[Winter Contest Entry 2018] City Lights
2
Artist Statement
I wanted to write as closely to the presented themes of past, fate, and the holidays in this short piece that I wrote. When I think of the holidays I think of all the people that you love gathered around in one place. Some people associate many things with Winter and snow, but for me specifically I find that the sight of snow can be both isolating and a chance to reflect on your past. So when I wrote this piece I wanted to touch specifically on an emotion that I believe many people have in common which is their first high school love and the pains of outgrowing that love in order to carry on with your life. I hope you all enjoy and happy holidays!
“Oh for god’s sake, they got rid of Cow Corner too?!” I scratched my head out of frustration as I walked by a freshly minted Starbucks that had replaced the only mom and pop burger restaurant in town. The modern forest green that accentuated the white letters of Starbucks sickened me, mostly because I saw them just about everywhere back at home. Well, that is to say my new home. It’s been over 5 years since I’ve been back to this home, my hometown. In my head I had expected things to have stayed the same, a perpetual frozen portrait of what I grew up with. But now look at it, it’s been tainted by…corporate. It wasn’t that I intended to walk closer, in fact just remembering the acrid taste of burnt coffee made me wrinkle my nose in conscious displeasure; but I found myself looking through the front window of the coffee place with passive interest.
“The counter was over there, and the soda fountain right next to it…” I mumbled to myself as my eyes wove back and forth across the interior of the café. “And that corner was where I used to…oh, right.” That’s what I had forgotten, whether purposely or not. That was where she and I used to sit after school. She didn’t want to go back home, going back home meant family time, but we were already family to each other, that’s how much we were in love. Going home for me meant…well, it meant not being with her, and there was nothing I’d rather be doing than spending just another minute staring at her, shyly pulling on her finger until we held hands, sneaking a kiss when there was no one watching us in public. If there was a definition of your first love, this would be it. First love, first, well…first a lot of things.
I hadn’t realized that daylight had already abandoned me, and before I knew it the artificial white lights of the parking lot had flickered on, blinking awake slowly and bathing me in the light of the city that I had thought I left behind for the weekend. “Guess there isn’t much of a hometown left,” I said before continuing on. I didn’t think I’d be regretting this walk down town; in fact thought it would be fun to look at all the Christmas lights still left hanging, maybe run in to a few old faces from high school. But as I strode through the newly remodeled shopping district I could only think of how I was retracing every step that we had walked together, except now 5 years later, cold and on my own.
The literal stroll through memory lane gripped at me, and I could feel a dull pain ache at my very core. I was so lost in my own mind that I didn’t even really notice when it had begun to snow until the cold began to bite at my cheeks. It was reflex that I bundled myself tighter while continuing to walk, the further along I trudged the more lost I became. The neon lights of new buildings didn’t faze me, I was too busy seeing ghosts – where we used to sit waiting for the bus, where I used to pick up your corsage the afternoon before every formal. It was only a matter of time before I paused again, finding myself at a dirty old telephone booth that had been forgotten in a time where people carried their phones in their pocket.
The blue and white paint of the payphone was worn and chipped with age, battered and beaten by the perpetual rain that was ceaseless throughout the year. A low buzz of electricity still beat through its ancient wiring – it sounded just like it did the night I last saw you. I bit my lip to try and distract me from the hollow pang that swelled at my center. Who would have thought that 5 whole years wasn’t enough to forget you. Who would have thought that college, out of all the forces in the world, was the strongest thing that could break us apart? Sure, the whole long distance thing seemed easily, but words are easy. Not seeing someone suddenly after seeing them every day of your teenage life, now that’s the hard part. Not being able to smell them, to feel their hair run through your fingers, to taste their sweetness on your lips with every kiss. Yeah, that was the hard part. And you told me we’d be forever. But I guess forever has an expiration date when you’re a teenager.
I wandered away from the lights of the town square, running even, from the glare of those angry neon signs that reminded me of home, my new home. That’s right, when you left what other choice did I have but to leave as well? Would it have been the more romantic gesture if I just waited here, waited for 5 years for you to come back only for a few days just to watch you walk away again? The wind picked up around me, the snowstorm coming down in a harder flurry while I walked aimlessly away. It didn’t matter where, I just wanted to get away from the lights, those harsh, blinding lights that reminded me of the city, of my new life, a life where I also turned my back on you.
I did, didn’t I? The realization came to me slowly as I found myself stopping at tiny bridge at our town’s park. I walked away too. Because if you could do it so easily, what other choice did I have. At least I convinced myself that there wasn’t any other choice. That if I left too I could pretend that all those years we were together was just a fling, something I left behind me when I went to my bright and beautiful life working in the city. I was city made now, cold and concrete just like those towering skyscrapers that loomed over those busy city streets, untouchable to anything wandering beneath them. Untouchable and invincible from anything and everything.
The flurry of snow settled back down as I came to a still, resting myself on the railing of the modest bridge that overlooked the rest of the park. It was easy to say I love you, because I was in love. But it was easy to hate you too, because I was still in love. I knew where I was, of course my feet would take me there. This was our spot, the one spot I could never forget. Even if I buried it deep in the back of my head I would always remember where I had buried it. I wanted to say it first because I was sure I felt it before you did. But you managed to beat me to it right here on this bridge. It was probably the best Christmas gift I had ever gotten, had ever gotten. It’s what made every Christmas after worth it until we went our own ways.
I didn’t know how long I was alone for, standing there in a blanket of snow that swept silently over the park. Some people say that snow is purifying, blanketing the world in a pristine white. But the only thing I feel right now is isolated, alone in a world of perpetually falling snow while staring at distant city lights. I could have stayed there and let the cold seep deeper in to me, let that mixture of heartache settle in and root itself within me again. But if there’s one thing I’ve managed to master within these 5 years it was this – walk away before it hurts again.
My hands found the railing of the bridge, pushing me away as I pivoted to walk in the direction of home before suddenly pausing.
“Hi,” was all she said, barely visible as she stood opposite me on the bridge. I was motionless, frozen in this moment, this dreamlike moment that I’ve fantasized about on those sleepless nights in the city. Those nights where I didn’t want bathe in the arbitrary chaos of my own mind so I stayed awake and chose to think of you, replaying over and over in my head what I could have said to make you stay, or would I could say if I ever just got another chance to see you again.
We stood there opposite each other for a long pause in time, afraid of what the other would do or say, afraid of what would happen next. I was angry for 5 whole years because I was afraid of where life would take me without you. But seeing you here bathed in snowfall I was at a loss of words despite the countless of times I envisioned seeing you again.
“Hi,” I said finally breaking the silence. “Welcome home.”
I wanted to write as closely to the presented themes of past, fate, and the holidays in this short piece that I wrote. When I think of the holidays I think of all the people that you love gathered around in one place. Some people associate many things with Winter and snow, but for me specifically I find that the sight of snow can be both isolating and a chance to reflect on your past. So when I wrote this piece I wanted to touch specifically on an emotion that I believe many people have in common which is their first high school love and the pains of outgrowing that love in order to carry on with your life. I hope you all enjoy and happy holidays!
City Lights
“Oh for god’s sake, they got rid of Cow Corner too?!” I scratched my head out of frustration as I walked by a freshly minted Starbucks that had replaced the only mom and pop burger restaurant in town. The modern forest green that accentuated the white letters of Starbucks sickened me, mostly because I saw them just about everywhere back at home. Well, that is to say my new home. It’s been over 5 years since I’ve been back to this home, my hometown. In my head I had expected things to have stayed the same, a perpetual frozen portrait of what I grew up with. But now look at it, it’s been tainted by…corporate. It wasn’t that I intended to walk closer, in fact just remembering the acrid taste of burnt coffee made me wrinkle my nose in conscious displeasure; but I found myself looking through the front window of the coffee place with passive interest.
“The counter was over there, and the soda fountain right next to it…” I mumbled to myself as my eyes wove back and forth across the interior of the café. “And that corner was where I used to…oh, right.” That’s what I had forgotten, whether purposely or not. That was where she and I used to sit after school. She didn’t want to go back home, going back home meant family time, but we were already family to each other, that’s how much we were in love. Going home for me meant…well, it meant not being with her, and there was nothing I’d rather be doing than spending just another minute staring at her, shyly pulling on her finger until we held hands, sneaking a kiss when there was no one watching us in public. If there was a definition of your first love, this would be it. First love, first, well…first a lot of things.
I hadn’t realized that daylight had already abandoned me, and before I knew it the artificial white lights of the parking lot had flickered on, blinking awake slowly and bathing me in the light of the city that I had thought I left behind for the weekend. “Guess there isn’t much of a hometown left,” I said before continuing on. I didn’t think I’d be regretting this walk down town; in fact thought it would be fun to look at all the Christmas lights still left hanging, maybe run in to a few old faces from high school. But as I strode through the newly remodeled shopping district I could only think of how I was retracing every step that we had walked together, except now 5 years later, cold and on my own.
The literal stroll through memory lane gripped at me, and I could feel a dull pain ache at my very core. I was so lost in my own mind that I didn’t even really notice when it had begun to snow until the cold began to bite at my cheeks. It was reflex that I bundled myself tighter while continuing to walk, the further along I trudged the more lost I became. The neon lights of new buildings didn’t faze me, I was too busy seeing ghosts – where we used to sit waiting for the bus, where I used to pick up your corsage the afternoon before every formal. It was only a matter of time before I paused again, finding myself at a dirty old telephone booth that had been forgotten in a time where people carried their phones in their pocket.
The blue and white paint of the payphone was worn and chipped with age, battered and beaten by the perpetual rain that was ceaseless throughout the year. A low buzz of electricity still beat through its ancient wiring – it sounded just like it did the night I last saw you. I bit my lip to try and distract me from the hollow pang that swelled at my center. Who would have thought that 5 whole years wasn’t enough to forget you. Who would have thought that college, out of all the forces in the world, was the strongest thing that could break us apart? Sure, the whole long distance thing seemed easily, but words are easy. Not seeing someone suddenly after seeing them every day of your teenage life, now that’s the hard part. Not being able to smell them, to feel their hair run through your fingers, to taste their sweetness on your lips with every kiss. Yeah, that was the hard part. And you told me we’d be forever. But I guess forever has an expiration date when you’re a teenager.
I wandered away from the lights of the town square, running even, from the glare of those angry neon signs that reminded me of home, my new home. That’s right, when you left what other choice did I have but to leave as well? Would it have been the more romantic gesture if I just waited here, waited for 5 years for you to come back only for a few days just to watch you walk away again? The wind picked up around me, the snowstorm coming down in a harder flurry while I walked aimlessly away. It didn’t matter where, I just wanted to get away from the lights, those harsh, blinding lights that reminded me of the city, of my new life, a life where I also turned my back on you.
I did, didn’t I? The realization came to me slowly as I found myself stopping at tiny bridge at our town’s park. I walked away too. Because if you could do it so easily, what other choice did I have. At least I convinced myself that there wasn’t any other choice. That if I left too I could pretend that all those years we were together was just a fling, something I left behind me when I went to my bright and beautiful life working in the city. I was city made now, cold and concrete just like those towering skyscrapers that loomed over those busy city streets, untouchable to anything wandering beneath them. Untouchable and invincible from anything and everything.
The flurry of snow settled back down as I came to a still, resting myself on the railing of the modest bridge that overlooked the rest of the park. It was easy to say I love you, because I was in love. But it was easy to hate you too, because I was still in love. I knew where I was, of course my feet would take me there. This was our spot, the one spot I could never forget. Even if I buried it deep in the back of my head I would always remember where I had buried it. I wanted to say it first because I was sure I felt it before you did. But you managed to beat me to it right here on this bridge. It was probably the best Christmas gift I had ever gotten, had ever gotten. It’s what made every Christmas after worth it until we went our own ways.
I didn’t know how long I was alone for, standing there in a blanket of snow that swept silently over the park. Some people say that snow is purifying, blanketing the world in a pristine white. But the only thing I feel right now is isolated, alone in a world of perpetually falling snow while staring at distant city lights. I could have stayed there and let the cold seep deeper in to me, let that mixture of heartache settle in and root itself within me again. But if there’s one thing I’ve managed to master within these 5 years it was this – walk away before it hurts again.
My hands found the railing of the bridge, pushing me away as I pivoted to walk in the direction of home before suddenly pausing.
“Hi,” was all she said, barely visible as she stood opposite me on the bridge. I was motionless, frozen in this moment, this dreamlike moment that I’ve fantasized about on those sleepless nights in the city. Those nights where I didn’t want bathe in the arbitrary chaos of my own mind so I stayed awake and chose to think of you, replaying over and over in my head what I could have said to make you stay, or would I could say if I ever just got another chance to see you again.
We stood there opposite each other for a long pause in time, afraid of what the other would do or say, afraid of what would happen next. I was angry for 5 whole years because I was afraid of where life would take me without you. But seeing you here bathed in snowfall I was at a loss of words despite the countless of times I envisioned seeing you again.
“Hi,” I said finally breaking the silence. “Welcome home.”
1
I think this comes a little close to being overly sentimental. The vast majority of the story is the narrator lamenting change and missing his girlfriend. I can only lament with him for so long before I get tired of doing it. What saves the story for me is the fact that it's so short. It didn't help that the beginning seems somewhat comical to me, so I was expecting a little more of that, but I never got it. Other than that, it needs some more polish, but I think it's a nice, short little story.
1
Hm... Hm... I'm not sure where I stand on this. Personal experience, which I know is anecdotal, makes me have gripes with the mentality of the protagonist.
Firstly, I'm not too keen on having to break relationships due to trivial things like distance. If you truly love someone, I think it can withstand anything. I have been with my high school sweetheart for a decade now and we're finally getting married this year. For a long period after she graduated college, she worked for an international relations company and was gone very often to places halfway around the world for handfuls of months at a time. Despite all that, we're still together. Once again, this is anecdotal, but sometimes, just because it's the first relationship doesn't always guarantee the first failure.
Secondly, the protagonist must have been really attached to their lover. I say this because I am still friends with many of my high school classmates. In fact, my entire D&D group comprises of them. They all first had relationships in high school and many of them were over it in a few weeks or a month at the most. From how you wrote it, it seems that there was something genuine between the protagonist and their lover. I'd like to believe that their love never ceased and was simply obstructed with how you ended this little piece.
I know both of the above are very personal and more opinion, but I thought I'd point it out.
Finally, one last point out:
I noticed it first with this sentence, but it actually appeared a lot in the story. You referred to the protagonist's lover as "you" a lot. It made me feel like I was the lover, haha. There were times were you used "we" (such as the above quote) and "she" as well. I don't know if it was just me, but I felt it caused some odd inconsistencies in perspective. I think you would do well if the protagonist saw their lover in one specific perspective. For me personally, I would have preferred "she" (or even "they" if you wanted a gender neutral story).
I apologize if everything I said might seem overwhelmingly negative. Know that I did enjoy this submission, I just believe it could have been much better.
Firstly, I'm not too keen on having to break relationships due to trivial things like distance. If you truly love someone, I think it can withstand anything. I have been with my high school sweetheart for a decade now and we're finally getting married this year. For a long period after she graduated college, she worked for an international relations company and was gone very often to places halfway around the world for handfuls of months at a time. Despite all that, we're still together. Once again, this is anecdotal, but sometimes, just because it's the first relationship doesn't always guarantee the first failure.
Secondly, the protagonist must have been really attached to their lover. I say this because I am still friends with many of my high school classmates. In fact, my entire D&D group comprises of them. They all first had relationships in high school and many of them were over it in a few weeks or a month at the most. From how you wrote it, it seems that there was something genuine between the protagonist and their lover. I'd like to believe that their love never ceased and was simply obstructed with how you ended this little piece.
I know both of the above are very personal and more opinion, but I thought I'd point it out.
Finally, one last point out:
The neon lights of new buildings didn’t faze me, I was too busy seeing ghosts – where we used to sit waiting for the bus, where I used to pick up your corsage the afternoon before every formal.
I noticed it first with this sentence, but it actually appeared a lot in the story. You referred to the protagonist's lover as "you" a lot. It made me feel like I was the lover, haha. There were times were you used "we" (such as the above quote) and "she" as well. I don't know if it was just me, but I felt it caused some odd inconsistencies in perspective. I think you would do well if the protagonist saw their lover in one specific perspective. For me personally, I would have preferred "she" (or even "they" if you wanted a gender neutral story).
I apologize if everything I said might seem overwhelmingly negative. Know that I did enjoy this submission, I just believe it could have been much better.
1
I appreciate the feedback!
The variation in you and we was actually used on purpose, as I chose to write this from a first person perspective to attempt more intimacy. I did consider writing this in the third person limited where I feel that the use of they could have been a touch more appropriate if I wanted to keep the genders ambiguous, however I opted for the former because I felt like having a narrator speak in place of the protagonist would feel less intimate.
Secondly, congratulations on your soon to be marriage! I'm sorry that you didn't connect as strongly with the piece, but in a way that actually may be a good thing - I meant for the piece to be melancholy and for you to feel that resistance. The holidays are, as many perceive it to be, about coming together, but that isn't to say that everyone gets that opportunity.
Lastly, I may have missed the emotional mark on this. I wanted to portray someone that had been stunted emotionally - perpetually stuck in a high school mentality. I won't confirm or deny if this is borrowing from my previous experiences, but I've definitely can say that I've at least witnessed a handful of people that have just never left high school, so to speak. If you noticed the adolescent tone of voice in the main character, then that's good! However if it wasn't as prominent I'll definitely look to make that stronger in the revision of this story.
Thank you for taking the time to read this piece and commenting!
The variation in you and we was actually used on purpose, as I chose to write this from a first person perspective to attempt more intimacy. I did consider writing this in the third person limited where I feel that the use of they could have been a touch more appropriate if I wanted to keep the genders ambiguous, however I opted for the former because I felt like having a narrator speak in place of the protagonist would feel less intimate.
Secondly, congratulations on your soon to be marriage! I'm sorry that you didn't connect as strongly with the piece, but in a way that actually may be a good thing - I meant for the piece to be melancholy and for you to feel that resistance. The holidays are, as many perceive it to be, about coming together, but that isn't to say that everyone gets that opportunity.
Lastly, I may have missed the emotional mark on this. I wanted to portray someone that had been stunted emotionally - perpetually stuck in a high school mentality. I won't confirm or deny if this is borrowing from my previous experiences, but I've definitely can say that I've at least witnessed a handful of people that have just never left high school, so to speak. If you noticed the adolescent tone of voice in the main character, then that's good! However if it wasn't as prominent I'll definitely look to make that stronger in the revision of this story.
Thank you for taking the time to read this piece and commenting!
1
Ah, I see. I understand that it's in first person perspective, but I think I would have still preferred if the protagonist said "I remember going out with her to this particular location" over "I remember going out with you to this particular location." Both are in first person, but I prefer the use of "she/her" over "you". As I said, it's personal preference and I still enjoyed it!
Thank you for the blessings. Despite me saying I have been with my significant other for as long as I have it doesn't mean some freak calamity has no chance of changing that. As of now, I'm happy that we're still together and believe will be be for a very, very long time.
And don't worry so much about the emotional impact. While not perfect, I thought you drove it home pretty well.
Finally, no need for thanks. I've been a regular here a while and I do my best to make sure that I read everyone's submissions during contests. Unfortunately, my ability to give feedback isn't as impressive as my ability to read. If you do feel the need to thank me, you can read my submission. Of course, that is entirely up to you as I am embarrassed when I ask since I feel like I'm desperately begging. Hahaha...
Thank you for the blessings. Despite me saying I have been with my significant other for as long as I have it doesn't mean some freak calamity has no chance of changing that. As of now, I'm happy that we're still together and believe will be be for a very, very long time.
And don't worry so much about the emotional impact. While not perfect, I thought you drove it home pretty well.
Finally, no need for thanks. I've been a regular here a while and I do my best to make sure that I read everyone's submissions during contests. Unfortunately, my ability to give feedback isn't as impressive as my ability to read. If you do feel the need to thank me, you can read my submission. Of course, that is entirely up to you as I am embarrassed when I ask since I feel like I'm desperately begging. Hahaha...
0
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
So, this is a nice quaint story with a lot of descriptive thought and introspection from the character, concepts that I love. However, the melancholy flow of woe coming from the focal character did tend to go on to the point of dizziness. I had to re-read a few paragraphs to try and analyze where the person was in addition to what they were thinking about, but it wasn't too jarring. The change of perspective did cause a bit more awkwardness in reading, since reading the word "you" does make me think of me, even when I am well aware that these are introspective thoughts coming from the protagonist. Of course, I'm familiar with this style, so it's not too burdensome. As I read through, I was getting memories from watching the anime movie 5 Centimeters Per Second, but this had a good ending, although that is unsure. At the very least, the two happened to meet. The romantic from within me, who absolutely adores good endings, appreciated that and likes to think it worked out after that.
In terms of quality of writing, the story was excellently worded, for the most part. You make some simple mistakes, or perhaps make some choices, that hinder your style. I'm left wondering if you did it on purpose or if it's just clearly a typo. Many are the result of sentences being written in the style of a self-proclamation and a buffet of personal thought, but others are more clear in their errors. Allow me to list some examples:
As a whole, however, I enjoyed it and it's nice to read something thought-heavy. I'm sure everyone can relate in one way or another to a sense of regret and the melancholy of missing the experiences of the past, even the non-romantic ones. For that, I think this entry serves as a nice reminder of those emotions, so well done.
Thank you for joining us in the event with this piece.
In terms of quality of writing, the story was excellently worded, for the most part. You make some simple mistakes, or perhaps make some choices, that hinder your style. I'm left wondering if you did it on purpose or if it's just clearly a typo. Many are the result of sentences being written in the style of a self-proclamation and a buffet of personal thought, but others are more clear in their errors. Allow me to list some examples:
Paper Shadows wrote...
It was probably the best Christmas gift I had ever gotten, had ever gotten.Paper Shadows wrote...
Those nights where I didn’t want bathe in the arbitrary chaos of my own mind so I stayed awake and chose to think of you,...or would I could say if I ever just got another chance to see you again.Paper Shadows wrote...
But seeing you here bathed in snowfall I was at a loss of words despite the countless of times I envisioned seeing you again.As a whole, however, I enjoyed it and it's nice to read something thought-heavy. I'm sure everyone can relate in one way or another to a sense of regret and the melancholy of missing the experiences of the past, even the non-romantic ones. For that, I think this entry serves as a nice reminder of those emotions, so well done.
Thank you for joining us in the event with this piece.
1
Yanker
I read hentai for plot
A nice little reflective piece, not so much a story but maybe a vignette or such. I like the sense of melancholy and nostalgia you've evoked, even if it does stretch for a bit too long, and I like the ending (I'm a sucker for this type of bittersweetness).
As others have mentioned, there are a few inconsistencies in the prose, but nothing too major.
As others have mentioned, there are a few inconsistencies in the prose, but nothing too major.