Rude Jokes
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anyone know any good ones,
heres one of my favorites
A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So. she puts an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a good mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. after a few days her doorbell rings. she opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs.
He says,"I'm here to see about your ad"
Momentarily taken aback, she says, "well how do i know you're loyal?"
"Well,i saved my platoon from the v.c in 'Nam.
thats where i lost my arms and legs,' he replies.
"How do i know your rich?' she asks.
"I have my own software company and make 3 mill a year. you can look at my bank statements' he replies.
Looking at him in his wheelchair she demands,"well, how do i know your a good lover?"
He shrugs, " I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
heres one of my favorites
A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So. she puts an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a good mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. after a few days her doorbell rings. she opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs.
He says,"I'm here to see about your ad"
Momentarily taken aback, she says, "well how do i know you're loyal?"
"Well,i saved my platoon from the v.c in 'Nam.
thats where i lost my arms and legs,' he replies.
"How do i know your rich?' she asks.
"I have my own software company and make 3 mill a year. you can look at my bank statements' he replies.
Looking at him in his wheelchair she demands,"well, how do i know your a good lover?"
He shrugs, " I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
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sprat111 wrote...
anyone know any good ones,heres one of my favorites
A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So. she puts an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a good mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. after a few days her doorbell rings. she opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs.
He says,"I'm here to see about your ad"
Momentarily taken aback, she says, "well how do i know you're loyal?"
"Well,i saved my platoon from the v.c in 'Nam.
thats where i lost my arms and legs,' he replies.
"How do i know your rich?' she asks.
"I have my own software company and make 3 mill a year. you can look at my bank statements' he replies.
Looking at him in his wheelchair she demands,"well, how do i know your a good lover?"
He shrugs, " I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
lol owned! 8) thats funny stuff. im going to go look for a joke
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here's another
A newly-wedded couple book into their honeymoon suite in an english farm. They immediatly bolt the door and arent seen for 2 weeks. the farmer gets worried and calls up to their window.
"Are you two alright up there?' he asks.
"fine thank you," comes the reply.
"well, i havent seen you come out of your room for ages and i wondered what you were living on," he said.
"we,re living on the fruits of love," they replied.
"oh, i see," said the farmer. "In that case, can you stop throwing the skins out of the window ' cos they're choking me chickens!"
A newly-wedded couple book into their honeymoon suite in an english farm. They immediatly bolt the door and arent seen for 2 weeks. the farmer gets worried and calls up to their window.
"Are you two alright up there?' he asks.
"fine thank you," comes the reply.
"well, i havent seen you come out of your room for ages and i wondered what you were living on," he said.
"we,re living on the fruits of love," they replied.
"oh, i see," said the farmer. "In that case, can you stop throwing the skins out of the window ' cos they're choking me chickens!"
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God wans to go on vacation. the angels tell him, "well , how bout Pluto.
God said, " last time i went there I went skiing and broke my leg.
so then the angels said, "well how bout mercury?"
god said, " no, last time i went there i got sunburnt.
the angels said," well how bout earth?
God said. " no way! The last time i went to earth i knocked up some Jewish board and they haven't stopped talking about it since!"
I apologize for any religious offense i may have caused
God said, " last time i went there I went skiing and broke my leg.
so then the angels said, "well how bout mercury?"
god said, " no, last time i went there i got sunburnt.
the angels said," well how bout earth?
God said. " no way! The last time i went to earth i knocked up some Jewish board and they haven't stopped talking about it since!"
I apologize for any religious offense i may have caused
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ok, heres one more for now
A very attractive girl is getting married to an extremely old guy expecting him to croak soon and inherit all his money. she doesn't expect anything sexual to be asked of her. after the wedding they retire to the bridal suite where she slips into something comfortable and goes straight to bed. The old guys spends ages in the bathroom. finally he comes out with big wads of cotton wool stuck in both ears and a condom on his dick. the girl is stunned
"hwats all that for?' she exclaims.
the old guy replies, "if there are two things i cant stand, it is screaming women and the smell of burning rubber!"
A very attractive girl is getting married to an extremely old guy expecting him to croak soon and inherit all his money. she doesn't expect anything sexual to be asked of her. after the wedding they retire to the bridal suite where she slips into something comfortable and goes straight to bed. The old guys spends ages in the bathroom. finally he comes out with big wads of cotton wool stuck in both ears and a condom on his dick. the girl is stunned
"hwats all that for?' she exclaims.
the old guy replies, "if there are two things i cant stand, it is screaming women and the smell of burning rubber!"
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id already heard the first one, all good jokes. heres a couple one liners for ya:
why do women have smaller feet then men?
-so they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
why do women have legs?
-so they don't leave a slime trail.
why do women have smaller feet then men?
-so they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
why do women have legs?
-so they don't leave a slime trail.
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thanks for the rep heres one another of my top favorites
an old couple went to the doctors offive. the doctor asked ,"what can i do for you?"
The man said, "will you watch us having sex?"
the doc looked puzzled but agreed. when they had finished the doc said ," there's nothing wrong with the way you have sec," and he charged them 32$. this happened several weeks in a row. they couple would make an appointment , have sex, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally, the doctor askedm "just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
the old man said, "nothing. shes married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to mine. the holiday inn charges 78$. we do it here for 32$ and i get 28$ back from BUPA for a visit to the doctors office."
an old couple went to the doctors offive. the doctor asked ,"what can i do for you?"
The man said, "will you watch us having sex?"
the doc looked puzzled but agreed. when they had finished the doc said ," there's nothing wrong with the way you have sec," and he charged them 32$. this happened several weeks in a row. they couple would make an appointment , have sex, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally, the doctor askedm "just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
the old man said, "nothing. shes married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to mine. the holiday inn charges 78$. we do it here for 32$ and i get 28$ back from BUPA for a visit to the doctors office."
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so darlean and cleatus, two redneck children, are in school and the teacher asks darlean to spell dumb and use it in a sentence. darlean says "d-u-m-b, dumb. cleatus is dumb". the teacher then asks her to spell stupid and use it in a sentence. darlean says, "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid. cleaus is stupid". afterwards the teacher asks cleatus to spell dictate and use it in a sentence. cleatus then, quite proudly, says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate. now i may be dumb, and i may be stupid, but darlean said my dictate good".
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A friend of a friend was speeding and had gotten enough tickets before, that if she got another she'd lose her license. of course she got pulled over for speeding and was trying to figure out how to talk her way out of a ticket. when the cop came up to the car she rolled down the window and said, "officer. you didn't pull me over because you wanted to ask me to the policeman's ball did you?"
the cop replied, "cops don't have balls.
Then there was a pause and with out saying anything the cop turned around and walked to his car and drove away.
the cop replied, "cops don't have balls.
Then there was a pause and with out saying anything the cop turned around and walked to his car and drove away.
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I have a small one but its not very rude and its not that good but oh well.
A man/woman walks into the doctors office after a check up and asks the nurse to tell the doctor(shes here for her)results. The nurse tells her/him to wait. The doctor calls him/her in. Doctor- im sorry i have some bad news and some really bad new.
Person- Well lets hear the bad news.
Doctor- Well... im sorry to say but your going to die in 3 days.
Person- Thats terrible! What could be worse then that?!
Doctor- I should have called you 3 days ago.
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Sorry couldnt really think of a better one.
A man/woman walks into the doctors office after a check up and asks the nurse to tell the doctor(shes here for her)results. The nurse tells her/him to wait. The doctor calls him/her in. Doctor- im sorry i have some bad news and some really bad new.
Person- Well lets hear the bad news.
Doctor- Well... im sorry to say but your going to die in 3 days.
Person- Thats terrible! What could be worse then that?!
Doctor- I should have called you 3 days ago.
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Sorry couldnt really think of a better one.
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A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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Heres a few good look alikes, I found them funny. (I guess they arent really rude, but still good jokes I think.)
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My friend me told this joke but I found the accurate one,
There was a man drowning in the ocean. A boat came by and asked if he needed some help. The man replied, "No thanks, God will save me." Another boat came by and asked if he needed some help. The man replied, "No thanks, God will save me." And then the man died. When he got to heaven, the man asked God why he didn't come and save him. So God said, "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"
How many dbz characters will it take to screw in a light bulb? Any but It'll take more than 1 episode D:
There was a man drowning in the ocean. A boat came by and asked if he needed some help. The man replied, "No thanks, God will save me." Another boat came by and asked if he needed some help. The man replied, "No thanks, God will save me." And then the man died. When he got to heaven, the man asked God why he didn't come and save him. So God said, "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"
How many dbz characters will it take to screw in a light bulb? Any but It'll take more than 1 episode D: