[Winter Contest Entry 2013] Land-Share

Lord Winter's presence was especially so this year. Those who had feared the Crow-lands in years past tried to find refuge by burrowing deeper into Gaia's bosom, but only found the cold had begun to rot the very core of the world itself. "She has abandoned," Yur Smeanyol, one of the last Brave Ones, cried, "We shall know no warmth again." It was during sleepless nights like these that Egsule remained awake, remembering the past stories vividly and of Smeanyol's words. His white fur bristled from an imaginary fear as his while his red-rimmed eyes scanned around in the midst of darkness. He heaved a heavy sigh as he rolled out of bed and rested his soft paws onto the frigid earthware ground.

"Oh Gaia! Misfortune!" a youngling cried.

He grasped the clan's ruby encrusted heir-axe and holstered it to his side and leaped out of his room at the Grand Hall. Directly across from him was Astah, a much older and graying rabbit. "Speak!" he demanded as he slowly closed his sunken, tired eyes, "What brought this?"

"Lord Astah!" the youngling responded, "Twas Lord Winter m'lord! I went down from my post to find his grasp has taken the lowest level of the den!"

A rumbling murmur filled the hall. "Who. Who is left?" Egsule asked as he stepped out of the crowd.

"Lord Egsule! None. Not even a kit," the youngling cried, "and the cold- I have not known such a cold!"

Egsule glanced at Astah. There they stood again. Ever since the burrow was first dug, their clans had bickered, feuded, and bickered once again. It was only after Smeanyol had discovered their malady, their fathers and their father's fathers had all ventured out to the Crow-lands to find the solution to the coming Winter. Few ever returned, but those that managed to do so had described the Crow-lands as a rich, but horrifying land. It was a gamble- and a beautiful one at that. Astah grunted as he nodded to Egsule, his old body clearly too tired to do anything, there needed to be some action. At the rate Winter spread, they would lose much of burrow within the next few years- and then where were they to go? The both of them knew there was but one course of action and it was Egsule's turn like the burrow-lords of past.

"I will go," Egsule shouted over the rest, "To the surface! I will speak with these Crows. Tie to my body with the strongest string you can find. If I am to die- you will know, but if I live, come. Come to where I am and you shall live." Amidst the roaring cheers from the Great Hall, Astah hobbled his frail body over to Egsule.

"There is no talk with these Crows. You know this." he whispered.

"Our fathers never saw the potential of peace, only war. I shall find peace." Egsule responded.

"You will die." Astah said as his matted ears drooped.

"And I may-" Egsule said as he rest his hand on Astah's shoulder, "But you will lead our people nonetheless. I entrust them to you."

"Find warmth Egsule. I will find you- alive," Astah chuckled, "After all, how will I bicker if there is none to bicker with?"

Egsule smiled, "Goodbye friend."

Ahead of him, he saw young kits surround him while rows of rabbits gracefully bowed. The whole of rabbit-kind arrived as a sign of solidarity. As with their peoples' customs, the road was laden with shavings of fur all leading up to the front gate where the highest quality of woven armor was laid out along with his clan's heirlooms- his heir-axe. He solemnly marched down the long hallway and donned the armor. He took one last look at the gathering of rabbits, his people, his life- and continued forward.

"Hold Brave One!" Astah had shouted from the distance. As Egsule turned around, a spear came flying right past him into a spiked burrow wall.

Astah said, "You will need that."

As Egsule pulled the spear from the wall, he felt the bone-grooves and saw the steel tip shine with engravings of Astah's clan. It was Astah's heir-spear. Without a word, Egsule nodded and continued on his way up. After what seemed like hours of climbing, Egsule finally saw the skyfire's light piercing through the deeply rooted carrot forests. One swing of his heir-axe and the ages-old moss masking the front of the burrow fell. Like his father and his grandfather and countless Brave Ones before him, Egsule stood at the mouth of the burrow. The heavily golden glow from the skyfire brought about such a warmth to his bones- that even the mere thought of winter was easily forgotten. Just as he thought about curling up underneath that therapeutic skyfire, a sharp caw pierced the skies. Instinctively, Egsule duck down on his hunches and propped his ears up. The caw resounded through the sky again. He tightly gripped the heir-spear between his sweat-drenched paw and honed it at the direction of the sound. Shadows zoomed over him and immediately flew around for another pass. He was spotted. Quickly, the cawing formed into a cackle as three crows landed around him. He glared into their soulless black eyes.

"What's this? What's you?" shouted the first crow.

He shouted, "Egsule. I wish to speak to your king."

"Our king he says-" joked the second, "No rabbit deserves to see our king."

He responded, "I ask of you. My people are dying. Winter has struck the lowlands."

"Why should we care for some rabbits? Your kind are not welcome here." replied the second. Egsule honed the heir-spear right at the bosom of the crow. The first crow began hissing as it lowered a wing on a sword twice the size of Egsule himself.

The third crow interjected, "Brothers! Let us report to the king. If he wills it, we shall return, but if he does not, then let this one be. I'll stand watch for your return." With that, the two others reluctantly cawed away, still hissing at Egsule. With only one crow remaining, Egsule reasoned that there was little to no chance the crows would allow him to live- much less his people. If he were to use the steel to pierce through the third's avian-plate, he could find a defensive position somewhere, but if there even was a chance.- a chance for his people to live peacefully, he had to stay. Egsule continued to glare at the crow until he realized something... off. While he could see the head and wings of a crow, the crow's legs were awfully akin to his own and there were patches of bare flesh instead of the oily, dark feathers. In some places, instead of flesh, there were small tufts of fur. While Egsule analyzed this odd crow, the crow's blackened eyes closed and it lowered its head to Egsule "Welcome Egsule, Son of Ach," respectfully said the third.

Stunned, Egsule lowered his spear. The voice he had heard, the one that told him stories those Brave Ones and Gods, it was Anathad. A long silence gripped Egsule's throat like a pair of hands within the night. Finally when the hands released their grasp, all he could mutter out was, "I know you."

"Yes," Anathad solemnly said, "As we wait, allow me to tell you a story." Anathad ruffled his feathers and sat down on a nearby stone. "It was many a decades ago that I had ventured with the Brave Ones along with your father. The surface was terrible and dark place. The crows were far less accepting- even less so than you saw now. There was no talk with these crows- if you came out of the ground, it was back into the ground they'd put you. For ages, from skyfire to darkfire, from winter to summer, I ran. The crows were amidst a most destructive war with Hounds. It was during their war, we came and so they had rounded all of the Brave Ones into camps. Those that forced themselves to turn into crows were the only ones allowed to live. I was afraid. I witnessed many of our kinsrabbits perish, but I relinquished myself to the crows. Sooner a coward than dead I though... and here I am, a mutant from both kind. There were many like me, but far more had chosen the latter. Though the war is over, their sentiments remained."

"Brave One," Egsule said, "I will build a nest here... for my- our people."

Though Anathad lit up for just a moment, he quickly twisted his crowish head the other direction, "Your kind is still not welcome here. Though the old king killed himself in his own madness, the new king is no less vicious."

"Our people will fight," Egsule declared.

"And your people will all die. Is that what you wish?" Anathad replied.

Egsule shouted, "We will not win a war fought with steel, for we are not Brave Ones, but all cowards. I will use the coward's tool of words to win this war. I only ask- I ask you to truly speak sense into your king and if there is no sense, I ask you to unite all willing, crow or rabbit."

After considering it for a moment, Anathad nodded, "I shall do as you say Egsule, Son of Ach. Farewell Brave One. If you seek haven, there is a clearing north of here. I will tell my people you are there."

Egsule watched Anathad fly away. Resolved, he dashed forward to where the haven was. Ripping through wall of moss after moss, he came upon a large clearing with a small fortress already built. It was clear that it was made by rabbits as his own clan's sigel hung emblazoned onto a flag. He stood atop the woven-walls and tug his string hard.

As dawn approached, a large swarm of crows hovered around the fortress. At the center of them all, a single, fattened crow peered down at Egsule.

The king-crow shouted, "I have heard your request, I deny. Leave my lands at once!"

"No," Egsule declared, "I will not. We are all animals. We deserve to make nests as much as crows."

"No rabbit may make a nest in my lands. What will our chicks think? If a rabbit is to make nest here, would they not think it is okay to become a rabbit? Perish the thought! Rabbits are inanimal. They are wrong!" The king-crow reasoned.

Egsule spat, "If I am inanimal, then I will willingly fight for my right."

A swarm of heavily avian-plated crows descended rapidly at Egsule.

"If my steel does not pierce through you, may my words do so," Egsule screamed as he readied his spear for the vanguard, "Do not fear the different. Change will come. Rabbits will come. We will not be silent. but I can only hope that our kits and your chicks will no longer feud, but become allies. One day this will come to pass!"

As the vanguard came, Egsule dropped his spear as he opened his paws out. He immediately backed off and stared confused. The king-crow hissed, "What are you doing? Kill him?"

The vanguard replied, seeing Egsule's readiness to perish without fight, "I cannot slay an unwilling foe."

Egsule cried, "I do not wish for war from my people, my people wish to live. It is the right of every animal to live in peace! If I am to perish, my people know of my will and we will enact it!"

Nevertheless Egsule was torn the pieces that day.
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(WC: 1942)

EDIT: I fixed it up a bit which was basically deleting a bunch of parts and making the names sound better. If this is illegal, I still have the original copy. In order to make it clear, I did see the grammar mistakes someone else posted and I decided to not change it as it goes against contest rules.)

That must be the first entry that has a story written in what I call a traditional format. The setting is well established and that meant that I had an easier time understanding that story.

As usual, I hope you would allow to test if my reading of the story is correct:

1. The winter, personified as a God by the rabbits, caused the rabbits to dug ever deeper into the ground.

2. A way to solve this to negotiate with the crows to build their holes (nests?) on the surface.

3. After meeting what was one of their kind, Eagsuil decided to set up shop on the surface on a disused fortress built by those who ventured up to the surface.

4. The crows would not have it and Eagsuil died fighting.

The story was good enough for me. While it is written as a fantasy, it was good that I read familiar words like 'Gaia', 'Crows' or 'Rabbits'.

I have a few questions though, all plot related.

1. What is meant by the Deep Ones? I was thinking of some carnivorous subterranean creature like a rabbit-eating mole.

2. Why the need to build nests on the surface if they are worried about the cold? Surely the cold is much worse on the surface? Or do they want to migrate to somewhere warmer?

3. The Crows viewed the territory outside the burrow as theirs, don't they? Eagsuil appeared to be confronted by The Crows as soon as he stepped out of the burrow.

4. I suppose the conversation with the rabbit/crow hybrid was to tell Eagsuil what has become of his father and grandfather? He spoke of a terrible war, "The crows were amid a terrible war." Was it amongst themselves or was it with the Brave Ones?

5. 'Unanimal'. I seek clarification on what that means. From what I understand it appears to an insulting term used to refer to Rabbits.

6. 'Eagsuil's readiness to perish without fight'. Did Eagsuil resolve to die or did he change his mind in the end. Surely it is 'his resolve to perish fighting'.


Some minor errors, correct me if don't think they are errors:
Seek (a) haven
Though Anaithad's (eyes) lit up
The caw resounded through the sky again 40. (This time, 40 caws resounded through the sky?)

That was an enjoyable read and I am a person who does not take to fictional writing.

As Leonard said, the setting is very well established. You've also written a normal story with a beginning and an end, which is not easy for only 2000 words.



I'd just go with "said" here instead of "explained." The meaning of what's being said is very clear.

I have some questions about the rabbit who was turned into a crow. Is that a common thing that happens in the world of the story? It sounded pretty damn weird to me, and I expected Eagsuil to have more of a reaction to it. However, it only comes up once. I feel like this is supposed to be symbolic of something, but I have no idea what.



The ending confuses me. If the crows don't wanna kill him, why do they kill him? Is it just the one crow who doesn't want to kill him? I think you could use a little more here, though I don't know how you would do it with only two words . . .

One of my favorite story so far in this contest and to me has the setting, story and quality of something I would pay for, but perhaps I am baised as I do love fantasy settings.

I will try and re-read this story again more deeply later to perhaps find some better constructive feedback for you, but for now, I have nothing but good things to say about this entry. My hat goes off to ya.

I can say say I wasn't expecting something like this. I liked the conflict of territories going on between the Rabbits and Crows, the world's not ending nor is there an evil genius bent on ruling everything (which I do enjoy mind you) it's nature being nature with a bit of spice. The story behind it was interesting if not a tad confusing in a way since it took me a moment to get a feel for the characters. Around Anaithad's intro everything clicked, it may have just been me but that's all I have on the other side. I enjoyed it overall.

I loved it. Felt like a movie. Well written. Screenshot'd it to keep it in my vita. 10/10.

“Lord Winter's presence was especially so this year.” – Especially… what? Especially present? Strong? Cold? Felt? Apple?
†˜Especially so’ means that something is more like something than something else; e.g. †˜All tomatoes are red, but this one especially so.’ You can say that Lord Winter’s presence is always felt, but especially so this year – but right now this sentence doesn’t really say anything.

Sorry to start with nitpicking, but it was the first thing I read. I like this story, it has structure and fresh ideas, but is still familiar enough to be read easily. The language is rocky at times, but overall proficient; mostly issues with sentence structure and some typing errors (“bristled from an imaginary fear as his while his red-rimmed eyes scanned […]”).

The flow could be better. Dialogue should always be in its own line – as you have done most of the time, but not always, burying some dialogue inside paragraphs of description and action. You also don’t need a †˜he said’ after every line of dialogue – it makes it slow. You only need it if you have to establish who is talking at the beginning of dialogue or later on if the dialogue is very long (dozens of lines) or if someone is doing an action while talking.

You used both †˜youngling’ and †˜kit’ to refer to the young rabbits – I would use only kit or kitten, as these are the official terms for young rabbits. You could also use †˜buck’ and †˜doe’ to easily distinguish male and female rabbits instead of just calling them all just rabbits. Astah would be †˜an older and graying buck’ for example.

You also refer to their place as †˜burrow’, but a burrow is only the place where a single rabbit lives. A network of burrows is called a †˜warren’, and they probably wouldn’t talk about their burrows being nests.

Of course this may not be our world, but using the proper terms will add flavour to your story and make it more enjoyable and maybe educational to read.

I’m also disappointed that none of the rabbits were hopping.

Likewise a swarm of crows is called a murder, thus †˜a murder of crows’

Hounds – no need to capitalize this, unless Hounds was the name of an individual the crows fought.



You begin with †˜He’ and I can only guess this means our protagonist – Egsule – as he later carries the axe. You say Astah is across from him, but then you say †˜”Speak!” he demanded’ – the subject right now is Egsule, but this is Astah talking if I am right, as the response from a youngling addresses Astah. Make sure, especially when dialogue is involved, that you address the correct subject.

†žKill him?“ Should he really be asking this? An exclamation point might be better here!

“Nevertheless Egsule was torn the pieces that day.” – Now this just cries “I ran out of words so I had to end the story here” to me. It makes me sad, this †˜ending’ really kills it for me. Of course I understand there is a word limit, but this is not exactly a satisfying end. You still had about 50 words left and you could have made some previous parts more concise to deliver a better ending for this.


Final Thoughts:

I got a bit lost in my own thoughts while writing the feedback, so I apologize in advance. Anyway, I do like this story. Stories with animals as their protagonists are always interesting and the world you paint here is one I would like to know more about. The themes of racism and an apocalyptic world are current and interesting.

The story could, however, flow better. Your dialogue is too cluttered and your story is basically huge descriptive and action paragraphs followed by some lines of dialogue followed by huge paragraphs – you get the idea.

I don’t know how much you might want to expand on this, but I feel there is more to tell here. You could easily expand on the world and the characters. Exploring both the past and the future of this world would interest me. I would, however, suggest to make the writing more concise, which would improve the flow. You might also want to make your word usage more concise by using the correct terms for the animals – as they are your main actors – and maybe using more medieval words, especially in dialogue (at least that is the feeling I got from the story).

Reminds me of Brian Jacques' "Redwall" series. Oh the heady days of second grade.

Wow, great entry. Now I feel sorry for not have read yours earlier.

I can't help but picturing myself standing in the midst of Lord of the Rings - Rabbit Enhanced Version, one of the best what's-going-on-in-your-backyard story, LOLOLOL.

Ahem...

Ok, so what I really meant is your story is great! Well-established world, more developed characters than most entries, rich backgrounds - these all adds up to make this an amazing piece. Furthermore, you made the story flow really well, not too fast, not too slow for such a fantasy-themed story.

I want to touch on some parts of the story:

1. The world:
You made an incredibly vibrant world, given the limit of 200 words. The anthropomorphism that was used here really click with the message that the author was trying to get across. The struggle that these rabbits faced with the crows resembles the very world we are living in. Full of conflicts between the people and their ruler and it's always that the bigger fishes win (in this particular story, the crows). However, there is one thing that I think would make this piece less attractive than it really is - the time frame. This kind of conflict only existed in the feudal times. I interpret that the story is set in a (kinda) medieval time for rabbits (the talk and the names). It possibly wouldn't be your intention when writing this, but I think the story could have achieve a higher recognition if you put in it a more modern conflicts feel. In today's time, the kings of lands are conflicting between themselves rather than unite as one force. It could have been more interesting and more thought-provoking if the time frame of the story was set in the above-mentioned War between the Crows and the Hounds, or better yet, a world where the crows fight between themselves. From all of that, the rabbits suffer and have to make a move. This would have depicted the picture of World War II - the big-ass countries like USA, Japan and European countries conflicting between themselves, leaving the more starving countries sandwiched between these fights and diminished, then ultimately these slaved countries made revolutions and broke free. Yea, that could have been epic! It would also help readers to relate more to the story - we're living the era. But this original setting is very good already.

2. The characters:
All of these characters appear for a reason (I'm only unsure of the guy Yur Smeanyol though, but meh). The hero, the trusting home-waiting friends, the old-timer guider and of course the baddies - these typical roles in a epic story have appeared through the images of the rabbits and crows. Given that, it was pretty disappointing when our hero did not fight for his people, but rather die, and I'd say his death seems quite in vain. If he had put up a fight, that would have been awesome. If he would end up dying, he would die trying, not standing and talking sh*t. If peace were to be obtained, it must be fought for (at least that what I learnt in my history classes, and after several years of reading manga). Anathad - the half-rabbit half-crow - represents the factor of unexpectedness of the story, so I think he could have used a little more of a role. He made me think 'Darth Vader', lol.

I won't touch on grammar, as FGRaptor have already done that (and he's a beast at the subject, too).

Final comments:
Overall, I like it a lot, it's such a shame this didn't get into the finals. I could very well end up voting for you (and to think I was planning to vote for that leonard267 guy...). Could have been great. It's very good (very very very good), but it could have been great. I would love to see it if you decide to expand the story to make more out of this awesome idea.