[Winter Contest Entry 2020] Together in the Void
2
xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
How much longer do I need to walk?
How much farther do I go?
How much more time will I have to watch this snowfall? When does it end?
Alice continued to walk blindly into the void of white filling the field all around her, her tracks leaving tracks that were deep, but would surely be filled in an instant. Even though she was well dressed to deal with the cold, after hours of marching since her last stop, it was obvious that she wasn’t going to be able to withstand the cold much longer.
I can’t go back to that bunker. I’m not going to just die sleeping.
She was determined, but her pace said otherwise. She could barely breathe, her vision became blurry, and the interval between her steps seemed longer every time she lifted her foot. She hadn’t eaten in days, and her body was already well past its limits. She began going in and out of consciousness until eventually her body crumbled, causing her to trip. The last thing she saw was the white void of the ground crashing into her vision.
Not like this. Please, someone help…
****
The impossible cackle of fire, as well as the savory scent of meat hanging in the air, caused Alice to shudder awake. Her body screamed in pain the moment she woke up almost rendering her unconscious once again. Her voice let out a low, hoarse and dry scream. Her eyes took a minute to even adjust to her surroundings, but even before they focused, she was deeply confused at the absence of the searing wind and snow that she’d heard for so long.
“Ah, you’re awake.” An unfamiliar voice called out to her.
Alice hadn’t heard a voice in days, and even back in the bunker, the few people there barely talked as their bodies and minds succumbed to the ruthless winter. She believed she was hallucinating for a moment before she confirmed with her eyes that there was indeed a young man sitting across from her with a fire in between both of them. The confusion and surprise finally began to set in.
“There’s a canteen next to you. And you can have whatever is in the can to eat.”
She had many questions, and looked at the young man warily, but her body said otherwise as she instinctively grabbed the canteen and desperately drank its contents, and then consumed what was left in the can. It was the greatest meal she’d had in months.
After finishing what was offered to her, she finally got a hold of her senses as well as her sense of embarrassment. Her face flared slightly, but given the situation, she was overwhelmingly grateful.
“T-Thank you...” She said sincerely. “Did you save me?”
“I suppose so. I barely heard something when I was out looking for food. Didn’t expect to see someone laying in the snow though.”
“How’d you bring me back? Where is this place anyways?”
“What do you mean? I dragged you back here. You’re pretty heavy you know?”
“I-It’s the coat...” She flared up once again. It was a small thing, but the fact that she was even having this kind of situation filled her with an unbelievable warmth. She didn’t know she could still feel this way.
“I see! It’s true that our clothes are pretty heavy.” The young man gave a hearty laugh. Looking between both Alice and himself, both of which were similarly dressed, he continued. “Well, anyways, we’re in the city.”
The young man took out a map and laid it on the tiled floor beside the fire for the both of them to see. It was at this moment that Alice had finally realized she was in a building. And not just a bunker, but a real building with tiled floors and painted walls. With a quick look around, she could see it was probably some kind of large company building. She wondered just how far did she walk if she made it to the next city? Or how far did he drag her?
After explaining their relative positions on the map, the young man rolled it up and put it back into his modest backpack.
“My name’s Chris by the way.”
“I’m Alice. Thanks for saving me Chris.” She gave him a deep nod. “I even ate your food and water...” She knew how precious those kinds of resources could be in this time.
“It’s fine. I still have a bit more.” He tapped his backpack. “And the city still has some resources. If we work together, maybe we can clean it out before moving on.”
Alice was amazed at how composed he was. “How long have you been traveling? You seem used to this kind of thing.”
“I’ve been alone since the Everlasting Winter started a few years ago. I couldn’t make it to a bunker, and I was too scared to make the trip alone. Really, if I looked I’m sure I could’ve gotten help and gotten to one, but… I guess it’s in the past.” He spoke nostalgically. “Those were better times.”
“I guess being stranded did help me learn how to get around though. But, it’s pretty lonely. I’m glad I finally met someone. Too bad about the circumstances though.” He smiled once again. For someone who had been traveling alone for so long, finally having some social contact meant more than Alice probably imagined. He wiped the tears that were welling in his eyes. “Really… I’m so glad.”
“You never tried to get to a bunker?”
“I did a few times, but there was no answer.” He responded solemnly. “I don’t know if they just were denying me, but there were never any answers. Maybe they ran out of supplies.”
“I see.” She thought back to her bunker. True enough, their supplies were already nonexistent. And even if they did, it would be hard to provide for even one more person. And anyone who went out to get supplies never came back.
A silence hung in the air for a moment before Chris broke it once again.
“So what do you plan on doing? Do you want to clean out this city with me?”
Alice had left the bunker because the stench of death had permeated the entire place. There were none that were alive, and those that had the will to survive had stepped out like she did. She’d lost her friends and her family, and now she had nothing left.
“If possible, I’d like to travel with you. I don’t have anything left. At the bunker or even right now...”
“I’d love that!” Chris burst aloud. Tears began to well once again. “It really is… a pleasure to meet you Alice.”
With a snowstorm still raging just outside the walls of the building, the two of them sat in a silence different from the ones they had endured for so long. A comforting, warm silence permeated the atmosphere. At that moment, they didn’t know how long they would be able to survive, or if they would meet anyone else, but they both were glad to have found each other.
How much longer would we walk?
How far would we get?
And would we ever get to see the end of the snowfall?
The changes were subtle, but Alice was already beginning to ask new questions.
How much farther do I go?
How much more time will I have to watch this snowfall? When does it end?
Alice continued to walk blindly into the void of white filling the field all around her, her tracks leaving tracks that were deep, but would surely be filled in an instant. Even though she was well dressed to deal with the cold, after hours of marching since her last stop, it was obvious that she wasn’t going to be able to withstand the cold much longer.
I can’t go back to that bunker. I’m not going to just die sleeping.
She was determined, but her pace said otherwise. She could barely breathe, her vision became blurry, and the interval between her steps seemed longer every time she lifted her foot. She hadn’t eaten in days, and her body was already well past its limits. She began going in and out of consciousness until eventually her body crumbled, causing her to trip. The last thing she saw was the white void of the ground crashing into her vision.
Not like this. Please, someone help…
****
The impossible cackle of fire, as well as the savory scent of meat hanging in the air, caused Alice to shudder awake. Her body screamed in pain the moment she woke up almost rendering her unconscious once again. Her voice let out a low, hoarse and dry scream. Her eyes took a minute to even adjust to her surroundings, but even before they focused, she was deeply confused at the absence of the searing wind and snow that she’d heard for so long.
“Ah, you’re awake.” An unfamiliar voice called out to her.
Alice hadn’t heard a voice in days, and even back in the bunker, the few people there barely talked as their bodies and minds succumbed to the ruthless winter. She believed she was hallucinating for a moment before she confirmed with her eyes that there was indeed a young man sitting across from her with a fire in between both of them. The confusion and surprise finally began to set in.
“There’s a canteen next to you. And you can have whatever is in the can to eat.”
She had many questions, and looked at the young man warily, but her body said otherwise as she instinctively grabbed the canteen and desperately drank its contents, and then consumed what was left in the can. It was the greatest meal she’d had in months.
After finishing what was offered to her, she finally got a hold of her senses as well as her sense of embarrassment. Her face flared slightly, but given the situation, she was overwhelmingly grateful.
“T-Thank you...” She said sincerely. “Did you save me?”
“I suppose so. I barely heard something when I was out looking for food. Didn’t expect to see someone laying in the snow though.”
“How’d you bring me back? Where is this place anyways?”
“What do you mean? I dragged you back here. You’re pretty heavy you know?”
“I-It’s the coat...” She flared up once again. It was a small thing, but the fact that she was even having this kind of situation filled her with an unbelievable warmth. She didn’t know she could still feel this way.
“I see! It’s true that our clothes are pretty heavy.” The young man gave a hearty laugh. Looking between both Alice and himself, both of which were similarly dressed, he continued. “Well, anyways, we’re in the city.”
The young man took out a map and laid it on the tiled floor beside the fire for the both of them to see. It was at this moment that Alice had finally realized she was in a building. And not just a bunker, but a real building with tiled floors and painted walls. With a quick look around, she could see it was probably some kind of large company building. She wondered just how far did she walk if she made it to the next city? Or how far did he drag her?
After explaining their relative positions on the map, the young man rolled it up and put it back into his modest backpack.
“My name’s Chris by the way.”
“I’m Alice. Thanks for saving me Chris.” She gave him a deep nod. “I even ate your food and water...” She knew how precious those kinds of resources could be in this time.
“It’s fine. I still have a bit more.” He tapped his backpack. “And the city still has some resources. If we work together, maybe we can clean it out before moving on.”
Alice was amazed at how composed he was. “How long have you been traveling? You seem used to this kind of thing.”
“I’ve been alone since the Everlasting Winter started a few years ago. I couldn’t make it to a bunker, and I was too scared to make the trip alone. Really, if I looked I’m sure I could’ve gotten help and gotten to one, but… I guess it’s in the past.” He spoke nostalgically. “Those were better times.”
“I guess being stranded did help me learn how to get around though. But, it’s pretty lonely. I’m glad I finally met someone. Too bad about the circumstances though.” He smiled once again. For someone who had been traveling alone for so long, finally having some social contact meant more than Alice probably imagined. He wiped the tears that were welling in his eyes. “Really… I’m so glad.”
“You never tried to get to a bunker?”
“I did a few times, but there was no answer.” He responded solemnly. “I don’t know if they just were denying me, but there were never any answers. Maybe they ran out of supplies.”
“I see.” She thought back to her bunker. True enough, their supplies were already nonexistent. And even if they did, it would be hard to provide for even one more person. And anyone who went out to get supplies never came back.
A silence hung in the air for a moment before Chris broke it once again.
“So what do you plan on doing? Do you want to clean out this city with me?”
Alice had left the bunker because the stench of death had permeated the entire place. There were none that were alive, and those that had the will to survive had stepped out like she did. She’d lost her friends and her family, and now she had nothing left.
“If possible, I’d like to travel with you. I don’t have anything left. At the bunker or even right now...”
“I’d love that!” Chris burst aloud. Tears began to well once again. “It really is… a pleasure to meet you Alice.”
With a snowstorm still raging just outside the walls of the building, the two of them sat in a silence different from the ones they had endured for so long. A comforting, warm silence permeated the atmosphere. At that moment, they didn’t know how long they would be able to survive, or if they would meet anyone else, but they both were glad to have found each other.
How much longer would we walk?
How far would we get?
And would we ever get to see the end of the snowfall?
The changes were subtle, but Alice was already beginning to ask new questions.
2
This was neat, short, and sweet! Short stories about hope always feel good to read. It was very minimal, but I felt that was adequate for the story you were telling. I knew exactly what was happening and had an idea of what was going to happen. In fact, this felt a bit like a prologue to an awesome Nuclear Winter story where Chris and Alice are going to partake in several exciting voyages. I don’t really have much else to say except I like how the story was framed. I felt some of the wording made it a bit rough to read, but I like how it was framed by starting with questions and ending with questions. It was a nice touch that made me smile, because despite its length, it allowed enough insight to see how Alice was slowly changing as she experienced the world around her. Finally, on a completely different note, I like these recurring character names (or is it the characters as well?) that you use. It’s a nice touch that reminds me it’s your writing.
Overall, and enjoyable read. Good job, Nine!
Overall, and enjoyable read. Good job, Nine!
2
I like epics, but I also really appreciate simpler stories like this that aren't about people saving the world, or even a punk band doing a heist.
I think my biggest issue with the story is it takes longer than it feels like it should for me to understand the plot. The first half makes it seem that the main conflict is Alice surviving in a harsh environment. That is definitely a goal of hers, but it's not the focus of the story. By the end (correct me if I'm wrong), it seems the main conflict is Alice being lonely, which gets solved by her asking to join Chris.
After reading the whole story, I know that the questions Alice asks herself at the beginning are a setup to show how her mindset changes by the end, but this wasn't enough for me while reading through it the first time.
A few other things:
This is nitpicky, but if they're in a building, is there ventilation for the smoke from the fire to air out of the room? Kind of a problem if not.
I'll use this line to mention something I've noticed about the way you handle dialogue. You tend to make the line after the dialogue its own sentence, and while you can do this, you usually do it with dialogue tags, which usually aren't their own sentences. For example, I would edit the above line to look like:
"Ah, you're awake," an unfamiliar voice called out to her.
There's wriggle room to do things differently, but this is the way they're normally done in most books I read. I just wanted to point this out in case you weren't aware of it. It's not a big deal, but it did take me out of the story when I first saw it.
I think my biggest issue with the story is it takes longer than it feels like it should for me to understand the plot. The first half makes it seem that the main conflict is Alice surviving in a harsh environment. That is definitely a goal of hers, but it's not the focus of the story. By the end (correct me if I'm wrong), it seems the main conflict is Alice being lonely, which gets solved by her asking to join Chris.
After reading the whole story, I know that the questions Alice asks herself at the beginning are a setup to show how her mindset changes by the end, but this wasn't enough for me while reading through it the first time.
A few other things:
It was at this moment that Alice had finally realized she was in a building.
This is nitpicky, but if they're in a building, is there ventilation for the smoke from the fire to air out of the room? Kind of a problem if not.
“Ah, you’re awake.” An unfamiliar voice called out to her.
I'll use this line to mention something I've noticed about the way you handle dialogue. You tend to make the line after the dialogue its own sentence, and while you can do this, you usually do it with dialogue tags, which usually aren't their own sentences. For example, I would edit the above line to look like:
"Ah, you're awake," an unfamiliar voice called out to her.
There's wriggle room to do things differently, but this is the way they're normally done in most books I read. I just wanted to point this out in case you weren't aware of it. It's not a big deal, but it did take me out of the story when I first saw it.
2
xninebreaker
FAKKU Writer
crazr and d back for the 10th anniversary. Good to see both of you!
Unfortunately, this is very well justified criticism imo. I really wanted to sell the situation that they were in, but it is correct that the major overarching focus was the idea of companionship. Not necessarily romance, but people who would be willing to share in your journey, even (or especially) when a situation seems hopeless.
I did not consider this. I could make up a reason, but in the moment I overlooked it. I shall try to remember this in the future.
This is very helpful. Thank you!
It's too bad you weren't able to submit anything. I'd have loved to see what you could've written. Thanks for reading!
First of all, thanks for all the kind words. I'm glad you read it!
The stories I tend to write are almost always focused on a kind of 'personal' feeling that I want to convey—things like love, companionship, loneliness, and grief. I try to bridge the reader so they understand and empathize. So, I tend to have recurring characters because it's easier for me to get into a certain frame of mind. The characters are based loosely on people I know and understand, so it's easy for me to picture the dynamics between them.
This is why you see Alice and Chris often paired as friends, and Peter and Vy paired as lovers.
Anyways, I'm glad you took the time to read it! Thank you!
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
I think my biggest issue with the story is it takes longer than it feels like it should for me to understand the plot. The first half makes it seem that the main conflict is Alice surviving in a harsh environment. That is definitely a goal of hers, but it's not the focus of the story. By the end (correct me if I'm wrong), it seems the main conflict is Alice being lonely, which gets solved by her asking to join Chris.Unfortunately, this is very well justified criticism imo. I really wanted to sell the situation that they were in, but it is correct that the major overarching focus was the idea of companionship. Not necessarily romance, but people who would be willing to share in your journey, even (or especially) when a situation seems hopeless.
This is nitpicky, but if they're in a building, is there ventilation for the smoke from the fire to air out of the room? Kind of a problem if not.
I did not consider this. I could make up a reason, but in the moment I overlooked it. I shall try to remember this in the future.
I'll use this line to mention something I've noticed about the way you handle dialogue. You tend to make the line after the dialogue its own sentence, and while you can do this, you usually do it with dialogue tags, which usually aren't their own sentences. For example, I would edit the above line to look like:
"Ah, you're awake," an unfamiliar voice called out to her.
"Ah, you're awake," an unfamiliar voice called out to her.
This is very helpful. Thank you!
It's too bad you weren't able to submit anything. I'd have loved to see what you could've written. Thanks for reading!
crazr wrote...
Overall, and enjoyable read. Good job, Nine!First of all, thanks for all the kind words. I'm glad you read it!
Finally, on a completely different note, I like these recurring character names (or is it the characters as well?) that you use. It’s a nice touch that reminds me it’s your writing.
The stories I tend to write are almost always focused on a kind of 'personal' feeling that I want to convey—things like love, companionship, loneliness, and grief. I try to bridge the reader so they understand and empathize. So, I tend to have recurring characters because it's easier for me to get into a certain frame of mind. The characters are based loosely on people I know and understand, so it's easy for me to picture the dynamics between them.
This is why you see Alice and Chris often paired as friends, and Peter and Vy paired as lovers.
Anyways, I'm glad you took the time to read it! Thank you!
1
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
A nice sample of survival in the face of bleak chances. I enjoyed Alice's change in character from her questions in the beginning being solo to the ending when they were inclusive of both of them together. You always write good story samples of companionship, xnine.
Here are some notes that I had while I was reading:
There must be a better way to say this than to reuse the word "tracks."
You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that Imperial ambush...
Sorry, bad joke.
"Even if they did" grammatically should follow a negative statement. "Their supplies were already nonexistent" is a positive descriptive statement, even if it seems negative. It's stating what the supplies are (nonexistent) rather than what they are not (not present). You can solve this conundrum by either changing the first statement (They had no supplies.) or changing the second (And even if they had supplies).
That's all for this entry.
It may just be knowing you for so long, but reading about Chris and Alice again this year meeting in yet another setting, from rain to snow, reminds me about Peter and Vy from the old days.
I always find myself rooting for your characters' well-being, no matter who.
Thank you for bringing this submission to us, and I hope 2021 treats you well!
Also:
Touché, d. Although, I agree!
I did not consider this. I could make up a reason, but in the moment I overlooked it. I shall try to remember this in the future.
If it's any consolation, because of the setting of post-civilization, I imagined a building ruins with some cover but holes crumbled from the sides.
Here are some notes that I had while I was reading:
xninebreaker wrote...
her tracks leaving tracks that were deep, but would surely be filled in an instant.There must be a better way to say this than to reuse the word "tracks."
xninebreaker wrote...
“Ah, you’re awake.” An unfamiliar voice called out to her.You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that Imperial ambush...
Sorry, bad joke.
xninebreaker wrote...
True enough, their supplies were already nonexistent. And even if they did, it would be hard to provide for even one more person."Even if they did" grammatically should follow a negative statement. "Their supplies were already nonexistent" is a positive descriptive statement, even if it seems negative. It's stating what the supplies are (nonexistent) rather than what they are not (not present). You can solve this conundrum by either changing the first statement (They had no supplies.) or changing the second (And even if they had supplies).
That's all for this entry.
It may just be knowing you for so long, but reading about Chris and Alice again this year meeting in yet another setting, from rain to snow, reminds me about Peter and Vy from the old days.
I always find myself rooting for your characters' well-being, no matter who.
Thank you for bringing this submission to us, and I hope 2021 treats you well!
Also:
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
or even a punk band doing a heist.Touché, d. Although, I agree!
xninebreaker wrote...
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
This is nitpicky, but if they're in a building, is there ventilation for the smoke from the fire to air out of the room? Kind of a problem if not.I did not consider this. I could make up a reason, but in the moment I overlooked it. I shall try to remember this in the future.
If it's any consolation, because of the setting of post-civilization, I imagined a building ruins with some cover but holes crumbled from the sides.