[Winter Contest Entry 2015] The Enigmatic Lady
1
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Again, you can look up words. It's not rocket science, and everyone can use Google if they can use the internet. You're the judge and you're supposed to be trying to understand the entry as much as possible.
It's not about your approach or how you like to do things. I just want you to actually read it instead of avoiding half the words you don't like or can't understand.
I like to view the relationship of a mother and daughter as something pure. Not yuri, or sexual. I'm sorry if you were turned off by me not appreciating that compliment, but it just felt wrong to me.
well yeah, i can try it. :D / tho tbh i do get the idea of story in general and do understand it, even with just guessing the words based upon the context. actually, there's not that much to look up, just some certain words lol
pure is fine too, don't worry. :) i do believe of some sexual stuff to be 'pure' though hahaha
2
xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
Awww noooo! I wasn't expecting this type of writing, especially not from you. You caught me off guard, and probably in the best way. I didn't know you could write something quite as heavy as this.
The story is pretty dense and compact as it focuses on a single interaction and conversation. Little is explained about the setting and characters, but it makes it easier to focus on the details that are given. Like that the woman is seemingly stuck on the bed, that Lucy hated being called a 'young lady', and the personal qualities of the two characters.
There was a part I found interesting though as I'm not sure if the effect is intended or not.
I haven't heard of that before. The effect of this is that I'm left trying to figure it out. Piecing together the woman's relation to how a sun might represent itself becomes a part of the experience of reading the story. It was a journey to understand her, which I will come back to in a bit. If you were actually referencing something, I guess I'm just not well read enough.
One other part I loved, and what I consider the first, and more powerful of the two climaxes in your story is when the mother is giving her daughter advice.
That's such a good line. It's powerful and drives home a heavy, hopeful, and motivating message, which is exacerbated by the fact that it's said by both her mother and role model.
You know what I think was great about this though, to me this wasn't a story about Lucy, it was truly a story about the mother, Hailey. From the title, to the beginning, and all the way through the end, I was captivated by this woman who seemed to simply have full control over the situation and flow of the conversation. She said it herself, she wanted to be the sun. However, to me she wanted to be more than that, she simply wanted everything, but in a very pure quiet and cunning way.
By the end, she passes on her knowledge, wins over her daughter, becomes the mother she had never been for just a moment, and finally, she dies. More importantly, she dies on her terms. Even on her dying breath she's gotten everything she wanted, and became the sun for her daughter.
Good stuff Rise. You surprised me, I thought it was going to be lighter, but seeing this from you was pretty great.
The story is pretty dense and compact as it focuses on a single interaction and conversation. Little is explained about the setting and characters, but it makes it easier to focus on the details that are given. Like that the woman is seemingly stuck on the bed, that Lucy hated being called a 'young lady', and the personal qualities of the two characters.
There was a part I found interesting though as I'm not sure if the effect is intended or not.
“Have you heard of the Analogy of the Sun before?”
I haven't heard of that before. The effect of this is that I'm left trying to figure it out. Piecing together the woman's relation to how a sun might represent itself becomes a part of the experience of reading the story. It was a journey to understand her, which I will come back to in a bit. If you were actually referencing something, I guess I'm just not well read enough.
One other part I loved, and what I consider the first, and more powerful of the two climaxes in your story is when the mother is giving her daughter advice.
It’s your life—it’s your path. In this industry—they seek you from you, not me.
That's such a good line. It's powerful and drives home a heavy, hopeful, and motivating message, which is exacerbated by the fact that it's said by both her mother and role model.
You know what I think was great about this though, to me this wasn't a story about Lucy, it was truly a story about the mother, Hailey. From the title, to the beginning, and all the way through the end, I was captivated by this woman who seemed to simply have full control over the situation and flow of the conversation. She said it herself, she wanted to be the sun. However, to me she wanted to be more than that, she simply wanted everything, but in a very pure quiet and cunning way.
By the end, she passes on her knowledge, wins over her daughter, becomes the mother she had never been for just a moment, and finally, she dies. More importantly, she dies on her terms. Even on her dying breath she's gotten everything she wanted, and became the sun for her daughter.
Good stuff Rise. You surprised me, I thought it was going to be lighter, but seeing this from you was pretty great.
2
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
xninebreaker wrote...
Awww noooo! I wasn't expecting this type of writing, especially not from you. You caught me off guard, and probably in the best way. I didn't know you could write something quite as heavy as this.Wait what? You thought I could not do this? How could you, Xnine?! I thought you believed in me!
xninebreaker wrote...
The story is pretty dense and compact as it focuses on a single interaction and conversation. Little is explained about the setting and characters, but it makes it easier to focus on the details that are given.I honestly thought providing setting details would add nothing particularly important when the entire event took place inside one room. So yeah, it was counter-productive in this case; helping me to preserve words against the given limit.
xninebreaker wrote...
There was a part I found interesting though as I'm not sure if the effect is intended or not.“Have you heard of the Analogy of the Sun before?”
I haven't heard of that before. The effect of this is that I'm left trying to figure it out. Piecing together the woman's relation to how a sun might represent itself becomes a part of the experience of reading the story. It was a journey to understand her, which I will come back to in a bit. If you were actually referencing something, I guess I'm just not well read enough.
I was referencing a very archaic philosophical analogy there. If you have not heard of the Analogy of the Sun and the Cave, I would definitely recommend you to check them out.
Very interesting analogies, really. I would have added the Cave one too but I couldn't find the space to fit it in. Hailey was made to be really open-minded and she would take on any kind of philosophy, or rather, any type of interesting piece of knowledge.
xninebreaker wrote...
One other part I loved, and what I consider the first, and more powerful of the two climaxes in your story is when the mother is giving her daughter advice. It’s your life—it’s your path. In this industry—they seek you from you, not me.
That's such a good line. It's powerful and drives home a heavy, hopeful, and motivating message, which is exacerbated by the fact that it's said by both her mother and role model.
I am full glad that you managed to pick out the significance of this line here. Especially because I thought very hard about how I wanted to word it. It's kind of my personal philosophy too, and I guess I really like to make characters that sort of conveys these messages which I think are really important but often not realized by people.
There are many of us out here who get so caught-on by our role-models that we forget our own path after being so heavily influenced, and think that we have to change ourselves to be more like them in order to be successful. In the end, there are thousands of ways to do something and be successful. It's a matter of what works out for you, and Hailey wanted Lucy to understand that.
xninebreaker wrote...
You know what I think was great about this though, to me this wasn't a story about Lucy, it was truly a story about the mother, Hailey. From the title, to the beginning, and all the way through the end, I was captivated by this woman who seemed to simply have full control over the situation and flow of the conversation. She said it herself, she wanted to be the sun. However, to me she wanted to be more than that, she simply wanted everything, but in a very pure quiet and cunning way.Yes, Hailey is very greedy and almost never wastes time. I can see why she wanted to be more than that. Chances are, she really did, and we knew that, but she is also really cunning indeed. Good catch. She lead through the conversation after all.
xninebreaker wrote...
By the end, she passes on her knowledge, wins over her daughter, becomes the mother she had never been for just a moment, and finally, she dies. More importantly, she dies on her terms. Even on her dying breath she's gotten everything she wanted, and became the sun for her daughter.Good stuff Rise. You surprised me, I thought it was going to be lighter, but seeing this from you was pretty great.
Yep. She got everything, but her poor daughter would have wanted more of her. Too bad, fate is not always nice, but that is why time is so precious. I wanted people to understand with this piece how important such little things can be. Incidentally, Lucy also misses a lot of small details about her mother.
Thanks for reading, Xnine, really. I am glad you took the time to read it. Your feedback was everything I was hoping for from a reader. I was waiting for someone who would catch onto these little details I wrote out. While you may not have inquisitively pondered about the hints I poured across the entry, I am glad that you chose to provide such an in-depth analysis of it. I am grateful, and I will try to respond similarly to your piece as well.
3
I read through it a second time, and I think I actually liked it more than the first time through, although I do still think it could use some work.
I think the main problem I have with this is the beginning is a little sparse on info. This doesn't necessarily mean you should reveal more about who Haily is or the room she's in or her relationship to Lucy. You could give us something that has little to nothing to do with any of the revelations that come later in the story. I just feel that readers need a little more to cling to at the beginning.
The second thing that bogged me down the first time I was reading this is the prose could use some work. Like here:
"Subsequent" isn't needed here. The very fact that this line comes after the dialogue suggests that it's subsequent to it.
This sentence is just too wordy.
None of those are big problems on their own. Hell, for some people they may not even be problems. But they are for me, and they added up.
Like I said in my previous post, the characters really shined in this for me. The conversation does so much to flesh both of them out, and I get the feeling that by the time it ends, they've both gained something from it.
Hailey's death at the end, while sad, does feel a little forced though with it happening literally immediately after their heart-felt conversation.
I think the main problem I have with this is the beginning is a little sparse on info. This doesn't necessarily mean you should reveal more about who Haily is or the room she's in or her relationship to Lucy. You could give us something that has little to nothing to do with any of the revelations that come later in the story. I just feel that readers need a little more to cling to at the beginning.
The second thing that bogged me down the first time I was reading this is the prose could use some work. Like here:
The woman pulled herself up subsequently, and straightened her back.
"Subsequent" isn't needed here. The very fact that this line comes after the dialogue suggests that it's subsequent to it.
Navigating—I strolled over to the other side of the room—to find myself before a chair.
This sentence is just too wordy.
None of those are big problems on their own. Hell, for some people they may not even be problems. But they are for me, and they added up.
Like I said in my previous post, the characters really shined in this for me. The conversation does so much to flesh both of them out, and I get the feeling that by the time it ends, they've both gained something from it.
Hailey's death at the end, while sad, does feel a little forced though with it happening literally immediately after their heart-felt conversation.
0
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
I read through it a second time, and I think I actually liked it more than the first time through, although I do still think it could use some work.I think the main problem I have with this is the beginning is a little sparse on info. This doesn't necessarily mean you should reveal more about who Haily is or the room she's in or her relationship to Lucy. You could give us something that has little to nothing to do with any of the revelations that come later in the story. I just feel that readers need a little more to cling to at the beginning.
I don't know, maybe I could, but I was being really careful with raising my word count. It's the "hook" point all over again, and I do acknowledge this weakness. This is probably just desserts for me being trying to make this more subtle and mysterious in every way I could.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
The second thing that bogged me down the first time I was reading this is the prose could use some work. Like here:The woman pulled herself up subsequently, and straightened her back.
"Subsequent" isn't needed here. The very fact that this line comes after the dialogue suggests that it's subsequent to it.
Good point. I'm just too careful about these little timings and things so I couldn't help but go the safe route and specify it since I am a newbie tier writer or something. I'll keep it in mind for the future, though.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Navigating—I strolled over to the other side of the room—to find myself before a chair.
This sentence is just too wordy.
None of those are big problems on their own. Hell, for some people they may not even be problems. But they are for me, and they added up.
I figured that it could be too wordy for some people. I myself like writing like this sometimes so I don't see it as a problem.
So yeah, screw you! Jk jk.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Hailey's death at the end, while sad, does feel a little forced though with it happening literally immediately after their heart-felt conversation.I wanted to make it seem like Hailey was really working hard to stay in the material world just to speak at least once with Lucy. A true display of sheer willpower to -appear- as though she was more or less alright while she converses normally with Lucy.
But yeah, I can totally see why it can appear forced and perhaps I should've done more foreshadowing about her health after all. Maybe it went more subtle than I imagined. That just means I have a long way to go, haha.
Thanks for re-reading it, and good luck with the contest.
1
I don't know, maybe I could, but I was being really careful with raising my word count. It's the "hook" point all over again, and I do acknowledge this weakness. This is probably just desserts for me being trying to make this more subtle and mysterious in every way I could.
When I say I think readers need a little more to cling to, I mean that could literally be anything. It could be the fact that Hailey is/was an actress, or it could be how shiny a bedside lamp is. As I said before, it could be completely unrelated to any major revelations that occur later in the story. The reason behind this is learning curve. You throw readers into this situation in which they can tell you're intentionally holding back so much info, it makes us feel uncomfortable.
I wanted to make it seem like Hailey was really working hard to stay in the material world just to speak at least once with Lucy. A true display of sheer willpower to -appear- as though she was more or less alright while she converses normally with Lucy.
But yeah, I can totally see why it can appear forced and perhaps I should've done more foreshadowing about her health after all. Maybe it went more subtle than I imagined. That just means I have a long way to go, haha.
But yeah, I can totally see why it can appear forced and perhaps I should've done more foreshadowing about her health after all. Maybe it went more subtle than I imagined. That just means I have a long way to go, haha.
Foreshadowing is definitely something you could do, but that could be really tricky given how often writers use coughing to foreshadow someone will die.
Thanks for re-reading it, and good luck with the contest.
No problem, and you too. Good luck.
0
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
When I say I think readers need a little more to cling to, I mean that could literally be anything. It could be the fact that Hailey is/was an actress, or it could be how shiny a bedside lamp is. As I said before, it could be completely unrelated to any major revelations that occur later in the story. The reason behind this is learning curve. You throw readers into this situation in which they can tell you're intentionally holding back so much info, it makes us feel uncomfortable.It's not like I was deaf and totally missed your point. I know what you meant, but I didn't wanted to provide anything unrelated either. It felt like a waste with the word limit looming. TBH I might've added something like that but I got capped pretty early on my draft.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Foreshadowing is definitely something you could do, but that could be really tricky given how often writers use coughing to foreshadow someone will die.Yeah, very tricky. I wouldn't wanna chip away at the final impact with foreshadows too much and would need something like bringing a balance. Sounds like a pain, lol.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Good luck.Thanks.
1
It's not like I was deaf and totally missed your point. I know what you meant, but I didn't wanted to provide anything unrelated either. It felt like a waste with the word limit looming.
Sorry about that. I disagree that it'd be a waste of precious words although I can see how it might be something that would get axed in favor of something else.
2
i want to give a proper review, but since im on my phone capitalization punctuation and etc are tedious. ill edit this post and fix my formatting and any punctuation and capitalization problems later so for now please ignore them. first i really enjoyed gradually finding out more about hailey because a lot of things also revealed tidbits about lucy i didnt expect early on. at first i thought lucy was condemning her, up to the point where lucy and hailey began having their conversation, then it became apparent that there was deeper underlying meaning to lucys pain, like never meeting her mother when all this time she was right in front of her as her role model. the conflict of her being a role model to lucy despite abandoning her from a young age was well executed too. i hope you write more works like this though not specifically this, in the future. i enjoyed reading the work because of the vague storytelling. most people are spoiled and like to be spoon fed information but you cant really blame them in todays society where instant gratification and laziness are the order of the day. good job, this was an excellent piece and i also believe the flaws of the story were assets to the storytelling this time, but that could just be my opinion. give yourself more credit.
1
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Allied Shadows wrote...
i want to give a proper review, but since im on my phone capitalization punctuation and etc are tedious. ill edit this post and fix my formatting and any punctuation and capitalization problems later so for now please ignore them. first i really enjoyed gradually finding out more about hailey because a lot of things also revealed tidbits about lucy i didnt expect early on. at first i thought lucy was condemning her, up to the point where lucy and hailey began having their conversation, then it became apparent that there was deeper underlying meaning to lucys pain, like never meeting her mother when all this time she was right in front of her as her role model. the conflict of her being a role model to lucy despite abandoning her from a young age was well executed too. i hope you write more works like this though not specifically this, in the future. i enjoyed reading the work because of the vague storytelling. most people are spoiled and like to be spoon fed information but you cant really blame them in todays society where instant gratification and laziness are the order of the day. good job, this was an excellent piece and i also believe the flaws of the story were assets to the storytelling this time, but that could just be my opinion. give yourself more credit.Hello, thank you for taking the time to read my entry, Allied.
I appreciate how you note and analyze the interaction of the characters and what effects they bring about. They were more or less intended to be interpreted that way, and nothing makes me happier than to know that a dear reader has perceived the details as I would've hoped.
You're probably the first reader to directly touch upon the role-model aspect of their relationship. This was something I wanted to use as a catalyst to attract the two characters to each other. It is important to note that Hailey wasn't always speaking as just her mother, but also a senior, and I wanted this aspect to hopefully add more depth to their already-complicated relationship. Working around their interactions with all these factors atop the boat was quite the challenge.
While my objective was not to truly work on their interaction at the start. I suppose it was well worth the efforts. My objective from the start was to convey my message to the readers about my personal philosophies, and what I like to believe in, which is--all of which Hailey discusses and advises to Lucy. In the end, it turned out that a proper conversation was the best way to do it.
I happen to like writing like this. Some of my previous works were similar attempts at vague storytelling, but unfortunately they were not as great as I wanted them to be (well, still a bit proud of The Golden Companion).
While I do agree that some people loves to be spoon-fed details, I do like to think that it boils down to a matter of preference for everyone in the end and I do not particularly loathe them for adhering to their respective nature either. Personally, I like to be open-minded, so I'd rather see what an author wants to tell me, the reader. If I can tell what he is up to, perhaps I'll try to see it the way he wants me to.
Flaws as its assets? I'm not sure I understand.
Regardless, thank you once again for reading my entry and sharing your opinion about it.
2
As promised, here I am, with my comments.
Instead of a short story, I would like to think of your entry as a scene from a script. As mentioned by some of the users, the dialogue is somewhat heavy. I like the aspect whereby you portrayed the conflicting emotions within the protagonist. On the other hand, there is less insight on Ms Hailey's thoughts and emotions, perhaps because she is merely a support character?
I enjoyed the first half of the entry, but the ending was somewhat predictable. If only there is some way to include a plot twist, it might make this particular entry / short story more memorable for readers.
Nonetheless, the use of uncommon vocabulary is excellent. It is a feat which I cannot hope to achieve with my limited proficiency of the language. :)
Instead of a short story, I would like to think of your entry as a scene from a script. As mentioned by some of the users, the dialogue is somewhat heavy. I like the aspect whereby you portrayed the conflicting emotions within the protagonist. On the other hand, there is less insight on Ms Hailey's thoughts and emotions, perhaps because she is merely a support character?
I enjoyed the first half of the entry, but the ending was somewhat predictable. If only there is some way to include a plot twist, it might make this particular entry / short story more memorable for readers.
Nonetheless, the use of uncommon vocabulary is excellent. It is a feat which I cannot hope to achieve with my limited proficiency of the language. :)
1
I don't know what Xnine was talking about, I was fully expecting a long read from you Rice. And it was.
Regarding this entry, I have seen people talk highly of it, besides some flaws that they pointed out. I have slightly different opinions.
I'll go with the good things first before blurt out ranting about the bad things, coz dat how I roll.
Good things:
Good pacing. I actually think that this is one of the better paced story, based on how the characters developed themselves immensely throughout such a short span of time, but I guess that could be expected when seeing your long-lost mother dying on a bed.
Good vocabulary. Well, I don't see others comment on this issue a lot, but this was a love/hate relationship for me (just like Lucy, ha). The plus side is your choices of wording helps the story to be very concise and exact. I thought that this was a fairly commendable feat. You use the most appropriate words for that exact situation, and it definitely helps to clear spaces for other things (even though, as xnine said, in contrast, some of the lines were uselessly prolonged). The minus side is that I have to read it with a Google translate tab opened. Imagine the hell it would be if I were to read this one one my tablet.
Concise. This one is my biggest plus for you. "Brevity is the soul of wits." - William Shakespeare. This is one of my principles when writing, my lodestar. With good vocabulary, as stated above, it helps you to deliver more important things than it could have with just 2000 words. Good job.
But
Bad things (brace yourself):
Sorry if that was harsh to swallow, but I wanted to give my (really) long-ass review, just because you deserve to.
I thought you are a pretty established member of this part of the forum.
I ultimately feel there is a similarity between our entries, because each one of our characters has a awful lot of pride. I'm just trying to associate with a more popular member to get attention.
One last thing about the last part of the story, where they have a beeping device. I lost my shit when you wrote this "The beeping noise from the device became continuous." I, actually, truthfully, in all of my honesty, thought that this was a cruel take on the "Comedy" theme and it was a goddamn bomb. Oh my God. I was so relieved to scroll down and saw it was a hospital room. FML for watching too many things blowing up and after writing my entry.
But then again, how does this entry fit the theme? The lady was 30, which is not actually elderly in any way, and there was no comedy. Unless you associate dying folks with the elders. Ouch.
EDIT: Oh wait, I just looked at Xenon's post and it says "a plot involving older people or family members such as parents, grand-parents, uncles, or aunts, or perhaps all of the above!" Sorry :P
Regarding this entry, I have seen people talk highly of it, besides some flaws that they pointed out. I have slightly different opinions.
I'll go with the good things first before blurt out ranting about the bad things, coz dat how I roll.
Good things:
Good pacing. I actually think that this is one of the better paced story, based on how the characters developed themselves immensely throughout such a short span of time, but I guess that could be expected when seeing your long-lost mother dying on a bed.
Good vocabulary. Well, I don't see others comment on this issue a lot, but this was a love/hate relationship for me (just like Lucy, ha). The plus side is your choices of wording helps the story to be very concise and exact. I thought that this was a fairly commendable feat. You use the most appropriate words for that exact situation, and it definitely helps to clear spaces for other things (even though, as xnine said, in contrast, some of the lines were uselessly prolonged). The minus side is that I have to read it with a Google translate tab opened. Imagine the hell it would be if I were to read this one one my tablet.
Concise. This one is my biggest plus for you. "Brevity is the soul of wits." - William Shakespeare. This is one of my principles when writing, my lodestar. With good vocabulary, as stated above, it helps you to deliver more important things than it could have with just 2000 words. Good job.
But
Bad things (brace yourself):
Spoiler:
Sorry if that was harsh to swallow, but I wanted to give my (really) long-ass review, just because you deserve to.
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
I am a newbie tier writer or somethingI thought you are a pretty established member of this part of the forum.
I ultimately feel there is a similarity between our entries, because each one of our characters has a awful lot of pride. I'm just trying to associate with a more popular member to get attention.
One last thing about the last part of the story, where they have a beeping device. I lost my shit when you wrote this "The beeping noise from the device became continuous." I, actually, truthfully, in all of my honesty, thought that this was a cruel take on the "Comedy" theme and it was a goddamn bomb. Oh my God. I was so relieved to scroll down and saw it was a hospital room. FML for watching too many things blowing up and after writing my entry.
But then again, how does this entry fit the theme? The lady was 30, which is not actually elderly in any way, and there was no comedy. Unless you associate dying folks with the elders. Ouch.
EDIT: Oh wait, I just looked at Xenon's post and it says "a plot involving older people or family members such as parents, grand-parents, uncles, or aunts, or perhaps all of the above!" Sorry :P
1
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
@Dawn Um, I don't know, you're essentially talking about problems I can't solve with all the limitations here. It's a challenge but that's why I sought other weapons, maybe it didn't work out for everyone. Or some of these problems that aren't really problems at all?
Control freak? Maybe a little? But I think you read it in the most unintended way possible. Anyway, it's too long for me to give a proper reply to (without me just bursting and saying yo that is wrong), so I think I shall refrain.
If you can't relate to the characters, then perhaps your perspective is simply too different. I apologize that you had to read all of this and your imagination supplemented points I hoped it wouldn't, but I will still thank you for sharing your opinions and reading my entry.
Instead of a short story, I would like to think of your entry as a scene from a script. As mentioned by some of the users, the dialogue is somewhat heavy. I like the aspect whereby you portrayed the conflicting emotions within the protagonist. On the other hand, there is less insight on Ms Hailey's thoughts and emotions, perhaps because she is merely a support character?
I enjoyed the first half of the entry, but the ending was somewhat predictable. If only there is some way to include a plot twist, it might make this particular entry / short story more memorable for readers.
Nonetheless, the use of uncommon vocabulary is excellent. It is a feat which I cannot hope to achieve with my limited proficiency of the language. :)
Hello, Gambler.
No, I think Hailey is very important, as this was actually more about her if you note the title. However, since she wasn't narrating, it'd become a bit of a challenge to figure out from her dialogues how she feels.
As expected of you to see through my little twist towards the end. Haha. It could be better, but maybe not more based on my current capabilities. Memorable, huh? That's a good point. Maybe I should've done something about that.
Thanks for taking the time to read it.
Control freak? Maybe a little? But I think you read it in the most unintended way possible. Anyway, it's too long for me to give a proper reply to (without me just bursting and saying yo that is wrong), so I think I shall refrain.
If you can't relate to the characters, then perhaps your perspective is simply too different. I apologize that you had to read all of this and your imagination supplemented points I hoped it wouldn't, but I will still thank you for sharing your opinions and reading my entry.
Gambler wrote...
As promised, here I am, with my comments.Instead of a short story, I would like to think of your entry as a scene from a script. As mentioned by some of the users, the dialogue is somewhat heavy. I like the aspect whereby you portrayed the conflicting emotions within the protagonist. On the other hand, there is less insight on Ms Hailey's thoughts and emotions, perhaps because she is merely a support character?
I enjoyed the first half of the entry, but the ending was somewhat predictable. If only there is some way to include a plot twist, it might make this particular entry / short story more memorable for readers.
Nonetheless, the use of uncommon vocabulary is excellent. It is a feat which I cannot hope to achieve with my limited proficiency of the language. :)
Hello, Gambler.
No, I think Hailey is very important, as this was actually more about her if you note the title. However, since she wasn't narrating, it'd become a bit of a challenge to figure out from her dialogues how she feels.
As expected of you to see through my little twist towards the end. Haha. It could be better, but maybe not more based on my current capabilities. Memorable, huh? That's a good point. Maybe I should've done something about that.
Thanks for taking the time to read it.
2
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
@Dawn Um, I don't know, you're essentially talking about problems I can't solve with all the limitations here. It's a challenge but that's why I sought other weapons, maybe it didn't work out for everyone. Or some of these problems that aren't really problems at all? Control freak? Maybe a little? But I think you read it in the most unintended way possible. Anyway, it's too long for me to give a proper reply to (without me just bursting and saying yo that is wrong), so I think I shall refrain.
If you can't relate to the characters, then perhaps your perspective is simply too different. I apologize that you had to read all of this and your imagination supplemented points I hoped it wouldn't, but I will still thank you for sharing your opinions and reading my entry.
What? After all my hard-working huors of writing you a thoughtful review, this half-ass answer is all that I get!?
Joke. I should probable lay off (a bit) on bashing other people's works, lel.
It wasn't that I did not enjoy reading your work, it's just those things was what I think I had some fundamental problems with. I could enjoy the other things for what they were, which was a lot else.
I thought Hailey was all up in Lucy's face. I would totally lose my shit if someone talks to me like this irl, even if they are much older than me and they are my superior. It's not that Lucy being 'docile' was bad, it's not that Hailey being a 'control freak' was bad. It was that they lacked the basis of their characteristics that you chose to omit that made it hard for me to view the story from their viewpoints. Maybe Hailey wasn't such a control freak at all, and others (like xnine) clearly liked her for who she was, but because you didn't give the readers their basis, it was possible for me to (probably mistakenly) interpret the character like that.
And high wasn't kidding about the sexual air about this story. I myself thought it was a sexy story based on some few initial lines, even up to the point where the story told me the narrator was a girl (and from then it could still be a sexy story).
I'm sorry if I tried to discuss these things with you. Even if you think it's a drag and maybe you don't care to elaborate, I know I want to know more about your point of view about those things that I pointed out.
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Read the story. Will post my thoughts about it after the results are released.
1
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
It’s kind of an amazing sight, the quality of your entries have drastically improved over the years. Your sentence structure, in particular, is quite impressive. Additionally, your use of vocabulary is improving to such a degree that it really is astonishing. There was a great sense of dramatic closure to this tragic tale, a lesson conveyed through death and a message bequeathed towards the reader with wisdom, the assurance of the importance of family, closeness, independence, and assertiveness in the ability to follow ones dreams and path. It does this well and properly conveys the message through emotion, in sadness, anger, frustration, melancholy, and depression. This entry is a gem, and one within your portfolio that will age well. Congratulations.
Here is some much needed criticism, however, that you can use to improve: This story suffers from the occasional comma splice (although you use em dashes) so it’s worth watching out for them. A comma splice is using a comma to separate two complete clauses when a period would suffice. If you still want to connect the two complete sentences because they are related to one another, then you don’t use a comma or an em dash, but a semicolon. In addition to that, on the topic of punctuation, the spaces after ellipses before punctuation you included are unnecessary, the ones in particular before final punctuation marks, and sometimes after beginning quotation marks. Also, watch out with ellipses. I find that they’re acceptable within dialogue to signify long pauses, but they are looked down on in proper writing. My rule of thumb is to question if what you’re doing with them adds anything to the sentence at all. Does it help me further understand the meaning of the sentence or the emotion provided by the pause? In some places, the answer is no and you should not use them because of this. Lastly, you use the past tense of “want,” (that being “wanted”) but unfortunately because of the structure of the sentence already addressing the past tense with “did,” and the exceptions that English uses (very confusingly), the correct form in the instances that you used them is simply “want.”
Below are the major things I found issues with:
"I smiled feeling triumphant. She got her just desserts."
Golden-blonde, color mixes are often hyphenated, or separated by a comma if used with excessive adjectives. Speaking of excessive adjectives separated by a comma, one should be after "fine."
…A poor performance of self-control; I could instantly rate myself the worst score for a lack of effort had I carried a mirror to peek at.
These ellipses are purposeless. They don't add much of anything in narration.
“ …I suppose it did.”
Growing, huh… ?
“ …Really? Really? That’s it?”
“But the whole reason you just explained… ”
“I just wanted to regale, really. Regarding the †˜sun,’ for instance, the experiences of viewing my performances… ”
“ …What is there to say? That I’ve always looked up to you? That I’ve aspired to be an actress like you? That I’ve lost my way?!”
“ …Which one is it?”
“ …Will you spend more time with me if I do as you say?”
Why are you spacing out the quotation and the ellipsis? There should be no space, not unless you were creating a space after each dot, which would be acceptable. To make matters worse, you sometimes place the question and exclamation marks after the space. With the way you're doing the ellipses, there just shouldn't be any spaces.
“Didn’t you wanted to be the †˜sun’ though? Wouldn’t you want people to aspire to be like you?”
In both cases, "want" is the proper form.
Most people with a career like her’s would use “professionalism” as a shield for safety.
"Hers" is the appropriate possessive. "Her's" is never correct.
Very is unnecessary.
Advise is British English. Advice is American English.
Not an error, but this buzz word. The youth aren’t the only capricious ones, are they?
Did she just... give her consent?
What'd you want me to do?
Since they're both complete sentences, a semicolon should be used to separate "It's your life; it's your path." Also, "they seek you from you" sounds a bit awkward, I might suggest "they seek you for you". It's not too terribly bad though.
"Someone...breathing." This is a sentence fragment, just put a comma before it instead of a period.
Here is some much needed criticism, however, that you can use to improve: This story suffers from the occasional comma splice (although you use em dashes) so it’s worth watching out for them. A comma splice is using a comma to separate two complete clauses when a period would suffice. If you still want to connect the two complete sentences because they are related to one another, then you don’t use a comma or an em dash, but a semicolon. In addition to that, on the topic of punctuation, the spaces after ellipses before punctuation you included are unnecessary, the ones in particular before final punctuation marks, and sometimes after beginning quotation marks. Also, watch out with ellipses. I find that they’re acceptable within dialogue to signify long pauses, but they are looked down on in proper writing. My rule of thumb is to question if what you’re doing with them adds anything to the sentence at all. Does it help me further understand the meaning of the sentence or the emotion provided by the pause? In some places, the answer is no and you should not use them because of this. Lastly, you use the past tense of “want,” (that being “wanted”) but unfortunately because of the structure of the sentence already addressing the past tense with “did,” and the exceptions that English uses (very confusingly), the correct form in the instances that you used them is simply “want.”
Below are the major things I found issues with:
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
I smiled—feeling triumphant— she got her just desserts."I smiled feeling triumphant. She got her just desserts."
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
What my vision found prominent was her pristine, fine statue-like figure—her beautiful, pellucid wonder of a face—and her wavy golden blonde hair that could reach down to her hips, regally crowning her top.Golden-blonde, color mixes are often hyphenated, or separated by a comma if used with excessive adjectives. Speaking of excessive adjectives separated by a comma, one should be after "fine."
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
I looked down to her generously endowed bosom—and her perfect proportions—with disdain. Would I grow up to be just as blessed… ? …A poor performance of self-control; I could instantly rate myself the worst score for a lack of effort had I carried a mirror to peek at.
These ellipses are purposeless. They don't add much of anything in narration.
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
“Huh… ?!”“ …I suppose it did.”
Growing, huh… ?
“ …Really? Really? That’s it?”
“But the whole reason you just explained… ”
“I just wanted to regale, really. Regarding the †˜sun,’ for instance, the experiences of viewing my performances… ”
“ …What is there to say? That I’ve always looked up to you? That I’ve aspired to be an actress like you? That I’ve lost my way?!”
“ …Which one is it?”
“ …Will you spend more time with me if I do as you say?”
Why are you spacing out the quotation and the ellipsis? There should be no space, not unless you were creating a space after each dot, which would be acceptable. To make matters worse, you sometimes place the question and exclamation marks after the space. With the way you're doing the ellipses, there just shouldn't be any spaces.
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
“So, what did you wanted to talk about?”“Didn’t you wanted to be the †˜sun’ though? Wouldn’t you want people to aspire to be like you?”
In both cases, "want" is the proper form.
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
This famous quality of her’s had won the hearts of many.Most people with a career like her’s would use “professionalism” as a shield for safety.
"Hers" is the appropriate possessive. "Her's" is never correct.
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Perchance she founded an excuse to relish her very professionalism?Very is unnecessary.
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
I took a deep breath, which—incidentally—was an advise I read in one of Mrs. Hailey’s interviews.Advise is British English. Advice is American English.
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
I’d vehemently point out her capriciousness , but not now.Not an error, but this buzz word. The youth aren’t the only capricious ones, are they?
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Her lips stretched wide to smile, before wiping my tears and planting a kiss on my forehead. Did she just… gave her consent?Did she just... give her consent?
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
“What’d want me to do?”What'd you want me to do?
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
“Spread your wings, my dear Lucy. It’s your life—it’s your path. In this industry—they seek you from you, not me. You’ll find your answer eventually.”Since they're both complete sentences, a semicolon should be used to separate "It's your life; it's your path." Also, "they seek you from you" sounds a bit awkward, I might suggest "they seek you for you". It's not too terribly bad though.
Cinia Pacifica wrote...
Forever shall I refer to her as a stout woman unbound by logic and rationality. Someone who performed as if merely breathing."Someone...breathing." This is a sentence fragment, just put a comma before it instead of a period.
2
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I promised to give a review of this entry and I am in agreement with Yanker and Masayoshi. I think I can sympathise with high_time felt as he ploughed through that entry. Let me review this entry according to the criteria I set for this event.
1. Must be readable:
Like Yanker, I felt confusion reading the 3 quarters of the entry and had no time to sympathise with the characters once I reached the final quarter. I believe the reason why it is difficult for Masayoshi to invest in the story is because very little was established as to who the main characters are. Enclosed in the spoiler was how I felt while reading your entry:
If I wanted to write a touching story between two women it would certainly make sense to establish who they are and what they do right at the beginning instead at the end. I would then be in a better position to appreciate the long exchanges between the two and the setting they were in. I suppose the big reveal towards the end where it was revealed that Mrs Hailey was Lucy's mother was to make sense of what was covered before it but I thought it ought to be made clear at the very beginning. Having twists like "Mrs Hailey" being on her deathbed, implying that she abandoned Lucy and "Mrs Hailey" being Lucy's mother when the entry is supposed to be about their relationship is out of place. I would expect that in a more comedic story.
2. Must be comedic, bonus points if it is written in my style:
While not as important as criteria 1, I would rate entries that are comedic and written in my style higher than those that aren't. When high_time and I are the contest judges and if we come up with bizarre themes, there is the expectation for the entries submitted to have some comedic value.
Of course I didn't laugh at the entry. Going through it again, I find out there are plenty of things to be made light of. Making light laughing at of misery is something that I enjoy reading. If it were better presented and contained dry paragraphs of how horrible the entertainment industry is and how actresses are treated when they turn old and decrepit I might have ranked it better.
1. Must be readable:
Like Yanker, I felt confusion reading the 3 quarters of the entry and had no time to sympathise with the characters once I reached the final quarter. I believe the reason why it is difficult for Masayoshi to invest in the story is because very little was established as to who the main characters are. Enclosed in the spoiler was how I felt while reading your entry:
Spoiler:
If I wanted to write a touching story between two women it would certainly make sense to establish who they are and what they do right at the beginning instead at the end. I would then be in a better position to appreciate the long exchanges between the two and the setting they were in. I suppose the big reveal towards the end where it was revealed that Mrs Hailey was Lucy's mother was to make sense of what was covered before it but I thought it ought to be made clear at the very beginning. Having twists like "Mrs Hailey" being on her deathbed, implying that she abandoned Lucy and "Mrs Hailey" being Lucy's mother when the entry is supposed to be about their relationship is out of place. I would expect that in a more comedic story.
2. Must be comedic, bonus points if it is written in my style:
While not as important as criteria 1, I would rate entries that are comedic and written in my style higher than those that aren't. When high_time and I are the contest judges and if we come up with bizarre themes, there is the expectation for the entries submitted to have some comedic value.
Of course I didn't laugh at the entry. Going through it again, I find out there are plenty of things to be made light of. Making light laughing at of misery is something that I enjoy reading. If it were better presented and contained dry paragraphs of how horrible the entertainment industry is and how actresses are treated when they turn old and decrepit I might have ranked it better.