[Winter Contest Entry 2014The Vivid Dreaming Soul of Mister

“The Vivid Dreaming Soul of Mister”
“Fucking shit,” I think as I go along running in my room with loud banter as the voices get louder in my head. I can’t conceive what the hell I did, what I am…what society wants me to be? I knew I was sick, and as such I kept it in my head. Anyone who was deemed immoral, or whatever the fuck it meant, was forced to be on a regiment of pills. Mental illness became known as “The Horrors” in society, and society bloody well wanted the mess to be quelled over with. Like the sheep who all were for this remarkable change, we lined up for the medicine to get cured from our stress disorders. Now, the real world was the dream world, and the opposite, being the lucid one. Now with the roles turned around, no crime or murder could occur in this bullshit world. Now you can murder, and kill only to a certain limit before the morality pills can no longer save you. Now back to my conundrum. There were limits to how you can act in this world, but we don’t talk about these limits. As long as you didn’t get sick and perverted, you could organize clubs and gangs to live out the fantasies I supposed. But, because of multiple personality disorders, I could switch to multiple realms of fuck all. So virtually, I like others like me, were forced to uses these “curses” to be police in this world, or face executions in the real world. Anyhow, as I do this inner monologue, I realized I broke one of the rules I told ya’ fucks about. Little did I know I would find the truth of the reality of this world and what is my limit of being moral…?

“Your first mission is to follow and decide whether this women, Jane Faultron, is immoral,” said the man in the shadows of my mind.
“Me?” “A man who was declared to be insane… who distrusts the system, has to decide on who is righteous or not for the system?”
“Exactly”, he said with a laugh still to this day I remember.
“You see, we need people like you with vivid dreams who can use this new found psychosis to determine others.”
“Now, this target is a women who has been declared to be an anomaly like you, but she doesn’t have any vividness in her dreams, which means her carnal desires can’t be expressed…
I thought for a moment. What is wrong with that? Isn’t it insane and immoral itself to have a society be pure in the outside with no thoughts of anything when it came to sex or anything these guys think is wrong…what is the point of this?
“So how do I do this, inner-voice, and what will happen?” I questioned.
“Well, only you can judge your asymptomatic kind and you will maybe have to re-map her by killing her in this state, but she will not die.”
“Anyway, you’ll go via the networks that all living sentiment beings can feel through from electrostatic signals sent by brains…
I can’t explain it, but suddenly I felt my dream go dark from talking to this voice, to going to a house that was on a hill. I then use my skills in imagination to form a gun. I decided. Since this isn’t the real world. I can easily murder this women in this world since she won’t die. But, wait. This may be the dream world, but the roles of the dream world and the real world changed. So wouldn’t killing her be wrong?
“Fucking hell, I don’t know…”
“Shut up and obey! This world’s no longer yours. The group is now in-charge of the morality of this world. Now go kill her… hell, do whatever since it is not immoral…,” said another voice out of nowhere in my dream mixed with the target’s dream.
I broke in the door, and so there I saw her. She laid quietly there in a chair looking at me smiling…She said, “Well, I knew you’d come, and I hope you don’t mind me be naked.”
“You know I could do anything to you right here before I can kill you...”
I aimed the gun that I imagined, and I thought of chains holding her. They appeared and bounded her.
“So aren’t you curious Mister why that voice of yours wants me dead so bad…”
“Shut up!” I said as I pulled my trigger on the gun.
“…”
“Whhhhat? Why the fuck will this piece of shit not fire?
She laughed and said, “Well, it seems that your other personality of morality wants to hear what I have to say. I’ll make it quick.”
She breaks the chains somehow, and the world turns to a giant liquid which resembled pools of lubricant, and then I was strapped to a cross. I tried to reach for my gun, but I paused...
She then preceded to touch me and finger me in my ass. How could she do this? How could this so called person who was supposed to have no immorality to use in this world could suddenly do this?
“My, my. Your secondary voice who gave you the mission deemed that I was not fit for this order of morality, since it was deemed my thoughts were too useless to express. What gives the group’s morality to JUDGE ME? Wasn’t the idea of us expressing ourselves not supposed to have a limit?”
She said this and stop, since she noticed I wasn’t enjoying this experience.
Then it hit me somewhat. The voice had lied to me and told me to judge her based on my morality. But it wasn’t mine, it was the voices, which was supposed to represent the group’s collective thoughts on it.
“Enjoy it, I’m your seed. You’ll be the one whom will change the society from within our minds to get rid of these chains of oppression which conflict the belief on morality,” said a new voice. I then proceeded to stop struggling and let her play with me. I think I got it. She’s not someone else, and maybe this is a weird talent fabrication I created with my split personality disorder? This is the fetish I was embarrassed to keep from society since it is taboo. I enjoy sex that was a little different from the norm that was banned before the end of old society.
“No! I won’t let this reflection change you Mister,” said a weird entity that split from me with its mouth shut with nails. It then broke the cross and proceeded to get me off. I was lost in this delusion by now, but I won’t forget it! It grabbed the gun and shot it. I watched the women Jane hit the ground.
“Hypocrite!”
That’s all I thought about that new found form.
“So? I was allowed to murder, and you gave me this form. So aren’t you a hypocrite?
“No, I realized I did the wrong action in the first place by letting you form from my fear.” “But if I kill you, and reverse this decision, I’ll bring her back!”
“No,” the voice said. “I afraid it is too late. You judged her, and she’s dead!”
“You see, I shot her and she died for real. And… I ... really enjoyed it!”
I paused and fell to the floor. Even though I did not know her personally, I got what she was doing. She was showing me that this world while it allows you to live your fantasies, one person will still judge others and base their morality on the main group since the creators harvested us all. I then knew what I must do.
I thought vividly as ever! The world changed black then to white. Just like the earlier humans, I gain foresight into actual human judgment. I then woke up…
I felt it was a dream until I saw this women again in my bed. Suddenly the bed and the world itself seemed like it dropped into a black hole. I then saw all my past selves from different dream states. I had decided, I will kill them.
I lost count at first, but then I was left with the one who killed her.
I then thought of the most deprived things that can happen to him.
“Just don’t kill me. If you do, you’ll see the real fabric of the world. Killing me will be killing yourself. Why this for a random women? Who made you a judge of others? Isn’t that against your beliefs? The last guy pleaded, but I didn’t care. I went right up and imagine him melting slowly. And then I fell into a hole, which I now recognize as despair.
I then woke again.
“What the fuck is with this waking up crap? Doc, these drugs ain’t helping!” As I said it I realized what happened. I walked toward the window of the hospital bed and saw what was occurring.
I realized the plan had fail. I’ve been apparently in a sanatorium these past few days. And society had declined further past a point. I guess I would give up, then I saw it as clear as day. There was the women in my dreams being rounded up by an angry crowd. People were fighting and accusing each other of crashing the dream world and being degenerates against the new order of things. I ran into the crowd getting pushed punched and trampled. I cried as I saw she was fleeting away from me forcefully by the men.
“Kill the degenerate! She’s one of them,” said a man trying to load a pistol.
“See I told you. Now, what will you do? You never listened as a gate keeper, and now the world that was so perfect with no crime is now chaotic,” said the annoying voice again.
“Well, it was obvious that this was going to happen since you let an anomaly escape. It is natural for humans even now being perfect to sense a weakness and destroy it!
I laughed back at the voice and realize what this all means. If she can’t be accepted into this society and have her own niche, then I’ll give her it!
“You’re right voice! That’s why I’ll create it for her, I said.
I ran toward the obstruction were I saw they hid her. I notice the guy earlier was about to load his gun into her. I then with a loud thunderous scream came and grabbed him. Boy I didn’t think it out. As I wrestled for the gun, he shot me once. But I manage to grab the trigger guard and force him to shoot himself. His posy who was returning back to see if he did the deed came back. I was bleeding out. I grabbed and fired 4 shots and they scattered.
“Why? Why go through the trouble for a deviant like me,” said Jane.
“I recognized you from the dream, and I knew…if…if you can’t enjoy paradise with the rest of society in both worlds, then the system is…fucked,” I said as I couldn’t get the sentence to come out as I bled heavily.
She cried, but hugged and kissed me.
“I knew I committed a sin for killing him and breaking our codes of society for the real world, but for the first time…
“The first time…” said the collection of voices.
“I FELT AND HUMAN!” And as I screamed it, I felt myself fading in the real dream world.
Well, I did something right, but why can’t I just stop crying!
“Fucking shit…”

I don't even know what to say. Even if the plot wasn't so all over the place, your writing would make it difficult to follow. I got snatches of what could be an interesting and inventive story, but it needs a lot of work.

Yeah. I didn't know of these competition until two days left, so I didn't have a chance to perfect it. But the gist of it is that the guy or character himself is ill mentally, so his story worlds themselves are skewed and supposed to be hard to follow. But hey, I knew my chances are low being good at this anyway, so I focused on having fun brainstorming and trying to make something dystopic out of morality, which was hard for me since dystopic stories are usually more spread out in plot since they are longer.

I kinda got that feeling, but it was just too hard to follow.

Thanks for the input! I'll take my time next time ! I was busy weightlifting, so I barely had time to really put it how I wanted.

It was a heavy read. Mostly because it was hard to grasp the plot, but also the language. It felt like there was some words that was incredibly over-used. My advice would be to change the language used to be less repetetive, because it can be mentally exhausting to read the same thing over and over again, because if you lose it (where you are in the text), the same words makes it hard to regain it. Also, I accidently skip lines back and forth due to this (it might just be me).

It has potential, but it needs a make over. Maybe it just needs more space, without a word limit it would probably be easier to polish the story. I would love to re-read it if it got more accessible, so if you feel like it at some point, go for it.

As you have read what others had said, it definitely needs some work. If you plan to grow more as a writer, might I suggest reading and/or writing more? Your style of storytelling feels like it could be more friendly for the readers.

That said, I think I have gotten the gist of it. This guy, who is mentally ill, for some reason, became an authority in the world that gave people with mental illnesses some sort of power to do anything.
And when he was ordered to assassinate a person that is different (a person who had power but does not like to use it) he had a dilemma about morality. And after much thought, he decided not to be a dog that gets pleasure from killing (or being immoral) but felt that doing good can also feel great. And decided, ultimately even in the world that he had created upon saving Jane, that he would be morally right.

Was the moral about doing the right and humane thing even if the world tells you that it is not the way to go?

Right. So this wasn't the most understandable entry in the contest, figure, right? But that doesn't necessarily make the story itself bad. Actually, you may had done a good job since I can feel the aggressiveness of the narrator who is also the main character in the lines. But, as the others have already stated, it could use a lot more work on it, primarily on the department of choices of words, construction of lines and paragraph, cohesiveness and more natural feeling in the dialogues.

I think you have a solid setting. It remains me of a bunch of awesome sci-fi films (which is also my favorites) like The Matrix, Inception, some others and an anime called 'Psycho Pass'. More should be explained about the world and the authorities that the main guy answer to.

Have the potential to be good, but need more work. Good luck to you in the contest.

Thanks guys for the commentary.