles and brings unearthly joy to all who lie with her?”
“The same.”
“Pah! Such a creature exists only in the minds of desperate men whose souls are sick with melancholy. Unhappy with your lot? Well if you can brave the forest and plough the Pixie then all of your worries will melt away! Such rubbish!”
“She is real, I have gazed upon her beauty and been undone by it.”
“Oh you have, have you?”
“I undertook a quest to win the Pixie’s hand. I cut my way through the twisted forest, felling beast and bough alike. At my side was my faithful companion: Cameron the Arbalest. Without his assistance I would have surely perished in that forest. When I came upon the Pixie’s grove at the heart of the forest I bade Cameron to stay back and await my return. I saw her dancing among the trees, and her beauty was beyond stunning, the fairest maidens in the King’s court would seem plain beside her. My body and soul ached for her touch, yet she would not even look at me. I must have chased her round the grove for hours but I could not catch her. I entreated her with poems declaring my love until my voice was hoarse, still she would not come to me.”


I don't understand why that's all together with no line breaks. But besides those two things, I can think of a single other thing I don't like about it though if I really wanted to get picky, this one feels a bit cliche:

This place, it is a place for cursed things, for dead things.


As to the potential question of whether or not this would be considered a fan-fic, I've never played Dark Souls before, and I understood everything perfectly. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'd say that's a good sign that this story doesn't lean too heavily on it.

I think this is the first time I've read your writing besides a couple of entries in--dare I speak it's name? Yes I do!--The Boring Boy.

Speaking of which what happened to the image I posted at the beginning of the topic?


Pictures disappear when you edit the opening post, and there's no way I know of to put them back.
1
Second_Prototype
10 years ago
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
I would have liked some piece of information that foreshadows the Knight's condition before the Stranger tries to rip his heart out. And there's this block:


“Do you know of the legend of the Dream Pixie...


I don't understand why that's all together with no line breaks.


Yeah about that. Writing big chunks of dialog kinda throws me for a loop. Normally dialog goes like this right?

"I'm talking."
"No I'm talking."
"No I'm talking."
"STFU!"
"No U!"

But for that particular section both characters were talking and the Knight was also saying large paragraph sized pieces of dialog so I wasn't so sure how to handle that.

I managed to avoid it in the rest of the piece by making the characters do stuff in-between large lines of dialog.

Also the Knight straight up says he's cursed right at the beginning. Now I did intend this to be ambiguous. I wanted the reader to wonder whether the Knight was just being dramatic or if he literally is cursed. But maybe that wasn't enough for you, and I can see how the whole:

"LOL! You sux Ima rip your heart out now!"
"Actually Ima zombeh with no heart so GTFO!"

Plot twist was a bit jarring and could have been handled with more finesse but I felt any more foreshadowing than what's already in the story will just give everything away too early. Still, it's something to think about.

d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
But besides those two things, I can think of a single other thing I don't like about it though if I really wanted to get picky, this one feels a bit cliche:

This place, it is a place for cursed things, for dead things.




Yeah I guess I was being overly indulgent with that line, but it was kinda important for setting the stage.
1
d(^_^)(^_^)d
10 years ago
But for that particular section both characters were talking and the Knight was also saying large paragraph sized pieces of dialog so I wasn't so sure how to handle that.


In keeping with the format, put in line breaks when the speaker switches. That's what I would I do.

Also the Knight straight up says he's cursed right at the beginning. Now I did intend this to be ambiguous. I wanted the reader to wonder whether the Knight was just being dramatic or if he literally is cursed.


I kinda just read over that part without putting to much thought into it, but it makes senses now that I think about it.
0
Xenon FAKKU Writer
10 years ago
Second_Prototype wrote...
Normally dialog goes like this right?

"I'm talking."
"No I'm talking."
"No I'm talking."
"STFU!"
"No U!"


Normally, there would be no breaks and they would just be indented, but you cannot indent in this forum, so we make up for that by adding line breaks. It would turn to this:

Spoiler:
"I'm talking."

"No I'm talking."

"No I'm talking."

"STFU!"

"No U!"


Second_Prototype wrote...
But for that particular section both characters were talking and the Knight was also saying large paragraph sized pieces of dialog so I wasn't so sure how to handle that.


I felt you handled that rather well, actually.

Second_Prototype wrote...
I managed to avoid it in the rest of the piece by making the characters do stuff in-between large lines of dialog.


They should always be doing that, in my opinion. It's just my opinion, but I don't think dialogue by itself conveys enough about the situation. It's nice to have a little back-and-forth like you did later when the knight confessed to cutting down his friend, but remember that they say most communication is not verbal.

Second_Prototype wrote...
I wanted the reader to wonder whether the Knight was just being dramatic or if he literally is cursed.


I did honestly wonder this, and I caught his earlier mention, but that may be because of my style of reading, that I leave no word unchecked. So, your efforts were not for naught.

d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
But besides those two things, I can think of a single other thing I don't like about it though if I really wanted to get picky, this one feels a bit cliche:

This place, it is a place for cursed things, for dead things.


I do not find that line cliche at all. I actually find it rather poetic, as I can imagine it being spoken clearly with dread in the voice of the knight.
1
Second_Prototype
10 years ago
Well thanks for answering the question about formatting.

Xenon wrote...


It's nice to have a little back-and-forth like you did later when the knight confessed to cutting down his friend, but remember that they say most communication is not verbal.


I agree and I do subscribe to the "show don't tell" paradigm of writing but this story is really about the Knight just telling you everything. When I think about it the Stranger is only there to stop everything from becoming one giant monologue.

Normally I try to avoid having a character say too much in one go. If I wanted to refine this story I'd actually segue the's Knight's exposition dialogue into flashback sequences but then the story would become much, much longer.

Xenon wrote...


This place, it is a place for cursed things, for dead things.


I do not find that line cliche at all. I actually find it rather poetic, as I can imagine it being spoken clearly with dread in the voice of the knight.


That line is actually said by the Stranger, and it is one of my three favourite lines in story- dammit I told myself I'd cut back on the masturbation this week.
0
Xenon FAKKU Writer
10 years ago
Second_Prototype wrote...
That line is actually said by the Stranger, and it is one of my three favourite lines in story- dammit I told myself I'd cut back on the masturbation this week.


Ah, yes. My mistake. Seeing it quoted out of context confused me—wait, what does that have to do with anything?
0
Second_Prototype
10 years ago
Xenon wrote...

Ah, yes. My mistake. Seeing it quoted out of context confused me—wait, what does that have to do with anything?


I've been patting myself on the back waay too much over this work. I need to stop that and get down to writing more, or at least working on one of my many other personal projects.
0
leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer
10 years ago
Thank you for the entry. I skimmed through it and found it a pleasant read. Definitely addressed my pet peeves of proper introducing the characters.

Man relates his story to a stranger about killing his friend over a pixie. It does leave me a few questions though, chief of them is what the stranger was and why did he attack him and mock him. What was the stranger?

That said, you implied that the story is allegorical. May I know what it is?
0
Second_Prototype
10 years ago
leonard267 wrote...

Man relates his story to a stranger about killing his friend over a pixie. It does leave me a few questions though, chief of them is what the stranger was and why did he attack him and mock him. What was the stranger?

That said, you implied that the story is allegorical. May I know what it is?


Thanks for the feedback. I shall send you a PM shortly explaining everything.
1
high_time
10 years ago
well although it has a dark tone to it, to me it does sound more like a heart-warming tale rather than a bitter one. I like how the story develops from the start to finish with this amount of words.

even though I kind of felt sorry for the knight because of his unrequited love, in the end I am happy for him. it appears that he finally found his salvation, even after being cursed. I don't know how or why but I just got that feeling.
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