[Winter Contest Non-Entry 2013] She's an Angel Now

The man had been sitting there for the past five hours straight, hadn’t eaten or drank in fifteen. All that shared his company was an empty cradle; the blanket that previously belonged inside was in his lap, wrinkled and damp in places. A knocking came to the door responded by silence, yet the door opened regardless. “Hey, I’m here.” An awkward silence ensued; the man was uncertain if he should approach, but he shut the door behind him. He fiddled with his gloves for a bit, then put them in his pockets.

“Thanks for being here, John.” The man’s voice was raspy and strained, however his gaze stayed straight. It could barely be seen in such poor light, but his face was a wreck, his eyes red and swollen.

“Sure, sure, absolutely. I can only imagine how bad things must be for you right now.” He took a few more steps closer, unsure if he should sit next to or near his friend, or even sit at all. “She was only- Only a couple weeks, wasn’t she?”

“Seventeen days, eleven hours.” His words were firm and confident, as if he had rehearsed that line repeatedly in his mind constantly.

“She was a beautiful baby.” John yanked that line out from the nearest place he could in his mind, as it was the only immediate response he could think of. “How’s Susannah dealing with it?” His friend turned sullen and looked downward.

“She couldn’t eat or sleep. Just sort of lost her will-” His voice cut off and he choked, beginning to sob. John sat down on the dresser next to his friend and put his arms around him. It seemed like what he was supposed to do, what his friend needed.

“Hey, hey, it’s gonna be alright. You guys will pull through this.” He started sobbing harder.

“She’s gone, John. She’s gone too.” John froze for a moment, arms still around his friend.

“Wait, Michael, you don’t mean gone gone, do you?” He caught his composure for a brief moment.

“She couldn’t take it. I came home and found her in the tub, bled out.” John couldn’t believe what he was hearing, it was almost surreal.

“When was this?” John tried again to console his friend, but felt horribly out of place, unsure if what he was doing made him feel any better.

“A couple days ago, I think. There was no saving her. She had been gone too long. She loved the baby so much.” Michael began to break down again. “Fuck SIDS, John. Fuckin’…I don’t know what to do anymore. I lost the two girls I love the most.” This was tragic. John gave his friend an awkward pat as he broke down once more, burying his face into the blanket.

“Michael, you can’t stay here all alone, why don’t you come back to my place and we’ll figure it out, alright?” He sniffled and looked straight, trying to breathe deeply.

A few minutes passed as John allowed the broken man time to think. “I don’t think so. I just need to be here for what’s left.” This was a dangerous situation, but John couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Alright then…but promise me you’ll go get help in the morning. You need it.” John got up slowly after giving his friend another few rubs and pats. It seemed to help a bit. “I’ll come back in the morning, alright? Try to get some rest. And—,” he wasn’t sure if it’d be much help, but he had to say something, “about Susannah. She’s an angel now, so you don’t have to worry too much.” After saying that, Michael looked up at him. He whimpered and his eyes were drained and screamed desperation, sadness, and depression. As those eyes dug deep into John, he felt a churning in his gut. He had to get out of there. Michael sunk his head into his hands, the blanket crumpled up in one. He began to weep once more and John slowly turned and left, closing the door quietly and leaving the grieving man to mourn. His sleep that night was rife with nightmares in concern for his friend.

Morning came and John stopped by to check on Michael. He knocked once and called out. “Michael, it’s me again. Are you doing okay? Can I come in?” There was no response. He likely didn’t sleep well, so perhaps he was passed out from the deprivation. He knocked once more, although felt he should just open it regardless. The knob turned; it was unlocked, just as last night. He opened the door wider. “Michael? You there?” he called out, only to be met with the image he feared the most. There was Michael, strung up and hanging from the chandelier John helped him install years ago. A chair was kicked away a few feet from his body. He was a dead tint of pale, gone a long while. John slowly made steps in, unsure how to react or respond, his mouth agape. Just a week ago, this was the home of his dear friend and the family he had started to raise; now it belonged to the dead. He felt faint and went down on his knees. His body that was so awkward and uncertain felt the first twinge of genuine compassion for the loss of his dear friend and his family, people so special and now gone. At that moment, the first of many tears were shed for the loss of the innocent.

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A/N: Well, I couldn't let the other two judges get away with near-entries and not have one of my own. This is a first draft, and I likely won't perfect it. Just wanted to write it and get it out there. Why are my submissions so tragic? I honestly don't know.

Don't worry Xenon. I know how it feels like intending to write something light hearted only to find myself depressed after finishing the story. Poor, poor Sanae...

I see you couldn't resist either, my friend. I should've had your forethought to make use of the brackets for mine, but oh well. I'll be printing this out and reading it at work tomorrow. Excitement!

It's a good enough premise, but it does read like a first draft. I guess an in-depth feedback would be out of place right now, with it being a first draft?

I wouldn't mind if you wanted to give it one, but I don't think I'll be working further on this particular piece, so first draft? Probably only draft.

I could slew out issues with the story, such as the lack of build-up, no particular care or investment for the characters, overly dramatic and probably unnecessarily tragic, etc. I would appreciate analysis of grammar, however. My descriptive stories are getting horribly repetitive and I need to find out a way to diversify and get creative with my sentence structure. It happened in this piece and was even more present in my Halloween entry, which may be more worth your time. I need to advance this somehow. That's what I'd like to improve on, personally.

Always wanted someone to write a nonsensical monologue or a satire in the form of a story. You can try that. Quite confident you will do a better job than me.

That said what illness are both of them suffering from. Doesn't look as if they are murdered.

I would have a hard time coming up with nonsensical dialogue since I am a sane man, though I might just cave and give it a shot if the willingness to try overcomes me. I don't think anything would be big on the leonard scale, though.

EDIT: Forgot to address your question. There's no illness. I'll just leave this article on SIDS here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sudden_infant_death_syndrome

Join the dark side, give in to your anger (and frustration) and you will be writing nonsensical monologues in no time at all. This is one very important source of inspiration for me. As for nonsensical dialogue, this is way beyond me. I can't even write ordinary dialogues.

Ah... I have heard of Sudden infant death syndrome.

This shit's about to get in-depth!



This sentence is grammatically wrong. Deleting the comma and putting an "and" in its place would fix it.

I'd also replace "The man" with Michale. Personally, I like to get my characters' names out as soon as possible unless there's a reason to hold them back.



Regarding the "to": Wouldn't it be better to say "from" instead?

Regarding "responded": I'd replace it with "followed"

It feels like more should be added to this sentence as well. It jumps from the silence to the door opening. "Yet the door opened regardless" kind of implies that the silence in uninviting in someway.



You've already used the word "silence" two sentences ago. Not to sound like an ass, but most people don't like repetition of the same word in such close proximity.

Now you've used "the man" to refer to two different characters. It's not too difficult to distinguish who's who in this case, but it would still be better to come up with unique ways to identify them. You don't even have to use names. You could do something like Blanket Man and Door Man.



Why would any sane man store his gloves in different pockets!?



Again, it's easy enough to figure out who's who, but it would be even better if readers didn't have to make any guess at all. You've used "the man" again, and that could be referring to either of the characters.



This description could use a little rearranging. First, you describe his voice, then eyes. Then you go to the lighting of the room, next to his face and then back to his eyes. You see where I'm going with this? Keep both points that describe his eyes together to make it read better and feel less cluttered.

Also consider that this description can essentially be broken down into two senses: hearing and sight. Also, you can't have sight without light so I'd mention the lighting of the room first.



Delete the second comma, I think.

Why exactly is John not sure where to sit? Obviously, he doesn't know how to act in the situation, but is he a shy person? Does the sight of his friend breaking down in tears unhinge him? Is he worried that saying or doing the wrong thing might set his friend off?



I think you can do away with this comma as well. I think. I hate commas.

I'm not too crazy about describing the line of dialogue as a rehearsed line. Yeah, it helps illustrate that it's firm and confident, but I would call to attention the fact that Michale would know so much more precisely how long his daughter lived because, well, she was his daughter.



He's pretty damn sullen already, isn't he?



I think it would be better if this sentence were changed to, "His sobbing grew harder." Why? Break the original sentence down. It reads fine all together, but if you look at a smaller piece like "started sobbing," the first thing to come to mind is that Miachale already started sobbing.

Screw it. I had intended to analyze the whole thing, but it's past midnight and I'm tired. Sorry.

Looking at it again, I think it might benefit from an em dash.



Ah, I usually hold onto them until they're spoken in dialogue, unless of course I plan to be sparse with speech. I usually think "Why would they know his name? They wouldn't, so I won't mention it until it becomes necessary or needed." I sort of imagine scenes like a movie. If the shot begins with a man in the room, you wouldn't know his name. However, I think I need to sway away from that line of thought and remember that this is literature.



I'm inclined to agree with "from," as sometimes I word actions awkwardly like that. However, it was responded to by silence because no one answered the knock, not because he was silent after he knocked. So yes, the silence was uninviting.



I would agree, I should diversify my language. Haha, I don't think I shall call them Blanket Man and Door Man. That sounds like a couple of lame and unfortunately misguided super hero wanna-bes. However, you are correct, and this troubled me slightly while writing it, but I pushed on after tossing it aside. I will make a note to learn how to deal with this when it comes up in a writing I want to take further.



Er...I do. I guess some don't then? If I'm not sane, I suppose I can write for leonard now. Funny how you find out about these things. I keep the right in my right and the left in my left. Come to think of it, I guess I should reverse that for logical purposes, since the hand puts the glove onto its opposite. Oh, my OCD will be killing me if I switch.



True, true. All true.



Ahh, very interesting. I honestly didn't think about this when I wrote it, nor did it occur to me. I should certainly pay more attention in the future. Thanks for the tip.



I considered its removal, but left it in because it would have made "sit next to or near his friend or even sit at all" sound a tad novice with two "or"s used repetitively, so I opted for the comma to be used as a verbal break. I know I can't speak it to give the auditory example, but perhaps you can imagine. It must be weird, I know. That's why I added it in the end, though I should find a way around it.

About your questions, I'd say spot on, which ironically enough inspired the title. However, I could have mentioned those things and they would have been more obvious, that's for certain.



Actually, you are correct. See what I did there? I think that comma's unnecessary too. Sometimes I overuse commas to signify an auditory break, which is for artistic purposes, but it does cause me to harass the comma key a bit too much. This is why I want to perfect the em dash.

About the sentence with the rehearsed line, I think my use of "constantly" is redundant because of the use of "repeatedly." Although they do both represent quantity and time separately, I don't think that matters much enough to have included.



You're right, I should have strengthened it.



Yes, a sentence which is a victim to my bad habit of writing passively.



I know exactly what you mean. Imagine, I was about to wonder off to bed now that it's turned into the later AMs, but I simply had to refresh the W&F page and find a new notification that you posted here, and I just had to respond immediately, didn't I? Nope, couldn't wait until the morning like a normal person. Ah well, it's my turn to be off. I'll look forward to any future remarks you make. Thanks for this, though. You're a big help.

It depends on whose point of view the scene is being told from. If it's being told from Michale's point of view, then there's no reason why Michale shouldn't know his own name right off the bat as well as the name of his friend. And yeah, this is literature, not film. You can do sooooooo much more with words that you can't do with a camera.



I'd say both are correct. The silence followed the knock. The silence is also Michale's response to the knock. I, however, am partial to "followed."



You are definitely insane.



I suppose so. You could also delete the first or and replace it with a comma.



I worry that I use too many commas too. Sometimes there are ways to re-write sentences so that commas aren't necessary. Might be an option you could consider.



My bad!

But you're welcome!

Xenon, you may (not) find this useful.

How to Write Like Leonard267

1. Be utterly verbose. Use overly long sentences that string together many ideas at once. Never mind that the end product is difficult to read. Eg: However, the drunk people in the bar being drunk, begun stripping my clothes off in some bizarre dance sequence that involves poles and scantily clad women who are very poor candidates for lifelong partners.

2. Lots of explanations and justifications. However, they must not adhere to logic. Eg: Margaret Thatcher and I may not be human... Yet, just as I was entertaining the possibility that I would become a female Prime Minister, get backstabbed... (How does sharing a similarity with a female Prime Minister result in me becoming one?)

3. Contain references that only you can understand. Eg: It was rather obvious that these feelings of unhappiness have mutated into a desire for war on Earth and ill will to all mankind.

4. Referencing obscure references through the use of links. Eg: I was told by some section of an online forum that I need to mingle with more people.

5. Repetition. Eg: My thoughts turned to whether they were given a fuel allowance to tide the cold of the winter. My thoughts also turned to whether their homes have central heating in the first place.

6. Colourful and bright fonts. Eg: DON'T THINK THAT THE YEAR END FESTIVITIES ARE ALL THAT GOOD.

7. Random tone shifts that confuse the poor reader. Eg: They were nonetheless happy, even though they risk sending themselves to the gates of Hades by doing it at such an advanced age. Yet, more importantly, I am not happy.

8. Crazed rambling made possible through feelings of anger and frustration that makes one prone to complaining. Eg: PRETTY MUCH WHATEVER I WRITE!

ED: May add a few more.

I love this, you should add it to your cesspit. Perhaps I will write a parody of your works some day.

It already is in the Cesspit. However, there is always something that I missed out. I have thought of two more and it is in the edited post! Feel free to add on. In fact, you can write an analysis of how I write in you are feeling lazy.

Such tragedy! And I thought my stuff was always rather sad, but this is just something else. Three deaths conveyed in less than 2k words, and I feel the pain behind each and every one of them.

Just when you think the baby's death was enough, you learn of the wife's death. I cannot even fathom the pain Michael might have been going through. Jeff's efforts to comfort his friend are painstakingly meaningless. As a reader, knowing the inevitable conclusion that would soon follow, it hurts to see Jeff try.

I think it reads really well, especially for what you consider to be a rough draft. I enjoyed it... even if it made my lose the light in my eyes momentarily during my lunch break.

Also, thanks for judging!

Well, thanks for reading!

Yeah, John may have tried, but his efforts were surely worse then meaningless, unfortunately. From Michael's response, it may have been the reason that pushed him over the edge. One should be careful with their words, as they can move mountains. I guess that's where I was going with this.

Sorry to ruin your lunch.