Winter Writing Contest Wrap-up: Campaigning and Mudslinging

leonard267 · 2014-01-01T14:11:35-01:00

Before any election takes place, groups of people go around spending billions of dollars on silly parades and shows that feature almost everything under the sun, except giving good reasons why these groups of people ought to be elected. I've heard that this is called 'campaigning'. I have done a bit of research into those so-called campaigns and I have also discovered that most if not all election campaigns involve quite a lot of 'mudslinging', where little to no effort is spared lampooning the opponents, whilst little to no effort is put in into explaining why they ought to be elected, a point that ought to be repeated again and again and again. Since this is a world-recognised norm, I see every reason to replicate that in this thread. I will go around posting less-than-complimentary rewrites of their entries (with their permission of course) and end off unlike most campaigns, describing my entry in the most glowing and exaggerated terms to convince the judges that in all likelihood, my entry would be placed the last. (Never mind that I would have to suffer GroverCleveland's pictures of decomposing bodies...) Parodies of the contest entries will be posted here and in the entries themselves. All of them will end up in Leonard267's Cesspit eventually. This is where all fecal matter goes to _____________________________________ 1. Parody of Livided's Entry --- Make Xenon Cold and Whack Him With Non-Existent Gauntlets Livided, you are my first victim in this little mudslinging campaign of mine. Any entry that contains actual references to real people must be exploited and milked. So your entry inspired me to pen the following which is a story that definitely has Xenon in it and has me in it. If high_time minds how he is portrayed in this parody, raucous laughter would erupt from my vocal chords: Spoiler:This story is not unlike the great Nordic sagas where great deeds are done, evil is banished and good triumphs at the very end. Ignoring the fact that the ending of this story is spoiled already, this story would guarantee to attract eyeballs and garner the interest of many a reader because I said so. It takes place at a place that transcends space and at a time that transcends time. The actors in this great theatre of space and time transcend both space and time. Dear readers, the hero of this story was noble for he was a noble gas. His name is Xenon, one hundred and thirty one was his molecular mass. He is noble for he is not flammable, immune to leonard267's flaming. He is noble for he is not reactive, resistant to chemical bonding. Now the author of this poem is fed up with rhymes. So he is going to write in normal prose and stuff your orifices with limes. If one were to look past the appalling threats made in the last two lines of that poem, one would indeed marvel at Xenon's qualities. He is not reactive, not flammable, utterly expensive and rare thus useless if you were to ask your chemist. Yet, there is a cloud in every silver lining. All of these qualities are psychopath bait. Already after the reader reads this line, trouble is looming in the horizon for that noblest of gases. The evil leonard267, having learnt chemistry in high school wanted to make Xenon the very opposite of what he is: Flammable, reactive, rather obnoxious but still utterly expensive thus useless. Who was he and what were his origins? Accounts differ wildly. Some say that he is the 267th incarnation of some demon called Leonard. This demon plagues this earth by whining and moaning. Upon discovering that no one wanted to listen to him, he decided to put his whining and moaning into writing. He forced people to read his entries, threatening the pain of utter online harassment should they refuse. What a terrible demon! Some say that he belongs to the Order of Leonards which was 267 strong. They, sharing the namesake of that demon, specialise in whining, moaning, harassment and lowering the quality of literature in this very plane of existence. The 267th Leonard, was aptly named leonard267 went mad one day and forced 265 Leonards to give up their names. The 266th Leonard decided to adopt a surname instead and was now known to the world as Leonard Nimoy, a mediocre B-movie actor. Some say that his name is generated by a Neopets username generator. As to why he chose to use that username of a game that boasts 50 million accounts all of which is generated by one person as his persona is way beyond the realm of comprehension. His plan to subvert the very nature of Xenon must be very diabolical indeed if one has to spend 3 paragraphs to describe him in contrast to a William McGonagall-esque poem and a redundant paragraph for Xenon's introduction. And diabolical indeed it was because he had to rope in another villain, equalling leonard267's capacity for evil and mischief, to see that the evil deed was done. That villain goes by many names but the most used name of all was high_time which is obviously an abbreviation of the phrase, "high all of the time". Now, it is hard to say whether he is a frequent abuser of mind altering chemicals or whether his grasp on his mental faculties was as weak as that of leonard267. What was surer though, is his ability to blight the world with great evil by describing in graphic detail hermaphrodites and their out of place genitals and their bone-chilling romps. Their ploy against Xenon was as such. They intend to throw Xenon into a special freezer that lowers the temperature of its contents to dozens of degrees below the melting point of ice. In that freezer, they would have to put in tremendous pressure on him and that meant forcing him to listen to their awful readings of poorly written writing contest entries whilst judging them. What was to be gained through all that fuss? The answer lies in making Xenon a volatile liquid. As every layman knows, a volatile person is a reactive and mercurial one. This is much more fun than Xenon, the noble gas, noble but inert. They hired some mercenaries to ambush Xenon in some tavern but they all succumbed to Xenon's powerful powers that involves flames and claws and spheres of light and other physically impossible and implausible manifestations that originate from the mind of the creators of children cartoons. leonard267 and high_time knew that they had to act fast. Punching a very conveniently located switch that was placed the entrance of the tavern that was very conveniently not accidentally pressed by many a patron of that tavern, the tavern transformed into that terrible freezer which subjects its contents to temperatures dozens of degrees below the melting point of ice. Xenon, knowing that he is trapped and cornered and somehow aware of the presence of leonard267 and high_time cried, "Leonard and High, I know my end in nigh. I have a request That I hope you acquiesce. I have nothing but love and friendship for you Why attempt to turn me into goo?" leonard267 replied in the vein of the great Edmund Hilary who said that he climbed Mount Everest because it is there and in the vein of many an evil person who committed evil deeds because it can be done, "Oh! I did that because it was fun!" As the temperature fell and Xenon felt not well, leonard267 and high_time started mounting pressure on Xenon by reading aloud a certain contest entry. The nature of that reading was so terrible and vile, it can't be replicated here, all neat and well. Readers, you will have to deal with links: https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-contest-entry-2013-an-analysis http://vocaroo.com/i/s1zN4KoRmWzt http://vocaroo.com/i/s1V94ijuG2AI As soon as those terrible sounds reverberated throughout that fell enclosure, the pressure within it immense, poor old Xenon began to condense. It appeared that evil was the victor and all of us felt sicker. Triumphant and exhilarated, high_time and leonard267 embraced each other in joy and entered the freezer to bask in their victory. high_time roared with glee, "We have made Xenon a volatile liquid. Surely he will be easier to tease!" leonard267 cackled with delight. A reactive, feisty and frivolous Xenon was created, so they thought. He would join their ranks and cover the entire world in darkness and despair, so they thought. But any competent student of chemistry should know that volatile liquids are liquids that evaporate easily. It is not going to be reactive or flammable. It would just return to the gaseous state it was before! What happened in the very end of this story which is filled with awkward lines that rhymed and even more awkward transitions to lines that don't rhyme? Xenon went back to what he was before, an inert but noblest of gases. While leonard267 and high_time perished in the extreme cold of that enclosure with burst eardrums, having succumbed to their awful readings of that lousy contest entry. Evil failed and good prevailed. Yet, what is the moral of the story? [size=28]SHOULD YOU NOT WANT TO DIE, KNOW YOUR BLOODY CHEMISTRY![/h] Original Entry: Livided submitted Cold, fire and gauntlets 2. Parody of FGRaptor's Entry: "I Really Regret That, I Won't Do It Again I Promise!" When I realised that your entry was about demon slaying and the use of foreign and dead languages, I already had an idea of how my parody would begin, develop and end. Here it is: Spoiler: This tale is set in a world where good things are caused by welcome visitations of angels and bad things are caused by not-so-welcome visitations by demons. Should the reader want a proper description of what angels and demons are and how they look like, let him think of the almost extinct good Samaritan that he will never meet and that bloody bugger responsible for the bad things in his life that he will almost always meet. Angels are extremely hard to find or locate, while every now and then a demon gets burnt on a stake. Their powers are incantations, singing, reading, prayer, chanting and other ear-jarring vibrations originating from the larynx. Unlike the real world though, the sounds made by these supernatural creatures were the source of their power. Good things happen when an angel talks. Bad things happen when a demon squawks. Come to think of it, this world is no different from how our ancestors thought our world functioned. In such a world, expect technology to be backward, mortality rates to be high, superstition to be rife, plenty of incentive for procreation, huge disincentives for innovation, and other things that made living half a millennium ago a living nightmare. Indeed, this story takes place in that liveliest of towns and a reputable centre of commerce which would be viewed today as a collection of hovels with no electricity, no sanitation and no life. The blacksmiths, the merchants, the paupers, the slave drivers, the slaves, the professional murderers (also known as mercenaries) are all happy and content making an honest living, something that the urbanite of our time and place would find rather horrifying. However, their peace was to be disturbed and their way of life disrupted. Leonard the demon had his sights on that town. What struck dread into the hearts of these honest and down to earth bumpkins in that town was not Leonard's prowess to level cities and summon storms but his ability to strike fear and madness through his constant whining and moaning, his horrible voice and his ability to destroy and denigrate great works of culture like prose, prose and more prose. A force of arms was no use, attempting to burn him on a stake was no use for his weapon was his voice and the written word. One glance of the words he had written, one moment of listening to his fell voice would render any living being grovelling on the ground crying with their ears and eyes bleeding crying, "Mercy! Mercy!" So, it was no surprise that nary a soul was outdoors when the demon Leonard arrived at the townsquare. Doors were locked, windows were closed, medieval and ineffective soundproofing devices like dried droppings and bird saliva lined the buildings. Every attempt to block light into entering the retinas of those townsfolk were made. However, Leonard the demon had a very loud voice and his ability to threaten and harass the townsfolk with it was unparalleled in that mortal plane of existence. Slowly but surely, the townsfolk came streaming into the townsquare in a trance. That was when the evil Leonard made his move. He summoned a patch of grass and two familiars, one thin, the other fat, both very ugly. Sinister music begun to play out of thin air. It sounded like some plucked instrument, played very furiously. The music looped and looped and looped without end. Anyone who heard it suddenly realised that they were backward country bumpkins and their hearts sank. To make matters worse, the two familiars begun squawking. What proceeded was so terrible that only a video recreating that scene could do it justice: Everyone who heard and saw that disgusting and fell performance begun foaming in the mouth, their grasp on their faculties of reason severely compromised. No one could sit through that entire performance! Such was the power of their fell incantations! As the music ceased and the chanting stopped, the demon conjured and unfurled a large banner, spanning several feet that contained the following lithographs: Do NOT create any threads in any other language other than English - [Update by Gambler] In addition, please refrain from posting in languages apart from English. This instruction can be found in the following link: https://www.fakku.net/forums/feedback-suggestions-and-support/rules-and-faq All of a sudden and in a flash, the angel swung the Banhammer as hard as he could in the direction of Leonard the demon. After a while, nothing but smoke and ashes remained on the spot where the demon stood. It was that his last words were, "I really regret that, I won't do it again I promise!" There was utter jubilation! Everyone who was afflicted from the demon's evil recovered on the spot. Parties, revelry and festivals begun, lasting for seven and seven nights. The anniversary of the day where Leonard the demon fell was commemorated for ages to come. Truly, this is a story where good triumphs and evil fails but what is the moral of the story? DO A PROPER AUTOPSY, DAMMIT! THAT WAS BLOODY AWFUL; SEEING THEM DO THAT IS BLOODY AWFUL! MY EYES! Original Entry: HumbugsAssociate submitted Grampa Roberts Funeral ___________________________________________________________ 5. Non-parody of Mibuchiha's Entry : An Exposition Giving a Piece of My Mind Mibuchiha, you may regret asking me to tell you what Norwegian Wood is about because I decided to write a review of the story in my style which is rather difficult to appreciate. If you don't want to read the book thoroughly and favour a synopsis, here is the Wikipedia link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norwegian_Wood_(novel) Here is the e-copy of the novel itself. Not sure when it will be taken down: http://www.macobo.com/essays/epdf/Haruki%20Murakami%20-%20Norwegian%20Wood.pdf The translator did a good job. It is very easy to read perhaps because of the first person perspective and the simple language used. I deem a well written article to be one that can be browsed through at 2000 words a minute. This is one example. Now should you proceed further, feel free to make withering remarks about my review of Norwegian Wood: Spoiler: Norwegian Wood was set in the 1960s, a bizarre era where (almost) everyone took leave of their senses and decided to complete the ruin and devastation the Second War wrought by bringing about social and cultural ruin. Established traditions and views on fidelity and modesty were driven to the ground to be spat on. Nearly all of my short life I came to wrongly associate these so-called value systems that replaced these time-honoured traditions as "Western values". I know better now. It did not affect my part of the world but it sure did affect the West and that Asian anomaly of a country that thinks it is part of the West called Japan. Personally, I feel sorry for their descendants who had to suffer the consequences of the excesses of the sixties. Call this expression of disgust a pointless digression if one wills. However, this airing of opinions serves as explanation of my biases towards Norwegian Wood and the background of this story. Now, allow me to complain about it: The title is of course derived from that song from that band from that era. The protagonist Tarou Watanabe Toru (Surnames come before the name in this part of the world. I personally don't endorse the silly drive to adopt Western naming conventions that followed the Meiji Restoration.) begins recounting his wasted life as a wasted wastrel in what can be called a wasteland of a country called Japan in the late 1960s that then specialises in the manufacture of less than quality products and cars that break down before one can finish singing, "So I lit a fire. Isn't it good that I burnt down some Norwegian wood?" What followed was a (morose and dare I say whiny?) recollection of a series of ghastly activities like engaging in copulation at an age when I was doing things more worthy of pursuit, like receiving a proper education and deciding that that age is a good age to kick the bucket as a nod to more primitive times a hundred thousand years ago when the lifespan of a human being was no more than twenty years. That I feel serves as the best summary of the entire book. Yet, what is a book review without going in to what actually happened other than the rather vague assertion that the entire book is about inserting one's appendage into any orifice imaginable and killing oneself after that is done? Here are a few examples that I will try to list in a chronological fashion: 1a) Story begins with Tarou Toru and two very close friends, Kizuki whose genitals hang out of the body and Naoko whose genitals do not. 1b) Tarou Toru wants to mate with Naoko. Naoko wants to mate with Kizuki. 1c) Kizuki killed himself. Naoko also wants to kill herself after learning that Kizuki killed himself. For your information, Naoko's sister killed as herself as well. 1d) Tarou Toru had a girlfriend during that time. He fooled around with her then dumped her after Kizuki killed himself. The reason for doing so? He is an emotional wreck with no sense of fidelity of responsibility and so can't give a good reason why he wanted to break up with her. He enjoyed his solitude more. He preferred to be single. 2a) Fast forward to college where both Tarou Toru and Naoko, who on reflection ought to have killed themselves by now, were taking drama and literature. 2b) Turns out Naoko wanted to kill herself after all (after doing it with Tarou Toru) so she sent herself to an asylum a sanatorium which was run by a MILF the Moro Islamic Liberation Front an attractive and mature lady called Reiko. More on her later. 2c) Made friends with prone-to-catching-sexually-transmitted-diseases philanderer Nagasawa. He had a girlfriend called Hatsumi who must be suffering the psychological equivalent of a Battered Woman Syndrome. Tarou Toru and Nagasawa had the disturbing habit of picking up women together and doing it so frequently that one wonders if their manhoods have not dropped off in the process. 2d) Shared a room with possibly the only person that I liked in the story called the Stormtrooper. Obsessed about cleanliness, has a Golden Gate Bridge fetish (a fetish that I can fully sympathise with being in construction), styles his hair properly and looks as if he ought to be staying home with his parents, he is refreshing break from the depressing ruminations of sex and suicide. 2e) Acquainted (then fell in love) with what would become a loud, obnoxious and annoying love toy of a humanoid called Midori. If she were one of those Japanese silicon robots with artificial intelligence that are obviously the love toys of the future, I would gladly buy it as a punching bag. The euphemistic terms used to describe people like her could range from ebullient to jocular to easy going. I prefer to use more direct words like ill-bred and promiscuous. 3a) Climax of the story involves everyone disappearing or killing themselves and more attempts at procreation! Hooray! 3b) Naoko killed herself over God knows what. That male slut Nasagawa's girlfriend, Hatsumi, killed herself over God knows what. The Stormtrooper disappeared without a trace but going by the patterns and trends established by what is written so far it is plausible to say that he also killed himself over God knows what. And I wish Midori can kill herself over God knows what. That didn't happen though. 3c) More sticking of Tarou Toru's appendages to the least expected of orifices! Sad and traumatised that your emotional wreck of your childhood friend committed suicide? Go on a pilgrimage with no destination for a few months then **** your new girlfriend and **** the a MILF the Moro Islamic Liberation Front an attractive and mature lady called Reiko who took care of your recently deceased childhood friend! 3d) What happened towards the end of the story could one of the most self-incriminating and infuriating monologues I have ever heard. Apparently Tarou Toru is regretting sleeping around. Of course, he is not as mopey and suicidal as Naoko so he goes about fooling about with Reiko anyway. Speaking of Reiko... 3e) Reiko has a nut loose in her skull like Naoko it seems. She claims that she is sexually assaulted by a thirteen year old female adolescent. To that my response is sceptical and raucous laughter best written in capitalised and bold fonts: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 3f) It looks as if Tarou Toru ended up with Midori in the end. The end of story however was an abrupt and inconclusive question, namely, "Where are you?" How on earth does this connect to that scene at the very beginning of the story where the author is on a plane to West Germany? I can answer that inconclusive question though. It feels as if I am no longer on the mortal plane, having been transported to the netherworld filled with nether regions. The elephant in the room I feel as I conclude my review of Norwegian Wood is, why is it named thus? I don't think there were many forests mentioned in the novel, less so Norwegian ones. I don't recall the story mentioning blocks of wood (which was what the original song meant by wood) in that story though I am convinced that most of the cast in that story are blockheads and deserved to be clubbed by blocks of wood. One may point to the fact that that emotional wreck Naoko was sensitive to that song and entertained suicidal thoughts upon hearing it. Let me reproduce the song for you: I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me... She showed me her room, isn't it good, Norwegian wood? She asked me to stay and she told me to sit anywhere, So I looked around and I noticed there wasn't a chair. I sat on a rug, biding my time, drinking her wine We talked until two and then she said, "It's time for bed" She told me she worked in the morning and started to laugh. I told her I didn't and crawled off to sleep in the bath And when I awoke, I was alone, this bird had flown So I lit a fire, isn't it good, Norwegian wood. It is painfully obvious that this song is about a one-night stand. The fact that Naoko feels suicidal about it is a very compelling reason why she should remain in that asylum sanatorium! However, I am of the opinion that wood in the context of this story ought to the sexual innuendo for some part of the male's body. I am not sure about the constitution or the virility of Norwegian males though but I am sure it should be quite impressive given the number of times our dear hero Tarou Toru fooled around, behaving irresponsibly and hedonistically with no thought about the consequences. Coupled that with the fascination of suicide and I find myself asking this question to the protagonist of this story and all those who engaged in that disgusting act of killing themselves: How can you justify whatever you have done with vague, unclear and poorly communicated thoughts about your feelings? I say it is much honest to admit that you have poor judgement, poor emotional resilience, you are enslaved to your carnal desires and could do with proper help. My parents who are of their generation would have never dared to do what these bunch of clowns portrayed in that novel had done and would have despised those who did so. I believe, in a very self-righteous and arrogant fashion, that I, who was born towards the end of the 20th century, never had those 'angsty' and emotionally unsure moments experienced by Tarou Toru and company. Oh yes, I should sign off with a moral of the story, shouldn't I: CRAWLING IN MY SKIN THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEAL FEAR IS HOW I FALL CONFUSING WHAT IS REAL When I finally came to her grave, I totally forgotten what I should be doing. Everything was lost in my singing, poetry, and compilation of short prose. For the long ones, just remember to buy my book at amazon.com. This is the end of my most emotional commercial ever. Original Entry: xninebreaker submitted Lost Warmth __________________________________________ 10. Parody of leonard267's entry: Another Analysis! I have stated quite clearly that the Campaigning and Mudslinging thread would differ from other elections in the sense that it would give reasons on why my most excellent entry for the competition ought to be voted for. Indeed I should do so in a few sentences. Spoiler:It is work of art produced by one of the self-proclaimed finest minds on this site, encyclopedic his knowledge in making people blanch with his writing. He has a vision for the standards of writing on this pornographic website and the effort he put into lowering the standards of writing in this esteemed section is immeasurable. No other work equals that of leonard267's in megalomaniacal and narcissistic tendencies, the inability to present plot and detail in a logical fashion, the astounding capacity to churn out the nonsensical and the absurd, the stridency displayed in making mountains out of molehills and splitting hairs and the divide in opinion amongst those who with a sense of humour and those who don't. We have the messiah incarnate in our midst! Shouldn't we as mere mortals do our very best to ensure that his work and legacy endure the ravages of time? Here is a list of pointers inspired from analyses of His great work on how to write like Him: How to Write Like Leonard267 1. Be utterly verbose. Use overly long sentences that string together many ideas at once. Never mind that the end product is difficult to read. Eg: However, the drunk people in the bar being drunk, begun stripping my clothes off in some bizarre dance sequence that involves poles and scantily clad women who are very poor candidates for lifelong partners. 2. Lots of explanations and justifications. However, they must not adhere to logic. Eg: Margaret Thatcher and I may not be human... Yet, just as I was entertaining the possibility that I would become a female Prime Minister, get backstabbed... (How does sharing a similarity with a female Prime Minister result in me becoming one?) 3. Contain references that only you can understand. Eg: It was rather obvious that these feelings of unhappiness have mutated into a desire for war on Earth and ill will to all mankind. 4. Referencing obscure references through the use of links. Eg: I was told by some section of an online forum that I need to mingle with more people. 5. Repetition. Eg: My thoughts turned to whether they were given a fuel allowance to tide the cold of the winter. My thoughts also turned to whether their homes have central heating in the first place. 6. Colourful and bright fonts. Eg: DON'T THINK THAT THE YEAR END FESTIVITIES ARE ALL THAT GOOD. 7. Random tone shifts that confuse the poor reader. Eg: They were nonetheless happy, even though they risk sending themselves to the gates of Hades by doing it at such an advanced age. Yet, more importantly, I am not happy. 8. Be annoyingly self aware. Eg: Here are some responses to the people who read what I have written: Some Person wrote...And again, as usual with your works, I found it to be whiny. Some Other Person wrote...You sound whiny. Here is what I have written: Those people who had to suffer what I had written about the summer, which was described as a meandering and whiny weblog entry by someone who had the misfortune to go through it. 9. Tease the reader with some semblance of logic, tease the reader with some expectations only to write something utterly ludicrous as a punchline. Eg: I am known in this corner of cyberspace as leonard267. I am young, impressionable, optimistic, full of youthful vigour and I am lying. 10. Crazed rambling made possible through feelings of anger and frustration that makes one prone to complaining. Eg: PRETTY MUCH WHATEVER I WRITE! Original Entry: leonard267 submitted An Analysis _________________________________________________ 11. Parody of xninebreaker's entry: The Aristocrat, The Peasant and the City / Out Xnining Xninebreaker Personally, I prefer calling it Out Xnining Xninebreaker! This parody is another one of those long and dreary stories about people blowing each other up for long and sustained periods of time. However I am sure that what is described in this story cannot be any worse than having to read it! Spoiler:The Ruined City, so called by many a person, stretched ever more across the horizon as David, a scion of a powerful line of politicians, establishment figures and warlords, was brought nearer to that city by an extremely noisy military transport accompanied with his soldier comrades. David's destination was long ago a gleaming metropolis and a great centre of trade and commerce that was regrettably brought to its knees by being one of the first victims of a long, bloody and devastating civil war. That city fell into the clutches of many a warlord who lost hold as soon as they gained control with another round of plunder, pillage and rape for each change of hands. After many self-styled conquerors foisted their names onto that city in a display of disgusting egocentricity, the city was given that awful moniker, The Ruined City, by the man on the street to avoid confusion among her many names and perhaps to dissociate it from what it once was. By the time the city fell under the control of David's family, the Ruined City was no more than a collection of ugly monoliths made of bones of steel, bodies of concrete and skins of glass. It must have struck those who took as much as a glance at the city to realise the destruction that terrible war wrought on life, property and much more. Indeed, it made those whose hearts were not hardened by the war feel as if their victory was a Pyrrhic and a hollow one. Even David, who was no stranger to war felt his spirits slowly sink as he got nearer to the city with each passing second. He would rather be placed on missions that would bring him his family closer to wresting control over the whole country never mind that the civil war is drawing to a close in his family's favour. Under normal circumstances, he would have resisted taking part in what he unfairly thought as an empty charade of boosting morale and placating a handful of civilians in the Ruined City. As it was, David's reasons for heading to the Ruined City were much closer to the heart. He was looking for an Elizabeth, a woman whom he held at very high esteem. Be it may that she was an unsightly woman with her freckled, dark beige complexion, her thick and closely knitted eyebrows crowning her eyes, her stubby and flat nose and her short, sturdy almost masculine figure, David found her a charismatic, resilient and above all a competent soldier, a person as worthy as the best officers his family sent to the pride, pomp and circumstance of that war. Their first encounter with each other was barely romantic. Indeed, neither of them would ever admit to having anything resembling a romantic relationship with each other. There were no pleasant sights, no pleasant smells and the atmosphere was far from pleasant when they first met in the gruesome military training grounds ran by David's family. David, that modern aristocratic officer was teamed with the far from modern and not-so-aristocratic Elizabeth. There were very noticeable differences between them, be it of class, personality, outlook in life and so on. David believed that Elizabeth, like so many of his comrades at arms, was from a family of peasants who lived from hand to mouth, doomed to be farmers, labourers or soldiers. David could only guess that her personality and her astounding ability at rabble rousing and leadership must be honed at the fields. Many a time, he imagined Elizabeth leading a few others, perhaps younger relatives, to till the fields. She looked every inch a person who toiled under the sun and she had a deep knowledge of plants and insects, all characteristic of a farmer. David observed that she knew little beyond agricultural techniques, weapon use and assembly and the art of persuasion but demonstrated remarkable physical and mental resilience. These too must be a result of the hard work she had to go through as a farmer and the social stigma she bore due to her lowly status. Whether Elizabeth could tell what kind of upbringing he had had as a member of what would be the most powerful family that ruled the country, David did not know for sure. However, Elizabeth displayed surprising sensitivity that was quite uncharacteristic of her at the very occasional mention of his years as a child. The annals of history portray princelings like David either as being pampered and spoilt or thrown in at the deep end of the pool. It was painfully apparent that David was the latter. He was brought up in a spartan lifestyle with his stern mother, one of many of his father's concubines, as his companion and was deprived of the luxuries his family could well afford. Under the guidance of his mother, he was taught to love and fear his father, an unquestioning loyalty towards his family and country was inculcated in him, he was given the best education possible, he had to manage his own affairs with little to no help and he learnt how to conceal his emotions through the coaxing, chiding and the occasional beating. He barely had any contact with his father but it was under his orders that he was inducted into his private army when he became a teenager first as a lowly recruit and who rose to the rank of a junior officer within a few short but trying years. Their formative experiences in their youth must have shaped their personalities that were as different night and day. Elizabeth was an ebullient extrovert while David was silent and inscrutable. Elizabeth was more concerned and more comfortable with tasks at hand while David cared more and preferred setting out long term objectives. Yet, they were brought together to handle the most challenging of tasks, be it the execution of tactical manoeuvres, the transport of military supplies, the operation of heavy weapons all the while operating in the most demanding of environments. Instead of allowing their differences to become obstacles to working together, they complemented each other's strengths and made up for each other's weaknesses. It was no surprise that the company that they led together did well in many of the military operations they undertook. As the years passed and the country slipped inexorably into chaos, David gained prominence in his family's armed forces and enjoyed a meteoric rise through the ranks. With that came a few inconveniences. There was a lot of gossip by many a green-eyed soldier that his rise could only be possible due to his family ties, a point that David himself admitted to be true. He had to handle yet more responsibilities under the backdrop of an impending war that could range from mobilising troops to the bizarre attempts at getting a man of war like himself to engage in diplomatic overtures to possible allies and potential enemies. What bothered him the most is that Elizabeth, together with a few others that worked with him, were not recognised for their contributions to his family's army despite their supposed commitment to reward its soldiers based on merit. David knew the reason to be class prejudice. Yet, being indoctrinated since young to think for his family and enterprise, he saw it as a problem that needed to be addressed. He recommended a few reforms to his father like the way rewards were issued, punishments were awarded and for more weight to be given to recommendations and testimonies for soldiers on the ground. He recommended a few persons for promotion and a handful of sergeants to be promoted into officers, Elizabeth being one of their number. When the letters and memoranda he sent containing those recommendations went unanswered, he sent them once more with the words changed but the proposals not. By the third and failed attempt in doing so, David decided to take matters into his own hands. What David decided to undertake was on the verge of mutinous behaviour, quite alike knighting a few officers without approval from the monarch. While he did not openly commission Elizabeth and company as officers, they were given responsibilities that only officers can assume and with a salary commensurate with those responsibilities. Most interestingly and quite unexpected of David, he chose a very peculiar but strange way to pile pressure on those who ran his family's army to give in to his demands for reform. He hinted to his father in a letter that intended to marry Elizabeth. When Elizabeth first heard of this proposal, she gave a hearty guffaw. Was it not ludicrous that an aristocrat would want to have a peasant not as a mistress, not as a concubine but as partner and wife? David remembered that he gave a rare and faint smile upon seeing Elizabeth's reaction. That marriage proposal was a thinly veiled threat that took advantage of his family's prejudices shaped by society and culture. Would his family's good name be put to question if that proposed marriage were to take place? His father as expected objected and offered a qui pro quo that David wanted which was a concession on military reforms and the promotion of Elizabeth and a few others as officers. David's ruse was largely successful but he did feel a tinge of regret that his father objected to his proposal of marriage to Elizabeth. She had all the values his family valued in their wives namely tenacity, discipline, sense of responsibility, competence and above all, loyalty. David almost enjoyed work with Elizabeth covering him and pointing out things that he could have otherwise overlooked. Perhaps most of all, she was a natural host notwithstanding her less than attractive appearance and made good company. Against the backdrop of military promotions and a failed marriage proposal, the central government finally collapsed in a violent military coup sparking a mad scramble by opportunistic warlords over large swathes of land. The implementation of the military reforms David suggested was timely in preparing troops for battle as the skirmishes became large scale sieges with many cities, the Ruined City included, falling victim. It took an armed strike against David's family to serve as a pretext for them to take action. Finally, troops were mobilised, supply lines were established, men were armed and battle plans were drawn. Operating from their base in hilly and rather inaccessible terrain located in the far west of the country, David's family managed to sweep through neighbouring regions with relative ease. Although their triumphs in the battlefield doubtlessly serve as a powerful boost to morale, both David and Elizabeth both knew that a long and protracted war lay ahead in the plains east of the country where troop movement is less inhibited by terrain constraints and cities and other targets while easy to seize were even more easier to lose. Their gains on the battlefield appeared to be thrown into doubt as they vied for control of the once affluent cities of the East. War comrades, some of them close to both David and Elizabeth perished while many others were maimed in ferocious battle. Yet, the fighting spirit of David's family never seemed to waver be it due to the lust of reward or fear of punishment courtesy of David's military reforms or Elizabeth's near miraculous ability to raise the spirits of many a soldier. The mutual admiration between David and Elizabeth grew ever the more stronger in the face of the ever increasing challenges of war. Every now and then, David contemplated marriage with Elizabeth should all go well. Alas, it could have come into fruition if not for the fateful siege of the Ruined City. The Ruined City was not dissimilar to the cities east of the country being easy to seize and yet easier to lose. Unlike the other cities, it had both strategic and symbolic value that made many an army face their demise by spending too much blood and treasure maintaining their grip on the city as they became targets for bloodthirsty and envious rivals. David's family however was determined that they would keep the city firmly in its grasp. Like the many warlords before them who occupied the city then perished, David's family believed that taking over this city would pave their way for total domination of the country. Unlike their failed and vanquished rivals, David's family knew that in order to secure the Ruined City, they must bar their rivals access to the Ruined City by controlling the many roads and paths that lead to it. That meant the need to spread their forces to surround the city. In order for that strategy to be effective however, a unit had to serve to divert attention from the attempt to surround the city. That would be done by sending a unit to mount a risky and near suicidal attack the city. The execution of this strategy became the excuse for David and Elizabeth to part ways. They would not be leading units to take down targets together, instead they would be operating separately. Both David and Elizabeth accepted and agreed with the strategy without complaint. However, there was an unexpected commotion about who would lead the troops to stage that attack on the Ruined City. It served as one of moments in David's life he would wish to forget but never would. It started when two officers volunteered to lead the unit to stage that daring attack. Few of those who were present when the two expressed their wish to brave death attempting to take the Ruined City were unmoved for they were awed for their accomplishments in the battlefield and their unmatched courage. Yet, the two officers who volunteered themselves were both shock and dismayed that the other should want to undertake such a dangerous task. Indeed, the two officers in question were David and Elizabeth. In a very rare outburst, David raised his voice with his cool and gravitas almost giving way. He asked why it was deemed fit for a woman and a person of such lowly status to undertake so important a task. The retort came unexpectedly from Elizabeth who then insinuated that it was brash and irresponsible to send an officer of such importance and lineage to die in a diversionary attack. With uncharacteristic sarcasm and dryness in her voice almost reminiscent of David's demeanour, she questioned David's ability to rouse his men to lay down their lives for him and his family. Elizabeth's words removed whatever inhibition David had that kept his emotions in check. As soon as she uttered those words, David lunged at her with an animalistic yell, with no other thought in his mind except for a powerful urge to manhandle her. Before he could lay his hands on Elizabeth however, he was brutally restrained and removed from her presence. That was to be the last time David saw Elizabeth for he was punished by incarceration for behaving in such an unruly manner while the generals of David's family acceded to Elizabeth's request to stage an attack on the Ruined City. The strategy to take down the city was successful and it gave David's family the momentum and boost in morale so needed to establish themselves as the dominant power in the land. Nonetheless, it was not without cost. David knew enough of warfare to know that Elizabeth would have little chance of coming out of this attack in one piece. As soon as he was released from his imprisonment, he was offered the mission to return to the Ruined City which he accepted. So ends the account of the events leading to David's visit to the Ruined City to find Elizabeth and begins the account of what happened thereafter. David spent his time en route in the military transport thinking about himself, Elizabeth and the war despite the blaring noise of the engines before replaying the final unhappy moments with Elizabeth in his head again, again and again. He recalled his shock, grief and anger at Elizabeth's resolve to seek death at the Ruined City. Shocked he was as he did not expect Elizabeth to do so. Grieved he was as he did not want Elizabeth whom he so loved to do so. Angered he was as he believed Elizabeth ought not to do so. What were the reasons behind that decision? Despite putting in much thought, he could not find the answer to that question though it did occur to him that Elizabeth must have felt the same grief and shock when he too volunteered to be cannon fodder at the Ruined City. Would Elizabeth ever know that David made that decision out of loyalty and commitment to family and enterprise? Would she know that she angered David for usurping his role as a willing martyr for his family? Would she know that by doing so she would be taking away the life of the person David loved so much? David would love to know the answers to these questions. Silent David was as the military transport rolled into the Ruined City. If not for his companions in the transport reminding him that they have reached their destination, he could have sat there for much longer in deep thought. Their destination within the city was a clearing within the concrete forest of ruined towers with a boulevard of shrivelled and leafless trees that lead to a sanctuary that was of traditional architecture. In that sanctuary took place sacred rituals filled with religious and cultural significance. There the inhabitants of the Ruined City once offered prayers at important festivals marking the solstices, celebrated the birthdays of very young children and coming of age ceremonies, held grand but solemn weddings and equally grand and solemn funerals. The place was filled with a great sense of foreboding as it stank of death and visible were the scars of many years of war. David's face betrayed little to no emotion though many memories, thoughts and feelings must be swirling in his mind like powerful and invisible undercurrents. For it was within that sanctuary where David would find the person he was looking for, the beloved Elizabeth.

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high_time

10 years ago

leonard267 wrote...

Actually come to think of it, the same applies for almost every single parody with the possible exceptions of the book review and Dawn of Dark's parody.

well, I think if it at least could be entertaining, no need for it to make that much of sense.

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

10 years ago

10. Parody of leonard267's entry: Another Analysis!

I have stated quite clearly that the Campaigning and Mudslinging thread would differ from other elections in the sense that it would give reasons on why my most excellent entry for the competition ought to be voted for. Indeed I should do so in a few sentences.

It is work of art produced by one of the self-proclaimed finest minds on this site, encyclopedic was his knowledge in making people blanch with his writing. He has a vision for the standards of writing on this pornographic website and the effort he put into lowering the standards of writing in this esteemed section is immeasurable.

No other work equals that of leonard267's in megalomaniacal and narcissistic tendencies, the inability to present plot and detail in a logical fashion, the astounding capacity to churn out the nonsensical and the absurd, the stridency displayed in making mountains out of molehills and splitting hairs and the divide in opinion amongst those who with a sense of humour and those who don't.

We have the messiah incarnate in our midst! Shouldn't we as mere mortals do our very best to ensure that his work and legacy endure the ravages of time? Here is a list of pointers inspired from analyses of His great work on how to write like Him:

How to Write Like Leonard267

1. Be utterly verbose. Use overly long sentences that string together many ideas at once. Never mind that the end product is difficult to read. Eg: However, the drunk people in the bar being drunk, begun stripping my clothes off in some bizarre dance sequence that involves poles and scantily clad women who are very poor candidates for lifelong partners.

2. Lots of explanations and justifications. However, they must not adhere to logic. Eg: Margaret Thatcher and I may not be human... Yet, just as I was entertaining the possibility that I would become a female Prime Minister, get backstabbed... (How does sharing a similarity with a female Prime Minister result in me becoming one?)

3. Contain references that only you can understand. Eg: It was rather obvious that these feelings of unhappiness have mutated into a desire for war on Earth and ill will to all mankind.

4. Referencing obscure references through the use of links. Eg: I was told by some section of an online forum that I need to mingle with more people.

5. Repetition. Eg: My thoughts turned to whether they were given a fuel allowance to tide the cold of the winter. My thoughts also turned to whether their homes have central heating in the first place.

6. Colourful and bright fonts. Eg: DON'T THINK THAT THE YEAR END FESTIVITIES ARE ALL THAT GOOD.

7. Random tone shifts that confuse the poor reader. Eg: They were nonetheless happy, even though they risk sending themselves to the gates of Hades by doing it at such an advanced age. Yet, more importantly, I am not happy.

8. Crazed rambling made possible through feelings of anger and frustration that makes one prone to complaining. Eg: PRETTY MUCH WHATEVER I WRITE!

crazr

10 years ago

I have never been too into parodies, but as promised, I read your work! It took a little while to get through all of them, but I did it anyway! They're all quite well written and you do a good job at pointing out fallacies so it gave me a good chuckle. Keep up the good work! If you continue to make more, I give you permission to do away with my submissions, haha.

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

10 years ago

crazr wrote...

I have to commend you for having to put up with my writing! I have one more for you and it is terribly long at over five thousand words and much less readable (if that can even be possible) than the previous 10 entries. Others and myself have remarked on it and I agree with them that it is actually too short!

It is in the edited first post of the thread. It is technically a parody and definitely inspired by a contest entry. Should you want to read it, do take seriously my warnings about it being 'long and dreary'(also written in the first post).

The Logophile

10 years ago

On "Yes, It is a Funeral",

I thought that this was going to recount the tale of funeral crashers.

I liked the list and how it tied into thy other post. I will admit that I was a little surprised when I saw the word "eschatological" on my first reading. I had to recall exactly what it meant, although thou did a fine job in supplying the word with its meaning with the context of the next sentences.

Now before the list, I found this very interesting thing:

leonard267 wrote...

So boring and repetitive the speeches were, HumbugsAssociate made a checklist to entertain himself:

How is this interesting thou ask? Grammatically speaking, the bold spot is an example of an absolute phrase. From the grammar book that I regularly use, it isn't even mentioned. I only know of it by my Harbrace handbook, which only gives it a passing mention.

leonard267 wrote...

Who knew that man in the coffin had tastes for old women?

Everyone's got a fetish.

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

10 years ago

The Logophile wrote...

leonard267 wrote...

So boring and repetitive the speeches were, HumbugsAssociate made a checklist to entertain himself:

leonard267 wrote...

Who knew that man in the coffin had tastes for old women?

Everyone's got a fetish.

While both of us know the meaning of "eschatology", I am sure it wouldn't hurt for me to explain what it means to the person (if he or she exists in the first place) who is reading it.

Christian and Islamic eschatology posits that one day all of humanity would be subject to judgement. Needless to say, that day is known as "Judgement Day".

Buddhist eschatology surmises that the accumulation of bad deeds and thoughts (otherwise known as karma) would lead to never-ending disasters and eventual doomsday for all mankind.

The Confucians and Taoists, being Chinese, could not bother themselves with eschatology.

English grammar merits a study, so does Japanese grammar. I understand them to very complex and at times seemingly inconsistent. I'd hate to be tested that in an examination but it would make a good hobby where I can study them at my leisure. Thanks for introducing absolute phrases to me.

You may know that I am unable to come up with stories so I settle for making fun of existing material be they current affairs or anything else that I've heard or read.

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

8 years ago

ED: The Cesspit is drained and laid bare. I believe it was deleted by accident. However, the mudslinging continues never mind that the title of the thread is called the Winter Writing Contest Wrap-Up! Here is a parody of an entry for the Summer Writing Contest of 2016

1. Parody of Masayoshi's Entry - Blizzards During August

A friend told me that I am determined to make whatever I read into a comedy. Your entry is no different. A few ideas came into my mind as I read your entry about the plight of your character and what could have caused a snowstorm in the summer. This is the result:

Spoiler:

Original Entry: æ£ç¾© submitted Blizzards Before August

d(^_^)(^_^)d

8 years ago

Sup. Read your new thingy.

James was a man who is a product of his times. He is a bright and young bachelor, living by himself in a rather spacious apartment and is currently on a sabbatical of sorts to enrich himself with a university course. This is of course a tactful way of saying that he is living hand to mouth with no girlfriend let alone fiancée in a poorly maintained rented apartment after taking on huge amounts of debt to finance his studies at a university for a degree of questionable value in the job market.

He worked for a pittance in a part time job while managing schoolwork. However, since, he is unwilling or unable to set aside time for housekeeping, his home resembled something that one sees in a warzone with clothes carelessly strewn, papers littered all over the floor with the occasional vermin darting to and fro. It was not the best of circumstances but James managed to keep his sanity by ironically harbouring self-delusions of him leading the life of that object of adoration, the eligible and sought after bachelor. It was not desirable but he managed until that very fateful day in which the story will go into detail.

As I've said before in the past, I don't like this kind of opening. I like stories that dump me into them without prefacing them with info like this. I like to find out that info as the story progresses, not before it starts.

That said, I do like the idea embedded in these paragraphs. Here's this optimistic view of this guy's life, which while true, isn't very realistic. And now here's the shitty realistic version.

. . . seal populations will drop due to thinning ice encouraging polar bear predation . . .

I don't think it would work like that in real life, but I guess that's not the point.

Just as the first sound he heard was the reading of the news on the television, the first action he took that fateful day was an almighty yank of the power cable that connected the television to the power source.

Why would he unplug the TV rather than simply turn it off?

Second and rather damning for James, was that despite the amount of rent he had to pay, the heating appliances in his apartment weren't functioning. Third and perhaps most important of all, James, to be very polite, was not the proactive type who can brave snowfalls and think of ways to keep himself warm that do not involve electrical appliances.

This brings up a point I didn't think of with the original story. Why the shit didn't he just try turning on the heater? Was there no power?

Waiting for the cold snap to go away and for normal summer weather to return is not an option for him now seeing that it might last a few days if he is lucky or a several if he wasn't.

I think this part should be changed since you're telling us info that you just told us.

Toward the end of the story, I don't really like how you just give us lists of the info James finds. However, reading though them wasn't that bad. Because James isn't in the best of positions in life and I know he's bloody cold and wants to find out why, it makes me want to see him succeed at finding out why.

I do find it amusing how James is comforted by the information he digs up so he doesn't do anything and then proceeds to die.

I still don't like your writing style, but I didn't think this was that bad overall.

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

8 years ago

d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...

Sup. Read your new thingy.

As I've said before in the past, I don't like this kind of opening. I like stories that dump me into them without prefacing them with info like this. I like to find out that info as the story progresses, not before it starts.

I believe it is a matter of taste? I believe some people find it awkward. It certainly is if that is done in a movie but you are more than familiar with my take that the written word is a completely different medium because it cannot deliver audio and visual cues and so on.

There are classics that begin by introducing the characters and spelling out who they are. Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit certainly did that. I believe the Philosopher's Stone started by introducing Vernon Dursley right at the beginning. A Tale of Two Cities started by explaining the period it is set in. Romeo and Juliet started with a prologue that gave the whole story away!

I hope you won't mind me saying again that without this information, I would be completely lost. This is one of the major reasons why I don't take to what you write.

I don't think it would work like that in real life, but I guess that's not the point.

You might have noticed the satirical nature of this piece where I mock current affairs. There is some truth to it. Thinning ice makes it easier for polar bears to prey on seals. Seals also like thinning ice as it allows them to surface and take in air making them very vulnerable to polar bear predation. As to whether seal populations will drop, well, if you want to split hairs, then you are probably right.

Why would he unplug the TV rather than simply turn it off?

Because what he heard was 'bloody right wing propaganda'. I am curious here. Why are you asking these questions?! Shouldn't you be asking why the cold snap because of the cold wind coming from a warming Arctic? (Wouldn't it make sense if I wrote 'colder Arctic'?)

I think this part should be changed since you're telling us info that you just told us.

This will sound condescending but I treat my audience as if they are idiots. I am not doing it well enough though. A lot of people still say that they can't understand what I am writing about.

Toward the end of the story, I don't really like how you just give us lists of the info James finds. However, reading though them wasn't that bad. Because James isn't in the best of positions in life and I know he's bloody cold and wants to find out why, it makes me want to see him succeed at finding out why.

Why not I wonder? I like lists! It makes things easier to read! Why be complex when you can be simple?

d(^_^)(^_^)d

8 years ago

I believe it is a matter of taste?

Exactly why I said "I don't like" and "I like," not, "This is shit. Change it."

I believe some people find it awkward.

Perhaps, but when things are done the way you do them, some people find it boring.

There are classics that begin by introducing the characters and spelling out who they are. Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit certainly did that. I believe the Philosopher's Stone started by introducing Vernon Dursley right at the beginning. A Tale of Two Cities started by explaining the period it is set in. Romeo and Juliet started with a prologue that gave the whole story away!

I know. I'm not saying it's impossible to start a story by having it throw information at you and have it be successful.

I hope you won't mind me saying again that without this information, I would be completely lost. This is one of the major reasons why I don't take to what you write.

I don't mind at all.

There is some truth to it. Thinning ice makes it easier for polar bears to prey on seals. Seals also like thinning ice as it allows them to surface and take in air making them very vulnerable to polar bear predation.

Didn't know that. That's interesting.

Why are you asking these questions?! Shouldn't you be asking why the cold snap because of the cold wind coming from a warming Arctic? (Wouldn't it make sense if I wrote 'colder Arctic'?)

Because I saw some terms and my brain went "science mumbo jumbo!" and glanced over it. It's an excuse to have the weird weather driving the story. That's all I needed to know to continue. That said, it would be nice if it makes sense.

This will sound condescending but I treat my audience as if they are idiots. I am not doing it well enough though. A lot of people still say that they can't understand what I am writing about.

The problem with treating people like idiots is the ones who pick up on it will be instantly turned off. Not sure how people can't understand what you're writing about.

Why not I wonder? I like lists! It makes things easier to read! Why be complex when you can be simple?

Lists are great when you wanna get information across in a paper or presentation, but this is a story!

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

8 years ago

Perhaps, but when things are done the way you do them, some people find it boring.

Wonder why. I don't find them boring, quite the opposite. I am learning more about a character that I hitherto don't know about. I am putting all of the things that he will be doing in some context. (Here, by establishing that our hero is dirt poor, it would make sense why he is so helpless in the event of a cold snap) Why is it boring for you?

On the other hand, I find your stories not to be engaging because I am completely lost after reading them, mostly because you are very stingy in giving important information. I have to go through your story word for word a number of times, and even after that there is still no guarantee that I will understand what is going on.

You might appreciate the story even better if you had some background knowledge of what I am satirising. It is real, doesn't make sense and I am making fun of it. I am sure that you have heard scientists attributing cold snaps to a warming climate and I am mocking that.

I suggest you read the news reports again in my parody then read about the migrant crisis and the effects of global warming.

The problem with treating people like idiots is the ones who pick up on it will be instantly turned off. Not sure how people can't understand what you're writing about.

They complain about the words I use being not in common usage and how I construct complex sentences for no good reason. I have failed in writing for idiots in that respect. I disagree that people would be turned off by simple writing. What matters is a good story and it needn't be presented in an arcane manner.

Lists are great when you wanna get information across in a paper or presentation, but this is a story!

So what? What is the problem with that if the context of the story allows for it? This is a list of things James found online so it makes sense for them to be placed in a list.

d(^_^)(^_^)d

8 years ago

Simply telling me info doesn't make me feel engaged with a story. It just feels like someone telling me stuff. This is especially true in the beginning when I don't even know why I should care about what you're telling me. I like learning about a character, but I like doing it through context as opposed to being told things that add context.

You might appreciate the story even better if you had some background knowledge of what I am satirising.

Maybe.

They complain about the words I use being not in common usage and how I construct complex sentences for no good reason.

Oh yeah, that.

What matters is a good story and it needn't be presented in an arcane manner.

I'm not trying to be arcane about. The style of writing that I'm going for is what a story needs to do to keep me engaged. You could have a good story but if it's told in a way that turns me off and doesn't keep me engaged, chances are I won't finish it.

So what? What is the problem with that if the context of the story allows for it? This is a list of things James found online so it makes sense for them to be placed in a list.

There's an exception to every rule. And of course, what I said isn't a rule so much as my opinion. I disagree however that just because you find something in a list means it needs to be presented as a list.

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

8 years ago

d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...

This is exactly the problem I have with what you write! Why should I care about what you're telling me that is.

What you prefer it seems to me is to start off right in the middle of the action with nothing explained and no context given. Of course you and other people who share your style would urge me to be patient and read on. This precisely what turns me off. Who is the character and what he is doing is not explained. Why should I care about him then?

When you read what I write however, you appear to dislike my style of not beginning the story in media res and introducing the characters and the world they are in. However, as a reader, if the author explains outright who our character is and what he does, I would say a context is provided and this would give the reader reason to care about the story. Yanker's entry I feel did that quite well by spelling out that he hunts demons.

If you were to write his story, I would imagine you describing in detail the crucifixes he has, the silver bullets in his revolver, the colour of whatever he is wearing and perhaps write out his demon warding incantations (which of course won't make sense). You would drop hints that I would find very hard to get about him being hired by someone to exorcise some demon in a house like a flashback of some named character who sorely needs an introduction coming out of nowhere pleading with him to slay some demon.

You might think it is very clear that he is an exorcist of sorts but I hate this kind of dot connecting especially when I find out I am wrong.

Of course. But this still begs the question, why didn't you like them presented as a list? They are very unconventional but succinct, brief and gets to the point which makes it funny in my opinion. Furthermore, I think it will be awkward if I said, James clicked on a website that says this, then proceeded to another website with very lousy web design that says that.

d(^_^)(^_^)d

8 years ago

If you were to write his story, I would imagine you describing in detail the crucifixes he has, the silver bullets in his revolver, the colour of whatever he is wearing and perhaps write out his demon warding incantations (which of course won't make sense). You would drop hints that I would find very hard to get about him being hired by someone to exorcise some demon in a house like a flashback of some named character who sorely needs an introduction coming out of nowhere pleading with him to slay some demon.

Pretty much. At the very least, I would give an excuse to tell the reader he hunts demons rather than just come out and say he's one, like what Yanker did. I would never come out and say: this is our character, he hunts demons.

You might think it is very clear that he is an exorcist of sorts but I hate this kind of dot connecting especially when I find out I am wrong.

I usually don't have a problem with finding out I'm wrong.

It does fit here the more I think about it, but I definitely avoid lists in my writing. When I write, my goal is to have my presence felt as little as possible. If I step in and present a list of info to the reader, that breaks that rule and announces my presence.

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

8 years ago

[quote="d(^_^)(^_^)d"]

Sorry for the late reply. I was busy with work. I understand how it feels like to insist on writing in a certain way. I would make an effort to explain clearly who the characters in in any piece of writing unless I am trying to be funny. Speaking of which, when will you be posting something you wrote that I can complain about?

I usually don't have a problem with finding out I'm wrong.

I of course feel differently. I find reading words itself not to be entertainment but an act of gathering information. I am only entertained after the process of gathering information. Since I see reading as an act of gathering information and not guesswork or an act of artistic appreciation, I do mind if I can't understand what is being written.

That is not a taboo for me. Charles Dickens is very much of guilty of almost breaking the fourth wall and of course I enjoyed the tone of his work very much.

d(^_^)(^_^)d

8 years ago

Speaking of which, when will you be posting something you wrote that I can complain about?

Soon-ish maybe? If nothing else, there'll be the contest in December.

Since I see reading as an act of gathering information and not guesswork or an act of artistic appreciation, I do mind if I can't understand what is being written.

I read to immerse myself in a story. Well, lately when I read I've also started trying to analyze them to get better at writing.

That is not a taboo for me. Charles Dickens is very much of guilty of almost breaking the fourth wall and of course I enjoyed the tone of his work very much.

Fourth wall breaking can be amusing sometimes.

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

8 years ago

[quote="d(^_^)(^_^)d"]

Speaking of which, when will you be posting something you wrote that I can complain about?

Soon-ish maybe? If nothing else, there'll be the contest in December.

I will consider coming up with a writing event if there is nothing between now and December. As for the themes for that event, I can assure you that it will be silly even though as of now I don't know what it is yet!

d(^_^)(^_^)d

8 years ago

I will consider coming up with a writing event if there is nothing between now and December.

That's probably going to be the case.

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