[Winter Contest Entry 2013] Almighty Watcher
4
Spoiler:
The story is in the spoiler. Microsoft Word said I use 1918 words. This is the first time I made something that's under 2000 words without editing it first!
I'm trying a new style of writing, I copy the Light Novel's style after I read Oda Nobuna no Yabou's light novel in Baka-Tsuki.
I hope you guys enjoy it. The story is not too complicated and quite simple (I think).
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
That was a very interesting story, a typical but a welcome fantasy scenario. It is not 'fan fiction' isn't it? I would like to know your sources of inspiration. While I have skimmed through a few translated novels, I had not really paid attention to the writing style of these novels.
I noticed the use of onomatopoeia. Correct me if I am wrong, I believe that even in writing, the Japanese love to use it. While I don't use it, preferring using other expressions to describe sounds, I take it that it is in the style of the light novels. Very point of view-centric, a lot on what the character is thinking and forgive me for saying it, minutiae, like going into detail what father and mother are doing to the hero. Not important to plot progression but included in anyway.
The story mainly focuses on our main character being some kind of deity whose powers are suppressed for some reason. While it is not possible to go through why he has to endure these 500 year cycles in 2000 words, why God has to become mortal, what is this God exactly and so on, I have to commend you in the execution of the plot. Despite most fantasy scenarios leaving me completely confused, I can still understand what is going on. Mika is calling on God, our hero, to deal with Lucifer. Perhaps it is because of Mika's exposition which was easy to understand.
Grammar is not really important in plot execution but it makes the entry prettier. I noticed a few errors, mainly phrases that can be better expressed, singular and plural forms and missing commas.
Your memories restoration is not complete. (You have to yet recover your memories.)
Sex is something for married couple only. (Sex is for the married.)
I am Michael one of your archangels my lord. (I am Michael, one of your archangels, my Lord.)
Thank you for this entry. It was pleasant read. Wish I could know more about the universe it was set in though. That said, could you tell me how the story is related to the cold?
Did you get the chance to read my entry though?
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-contest-entry-2013-an-analysis
I noticed the use of onomatopoeia. Correct me if I am wrong, I believe that even in writing, the Japanese love to use it. While I don't use it, preferring using other expressions to describe sounds, I take it that it is in the style of the light novels. Very point of view-centric, a lot on what the character is thinking and forgive me for saying it, minutiae, like going into detail what father and mother are doing to the hero. Not important to plot progression but included in anyway.
The story mainly focuses on our main character being some kind of deity whose powers are suppressed for some reason. While it is not possible to go through why he has to endure these 500 year cycles in 2000 words, why God has to become mortal, what is this God exactly and so on, I have to commend you in the execution of the plot. Despite most fantasy scenarios leaving me completely confused, I can still understand what is going on. Mika is calling on God, our hero, to deal with Lucifer. Perhaps it is because of Mika's exposition which was easy to understand.
Grammar is not really important in plot execution but it makes the entry prettier. I noticed a few errors, mainly phrases that can be better expressed, singular and plural forms and missing commas.
Your memories restoration is not complete. (You have to yet recover your memories.)
Sex is something for married couple only. (Sex is for the married.)
I am Michael one of your archangels my lord. (I am Michael, one of your archangels, my Lord.)
Thank you for this entry. It was pleasant read. Wish I could know more about the universe it was set in though. That said, could you tell me how the story is related to the cold?
Did you get the chance to read my entry though?
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-contest-entry-2013-an-analysis
0
Ah, I haven't read it yet.
Whenever I heard "cold" what comes into my mind is a girl with a cold expression so yeah that's the only "cold" thing in the story.
The archangels setting... I search for the information in wikipedia lol. It is fan fiction.
I noticed those errors after writing and too lazy to change them lol.
A few manga I read before also has this kind of half-mysterious scenario, where not all of the past is actually showed until the end.
About this God thing, it's based on this guy : http://alicesoft.wikia.com/wiki/Ludo-Rathowm the highest god in Rance Visual Novel series. He created humans and all just for his own entertainment so basically that's why the God spent 500 years as mortal... Only to relieve his boredom. But he made some kind of excuse to the archangels lol.
Whenever I heard "cold" what comes into my mind is a girl with a cold expression so yeah that's the only "cold" thing in the story.
The archangels setting... I search for the information in wikipedia lol. It is fan fiction.
I noticed those errors after writing and too lazy to change them lol.
A few manga I read before also has this kind of half-mysterious scenario, where not all of the past is actually showed until the end.
About this God thing, it's based on this guy : http://alicesoft.wikia.com/wiki/Ludo-Rathowm the highest god in Rance Visual Novel series. He created humans and all just for his own entertainment so basically that's why the God spent 500 years as mortal... Only to relieve his boredom. But he made some kind of excuse to the archangels lol.
0
There are some typos, and you seem to have trouble with verb tenses, but it was enjoyable. You took an idea that's certainly been done before, but you took it in a different direction. Usually when you have a character who's God incarnate, they go on a epic quest to save the world. I suppose that also would be highly inappropriate for a contest with a 2000 word limit, but that's not that point.
Typos and grammar errors aside, there were a few other things I noticed.
Really? That's it? He remembers everything just like that? I get that things have to be condensed due to the nature of the contest, but you could have at least described the process of the return of his memories a little more.
I find it hard to believe that he could be tricked into thinking that nothing was amiss for 500 years.
Typos and grammar errors aside, there were a few other things I noticed.
Suddenly, a sharp pain went through my head. “Ah...”
“Yes, I remember now, good work Michael.”
“Yes, I remember now, good work Michael.”
Really? That's it? He remembers everything just like that? I get that things have to be condensed due to the nature of the contest, but you could have at least described the process of the return of his memories a little more.
You told us to keep the fact that you’re turning human but I think Lucifer finally finds out after all these 500 years.”
I find it hard to believe that he could be tricked into thinking that nothing was amiss for 500 years.
0
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Suddenly, a sharp pain went through my head. “Ah...”
“Yes, I remember now, good work Michael.”
“Yes, I remember now, good work Michael.”
Really? That's it? He remembers everything just like that? I get that things have to be condensed due to the nature of the contest, but you could have at least described the process of the return of his memories a little more.
You told us to keep the fact that you’re turning human but I think Lucifer finally finds out after all these 500 years.”
I find it hard to believe that he could be tricked into thinking that nothing was amiss for 500 years.
Actually I thought of those words as some kind of "trigger" once an archangel says it.
For the tricked for 500 years, for the gods, angels, and devils, 500 years are a very short time. That's why I made it like that...
I didn't really think when I make a story lol. I even made the title after it's done haha.
0
Kuro vi Lolitannia wrote...
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Suddenly, a sharp pain went through my head. “Ah...”
“Yes, I remember now, good work Michael.”
“Yes, I remember now, good work Michael.”
Really? That's it? He remembers everything just like that? I get that things have to be condensed due to the nature of the contest, but you could have at least described the process of the return of his memories a little more.
You told us to keep the fact that you’re turning human but I think Lucifer finally finds out after all these 500 years.”
I find it hard to believe that he could be tricked into thinking that nothing was amiss for 500 years.
Actually I thought of those words as some kind of "trigger" once an archangel says it.
For the tricked for 500 years, for the gods, angels, and devils, 500 years are a very short time. That's why I made it like that...
I didn't really think when I make a story lol. I even made the title after it's done haha.
Nothing wrong with jumping in without thinking. That's just how some people write, and it's definitely normal to come up with the title last. It can be the hardest part, to capture the spirit of your work in only a few words.
0
Livided
FAKKU Writer
One of the best dialogues I have read in a while, dialogues are my own personal worst enemy so it is both very educational and inspiring to read such interesting dialogues that you present in this story.
"But it has been one week. “Sigh, I’m tired. It feels like I didn’t sleep at all...”" - This part here confused me a bit though as it seemed this entire sentence should have been narration or full dialogue, but instead it is split into both worlds, sounds odd to me.
Besides that, story was nice and interesting, and yer last comment about "not too complicated" makes me feel like a dummy as I indeed found it at times quite complicated and got lost haha.
Overal nice work!
"But it has been one week. “Sigh, I’m tired. It feels like I didn’t sleep at all...”" - This part here confused me a bit though as it seemed this entire sentence should have been narration or full dialogue, but instead it is split into both worlds, sounds odd to me.
Besides that, story was nice and interesting, and yer last comment about "not too complicated" makes me feel like a dummy as I indeed found it at times quite complicated and got lost haha.
Overal nice work!
0
Grammer: Eh- There were a few portions that I recalled were fuzzy. The part where the knight stops Lucifer is in present tense for some reason. Then the part after about the window. Generally, the issues were scattered around with tense changes. I think one solid way to fix it would be to look up at the "is" in the document and try to figure out if it makes sense.
Story Flow: Jittery. You broke the story flow a lot with the "------" parts where I am to understand a time jump occurred (though it's not clear).
Topical/Theme: Not really. The only cold part is from the girl which she wasn't really that cold to begin with?
Genre: Fan-Fiction?
Main Perspective: In order to find the time and place for the end of humanity, God reincarnates himself into a human every 500 years while Michael and Gabriel help him out.
Personals: Its nice to see a different style of writing when in these contests. It does open your eyes a little in a way that reading the general style over and over again grinds on you after a while. I think you had something going here with the concept and by the sheer number of time skip parts, I can only assume you had a lot to say and very little room to do so in this contest. Try to expand each part and see what magic you can do! It brought a weird taste to my mouth with I thought about God Reincarnate feeling all up Michael.
BUT... there are a few things I can't stand. The dad having a box of hentai seems extremely unreasonable even in the context of the story... that and Japanese "uguu" stuff... It just feels weird.
Story Flow: Jittery. You broke the story flow a lot with the "------" parts where I am to understand a time jump occurred (though it's not clear).
Topical/Theme: Not really. The only cold part is from the girl which she wasn't really that cold to begin with?
Genre: Fan-Fiction?
Main Perspective: In order to find the time and place for the end of humanity, God reincarnates himself into a human every 500 years while Michael and Gabriel help him out.
Personals: Its nice to see a different style of writing when in these contests. It does open your eyes a little in a way that reading the general style over and over again grinds on you after a while. I think you had something going here with the concept and by the sheer number of time skip parts, I can only assume you had a lot to say and very little room to do so in this contest. Try to expand each part and see what magic you can do! It brought a weird taste to my mouth with I thought about God Reincarnate feeling all up Michael.
BUT... there are a few things I can't stand. The dad having a box of hentai seems extremely unreasonable even in the context of the story... that and Japanese "uguu" stuff... It just feels weird.
0
FGRaptor
FAKKU Writer
The twist was definitely not what I expected. The story reads like an anime or manga and I guess that is what you wanted to achieve. I can’t say I have read any light novels, although I glanced over SAO once, so I’m not sure if you followed that structure or not – but it looks like it. However, it may not be the best form to choose for a mere 2000 words – especially with so many scene breaks. Still, I like the story, although it’s boggled down by grammatical mistakes, uguu~
Sorry about that, but to agree with CoffeePrince – I’m not too fond of writing out the noises as if they are dialogue – onomatopoeia as leonard287 correctly identified it. Though, as I said before, I don’t know if this is done in light novels. For me it doesn’t quite work – it can work when spoken, but when written down the effect is completely different.
I won’t say too much about the grammar mistakes as the prominent ones have been covered with examples by previous commenters already. You may want to watch your punctuation a bit, as you use a lot of exclamation points – and they should be used sparely. There are also some instances of missing punctuation (†˜[…]whether I should destroy the world yet” […]’ – no comma) and wrong punctuation (“No, your wish is our command.’ – opened with double quotation marks, closed with single).
While the dialogue is lively and indeed feels like what would be said in anime, it’s also too clustered and too close to real speech; too many Ah’s and Eh’s and Hrm’s. The dialogue and the rest of the story would benefit from more structure.
There is also an issue with repetition of story elements. The fact that god was living as a human for 500 years is brought up about half a dozen times.
The story is very straight forward and progresses at a fast pace – too fast, probably. This is an issue with the word count; telling this particular story would have needed more words. As it is now it falls a bit flat. The beginning has a much slower pace than the middle, whereas the ending slows down again. In the middle things progress too fast – the reveal of the conflict is too quick and resolved even faster than it was introduced. The climax is over before it really begins.
Describing the attacks in more detail would freshen up the battles a lot. Simply writing what they do – a shield or a bolt of light – without description of how they do it and how they look and what exactly their effect is leaves them feeling flat. It would have helped the middle part greatly.
Final Thoughts:
I like the premise of the story – whether it is original or fan fiction. There might be a problem with convincingly presenting a protagonist who is literally omnipotent (since he’s god), but I would be interested to see more of it. This is a rather small glimpse of what is possible, especially since god himself is rather passive here. Michael seemed to be the driving force and thus the real protagonist.
I especially liked the ending. It actually flowed well with the rest and summed up the story nicely. Was it a dream or wasn’t it? It works well since the story started with a dream. The end reveal by Michael then leaves us wanting for more – see you in 500 years.
Sorry about that, but to agree with CoffeePrince – I’m not too fond of writing out the noises as if they are dialogue – onomatopoeia as leonard287 correctly identified it. Though, as I said before, I don’t know if this is done in light novels. For me it doesn’t quite work – it can work when spoken, but when written down the effect is completely different.
I won’t say too much about the grammar mistakes as the prominent ones have been covered with examples by previous commenters already. You may want to watch your punctuation a bit, as you use a lot of exclamation points – and they should be used sparely. There are also some instances of missing punctuation (†˜[…]whether I should destroy the world yet” […]’ – no comma) and wrong punctuation (“No, your wish is our command.’ – opened with double quotation marks, closed with single).
While the dialogue is lively and indeed feels like what would be said in anime, it’s also too clustered and too close to real speech; too many Ah’s and Eh’s and Hrm’s. The dialogue and the rest of the story would benefit from more structure.
There is also an issue with repetition of story elements. The fact that god was living as a human for 500 years is brought up about half a dozen times.
The story is very straight forward and progresses at a fast pace – too fast, probably. This is an issue with the word count; telling this particular story would have needed more words. As it is now it falls a bit flat. The beginning has a much slower pace than the middle, whereas the ending slows down again. In the middle things progress too fast – the reveal of the conflict is too quick and resolved even faster than it was introduced. The climax is over before it really begins.
Describing the attacks in more detail would freshen up the battles a lot. Simply writing what they do – a shield or a bolt of light – without description of how they do it and how they look and what exactly their effect is leaves them feeling flat. It would have helped the middle part greatly.
Final Thoughts:
I like the premise of the story – whether it is original or fan fiction. There might be a problem with convincingly presenting a protagonist who is literally omnipotent (since he’s god), but I would be interested to see more of it. This is a rather small glimpse of what is possible, especially since god himself is rather passive here. Michael seemed to be the driving force and thus the real protagonist.
I especially liked the ending. It actually flowed well with the rest and summed up the story nicely. Was it a dream or wasn’t it? It works well since the story started with a dream. The end reveal by Michael then leaves us wanting for more – see you in 500 years.
0
Yeah, the limit of 2000 words kept me from widening the story that's why it's kinda confusing haha.
2
xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
That escalated quickly! Did not expect things to get so wild so fast.
Anyways, generally this kind of idea is handled with some doom and gloom with a dash of serious moral reflection, but you take it for a rather comedic spin which I really enjoyed. It's really quite refreshing to see god act so carefree, so human. And although his angels are being commanded, I think it's absolutely hilarious how Michael is able to instantly change.
And I'm with FGRaptor, this just begs to see what happens in 500 years. This feels like a prologue to something far larger, or maybe it's just a set up for another comedic routine. Either way, you've lead me on successfully enough to want more!
As for some things you might want to look at...
The fact that god knows that he only has .0001% of his former power bugs me. I mean, I think it would just make more sense for him to say he has a tiny fraction of his power or something.
Also, towards the end, with the fight with Lucifer, there are rays of light going here and there, but I don't know who or what is causing them. Some clarification during that scene would've been nice. And what the heck! Why are they using their cellphones to activate light ray traps XD. Now that was strange. Were they using electronics to fire their rays from the beginning? And if so, well.. I dunno. That's rather amusing!
Good to read another light entry! Enjoyed reading it~
Anyways, generally this kind of idea is handled with some doom and gloom with a dash of serious moral reflection, but you take it for a rather comedic spin which I really enjoyed. It's really quite refreshing to see god act so carefree, so human. And although his angels are being commanded, I think it's absolutely hilarious how Michael is able to instantly change.
And I'm with FGRaptor, this just begs to see what happens in 500 years. This feels like a prologue to something far larger, or maybe it's just a set up for another comedic routine. Either way, you've lead me on successfully enough to want more!
As for some things you might want to look at...
The fact that god knows that he only has .0001% of his former power bugs me. I mean, I think it would just make more sense for him to say he has a tiny fraction of his power or something.
Also, towards the end, with the fight with Lucifer, there are rays of light going here and there, but I don't know who or what is causing them. Some clarification during that scene would've been nice. And what the heck! Why are they using their cellphones to activate light ray traps XD. Now that was strange. Were they using electronics to fire their rays from the beginning? And if so, well.. I dunno. That's rather amusing!
Good to read another light entry! Enjoyed reading it~
0
xninebreaker wrote...
That escalated quickly! Did not expect things to get so wild so fast.Anyways, generally this kind of idea is handled with some doom and gloom with a dash of serious moral reflection, but you take it for a rather comedic spin which I really enjoyed. It's really quite refreshing to see god act so carefree, so human. And although his angels are being commanded, I think it's absolutely hilarious how Michael is able to instantly change.
And I'm with FGRaptor, this just begs to see what happens in 500 years. This feels like a prologue to something far larger, or maybe it's just a set up for another comedic routine. Either way, you've lead me on successfully enough to want more!
As for some things you might want to look at...
The fact that god knows that he only has .0001% of his former power bugs me. I mean, I think it would just make more sense for him to say he has a tiny fraction of his power or something.
Also, towards the end, with the fight with Lucifer, there are rays of light going here and there, but I don't know who or what is causing them. Some clarification during that scene would've been nice. And what the heck! Why are they using their cellphones to activate light ray traps XD. Now that was strange. Were they using electronics to fire their rays from the beginning? And if so, well.. I dunno. That's rather amusing!
Good to read another light entry! Enjoyed reading it~
Yeah,I agree with the 0.0001 one. I think I'm doing way too many thesis for my college and that comes out lol.
The light ray and all is Michael calling the "heaven" to shoot Lucifer and use it to call Gabriel to prepare the trap. It's referenced from a manga called "Saint Onii-san" where Jesus called Michael lol.