waiting.

[align=left]sometimes i feel as if i'm on the verge of remembering something - some far away place, a dear person, times that i think i dream about but wake up trying to grasp at the thin threads of memories that may not even be real. scents are what hold memories for me, mostly. and always, during these - these 'dreams', or even while i'm awake, these 'almost memories' - i swear i can smell the ocean. the salty breeze of promises whispered ages ago, tropical fruit and sand between interlaced fingers. i can almost hear the pattering of feet on the boardwalk, laughter i can't quite recognize, and the unmistakable feel of joy - such a pure feeling i haven't felt in so long, can't quite wrap my fingers around.

and i feel them next to me, this person missing from my mind - maybe this life? - everytime i stare at the stars surrounded by grass, every time i say hello to a stranger, every time i feel like plummeting myself into some body of water and seeing if it feels like the sky, if i can breathe water like stardust, air, and dreams. i know that this person loves me, i can feel it intensely, and i've only been this sure of very few things in my life.

i faintly remember sighs harmonizing, playing acoustic guitar to some melody i find myself humming without knowing what it is, a voice i recognize as my own softly singing words. it haunts me, this song, i hear it pounding in my ears before i fall asleep, but i can't ever find the words to sing along, even as they resonate in my head, and i can see my hands strumming the chords like it was the only thing i'd ever known.

i can barely make out the lines and curves of a face close to mine, trying to harmonize with my voice. they smile, and shake their head, and all that comes into my head is 'their eyes are brown...'
i can't help but wonder, is this what i keep waiting for? i know i'm waiting.. i've always been waiting. i'm not sure what for, but i know that i feel like i've always been waiting, hoping, and dreaming of this person, or maybe this time.

i've always believed in reaching out and grabbing my dreams myself, but for some reason, for whatever this is.. i wait, and i wait, and i'm still waiting, and i think i'll always be waiting, until the day i die.
my memory's been fuzzy, i forget a lot, honestly. but i don't think i've ever forgotten a person that was important to me - especially not one that seems to affect me as much as this one. maybe it's a different dimension.. a different life.. a different world.. haha, i'm mad, aren't i?

i can faintly remember myself differently - a me with stars in her eyes and long, long hair, dreams and ideas and love overflowing onto the ground beneath her bare feet, laughter bubbling out of her lungs and purple bruises covering her shoulders, her wrists, her neck - and then i cry, because i miss her, bruises and burns and all.

a castle, colourless and dead, in it living a princess, all starry-eyes and laughter and bruises. but she wasn't a princess, not really. she was more of a nothing that sang songs while sitting on the edge of her window, legs danging out and kicking, her arms grasping the edges tightly. she was a nothing that covered her dark black room in art and handprints and letters addressed to no one, trying to recall memories she may have never had.

trapped in a castle that doesn't exist, in a too-black room only coloured by her feelings on the walls, of memories she wanted to be a part of, of memories barely-there but somewhere inside of her. she's the person who is always there, watching with a kind smile from the background. but you never really notice her. she never really had a place to call her own, except a non-existent ebony castle littered with wishes and what-if's and how's.[/h]