[Winter Contest Entry 2013] - Cold, fire and gauntlets
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Livided wrote...
leonard267 wrote...
I would like to do a fuller parody of your entry by tomorrow, Livided. Is that okay with you? I will post it here and in another thread.Aye, while I am probably not a big fan of yer style, you definitely have quality to your work and if you feel like making a parody of anything I have made I consider it an honor. =P
I take to writing nonsense with proper character introductions, mind you. Though the monologues I have written so far failed to do that. Just imagine leonard267 is talking to you about the weather.
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Parody of Livided's Cold Fire And Gauntlets:
Livided, you are my first victim in this little mudslinging campaign of mine. Any entry that contains actual references to real people must be exploited and milked. So your entry inspired me to pen the following which is a story that definitely has Xenon in it and has me in it. If high_time minds how he is portrayed in this parody, raucous laughter would erupt from my vocal chords:
This story is not unlike the great Nordic sagas where great deeds are done, evil is banished and good triumphs at the very end. Ignoring the fact that the ending of this story is spoiled already, this story would guarantee to attract eyeballs and garner the interest of many a reader because I said so.
It takes place at a place that transcends space and at a time that transcends time. The actors in this great theatre of space and time transcend both space and time.
Dear readers, the hero of this story was noble for he was a noble gas.
His name is Xenon and one hundred and thirty one was his molecular mass.
He is noble for he is not flammable, immune to leonard267's flaming.
He is noble for he is not reactive, resistant to chemical bonding.
Now the author of this poem is fed up with rhymes.
So he is going to write in normal prose and stuff your orifices with limes.
If one were to look past the appalling threats made in the last two lines of that poem, one would indeed marvel at Xenon's qualities. He is not reactive, not flammable, utterly expensive and rare thus useless if you were to ask your chemist. Yet, there is a cloud in every silver lining. All of these qualities are psychopath bait. Already after the reader reads this line, trouble is looming in the horizon for that noblest of gases.
The evil leonard267, having learnt chemistry in high school wanted to make Xenon the very opposite of what he is: Flammable, reactive, rather obnoxious but still utterly expensive thus useless.
Who was he and what were his origins? Accounts differ wildly.
Some say that he is the 267th incarnation of some demon called Leonard. This demon plagues this earth by whining and moaning. Upon discovering that no one wanted to listen to him, he decided to put his whining and moaning into writing. He forced people to read his entries, threatening the pain of utter online harassment should they refuse. What a terrible demon!
Some say that he belongs to the Order of Leonards which was 267 strong. They, sharing the namesake of that demon, specialise in whining, moaning, harassment and lowering the quality of literature in this very plane of existence. The 267th Leonard, was aptly named leonard267 went mad one day and forced 265 Leonards to give up their names. The 266th Leonard decided to adopt a surname instead and was now known to the world as Leonard Nimoy, a mediocre B-movie actor.
Some say that his name is generated by a Neopets username generator. As to why he chose to use that username of a game that boasts 50 million accounts all which generated by one person as his persona is way beyond the realm of comprehension.
His plan to subvert the very nature of Xenon must be very diabolical indeed if one has to spend 3 paragraphs to describe him in contrast to a William McGonagall-esque poem and a redundant paragraph for Xenon's introduction. And diabolical indeed it was because he had to rope in another villain, equalling leonard267's capacity for evil and mischief, to see that the evil deed was done.
That villain goes by many names but the most used name of all was high_time which is obviously an abbreviation of the phrase, "high all of the time". Now, it is hard to say whether he is a frequent abuser of mind altering chemicals or whether his grasp on his mental faculties was as weak as that of leonard267. What was surer though, is his ability to blight the world with great evil by describing in graphic detail hermaphrodites and their out of place genitals and their bone-chilling romps.
Their ploy against Xenon was as such. They intend to throw Xenon into a special freezer that lowers the temperature of its contents to dozens of degrees below the melting point of ice. In that freezer, they would have to put in tremendous pressure on him and that meant forcing him to listen to their awful readings of poorly written writing contest entries whilst judging them.
What was to be gained through all that fuss? The answer lies in making Xenon a volatile liquid. As every layman knows, a volatile person is a reactive and mercurial one. This is much more fun than Xenon, the noble gas, noble but inert.
They hired some mercenaries to ambush Xenon in some tavern but they all succumbed to Xenon's powerful powers that involves flames and claws and spheres of light and other physically impossible and implausible manifestations that originate from the mind of the creators of children cartoons.
leonard267 and high_time knew that they had to act fast. Punching a very conveniently located switch that was placed the entrance of the tavern that was very conveniently not accidentally pressed by many a patron of that tavern, the tavern transformed into that terrible freezer that subjects its contents to temperatures, dozens of degrees below the melting point of ice.
Xenon, knowing that he is trapped and cornered and somehow aware of the presence of leonard267 and high_time cried,
"Leonard and High,
I know my end in nigh.
I have a request
That I hope you acquiesce.
I have nothing but love and friendship for you
Why attempt to turn me into goo?"
leonard267 replied in the vein of the great Edmund Hilary who said that he climbed Mount Everest because it is there and in the vein of many an evil person who committed evil deeds because it can be done,
"Oh! I did that because it was fun!"
As the temperature well and Xenon felt not well, leonard267 and high_time started mounting pressure on Xenon by reading aloud a certain contest entry. The nature of that reading was so terrible and vile, it can't be replicated here, all neat and well. Readers, you will have to deal with links:
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-contest-entry-2013-an-analysis
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1zN4KoRmWzt
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1V94ijuG2AI
As soon as those terrible sounds reverberated throughout that fell enclosure, the pressure within it immense, poor old Xenon began to condense. It appeared that evil was the victor and all of us felt sicker.
Triumphant and exhilarated, high_time and leonard267 embraced each other in joy and entered the freezer to bask in their victory.
high_time roared with glee, "We have made Xenon a volatile liquid. Surely he will be easier to tease!" leonard267 cackled with delight. A reactive, feisty and frivolous Xenon was created, so they thought. He would join their ranks and cover the entire world in darkness and despair, so they thought.
But any competent student of chemistry should know that volatile liquids are liquids that evaporate easily. It is not going to be reactive or flammable. It would just return to the gaseous state it was before!
What happened in the very end of this story which is filled with awkward lines that rhymed and even more awkward transitions to lines that don't rhyme?
Xenon went back to what he was before, an inert but noblest of gases. While leonard267 and high_time perished in the extreme cold of that enclosure with burst eardrums, having succumbed to their awful readings of that lousy contest entry.
Make Xenon Cold and Whack Him with Non-Existent Gauntlets
Livided, you are my first victim in this little mudslinging campaign of mine. Any entry that contains actual references to real people must be exploited and milked. So your entry inspired me to pen the following which is a story that definitely has Xenon in it and has me in it. If high_time minds how he is portrayed in this parody, raucous laughter would erupt from my vocal chords:
This story is not unlike the great Nordic sagas where great deeds are done, evil is banished and good triumphs at the very end. Ignoring the fact that the ending of this story is spoiled already, this story would guarantee to attract eyeballs and garner the interest of many a reader because I said so.
It takes place at a place that transcends space and at a time that transcends time. The actors in this great theatre of space and time transcend both space and time.
Dear readers, the hero of this story was noble for he was a noble gas.
His name is Xenon and one hundred and thirty one was his molecular mass.
He is noble for he is not flammable, immune to leonard267's flaming.
He is noble for he is not reactive, resistant to chemical bonding.
Now the author of this poem is fed up with rhymes.
So he is going to write in normal prose and stuff your orifices with limes.
If one were to look past the appalling threats made in the last two lines of that poem, one would indeed marvel at Xenon's qualities. He is not reactive, not flammable, utterly expensive and rare thus useless if you were to ask your chemist. Yet, there is a cloud in every silver lining. All of these qualities are psychopath bait. Already after the reader reads this line, trouble is looming in the horizon for that noblest of gases.
The evil leonard267, having learnt chemistry in high school wanted to make Xenon the very opposite of what he is: Flammable, reactive, rather obnoxious but still utterly expensive thus useless.
Who was he and what were his origins? Accounts differ wildly.
Some say that he is the 267th incarnation of some demon called Leonard. This demon plagues this earth by whining and moaning. Upon discovering that no one wanted to listen to him, he decided to put his whining and moaning into writing. He forced people to read his entries, threatening the pain of utter online harassment should they refuse. What a terrible demon!
Some say that he belongs to the Order of Leonards which was 267 strong. They, sharing the namesake of that demon, specialise in whining, moaning, harassment and lowering the quality of literature in this very plane of existence. The 267th Leonard, was aptly named leonard267 went mad one day and forced 265 Leonards to give up their names. The 266th Leonard decided to adopt a surname instead and was now known to the world as Leonard Nimoy, a mediocre B-movie actor.
Some say that his name is generated by a Neopets username generator. As to why he chose to use that username of a game that boasts 50 million accounts all which generated by one person as his persona is way beyond the realm of comprehension.
His plan to subvert the very nature of Xenon must be very diabolical indeed if one has to spend 3 paragraphs to describe him in contrast to a William McGonagall-esque poem and a redundant paragraph for Xenon's introduction. And diabolical indeed it was because he had to rope in another villain, equalling leonard267's capacity for evil and mischief, to see that the evil deed was done.
That villain goes by many names but the most used name of all was high_time which is obviously an abbreviation of the phrase, "high all of the time". Now, it is hard to say whether he is a frequent abuser of mind altering chemicals or whether his grasp on his mental faculties was as weak as that of leonard267. What was surer though, is his ability to blight the world with great evil by describing in graphic detail hermaphrodites and their out of place genitals and their bone-chilling romps.
Their ploy against Xenon was as such. They intend to throw Xenon into a special freezer that lowers the temperature of its contents to dozens of degrees below the melting point of ice. In that freezer, they would have to put in tremendous pressure on him and that meant forcing him to listen to their awful readings of poorly written writing contest entries whilst judging them.
What was to be gained through all that fuss? The answer lies in making Xenon a volatile liquid. As every layman knows, a volatile person is a reactive and mercurial one. This is much more fun than Xenon, the noble gas, noble but inert.
They hired some mercenaries to ambush Xenon in some tavern but they all succumbed to Xenon's powerful powers that involves flames and claws and spheres of light and other physically impossible and implausible manifestations that originate from the mind of the creators of children cartoons.
leonard267 and high_time knew that they had to act fast. Punching a very conveniently located switch that was placed the entrance of the tavern that was very conveniently not accidentally pressed by many a patron of that tavern, the tavern transformed into that terrible freezer that subjects its contents to temperatures, dozens of degrees below the melting point of ice.
Xenon, knowing that he is trapped and cornered and somehow aware of the presence of leonard267 and high_time cried,
"Leonard and High,
I know my end in nigh.
I have a request
That I hope you acquiesce.
I have nothing but love and friendship for you
Why attempt to turn me into goo?"
leonard267 replied in the vein of the great Edmund Hilary who said that he climbed Mount Everest because it is there and in the vein of many an evil person who committed evil deeds because it can be done,
"Oh! I did that because it was fun!"
As the temperature well and Xenon felt not well, leonard267 and high_time started mounting pressure on Xenon by reading aloud a certain contest entry. The nature of that reading was so terrible and vile, it can't be replicated here, all neat and well. Readers, you will have to deal with links:
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-contest-entry-2013-an-analysis
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1zN4KoRmWzt
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1V94ijuG2AI
As soon as those terrible sounds reverberated throughout that fell enclosure, the pressure within it immense, poor old Xenon began to condense. It appeared that evil was the victor and all of us felt sicker.
Triumphant and exhilarated, high_time and leonard267 embraced each other in joy and entered the freezer to bask in their victory.
high_time roared with glee, "We have made Xenon a volatile liquid. Surely he will be easier to tease!" leonard267 cackled with delight. A reactive, feisty and frivolous Xenon was created, so they thought. He would join their ranks and cover the entire world in darkness and despair, so they thought.
But any competent student of chemistry should know that volatile liquids are liquids that evaporate easily. It is not going to be reactive or flammable. It would just return to the gaseous state it was before!
What happened in the very end of this story which is filled with awkward lines that rhymed and even more awkward transitions to lines that don't rhyme?
Xenon went back to what he was before, an inert but noblest of gases. While leonard267 and high_time perished in the extreme cold of that enclosure with burst eardrums, having succumbed to their awful readings of that lousy contest entry.
Evil failed and good prevailed. Yet, what is the moral of the story?
[size=28]SHOULD YOU NOT WANT TO DIE, STUDY YOUR BLOODY CHEMISTRY![/h]
[size=28]SHOULD YOU NOT WANT TO DIE, STUDY YOUR BLOODY CHEMISTRY![/h]
2
FGRaptor
FAKKU Writer
Sentence structure, sentence structure and more sentence structure, it never seemed to stop in the story.
As a token of our friendship I will be especially rough with you. I know you like it rough.
That came out wrong… let’s just get to the feedback.
It’s quite a mess. Sentence structure, punctuation, missing words and typing errors (e.g. “Xenon brushed the snow off his black coat for the fifth time in as many minutes, realizing as he did so could barely feel his hands anymore.”, “Following her gaze he spotted an collection of lights in the distance, a city!”, “Although calling it a city might have been a going too far, but it was indeed the place Medzy had received information of where their next target was at.”) are found aplenty.
“This was easily made bearable due to the reinvigorating warmth of their heating system which promptly embraced his frozen body.” – You sure the heating system embraced his body? Should take him out to dinner first I think.
“[…]. where they just curious or did they hold hostile intent he thought to himself as he unconsciously tenses up, assuming the worst.” – No capitalization and you should write thoughts in italics. Also I guess it should be “were” and not “where”.
Are there seriously 100 people in a tavern? I want to know how that room looks. Is it filled or is there still space? Somehow they find an empty table, even though it sounds like people are literally almost unable to move in the thick crowd.
Add more details and be more specific. They order drinks, but we don’t know what. What do they drink? Do they have favourites? How do the glasses look? Not enough life in here. If this is supposed to stand alone, then there is not enough for us to paint a picture of the characters.
“[…]managed to pick up a fork and knife and began cutting into the plates […]” – to each his own, I presume. I would prefer to cut the food instead of the plate.
“[…]Xenon regained consciousness just in time as he saw his attack coming in for a second hit.” – Is he being attacked by his own attack?
“It seemed that today was going to be one of those days most people call a bad day and what he called just another Tuesday.” – Why highlight this? If he does not think it’s a bad day, then why does he think about it at all?
“[…] Medzy had closed the gap between the them […]” – You get the idea.
Don’t bury dialogue in the paragraphs. Dialogue should always be on separate lines.
There are lots of language errors here, but you acknowledged that before, so you should be aware. Lots of issues just seem lazy – the missing words or letters and the typing errors – and they could have been avoided by reading it out aloud or editing enough. Apart from the names I did not find repetition to be much of an issue though, and the structure of the story itself appears to be fine.
/grammar rant
The tavern room really fascinates me. I just don’t know how to imagine it. I have a certain image I think of when I hear †˜tavern’, but the moves they do in there while fighting are ludicrous. They jump up high and have to run forever and they get thrown around… it must be stadium sized inside – All of this when it’s already crowded with over 100 people.
The plot itself is solid, but nothing special. I did expect a fight scene from you, and it wasn’t bad, although boggled down by the messy writing. I chuckled at times, but not a lot, so I’m not sure your comedy elements worked.
While it’s nice to have such active protagonists – as they can drive the plot forward – I found it strange how dead their surroundings seemed. There was only talk about them, but not about what anyone else did. They had a huge fight in someone’s tavern – and nobody seemed to do anything about it. Nobody panicked, no guards tried to stop them, nobody even seemed to get hurt… I found that quite strange.
Final Thoughts:
You have said it yourself already and I have said so before in other feedback as well: trying to make a story fit a purpose it is not written for rarely works. If the limit is 2000 words, then write a story that is 2000 words, not 20000. It’s a simple matter, really. It’s no surprise otherwise that things don’t make sense.
Although I liked the story, I also have to agree with mibuchiha in that it was random. I fail to see the greater purpose of it. The stakes and conflict of the story are unclear and a lot of information regarding characters and their motivation is missing. The language is also messy with many lazy mistakes in it.
As a token of our friendship I will be especially rough with you. I know you like it rough.
That came out wrong… let’s just get to the feedback.
It’s quite a mess. Sentence structure, punctuation, missing words and typing errors (e.g. “Xenon brushed the snow off his black coat for the fifth time in as many minutes, realizing as he did so could barely feel his hands anymore.”, “Following her gaze he spotted an collection of lights in the distance, a city!”, “Although calling it a city might have been a going too far, but it was indeed the place Medzy had received information of where their next target was at.”) are found aplenty.
“This was easily made bearable due to the reinvigorating warmth of their heating system which promptly embraced his frozen body.” – You sure the heating system embraced his body? Should take him out to dinner first I think.
“[…]. where they just curious or did they hold hostile intent he thought to himself as he unconsciously tenses up, assuming the worst.” – No capitalization and you should write thoughts in italics. Also I guess it should be “were” and not “where”.
Are there seriously 100 people in a tavern? I want to know how that room looks. Is it filled or is there still space? Somehow they find an empty table, even though it sounds like people are literally almost unable to move in the thick crowd.
Add more details and be more specific. They order drinks, but we don’t know what. What do they drink? Do they have favourites? How do the glasses look? Not enough life in here. If this is supposed to stand alone, then there is not enough for us to paint a picture of the characters.
“[…]managed to pick up a fork and knife and began cutting into the plates […]” – to each his own, I presume. I would prefer to cut the food instead of the plate.
“[…]Xenon regained consciousness just in time as he saw his attack coming in for a second hit.” – Is he being attacked by his own attack?
“It seemed that today was going to be one of those days most people call a bad day and what he called just another Tuesday.” – Why highlight this? If he does not think it’s a bad day, then why does he think about it at all?
“[…] Medzy had closed the gap between the them […]” – You get the idea.
Don’t bury dialogue in the paragraphs. Dialogue should always be on separate lines.
There are lots of language errors here, but you acknowledged that before, so you should be aware. Lots of issues just seem lazy – the missing words or letters and the typing errors – and they could have been avoided by reading it out aloud or editing enough. Apart from the names I did not find repetition to be much of an issue though, and the structure of the story itself appears to be fine.
/grammar rant
The tavern room really fascinates me. I just don’t know how to imagine it. I have a certain image I think of when I hear †˜tavern’, but the moves they do in there while fighting are ludicrous. They jump up high and have to run forever and they get thrown around… it must be stadium sized inside – All of this when it’s already crowded with over 100 people.
The plot itself is solid, but nothing special. I did expect a fight scene from you, and it wasn’t bad, although boggled down by the messy writing. I chuckled at times, but not a lot, so I’m not sure your comedy elements worked.
While it’s nice to have such active protagonists – as they can drive the plot forward – I found it strange how dead their surroundings seemed. There was only talk about them, but not about what anyone else did. They had a huge fight in someone’s tavern – and nobody seemed to do anything about it. Nobody panicked, no guards tried to stop them, nobody even seemed to get hurt… I found that quite strange.
Final Thoughts:
You have said it yourself already and I have said so before in other feedback as well: trying to make a story fit a purpose it is not written for rarely works. If the limit is 2000 words, then write a story that is 2000 words, not 20000. It’s a simple matter, really. It’s no surprise otherwise that things don’t make sense.
Although I liked the story, I also have to agree with mibuchiha in that it was random. I fail to see the greater purpose of it. The stakes and conflict of the story are unclear and a lot of information regarding characters and their motivation is missing. The language is also messy with many lazy mistakes in it.
2
Livided
FAKKU Writer
Spoiler:
Aye we spoke about all yer thoughts online earlier, not much more to add. Will try and work on the flaws I have displayed boss! =P
Spoiler:
Thanks glad you enjoyed it. =)
Spoiler:
Pretty much what I expected hehe, not my cup of tea but well made and I am sure several will enjoy it for what it is. Well written, good word selections and overal interesting. =)
0
I read the prequel so I went in knowing who these two were a just a little bit. I don't know them immensely but I understood a bit of the characters so interaction between the two I was alright with. I enjoy these two when they they talk to one another, well Xenon talks anyway, I felt a little sad when it got randomly pulled from it.
I could see how it could be confusing without an introduction to the characters but I'd be alright with starting with this one and going back.
Overall I enjoyed the light humor and fight scene, what little things got to me have already been said so that's it from me.
I could see how it could be confusing without an introduction to the characters but I'd be alright with starting with this one and going back.
Overall I enjoyed the light humor and fight scene, what little things got to me have already been said so that's it from me.
0
Livided
FAKKU Writer
Nejik wrote...
I read the prequel so I went in knowing who these two were a just a little bit. I don't know them immensely but I understood a bit of the characters so interaction between the two I was alright with. I enjoy these two when they they talk to one another, well Xenon talks anyway, I felt a little sad when it got randomly pulled from it.I could see how it could be confusing without an introduction to the characters but I'd be alright with starting with this one and going back.
Overall I enjoyed the light humor and fight scene, what little things got to me have already been said so that's it from me.
Glad you liked it, I did indeed try as you spotted to make both stories independant but still relate to one another in some way. So I am glad you agree with that.
And indeed, plenty of flaws has been pointed out and agreed with, I have learned a lot more then I expected to going in this time around, hope you did as well. =)
Been working on a enhanced edition of this story without the word constraints, so might release it here on fakku sometime after the contest ends, we shall see.
Thanks for reading and since ya lost in the first poll, good luck with judges' choice Nejik!
1
xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
Maybe had I read this in conjunction with your previous entry, I would've understood it more, but as it currently stands, it's a bit confusing. It reads much less like a one-shot short story and more like a piece of a potentially long running series. It feels like a scene in a sea of things to come for Xenon and Medzy, and I think that's where it really falls short as an entry.
No doubt, it's very very interesting, but terms like Oldtech and Relic Hunter are things that seem to have to be explained. I simply cannot assume or infer what is going on at times, and this confusion is what bogs your tale down.
Anyways, I see that your description of fighting are still as strong as ever. I think the flow is fine overall, and I enjoy the intensity of your writing when you get to it. It's both detailed and easy to follow (save for the terminology/fantasy elements like I mentioned before). And the little bits of interaction between Xenon and Medzy are rather cute. I do think that you used the phrase "She gave me an 'xxx' look" a bit too often. It was good the first and maybe 2nd time, but it began to lose it's flavor after that.
I enjoyed it. I've always loved the flow and the action that your writing has!
No doubt, it's very very interesting, but terms like Oldtech and Relic Hunter are things that seem to have to be explained. I simply cannot assume or infer what is going on at times, and this confusion is what bogs your tale down.
Anyways, I see that your description of fighting are still as strong as ever. I think the flow is fine overall, and I enjoy the intensity of your writing when you get to it. It's both detailed and easy to follow (save for the terminology/fantasy elements like I mentioned before). And the little bits of interaction between Xenon and Medzy are rather cute. I do think that you used the phrase "She gave me an 'xxx' look" a bit too often. It was good the first and maybe 2nd time, but it began to lose it's flavor after that.
I enjoyed it. I've always loved the flow and the action that your writing has!
0
Sorry for not commenting on this piece as soon as I would like, but I really have been having my hands tied up lately. Congrats on passing the first round.
I would like to get rid of those things upfront. To the feedback!
I have read your previous entry (I think?) but I guess I don't remember it (Sorry), so I read it as a stand-alone story. Overall, I feel like this is just ok being an entry, hmmm. I quite have the same opinion as FGRaptor and leonard267 does.
Personally, I say it's lacking a more proper introduction of the characters as well as the setting, but not to say I didn't get though. There are two guys, who work as bounty hunters, go hunt for another guy, who is being wanted (but charged in at the bunch that are hunting him anyway), and BOOM-BOOM-POW. There is no real meaning behind the entry as a one-shot. It all just seems like another mediocre fight for those two. There was not much highlight after reading it. It's not fit to be 2000-word story. It felt too much like just a small scene in a bigger story, which others have pointed that out and you have already said so yourself "This entry continues the story from my last entry...". I agree with FGRaptor on this point and I think you could have created something fitter for an entry.
There were some occasional grammatical mistakes, but one thing that bothers me most is the wrong usage of the end stop or just some wrong worded sentences, that could be easily seen in these paragraph (just some examples, couldn't remember all of them :3):
"Relief and pain followed as he was glad to see his friend alive, however she seemed anything but content. Giving him the "He was my target why did you interfere?" Face. After explaining he had discovered she was wounded from before and was worried about her."
"He threw himself hastily to the side as the stone wall behind him was pummeled into pieces in his stead. Finally coming face to bearded face with who had attacked him, the same face that was on the wanted poster of the target they were chasing."
I suppose it mostly weren't your intention, but it should help if you went back and fixed them before posting as I think these kind of mistakes is quite obvious. Other than this, although some words are used kinda weirdly, maybe just different tastes of word choices, I don't have any problems reading through the story.
The flow and the pace also seems ok to me. I don't have anything to add to the characters, other than wanting some backgrounds. Was the humor a important factor in the story, because I only giggled a few times. Sorry :3
Final thoughts:
In conclusion, I find the piece was quite pleasant to read with a fighting that was easy to imagine and follow. I have said this before, but it begs for more contents, whether in character history, establishment of the story, backgrounds of the specific terms like 'Oldtech' or 'Relic Hunter', as well as 'Bloodwielder'. I'm looking forward to your expanded version. It's not to say you're not good, but for the time being though, I'm not quite satisfied of this piece and I wish you would have done something meant to be a stand-alone instead.
P/S: I like the pirates' accent, must be coz of being OP fanboy :3
I would like to get rid of those things upfront. To the feedback!
I have read your previous entry (I think?) but I guess I don't remember it (Sorry), so I read it as a stand-alone story. Overall, I feel like this is just ok being an entry, hmmm. I quite have the same opinion as FGRaptor and leonard267 does.
Personally, I say it's lacking a more proper introduction of the characters as well as the setting, but not to say I didn't get though. There are two guys, who work as bounty hunters, go hunt for another guy, who is being wanted (but charged in at the bunch that are hunting him anyway), and BOOM-BOOM-POW. There is no real meaning behind the entry as a one-shot. It all just seems like another mediocre fight for those two. There was not much highlight after reading it. It's not fit to be 2000-word story. It felt too much like just a small scene in a bigger story, which others have pointed that out and you have already said so yourself "This entry continues the story from my last entry...". I agree with FGRaptor on this point and I think you could have created something fitter for an entry.
There were some occasional grammatical mistakes, but one thing that bothers me most is the wrong usage of the end stop or just some wrong worded sentences, that could be easily seen in these paragraph (just some examples, couldn't remember all of them :3):
"Relief and pain followed as he was glad to see his friend alive, however she seemed anything but content. Giving him the "He was my target why did you interfere?" Face. After explaining he had discovered she was wounded from before and was worried about her."
"He threw himself hastily to the side as the stone wall behind him was pummeled into pieces in his stead. Finally coming face to bearded face with who had attacked him, the same face that was on the wanted poster of the target they were chasing."
I suppose it mostly weren't your intention, but it should help if you went back and fixed them before posting as I think these kind of mistakes is quite obvious. Other than this, although some words are used kinda weirdly, maybe just different tastes of word choices, I don't have any problems reading through the story.
The flow and the pace also seems ok to me. I don't have anything to add to the characters, other than wanting some backgrounds. Was the humor a important factor in the story, because I only giggled a few times. Sorry :3
Final thoughts:
In conclusion, I find the piece was quite pleasant to read with a fighting that was easy to imagine and follow. I have said this before, but it begs for more contents, whether in character history, establishment of the story, backgrounds of the specific terms like 'Oldtech' or 'Relic Hunter', as well as 'Bloodwielder'. I'm looking forward to your expanded version. It's not to say you're not good, but for the time being though, I'm not quite satisfied of this piece and I wish you would have done something meant to be a stand-alone instead.
P/S: I like the pirates' accent, must be coz of being OP fanboy :3