[Winter Contest Entry 2013] Those who Linger

I'd better throw my hat in the ring too here you go.

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The sound of the waves hitting against the small boat filled the passenger’s ears as a middle aged man rowed the boat a few feet in front of him. The boat rocked a bit and the man let out a small grunt only to continue rowing in silence. The passenger sat with his hands, currently wearing leather gloves, folded in his lap; he tapped his black sneaker as the silence continued and ride continued. The middle aged man looked at passenger across from him; it was a young man with short red hair stopping at the top of his neck, his short bangs resting at the top of his eyes which to the man’s surprise looked dark red from where he was sitting. The young man wore a long sleeved plain black sweater and black cargo pants that stopped at the top of his shoes strings; on the boy’s wrist was a small red watch; the boy’s skin was pale and he had a small chin with a bit of stubble on it; the man decided to finally break the silence between the two.
“So what’s your name?” the man asked. “Mine is Arnold.”
The young man looked up for a moment before looking back down at the boat, it seemed he wasn’t going to say anything but after a few minutes he responded.
“Mark.”
“Well pleased to meet you Mark,” Arnold said offering him a small smile. “Are you escaping from the cold?”
Mark nodded to him responding to his inquiry.
“The other city fell to it as well so I had no choice but to depart,” Mark said looking the man in the eyes.
“I understand that, it’s been strange lately at one point its warm then another it’s freezing. It’s the middle of December so it’s not surprising but it just seems strange for warmth to just switch off at random.”
“To make matters worse it’s only happening in specific cities,” Mark said. “My cousin says its eighty degrees where he’s at and he literally lives fifteen minutes away; meanwhile it’s below twenty where I’m at.”
Arnold nodded in agreement, the weather has been strange for the last couple of weeks and no one understood why. There were plenty of theories but no real answers to the question. This wasn’t the first time Arnold had rowed someone either, people have been driving, flying and taking boats to places that were warm; under normal circumstances the people would stay but the weather wasn’t just dropping once, every day it went down a few more degrees until it was almost uninhabitable. Mark had come to him wanting to go to a specific place; he paid Arnold to take him to a warm location. Arnold knew the way there but he had dropped very few people off and for good reason, the place was an island in the middle of nowhere and no large boat went there.
“So if you don’t mind me asking why are you heading toward the island?”
“I’ll tell you once we get there,” Mark responded.

Arnold stopped rowing as the boat hit the sand of the island; Mark stood up and jumped into the sand before stretching and rotating his shoulders. He looked around at the island nodding his head as he took in the scenery. Palm trees were in front of him facing each other adjacently making a path into a large dense forest that rested at the center of the island. The large beach he was currently standing on surrounded the forest on all sides. The weather was fair the breeze that passed by him was warm and tickled his skin it was very pleasant. Mark couldn’t help but smile as Arnold walked up to him; after thanking Arnold he turned to leave but Arnold spoke out causing him to stop.
“I apologize if I’m crossing the line but I’d really like to know why you came here?
“Ah that’s right I didn’t tell you,” Mark said.
He turned towards him and pointed behind him towards the forest with his thumb before speaking.
“I’m meeting my brother here to get something back that belongs to me, the fact its warm is also part of my reason.”
“That’s it?” Arnold said arching a brow at Mark.
“Yep not much else really,” Mark said shrugging his shoulders.
“To each his own I suppose, I’ll be departing then good luck with everything,” Arnold said before turning around
“Thank you Arnold and I apologize for this,”
“Oh don’t worry about it I’m used to rowing long distances.”
Arnold started to walk away but froze as he felt something pierce his chest; he looked down to see Mark’s arm sticking out of it his hand holding something that was currently beating. By time he realized what he was looking at Mark retracted his arm and Arnold fell to the ground going motionless
“That’s not what I was talking about,” Mark said before turning towards the forest. “Can’t risk anyone knowing I’m here.”
Mark took in a deep breath before raising his hand up palm facing towards the sky; his red eyes glowed as the wind started to pick up around the area. The palm trees started leaning from the large gusts of the wind drawing towards Mark. Red energy that had a smoke like appearance started gathering in the area around them, streams of the energy started flowing into Mark’s hand vanishing within his body; Once the energy was gone Mark closed his hand and lowered his arm.
He kept his eyes towards the sky as the sun vanished behind a cloud causing the area to darken a little, a small smile formed on his face as snow started falling from the sky and the air grew cold
“Now I believe my brother is waiting for me,” Mark said heading into the forest.

Mark walked through the forest until he made his way into a large clearing in the center of the forest. Snow had already partially covered the ground decorating the once green field and trees with bits of white, the snowfall was unceasing and in an hour the ground would be covered but he didn’t care about that at this point. His intention wasn’t to bring winter to the island; it was to meet with the man who currently inhabited it.
He walked towards the center of the field looking for any signs of his brother, as he neared the center he felt heat start suddenly to gather in the area around him. Looking at the ground he quickly jumped back as a torrent of flame exploded from the earth, he watched the pillar of flames as it melted the snow around it. He saw a silhouette of a figure in it before it made its way towards him, he lowered his body and got ready to move waiting for his brother to show his face to him.
The man who walked out of the flames made Mark flinch as he noticed the long brown hair on his brother, who to his surprise wasn’t exactly that.
A young woman stood with the flames to her back as they slowly extinguished behind her, the woman had fair skin and wore a long purple sleeved shirt with a golden spiral design on the sides; she had on a long brown skirt that stopped at the top of the brown boots she wore.
She offered a small smile to him before folding her hands behind her back.
“It’s good to see you again face to face,” the woman said.
Mark shook his head remembering his reason for coming and glared at the woman in front of him.
“This at least explains why I couldn’t find you,” Mark said. “I suppose assuming you were born in a male form was my own mistake. What’s your name now anyway?”
“Nana but I’m afraid I wasn’t too creative with mine, unlike you Mark.”
Her words were sincere which only irritated him more, he looked at Nana as she brought her hands to her side.
“Mark your actions have brought pain and death to mortals why did you do all of this?”
“Did you agree to meet me just to ask that?”
Nana nodded and Mark chuckled as he took a few steps close to her raising his fist.
“Because you took what belonged to me,” Mark said. “I was chosen for your role but I was cast aside I deserve to seat on the throne of daylight, and you know I do! You stole from me and I’m just taking what was originally mine. If you had answered my messages earlier the mortals wouldn’t have had to suffer, I’ve robbed them of your warmth again and again and I will continue to do so until I am given what is rightfully mine!”
Nana stared at Mark as he took deep breaths staring at her, a blue glow surrounded his body and Nana could feel cool energy hovering in the air around them.
“You’re selfish Mark,” Nana said shaking her head. “Your own fear is the reason you can’t have the day, there can’t be two inhabitants of daylight so you were made to dwell in the night. Be grateful you have anything at all, for your selfishness you were punished, there was a possibility of you gaining nothing. Instead of accepting your duty and what you have you’ve chosen to attack me when your power is great and mine is diminished due to the season.”
“I do what I need to Nana and you’re not going to stop me.”
“I disagree,” Nana said snapping her fingers.
Fire exploded from under Mark surrounding him a cylinder of flame that extended toward the sky; he looked at the flames surrounding him on all sides and held his arm up as the heat threatened to burn him.
“Your actions will bring end to humans and I cannot allow that. Bringing frost to all beings robbing the world of its warmth, do you hate me that much that you would hurt those we watch over?”
“I will hate you for all eternity Nana, my disgust for you is never ending! Now get rid of these flames!”
“I’m sorry to hear that Mark; I can’t lower the flames since during this time of the season you linger longer than I do so I can’t hope to defeat you in a formal fight. If you want to kill me brother you need only walk through the flames.”
Mark grit his teeth and took a step forward to do just that but as the burning sensation hit him he moved away from the flames as much as he could anyway.
“I’m trying to show you your own weakness,” Nana said. “You can’t even grab what’s right in front of you, please give up.”
“Shut up I will kill you Nana just…just give me a moment to get through this!”
“No,” Nana said. “I’ve tried reasoning with you, accept your punishment.”
Nana flexed her hand and the walls quickly closed in, Mark’s eyes widened as the flames consumed him and his body burned. Nana watched as Mark screamed and reached towards her covered in flames, hate filled his eyes and her stomach churned as she watched his body fall to the ground.
“Return to your endless duty brother, I had hoped after a few millenniums had passed you would release your hate…but you’ve held it all this time…and I’m sorry for being the cause of that.”
Nana watched as Mark’s body slowly dissipated into little orbs of energy floating towards the sky, she let out a small sigh as the orbs completely vanished.
“I hate to blame this on global warming but I can’t exactly tell humanity we had a fight. I better get started with fixing all of this. Once its resolved maybe I can salvage what little relationship the two of us have.”
Nana turned around before her body dissipated into orbs flying into the sky after Mark’s.

Before I read this properly a quick suggestion, get some space in between the texts please, they are all mostly clumped up, would greatly appreciate some paragraphs. =P

Edit:

Alright read it, the story ranges from good to mediocre for me, the start pulls me in which I always love, the atmosphere you create is always very nice and the chars seems decent.

I saw several strange choices of writing in the text though, which may either be intentional and just a clash of writing styles or things you missed, so taking up a few.

"continued and ride continued." sounds very clunky to me.

"The young man looked up for a moment before looking back down at the boat, it seemed he wasn’t going to say anything but after a few minutes he responded." I cant help picture how incredibly uncomfortable just a few seconds of silence is, as when yer alone with one other person in silence, time sorta tends to slow down. So saying for a few minutes makes me giggle a bit imagining that situation. xD

Besides this just some basic grammar choices which I am unsure if they are wrong or correct as I myself am far from an expert, but some sentences just seems oddly formed.

Overal interesting and good story, it pulled me in well enough and kept me reading!

The people who know me on this site would know and resent the fact that I am a "Content-Nazi" which are definitely as annoying as the dreaded "Grammar-Nazi".

It was well written but I thought 2000 words cannot do it justice because the background of the characters need more explanation. It is clear that Nana and Mark are supernatural characters so there must be some kind of explanation as to their origins, their powers and so on.

Are they spirits of nature? Why do they have to go through millennia long cycles? What punishment is Nana about to execute on poor Mark? One or two lines that explain what they are and what is about to happen would be good like:

Nana was the spirit of fire. She was responsible for all that gives heat and warmth. She was also responsible for the countless disasters and immense suffering brought about by the heat. Every few centuries or so, she would assume the form of an attractive yet terrible young lady.

If I knew that, their dialogue would make more sense to me.

The same can be applied to the introduction which I have to commend was good but could do better in conveying the following information briefly and concisely:

Where was the boat bound for?
Who was on the boat?

One or two sentences will suffice:

The boat was bound for some secluded island that was strangely much warmer than the seas that surround it. On board that boat were...

For me, simple and concise sentences that set up the plot or at the very least the setting in as few words as possible will make me continue reading the story.

And of course, spacing the paragraphs makes the job of our beloved organisers much easier.


ED: While I enjoyed reading and remarking about your entry, it is a shame I don't see you around. How did you come to know about the contest?

I hope you have read my entry. It is getting mixed reviews.

Have you heard of the Writer's Lounge?

Thank you both for responding and for reading as well. I'm more than happy to clarify a bit. For the spacing that is something I regretfully missed, half-asleep plus posting was a bad combination and by time I realized it was already up but it's advice I need to take. Also Livided the choices were things I missed sadly grammar included. leonard267 I agree with the lack of useful information, this story went through a few edits and I kind of pushed it a bit which took away some clarification.
If it helps make some sense Mark is Tecuciztecatl and Nana is Nanahuatl two figures in aztec mythology who are known as the sun (Nana) and the moon (Mark). I won't go into the whole legend here but I feel I could have done a bit more on that. Thank you both for your observations.

Oh and I'm normally around, I normally participate in the winter contests for the enjoyment of going up against other writers and constructive criticism.
I have not read yours yet, I'll go do so now since you extended the kindness to me.

Thank you for the clarification. Do you need a link to the Writer's Lounge?

I would appreciate that thank you.

https://www.fakku.net/forums/chat-topics-and-forum-games/fakku-writers-lounge/page/208

This thread is begging for people to post in. You can post anything really. Anything can serve as inspiration for writing.

I really like the title – Those who Linger – it carries many implications with it and a sense of mystery. It may not fit perfectly, but it fits pretty well. It’s a nice story though the ending could have been more developed. The pacing of the beginning is much slower than of the middle and the end. Aztec mythology is a very interesting topic and has many great ideas ripe for the taking. This one was quite refreshing – though some more blood sacrifices would have been nice, especially for them using their powers. I almost expected it when Arnold’s heart was ripped out.

The beginning is quite confusing. We have a middle aged man, a passenger, a man, a young man and a boy. It took me a while to figure out that the passenger is also the young man and the boy, while the middle aged man and the man is Arnold – the one rowing the boat.

You also seem to be fond of the semicolon, though it is used improperly. You are counting the things the boy is wearing, use commas and not semicolons.





You could have a semicolon after wristwatch – but it would make the sentence overly long and the sentence about the boy’s visual features can stand on its own just fine. The issue here are run-on sentences which I go into detail about later.

Also, be more concise. Call it a wristwatch, not a watch on his wrist. Make your writing as clear as possible, use the word that best describes what you want to say. Being detailed and concise makes your writing much clearer.

†˜after a few minutes’ – did he really just wait for several minutes – more than one, which is more than 60 seconds – for a response? What was he doing all this time and why do so many minutes and the initial response (lifting his head) happen in the same one line? Imagine yourself in a conversation after asking a question and then waiting more than 60 seconds for a response.

Livided remarked it already, but it made me chuckle as well. It is really awkward.


There is a lot of repetition here. I suggest you read your work out aloud as this will easily highlight awkward sentences and repetitive words – you will most likely stumble over them. A word frequency counter can also help. Some examples just from the first paragraph are boat (2 times in the same sentence, then again in the next), row, the boy, small (small watch, small chin, small smile – you even have the same small smile again later from Nana).

Sentence structure and run-on sentences are a big issue here. It seems to get worse as the story goes on. You need to break up your sentences; use commas or split the sentences into two or more separate ones. This problem persists both through the descriptive paragraphs as well as in dialogue. Some sentences just seem to drag on endlessly and the whole thing becomes convoluted, making it more difficult to read. Some examples:

“Palm trees were in front of him facing each other adjacently making a path into a large dense forest that rested at the center of the island.”

“The weather was fair the breeze that passed by him was warm and tickled his skin it was very pleasant.”

†˜“Mark your actions have brought pain and death to mortals why did you do all of this?”’

Try and read this aloud without a pause anywhere – because right now there isn’t one.

Anyway, excuse the grammar rambling.

Story-wise there is not too much to complain about. The characters could have more distinct voices to distinguish them easier and they could be more developed overall. You have the mythology to draw from of course, but combining it with some modern character traits (as you have already done) will help make them feel more alive.

I would also like to have more detail about their powers and how they work. What do they do to channel them? Describe it to the reader. Where do the powers come from? Are they just thinking up what they want to happen? Are there no chants or, as I said in the beginning, Aztec blood rituals? Blood magic? There is a lot you can do with this, so you should go a bit crazy.

Final Thoughts:

I really like this and found the idea refreshing. I got that they are day and night or sun and moon, but would not have gotten the Aztec inspiration without you saying it. Although due to issues with sentence structure and punctuation the story is a bit clunky and thus awkward to read. Studying some sentence structure can help a lot – it’s an issue I have seen a lot now – and the rest comes through practice. Also try to be more concise and add more detail. I don’t know your plans, but I would be interested to read more about this.

here's my 2 cents:
you have potential to write well, but i feel like you need to spend more time and care writing this; the descriptive paragraphs are well written, but the dialogue weakens the overall content. the word choice in the dialogue also isn't consistent with style; it's hard to get a sense of character when one says words like depart, and then others like random...

i honestly couldn't read your story because the dialogue would lose me, but nonetheless i see your potential and your leaks:

pros: i feel like you have a mastery of basic english grammar, which is great-- i can see that you play with it to construct good sentences.

con: i feel like your paper lacks style and character; i can't tell who's arnold, or who's mark, and [i probably could if i kept reading, but thats like looking at a drawing and trying to figure out what its supposed to be, and well drawn drawings kinda paint themselves to the onlooker]

Grammar: OK. A few easy to fix mistakes and semicolon problems, but generally solid.

Story Flow: WALL OF TEXT. Joking aside, I reformatted the paragraphs for my own viewing pleasure and the story did seem to flow pretty well. It felt like it could have been a continuous flow, but then there were clear time jumps that weren't entirely necessary.

Topical/Theme: Yes. WINTER IS COMING.

Genre: Adventure/Mystery

Main Perspective: Two spirits are locked between winter and summer- and the spirit of winter wants more.

Personals: Very, very interesting concept you have here. Since the others nitpicked you to death already, I'll put up what I thought in terms of your entire concept. I loved the idea that two spirits reincarnate over and over in this endless battle to keep the balance (Avatar Korra anyone?). It had this sort of ambiance of a post-apocalyptic spiritual battle that resonates with me very well.

Arnold who? I wanted to get to this point. What was the point of Arnold? If we were given more backstory as to who this Mark was or if he just silently rowed a boat away from a frozen city while muttering under his breath, it would have given us a lot more information. That would have cut the word count significantly as well as let us get into Mark's head more. While the world is fairly interesting and their abilities are even more so, we know almost nothing about Mark until the last few paragraphs. We should be rooting for Mark to murder Nana by the end of it.

Another thing I noticed is that when you chose to describe things, I felt it lacked a lot of feeling. What I mean by that isn't in terms of metaphorical content or even love of what you're writing, but the actual sense of feeling. It was cold? Describe the cold. The boat rocked? How did it affect Mark? How did things feel. I can't stress that enough (I have this issue myself).

As FGRaptor said, there were a bunch of grammatical errors that could be fixed, but from what I read, it seemed like you generally knew what you were doing. If you went back and read it aloud, I'm sure you would have picked up a lot of the run-on sentences. Generally a compound sentence isn't just divided by AND or BUT, but rather two or more subclauses that complete an idea for that sentence. For example:

"When Mark wrote to Mr. Poe, he knew he had to write something meaningful." You could continue the thought in two ways: "When Mark wrote to Mr. Poe, he knew he had to write something meaningful lest he suffer the wrath of a murder of crows." OR "When Mark wrote to Mr. Poe, he knew he had to write something meaningful. If he did not, he would suffer the wrath of a murder of crows." You can see here that the first one flows better.

However, if I chose, "When Mark wrote to Mr. Poe, he chose his words wisely." Again you could continue the thought in two ways: "When Mark wrote to Mr. Poe, he chose his words wisely and thanked him for all the poems he had written." OR "When Mark wrote to Mr. Poe, he chose his words wisely. He thanked Mr. Poe for all the poems he had written." While these aren't the best examples, you can see that the second one flowed better.

I do want to say the entire concept was a great idea. You had a world already set out in front of you and you wrote to that end goal. Good work!

I vanished for a few days and returned to some pretty awesome critique, I know I have much to work on with my writing having someone point it out makes it easier to confront(granted that's stating the obvious but it is true). Thank you for input everyone, let's see words used repetitively, structure, grammar to name a few I'll keep this in mind next time I write.

I have made two parodies of the entries. It is posted on the Campaigning and Mudslinging thread. If you want to parody my entry, I'd welcome you to do so. If you want me to parody your entry, feel free to do so as well though I fear that you have to wait for one or two weeks.

Spacing my man, spacing. It would do us readers quite the favor if you spaced your stuff out more. Presentation is the first step to catching a reader's attention!

First off, I think that the first scene where Mark is on the boat is rather unneeded. Arnold doesn't play much of a role than showing that Mark is willing to kill people, and of course transporting Mark. I feel like Arnold could've just been part of a narrative that explained Mark was rowed to an island and then killed the person who helped him. There's a lot of Arnold sitting around being awkward, which makes me think he has some sort of role in the story, but he doesn't. And the ride itself doesn't show much of Mark's character.

Condensing and focusing more on the confrontation on the island would've been nice. Maybe describe the scenery, or take the time to describe some of the damage being done. Maybe talk about the background between the two of them? Maybe have a fight?!

Ah well, anyways, I really liked this idea and glad you decided to join man. Who would've known the moon would be so possessive about his missing power! I mean, that man tore out the heart of the old innocent man that got him to the island. I feel bad for that old guy. Mark is quite the cruel character.

I don't disagree with the comment on the boat after inspecting from the other critiques I could have found another way to set that up. I could have even start with the fight but this was all hindsight sadly and poor planning on my part, rushed or not it made it a tad confusing. Thank you for the taking the time to comment.
Also Leonard I wouldn't mind you making a parody of mine.

Interesting concept, though people wouldn't know if you hadn't clarified that in the comments.

As others have said, the first half of the story seems unnecessary. You could have switched for something else that matters more. There are some grammatical errors, thus making the story sounds messed up. And yeah, imagine if you're talking to somebody and only get respond after a few minutes... utter awkwardness. I will also love to see more backgrounds for the two main characters. Others have almost taken every word out of my mouth, so I won't go on too long what they have said already.

Anyway, I feel there's like some plot holes. First is the island. It's obvious that humans can go there without trouble, just only far away, I guess. However, in this fictional world, Mark have already make some places on Earth that used to be inhabited by humans uninhabitable. With that said, one can easily imagine the crowds in some of the few places that can be lived in left. So, it would be very chaotic and it would not sound plausible that there would be anywhere on the surface of the Earth that would be vacant, empty of people. Second problem is about the two entities themselves. 'Nana' is so strong that she beat 'Mark' in a single move? Then it would sound even more stupid for this 'Mark' figure to reincarnate and keep on asking for death sentences by challenging 'Nana'. Also, we don't fully understand what drives 'Mark' to do so, and 'Nana', too. You have pointed out some of the reasons in the story, but since we don't know their backgrounds, their actual motives still remain unknown.

I think you could definitely go back and make this story a much more enjoyable one. It could be the word limit that make you suffer these setbacks. On the other hand, being able to come up with an awesome story within the word limit is truly a challenge. I actually feel your entry have a lot in common with mine regarding our problems that have been pointed out by others.

I'm sorry I didn't have the time to comment on your entry before your poll ends. Too bad you didn't get in.

Parody of Nejik's Entry: Why did I Linger There and Then?

Nejik, I have promised you a parody though I think I did say that it would come very late. A lot of people are complaining on why Arnold, who I thought was the narrator of the story is present. Perhaps we can change their minds if we replaced Arnold with leonard267. This parody of your entry will be much shorter than the others and I hope it would be easier to read. I find myself enjoying the shorter ones more than the longer ones:

It was that strange and bizarre and night that led me, leonard267, into this psychiatric ward to treat what was supposedly my hallucination-churning brain. While my acquaintances are quite convinced that I have a screw loose in my head to begin with, I am convinced that the events related to whoever that reads this actually happened:

Frigid blasts of air originating in the Arctic caused temperatures to plummet at that time. Yet, either due to the geography of the region or human activity, there were always the presence of heat islands. The island that I went to that fateful night was one of those heat islands, no pun intended. It was situated off quite a distance off the coast of the city where I lived.

While everyone is masochistic enough to engage in pointless winter celebrations outdoors, I wanted a peace of mind and an escape from the cold. So, I started my boat and was about to set off for that island only to find a very beautiful looking anthropoid ape, also known as a genderly ambiguous human being, asking me for a lift on my boat.

I compiled, because I am an aged, not-so-eligible bachelor looking for young women. Never mind that that island is uninhabited, never mind that it is generally a bad idea to give lifts to strangers bound for strange locations, I wanted to kickstart my love life! However, I was fooled by my passenger's slender limbs, light body and long hair. As we spoke, I realised that she was a he! After this shocking revelation, I found myself wishing to huddle myself in a corner. It is quite alike to having a close shave with death, except for my case it was a close shave with sodomy.

I did ask him what was his purpose for going to an uninhabited island, to which he replied that he is meeting his wife. That was rather strange, I thought. He looks barely legal! I felt like asking more questions like how old he was and why was his wife was on an uninhabited island only to feel a cold sensation coursing throughout me. Perhaps it was because I was finding that young man rather creepy.

Bizarre as things were, it was only when I reached the island when things went out of control. There was an ancient lady who looked like a male waiting for our arrival and she was dressed in bright colours so inappropriate for her age. My male companion spoke softly to me, gesturing to her, "She is my wife and I have a score to settle with her." It was at that moment I lamented silently of the moral and social decay of our society as I pictured a boy a little more than 10 years old married to someone 10 times older than him.

I was then entertained to a very strange pyrotechnic spectacle cum water fountain show. I swore that fire, water and ice materialised out of thin air as the young boy and old lady gesticulated wildly whilst yelling about global warming. Come to think of it, it felt like watching one of those ubiquitous and lousy current affairs show. I thought of leaving the island by boat to get as far away from them as possible when I blacked out all of a sudden. I was told that was due to an explosion on the island. Who knew that a fireworks display could be that dangerous?

When I came to, I was arrested for arson and wanton destruction of public property on an inhabited island miles away from a coastal city. I defended myself by telling them what I thought happened on the island only to find myself transferred to this psychiatric ward!

I don't know what happened to that young boy and that old lady. Urban legends has it that they are spirits of the city but really I rather believe that they are strange people so representative of the dysfunctional families we see today.

So, what is the moral of this story?

like CoffeePrince did, I reformatted the story for the pleasure of my viewing. I read through the story and I can tell that you've got some interesting idea right over there =)

well, the beginning's a bit tedious for me. but yeah, I read it through until I went and encountered something interesting. never really read about this stuff before - I think, so it brought me a fresh feeling. regardless of it being heavy on the descriptions and stuff which kinda hard to get at first, I could still get the big picture.

in the end, what kinda lacks to me, was yeah, it felt kinda empty, like there should be a conclusion which makes it truly worthwhile to read. but it left me out with something void. if this what you're trying to accomplish in your writings, you've done a good job. maybe it's just not my preference of reading that makes me feel this way.