PrincessTristan wrote...
we can see that the OP may really be a gargantuan sack of excrement
Definitely QFT. This made my day. I would really really really like to see OP ask his/her doctor, dentist, neurologist, and psychiatrist about that laundry list of stuff and see if the doctor or whomever could keep a straight face.
Its entirely possible his/her doctor will diagnose them with "gargantuan sack of excrement" disorder.