[Winter Contest Entry 2015] Priorities.
3
æ£ç¾©
Gone
So, this is something more realistic, since it's actually based off something fairly realistic, that could happen anytime, in any major cities around the world. I don't expect it to be taken seriously as a contest entry, but wanted to submit it nonetheless, since this will be my last story until, probably, June of 2016.
Without further ado, here it is:
Without further ado, here it is:
Spoiler:
1
Yanker
I read hentai for plot
This feels more like recount of events rather than a short story. If that was your intention, then it's perfectly fine. However, if you were aiming for a short story-like piece, I would suggest perhaps finding ways to show his past rather than tell it.
For example, you could have the story begin just before he picks the fight, and then you could reveal his past in flashbacks detailing his life and explaining why he felt the need to suicide. You could even mix up the chronological order a little, although that would require some planning. At the moment, it sort of just feels like you're listing to us the events of the man's life, and you lose a lot of potential to connect more with the reader. However, trying to make something like this work is quite hard, seeing as you have to fit his entire life in only 2000 words.
As for the content itself... I'm depressed now. I hope this doesn't mirror your real life, and if it does, I hope it takes a turn for the better.
For example, you could have the story begin just before he picks the fight, and then you could reveal his past in flashbacks detailing his life and explaining why he felt the need to suicide. You could even mix up the chronological order a little, although that would require some planning. At the moment, it sort of just feels like you're listing to us the events of the man's life, and you lose a lot of potential to connect more with the reader. However, trying to make something like this work is quite hard, seeing as you have to fit his entire life in only 2000 words.
As for the content itself... I'm depressed now. I hope this doesn't mirror your real life, and if it does, I hope it takes a turn for the better.
1
æ£ç¾©
Gone
Yanker wrote...
This feels more like recount of events rather than a short story. If that was your intention, then it's perfectly fine. However, if you were aiming for a short story-like piece, I would suggest perhaps finding ways to show his past rather than tell it.For example, you could have the story begin just before he picks the fight, and then you could reveal his past in flashbacks detailing his life and explaining why he felt the need to suicide. You could even mix up the chronological order a little, although that would require some planning.
As for the content itself... I'm depressed now. I hope this doesn't mirror your real life, and if it does, I hope it takes a turn for the better.
No worries on either account - As seen in the story, everything is in past tense. I made it all first-person in order to try and pull the reader into the man's shoes, despite what limited story there was. As for the account of my own life - I'm not old enough to experience these kinds of sorrows (yet), but I can't necessarily say that this would all have been for naught, even if that were the case.
Thanks for taking the time to review my story, albeit it is WAAAAAAAY shorter than I'm used to writing, at less that 900 words to wrap up the entire story.
I miss having the time to write 5000+ word chapters within 100+ chapter books. Too bad I never finished any of my longer works, though.
Granted, this story still can't compare to anyone else's here in this contest, I'm just taking up last place so others won't have to >_>.
2
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
To start, you have some very minor errors in writing. I'd cordially advise that you double-check it before you run out of time.
Next, I'd like to say that while your prose is apparently realistic, the probabilities of it taking place is slim. Therefore, in retrospect, perhaps it's not all that realistic aside from popularly recurring in drama shows.
With the way your story is short, however, many inferences are possible. In the end, truth is stranger than fiction, and leaving things up to the human mind to figure things out is just another way of dealing with things.
That aside, classical dramatic life problems can really strike hard if it does occur in reality, and I can see how this may have tormented our protagonist for a long time. To the point that he'd take it out on people.
I cannot understand just how many possibilities there are to make one "slip up" as you put it, but I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and say it's not so hard to play the villain.
Now, regarding the question our here protagonist makes... if I were to answer, I'd claim that it is never too late to give up. Suicide is a cowardly exit to life in my opinion. I myself have considered it due to the terrible situation I was, and still am in. Yet I do understand that stress and depression are toxic ingredients that makes it appear viable for an option.
If I was in his place, I might've attempted to look for a job elsewhere, explain why I had been acting the way I did in the past to my family, and maybe search for the right path with my wife. Communication is a vital key to solving many issues, or so I think.
This banter could be worth nothing and none of my solutions may ring the imminent bell of destiny. I shall claim, though, that optimism is a great gift of humanity.
Next, I'd like to say that while your prose is apparently realistic, the probabilities of it taking place is slim. Therefore, in retrospect, perhaps it's not all that realistic aside from popularly recurring in drama shows.
With the way your story is short, however, many inferences are possible. In the end, truth is stranger than fiction, and leaving things up to the human mind to figure things out is just another way of dealing with things.
That aside, classical dramatic life problems can really strike hard if it does occur in reality, and I can see how this may have tormented our protagonist for a long time. To the point that he'd take it out on people.
I cannot understand just how many possibilities there are to make one "slip up" as you put it, but I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and say it's not so hard to play the villain.
Now, regarding the question our here protagonist makes... if I were to answer, I'd claim that it is never too late to give up. Suicide is a cowardly exit to life in my opinion. I myself have considered it due to the terrible situation I was, and still am in. Yet I do understand that stress and depression are toxic ingredients that makes it appear viable for an option.
If I was in his place, I might've attempted to look for a job elsewhere, explain why I had been acting the way I did in the past to my family, and maybe search for the right path with my wife. Communication is a vital key to solving many issues, or so I think.
This banter could be worth nothing and none of my solutions may ring the imminent bell of destiny. I shall claim, though, that optimism is a great gift of humanity.
2
the story had quite the point but i felt it's a bit predictable. it's like a what-if scenario of someone's thought rather than actual recount of real life experience.
i do get the message though. it's decent enough since i can understand the point of the story (and maybe reflect upon it too).
keep up the good work, if you polish your ideas i'm sure you can create something with a powerful impact.
i do get the message though. it's decent enough since i can understand the point of the story (and maybe reflect upon it too).
keep up the good work, if you polish your ideas i'm sure you can create something with a powerful impact.
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I am leaving this message here to tell you that I have read the entry. Will tell you what I thought of it in detail after the results are out. If you are feeling a bit down, I hope you can take comfort that at least you know what high_time thinks of the story and that I don't agree with him.
1
æ£ç¾©
Gone
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
To start, you have some very minor errors in writing. I'd cordially advise that you double-check it before you run out of time. Next, I'd like to say that while your prose is apparently realistic, the probabilities of it taking place is slim. Therefore, in retrospect, perhaps it's not all that realistic aside from popularly recurring in drama shows.
With the way your story is short, however, many inferences are possible. In the end, truth is stranger than fiction, and leaving things up to the human mind to figure things out is just another way of dealing with things.
That aside, classical dramatic life problems can really strike hard if it does occur in reality, and I can see how this may have tormented our protagonist for a long time. To the point that he'd take it out on people.
I cannot understand just how many possibilities there are to make one "slip up" as you put it, but I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and say it's not so hard to play the villain.
Now, regarding the question our here protagonist makes... if I were to answer, I'd claim that it is never too late to give up. Suicide is a cowardly exit to life in my opinion. I myself have considered it due to the terrible situation I was, and still am in. Yet I do understand that stress and depression are toxic ingredients that makes it appear viable for an option.
If I was in his place, I might've attempted to look for a job elsewhere, explain why I had been acting the way I did in the past to my family, and maybe search for the right path with my wife. Communication is a vital key to solving many issues, or so I think.
This banter could be worth nothing and none of my solutions may ring the imminent bell of destiny. I shall claim, though, that optimism is a great gift of humanity.
Thanks for taking the time to review my work!
About those errors... I couldn't find them, but it's probably a grammar or punctuation error, which I have trouble finding.
I won't be editing the story this late anyway, so would you mind pointing it out so I can avoid similar mistakes in the future?
As for the story itself - it's basically a watered-down version of something I've written before, but I can't seem to find. I wrote the details as well as I could remember, but even the original was pretty flawed in terms of logical progression.
Also, I can't remember how I wrote his work drama in the original, so sadly, the opportunities to make him 'slip-up' by malicious coworkers was the best I could slap in... or, at least that I know of.
Basically, I took an already flawed work of mine and made it even worse... It feels kind of pitiful.
Hopefully my next project won't be such a disappointment (to me).
1
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Masayoshi wrote...
Thanks for taking the time to review my work!About those errors... I couldn't find them, but it's probably a grammar or punctuation error, which I have trouble finding.
I won't be editing the story this late anyway, so would you mind pointing it out so I can avoid similar mistakes in the future?
As for the story itself - it's basically a watered-down version of something I've written before, but I can't seem to find. I wrote the details as well as I could remember, but even the original was pretty flawed in terms of logical progression.
Also, I can't remember how I wrote his work drama in the original, so sadly, the opportunities to make him 'slip-up' by malicious coworkers was the best I could slap in... or, at least that I know of.
Basically, I took an already flawed work of mine and made it even worse... It feels kind of pitiful.
Hopefully my next project won't be such a disappointment (to me).
You're welcome.
Most of what I found were not grammar errors.
For instance, you wrote "should" instead of "shoulder" I believe.
I can see why this entry appears the way it is, but you should've taken some time improve it rather than devolve it since you are a more grown and smarter person than you used to be in the past.
Good luck.
1
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
If I was in his place, I might've attempted to look for a job elsewhere, explain why I had been acting the way I did in the past to my family, and maybe search for the right path with my wife. Communication is a vital key to solving many issues, or so I think.This was my thought exactly when shit starting hitting the fan with his work. It's a rather simple solution that I would think most people would consider. Because of this, I feel like the narrator could have easily avoided his fate and as a result, it makes it feel undeserved.
This aside, I think you have a perfectly serviceable conflict and I'm not bashing the concept itself at all, but mainly for the reason above I don't think it's executed as well as it could have been.
Other than that, good story.
Basically, I took an already flawed work of mine and made it even worse... It feels kind of pitiful.
Well when you put it that way . . .
1
Masayoshi wrote...
I don't expect it to be taken seriously as a contest entryI think everybody here will brah, you did enter a contest after all.
I don't know everyone here likes or dislikes your story, but here's my opinions:
In terms of good things, you did not make many grammatical and punctual errors. That's great!
In terms of bad things, I'm sorry to say that I found many.
First off, I can't fully absorb this piece of story. From the start, everything was fragmented. What does the first sentence has anything to do with the rest of the story anyway? You claimed this to be story that could happen to anybody at anytime, and I know you explicitly said not to take this story seriously, but it just baffles me to read something that formatted like a short form of a citizen's bio in the government's database (and that's also a scary thought). It just listed major events that had happened to the guy up to the point of his suicide. With that said, I can't think of anyone's life that as miserable as this guy, because these "major events" don't include anything that is joyful in the slightest, his marriage, for example. I wholly understand that this was probably rushed as you have explained above, but that should not be an excuse to lame errors. The character could have been fleshed out so much more and have an actual personality, not just a depressed fella.
And because of that, with the flow of the story not helping, I can't see where this guy is coming from. Personally, I haven't been through a great ordeal that makes me want to end my own life, but I think this guy's situation is not that hard to fix. I firmly believe there's always a choice, and people can always do something about their situation in life, however grim. I can't imagine having a family that don't support their own members unconditionally. Like Rise (Cinia) said, suicide is a cowardly exit to life in my book too. When you commit suicide, maybe you find peace for yourself only (in someplace nice I'd hope), but bring unimaginable pain and responsibility to your closed ones. Unless you live in a deserted island, then no one cares.
Combined these factors, I can't commend on this story for its story and characters. I hope you find time to make something great next time.
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
If I am not mistaken, both Xenon and I agreed that your entry deserved an "Honourable Mention". Your entry appealed to me because it was of course easy to read for my standards and I always enjoy stories about the cruel realities of life. Allow me to further elaborate using the three criteria I used to judge the entries:
1. Must be easy to read:
I found it easy to read because of the relative lack of dialogue and more importantly how the entry explained the predicament of the protagonist and sort of situation he was in very early into the story (i.e. the introduction of how the protagonist had to work hard because of his family)
Introducing the setting of the story early makes it easy to understand the rest of the story because it orientates me and thus arouse interest as to how our protagonist would resolve his problems.
I found the transition of talking about how the protagonist landed from one problem to another very smooth because there is a logical connection of how his fortunes turned from bad to worse. (How the hell Dawn of Dark thought your story is fragmented is beyond me) I enjoyed the entry being expository and dialogue free. For some, it is boring, for me it makes reading easy.
2. Must be funny:
While I liked how the entry is presented, the reason why I decided that this entry ought not to be in the top three is due to the lack of humour. However, I could see the potential of this entry to be a black comedy of sorts.
I thought the entry could be better if it were more whiny and provided more explanations (long winded or otherwise) reasoning that it is actually a good idea to commit suicide. I wish I could try to parody your entry and try to make it funny. Misery is a core component in my attempts at comedy.
And of course, why can't the fourth wall breaking at the end of the entry be funnier? You can make fun of the fact that the reader of your entry is actually listening to a ghost! This leads me to the next component of my review.
3. Must be written in leonard267's style:
If it were written more in my style, I would certainly rank this entry as first place! The reason why I felt that your entry is one of the better ones has certainly something to do with the subject matter and how similar it is to the topics that I often broach in this forum!
However, I decided that entries that are humorous should be better ranked.
This leads me to ask, did you intend for this entry to be funny?
1. Must be easy to read:
I found it easy to read because of the relative lack of dialogue and more importantly how the entry explained the predicament of the protagonist and sort of situation he was in very early into the story (i.e. the introduction of how the protagonist had to work hard because of his family)
Introducing the setting of the story early makes it easy to understand the rest of the story because it orientates me and thus arouse interest as to how our protagonist would resolve his problems.
I found the transition of talking about how the protagonist landed from one problem to another very smooth because there is a logical connection of how his fortunes turned from bad to worse. (How the hell Dawn of Dark thought your story is fragmented is beyond me) I enjoyed the entry being expository and dialogue free. For some, it is boring, for me it makes reading easy.
2. Must be funny:
While I liked how the entry is presented, the reason why I decided that this entry ought not to be in the top three is due to the lack of humour. However, I could see the potential of this entry to be a black comedy of sorts.
I thought the entry could be better if it were more whiny and provided more explanations (long winded or otherwise) reasoning that it is actually a good idea to commit suicide. I wish I could try to parody your entry and try to make it funny. Misery is a core component in my attempts at comedy.
And of course, why can't the fourth wall breaking at the end of the entry be funnier? You can make fun of the fact that the reader of your entry is actually listening to a ghost! This leads me to the next component of my review.
3. Must be written in leonard267's style:
If it were written more in my style, I would certainly rank this entry as first place! The reason why I felt that your entry is one of the better ones has certainly something to do with the subject matter and how similar it is to the topics that I often broach in this forum!
However, I decided that entries that are humorous should be better ranked.
This leads me to ask, did you intend for this entry to be funny?
4
æ£ç¾©
Gone
leonard267 wrote...
If I am not mistaken, both Xenon and I agreed that your entry deserved an "Honourable Mention". Your entry appealed to me because it was of course easy to read for my standards and I always enjoy stories about the cruel realities of life. Allow me to further elaborate using the three criteria I used to judge the entries: 1. Must be easy to read:
I found it easy to read because of the relative lack of dialogue and more importantly how the entry explained the predicament of the protagonist and sort of situation he was in very early into the story (i.e. the introduction of how the protagonist had to work hard because of his family)
Introducing the setting of the story early makes it easy to understand the rest of the story because it orientates me and thus arouse interest as to how our protagonist would resolve his problems.
I found the transition of talking about how the protagonist landed from one problem to another very smooth because there is a logical connection of how his fortunes turned from bad to worse. (How the hell Dawn of Dark thought your story is fragmented is beyond me) I enjoyed the entry being expository and dialogue free. For some, it is boring, for me it makes reading easy.
2. Must be funny:
While I liked how the entry is presented, the reason why I decided that this entry ought not to be in the top three is due to the lack of humour. However, I could see the potential of this entry to be a black comedy of sorts.
I thought the entry could be better if it were more whiny and provided more explanations (long winded or otherwise) reasoning that it is actually a good idea to commit suicide. I wish I could try to parody your entry and try to make it funny. Misery is a core component in my attempts at comedy.
And of course, why can't the fourth wall breaking at the end of the entry be funnier? You can make fun of the fact that the reader of your entry is actually listening to a ghost! This leads me to the next component of my review.
3. Must be written in leonard267's style:
If it were written more in my style, I would certainly rank this entry as first place! The reason why I felt that your entry is one of the better ones has certainly something to do with the subject matter and how similar it is to the topics that I often broach in this forum!
However, I decided that entries that are humorous should be better ranked.
This leads me to ask, did you intend for this entry to be funny?
Thanks for taking the time to read something like this and give me your thoughts on it. Honestly, I wasn't really aiming for the contest or anything, this was just a way to put my name out there and show a different kind of writing that I do. It wasn't funny because... well, it's a tragedy.
Yes, you're probably right, I could have instead made it into (probably tasteless since I'm bad at it) dark humor, but this is actually just a brief re-write of a finished short story I was going to post, but I'm not sure where it is being stored (I think it's on a USB drive), so I didn't want to mess with the story at all, and pretty much just wrote what I could from memory. All I remember besides what I wrote, is... I did the original tragedy much better.
The fact that it received an honorable mention is more than enough for me, and I can't thank you enough for this. A shout-out to Yanker -- He really deserved the win, in my opinion, and I knew this guy was an amazing writer ever since he wrote his first chapter in the community project I hosted last summer. Even from that chapter, I knew I was outclassed as a writer, and working alongside him has made me realize that I'm a small fish in a big pond lol.
I also plan to create another project like the last one in summer, though I plan to manage it more closely this time so that the start-up is smoother and we don't get stuck as much as last time. We made it to chapter 16 if I remember correctly, and then we got stuck due to management issues (mainly me).
I hope you'd consider joining if you have the time around then, we welcome writers and non-writers alike (pun unintended, we actually do need people to brainstorm who are not writing chapters)
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Masayoshi wrote...
Thanks for taking the time to read something like this and give me your thoughts on it. Honestly, I wasn't really aiming for the contest or anything, this was just a way to put my name out there and show a different kind of writing that I do. It wasn't funny because... well, it's a tragedy.
Yes, you're probably right, I could have instead made it into (probably tasteless since I'm bad at it) dark humor, but this is actually just a brief re-write of a finished short story I was going to post, but I'm not sure where it is being stored (I think it's on a USB drive), so I didn't want to mess with the story at all, and pretty much just wrote what I could from memory. All I remember besides what I wrote, is... I did the original tragedy much better.
The fact that it received an honorable mention is more than enough for me, and I can't thank you enough for this. A shout-out to Yanker -- He really deserved the win, in my opinion, and I knew this guy was an amazing writer ever since he wrote his first chapter in the community project I hosted last summer. Even from that chapter, I knew I was outclassed as a writer, and working alongside him has made me realize that I'm a small fish in a big pond lol.
I also plan to create another project like the last one in summer, though I plan to manage it more closely this time so that the start-up is smoother and we don't get stuck as much as last time. We made it to chapter 16 if I remember correctly, and then we got stuck due to management issues (mainly me).
I hope you'd consider joining if you have the time around then, we welcome writers and non-writers alike (pun unintended, we actually do need people to brainstorm who are not writing chapters)
Yanker's prose is certainly a pleasure to read. It is very easy to follow what he is writing about. Could you give me more details about your project? No promises that I can help because I am so terribly busy with work but I would like to see if I can chip in.