[Winter Contest Entry 2013] Anamnesis

A friend who lived four blocks away moved back to Korea. It's spring and I'd known her for about a year. Although we might not have always seen eye to eye, she enjoyed my face, shared my world-views, smiled whenever she saw me coming towards her, but one day just left without a word. We'd spend mornings getting coffee, it started out with wide smiles, a warm embrace, and Iced Americanos. Then we'd have our days ahead of us. I'd say, What're you doing later? She'd say, Call me. I'd call, and if she wasn't busy we'd be out to dinner. Sometimes I'd run into her in other parts of town, with girlfriends, or on an errand: wide smiles, a warm embrace, happy but brief unrestrained chatter, but not a word about the night before. Dinners varied from Italian, Korean, Mediterranean, and other cuisines that deviated from the mundane, but the night would end with her saying, I had fun, call me later, followed by a kiss on the cheek. I'd call, and she'd make an excuse to call back, then she never would. It wouldn't be until the ritual rendezvous at the coffee shop: a big smile, a good hug, but not a word about the unreturned call. The next day I called, and was struck with the automated response, I'm sorry the number you have reached is not in service.

After a week of waiting I visited her place, but instead I found her girlfriend. Her roomate was surprised to find me looking for her. The roomate's eyes quizzically watched me with concern-- Didn't you know? She left a week ago. She had left for Korea. Several months later in autumn I passed by the neighborhood where she'd stayed, and I realized I missed her terribly; why didn't she tell me? She was a central part of my daily encounters, and just like that, she was gone. No goodbye. Eventually I quit drinking coffee altogether, but every once in awhile I'd stop by the coffee shop to order an Iced Americano.


As autumn nights grew colder, I drive to my dad's house--to remember the anniversary of my grandpa's death. He passed away on Halloween. Every Halloween since, the family is gathered to participate in a shamanistic ritual that grants his spirit to return and visit the human realm. During this ritual his spirit stays and eats with us, and then leaves. Are we shamans? The chilly fall winds welcome him as we open all the doors to the house to let him in; relatives that I haven't seen in years come to pay their respects. Each relative brings a dish that reminds them of my grandpa. When I was growing up he would take me out just me and him to enjoy the fresh persimmons at the local farm-fresh produce. Tears trickle down my cheeks as I've come empty-handed. As the first son of my grandpa's first son, it's my duty to lead my cousins; I bow and offer my grandpa's portrait the dried persimmons my aunt and uncle brought.

My grandpa spent his last weeks in a hospital bed in Korea, and I wouldn't know until about a month later. I never had the chance to tell him goodbye. That night I dream that I'm sauntering through the spring skies, enjoying a fresh persimmon.


My parents had a divorce when I was six after my dad laid a hand on my mom, and bruised her right eye. Police were called, my grandpa, much younger then, showed up to bail my dad out. On the chilly September night I sat with my grandpa on the brick-covered drive-way lamp as the cops dragged my dad away in hand-cuffs.

I wake up eight years old, sitting shotgun in my dad's '96 Maxima, it's winter and he sits in silence-- it's been two years since he last saw his son since the divorce, and has much to say to me, but I can't understand our native tongue. Almost as if to stop the tears, I hear his breaking voice, Have you been well?

Today I find myself at the place of dreams, where I walk past the frozen gardens of hyacinth and chrysanthemum under the December afternoon-- one day I'll wake up with the girl, take strolls with my grandpa and eat his persimmons, and enjoy the sight of my mother and father together.

Yoohan, I have harassed you into participating in this writing event at Incoherent Babbling and am so glad that you have come with an entry. Now allow me, in my words to Livided, to whine and moan about your entry.

One of the moderators called my entry all over the place. I think you will see what I mean if you had the misfortune to go through my entry. It was about 4 disparate ideas almost bearing no connection to each other being forcibly put together into one essay.

The least I can do in such a scenario is to list these four ideas or points and say that they are connected somehow. For my case, I said that these ideas came about as I was scanning through a dictionary entry.

It looks as if for your entry that there are 3 characters, the narrator's friend, the narrator's grandfather and the narrator's father. It is styled almost like an essay where each character is alike a paragraph where a point or argument is forwarded. What is lacking I feel is a proper introduction that would lead to the narrator introducing the characters in the story.

Let me have a go writing an introduction for your entry:

Weather at this time of the year at the Northern Hemisphere would be unbearably chilly. That weather, for me, brought me into deep contemplation about my relationships with three individuals, one whom I wanted to be close to, one whom I was close to but no more, and one whom I ought to be close to.

I'd suppose they, one of them half a world away, one of them departed from the mortal realm and the other physically close to me yet so distant would have to suffer this weather as well. That was all the more reason for me to think about them and for them.

Strange expressions that I hope the organisers would allow me to point out:

Celebrating someone's death anniversary (Marking or commemorating someone's death anniversary surely?)

I found her girlfriend (Was the roommate, double m, the same person as the said woman's girlfriend?)

The title of this entry is called Anamnesis, which appears to be the argument for immortal souls yes? This I think is one of the explanations given for why people throughout the ages have the same opinion and perception on what is good or virtuous behaviour. I would really like to know how does it tie in with the entry.

Now, ignore all of you have read.

I enjoyed this entry.

I have told high_time that I love it when he writes the way you do. If the character feels this way, do tell me why do he or she feels this way.

I think this entry achieves that with experiences, real or otherwise, that explains why the narrator feels that way.

I have to add after reading Mibuchiha's entry, that I would like it as well if the justification for these feelings were good enough and made sense. I think that was done fairly well in the entry though I would like to know more about why he missed his father even though the latter had been less than exemplary a father.

There is a proper conclusion which says why the narrator's thoughts turn to the three persons. I am sure that you know that conclusions are almost the exact same as introductions, content wise. I don't see a problem if you included an introduction.

Now that said and done, I make this demand that I have made before to an acquaintance in the fora:

"When are you going an obligatory 1000 word essay on my most excellent entry?"

https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-contest-entry-2013-an-analysis

PS: I come from a culture similar to yours. Do read one of my monologues about a wedding. It is in the signature.

thank you for your input, allow me to answer your comments:
the characters aren't important: the speaker is.
it's an essay, but it's not the essay you're thinking of, and it doesn't need an intro-- intros are redundant.
uhhh appreciate your comments on diction-- i made changes to the celebrating death.
the idea of anamnesis and its role in the story is made clear with the end in my opinion, i think you may have missed it; first let me explain what anamnesis is, and then how it functions in this essay.
Anamnesis is basically the idea and argument that the soul is immortal, and was thought up to the question of learning by plato because he believed that one doesn't learn anything new, and that people have immortal souls that are reincarnated, and these souls forget what they know from the shock of birth, and spend their lives, remembering what they've forgotten.
First and foremost, i guess i should explain the essay. The essay is basically about the speaker being tooled by abrupt ends in human connection, and it concludes with him basically saying, i want to be in a place where these human connections still exist, whether its in death, or rebirth
in the essay,there are 3 moments for the speaker: the girl leaving his life, and the coffee that constantly reminds him of it, the grandfather's death, and the persimmons that remind him of it, and the divorce, with the father being the continuity to the trauma. the speaker is in a spot where he wants to forget, or more accurately wished the abrupt ends never happened, or found closure in some sort of way. The title anmnesis and the ending together functions in the paper because it offers the speaker resolution, which is a physical death, and the closure of forgetting through rebirth.

My argument was that you will need an introduction just to tell the reader what are you going to talk about. It is a taste I have developed by reading essays and non-fiction. It is hard to read on if I don't know what the story is going to be about.

It also means that I can't appreciate quite a lot of the work in this section. The series some users post here use literary techniques to set up the scenery and action without, in my opinion, explaining why they are doing it and the significance of that location.

The word used in the last paragraph was dreams isn't it? I interpreted most of what I read at face value so I did not associate the entry with death or immortal souls. What I saw is a want or a desire to turn the clock back.

That said:

Please leave a comment on my contest entry!!! Don't you want the chance to get back at me?!!

And the thread about that marriage too. I wonder if weddings held at my part of the world as similar to yours.

Hm. I read the story. And I also read your post explaining it... but I can't quite feel it. The part about the grandpa was good, but how it began with the girl seemed off. I couldn't quite see how it relates, even after you explaining it. It just seemed trivial, although at the same time the speaker seemed to put more weight into it. The divorce was alright.

I suppose just throwing three disconnected bad events without much explaining wouldn't work. And it seemed well below 2k... any reason for the lack of elaboration?

And I think you can do the dialogues a lot better.

thanks i appreciate your input; the reason for the lack of elaboration is that i wanted readers to feel that they wanted more, which is part of the overarching theme of the essay-- i felt that elaborating more to the story would take away from the essay more than it would give it strength.
how doesn't it work?
as for the dialogues, better's relative-- and for me in this spot, less is more.
i also feel like you may have missed the point here; the idea isn't about you getting attached to the characters...... the idea is that everyone, and i mean everyone has moments where abrupt change has affected them for the worse.

I’m not sure what to make of this, especially if I am to treat it as an essay. There is an idea here and it does tie in with the idea of anamnesis – although I think the title carries a lot of weight with it and the story / essay doesn’t seem to match that.

There is nothing too bad about the language apart from issues with sentence structure and run-on sentences. While dialogue could be more clearly defined, I have seen this way done before and it can be a stylistic choice.

The individual parts are disconnected and even after reading your explanations I don’t really see the connection as being well established. There is need here for either connecting paragraphs or a proper conclusion that recaps the previous segments and connects the separate thoughts.

I also cannot agree that intros are redundant – they certainly are not and I don’t think you can ever have a proper essay without one.


Final Thoughts:

The entry seems written well enough, but I don’t think the content manages to be what you want it to be. The title is a strong one, but it is not elaborated on enough. You still had a lot more room left to write within the word count, but say you did not do see to strengthen the meaning of your essay; I don’t think it worked. The parts of the essay feel disconnected and in the end without meaning, as others have said, because there is no satisfying conclusion. I don’t think there is anything wrong with the idea, and it is a good enough try, but I feel it would need more words.

I actually found the individual stories interesting and would like to know more about them, but they all seem to lack endings or conclusions.

Also: “Eventually I quit drinking coffee altogether, but every once in awhile I'd stop by the coffee shop to order an Iced Americano.”

I’m no coffee fanatic, but an Iced Americano is still coffee so he did in fact not stop drinking it altogether. Be precise with your choice of words.

Just to add on to what FGRaptor said an introduction is needed to tie the 3 persons you were describing together. An introduction is needed to make the reader care, in your words, about these 3 persons and why they ought to be reading this.

I am looking and trying to analyze your work looking for more depth, not because it presents your ideas, but rather because it is lacking what you explain in the comments. Now that you've spelled out your intentions, I can see that the characters in your set of stories only serve as catalysts for the speaker's overarching desire for stable human connections, but it's definitely not presented that way.

The amount of detail that you use is highly disproportional as the story goes on, it seems as if the closer you got to the end, the more you began to rush. The attention you gave to developing the girlfriend character and then having it crushed was excellent in my opinion. I was hooked. It was interesting and I could feel the pain and the longing that the speaker was going through. While I expected an extension to this part of the story, I accepted the jarring change to the grandfather's anniversary.

However, in comparison to the previous part, the amount of detail was cut in more than half. Half of that paragraph speaks about the speaker's religious beliefs and ritualistic ceremonies. And then halfway through, we get:

"When I was growing up he would take me out just me and him to enjoy the fresh persimmons at the local farm-fresh produce."

Which is essentially the sole catalyst that is providing the connection between the speaker and the grandfather. I feel like it makes more sense to build the connection that you can then sever so that the reader understands the emotional connection between the speaker and the grandfather. You've already done this in the first part quite well, but the other two parts don't stack up. It's inconsistent.

I firmly believe that expanding on what you have would've helped convey your message considerably.

xnine, thank you for your response, i appreciate the time you took to read and write about my thing; it was certainly rushed, and i definitely could have done more to strengthen the paper; i agree with everything you say. initially i thought it would take away from the paper, but i just didn't do enough.

the first part was already written as a paper, and basically i did the other 2 parts in 10 mins to make it fit, so that I'd have a submission

that jarring sensation... i was trying to have the reader feel that through the whole paper... but i guess it didn't really work the way i thought it would

Parody of y00han's Entry: Not Anamnesis

The parts I liked about your entry are the references to the real world especially foreign and alien cultures. It is the same reason why I liked HumbugsAssociate's description of a funeral ceremony. Now, this parody will attempt to incorporate experiences that are unique in my part of the world written in the style that I prefer:

I am known in this corner of cyberspace as leonard267. I am young, impressionable, optimistic, full of youthful vigour and I am lying. I suppose any observer if polite, slimy and dishonest would say that I prefer a sedentary lifestyle, if objective (and rude) would say that I am a complete recluse who knows no other companion other than that near sentient monster created in the Computer Age known as a computer.

With the year end / early year monsoons wreaking havoc from where I come from, I tend to be stuck indoors to shield myself from the nasty elements of wind, rain and humidity. This means more opportunities to be further insulated from the real world than I am already am! It is in times like these, my mind begins to wander perhaps due to the claustrophobia caused by the four walls of my abode. That made me rather reflective on the not so close relationships I have had with some people, namely some woman, some old woman and some other man. If I had more semblance of a soul, I'd call them a female acquaintance of mine, my grandmother and my uncle. Since I am bored and I would like to bore you, the reader, let me go through my lack of a relationship with the three of them shall we?

Let me begin by talking about some woman also known as a female acquaintance of mine. We shared little to no similarities other than the fact that we reside in a structure that is best described as blocks of pre-fabricated concrete stacked on top of each other like toy bricks also known as a block, of flats. We are expected to live the entirety of our lives in these things. I am expected to build more of these things in the future to serve as enclosures for virtually every living anthropoid as a worker in the construction industry! It is difficult to engage in normal human interaction so I found myself only liking her only because she is a member of the opposite sex instead of the more proper things that would make a relationship work like liking her for reasons other than because she is a member of the opposite sex.

We were aware of each other's existence. She took an interest in me most likely because I looked like an alien to her, metaphorically because leonard267 behaves as if he is extraterrestrial being with no idea on how the world works, literally because when one's mental age is one digit long, one treats the opposite sex as if they are alien spawn. This will obviously disappoint the lecherous reader who have the unreasonable expectation of sexual tension between two adolescents but I took no action. Why the need to get to know her better if I am already comfortable with myself, my computer and my flat? When her parents decided to cash their flat to buy more valuable property to live in, (valuable property meaning yet another one of those bloody flats) she had to move with them. I did get the address and the phone number of their new abode which I lost barely a week later. Was she of any significance? Was the time spent thinking about this well spent? So pointless it was to ponder over these questions, I decided that I should spend time recollecting my relationship with someone supposedly closer.

My mother's mother looked every bit a man with her square face, short hair and deep voice. At least this was how I remembered her when I was an adolescent. However, just like the woman I spoke of just now, I failed to get close with her. Perhaps it was the lack of fascination with the elderly which took some time for me to develop by reading through events that have no relevance whatsoever to the present, also known as the past and buying into the myth that the past offers insight into the present and future. Perhaps it was the language barrier. She spoke a Chinese dialect that sounded like Indo-Chinese which I was taught to detest and with very good reason for that dialect was spoken widely amongst the uneducated and the uncouth; not to mention the schisms caused within the community due to their inability to adopt a common language. Those dialects were a very strong impediment to achieving that commonality of language so needed for a cohesive community.

She had lived through the Second World War, raised a family of nearly ten in the tough and austere times of the not-so-swinging Sixties in my part of the world, her children grew up and what was her reward? Burst blood vessels in her brain due to a fall in the toilet that rendered her an invalid when she was in her seventies. Poor woman had to spend the rest of life on a bed with tubes stuck into her nose whilst her large figure shrivelled into skin and bones. To further the rift between me and her, I went through puberty. This meant that I changed physically. I believe she remembered me a poorly behaved and spoilt runt but not a poorly behaved and spoilt bigger-sized runt. So, whenever I approached her, she could not recognise me. This went on until she kicked the bucket. One feels a sense of loss but it is far from devastating. I thought I can wallow in unpleasant feelings of devastation by thinking about the deaths that are much worse than old people dying or to be more specific thinking about dead young people.

The person in question was my mother's elder brother who is young being slightly over half a century old when he kicked the bucket. Like the young woman who did not die, we were aware of each other's existence. I had to put up with the occasional teasing from him because I looked a miniature version of a human being which was really funny in hindsight the older and more human being-ish I got. Alas, I was not close to him either. I point the finger of blame at the thirty kilometre distance between our homes and the pointlessness of visiting each other when we have more important things on our agenda like going to work.

I admire hardworking and simple men and women so embodied by my mother's elder brother. He was one of the very important frontline workers who make logistics work by transporting goods using large and hard to control automobiles powered by manual transmission also known as a truck. While it is hyperbole to say that operating a manual vehicle is heart-attacking inducing, I am afraid that was what happened to my dear mother's elder brother. There was no great sense of loss only the regret that he could not live 50 years longer. From his passing, I have learnt to be very careful when handling those dangerous trucks, I have grasped the importance of taking medication if I am diagnosed with clogged arteries and I was given a painful reminder of how terrifying it is that heart failure appears to be a hereditary disease running in my mother's family.

Speaking about the lack of loss I feel about these three persons whom I ought to be close to might be indicative of my lack of humanity or my unlikely mastery of the ability to be stoic. This leads me to these questions to ascertain how I feel about these persons:

Do I harbour the desire to turn the clock back? In a way yes, but only because time travel is 'cool'.

Do I harbour the desire to turn myself in a spirit so that I could meet those people I am no longer in contact with? No, what for? I am quite happy to assume the form of flesh and blood.

Do I harbour the desire to use my experiences as an argument for anamnesis or the presence of spirits? This sounds like a leap of logic reminiscent of leonard267's monologues, especially when anamnesis is a poor explanation for why moral and social norms are similar across cultures. Of course not!

So what is the moral of the story then?

Grammar: OK. Sentences seem to either cut off. Into small little segments. This is an example. Or they seem to continue on and on as you have a clear idea of what it is you want to do and you don't want the reader to stop his/her train of thought as you lead him/her to an eventuality that you wanted him/her to end up in.

Story Flow: I'd much rather you have run-ons than the cutting off segments as that hurts me when it comes to story flow. The beginning was pretty hard to cut through as you were introducing the world of the story with very little world. I think what got to me was the calling thing. Yes, it was important, but for some reason I felt like there were too many references to calling without any references to how both parties felt.

Topical/Theme: Bitch be cold.

Genre: Slice of Life / POV

Main Perspective: Guy likes girl, girl likes guy, guy calls girl, girl bails.

Personals: Now my last review was about condensing paragraphs. For you, I'd rather you expand on ideas and create new paragraphs. The introduction was a paragraph in of its own while the whole thing about calling should have been one also.

I felt like your ideas were many and too many in this case. The grandfather one didn't really have any significance to the overall story and I would have requested that you axe it out entirely and give more space to breath for the actual plot.

I agree with FGRaptor. ESPECIALLY ABOUT COFFEE. YOU DARE SAY AN AMERICANO IS NOT COFFEE? BITCH DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M THE COFFEEPRINCE! (Just for reference, an Americano is essentially a shot of espresso mixed with water to give it the strength of coffee. I don't really like it since it has an especially bitter taste. I believe it originated from WWII when GIs needed coffee. They just mixed European espresso with water) END RANT.

I rather like the end (VS EVERYONE ELSE), because aside from the random side-plots, it was a justified ending that he would end his own life. I would just wish you expanded more about the feelings of the main character in the ending.

hmm...how should I put it?

It seems to me like I've read three different stories inspired from life experiences. decently written, but to it seems to lack a proper conclusion. I don't know where it's leading to in the end. also the solid connection between these separate stories. to me it seems there's a some kind of connection but it's too subtle for me to discern.

just my opinion. though, if I were to put it overall, I like this one regardless.

My parody of his entry which you thoroughly enjoyed is based on how he wrote it. What difference did you see between mine and his?

more references to the old and some apparently disturbing stuff, I think? =)

It is quite serious and dry though. References to an old lady, a middle aged man and a young girl. Disagreeing with the author of the original entry towards the end. And the conclusion of course about the fact that I am not too concerned about those who I don't think I will be seeing anytime soon.

What did you find disturbing?

I see =D

well it's more about some amusingly disturbing stuff. like pairing up a 10 year old boy and 100 year old grandma =)