[Winter Contest Entry 2012] The Perfect Companion

What felt like streams of watery liquid, dripped over and over - as they showered the snowy ground - as if leaking from a water tank; due to having a crack. Every seconds seemingly took an eternity to pass. As the man wailed, what escaped from the young lass was a colossal laughter. While the atmosphere turned darker as the moments passed, life waned without cessation, as if the petals of a flower were being plucked out restlessly out of boredom.

The smile made her seem like a lunatic; a violently insane and crazy girl, decorated with a golden ring, a white-skinned face with angelic facial features, and flawlessly smooth streams of blond hair - shimmering brilliantly like gold itself - against the reflecting lights of the dimly-visible sun.

On this foggy daybreak of Christmas, a man couldn't understand this absurd situation, and his mind kept repeatedly thinking - 'Just what the hell is going on?!'

While the regal lady dressed in white and red danced happily before his eyes with a smile that is purely nonsensical. Spreading out her hands, she spun her body rapidly - something akin to ballad dancing, except that she was looking up at the sky, with her sparkling smile. Her voice, sounding like a song, announced happily as if prepared to leap off the edge of a very tall mountain:

"Let us both depart for heaven now, my dear."







It was the 24rd of December. It's been snowing for some time now. A man in proper attire suited for office left his home for work, apparently having the leisure of getting the day off for the next day. His wife, with an ever-radiating smile bid him farewell while waving her right hand, "Come home as soon as possible, dear!"

"I'll try!" Shinichi said in the best way possible..

Shinichi then entered his car, and drove away to his workplace.

Such a scene took place every morning. However, every night - Shinichi hardly returned home as fast as he's told to. Always late. Surprisingly enough, his wife, didn't seemed to spare a piece of doubt for him to witness, even if he was always late. All she did, is telling him to come as early as possible, despite seeing that he never did even when she did. It's as if her words came from a living voice recorder, which kept playing the same sentences naturally, over and over again.

'Why?' he wondered. She is always perfect. A wife with absolutely no negativity whatsoever. She always treats Shinichi nicely, never gets angry, and they have never, ever had a fight. She is very understanding and sometimes even thought to be saintly. Is this a blessing, or a curse? Shinichi felt that every one of those husbands out there, doesn't know what a real, perfect wife is. He kept wondering if they'd really be satisfied with such a wife.

Day after day, he tries to persuade himself into accepting her, mostly thinking of her beauty. Making her truly mesmerizing and spell-bounding figure and face appear in his mind. But is that really alright? Does he deserve her? Is it even alright to have someone so perfect? Such thoughts filled Shinichi's head, all the time. Perhaps she is too good for him. Or maybe she lacks his preferred personality? He does repeatedly buys these comics called 'manga' on Japan, from a store called the "FAKKU store", and masturbates to the contents filled with blond ladies who always starts off as hating and angry girls - the cold exterior - then soon softens up while opening up the innards of their heart.

This is probably his most preferred fetish. While he seems to show that he loves his wife a lot. On the inside, he doesn't even know if it's alright to fall for her. But masturbating instead of having sex with his wife is only the tip of the ice berg when it comes to his dark and old secrets that are kept away from his loving wife. It may as well make any normal wives doubtful, because Shinichi comes home late every night, at least past the dinner time. He'd pay sluts for services to get over lust, or even contact his... 'sex-friends' right after he gets off of work. Yes, there are plenty of ladies to get laid with, on America.

Upon the arrival of 24th, Shinichi's plan was to take out his lovely wife for a dinner. Reservations were made for a renowned hotel. Maybe all of this weren't even required for the two. But he felt like doing all that anyway. He felt as though they're both in a stalemate, and it had to change soon. From Shinichi's point of view; it's as if both of them were given roles for a movie after they got married, and they kept playing their roles ever since. Except that he himself started to slip up; starting to cheat on this innocent lady. Parhaps this was a part of his role all along.







A pair met. Lips met, and tongues clashed, dancing in an almost slimy manner due to all the saliva involved. The wife, smiled as snow continued to fall, as the two soon broke off from the long kiss. Vaporous air formed around his mouth as Shinichi gasped for air.

He then looked at the girl in front of him. Standing before him was not his wife, but one of his so-called sex-friends. Who happened to confess her apparent romantic feelings for him, wrapping her arms till reaching her back as if capturing him, soon planting a kiss - filled to the brink with what seemed like lust. As for Shinichi... he is all too used to such kisses; instinctively his tongue played along with hers. All the while his wife looked from afar. Her expression, completely unreadable.

As soon as Shinichi saw his wife. A sudden pang of guilt mixed with fear grew inside him, and surfaced in his expressions from the depths of his heart. The other girl saw the expression of utter terror and looked behind. Then looked down at Shinichi with disappointed. She walked off with a face that a little devil would make

"So, Shinichi, where are we going tonight?" her voice dismissed the whole heart-breaking event aside as if it's not a matter worth wasting time about, as if the scandalous scene didn't took place at all. It's so abhorrent that Shinichi found it impossible to swallow. Now his mind started to think differently. 'Is she really playing the role of a perfect wife? Just what the heck is this?'[i]

Awkwardness soon flooded into his mind, leaving him completely in a mood not fit for Christmas Eve.

The night soon ended as they both slept in their room on the hotel.

***

After reading a letter from his wife at the bed, Shinichi came out of the hotel and went outside. He didn't looked at the time. He assumed that it's past midnight.

However, beside the fact that it's strange how no one else is around the hotel at all, as well as how all the cacophony from the city seemed to be replaced by an ambient breeze of wind; he never remembered seeing a park right outside of the hotel. He found the situation mysterious, but walked forward regardless.

His wife stood before the trees. An atmosphere hung in the air that gave chills to his very spine. Continued to stroll towards the familiar presence before him - he noted her appearance once again; she wore the same set of dress from when he met her after receiving the sudden kiss.

A white coat cloaked her upper half, along with a scarf - also white - coiled around her neck. What covered her lower half was a long skirt with black long-knee socks seemed to cover her slender legs; it's not fully white in the end. He couldn't tell if this was how one would dress up, but didn't ponder much regarding it.

Her lips stretched to form her usual smile, much to Shinichi's surprise, as he kept wondering why she called him out at this hour. He then received his answer:

"The sun is about to rise."

"Ah, I see. So that's why you called me."

He immediately replied, in a brisk tone with his dry throat. However, her expression seemed to show slight disappointment. Shinichi felt confused as she simply shakes her head.

"I wanted to tell you something."

"And that is... ?"

"I love you."

"Is that so?"

"Why yes, of course."

"Prove it to me."

"My undying feelings for you, I shall show proof, Shinichi."

Her tone changed greatly. At this, his eyebrows lifted slightly.

Shinichi anticipated a kiss, or something of that sort.

Bright light blinded his eyes abruptly, and soon he looked down at his impaled belly with a distorted expression formed from extreme pain. Struck with a golden blade shining brilliantly, he hardly managed to grasp the situation. As the blade left his body, blood flushed out and dripped from not only it's tip, but his belly as well; coloring the snow crimson red.

Her attired turn white and red, as blood painted her dress red from the splattering drops. Laughter escaped her lips, displaying hysteria to some degree. A face seemingly filled with so much corruption, that it felt as though all the evil from the world gathered into her, the blood that landed on her face, specifically decorated her to top it off.

A pair of glowing wings appeared behind her back. Halo drifted above her head. The smile of terror was instilled in his vision, as Shinichi strives to analyze the situation, he soon lost strength and fell.

[i]'Just what the hell is going on?' he thought.

His wife dropped her weapon, then spun her body repeatedly after spreading out her hands wide to feel the cold air. Dancing in a manner as if for celebration.

"I, an angel - a servant of God - fell for you."

"You, a mortal. Accepted me."

"You, a fool who desired imperfection, abandoned me."

"You, a sinful man, need punishment.

"You, a man who I cannot let go of, will, come with me - to heaven."

"Let us both depart for heaven now, my dear. Since I've punished you with death, God will surely... forgive you... and then we can..."

In each of her lines, she paused before continuing.

It started coming to him. And even though this situation is so surreal, Shinichi realized what had been perplexing him all this time; she is simply too different. She tried to be the best wife that he could have. And imperfection grew from trying too hard to please him.

He could no longer tell.

His mind was barely working. But there was one thing he could tell with certainty.

"Finally... I see something that is not an act, out of you."

"What?" her smile broke.

"I just couldn't bare to see you act so perfect. Be more honest next time... would you? You're not human, I understand this now. It is this reason that made you so unnatural."

"But I still l-"

"I can now... finally accept you."

Shinichi smiled, as he closed his eyes, a feeling of satisfaction washed over his heart, because what he witnessed were two glistening streams of tears running down her lustrous face.

A truly warm smile surfaced as the daybreak took place - it was the proof of her undying feelings of love for Shinichi.

husband NTR wife -> she stabbed him

kind of similar to the typical yandere endings, with some addition, like an angel from heaven of some sort. That kind of perfect heroine, it bears some similarity to your Eternal Lover one too.

well my comment is, the ending kinda screws up with my logic. I'm expecting a brutal and violent massacre (guro ftw) of the unfaithful husband -> like the decapitation of genitals for example or the ripping of innards while you described the intense pain that unfaithful husband had, teaching the readers not to NTR their perfect wives anymore.

I might not had been reading this a bit further but if you had some kind of further meaning behind the events, please tell me.

NTR -> Yandere Ending -> Wife takes husband to outer space after stabbing him

that's what I figured out so far, nothing more. that's mostly due to my low literacy levels though.

anyway I think it's a pretty nice entry, good work on it. you know you can do it if you try =D

Frankly, the grammar is horrible. Your entry is riddled with fragments that don't work, run-on sentences, and comma splices. There are even times when the tenses don't agree. It was so problematic that, for me, it really took away from the piece as a whole. I found myself having to make corrections in regards to your grammar almost the entire time I was reading your entry.

Your word choice was, I think, lacking. Too often were you using the same words within a sentence. It made your work repetitive. There were some good words thrown into the mix that just were out of place based on the rest of the entry. It was another very detracting aspect of your writing for me.

The idea that you write on has been well-received by others, but such was not the case for me. It just wasn't something that ever got me. I like yandere characters, but this was just meh. It seems like she just doesn't care at all, but wait, what's that, she's so completely in love that she kills him. Really? And she's so perfect that he feels he can't love her, but they're married? I give you a B for effort and a D for execution.

You did a good job trying to describe your scenery, but you tried to put the same amount of effort into describing the woman. It didn't work out. It was clumsy, awkward even, and made the main character seem overly dull and bland. If that was your intent then I must applaud you, otherwise I chastise you.

You spent five hours on this? Really Rice? A contest where people could be really putting in work and you write for five hours? Did you even reread this or edit it at all? Have some respect for writing and the other entrants. Not spending time on something that you knew about for more than enough time is not an excuse for producing something that is poor quality. You are a writer, are you not? Being lazy is no excuse for poor quality.

Saying any more would be imprudent and inappropriate for this post.

inb4 hate

What felt like streams of watery liquid, dripped over and over - as they showered the snowy ground - as if leaking from a water tank; due to having a crack.(This sentence is incomplete. It is written describing the subject, but the subject never gets mentioned. Consider 'They felt' instead of 'What felt') Every seconds seemingly took an eternity to pass. As the man wailed, what escaped from the young lass was a colossal laughter. While the atmosphere turned darker as the moments passed, life waned without cessation, as if the petals of a flower were being plucked out restlessly out of boredom.

The smile made her seem like a lunatic;, a violently insane and crazy girl, decorated with a golden ring, a white-skinned face with angelic facial features, and flawlessly smooth streams of blond hair - shimmering brilliantly like gold itself - against the reflecting lights of the dimly visible sun.

On this foggy daybreak of Christmas, a man couldn't understand this absurd situation, and his mind kept repeatedly thinking - 'Just what the hell is going on?!'

While tThe regal lady dressed in white and red danced happily before his eyes with a smile that iwas purely nonsensical. Spreading out her hands, she spun her body rapidly - something akin to ballad dancing, except(Why 'except?' One can do that and ballroom dance. Just continue to describe her facial positioning.) that she was looking up at the sky, with her sparkling smile. Her voice, sounding like a song, announced happily as if prepared to leap off the edge of a very tall mountain:

"Let us both depart for heaven now, my dear."







It was the 24rdth of December. It's been snowing for some time now. A man in proper attire suited for office left his home for work, apparently having the leisure of getting the day off for the next day. His wife, with an ever-radiating smile, bid him farewell while waving her right hand, "Come home as soon as possible, dear!"

"I'll try!" Shinichi said in the best way possible..

Shinichi then entered his car, and drove away to his workplace.

Such a scene took place every morning. However, every night - Shinichi hardly returned home as fast as he's told to. Always late.(This could be used appropriately, but you need to be aware that it is a sentence fragment.) Surprisingly enough, his wife, didn't seemed to spare a piece of doubt for him to witness, even if he was always late. All she did, iwas telling him to come as early as possible, despite seeing that he never did even when she did. It's as if her words came from a living voice recorder, which kept playing the same sentences naturally, over and over again.

'Why?' he wondered. She iwas always perfect. A wife with absolutely no negativity whatsoever.(Again, a sentence fragment. Try beginning the sentence with †˜She was…’) She always treatsed Shinichi nicely, never geots angry, and they have never, ever had a fight. She is(I won’t fix any more present tense to past, since you are consistently using present tense even though you began your story in past. Although there are strategic ways of switching, you did the opposite of what would have been logical by writing in past at the beginning and present now (when talking about before the beginning incident happened, which should be written in past tense.)) very understanding and sometimes even thought to be saintly. Is this a blessing, or a curse? Shinichi felt that every one of those husbands out there, doesn't know what a real, perfect wife is. He kept wondering if they'd really be satisfied with such a wife.

Day after day, he tries to persuade himself into accepting her, mostly thinking of her beauty. Making her truly mesmerizing and spell-bounding figure and face appear in his mind.(Sentence fragment.) But(Avoid beginning sentences with †˜But’) iIs that really alright? Does he deserve her? Is it even alright to have someone so perfect? Such thoughts filled Shinichi's head, all the time. Perhaps she is too good for him. Or mMaybe she lacks his preferred personality? He does repeatedly buys these comics called 'manga' fronm Japan, from a store called the "FAKKU store,", and masturbates to the contents filled with blond ladies who (Just say †˜are tsundere.’ You run the sentence too long.) always starts off as hating and angry girls - the cold exterior - then soon softens up while opening up the innards of their heart.

This is probably his most preferred fetish., Wwhile he seems to show that he loves his wife a lot. On the inside, he doesn't even know if it's alright to fall for her. But(Again, avoid beginning sentences with †˜But’) mMasturbating instead of having sex with his wife is only the tip of the ice berg when it comes to his dark and old secrets that are kept away from his loving wife. It may as wellwould make any normal wivfes doubtful, because Shinichi comes home late every night, at least past the dinner time. He'd pay sluts for services to get over lust, or even contact his...(Unnecessary ellipsis) 'sex-friends' right after he gets off of work. Yes, there are plenty of ladies to get laid with, oin America.

Upon the arrival of the 24th, Shinichi's plan was to take out his lovely wife for a dinner. Reservations were made for a renowned hotel. Maybe all of this wereasn't even required for the two., Bbut he felt like doing it all that anyway. He felt as though they're both in a stalemate, and it had to change soon. From Shinichi's point of view;, it's as if both of them were given roles for a movie after they got married, and they kept playing their roles ever since., Eexcept that he himself started to slip up; and starting to cheat on this innocent lady. Paerhaps this was a part of his role all along.







A pair met. Lips met, and tongues clashed,(Now you switch back to past tense, but the story has become closer to the present of the beginning, though still in the past so it’s appropriate. I'm simply noting one of your tense changes.) dancing in an almost slimy manner due to all the saliva involved. The wife, smiled as snow continued to fall, as the two soon broke off from the long kiss. Vaporous air formed around his mouth as Shinichi gasped for air.

He then looked at the girl in front of him. Standing before him was not his wife, but one of his so-called 'sex-friends.' Who She happened to confess her apparent romantic feelings for him, wrapping her arms untill reaching her back as if capturing him, soon planting a kiss - filled to the brink(Usually †˜brim’ is the word to follow †˜filled to the…’ but okay) with what seemed like lust.(You mean it wasn’t obviously lust?) As for Shinichi,...(Unnecessary ellipsis) he is all too used to such kisses; instinctively his tongue played along with hers. All the while, his wife looked from afar. Her expression,: completely unreadable.

As soon as Shinichi saw his wife., Aa sudden pang of guilt mixed with fear grew inside him, and surfaced in his expressions from the depths of his heart. The other girl saw the expression of utter terror and looked behind., Tthen looked down at Shinichi with disappointedment. She walked off with a face that a little devil would make

"So, Shinichi, where are we going tonight?" her voice dismissed the whole heart-breaking event aside as if it's not a matter worth wasting time about, as if the scandalous scene didn't tooake place at all. It's(It’s not common that a conjunction is used for †˜it was’ but more often for †˜it is,’ thus the use of the conjunction creates an awkward read. You have done this a few times in the piece.) so abhorrent that Shinichi found it impossible to swallow. Now his mind started to think differently. 'Is she really playing the role of a perfect wife? Just what the heck is this?'[i]

Awkwardness soon flooded into his mind, leaving him completely in a mood not fit for Christmas Eve.

The night soon ended as they both slept in their room oin the hotel.

***

After reading a letter from his wife at the bed, Shinichi came out of the hotel and went outside. He didn't looked at the time.; Hhe assumed that it's past midnight.

However, beside the fact that it's strange how no one else is around the hotel at all, as well as how all the cacophony from the city seemed to be replaced by an ambient breeze of wind; he never remembered seeing a park right outside of the hotel. He found the situation mysterious, but walked forward regardless.

His wife stood before the trees. An atmosphere hung in the air that gave chills to his very spine. As he Ccontinued to stroll towards the familiar presence before him - he noted her appearance once again; she wore the same set of dress from when he met her after receiving the sudden kiss.

A white coat cloaked her upper half, along with a scarf - also white - coiled around her neck. What covered her lower half was a long skirt with black long-knee socks seemed to cover her slender legs; it's not fully white in the end. He couldn't tell if this was how one would dress up, but didn't ponder much regarding it.

Her lips stretched to form her usual smile, much to Shinichi's surprise, as he kept wondering why she called him out at this hour. He then received his answer:

"The sun is about to rise."

"Ah, I see. So that's why you called me."

He immediately replied, in a brisk tone with his dry throat. However, her expression seemed to show slight disappointment. Shinichi felt confused as she simply shakes her head.

"I wanted to tell you something."

"And that is...?"

"I love you."

"Is that so?"

"Why yes, of course."

"Prove it to me."

"My undying feelings for you, I shall show proof, Shinichi."

Her tone changed greatly. At this, his eyebrows lifted slightly.

Shinichi anticipated a kiss, or something of that sort.

Bright light blinded his eyes abruptly, and soon he looked down at his impaled belly with a distorted expression formed from extreme pain. Struck with a golden blade shining brilliantly, he hardly managed to grasp the situation. As the blade left his body, blood flushed out and dripped from not only it's tip, but his belly as well; coloring the snow crimson red.

Her attired turned white and red, as blood painted her dress red from the splattering drops. Laughter escaped her lips, displaying hysteria to some degree. A face seemingly filled with so much corruption, that it felt as though all the evil from the world gathered into her,. tThe blood that landed on her face, specifically decorated her to top it off.

A pair of glowing wings appeared behind her back. A Hhalo drifted above her head. The smile of terror was instilled in his vision,. aAs Shinichi strivesd to analyze the situation, he soon lost strength and fell.

[i]'Just what the hell is going on?' he thought.

His wife dropped her weapon, then spun her body repeatedly after spreading out her hands wide to feel the cold air., Ddancing in a manner as if for celebration.

"I, an angel - a servant of God - fell for you."

"You, a mortal., Aaccepted me."

"You, a fool who desired imperfection, abandoned me."

"You, a sinful man, need punishment.

"You, a man who I cannot let go of, will, come with me - to heaven."

"Let us both depart for heaven now, my dear. Since I've punished you with death, God will surely... forgive you... and then we can..."(I see that these are all the angel talking, but you create a confusion by creating new paragraphs. It seems as if you’re doing it to introduce another speaker.)

In each of her lines, she paused before continuing.

It started coming to him. And(Avoid beginning sentences with †˜And’) eEven though this situation iwas so surreal, Shinichi realized what had been perplexing him all this time; she is simply too different. She tried to be the best wife that he could have. And(Again) iImperfection grew from trying too hard to please him.

He could no longer tell.

His mind was barely working. ButHowever,(Again, don't use the word †˜But’ to begin your sentences) there was one thing he could tell with certainty.

"Finally... I see something that is not an act, out of you."

"What?" her smile broke.

"I just couldn't beare to see you act so perfect. Be more honest next time... would you? You're not human, I understand this now. It is this reason that made you so unnatural."

"But I still l-"

"I can now...finally accept you."

Shinichi smiled, as he closed his eyes, a feeling of satisfaction washed over his heart, because what he witnessed were two glistening streams of tears running down her lustrous face.

A truly warm smile surfaced as the daybreak took place - it was the proof of her undying feelings of love for Shinichi.