[Winter Contest Entry 2014]“The pieces I lost for my puzzle"

I really enjoyed your story. At first I was a bit confused about the style but ended up liking it more and more as I kept reading. It sure reminded me of a play or maybe just a scenario writing for movies? Also at first I thought Hubert was an adult because of his name and thought it would end up as some weird forbidden pedophile love story /not that it is bad considering I read Lolita/. But I'm glad it didn't.

The theme of war is as always sad and hard for me to deal with because of childhood trauma, but your story reminded me a bit of pearl harbor and howl's moving castle. With the promise between hubert and vi. The way if I got it right hubert died. The announcing about how the war was coming along. I especially liked the many random characters though it made me lose overview sometimes it also gave me the general feeling of how it feels to be at war from different people's point of view also it gave me an even stronger feeling of movie/play scene writing? As if I was watching your story as a movie. And the scientist part was so amusing too since I had technology history in school about exactly the scientists during second world war.

Some things I'm a bit confused about is the Asian ppl talking about the french, is that Vietnam during the vietnam war or did my mind just take a long jump away from topic? Also I'm bad at the entire morale thing so if it isnt in my face I don't know. I know you said it is up to the individual but I really didn't know? Maybe something like sometimes you have to sacrifice to gain? Dunno.

Overall I really liked your story it made me want to read more about the characters. What happened later, before, inbetween etc etc ~

I really appreciate your comments. I've thought about it very much. I feel the same way. I can't change the way I write, much like I can't change the way I am based on anyone's preference. On the other hand, though, a writer can't say that he write for himself to read. He writes for the ones that appreciate his writings, and the best thing a writer can do is constantly improving himself so more will appreciate his works. Sadly, I see that a lot of currently popular books in the market try hard to appeal to a large numbers of people, like The Hunger Games. I dislike such thing.

I never interpret anyone's opinion as they're trying to tell me to change what I've got. Rather, I see them as the ways I can improve what I have. Same goes for your opinions about this writing of mine.

After all, what I'm trying to say is, I share your opinion of writers should not be bound to the demands of the masses, but only to his own abilities to express himself through words. Thank you very much for this comment. It was very thought-provoking.

I'm glad that you liked my story. I do agree that it seems like a movie screenplay somehow after I re-read it myself, though it wasn't my intention to do so. But I'm fairly satisfied to see how it turns out to be good effects. It's maybe a little abstract but if you have good knowledge on WW2, you should be able to see the chronological order throughout the piece. I also reveal some thinking behind the scientist part in the first page of the post, in the comments' spoilers, since one of the readers asked me about that part. I think you'll be amused to read that.



The scenario is indeed taking place in Vietnam during the Vietnam War after the World War II. What I tried to achieve with that part is that I wanted to show that even after the WW2 has ended, there are still wars raging and people suffering in other parts of the world. And I decided to use Vietnam during 1945-1954, when the French is attacking the country the second time in an attempt to retake it after being overthrown the first time, as a scenario for that purpose. I was worried that readers won't get the idea, because, as you can probably see from the story, I used names of the characters as way to indicate their nationalities, and people would not be familiar with Vietnamese names. I'm glad to see that it wasn't a hindrance, though.

I'm not sure about the moral of the story myself, but I will interpret it as 'Wars and conflicts only bring sufferings to people everywhere. But human's feelings, love for each other, always come through as their salvation.' or something like that. Maybe. Maybe you can look for it in the comments in the previous page.



I appreciate your time and you input. I may revisit this theme in the future.

I have questions for you though. Are you just a reader, you don't write, 'cause I don't see your entry? Or was it that you didn't finish it in time?

I did read that part and I was indeed very amused by it xb



I did notice the difference in name using since I'm a sucker for etymology. But tbh I couldn't always figure out exact which country was which since some common fx German names might be as used in other german speaking countries like Austria or Switzerland. Though I guessed most of them or had valid guesses lol. I didn't feel the Vietnam war was out of place or hindrance at all I thought it fit in just perfectly. I liked the timeline thing too, but I have to admit my history memories are crap and I didn't know exact when the Vietnam war was but just that it was after WWII.
I may be part Viet but I totally couldn't tell the names was vietnamese lol. That might be bad on my part and not yours. I'm not very well taught in Vietnamese culture, but the scene and the song reminded me of a very popular old Chinese song which also is popular in Vietnam and especially during that time (or so I was told) and some stories I heard from my uncles and dad. Personal experience and knowledge lol.



I like that moral, it is so true and it kind of show us the nature of humanity. How we never agrees, fight for the power to be able to claim to be right and in the end some things we all agree and share, is that we want to protect out loved ones and help the ones we care about in need. It is a good choice of moral! ^^



You are very welcome, I was enjoying reading your story too so Thank you for sharing! Well if you do, I will gladly read it! ~ Though I don't dwell in this part of the forum that often, so if you remember and if I remember you can send me a pm and ofc I'll try to come around more to read stuff.



I would lie if I said I wasn't a writer. Though I have only posted one thing here and tbh I feel Fakku! writers are quite amazing and I might feel a bit intimidated to post anything especially by not being native English and having poor preposition grammar lol Hate dem prepositions.

Also I don't feel like the genre I like to write fit in on a hentai board with 80% being guys. I would have considered entering if it wasn't because of my exams and I didn't notice /lol I fail/ but I'm okay with it too since I'm bad with deadlines. I enjoy literature and feel like coming here whenever I have time or want to read some reflections of other people's minds! Thank you for asking me though, sorry my answer might be a bit disappointing though! ^^;

Sorry I couldn't find the time to reply earlier.



Glad you was.




What I meant by 'hindrance' wasn't that I feel the Vietnam war part was out of place, I meant the way I'm using names to indicate characters' nationalities. tbh I'm not really sure about the manes themselves, because I'm not familiar with those country's culture and history. But using names was only one of many ways I tried to use to help readers identify the characters' origins, so I guess it's fine anyway.



lol that song was made-up XD. I meant, not entirely made-up, something abstract was kinda going through my mind when I wrote those lyrics. Maybe it was really some songs that I couldn't remember myself, but honestly I didn't translate those lyrics from a known song.



I don't come here that much either, at least in last year. Maybe I'll try to write more this year.



I'm not a native English speaker myself, and I'm sure most of these guys aren't either. But that didn't stop them from posting stuffs here. So in any case I'm sure people would appreciate your stories if you're willing to post them here.

I'm curious though. What genre is universally defined as not fit for males to read? I mean, I'm not sure about others, but I can say that I will read whatever I find interesting. Mushy love shoujo stories? I don't think guys won't read that. Gay stories? We have an entry this year on that matter too. Make-up instructions? I don't think guys don't ever do make-ups. So I'm curious.

Oh and looks like you don't really visit here much, so please take the chance to say congratulations to the winners of this year's event.

Don't worry about it, we all are busy with RL things too.



Oh Sorry for misunderstanding that xD but yeah I think it worked fine! You might have wanted to check up on the names if you didn't already do that though just to make sure they had origin in the country of your choice.



I reread the lyrics again after replying and yup. It is definitely not the same song, but It just reminded me of the other one. Guess Asians have a thing for making love songs be it sad or affected.



You should! Best way to improve is to keep practicing ~



Wait you aren't? o__o I thought you were.. if I may ask where are you from?
Sadly I have OCD so might be too nervous but if I ever write something I'm satisfied with I will post it even with all my grammar errors, plain and boring story line and two dimensional characters xD




yeah whatever you find interesting I'm not sure other people will find what I like to write interesting since it can be kind of weird lol. Grown up with pretty screwed up literature, it can gets pretty weird and crazy if I have to say. I like to focus on social problems which is so stereotypical. Also I like to believe I'm good at writing psychological stuff since it is my favourite but honestly speaking I know I'm not.
Funny that you mention those; I used to write a lot of sparkly shoujo romance, but lately they have become pretty dark and screwed up lol. Also the make up and gay story part haha. I don't write yaoi/gay stories but I have a short story about shoujo sparkles and the main heroine wanting to become a make up artist~ Well I'm glad to hear you are curious and it is kind of encouraging. I will reconsider posting more here c:



Haha Thank you for notifying me about that! I just did! ^^)/

I'm not all that comfortable making myself known publicly on the Internet, so I'll send you a PM.



People don't mind weird stuffs here, as long as they're good writings. If you need some proofs to back up that statement, look up some some of El Chacal or leonard267's previous entries in past contests (if you haven't read them already), they gets seriously weird (sick to some degree too). Glad that you're more encouraged to participate.

Despite initial plot confusions and some grammatical inconsistencies and errors, this piece really speaks to the heart of the terrors of war. Even those who win can still lose in many ways. I feel like the personal element behind each of these unique stories and people is reminiscent of our own lives and histories. For our grandparents and great grandparents, and great great grandparents, how did they manage their lives around the inevitability of constant unknown and threatening war?

If I may recommend a film for you to watch after having written this, I would suggest The Wind Rises by Hayao Miyazaki, his final masterpiece before retiring. Having seen that shortly before reading this, the images are quite clear. Well done on this.

Disclaimer: For those unaware, the Track Changes mode in Word 2007+ provides an efficient and handy method to review written material. The black vertical line to the left of the written lines indicate a change edited in the corresponding horizontal written line. All font that is blue are direct changes to the original text. Words and letters that have strike-through are suggested removal and those with an underline are suggested additions. Comments, as you can see, highlight an appropriate area and are placed in the right-hand margin followed by a dotted line corresponding to the correct comment.

As always, if you have any questions or concern over specific edits or about parts of your story in general, I would be happy to discuss them.

Images from my Word document are below.

I am in agreement with high_time over here. You are right to say that it felt like FGRaptor's winning entry titled Regret (which I disliked). My tastes are rather old fashioned when it comes to reading. A normal narrative where the characters and setting are introduced properly (some say spoon-fed) and where time skips or changes in location made sense is what I prefer.

A problem I encountered with the entry is the sheer amount of characters introduced. With the possible exception of the Hubert and Vianna, I have no idea who the characters in the entry are and what do they do. The sudden change in setting and plot from being bullied at the playground to experiments that questioned Einstein's laws was mind boggling to me. (I can never figure out that the experiment involved time travel until you pointed it out.)

I personally prefer a bit of foreshadowing or at least a bit of exposition of what happened in each scene so as not to be confused as to what is happening. Describing who is yelling "Hissatsu" and for whom he is fighting for would help.

It is hard for me to make out anything from this other than vague references to the theatres of WWII and the Vietnam War followed by a veteran relating his experiences to someone else (?) because how it is written. Perhaps it all boils down to a matter of taste. I have made it clear (if you had the misfortune to read my many arguments with many users in this forum) that I dislike stories written like these.

I was told that I require 'imagination' to appreciate stories like these. I am afraid to say that I don't like using my imagination to figure out plot when I am reading be it a book or a document. You can arrive at any conclusion!

There is one thing that I thought made this entry better than FGRaptor's though. It is how brief and concise the first few parts were. Don't take my criticism too hard. It is really just a matter of taste over here.

People don't mind weird stuffs here, as long as they're good writings. If you need some proofs to back up that statement, look up some some of El Chacal or leonard267's previous entries in past contests (if you haven't read them already), they gets seriously weird (sick to some degree too). Glad that you're more encouraged to participate.[/quote]

Those two are actually write a lot of things I like XDD I read most of both their stories.

No offense were taken. I'm fully aware of what your taste in stories is. You were right that this is just a matter of taste, some might like it, some might not. Like I've said previously, I wanted to try something new this year, so I had already expected to be met with ill favor from someone (I expected mostly you though, 'cause I know you don't enjoy this kind of thing).

I've also already said it to high_time, I intended to write the story this way. You might be right we you said I could have used more exposition or introduced the characters and the settings more clearly, but they would not be my intention then. If I were ever to rewrite it, I would not change the format anyhow, perhaps only smoothing out the dialogues and fix some grammatical errors.

My story was built from actual historical event (the WW2), so it is a hurdle to fully grasp the idea if the reader is not an enthusiast on the subject. It could be my bad, though. You should do some research if you care about understanding some details that I wrote. About that 'Hissatsu' part specifically, they were special Japanese pilots served in the WW2 who were called 'Kamikaze pilots'. In short, their missions were to fly suicidally with cargo consisted of bombs and explosive into enemies' ships and damage them. Read more about it here if you are interested.

I actually share your preference of stories establishing clear characters and settings while I read books. I hate it when they keep me in the dark of who and what I'm reading about. I'd be also very annoyed if I were to waste my time reading a story only to find out that the story is not going to conclude with a definite ending, a 'open ending', you may call it. However, all that changes if it were just a short story, I don't have any problem with it then. It's better to be able to conclude at any conclusion with this story in particular, since a lot of the readers have pointed out things that I weren't aware of initially when I was writing this.

That reminds me, would you be doing parodies of entries like you did last year?



Thank you for your time in making this. While I don't have any arguments with the grammars, I do have some comments.

About the Russian part, it was just my bad vocabulary that I made them speak English weirdly. It wasn't my intention to make them speak like that. I also agree that I should have shortened 'Hubert' to 'Hugh', I feel kinda silly now that I wrote 'Hub', haha.

I'll be honest, it took me a while to warm up to this story. The flipping of scenes and the wide array of characters being used is not going to sit well with many people, especially if they don't give your work a little time to sit. It was only after several rereads and some time to think (and some help from Xenon), I have learned to appreciate your work.

I think you've written in a way that is a double-edged sword. The jarring nature of your story is undoubtedly intended, but because of how jarring it is, it is also very difficult to grasp and immerse yourself in. Xenon described your piece akin to a screenplay like you would see in movies, and I would agree that you've done something similar. However, it is important to understand that the information you can fit in a series of pictures is arguably a lot more than what you can fit in a paragraph, namely settings. Unlike pictures, your paragraphs are focused on characters and their dialogue. The 'risk' that you run is that the reader will have trouble understand when, where, and which 'side' these people are on.

However, as I was saying, your work is a double-edged sword to me. The risks that you run can quickly turn into powerful techniques, but that is not up to you in this case, it is up to the reader. If the reader shifts their perspective on the story, and instead of looking for a story between characters, and a story instead about war, then things become much more immersive. Both the chaos that the characters experience and the readers feel from the constant transition work in harmony to paint a picture where war is the antagonist and where no 'side' really wins.

I do think there is some work to be done though. Grammar and structure aside, I do think that your work benefits more from the chaos more than anything. I believe that having Hubert and Vianna have so much space ends up holding back your work and its underlying theme of a war that does not discriminate when it comes to victims. Having the first four sections zone in on their lives sets up your story to be a more traditional one, which is misleading as you pretty much disregard their relationship up until the end. Since there is such a large gap and so much happening between the beginning and the end, by the end I felt a large disconnect from Vianna and Hubert.

I believe your story can be understood as two 'main stories'. The first being Hubert and Vianna's relationship and love. The second one being the war and the victim it takes. I believe trying to flesh out these two ideas resulted in two ideas that were executed well, but not exceptionally. It's hard to say if your work would have been better if you sacrificed/downsized one idea to flesh out the other, but I think it is something worth considering.

Nonetheless, I've read your works since you've joined, and I think this is your best work yet. It took me a bit of time, but I'm glad I got to really understand your entry because damn, it really is tragic how unrelenting war can be. You've done a good job to display that. I hope you keep coming back to write more!

That depends if I have the time to do so which I really doubt I have. That is not to say that I have ideas in my head. I already have an idea how a parody of your entry would be like. (I think you might find it a bit unflattering to your entry if I wrote it out)

While I won't be seeing myself centralizing on Vianna and Hubert in the story, all your other criticisms were solid and I will use them to improve my future writings.