[Winter Contest Entry 2012] Fragile Dreams
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The world seemed far away as the flickering of Christmas lights filled his vision, other than the sound of crunching snow everything seemed still for one moment.
His eyes focused on the darkened sky, snow gently landing on his face as he felt the cold snow on his back.
His entire body was freezing except for his neck which had a long white scarf wrapped around it, currently stained red with his own blood.
His vision was blurred and it took him a moment to realize where he was, seeing a dark figure stand over him brought him back to reality.
“Ah…you again,” he managed to mutter weakly. “This is the fifth time right…”
The dark figure nodded at him before pointing something at his skull; once he vision adjusted he noticed a black handgun inches away from his face. It was his own gun, given to him by his friend Sam who was lying in a pool of his own blood a few feet away from him.
“Who...are you anyway…why do you keep stopping me…”
He noticed the figure’s mouth move as they leaned forward into the light, a woman with long pink hair and blue eyes stared down at him.
He could never recognize her voice but he was able to make out the words.
“Mo…moka….I see…I’ll remember that. I’m Kaji...I’ll see you…. in the next cycle.”
Momoka nodded before pulling the trigger.
Kaji and Sam walked side by side down the bustling streets; Sam commented he looked pale and his short black hair was messy since he had just woken up, his bangs stopping just above his eyes.
He had amber eyes and reaching up he rubbed his chin which Sam had noted wasn’t strong and broad like his own.
Sam made jokes telling him he should tan a bit to regain some of color in his face.
“You’re like a sick ghost man,” Sam said resting a shotgun on his shoulder.
Kaji held his handgun in his right hand at his side deciding not to respond to him.
The people around them didn’t pay them any mind, and Sam walked through a middle aged man walking down the same street.
“So how many times is this again?” Sam asked breaking the silence between them once more. “It’s the…566th time right?”
“1,025th time Sam,” Kaji answered pulling his scarf up as the wind blew.
“Seriously, guessed I missed a few…no idea how though.”
“You didn’t have to come along Sam, I can go on my own,” Kaji said but received a punch in the arm afterwards.
“What are you talking about Kaji, I know I’m not real or whatever but I’m still your friend.”
Kaji stared at Sam as he turned his attention forward again, he didn’t say it but he appreciated that Sam was willing to do this for him, regardless of how real he was.
“Besides if I die I’ll just be reborn right along side you. I can’t leave you to do it alone.”
Kaji nodded and turned his attention forward before the streetlamps shut off; the people in the city seemed unaware of it and their bodies became transparent until they faded away leaving nothing but empty streets.
Red feathers fell from the sky and Sam sighed before removing his shotgun form his shoulder.
“Angel of death is here,” he said pumping it.
“Please don’t call her that,” Kaji said turning the safety off his gun as they noticed a figure approach them in the distance.
Kaji felt his body tense as the figure came into view revealing it was Momoka, he noted her hair was up in twin tails this time and as always she stopped exactly a block away from them.
“Let’s see if she’s still got it,” Sam said pumping his gun and shooting it at Momoka.
With barely any movement she raised her hand and caught what bullets would have hit her between her fingers.
Closing them into her hand she flicked one back at Sam which grazed his cheek causing it to bleed.
“Yep guns are useless just like last time,” Sam said wiping his cheek. “I thought she wouldn’t be as strong this time.”
“What made you think she wouldn’t be?” Kaji said pulling the bolt back. “She’s killed us 1,025 times. I think after the first she’d become a problem.”
“Well I agree with you there but this world just a dream right, she could be less of a threat at one point. I mean I’m pretty sure someone could turn on easy mode or something.”
Sam tightened his grip on his shotgun before he spoke keeping his focus on Momoka.
“Same deal as before, I’m bait so run and don’t look back.”
“I never like it when you say that,” Kaji mumbled. “Don’t forget she’s immortal.”
“That’s pretty hard to forget; still you want to reach her right? She’s the only one in the way.”
Momoka leaned forward before she sprinted forward keeping her body low.
“Here we go get moving!” Sam yelled. “Can’t let you die or we’ll reset again!”
Kaji took a step back hesitating for a moment but turned and ran into the nearby alley.
Sam grinned as tossed his shotgun aside and moved his hands behind his back; he pulled the pin on a grenade.
“You’d better make it this time Kaji or I’m beating you awake next time.”
Kaji kept running but felt a pain pierce his heart as he heard the explosion behind him.
“Sam….”
Kaji ran down the street as fast as his feet could carry him, he approached a large worn out bridge in the distance and tried to steady his rapidly beating heart.
“I have to reach her before Momoka recovers, ignore the pain and keep moving,” Kaji mumbled to himself.
This world wasn’t real, Momoka wasn’t real, the buildings, people, lights and decorations none of them truly existed. They were fabrications of the only two living people that lived in this fake reality.
Kaji gripped the scarf around his neck as he stepped onto the bridge; Kaji came to realize this as he was reborn in this world on the same day as the incident.
Last year on Christmas eve he confessed his feelings for his friend on the only bridge in the city. It took all his courage just to say it and he almost screamed it but he did it.
To his surprise instead of responding she gave him this scarf and with a quiet voice told him.
“Meet me here in one year.”
One year later he came to the bridge to find her leaning against the railing, the joy he felt was indescribable at seeing her again, but before he could get too close to her she shot him.
When he woke up he was in this world, and the only person that seemed aware of him was Sam and Momoka who for some reason kept stopping him from reaching the bridge.
Honestly he wasn’t even sure she was at the bridge, but the scarf around his neck was real so he believed she would be there.
“Rena.”
Kaji stopped a few feet from a young woman leaning against the bridges railing, her long brown hair hanging loosely to the bottom of her back with some of it draped over her small shoulders.
She turned her eyes towards him causing his heart to skip as her light brown eyes met his.
He didn’t have much time to be absorbed in her beauty as the moon reflected off her milky skin before her slim fingers reached behind her
Kaji took a step forward raised his gun as Rena trained a revolver on him, the guns were almost touches the faces of their targets but Kaji kept his gaze locked on Rena.
“Why are you here?” Rena asked her eyes narrowing at him.
“I said I would meet you here, so here I am,” Kaji responded keeping his composure as best he could.
She remained silent obviously dissatisfied with the answer he had given.
Kaji shoulders slumped and shaking his head he tossed his gun over the side of the railing, the gun making a splash into the water below.
“I can’t shoot you Rena, I never intended on it in the first place.”
Rena eyes seemed to twitch for a moment but she still kept her gun pointed at him.
“You’re here to destroy this world aren’t you?”
Kaji didn’t respond but that had been part of his intention so he nodded his head.
“I won’t…let you end this…” Rena said as her eyes started to water. “You can’t end it anyway.”
“Why am I here anyway Rena? I’m not sure if I’m dead or how much time has passed but this place seems…distant from what should be real.”
“I made this place; here I didn’t have to worry about anything. I didn’t have to worry about what I’d done….I could just watch the snow fall without worrying about anything.”
“This place isn’t real though,” Kaji said.
“It is real!” Rena screamed this as tears fell from her eyes. “I hate how real it is…even you’re here….”
Kaji remained silent as Rena’s sobs filled the night sky and echoed in the empty world the two of them shared.
“Why are you here Kaji? I never wanted you to be here.”
Kaji smiled a bit at this and rubbed the back of his head.
“You still waited for me though,” Kaji said.
Rena’s eyes widened and Kaji chuckled a little.
“Well I suppose there’s not much else to do around here is there? Since we don’t exist to the people here we can’t really do anything else but find each other.”
Kaji reached up and gripped the scarf around his neck, it was Rena’s so he was sure she recognized it.
“The scarf you gave me proved you was here, I kept it as clean as possible since I wanted to return it to you.”
Rena reached up with her other arm and wiped her eyes for a moment before she lowered her arm.
“Aren’t you angry at me? I shot at you, sent Momoka after you, I even trapped you here. Why aren’t you mad at me?”
“Well I’ll admit I wasn’t happy but I don’t hate you for it,” Kaji said shrugging. “I mean even after all of that you’re here aren’t you? I don’t think it’s to shoot me again since you’ve had plenty of time to pull the trigger.”
Rena glanced over at the gun but didn’t lower it speaking to him.
“You can act like that because you know you’ll be reborn again.”
“I suppose you have a point, when death isn’t a problem it’s hard to fear the things that causes it.”
Kaji shrugged but snapped his fingers as he remembered the other reason he came here.
“Oh yeah I almost forgot, you never did answer me,” he asked.
Rena’s body seemed to twitch at the question but Kaji shoved his hands into his pockets waiting for an answer.
“I…can’t answer it,” Rena said.
“You want to think about it for a bit more?” he questioned.
“It’s not that…I know the answer…but…I’m afraid of what I’ll lose if I tell you.”
“…sorry I don’t fully understand but do you love me or not?”
“I just told you can’t answer it…I don’t hate you…but…”
“That’s not enough,” Kaji said removing his hands from his pockets. “I love you, I’ll tell you that as many times as you want…but I want to hear it too.”
Rena seemed to hesitate for a moment but staring at Kaji she lowered her hand holding the gun and responded.
“I…I love you Kaji,” Rena said almost in a whisper.
“I love you too,” he responded.
Rena looked at him as he held his arms out and smiled.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Rena nodded and raised the gun pointing it at him again.
“See you tomorrow,” she said before pulling the trigger.
His eyes focused on the darkened sky, snow gently landing on his face as he felt the cold snow on his back.
His entire body was freezing except for his neck which had a long white scarf wrapped around it, currently stained red with his own blood.
His vision was blurred and it took him a moment to realize where he was, seeing a dark figure stand over him brought him back to reality.
“Ah…you again,” he managed to mutter weakly. “This is the fifth time right…”
The dark figure nodded at him before pointing something at his skull; once he vision adjusted he noticed a black handgun inches away from his face. It was his own gun, given to him by his friend Sam who was lying in a pool of his own blood a few feet away from him.
“Who...are you anyway…why do you keep stopping me…”
He noticed the figure’s mouth move as they leaned forward into the light, a woman with long pink hair and blue eyes stared down at him.
He could never recognize her voice but he was able to make out the words.
“Mo…moka….I see…I’ll remember that. I’m Kaji...I’ll see you…. in the next cycle.”
Momoka nodded before pulling the trigger.
Kaji and Sam walked side by side down the bustling streets; Sam commented he looked pale and his short black hair was messy since he had just woken up, his bangs stopping just above his eyes.
He had amber eyes and reaching up he rubbed his chin which Sam had noted wasn’t strong and broad like his own.
Sam made jokes telling him he should tan a bit to regain some of color in his face.
“You’re like a sick ghost man,” Sam said resting a shotgun on his shoulder.
Kaji held his handgun in his right hand at his side deciding not to respond to him.
The people around them didn’t pay them any mind, and Sam walked through a middle aged man walking down the same street.
“So how many times is this again?” Sam asked breaking the silence between them once more. “It’s the…566th time right?”
“1,025th time Sam,” Kaji answered pulling his scarf up as the wind blew.
“Seriously, guessed I missed a few…no idea how though.”
“You didn’t have to come along Sam, I can go on my own,” Kaji said but received a punch in the arm afterwards.
“What are you talking about Kaji, I know I’m not real or whatever but I’m still your friend.”
Kaji stared at Sam as he turned his attention forward again, he didn’t say it but he appreciated that Sam was willing to do this for him, regardless of how real he was.
“Besides if I die I’ll just be reborn right along side you. I can’t leave you to do it alone.”
Kaji nodded and turned his attention forward before the streetlamps shut off; the people in the city seemed unaware of it and their bodies became transparent until they faded away leaving nothing but empty streets.
Red feathers fell from the sky and Sam sighed before removing his shotgun form his shoulder.
“Angel of death is here,” he said pumping it.
“Please don’t call her that,” Kaji said turning the safety off his gun as they noticed a figure approach them in the distance.
Kaji felt his body tense as the figure came into view revealing it was Momoka, he noted her hair was up in twin tails this time and as always she stopped exactly a block away from them.
“Let’s see if she’s still got it,” Sam said pumping his gun and shooting it at Momoka.
With barely any movement she raised her hand and caught what bullets would have hit her between her fingers.
Closing them into her hand she flicked one back at Sam which grazed his cheek causing it to bleed.
“Yep guns are useless just like last time,” Sam said wiping his cheek. “I thought she wouldn’t be as strong this time.”
“What made you think she wouldn’t be?” Kaji said pulling the bolt back. “She’s killed us 1,025 times. I think after the first she’d become a problem.”
“Well I agree with you there but this world just a dream right, she could be less of a threat at one point. I mean I’m pretty sure someone could turn on easy mode or something.”
Sam tightened his grip on his shotgun before he spoke keeping his focus on Momoka.
“Same deal as before, I’m bait so run and don’t look back.”
“I never like it when you say that,” Kaji mumbled. “Don’t forget she’s immortal.”
“That’s pretty hard to forget; still you want to reach her right? She’s the only one in the way.”
Momoka leaned forward before she sprinted forward keeping her body low.
“Here we go get moving!” Sam yelled. “Can’t let you die or we’ll reset again!”
Kaji took a step back hesitating for a moment but turned and ran into the nearby alley.
Sam grinned as tossed his shotgun aside and moved his hands behind his back; he pulled the pin on a grenade.
“You’d better make it this time Kaji or I’m beating you awake next time.”
Kaji kept running but felt a pain pierce his heart as he heard the explosion behind him.
“Sam….”
Kaji ran down the street as fast as his feet could carry him, he approached a large worn out bridge in the distance and tried to steady his rapidly beating heart.
“I have to reach her before Momoka recovers, ignore the pain and keep moving,” Kaji mumbled to himself.
This world wasn’t real, Momoka wasn’t real, the buildings, people, lights and decorations none of them truly existed. They were fabrications of the only two living people that lived in this fake reality.
Kaji gripped the scarf around his neck as he stepped onto the bridge; Kaji came to realize this as he was reborn in this world on the same day as the incident.
Last year on Christmas eve he confessed his feelings for his friend on the only bridge in the city. It took all his courage just to say it and he almost screamed it but he did it.
To his surprise instead of responding she gave him this scarf and with a quiet voice told him.
“Meet me here in one year.”
One year later he came to the bridge to find her leaning against the railing, the joy he felt was indescribable at seeing her again, but before he could get too close to her she shot him.
When he woke up he was in this world, and the only person that seemed aware of him was Sam and Momoka who for some reason kept stopping him from reaching the bridge.
Honestly he wasn’t even sure she was at the bridge, but the scarf around his neck was real so he believed she would be there.
“Rena.”
Kaji stopped a few feet from a young woman leaning against the bridges railing, her long brown hair hanging loosely to the bottom of her back with some of it draped over her small shoulders.
She turned her eyes towards him causing his heart to skip as her light brown eyes met his.
He didn’t have much time to be absorbed in her beauty as the moon reflected off her milky skin before her slim fingers reached behind her
Kaji took a step forward raised his gun as Rena trained a revolver on him, the guns were almost touches the faces of their targets but Kaji kept his gaze locked on Rena.
“Why are you here?” Rena asked her eyes narrowing at him.
“I said I would meet you here, so here I am,” Kaji responded keeping his composure as best he could.
She remained silent obviously dissatisfied with the answer he had given.
Kaji shoulders slumped and shaking his head he tossed his gun over the side of the railing, the gun making a splash into the water below.
“I can’t shoot you Rena, I never intended on it in the first place.”
Rena eyes seemed to twitch for a moment but she still kept her gun pointed at him.
“You’re here to destroy this world aren’t you?”
Kaji didn’t respond but that had been part of his intention so he nodded his head.
“I won’t…let you end this…” Rena said as her eyes started to water. “You can’t end it anyway.”
“Why am I here anyway Rena? I’m not sure if I’m dead or how much time has passed but this place seems…distant from what should be real.”
“I made this place; here I didn’t have to worry about anything. I didn’t have to worry about what I’d done….I could just watch the snow fall without worrying about anything.”
“This place isn’t real though,” Kaji said.
“It is real!” Rena screamed this as tears fell from her eyes. “I hate how real it is…even you’re here….”
Kaji remained silent as Rena’s sobs filled the night sky and echoed in the empty world the two of them shared.
“Why are you here Kaji? I never wanted you to be here.”
Kaji smiled a bit at this and rubbed the back of his head.
“You still waited for me though,” Kaji said.
Rena’s eyes widened and Kaji chuckled a little.
“Well I suppose there’s not much else to do around here is there? Since we don’t exist to the people here we can’t really do anything else but find each other.”
Kaji reached up and gripped the scarf around his neck, it was Rena’s so he was sure she recognized it.
“The scarf you gave me proved you was here, I kept it as clean as possible since I wanted to return it to you.”
Rena reached up with her other arm and wiped her eyes for a moment before she lowered her arm.
“Aren’t you angry at me? I shot at you, sent Momoka after you, I even trapped you here. Why aren’t you mad at me?”
“Well I’ll admit I wasn’t happy but I don’t hate you for it,” Kaji said shrugging. “I mean even after all of that you’re here aren’t you? I don’t think it’s to shoot me again since you’ve had plenty of time to pull the trigger.”
Rena glanced over at the gun but didn’t lower it speaking to him.
“You can act like that because you know you’ll be reborn again.”
“I suppose you have a point, when death isn’t a problem it’s hard to fear the things that causes it.”
Kaji shrugged but snapped his fingers as he remembered the other reason he came here.
“Oh yeah I almost forgot, you never did answer me,” he asked.
Rena’s body seemed to twitch at the question but Kaji shoved his hands into his pockets waiting for an answer.
“I…can’t answer it,” Rena said.
“You want to think about it for a bit more?” he questioned.
“It’s not that…I know the answer…but…I’m afraid of what I’ll lose if I tell you.”
“…sorry I don’t fully understand but do you love me or not?”
“I just told you can’t answer it…I don’t hate you…but…”
“That’s not enough,” Kaji said removing his hands from his pockets. “I love you, I’ll tell you that as many times as you want…but I want to hear it too.”
Rena seemed to hesitate for a moment but staring at Kaji she lowered her hand holding the gun and responded.
“I…I love you Kaji,” Rena said almost in a whisper.
“I love you too,” he responded.
Rena looked at him as he held his arms out and smiled.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Rena nodded and raised the gun pointing it at him again.
“See you tomorrow,” she said before pulling the trigger.
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Hmm there is a prequel of the 878th and a sequel. I do have an extended version but it ends the same, the largest difference is Sam and Momoka just fight longer.
Since the cycle continues I preferred this version but no its not over
I'm glad you enjoyed it though thanks for the taking the time to read it.
The prequel explains what she loses and I planned on putting it up once the contest was over anyway so I can't answer that one.
Since the cycle continues I preferred this version but no its not over
I'm glad you enjoyed it though thanks for the taking the time to read it.
The prequel explains what she loses and I planned on putting it up once the contest was over anyway so I can't answer that one.
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Livided
FAKKU Writer
Was definitely one of the most well written works in this contest and story was not to bad at all either. Deserves a lot more votes!
Two negatives I had was though that first I think you wrote this else where and then copied in here right? Cause I think the paragraphs works nice outside of here but in here they get to tight, feels like you could have made some more space in between the walls of text.
Secondly and another minor is the mass of "his" you got in the start lol, was this intentional or by accident?
I enjoy stories with good dialogue though, helps me not to get bored so good work overall and thanks for sharing. =)
Edit: My favorite title name too!
Two negatives I had was though that first I think you wrote this else where and then copied in here right? Cause I think the paragraphs works nice outside of here but in here they get to tight, feels like you could have made some more space in between the walls of text.
Secondly and another minor is the mass of "his" you got in the start lol, was this intentional or by accident?
I enjoy stories with good dialogue though, helps me not to get bored so good work overall and thanks for sharing. =)
Edit: My favorite title name too!
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FGRaptor
FAKKU Writer
A nice story, I gotta say I love the concept of a time loop / dream world. It's a good intro especially, really did a good job and got me interested, also good job at hinting at what is going on. I didn't even realise the many "his" like Livided pointed out, but that is indeed a problem. You should watch your repetition a bit (a problem for any writer I think).
Also I think you are bit too blunt about the repetition thing after your intro. It's like you slap the reader in the face with the solution even though it's not needed since we figured it out from the intro already. One weird thing... I'm not sure you can mistake the 1025th loop for the 566th, that's not just "missing a few".
Also: "and Sam walked through a middle aged man walking down the same street." When I read this I thought you mistyped or something, since you shouldn't be able to walk through people. Still I'm not sure if this was intentional (since it makes sense later when we find out nobody is real), or if this was a typo. It also seems strange the way it is thrown in there. If this is something important it should be highlighted more.
Overall though I really liked this. Good setting, good characters, good mystery, good dialogue, good story. I would rep you but I can't yet.
Also I think you are bit too blunt about the repetition thing after your intro. It's like you slap the reader in the face with the solution even though it's not needed since we figured it out from the intro already. One weird thing... I'm not sure you can mistake the 1025th loop for the 566th, that's not just "missing a few".
Also: "and Sam walked through a middle aged man walking down the same street." When I read this I thought you mistyped or something, since you shouldn't be able to walk through people. Still I'm not sure if this was intentional (since it makes sense later when we find out nobody is real), or if this was a typo. It also seems strange the way it is thrown in there. If this is something important it should be highlighted more.
Overall though I really liked this. Good setting, good characters, good mystery, good dialogue, good story. I would rep you but I can't yet.
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Hmmm well to answer Livided I wrote this on my laptop and copied it over, it ended up in wordpad instead of word so that might have something to do with it...but that's not the first time I've gotten that so its something I need to look out for.
The 'his' in the beginning were intentional.
The slap wasn't intentional I tried to find away to introduce the previous time and mark the current time but choosing one may have worked just as well.
The mistake in the numbers was just me trying to show a bit of Sam's personality, but there's also a reason he confuses the amount of times as well having to do with him not being real.
Sam walking through people was intentional, I meant for it to be subtle but maybe I made it too subtle.
Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's nice to hear an outside opinion, I should post in here more.
The 'his' in the beginning were intentional.
The slap wasn't intentional I tried to find away to introduce the previous time and mark the current time but choosing one may have worked just as well.
The mistake in the numbers was just me trying to show a bit of Sam's personality, but there's also a reason he confuses the amount of times as well having to do with him not being real.
Sam walking through people was intentional, I meant for it to be subtle but maybe I made it too subtle.
Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's nice to hear an outside opinion, I should post in here more.
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Okayyyy, I have mixed feelings for your piece.
First of all, I think it's great. Nice concept, though I'm not really a fan of loopy thing :P The characters' shaping of is good too. And it was clever how you brought Fakku preference into the story. Very interesting, I'll be sure to check for the sequel.
But then again, there are things I don't really like about your story.
First, and I think it's very important, that's I think you need to work on your English more. I can see a lot of sentences which, I think really need some commas or a full stop. And I think you should revise your story in terms of grammar and phrasing more before submitting it.
For the content of the story, I think it's quite fine, except for some parts. First off, it's that you keep the characters' identity completely secret; I personally think it's not good. It would have been better if you have gone for something like twilight-ish kinda way, not complete darkness like you did, if you know what you mean. Maybe you want to make a interesting twist for readers, by revealing their true nature later in the story, but how about dropping hints about their identities first, like 50% truth about them, then unveil the naked truth later in the story? I think that would have been better. You chose to keep readers in the dark, then of course we, including me, can't help wondering who are those minor characters are; who is Sam, who is Momoka, heck, even the protagonists themselves - are very vague-depicted. "Who are those guys and what do they do in the story?", "Who's Rena and why did she shoot him and why does she keep shooting him?", "Who's Kaji really?" are questions that was on my mind after I read your story.
Of course, you have a whole sequel to explain everything, but even though I have said I'm looking forward to it, but I think making episodic story and entering one part of it in the contest is not a good move. I did consider doing the same myself, actually, but after I think of it, I chose not to. Reason? The judges and us readers must rate the grammar aspect and the content aspect of a story before deciding one to root for. But we will have troubles evaluating the content side of your story with other' story, because we not yet know the whole idea behind your story. So I really think you should have submit a short, one-shot story in flavor of this. Of course, maybe you're not here with a mindset that you will win prizes, but that's what I think if you participate in future contest.
Well, all that is what I truly think about your story. I'm not a judge and I certainly don't think I'm a pro of some sort, but I'm not a butt-kisser either, so I spoke my mind, you may hate me for it, and I apologize for that in advance. I just hope I did help you after the review. Reply to me if you see this :D
First of all, I think it's great. Nice concept, though I'm not really a fan of loopy thing :P The characters' shaping of is good too. And it was clever how you brought Fakku preference into the story. Very interesting, I'll be sure to check for the sequel.
But then again, there are things I don't really like about your story.
First, and I think it's very important, that's I think you need to work on your English more. I can see a lot of sentences which, I think really need some commas or a full stop. And I think you should revise your story in terms of grammar and phrasing more before submitting it.
For the content of the story, I think it's quite fine, except for some parts. First off, it's that you keep the characters' identity completely secret; I personally think it's not good. It would have been better if you have gone for something like twilight-ish kinda way, not complete darkness like you did, if you know what you mean. Maybe you want to make a interesting twist for readers, by revealing their true nature later in the story, but how about dropping hints about their identities first, like 50% truth about them, then unveil the naked truth later in the story? I think that would have been better. You chose to keep readers in the dark, then of course we, including me, can't help wondering who are those minor characters are; who is Sam, who is Momoka, heck, even the protagonists themselves - are very vague-depicted. "Who are those guys and what do they do in the story?", "Who's Rena and why did she shoot him and why does she keep shooting him?", "Who's Kaji really?" are questions that was on my mind after I read your story.
Of course, you have a whole sequel to explain everything, but even though I have said I'm looking forward to it, but I think making episodic story and entering one part of it in the contest is not a good move. I did consider doing the same myself, actually, but after I think of it, I chose not to. Reason? The judges and us readers must rate the grammar aspect and the content aspect of a story before deciding one to root for. But we will have troubles evaluating the content side of your story with other' story, because we not yet know the whole idea behind your story. So I really think you should have submit a short, one-shot story in flavor of this. Of course, maybe you're not here with a mindset that you will win prizes, but that's what I think if you participate in future contest.
Well, all that is what I truly think about your story. I'm not a judge and I certainly don't think I'm a pro of some sort, but I'm not a butt-kisser either, so I spoke my mind, you may hate me for it, and I apologize for that in advance. I just hope I did help you after the review. Reply to me if you see this :D
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I go ahead and clear up by saying I don't hate you and yes it was helpful.
In terms of my english, grammar and punctuation is something I constantly battle with. I don't intend on becoming Ernest Hemingway or something like that but its something I need to fix.
In terms of the characters I wanted a little mystery with it so I chose the middle piece and it fit after a little editing.
I didn't come into the contest with the intent to win only to place. I...actually don't know what the prizes are just that they exist.
Participation in the contest is fun to do, since I rarely share any of my works the contest gives me a reason. I suppose its the rush of competition but not the desire to win. I know it sounds strange but its like that.
However I do agree an episodic story may have been the wrong path but I wanted to come in with something different compared to my past entries and it turned out like this.
I hope the ones that follow answer your questions if not then...well that would be bad, thanks for taking the time to read and for your opinion.
I have so much to edit since so much stuff is being pointed at, but it feels like everything's coming together as it should in the end.
In terms of my english, grammar and punctuation is something I constantly battle with. I don't intend on becoming Ernest Hemingway or something like that but its something I need to fix.
In terms of the characters I wanted a little mystery with it so I chose the middle piece and it fit after a little editing.
I didn't come into the contest with the intent to win only to place. I...actually don't know what the prizes are just that they exist.
Participation in the contest is fun to do, since I rarely share any of my works the contest gives me a reason. I suppose its the rush of competition but not the desire to win. I know it sounds strange but its like that.
However I do agree an episodic story may have been the wrong path but I wanted to come in with something different compared to my past entries and it turned out like this.
I hope the ones that follow answer your questions if not then...well that would be bad, thanks for taking the time to read and for your opinion.
I have so much to edit since so much stuff is being pointed at, but it feels like everything's coming together as it should in the end.
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xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
So, I'll start of by telling you that your piece is probably my favorite of the poll!
I think your story is great. It's mysterious and interesting and kept me reading the entire way through. I feel like there is missing information, but I also feel like that's information I don't really need to know. For instance, why do the characters call her Momoka? Is there a story behind the name? I have questions, but I don't necessarily need answers to them, because these things aren't the focus of the story. For me, watching Kaji speed down roads and alleyways trying to reach a goal and finding out the goal was a woman was the story. Many things could be shrouded in mystery, but I felt like your plot was still on target.
But even better than your plot was that dialogue. Dat. Dialogue. The conversations flowed so well. At times it was humorous, at other times, it was intense. The dialogue was not just one style, it was flexible. The talk between Kaji and Sam is radically different from that of Kaji and Rena, but both are very well done.
And...
“Well I agree with you there but this world just a dream right, she could be less of a threat at one point. I mean I’m pretty sure someone could turn on easy mode or something.”
Forrrrreeeaaaaaaaallllll. Damn, that's what you call a casual conversation. When you start saying stuff like 'easy mode'. It's just golden. And there are lines like this all over the place! Sooooo good
Honestly, your dialogues do almost all the fleshing for your characters for me, and that's not a bad thing at all. At the same time, however, I think you could use a bit more narrative. I also had a bit of a problem with the structure since everything wasn't spaced out. Many people may have difficulties grasping the story at first glance, but once I understood the situation, the story picked up very fast. That being said, having a stronger opening narrative could really help you out. Just small things like where the characters are going, how the city looks, etc. By developing the setting, the reader can visual/understand better.
Needless to say, I really enjoyed your story. Like, REALLY enjoyed it.
I think your story is great. It's mysterious and interesting and kept me reading the entire way through. I feel like there is missing information, but I also feel like that's information I don't really need to know. For instance, why do the characters call her Momoka? Is there a story behind the name? I have questions, but I don't necessarily need answers to them, because these things aren't the focus of the story. For me, watching Kaji speed down roads and alleyways trying to reach a goal and finding out the goal was a woman was the story. Many things could be shrouded in mystery, but I felt like your plot was still on target.
But even better than your plot was that dialogue. Dat. Dialogue. The conversations flowed so well. At times it was humorous, at other times, it was intense. The dialogue was not just one style, it was flexible. The talk between Kaji and Sam is radically different from that of Kaji and Rena, but both are very well done.
And...
“Well I agree with you there but this world just a dream right, she could be less of a threat at one point. I mean I’m pretty sure someone could turn on easy mode or something.”
Forrrrreeeaaaaaaaallllll. Damn, that's what you call a casual conversation. When you start saying stuff like 'easy mode'. It's just golden. And there are lines like this all over the place! Sooooo good
Honestly, your dialogues do almost all the fleshing for your characters for me, and that's not a bad thing at all. At the same time, however, I think you could use a bit more narrative. I also had a bit of a problem with the structure since everything wasn't spaced out. Many people may have difficulties grasping the story at first glance, but once I understood the situation, the story picked up very fast. That being said, having a stronger opening narrative could really help you out. Just small things like where the characters are going, how the city looks, etc. By developing the setting, the reader can visual/understand better.
Needless to say, I really enjoyed your story. Like, REALLY enjoyed it.