[Winter Contest Entry 2014] Love Is Not For Puppies
2
It was 2 o’clock and I couldn’t sleep.
“What’s wrong? You’re spacing out.”
“Nothing, really. Probably.” I was reassuring myself, as if it was not obvious enough to her. She was staring at me right from the bed with sheets covering her chest down to her feet. Her wavy hair looked nice beneath the lights seeping in from the outside. She was a bit tired…heh, of course she was. We did the whole night like a pair of energizer bunnies.
“Did something happen at school? Probably?” There’s her teasing. Of course she wasn’t expecting an immediate reply, nor seemed to seriously asking it.
My eyes wandered for a moment to the coffee heater. Man, there’s still some more left inside the pitcher. I gestured her if she wanted some, but she shook her head in refusal. “Nope, nothing,” was my answer to her question before my reminder, “well tomorrow is going to be Sunday, so we can spend most of the day in my place.”
“Well, this is YOUR place all right,” she giggled as I went back to the bed. She then rested her head to my left, still glancing at me with those dreamy eyes. “Do you still remember the time we fucked for the first time? Back then in the school’s toilet,” She was half-whispering, finally getting drowsy.
“Hell, of course.” The slight nostalgia made us cringe in unison. “That one time we settled with petting as you complained the pain. We were so late about that.”
“But having my own virginity being taken did fucking hurts, thank you very much.” I didn’t really mind she scrambled my already messed up hairdo, as the shame was unbearable for her. “And more, you weren’t even on rubber. Of course it’s a given.”
“Well, in case you’re forgetting something it was you who asked first.”
“T-that’s… Oh, my fault then.” The luminescence from outside was enough to expose her rosy cheeks even without the lights on.
The dim lighting turns our world into a chiaroscuro, perfectly emphasizes her slender curves not yet covered by the sheets. Some of the stars reflected nicely on her thin-rimmed glasses. The hint of elegance was all over her face with the firm stare and thin lip of hers. Her supposedly tied in a ponytail hair like her usual hairdo when at school was not there, instead changed into a sultry wave down to her shoulder.
And there she began to speak,
“I’ll probably answer his letter in Monday.” She heaved into a sigh before continuing, “You don’t really mind if I dated the Student Prez for now, right?”
“The President?” She nodded. “Having fun once in a while is okay, I guess. There’s still a year left before we’ll go to college together.”
Yeah, she chortled all right. “Well, how about your girl? Still saving her text bombs?”
Ugh, back to reality. “Not today, please. I’m not in a mood for cleaning her spam. Up for a morning shower?”
“It’s still late night, doofus.”
“Time to hit the bed again, I see.” There, she giggled again. “But about the prez..”
“Of course not. You do understand you and I are more than living a high school romance like he wanted to, right?” Now it’s her turn to reassure myself of what she saw in me.
“Yeah, with sex.”
“Please, you know more as I do.” She smugly grinned. “We’ve already committed to each other, don’t we?”
“And we know it’s not the time yet.”
“So we had fun for a while as we keep this as our little secret.”
“Until comes the right time when we proposed each other.”
“Aww, that’s sweet. You do still remember our promise.” From a simple rest, now she snuggled to me, holding me as if I’m going to leave any second she let her hands go.
“Good night.” I patted her head.
“I love you,” she muttered as she went soundly asleep.
That was the time where both of us already understood each other, and leapt past the carnal desire into a mutual feeling of longing. I thought to myself if there were any people who were like us, realizing the feeling beyond simple sexual attractions, mating, and not even pretending like we know more than the adults do. The more mature relationship unbound by any codes and norms.
“What’s wrong? You’re spacing out.”
“Nothing, really. Probably.” I was reassuring myself, as if it was not obvious enough to her. She was staring at me right from the bed with sheets covering her chest down to her feet. Her wavy hair looked nice beneath the lights seeping in from the outside. She was a bit tired…heh, of course she was. We did the whole night like a pair of energizer bunnies.
“Did something happen at school? Probably?” There’s her teasing. Of course she wasn’t expecting an immediate reply, nor seemed to seriously asking it.
My eyes wandered for a moment to the coffee heater. Man, there’s still some more left inside the pitcher. I gestured her if she wanted some, but she shook her head in refusal. “Nope, nothing,” was my answer to her question before my reminder, “well tomorrow is going to be Sunday, so we can spend most of the day in my place.”
“Well, this is YOUR place all right,” she giggled as I went back to the bed. She then rested her head to my left, still glancing at me with those dreamy eyes. “Do you still remember the time we fucked for the first time? Back then in the school’s toilet,” She was half-whispering, finally getting drowsy.
“Hell, of course.” The slight nostalgia made us cringe in unison. “That one time we settled with petting as you complained the pain. We were so late about that.”
“But having my own virginity being taken did fucking hurts, thank you very much.” I didn’t really mind she scrambled my already messed up hairdo, as the shame was unbearable for her. “And more, you weren’t even on rubber. Of course it’s a given.”
“Well, in case you’re forgetting something it was you who asked first.”
“T-that’s… Oh, my fault then.” The luminescence from outside was enough to expose her rosy cheeks even without the lights on.
The dim lighting turns our world into a chiaroscuro, perfectly emphasizes her slender curves not yet covered by the sheets. Some of the stars reflected nicely on her thin-rimmed glasses. The hint of elegance was all over her face with the firm stare and thin lip of hers. Her supposedly tied in a ponytail hair like her usual hairdo when at school was not there, instead changed into a sultry wave down to her shoulder.
And there she began to speak,
“I’ll probably answer his letter in Monday.” She heaved into a sigh before continuing, “You don’t really mind if I dated the Student Prez for now, right?”
“The President?” She nodded. “Having fun once in a while is okay, I guess. There’s still a year left before we’ll go to college together.”
Yeah, she chortled all right. “Well, how about your girl? Still saving her text bombs?”
Ugh, back to reality. “Not today, please. I’m not in a mood for cleaning her spam. Up for a morning shower?”
“It’s still late night, doofus.”
“Time to hit the bed again, I see.” There, she giggled again. “But about the prez..”
“Of course not. You do understand you and I are more than living a high school romance like he wanted to, right?” Now it’s her turn to reassure myself of what she saw in me.
“Yeah, with sex.”
“Please, you know more as I do.” She smugly grinned. “We’ve already committed to each other, don’t we?”
“And we know it’s not the time yet.”
“So we had fun for a while as we keep this as our little secret.”
“Until comes the right time when we proposed each other.”
“Aww, that’s sweet. You do still remember our promise.” From a simple rest, now she snuggled to me, holding me as if I’m going to leave any second she let her hands go.
“Good night.” I patted her head.
“I love you,” she muttered as she went soundly asleep.
That was the time where both of us already understood each other, and leapt past the carnal desire into a mutual feeling of longing. I thought to myself if there were any people who were like us, realizing the feeling beyond simple sexual attractions, mating, and not even pretending like we know more than the adults do. The more mature relationship unbound by any codes and norms.
2
So if I get this correctly it is about a couple in a very open relationship having some sort of pillow talk about the past, present, and future. It is all I can make out of it, so I might have missed the punchline. It is a cute story though.
1
Chiligyro wrote...
So if I get this correctly it is about a couple in a very open relationship having some sort of pillow talk about the past, present, and future. It is all I can make out of it, so I might have missed the punchline. It is a cute story though.you're so close to the punchline! It's all about how romantic infatuation is actually unrelated to how society define couple relationships :3
1
I think it's missing something. It's clear what the message is when you outright say it, and then I go back and read it again. The first time I read it however, I wasn't entirely sure what to make of it.
I think some of the dialogue could use work as well.
I think some of the dialogue could use work as well.
1
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
I think it's missing something. It's clear what the message is when you outright say it, and then I go back and read it again. The first time I read it however, I wasn't entirely sure what to make of it.I think some of the dialogue could use work as well.
definitely noted in future stories. thanks! :D
2
it's a nicely written story, but i'm not really sure what is their actual relationship. so i'll probably go along with the comments above. having had no recollection of such experiences (never been in a relationship) probably made me unable to get the subtle hints at all.
well, maybe it's just me.
well, maybe it's just me.
1
high_time wrote...
it's a nicely written story, but i'm not really sure what is their actual relationship. so i'll probably go along with the comments above. having had no recollection of such experiences (never been in a relationship) probably made me unable to get the subtle hints at all. well, maybe it's just me.
The relationship is intentionally ambiguous, even though there lies a romantic subtext beneath it because that's exactly the point of the story. Love does not always defined by how we see in relationship terms :3
1
Cute story.
However, as with d(^_^)(^_^)d, I didn't get what the moral was at first until you told Chiligyro. In my opinion, I think you should make the moral more obvious in the story itself, in a way that's implied and not very explicit. Also, I'd suggest you reread your story since there are a few grammatical errors here and there.
That is all. Good job!
However, as with d(^_^)(^_^)d, I didn't get what the moral was at first until you told Chiligyro. In my opinion, I think you should make the moral more obvious in the story itself, in a way that's implied and not very explicit. Also, I'd suggest you reread your story since there are a few grammatical errors here and there.
That is all. Good job!
0
RavenxSinon wrote...
Cute story.However, as with d(^_^)(^_^)d, I didn't get what the moral was at first until you told Chiligyro. In my opinion, I think you should make the moral more obvious in the story itself, in a way that's implied and not very explicit. Also, I'd suggest you reread your story since there are a few grammatical errors here and there.
That is all. Good job!
Will note this :3. Thanks for the feedback
1
It is a cute story.
I made this out to be a story about a couple in a open relationship. It's a difference in culture, but relationship like this is traditionally frowned upon in my Asian standards, so I may not interpret this as well as the others. I personally think that such a open relationship isn't the best example to show what you wanted to show in this story. In another words, I think love is not truly understood by people who are in a open relationship, contrary to what you try to make out to be. So, I was also confused about what was the moral of the story until you pointed it out at the end of the story and in the comments above. Young people always complain about the bound of society's discipline and standards, but they also need to know that the bounds has existed for a long time and they exist for a reason. That is to say, I think you could have made the message in this story stronger and more visible to convince the readers, because as you have read, none of us who read your story was entirely sure what you was trying to say.
It could be just me.
About the grammar aspect, I think it's pretty good. A few grammatical mistakes. You would also want to work on your cohesiveness of some sentences and your dialogue.
All in all, credit is given when it's due, so I think it's not a bad job. Good luck to you in the contest.
I made this out to be a story about a couple in a open relationship. It's a difference in culture, but relationship like this is traditionally frowned upon in my Asian standards, so I may not interpret this as well as the others. I personally think that such a open relationship isn't the best example to show what you wanted to show in this story. In another words, I think love is not truly understood by people who are in a open relationship, contrary to what you try to make out to be. So, I was also confused about what was the moral of the story until you pointed it out at the end of the story and in the comments above. Young people always complain about the bound of society's discipline and standards, but they also need to know that the bounds has existed for a long time and they exist for a reason. That is to say, I think you could have made the message in this story stronger and more visible to convince the readers, because as you have read, none of us who read your story was entirely sure what you was trying to say.
It could be just me.
About the grammar aspect, I think it's pretty good. A few grammatical mistakes. You would also want to work on your cohesiveness of some sentences and your dialogue.
All in all, credit is given when it's due, so I think it's not a bad job. Good luck to you in the contest.
1
I was left with a feeling of:
What is the moral?
Are they friends with benefits?
Do the guy love the girl back?
Are they just young people exploring their sexual desires?
It was cute and sweet and you can feel that the characters are close, but close as in a relationship? If so are they knowingly cheating on each other? Perhaps to try different options in life than staying with their first love forever? Or are they perhaps friends with benefits who might and might not want to take the next step into a relationship? I was a bit confused and had so many questions I wanted an answer too. Otherwise I think it was a cute romance story, would have loved more info about the characters but else fine~
What is the moral?
Are they friends with benefits?
Do the guy love the girl back?
Are they just young people exploring their sexual desires?
It was cute and sweet and you can feel that the characters are close, but close as in a relationship? If so are they knowingly cheating on each other? Perhaps to try different options in life than staying with their first love forever? Or are they perhaps friends with benefits who might and might not want to take the next step into a relationship? I was a bit confused and had so many questions I wanted an answer too. Otherwise I think it was a cute romance story, would have loved more info about the characters but else fine~
1
Good god, it's been years since the last time I've been here. Yes, I am NessaVerne, but changed my account due to forgetting it even existed in the first place orz. Even though I didn't passed the contest, I'm still here for nostalgia sake (lmao).
I made this out to be a story about a couple in a open relationship. It's a difference in culture, but relationship like this is traditionally frowned upon in my Asian standards, so I may not interpret this as well as the others. I personally think that such a open relationship isn't the best example to show what you wanted to show in this story. In another words, I think love is not truly understood by people who are in a open relationship, contrary to what you try to make out to be. So, I was also confused about what was the moral of the story until you pointed it out at the end of the story and in the comments above. Young people always complain about the bound of society's discipline and standards, but they also need to know that the bounds has existed for a long time and they exist for a reason. That is to say, I think you could have made the message in this story stronger and more visible to convince the readers, because as you have read, none of us who read your story was entirely sure what you was trying to say.
It could be just me.
About the grammar aspect, I think it's pretty good. A few grammatical mistakes. You would also want to work on your cohesiveness of some sentences and your dialogue.
All in all, credit is given when it's due, so I think it's not a bad job. Good luck to you in the contest.
Yes, you get where the inspiration came from. Relationships in Asian is generally even more conservative, but it's exactly the message I tried to convey in questioning the society's outlook in open relationships. And yes, thank you so much for the feedback back then.
What is the moral?
Are they friends with benefits?
Do the guy love the girl back?
Are they just young people exploring their sexual desires?
It was cute and sweet and you can feel that the characters are close, but close as in a relationship? If so are they knowingly cheating on each other? Perhaps to try different options in life than staying with their first love forever? Or are they perhaps friends with benefits who might and might not want to take the next step into a relationship? I was a bit confused and had so many questions I wanted an answer too. Otherwise I think it was a cute romance story, would have loved more info about the characters but else fine~
I deliberately made it ambiguous in how they view their own relationships, because they are equally confused in how 'love' mean for themselves. Thank you so much.
It's crazy to re-read this story again by today's perspective, but some things didn't change even when three years has passed. I made a hentai doujinshi with my friend this year. It's recently released in the comics section and of course, I incorporated the same view I had when writing the above story in this manga too. I hope you guys like it, so here's the link of the manga we made:
https://www.fakku.net/hentai/after-hours-english
Dawn_of_Dark wrote...
It is a cute story.I made this out to be a story about a couple in a open relationship. It's a difference in culture, but relationship like this is traditionally frowned upon in my Asian standards, so I may not interpret this as well as the others. I personally think that such a open relationship isn't the best example to show what you wanted to show in this story. In another words, I think love is not truly understood by people who are in a open relationship, contrary to what you try to make out to be. So, I was also confused about what was the moral of the story until you pointed it out at the end of the story and in the comments above. Young people always complain about the bound of society's discipline and standards, but they also need to know that the bounds has existed for a long time and they exist for a reason. That is to say, I think you could have made the message in this story stronger and more visible to convince the readers, because as you have read, none of us who read your story was entirely sure what you was trying to say.
It could be just me.
About the grammar aspect, I think it's pretty good. A few grammatical mistakes. You would also want to work on your cohesiveness of some sentences and your dialogue.
All in all, credit is given when it's due, so I think it's not a bad job. Good luck to you in the contest.
Yes, you get where the inspiration came from. Relationships in Asian is generally even more conservative, but it's exactly the message I tried to convey in questioning the society's outlook in open relationships. And yes, thank you so much for the feedback back then.
xhimitsu wrote...
I was left with a feeling of: What is the moral?
Are they friends with benefits?
Do the guy love the girl back?
Are they just young people exploring their sexual desires?
It was cute and sweet and you can feel that the characters are close, but close as in a relationship? If so are they knowingly cheating on each other? Perhaps to try different options in life than staying with their first love forever? Or are they perhaps friends with benefits who might and might not want to take the next step into a relationship? I was a bit confused and had so many questions I wanted an answer too. Otherwise I think it was a cute romance story, would have loved more info about the characters but else fine~
I deliberately made it ambiguous in how they view their own relationships, because they are equally confused in how 'love' mean for themselves. Thank you so much.
It's crazy to re-read this story again by today's perspective, but some things didn't change even when three years has passed. I made a hentai doujinshi with my friend this year. It's recently released in the comics section and of course, I incorporated the same view I had when writing the above story in this manga too. I hope you guys like it, so here's the link of the manga we made:
https://www.fakku.net/hentai/after-hours-english
1
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
nyasuverse wrote...
Good god, it's been years since the last time I've been here. Yes, I am NessaVerne, but changed my account due to forgetting it even existed in the first place orz. Even though I didn't passed the contest, I'm still here for nostalgia sake (lmao).It's crazy to re-read this story again by today's perspective, but some things didn't change even when three years has passed. I made a hentai doujinshi with my friend this year. It's recently released in the comics section and of course, I incorporated the same view I had when writing the above story in this manga too. I hope you guys like it, so here's the link of the manga we made:
https://www.fakku.net/hentai/after-hours-english
Welcome back for your visit, NessaVerne/Nyasu. It may seem like forever ago, but I still remember you writing this piece and reading through it.
We all learn, change, and grow. It makes me happy to see what you've been working hard to create. Congratulations on the release of your doujinshi. I'm sure you must have worked hard to make it, and it was a pleasure to read.
Feel free to stop by and say hello for the next manga you release, or even before then if you'd like.
Best wishes for success,
-X
