As he woke up minutes before the alarm on his phone went off, Chris stared at his phone. Rain hit against the window pane of the small apartment room. The grey clouds blotted out the morning sun, and the room was dark despite the open window. The quiet lull of the rain took over the room. Neither gentle nor violent, today’s rain was †˜normal’.
*Beep*
As soon as his phone rang, Chris tapped to shut it off, but continued to stare at it all the same.
He let out a sigh as he looked out the window, “Rain again, huh?”
Reluctantly, he got out from bed and ran through his daily routine: shower, a quick sandwich, and a traffic and weather check. He went through these same motions for many years now, and was functioning entirely on autopilot.
“Clear skies tonight and sunny tomorrow,” Chris muttered monotonously reading off his phone just before he left his apartment. With his gaze unchanged, he smiled slightly, and whispered to himself once more, “That would be nice.”
Chris worked at a fairly large company. The pay was nice, the hours were manageable, and unlike some of his first jobs, this one put use to the skills he learned at university. Though he had to move far from his hometown, he found his coworkers were excellent and he’d made fast friends with many of them when he arrived. The only problem Chris had was the rain.
When Chris first arrived in the city, the weather was just fine. It would rain occasionally, but like everywhere else, there would be plenty of days of sun and clear skies. But as the years went by, he noticed those days of pure unobstructed light were starting to wane. At first, it would rain like clockwork, only once or twice a week, but it wasn’t long before nearly the entire week would be taken over by rain.
Sometimes, it was just a light shower, other times it was thundering. Every so often, it would storm so bad that it was debilitating, making it entirely impossible to go to work. On those days, the thunder would be so loud, Chris felt like lightning was coming down right at his window. He would clutch his head and close his ears and eyes, but it was terrifying all the same. It rang in his head, and lit his room, haunting him every other moment.
He once asked his coworkers about it, but he knew that they would never understand—not a single one of them were fazed. Deep down, he knew why, he wondered why he even asked. That thunder and lightning happened so close, he knew that no one would ever experience the terror and fear he did in those moments. Chris wanted to quit, he wanted to run, but he knew no matter where he went, he would carry this curse along with him. Instead, he chose to ignore it, hoping that if he learned to close himself off, maybe one day he would be numb to the incessant rain like everyone else seemed to be. Maybe the less he thought, the less those storms would come after him. He began to live in monotony.
Sometimes during lunch he would be eating with others, feigning a smile and carefree nature, but on the inside he was unfeeling. His connections felt hollow, and work felt meaningless. The tedium and repetition of work carved into his bones, but that was fine… because it staved off the deluge around the corner. He knew that if he ever flinched, that his flimsy barrier would come crashing down and a typhoon would occur. No one would ever understand.
One day, Chris was alone at lunch, staring blankly out the glass panes of the cafeteria and at the rain until he heard an unfamiliar voice call out to him from across the table.
“Is it okay if I sit here?” The woman asked cautiously, almost worriedly. She had long black hair, and a pair of glasses. She wore a stylish, easy-to-move in sky-blue dress.
Chris looked around seeing that there were more than a few open tables, but assuming she just wanted company he switched to a friendly smile, “Yes, feel free.”
Glad that he accepted, she sat down and opened the box of food she’d packed for lunch.
“Pasta? That looks good; did you make it?” Chris asked smelling the fragrant aroma, especially compared to the sandwich he grabbed from the store across the street.
“Yes! It’s Alfredo pasta I made last night. Would you like some?”
“No, that’s okay. I’m just about done with lunch,” He responded with a gracious smile. “Thank you though. My name’s Chris, it’s nice to meet you.”
“You can call me Alice. Nice to meet you as well. I’m from the editing department.”
“Oh that’s just down the hall from mines. You do look a little bit familiar. Sorry I don’t remember; this place is pretty big.”
Alice chuckled, “Yeah, that’s true. I remember seeing you around as well, but I never got to say †˜hi’.”
“I see. It’s good to finally meet you,” though still slightly confused at her approach, Chris smiled anyways.
The two of them exchanged in small talk about various things like the company or some mutual friends within the company. This was nothing out of the ordinary for Chris, but before the two of them split as the lunch break ended, Alice asked him a question.
“So what were you looking at before I came anyways?” She asked.
There was something peculiar about the way she asked that question Chris thought. Almost like she was searching for something more than just an answer. Her entire presence seemed like an enigma anyways, so he didn't think too much about it. He didn’t know what she was looking for, but he turned towards the glass panes once more. The rain outside was gentle, but the sun was still hidden behind the grey blanket cast on the city.
“I was just looking at the nice weather.” Chris’ tone was low and almost pained. He wore a smile as he looked out, but he could not escape the isolation he felt when he spoke.
There was a moment of silence, and a heaviness permeated through the air until Alice spoke up.
“I see. Yes, the sun is quite bright today isn’t it?”
“Yes, yes it is…”
The two parted ways and the day carried on like normal for Chris. After work, he went home, and once again it began to storm.
Loudly and perpetually, the rain rammed against his window panes and his mind indiscriminately.
“Why? Where did I go wrong? Is it because I spoke to Alice?” With every thought a thundering roar shook his apartment leaving Chris clutching his head on the floor barely away from the door.
Things were so much simpler when I was in high school and college. Where did it all go wrong? I thought I got a good job. I thought I made friends. And yet— Once again lightning struck down, interrupting his thoughts, this time louder and more powerful than any he’d ever heard.
Even in spite of that, he could not empty his mind. Tears began to flow down his face and his thoughts spiraled out of control, just as the weather did outside. Where did I go wrong? I was supposed to do so much more? What am I doing? Why am I here?
Someone please help—
The next day, he woke up realizing he was still on the floor. He had a headache, and naturally it was raining even if the weather forecast said it was sunny. Chris knew that it would never go away. He could play games, he could socialize, he could go to work, but he knew that nothing would stop it. He could hear it everywhere, permeating every aspect of his life. But this was normal for him. So, even as he laid on the floor from the events of last night, he emptied his mind like clockwork once again and began his day as usual.
Chris’ day was normal, except for one thing, he ran into Alice again. However, he didn’t just run into her once; he ran into her the day after, and the day after that as well. The days would turn into weeks, and the weeks would turn into months and somehow, the two of them continued to meet for a majority of the days. Her abnormal presence started to become the new normal. Chris was sure it wasn’t a coincidence, but much to his surprise, he felt that as the two of them grew closer, the storms within himself grew milder by the day. He was still unsure why she continued to reach out towards him so often, but he never brought it up until one day Alice asked him if he wanted to grab something to eat after work.
At a restaurant close to the company, the pitter patter of the rain was gentle, and the two of them were already midway through their meal. Their conversations recently were light and friendly, and their current get-together was looking the same way.
“You know, it’s been a few months now,” Chris brought up, “But, I’ve never asked why you came up to me that first time. Why’d you sit with me that day?”
Alice paused, half surprised, but also half expecting the question. “That day wasn’t the first time I saw you, and I wanted to say †˜hi’. Well, I think that’s what I told you back then.”
She took a sip of her drink and cleared her throat before she continued. “Specifically though, I’d seen you in the cafeteria alone staring out the windows many times. Always the exact same place, and the exact same look. I wondered what you were looking at, and wondered what you were thinking.”
“I see,” Chris cocked his head slightly in confusion. “So is that why you came to talk to me? To learn what I was looking at?”
“No,” Alice’s tone was low and forlorn, “I talked to you because I thought you might understand.”
Chris tried to remember his first conversation with her, but he didn’t recall anything worth †˜understanding’. Running through his memories of his other conversations with her, nothing seemed out of the ordinary either. He was visibly confused.
“Understand what?”
“Well I never got to bring it up, but,” Her gaze was fixated on Chris, in a combination of anticipation, worry, and dread. She twirled the straw in her cup, and the ice broke up the heavy air of their conversation, only to have her reel it back in, “Do you ever think about why we’re alive?”
The world felt like it came to a standstill. Chris was almost certain that he must have heard her wrong, but the look on her face defied his expectation. And in that moment, there was no food, no other customers, no waiter, and no rain; there was only Alice and himself.
Reflexively he asked, “W-What did you say?”
“You know… don’t you wonder sometimes why we’re here sometimes? Or… is that just me?”
Chris almost cried. As if a crushing weight had been lifted from him, he stared back at Alice in disbelief. There was a silence that hung for what seemed like an eternity, but it wasn’t unpleasant to Chris. In fact, it was perhaps the calmest he’d been in years. The rain that had haunted him for so long, was suddenly gone. But, the look on Alice’s face said, she was feeling otherwise.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I was just… lost in thought. I didn’t think you had those kinds of thoughts.”
“Yeah, I didn’t think so either, but ever since I moved away from home to work here, I’ve been feeling really… uneasy. It was easier when I was in school, but now that I’m alone, it feels like I don’t know what to do. Like I’m lost. Like there should be meaning to what I'm doing, but I just don't know. And maybe I’m wrong, but those days at the cafeteria, you reminded me of myself. I thought… that you might understand.”
“Wow, you have no idea,” Chris wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes that were building up. “I never thought I would find someone who felt so similar. I have these kinds of thoughts all the time. Constantly, those kinds of those invade my mind, and sometimes… sometimes it’s too much.”
Chris smiled, and the smile was filled with pain, but also a boundless, liberating satisfaction knowing that he could talk freely. “I have nights where I spiral into negative thoughts. I didn't know why I was working or why I was even alive. It’s like a typhoon I can’t escape. And I think at some point, those storms became my reality. Every day, the depression creeps up on me, always looming always there. I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I stopped thinking about anything at all. And before I knew it, I could no longer tell the rain of my imagination from reality. That day we met… I was watching the rain. I’m always watching the rain.”
Chris was lost in thought as he spoke, but when he looked up, he found Alice completely and unrelentingly bawling her eyes out. She just about leapt across the table and embraced him.
“I didn’t know you had it so bad! I’m so sorry I brought it up!” She words were shaky as she continued to apologize. It was only after the murmurs of the restaurant began to escalate did she stop and realize the scene she’d caused. The two of them hurriedly paid their bills and took a walk outside instead.
It was cold outside as it was already nearing Christmas, but Chris who had been mostly silent since they left felt an incredible amount of warmth from within himself.
“You don’t need to apologize Alice. You’ve no idea how much it means to me that you asked.” He turned as he said those words and once again she was nearly bawling.
“I’m so—” She stopped herself, “No, I’m really glad I talked to you as well. It was really eating at me, but everyone else seemed so normal. I guess this kind of thing is hard to talk about huh?”
“Yeah, I guess it is. I bottled it up for too long, and I knew it too. I just didn’t know what to do. Who knew talking about it could make me feel this free, this serene.”
“Yeah, I agree.” The two of them walked together satisfied, but Alice still had lingering doubts, “But, what now? We haven’t answered those questions right?”
“Ah, you’re right.” Chris thought it was comical how quickly his worried seemed to dissipate that he forgot that neither of them had an answer to their questions. “Maybe we can think about it?”
Alice laughed at how carefree his answer was, “That sounds like an awful plan.”
“What can I say, it’s been about 10 minutes and the rain has actually stopped. Maybe this is all we needed.”
“So, you have no idea is what you’re saying,” She replied smugly.
“Yeah, I have no idea. Let’s just take in this nice weather shall we?” He chuckled at the words he thought he would never be able to say.
“I guess… but we should make plans.” She said excitedly.
“Even though we see each other at work?”
“Well we can’t really talk about this kind of thing at work right? Otherwise we’d never gotten to this point. I had to ask you out!” She jabbed him.
“You have a good point…” Chris felt some shame knowing she was the one always initiating. So, steeling himself, he took the lead this time, “Well, how about Christmas Eve? Do you have plans?”
“No, I’m free!”
“How about we go somewhere?”
“Eh…” Alice shot him a dubious look, eyeing him from head-to-toe, “Well, I guess it’ll be okay.”
“What do you mean it’ll be okay?!” Chris cried out in exaggeration. The two of them laughed in unison as they bantered late into the evening.
Chris knew that the rain was probably not gone, but in that moment, it no longer controlled him. That evening, the skies were clear all night. And the forecast for the week had no rain.