E3 2015

SE, you dun okay. If it was up to me, you won in my heart but Sony generated too much hype despite not having a lot of exclusives (content in general).

Power rankings =
Okay tier:
SE

okay at best, but people will be hyped regardless:
Sony

You tried and disappointed only a little
Bethseda
Nintendo

Why are you even here?:
Ubisoft EA Microsoft

Missing:
Konami, Sega

Just seeing Kingdom Hearts and how beautiful and smooth the game looked made me all giggly lol

Yep looks great. Was never a fan because of the many games spread out through so many platforms and the silly sounding story but I might check it out if I do get a PS4.

Which is probably when the Last Guardian comes out.

As great as Last Guardian looks and how much been wanting it I do wonder what kind of game it will be. It is a puzzle base game of taking care of this dog bird? If that is the case I wonder how long the game could be really.

Why would a company that makes pachinko machines be at E3? /justbarelybeingsarcastic


Those Nintendo Muppets were pretty funny. They had some ridiculous swagger levels in their walk.

It's going to be an (Action?) Adventure puzzle platformer. Rather than reading this, play Ico since it's probably going to be very similar to that.

If your playing like how the developers want you to play then upwards of eight hours, 3-4 otherwise. A somewhat close comparison is a Souls game if you don't stop to take a look around and/or experiment with the character interaction(there is definitely going to be a belly rub command) your going to be missing out on a lot.



Dead men don't play videogames.

This guy thinks Sony won.


This guy thought they won until his Final Fantasy thread got blown the fuck out.


This guy thinks Squeenix is the second cumming of christ.


She's interested in eating human hearts.


This guy is a psychopathic Jack Thompson.

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But the question remains:


Welcome! I'm your host, ClitSparker69. This competition is designed to determine who, among all our contestants, managed to come out ahead as a pioneer in verbal badassery, an architect of murderous verbiage, a wordsmith whose creations withstand volcanic temperatures and dish out damage just as hot if not hotter, etfuckingcetera.

Let the acoustic ass annihilation commence!

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BETHESDA:



4:32 | Here we have Bethesda's lead desk monkey laying out the merits of Doom. However, when he gets to unraveling the mystery of the initialism "BFG," he turns into Bethesda's cum receptacle. "Big EFFING guns." No, say the fucking word you goddamn pussy. Do you slice bread with the back of a spoon? Use sharp language like a man, bitch.

57:08 | Todd Howard sounds like someone perpetually at risk of bursting into tears, so when this smarmy, Ned Flanders faggot says, "But as far as stupid gimmicks go, this is the best FUCKING one I have ever seen," it hits you like a dildo bat. The audience just wasn't prepared. Their brains short circuited and forced their hands to start hitting each other. Swear words out of my Todd Howard? Fuck yes!

1:09:15 | Guy in video game says "fuck some shit up." Something no one could possibly care about except he says it to a goddamn dog. He's adding to this animal's repertoire, teaching it to swear, so now it knows how to piss on the corpses of their enemies figuratively and literally.

EDGE RATING: Like the blade of a guillotine.

MICROSOFT:



47:55 | Now, a master edgelord need not rape the ears of women and children with mean swear words. Some good old fashioned banter can get the blood pumping out of cuts just as well. I don't know how many of you remember this moment, but western Sony's former CEO, Jack Tretton (A.K.A. Edgemaster Flex), historically raped Microsoft in front of millions of people. However, this year Microsoft finally got its revenge: "With Xbox One backward compatibility, we won't charge you to play the games you already own." Meanwhile, Sony charges for streaming PS3 games. The ass blasting was not as severe this time around because that mortal kombat atmosphere between two big game companies just wasn't there, and I bet most of you didn't even notice this big moment. Either way, it was sharp, and it counts.

1:02:40 | With the backdrop of the robotic flatulence of dubstep, Microsoft whipped out A REAL FUCKING RACE CAR, which at any moment could've driven off the platform and murdered some of the sjw "journalists" plaguing the industry. This is not to mention the lewdness on display for the young people at home. Now that's what I call edgy.

1:53:30 | So the Gears of War (never changes) demo was playing and we see a bunch of movie shit we've seen ad infinitum in every other triple a title. Then, when Marcus Fienddicks stops to appreciate nature, he punctuates the moment with, "Ho-lee . . . ." That's it. This man is no Marcus Fenix. Dora The Explora is edgier than he can ever hope to be. Shame on you. Faggot.

EDGE RATING: Pizza cutter.

ELECTRONIC ARTS:



1:00:30 | Mirror's Edge.

EDGE RATING: Plastic knife.

UBISOFT:



30:30 | Having Matt "The Hood Rat" Stone and Trey "Is Gay" Parker has inherent edge to it, but they don't settle for their mere visage. Fucking instantly Matt starts cursing out the microphone. After the unfunny black chick does what everyone expected, Matt proceeds to talk about becoming one with the vidya and lets loose another fuck bomb. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE. Inspired by Bill O'Reilly's motivational (and edgy as fuck) broadcast speech, Matt then just casually edges out a, "Fuck it, let's do it." Finally, they land their perfect presentation with talk of penetrating deep into everyone's "but whole." Some of the children watching online got their first erection that day.

34:54 | Through her unfortunate, but apropos, channeling of Scatman John, that one ubisoft black lady stumbled through mentioning her investigative journalism of NSFW reddit shit. This is where she missed her opportunity for some proper edge. There's NSFW material on reddit, and then there's 4chan. Mention /b/ or /d/ to the thousands of people watching, Lana. 2edgy4u? Weak.

45:50 | Almost, but the unicorn being ridden by a gun wielding cat is missing a giant horse cock dangling to and fro. Should've had someone from the Skyrim mod community fix that up before the show.

53:25 | At the end of the The Division demo, one guy, with superpowers reminiscent of the Hulk, channels all of his angst and transforms into a faggot who kills his team. I'd probably be impressed if I was never exposed to the cunty existence of online gaming. Nice try, ubisoft, but I could cut cheese better with farts than the knife that angst factory uses on his wrists.

59:50 | The infamous meme man moment. Forcing memes is cringe, not edge. Fuck off.

1:12:30 | Not related to the competition. I just bring this up because ubisoft has a qt frenchie working for them. Bonjourno.

EDGE RATING: A game with no anti-aliasing, i.e., anything for the Wii U.

SONY:



0:00:00 | Sony studied carefully the edge on display by the previous contestants, so they began the show with a song where some guy from the band "Edgineers" incessantly yells "here we fucking go." As edgy as this was for about two seconds, the repetition and lack of a good build up makes this immediate attempt to middle finger Microsoft for backwards compatibility a wasted effort. This is what happens when you lose Jack Tretton, Sony: you become a tiny dicked mess of quivering desperation. Just kidding, they always had small pricks. Calling Sony a quickshooter is an understatement. They blew their load before they could even get the belt off and were marinating in their own splooge for the rest of the show.

37:10 | "Hello, everyone. This shit just never gets old, hahahahahaha." Hope you don't suck your mom's tits with that mouth, you dirty outlaw you. This fat faggot's complete failure to edge is perfected by that giggling afterward as if this is the first time since grade school that he said a curse word and now he feels delightfully naughty, teeheehee. Eat a dick.

EDGE RATING: Loose leaf paper.

NINTENDO: Disqualified for being kiddie fiddlers. Now, you might say, "But TittyJuggler69, kid fingering is edgier than fucking dead prostitutes." No, not after Michael Jackson won the Boy Butt Busting award from NAMBLA.

SQUARE ENIX: Disqualified. Panties and spiky anime hair don't count.

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So who won? This man right here:


Sony didn't know how to edge, EA had no edge, Ubisoft put all their testicles in one scrotum (the South Park guys), and Microsoft's edge wasn't even sharp enough to leave an impression. Todd Howard's edginess was masterfully executed, bearing the sharpness of a Masamune katana folded a billion times.

This concludes the Edgelord Olympics. I am VaginaViking69. Good night.

Games I am looking forward to now (in no particular order):

Doom 4
Kingdom Hearts 3
EA Star Wars Battlefront

As little interest as I have in Bethesda properties I think agree in terms of calibre of presentations. Sony's probably got the most internet buzz, on the Giant Bomb stream they said someone in chat was describing it as fanfiction ("and Last Guardian is there, and they have Shenmue 3, and FFVII is gonna be remade, and Uncharted is gonna be awesome, etc"), but it had some filler and when you really take it apart they didn't have any real first party stuff announced and the idea of launching a Kickstarter on stage kinda grosses me out.

I don't think Bethesda had any surprise announcements (due to their own choice to announce/leak plenty of stuff) but they just played it super clean with very slick presentation.

That said, Nintendo's presentation was my favourite. I'm still thinking about those stupid muppets and honestly, if you're on team Nintendo then there's just so much charm in seeing Miyamoto hold up graph paper with Mario level designs on them even if it means they're announcing fuck all.

>not brittle glass knife

STILL A SUCKER FOR SQUEENIX BUT THE FUCKING REMAKE MADE ME EYES ROLL AGAIN.

The whole Xbone BC thing has gotten me hopeful for native BC on ps4 instead of that streaming service we have at the moment. Make it happen Sony.

1. Check out the link I provided that list of BC games, it's not a lot so there's no reason to be hyped at all.
2. Completely different architecture, PS4 doesn't have the "Cell" so that would be impossible without emulation.
3. PS4 is not powerful enough to emulate ps3 games.

Nevermind the link, I had to rewatch all the conferences again for that one godzilla post and that corporate cock choker talking about BC specifically mentioned that the current list is for "preview members" and the for reals feature will be available at the end of the year with 100+ games. Go watch it yourself, it's around the timestamp I highlighted where he flips off Sony.

Dude, I just went through that whole post with a friend of mine, and we both found it hilarious. You did good and it was indeed worth.