[Winter Contest Entry 2013] An Exposition of the Mind
3
mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
Quickly composed over two hours and beer. Been two months since I did any writing and I'm impatient to dish something out (and Kierre 14 will take a while regardless of how impatient I am) so here goes. If MS Word is to be believed, it's 2002 words with the title, so the thing is 1997 words.
I hope it's cold enough for winter. I'm not too sure about the title but whatever, beer justifies a lot of things.
An Exposition of the Mind
Enough bitching, let the insulting/praising commence.
I hope it's cold enough for winter. I'm not too sure about the title but whatever, beer justifies a lot of things.
An Exposition of the Mind
Spoiler:
Enough bitching, let the insulting/praising commence.
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I did my entry with a fever around 3 in the morning. No alcohol though I am quite sure there were drugs in my system. Paracetamol to be precise.
Expositing the Mind is more grammatically correct.
However, if you ask me to write a story about that, I will do a documentary script about the brain and leave poor d(^_^)(^_^)d scratching his head.
Allow me to say what I think the title ought to be.
'Explaining How I Feel'.
Both of you will resent me for saying this, but it reads like what high would have produced a few years ago which is a 'slice of a life' story with a lot of inner monologue. If his entry included a woman or a few characters and a plot, his entry would be quite similar to yours.
It felt as if what you and high had submitted actually happened. (Mine did not. It was a standard leonard267 monologue, the kind you detest.)
A few things confounded me.
The first is a very a small nitpick. What was the protagonist's occupation? It was not well established but seeing that the emphasis of the story is on the relationship between the protagonist and the female lead, I ignored it.
Why were there so few intimate scenes in the story? I read this entry thinking that our protagonist is going to make an attempt at procreation. I had what I wanted in the end but it was an anticlimactic line about them filming themselves having a go at each other and another line saying that it felt good.
Just as anticlimactic were the final paragraphs and the final line of the story where our protagonist wanted to reject her and then rejected her. For all of the exposition on what had happened, even those that suggested that our protagonist was not committed to the relationship to begin with, I never expected that last line which suggested that he liked being single.
If he were to say that was guilt that fuelled this relationship as well as ended it, I felt it would make more sense. Perhaps some mushy line like, "You are too good for me." , "You wouldn't want someone like me." etc. etc.
I wouldn't suggest this to High, but there are grammatical errors here and there, and some expressions which I thought can be improved. The organisers of this event love to nitpick grammatical errors. Allow me to point out one or two errors other than the title:
1. Celcius (Celsius)
2. of winter Europe (the freezing air of a European winter)
3. sure, it was going to cover the same field of ... (Sure, it was...)
4. To be honest, I was not particularly excited about attending it (The use of ellipses)
5. That was the usual dynamics of our interaction. (Not comfortable with that. Something simpler like, 'That was how we interacted with each other.' reads more smoothly.)
I suppose this entry ties in with the theme in the sense that the protagonist is 'cold'.
Expositing the Mind is more grammatically correct.
However, if you ask me to write a story about that, I will do a documentary script about the brain and leave poor d(^_^)(^_^)d scratching his head.
Allow me to say what I think the title ought to be.
'Explaining How I Feel'.
Both of you will resent me for saying this, but it reads like what high would have produced a few years ago which is a 'slice of a life' story with a lot of inner monologue. If his entry included a woman or a few characters and a plot, his entry would be quite similar to yours.
It felt as if what you and high had submitted actually happened. (Mine did not. It was a standard leonard267 monologue, the kind you detest.)
A few things confounded me.
The first is a very a small nitpick. What was the protagonist's occupation? It was not well established but seeing that the emphasis of the story is on the relationship between the protagonist and the female lead, I ignored it.
Why were there so few intimate scenes in the story? I read this entry thinking that our protagonist is going to make an attempt at procreation. I had what I wanted in the end but it was an anticlimactic line about them filming themselves having a go at each other and another line saying that it felt good.
Just as anticlimactic were the final paragraphs and the final line of the story where our protagonist wanted to reject her and then rejected her. For all of the exposition on what had happened, even those that suggested that our protagonist was not committed to the relationship to begin with, I never expected that last line which suggested that he liked being single.
If he were to say that was guilt that fuelled this relationship as well as ended it, I felt it would make more sense. Perhaps some mushy line like, "You are too good for me." , "You wouldn't want someone like me." etc. etc.
I wouldn't suggest this to High, but there are grammatical errors here and there, and some expressions which I thought can be improved. The organisers of this event love to nitpick grammatical errors. Allow me to point out one or two errors other than the title:
1. Celcius (Celsius)
2. of winter Europe (the freezing air of a European winter)
3. sure, it was going to cover the same field of ... (Sure, it was...)
4. To be honest, I was not particularly excited about attending it (The use of ellipses)
5. That was the usual dynamics of our interaction. (Not comfortable with that. Something simpler like, 'That was how we interacted with each other.' reads more smoothly.)
I suppose this entry ties in with the theme in the sense that the protagonist is 'cold'.
0
Livided
FAKKU Writer
leonard267 managed to point out most of what I was going to say, but I will give a short amount of feedback to what my impression was.
I dunno if it is the same to others, but to me the starting paragraph managed to grab my attention and urge me to read on, which is always an important thing to have in any writing.
Just like Leonard267 pointed out however, quite a few grammar errors that kept poking me in the eye, reminding me I am reading a story and not experiencing it though. Also to me a lot of sentences were really short and the "flow" of the writing seemed to cease every once in a wall in odd ways.
Overal I did enjoy the story though and I have no regrets of the time spent reading it. =)
I dunno if it is the same to others, but to me the starting paragraph managed to grab my attention and urge me to read on, which is always an important thing to have in any writing.
Just like Leonard267 pointed out however, quite a few grammar errors that kept poking me in the eye, reminding me I am reading a story and not experiencing it though. Also to me a lot of sentences were really short and the "flow" of the writing seemed to cease every once in a wall in odd ways.
Overal I did enjoy the story though and I have no regrets of the time spent reading it. =)
0
mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
Thanks for the responses. Holy fuck I didn't know how to spell Celsius.
@leo:
I actually prefer the current title. This was intended to be an internal monologue in its entirety, save for the "..." parts, where words were actually spoken. So Tarou was not trying to explain how he felt, but instead it was more like us taking a peek as he experienced things.
I did not explain much about the job/past etc because I did not think it relevant to the main story but all characters are graduate students.
Because it was anticlimatic. Tarou was inexperienced. All he knew about the act was not from direct experience. So he believed (or at least, wanted to believe) that it was really as great as people make it out to be and was excited to find out about it himself. Which he did... but he found it to be very underwhelming. While he admitted that it felt good to him, there was more disappointment in him due to him being disillusioned.
Similarly, the case of relationships. Guilt was not what he felt. He approached the thing with the general preconception that hug is this magical thing that automatically establishes some sort of connection between people, that the warmth will melt any heart etc... but when he tried it himself, that was not the case. "Sure, it was warm..." he would say, but one can imagine him adding immediately, "but that's about it. There's nothing special." He decided that if he was to feel no connection anyway, that he would feel as isolated as ever, he would be better off single. The way he saw it, being in a relationship is all the hassles without the pleasures. And that was with someone he liked, mind you. He still liked her, but as things were, he liked being alone more.
On the suggested changes:
1- Duh I'm so stupid. Corrected.
2-
3- Yup, accepted all these.
4-
5- While you're right, it felt less Tarou-like so I don't accept this.
@Livided
Can you provide some examples of the flow problem?
@leo:
I actually prefer the current title. This was intended to be an internal monologue in its entirety, save for the "..." parts, where words were actually spoken. So Tarou was not trying to explain how he felt, but instead it was more like us taking a peek as he experienced things.
I did not explain much about the job/past etc because I did not think it relevant to the main story but all characters are graduate students.
Because it was anticlimatic. Tarou was inexperienced. All he knew about the act was not from direct experience. So he believed (or at least, wanted to believe) that it was really as great as people make it out to be and was excited to find out about it himself. Which he did... but he found it to be very underwhelming. While he admitted that it felt good to him, there was more disappointment in him due to him being disillusioned.
Similarly, the case of relationships. Guilt was not what he felt. He approached the thing with the general preconception that hug is this magical thing that automatically establishes some sort of connection between people, that the warmth will melt any heart etc... but when he tried it himself, that was not the case. "Sure, it was warm..." he would say, but one can imagine him adding immediately, "but that's about it. There's nothing special." He decided that if he was to feel no connection anyway, that he would feel as isolated as ever, he would be better off single. The way he saw it, being in a relationship is all the hassles without the pleasures. And that was with someone he liked, mind you. He still liked her, but as things were, he liked being alone more.
On the suggested changes:
1- Duh I'm so stupid. Corrected.
2-
3- Yup, accepted all these.
4-
5- While you're right, it felt less Tarou-like so I don't accept this.
@Livided
Can you provide some examples of the flow problem?
1
Livided
FAKKU Writer
I went over the text briefly again trying to find some of the more pokingly parts I remember making me write this but cant find em, I am either a lier or a idiot. xD
But the MINOR flow issues are the consistant use of very short sentences. Maybe I just write too long sentences and then when I see normal ones I feel it cuts off the flow, I dunno. I will give it a deeper read again later to see if I can provide you the bigger worries I had, but for now I shall retreat and use the small sentences as what threw me off. =P
But the MINOR flow issues are the consistant use of very short sentences. Maybe I just write too long sentences and then when I see normal ones I feel it cuts off the flow, I dunno. I will give it a deeper read again later to see if I can provide you the bigger worries I had, but for now I shall retreat and use the small sentences as what threw me off. =P
1
I find it very easy to relate to this story and sympathize with Tarou. Well, I've never been in a situation where I had the opportunity to sleep with someone for pure pleasure, but the ideas of peer pressure and struggling to make the right choices are things I'm sure everyone has dealt with. That's about all I have to say. It's not entirely free of grammar issues, but I don't think I'm allowed to go into any specifics.
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I never had been in such a relationship or known anyone in such a relationship so maybe that was the reason why I thought it was guilt and had difficulty understanding your explanation for his behaviour.
Our protagonist pursued a relationship out of curiosity, did not feel good about it and ended it in the end. Was that what you meant?
I feel that the entry can do more with emphasising the problems our protagonist had with the relationship. Was a woman breathing down his neck robbing him of his freedom? What made him value being alone more than having a loving partner? That was why I was scratching my head at the very last line of the entry.
More annoying questions and remarks:
And why so little sex?
What is cold about the entry?
"Expository" is an adjective not a noun.
Our protagonist pursued a relationship out of curiosity, did not feel good about it and ended it in the end. Was that what you meant?
I feel that the entry can do more with emphasising the problems our protagonist had with the relationship. Was a woman breathing down his neck robbing him of his freedom? What made him value being alone more than having a loving partner? That was why I was scratching my head at the very last line of the entry.
More annoying questions and remarks:
And why so little sex?
What is cold about the entry?
"Expository" is an adjective not a noun.
0
mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
@d:
Haha yeah. Maybe you can say more after it's over.
@leo:
Well, not quite but I guess that's close enough. It was not her that he had a problem with, it's himself.
And it does not have much to do with the loss of freedom either. "It's pleasant, but this is not what I want" kind of emotion... I'm not sure if that conveys the point well.
Because this follows the viewpoint of Tarou and sex was pretty low on the list of things he finds memorable.
That is something I leave to the judgment of the readers.
I'm aware, but I don't know any other word that fits the meaning better... lemme do some search.Holy fuck ore wa aho daaaa...
Haha yeah. Maybe you can say more after it's over.
@leo:
Well, not quite but I guess that's close enough. It was not her that he had a problem with, it's himself.
And it does not have much to do with the loss of freedom either. "It's pleasant, but this is not what I want" kind of emotion... I'm not sure if that conveys the point well.
Because this follows the viewpoint of Tarou and sex was pretty low on the list of things he finds memorable.
That is something I leave to the judgment of the readers.
I'm aware, but I don't know any other word that fits the meaning better... lemme do some search.Holy fuck ore wa aho daaaa...
0
never been into a relationship but heard quite a number of stuff involving bitter romance so I could somehow relate.
the story intrigues me in such a way I can somehow imagine it actually happening. I kind of like this way of narration just like reading a blog entry. I've read about similar experiences somewhere and it's like that. relationships can be complicated sometimes, and you'll never know what the girl was actually thinking and acting, so unpredictable. even the male partner himself will often do crazy things because of being madly in love or somewhat.
going in-depth a take about the darker side and the more realistic side of romance, that things doesn't always go according to what the lovey-dovey stories taught you.
reading this, it kind of reminded myself some bits of the novel Norwegian Wood. some parts of it described the frustration of youth of wanting to satisfy their carnal urges but eventually found themselves getting deeper towards emptiness, the parts of the entry which made myself reminisce about it gave me a positive feel. it's a good addition to what was already an easy-to-relate narrative.
in the end I kind of sympathized with the protagonist, even though the relationship was due to his urges and such. he felt like deciding something else that he won't be hurt any further - if I'm reading this correctly. it might end up for the bad stuff, but at least I want to think that he eventually reached the kind of wholeness he longed for.
overall I think this is a nicely written food of thought. glad you finally decided to join in. last but not least, sorry for the things happening before when I'm just merely acting immature and let my emotions take over me.
keep up the good work =D
the story intrigues me in such a way I can somehow imagine it actually happening. I kind of like this way of narration just like reading a blog entry. I've read about similar experiences somewhere and it's like that. relationships can be complicated sometimes, and you'll never know what the girl was actually thinking and acting, so unpredictable. even the male partner himself will often do crazy things because of being madly in love or somewhat.
going in-depth a take about the darker side and the more realistic side of romance, that things doesn't always go according to what the lovey-dovey stories taught you.
reading this, it kind of reminded myself some bits of the novel Norwegian Wood. some parts of it described the frustration of youth of wanting to satisfy their carnal urges but eventually found themselves getting deeper towards emptiness, the parts of the entry which made myself reminisce about it gave me a positive feel. it's a good addition to what was already an easy-to-relate narrative.
in the end I kind of sympathized with the protagonist, even though the relationship was due to his urges and such. he felt like deciding something else that he won't be hurt any further - if I'm reading this correctly. it might end up for the bad stuff, but at least I want to think that he eventually reached the kind of wholeness he longed for.
overall I think this is a nicely written food of thought. glad you finally decided to join in. last but not least, sorry for the things happening before when I'm just merely acting immature and let my emotions take over me.
keep up the good work =D
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
high_time wrote...
never been into a relationship but heard quite a number of stuff involving bitter romance so I could somehow relate.the story intrigues me in such a way I can somehow imagine it actually happening. I kind of like this way of narration just like reading a blog entry. I've read about similar experiences somewhere and it's like that. relationships can be complicated sometimes, and you'll never know what the girl was actually thinking and acting, so unpredictable. even the male partner himself will often do crazy things because of being madly in love or somewhat.
going in-depth a take about the darker side and the more realistic side of romance, that things doesn't always go according to what the lovey-dovey stories taught you.
reading this, it kind of reminded myself some bits of the novel Norwegian Wood. some parts of it described the frustration of youth of wanting to satisfy their carnal urges but eventually found themselves getting deeper towards emptiness, the parts of the entry which made myself reminisce about it gave me a positive feel. it's a good addition to what was already an easy-to-relate narrative.
in the end I kind of sympathized with the protagonist, even though the relationship was due to his urges and such. he felt like deciding something else that he won't be hurt any further - if I'm reading this correctly. it might end up for the bad stuff, but at least I want to think that he eventually reached the kind of wholeness he longed for.
overall I think this is a nicely written food of thought. glad you finally decided to join in. last but not least, sorry for the things happening before when I'm just merely acting immature and let my emotions take over me.
keep up the good work =D
Norwegian Wood?! It makes so much sense now!
0
leonard267 wrote...
Norwegian Wood?! It makes so much sense now!yeah. and I reckon you like the absurdity of that reading =D
also, Watanabe's roommate
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
high_time wrote...
leonard267 wrote...
Norwegian Wood?! It makes so much sense now!yeah. and I reckon you like the absurdity of that reading =D
also, Watanabe's roommate
Norwegian Wood, as I said, is a bizarre novel where the characters have unhealthy obsessions with sex and suicide! Utter nihilism! The entry smacks of it!
0
leonard267 wrote...
Norwegian Wood, as I said, is a bizarre novel where the characters have unhealthy obsessions with sex and suicide! Utter nihilism! The entry smacks of it!
oh lol, I won't really think about Norwegian Wood as a nihilist novel. I think it actually taught me a lot of things about life I didn't know yet. similar feel when I watched Paranoia Agent by Satoshi Kon.
this entry took a different approach, more on the blog entry take, still it bears the similar part about sex and emptiness after it.
I feel we might want to take it somewhere else like the Writers' Lounge as not to derail the thread.
1
mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
Thanks for the feedback. I never even heard of Norwegian Wood so I can't comment on that... but glad you liked it. But anyway...
...wut. I don't remember you doing anything (to me at least) that made the apology necessary.
high_time wrote...
last but not least, sorry for the things happening before when I'm just merely acting immature and let my emotions take over me. ...wut. I don't remember you doing anything (to me at least) that made the apology necessary.
1
Grammar: Meh - I would have to agree with Leonard in this sense. I just wanted to clarify that there were a bunch in random passages- here's two of them...
"She kept (going) on and on..."
"All I had to do was to(<-- No) ask questions..."
Story Flow: The flow of the story was actually easy to follow despite the clear cuts of separation. It flowed fairly nicely together and made getting into the story simple.
Topical/Theme: Yes. Winter all around, Main Character has some dark feelings.
Genre: Slice of Life
Main Perspective: Love ain't easy, love ain't quick, if you love someone, do it right.
Personals: First of all, SADNESS. The end of the story hit pretty home for me as that's how I had felt with a girl I once liked after leaving, doing stuff, then going back home to meet her. It just felt all kinds of wrong. I kind of smiled when the friend said, "Physical experiences." The story enjoyable from the start as it was a pretty decent slice-of-life story... that said...
I agree with Leonard's points about the plot. I never got a feel for the main character aside from the fact that he was cold. What of his past, his fears or loves? What did he do that made him enjoy solace so much? Then again we never actually got into the girl's character either. In fact, I was able to gleam more off the friend's character of "Physical experiences" than the other two for some reason. Maybe its because he's more relatable.
I do disagree with Leonard about more intimate experiences. That made a lot of sense especially with that ending. He knew the relationship was a bad idea and he was speaking out of his most primal urges, but that didn't stop him. It makes it kind of sad that he's not even ignorant to what he was doing, but willingly failed.
Finally, I wanted to say your story was good. I enjoyed it a lot. I would say expand on it when you can, clean out the slower parts when you read it, and for the LOVE OF GOD use commas before a quote. I have issues when. "People write about something," said CoffeePrince. "and never finish the thought in a coherent clause.
"She kept (going) on and on..."
"All I had to do was to(<-- No) ask questions..."
Story Flow: The flow of the story was actually easy to follow despite the clear cuts of separation. It flowed fairly nicely together and made getting into the story simple.
Topical/Theme: Yes. Winter all around, Main Character has some dark feelings.
Genre: Slice of Life
Main Perspective: Love ain't easy, love ain't quick, if you love someone, do it right.
Personals: First of all, SADNESS. The end of the story hit pretty home for me as that's how I had felt with a girl I once liked after leaving, doing stuff, then going back home to meet her. It just felt all kinds of wrong. I kind of smiled when the friend said, "Physical experiences." The story enjoyable from the start as it was a pretty decent slice-of-life story... that said...
I agree with Leonard's points about the plot. I never got a feel for the main character aside from the fact that he was cold. What of his past, his fears or loves? What did he do that made him enjoy solace so much? Then again we never actually got into the girl's character either. In fact, I was able to gleam more off the friend's character of "Physical experiences" than the other two for some reason. Maybe its because he's more relatable.
I do disagree with Leonard about more intimate experiences. That made a lot of sense especially with that ending. He knew the relationship was a bad idea and he was speaking out of his most primal urges, but that didn't stop him. It makes it kind of sad that he's not even ignorant to what he was doing, but willingly failed.
Finally, I wanted to say your story was good. I enjoyed it a lot. I would say expand on it when you can, clean out the slower parts when you read it, and for the LOVE OF GOD use commas before a quote. I have issues when. "People write about something," said CoffeePrince. "and never finish the thought in a coherent clause.
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
CoffeePrince wrote...
Grammar: Meh - I would have to agree with Leonard in this sense. I just wanted to clarify that there were a bunch in random passages- here's two of them..."She kept (going) on and on..."
"All I had to do was to(<-- No) ask questions..."
Story Flow: The flow of the story was actually easy to follow despite the clear cuts of separation. It flowed fairly nicely together and made getting into the story simple.
Topical/Theme: Yes. Winter all around, Main Character has some dark feelings.
Genre: Slice of Life
Main Perspective: Love ain't easy, love ain't quick, if you love someone, do it right.
Personals: First of all, SADNESS. The end of the story hit pretty home for me as that's how I had felt with a girl I once liked after leaving, doing stuff, then going back home to meet her. It just felt all kinds of wrong. I kind of smiled when the friend said, "Physical experiences." The story enjoyable from the start as it was a pretty decent slice-of-life story... that said...
I agree with Leonard's points about the plot. I never got a feel for the main character aside from the fact that he was cold. What of his past, his fears or loves? What did he do that made him enjoy solace so much? Then again we never actually got into the girl's character either. In fact, I was able to gleam more off the friend's character of "Physical experiences" than the other two for some reason. Maybe its because he's more relatable.
I do disagree with Leonard about more intimate experiences. That made a lot of sense especially with that ending. He knew the relationship was a bad idea and he was speaking out of his most primal urges, but that didn't stop him. It makes it kind of sad that he's not even ignorant to what he was doing, but willingly failed.
Finally, I wanted to say your story was good. I enjoyed it a lot. I would say expand on it when you can, clean out the slower parts when you read it, and for the LOVE OF GOD use commas before a quote. I have issues when. "People write about something," said CoffeePrince. "and never finish the thought in a coherent clause.
You don't read the story for sex?! Norwegian Wood is full of that I can assure you, and that entry is similar to that novel now that high_time mentioned it. While Mibuchiha is no Murakami Haruki, it is good he came up this entry nonetheless.
0
mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
Thanks for the comments. In the interest of the contest I will not edit the entry for the errors pointed out.
This, I don't fully understand though. "People write about something," said CoffeePrince. "And never finish the thought in a coherent clause." That seems like a complete thought to me. I will agree that it's not the most grammatically correct sentence though, but as far as completeness goes, I see no problem whatsoever.
@leo:
Staying within the limit was not as easy as I thought. Well I doubt I would write more on the sex regardless, but I agree the whole thing could use more fleshing out.
Finally, I wanted to say your story was good. I enjoyed it a lot. I would say expand on it when you can, clean out the slower parts when you read it, and for the LOVE OF GOD use commas before a quote. I have issues when. "People write about something," said CoffeePrince. "and never finish the thought in a coherent clause.
This, I don't fully understand though. "People write about something," said CoffeePrince. "And never finish the thought in a coherent clause." That seems like a complete thought to me. I will agree that it's not the most grammatically correct sentence though, but as far as completeness goes, I see no problem whatsoever.
@leo:
Staying within the limit was not as easy as I thought. Well I doubt I would write more on the sex regardless, but I agree the whole thing could use more fleshing out.
1
FGRaptor
FAKKU Writer
A nice story, though I do not find the title fitting here. I found it enjoyable to read and well written. Tarou seems like an interesting enough guy.
There are some issues with sentence structure, poor choice of words, and punctuation in parts, but language seems fine to me overall, so I won’t go into too much detail here.
I don’t think presenting the chat based dialogue in the form of normal dialogue works. It should be written more like chat messages – especially in its form. This wouldn’t be such a big problem if there was only chat message dialogue here, but there is real dialogue as well – between Tarou and Kouji – which is presented in the same way.
What cheapens the story for me is the lack of detail. The important parts of the story are told in bulky paragraphs, but we get no specifics. We are only told that there are specifics – but not what they actually are. Events from his childhood, his teenage years – well, what happened? Let us know some events – this is content. This is what drives the conversation – which we do not see for some reason – and what drives the actions towards the climax.
The same is done when Aiko talks – again we see no details. We are told that Tarou finds out how it came to be and how it ended – but why don’t you just say exactly how it came to be and how it ended? You missed a great chance to grow the characters here. The same goes for Tarou’s whereabouts and the character’s occupations, as others have noted. These are details that are needed in such a story that depends on characters and their relationships.
The ending was a bit confusing and underwhelming. In the next-to-last scene there is talk of the appointed date coming closer, then it’s the end of a day, and Tarou has Aiko sleeping in his embrace… I assume he was imagining what might happen here? In the last scene we find out that it’s still before the appointed date and they have not yet met and Tarou cancels the meeting.
I really expected more here. His realization of what he wants – his finding of his self – seems rushed. Nothing really happened to cause such an event. If this had happened after meeting with Aiko – after seeing reality and thus coming to this conclusion – then I would have understood. However, the way he just finds his answer by imagining things seems like an easy way out and somehow fake.
Final Thoughts:
I find this to be a very relatable story. It is enjoyable to read and well written. As the story is dependent on the characters and their relationships (especially Tarou and Aiko – but also Tarou and Kouji, he is, after all, the only person Tarou can touch) it would be better to have more details about them revealed so the reader can relate to them more easily and get attached to them.
More distinctive quirks and speech patterns may also help to distinguish the characters – since the main dialogue is in chat form you have a lot of unused potential here.
I also understand that the anticlimax was your intent, but it does cheapen the story for me.
There are some issues with sentence structure, poor choice of words, and punctuation in parts, but language seems fine to me overall, so I won’t go into too much detail here.
I don’t think presenting the chat based dialogue in the form of normal dialogue works. It should be written more like chat messages – especially in its form. This wouldn’t be such a big problem if there was only chat message dialogue here, but there is real dialogue as well – between Tarou and Kouji – which is presented in the same way.
What cheapens the story for me is the lack of detail. The important parts of the story are told in bulky paragraphs, but we get no specifics. We are only told that there are specifics – but not what they actually are. Events from his childhood, his teenage years – well, what happened? Let us know some events – this is content. This is what drives the conversation – which we do not see for some reason – and what drives the actions towards the climax.
The same is done when Aiko talks – again we see no details. We are told that Tarou finds out how it came to be and how it ended – but why don’t you just say exactly how it came to be and how it ended? You missed a great chance to grow the characters here. The same goes for Tarou’s whereabouts and the character’s occupations, as others have noted. These are details that are needed in such a story that depends on characters and their relationships.
The ending was a bit confusing and underwhelming. In the next-to-last scene there is talk of the appointed date coming closer, then it’s the end of a day, and Tarou has Aiko sleeping in his embrace… I assume he was imagining what might happen here? In the last scene we find out that it’s still before the appointed date and they have not yet met and Tarou cancels the meeting.
I really expected more here. His realization of what he wants – his finding of his self – seems rushed. Nothing really happened to cause such an event. If this had happened after meeting with Aiko – after seeing reality and thus coming to this conclusion – then I would have understood. However, the way he just finds his answer by imagining things seems like an easy way out and somehow fake.
Final Thoughts:
I find this to be a very relatable story. It is enjoyable to read and well written. As the story is dependent on the characters and their relationships (especially Tarou and Aiko – but also Tarou and Kouji, he is, after all, the only person Tarou can touch) it would be better to have more details about them revealed so the reader can relate to them more easily and get attached to them.
More distinctive quirks and speech patterns may also help to distinguish the characters – since the main dialogue is in chat form you have a lot of unused potential here.
I also understand that the anticlimax was your intent, but it does cheapen the story for me.
0
mibuchiha
Fakku Elder
Thank you for the wonderful comments.
Uh oh.
Can you clarify why? The story was written from the perspective of Tarou's inner mind and the chat is presented in the same way as spoken dialogue because it was all the same to him; exchanges of thoughts.
Yeah, I totally agree that Tarou could use more explaining. The lack of explanation for Aiko was intentional to a degree because as I mentioned above, this work follows Tarou's thoughts. Note how Tarou only remarked about the things she told him in passing... to him, they were boring. Not boring because she was a boring person, as if that was the case he wouldn't have liked her, but boring in the sense of everyone having such a story behind them. In this regard he saw her (and everyone else and most importantly, himself) as nobody special. That was why he only told her things about him that 'seem personal' to her... to him, they were not. They were merely events in his past. Facts, so to speak.
No, it did happen. I don't understand how you read it as he was imagining things... the meeting happened. They did spend a day together. Maybe again, because it was remarked only in passing, but that is just the way Tarou is.
Yeah, Kouji is another part that I should've explained more about. It was my limitations as a writer, but I found it difficult to decide which to explain and which to omit. Originally it followed a third person perspective with some fleshing out, but that went easily past 4k so I had to scrap it. After some thinking I decided to simply write it Tarou-like and that still reached 2.5k... so after some pruning (perhaps excessive?) I ended with the current version, at 199x.
Glad that you liked it.
There are some issues with sentence structure, poor choice of words, and punctuation in parts, but language seems fine to me overall, so I won’t go into too much detail here.
Uh oh.
I don’t think presenting the chat based dialogue in the form of normal dialogue works. It should be written more like chat messages – especially in its form. This wouldn’t be such a big problem if there was only chat message dialogue here, but there is real dialogue as well – between Tarou and Kouji – which is presented in the same way.
Can you clarify why? The story was written from the perspective of Tarou's inner mind and the chat is presented in the same way as spoken dialogue because it was all the same to him; exchanges of thoughts.
What cheapens the story for me is the lack of detail. The important parts of the story are told in bulky paragraphs, but we get no specifics. We are only told that there are specifics – but not what they actually are. Events from his childhood, his teenage years – well, what happened? Let us know some events – this is content. This is what drives the conversation – which we do not see for some reason – and what drives the actions towards the climax.
The same is done when Aiko talks – again we see no details. We are told that Tarou finds out how it came to be and how it ended – but why don’t you just say exactly how it came to be and how it ended? You missed a great chance to grow the characters here. The same goes for Tarou’s whereabouts and the character’s occupations, as others have noted. These are details that are needed in such a story that depends on characters and their relationships.
The same is done when Aiko talks – again we see no details. We are told that Tarou finds out how it came to be and how it ended – but why don’t you just say exactly how it came to be and how it ended? You missed a great chance to grow the characters here. The same goes for Tarou’s whereabouts and the character’s occupations, as others have noted. These are details that are needed in such a story that depends on characters and their relationships.
Yeah, I totally agree that Tarou could use more explaining. The lack of explanation for Aiko was intentional to a degree because as I mentioned above, this work follows Tarou's thoughts. Note how Tarou only remarked about the things she told him in passing... to him, they were boring. Not boring because she was a boring person, as if that was the case he wouldn't have liked her, but boring in the sense of everyone having such a story behind them. In this regard he saw her (and everyone else and most importantly, himself) as nobody special. That was why he only told her things about him that 'seem personal' to her... to him, they were not. They were merely events in his past. Facts, so to speak.
The ending was a bit confusing and underwhelming. In the next-to-last scene there is talk of the appointed date coming closer, then it’s the end of a day, and Tarou has Aiko sleeping in his embrace… I assume he was imagining what might happen here? In the last scene we find out that it’s still before the appointed date and they have not yet met and Tarou cancels the meeting.
No, it did happen. I don't understand how you read it as he was imagining things... the meeting happened. They did spend a day together. Maybe again, because it was remarked only in passing, but that is just the way Tarou is.
I find this to be a very relatable story. It is enjoyable to read and well written. As the story is dependent on the characters and their relationships (especially Tarou and Aiko – but also Tarou and Kouji, he is, after all, the only person Tarou can touch) it would be better to have more details about them revealed so the reader can relate to them more easily and get attached to them.
Yeah, Kouji is another part that I should've explained more about. It was my limitations as a writer, but I found it difficult to decide which to explain and which to omit. Originally it followed a third person perspective with some fleshing out, but that went easily past 4k so I had to scrap it. After some thinking I decided to simply write it Tarou-like and that still reached 2.5k... so after some pruning (perhaps excessive?) I ended with the current version, at 199x.
Glad that you liked it.
1
When reading your entry I felt like I was watching an animated short, just a short and simple story which only have two main characters developing their own relationship. It was not bad. I can't believe though, that you wrote about Japanese people and their struggle in their youth, but you have not heard of the name Murakami Haruki. It find your entry, after high_time mentioned it, bears an awful similairity to his most reknown book, Norwegian Wood. I recommend you the book, although it could appear to be very nonsensical, even absurd to some, or even most people, because of its way of telling the story, but it is indeed a good book. I also recommend one my favorite works from him, a trilogy titled 1Q84. FGRaptor's way of changing the perspective is similar to the one that was used to write theses books.
Enough of that, I'll go into the feedback now.
The story was kept short and interesting. On the other hand, I agree with FGRaptor that the characters should had been given more details. It was sweet and bitter at the same time. I didn't find any error when I read through it, like some people have claimed there were. Maybe you went back and fix those after the comments.
I don't have problem with the storyline. But I do have some for the characters. Firstly, you Told us Tarou was teasing Aiko, and then turn into 'flirt-ty' mode by saying "I want to go only if you're there". Tarou and Aiko acted really imitate in the first paragraph, but later on, you said they barely talk to each other. I think they're quite contradicting.
I'm sorry to say this, but I seriously hate that ending. Unsatisfying as it is, you didn't give the explanation why Torou is like that throughout the course of the story. That makes an even bigger minus for me. I also think it doesn't sound realistic when making a girl open up so much for a guy she barely knows. These details make it harder to relate to the characters and the story as an outsider.
Overall, besides from the points I've said, I think you did a good job in writing this short story. Wish you luck in the poll.
Enough of that, I'll go into the feedback now.
The story was kept short and interesting. On the other hand, I agree with FGRaptor that the characters should had been given more details. It was sweet and bitter at the same time. I didn't find any error when I read through it, like some people have claimed there were. Maybe you went back and fix those after the comments.
I don't have problem with the storyline. But I do have some for the characters. Firstly, you Told us Tarou was teasing Aiko, and then turn into 'flirt-ty' mode by saying "I want to go only if you're there". Tarou and Aiko acted really imitate in the first paragraph, but later on, you said they barely talk to each other. I think they're quite contradicting.
I'm sorry to say this, but I seriously hate that ending. Unsatisfying as it is, you didn't give the explanation why Torou is like that throughout the course of the story. That makes an even bigger minus for me. I also think it doesn't sound realistic when making a girl open up so much for a guy she barely knows. These details make it harder to relate to the characters and the story as an outsider.
Overall, besides from the points I've said, I think you did a good job in writing this short story. Wish you luck in the poll.