Blood Princess

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3
Yanker I read hentai for plot
Hello, everyone! I'm going to try my hand at writing a novel again. I've started plenty but never actually finished any, so I'm going to hope that by posting here I'll be motivated to actually finish something. Any and all feedback is appreciated, even if it's just a comment to say how much you liked or hated it.

I'll just mention that the style may not be everyone's cup of tea - I'm writing this in a visual novel/light novel style, aimed at teens. So without further ado, here's the first chapter!

BLOOD PRINCESS

Prologue
Spoiler:

Soft snow trickles from the sky.

The rain of white slowly paints the deserted park, coating the swings and the slides in a layer of cold.

The ground is as white as the sky is black. The stars are as numerous as the flakes spiraling down from the heavens.

The girl stands up from the carcass on the ground. Her face is as pale as the snow. Her silky fair hair dances around her shoulders, playing with the breeze. Her white gown reaches to her knees, shivering in the coldlight.

She wipes the blood from her mouth. A red droplet trickles down her chin and falls onto the ground, staining it. Alone in the white park, the only color to be seen is the red of her lips and the red of the dead body.

My breath catches in my throat. Despite her monstrous nature, she is beautiful, a princess of the night. I feel the grip on my sword loosen.

She notices me and turns around. Her eyes are also red, like the blood on her lips. They begin to form words.

“Have you come for me?”



Chapter One: Two sides of the Coin

Spoiler:

“Alright everyone, take your positions on the starting line!”

Mr. Croyal, our ironically overweight PE teacher ushers us towards the field.

“That includes you, Bran. Get off your lazy ass and hope you make the time.”

I sigh and stand up from my position on the sidelines. Every year, Fifth Hill High enforces a compulsory fitness test – to run a mile within six minutes. If you fail, you have to undergo a mandatory program after school to get you back in shape. It’s a reasonable test by all means – I’m just not in the mood to run.

“Gonna come last again, Bran?”

Leo shoots me a smirk. Every single year I’ve always barely made the cut, coming in just at five minutes fifty-nine. It’s not that I can’t go faster, I just can’t be bothered.

I wordlessly step up to the starting line, which is now crowded with the thirty-odd people in class 3-C. On the bright side, this’ll be the last time I ever have to do this - unless university decides to implement the same program.

“On your mark…”

The students around me are casually chattering as usual. No one’s ever failed the test before, so their lack of concern is understandable.

“Set…”

I take a deep breath.

“GO!”

The front liners immediately bolt off into the distance. I struggle to emerge from the back, which is crowded by the majority of the class. Something shoves into me from the side, pushing me with such force that I go sprawling into the cold dirt.

I slowly look up, seeing Leo’s grin before he disappears off into the distance. He must have deliberately started from the back to sabotage me, knowing he would easily come first. It wasn’t a race by any means, but some people just have to win.

“Bran! Get up, you’re going to fall behind!”

Dennis extends a hand towards me.

“It’s alright. I’ll make it.”

“Are you sure?”

He’s really concerned. The mile isn’t a problem for Dennis either; so he can afford to try and help me. That’s just the sort of friend he is.

“Yeah. Just go.”

Dennis gives one more worried look before racing off into the distance. The group is nearly a hundred meters away, and people have begun to drift apart according to their physical abilities. Despite his start, Leo is already at the forefront, nearly a whole lap completed.

“Come on, Bran. Don’t be the first one to fail this course, you’ll make me look bad,” Croyal growls from the sidelines.

I guess it can’t be helped.

I pull myself up to my feet and take off. My back foot sinks a little in the dirt from the force of my kick-off.

The ground begins to blur into a mix of white snow and brown dirt as I pick up speed. Without even realizing it, the adrenaline has begun to kick in.

Ah, to hell with it. It’s my last year, anyway.

I feel my heart pumping in my veins, providing a constant source of blood to my limbs as the distance between me and the group up ahead lessens. Within seconds, I’ve passed them. I hear a few shouts of surprise, but they’re lost in the roar of the wind.

One lap down. I’ve successfully caught up to the pack – there’s no way I’ll fail now.

But that’s not my goal.

I continue to run, my feet moving like a blur across the field. There are three more laps to go, and I’ve nearly halved the distance between Leo and I. Leo is an experienced athlete, probably the best in the school – but he’s only ever run to win races. That’s where the difference between us lies.

I’ve run to escape death, and to seek it.

The field curves away from me as I round the bend to the final lap. I’ve caught up to him now, and he shoots me a look of surprise out of the corner of his eye. Both of us are breathing hard, our bodies reaching their limits. If I’d started at the same time as him, I would have easily overtaken him.

“How…?” he gasps between breaths.

I ignore him and focus on my breathing. The rhythmic thump of our legs striking the ground echoes in my ears. The pounding of my heart blocks out all sounds from the outside world.

Before I know it, I’ve passed the finish line, several meters ahead of Leo. We both collapse onto the ground, sucking in air as if our lives depend on it. I see small black spots dancing around my vision.

“F-Four minutes thirty seconds,” Croyal breathes. “No way…”

It wasn’t surprising for Leo – but I had started at least fifteen seconds behind everyone else. The current world record for something like this was about three minutes forty, and for mere high school students even breaking four minutes forty was a feat in itself.

Of course, I could have gone a lot faster if I borrowed Nightfall’s power, but then that would be cheating.

“Why aren’t you in the track team?” Croyal mutters. “With you, we’d probably be able to reach the nationals without a problem.”

I shrug. Sports never interested me that much – in fact, nothing really did.

Leo is still panting, although he’s regained some of his posture. He wordlessly stands up and hobbles back to the outskirts of the field, picking up his bottle of water. I head after him, just as the next batch of runners begin finishing up.

***

“Amazing,” Dennis says. “I never would have thought you were so good at running.”

We’re at our lockers, changing shoes before we go home. Around us, students are eagerly discussing plans for the afternoon, the weekend, or club activities. I’m not part of any clubs, so I usually just go straight home.

“I run a little every so often,” I say. Which isn’t a complete lie.

I finish slipping on my sneakers. Dennis gives me a look full of admiration. “Are you sure you don’t want to try out track? We really could do with someone like you.”

I shake my head. “Thanks for the offer, but I’ll pass. I’m really tired, I just want to go home and get some shut-eye.”

“You’re always tired. And hungry, too.”

“Well, I am a growing boy after all.”

Dennis smiles and waves. “Alright then. Guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yep. Later.”

***

As usual, Mum isn’t home. She’s probably going to be working another late night shift at the hospital – it’s been like this ever since Dad passed away. The world can be a cruel place – one simple action, like drink driving, can change the lives of several people forever.

“I’m home,” I call out, as I take off my shoes. Tossing my bag to the side, I immediately collapse onto the floor and close my eyes.

It’s not long before I hear the sound of footsteps approaching. Something tickles my face; something that smells and feels familiar. I open one eye to find my little sister staring at me.

“Hungry?” she asks. I push her veil of black hair away from my face and sit up.
“Yeah. Very.”

“I cooked something for you. You’re working again tonight, aren’t you?”

I nod, following Judith into the kitchen.

“You really shouldn’t push yourself too much. It makes me feel terrible seeing both you and Mum like this.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I brush her off. “I’m just helping her lighten the load, that’s all.”

Judith places a plate of rice and boiled vegetables before me.

“Oh come on. Where’s the meat?” I grumble.

“Please, Bran. You eat enough of that for breakfast and lunch. You need some greens to stay healthy.”

I grumpily dig at the carrot slices. Vegetables aren’t at the top of my list of favorite foods – then again, that probably goes for most people my age.

Except Judith – but that’s because she only has vegetables on her list.

“Come on, eat up,” she said. “Carrots help your night vision, you know.”

I stick a piece in my mouth and immediately wash it down with plenty of rice and water.

“How do you stand this?” I ask. “It tastes terrible.”

“The things that taste worst are usually the best for you.”

“They’re sometimes the worst too.”

I continue to munch on the food. Judith just watches me from across the table.

“Aren’t you going to have some?” I offer a spoonful of the dreaded substance.

“I’m not hungry yet. I have a normal sleeping cycle, unlike you.”

Fair enough.

“So how was your day?” I ask, attempting to make conversation.

“Good.”

She’s looking at her phone screen, scrolling down her notifications. I guess she’s not in the mood to talk.

Ah well. At least I tried.

“Thanks for the meal,” I say, shoveling the rest of the meal down my throat. “Appreciate it.”

“Sleep well, bro.”

And just like that, the day passes.

***

Sometime during the night, my alarm blares to life. I quickly stop it before I wake anyone up, and get dressed.

It’s exactly midnight – when my day begins.

I quietly head out into the dark living room, slipping on a warm winter jacket. It’s been snowing a lot recently, unfortunately for me. It’s incredibly hard to move with speed and agility on snow, especially when your feet sink with each step.

Judith is sprawled over the table, sleeping. Her textbooks and stationery are scattered around her – she must have been studying late into the night again.
“And you tell us to take it easy,” I murmur with a smile.

I take the coat from the back of her seat and gently drape it around her shoulders. The door to Mum’s room is still open, so she probably hasn’t returned yet. Taking one last look around the house, I make sure all the windows are locked, the taps closed and the stoves turned off before I leave.

The cold winter air hits me like a truck when I step outside. I only ever feel truly active at night – ironically enough, when my prey are also at their most active. Specks of white are lightly drifting down from the grey skies, covering the earth in a fresh layer of snow. I catch a flake on my tongue. It tastes sweet.

The neighborhood is quiet, as it should be at this time of the night. The streets are deserted, a frozen landscape of unmoving white. I slowly trudge through the snow towards the city, beginning my patrol.

We humans are not alone in this world. The very fact that people dismiss them as myths just shows how cunning and intelligent they are.

Vampires, werewolves, trolls, imps, goblins, gnomes… these monsters existed in real life and still exist now. They’ve just learned to conceal traces of their passing and live alongside us. Together, they are grouped under the umbrella term †˜demons’.

And I am a demon hunter.

I can already smell blood when I reach the city. Something has been on the hunt tonight. In fact, it’s been hunting for several days now.

Following my instincts, I stride into one of the numerous back alleys around Ashbrook. The stench grows stronger, permeating through the air and invading my senses. I wrap my jacket closer around me to ward from the cold and forge onward.

Upon turning the corner, I see them.

There are five of them – a pack no doubt. They are small beings, hunched over a carcass in the darkness. Small horns protrude from their scaly skin, and their lips are coated with blood. In the day, they would most likely take the form of young children. In the night, they would come out to feed.

The imps raise their heads towards me. I immediately know that they weren’t the ones who killed this person. Imps are scavengers, like vultures, and only eat leftovers. However when they feel threatened, they won’t hesitate to attack – especially when they have the advantage in numbers.

They must think I’m just an ordinary boy.

The lead imp makes the decision, removing itself from the mutilated corpse. Bits and pieces of flesh still line its lips as it snarls quietly. I face them head on in the lightless alleyway.

“Come to me, Nightfall,” I whisper.

I feel a tugging at my conscious as my Divine Edge flares to life in my right hand. This is the meaning of what it is to be a demon hunter. This is the power we possess, which allows us to fight, and become the hunters.

The black blade is cool to the touch. A black, misty aura surrounds it, singing of death and darkness. I feel its power coursing through me, a familiar presence in my body. It is a manifestation of my soul after all.

The imps seem taken aback by the summoning of Nightfall, but it’s too late for them to retreat. As one, the five shapes come flying towards me, fangs bared.

I take one step forward. I’ve fought countless demons, and these imps are small fry compared to what I’ve seen. Bringing Nightfall around I cleave effortlessly through the first one, twist to dodge the next two, and slam the pommel into the fourth one. The fifth imp manages to rake its claws across my cheek, but doesn’t do anything more than that.

Feeling the cold air biting in my wound, I quickly lunge forward and stab into that imp’s head. Wrenching it out, I then whirl around to avoid two swipes before decapitating their owners in one swing. Heads fall onto the ground, landing in a bloody heap.

Only one imp remains, the one which I’d stunned with the pommel of my hilt. Fear lines its scaly face as it turns to flee, but I catch up to it in three quick strides and impale it.

The falling snow is already beginning to bury the dead bodies, but the red leaking from them won’t be hidden that easily. Wiping the blood from my cheek, I head over to where the dead body is.

It’s a man. His body has been torn apart, and I can see his lifeless innards inside his torso. Bits and pieces have been ripped out, no doubt by the imps, but I can tell that the majority of the damage was caused before they arrived. It looks to be the same work as the other murders – the telltale shredding of the torso tells me that much. The man is also missing a surprising amount of blood.

Nightfall shimmers and dissipates as I unsummon it. Turning back to the five imp corpses, I snap a photo with my smartphone before punching a number in. The tone rings for a bit before someone answers.

“I’ve got a mess that needs cleaning up,” I say. “Better hurry up, before anyone else comes.”

2
Been trying to get back into the swing of things, but work and school's been really tough. I'll see if I can give this a read when I'm done with work and I'll give it a proper review.
1
Xenon FAKKU Writer
This is a very interesting and unique story. I sort of get a Percy Jackson vibe from it, teenagers who combat supernatural forces using divine powers.

At first I thought it was medieval, but things began to set well. I only question what kind of P.E. instructor would make his kids run outside in the cold snow. I always had to run in the gymnasium for class when winter was about.

But anyway, I like where this is going, even if the main character is a typical teen, no interests and a loner, hates his veggies, still likes his family. Seems like a good kid.

Will look forward to the next chapter, nice job.
2
Okay! Just read it! Hm... Not bad, not bad at all. It feels a bit typical, but that by no means means it's bad. I have a few gripes with the overly obvious teen attitude of Bram, but then again, I've seen plenty teen agers and that's on the money...

I also have a few questions I'd like answered about the lore, but I'm sure you'll share that as you write more.

All in all, this is a decent foothold for a story. I'm sure with the proper steps it'll turn into something great. As of right now, it has held my interest, but I would really like for it to do more with new updates.
2
Pretty standard for a story of this genre so far, but it's not bad. Prose is solid all around. The only thing I'd change after reading through it once is this:

Feeling the cold air biting in my wound, I quickly lunge forward and stab into that imp’s head.


Delete "quickly." It adds nothing.

I will definitely read more when you post it.

Xenon wrote...
At first I thought it was medieval, but things began to set well.


How do you mistake it for medieval when the second line of the story is, "The rain of white slowly paints the deserted park, coating the swings and the slides in a layer of cold."

Unless that was added after you read it.
0
Xenon FAKKU Writer
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
How do you mistake it for medieval when the second line of the story is, "The rain of white slowly paints the deserted park, coating the swings and the slides in a layer of cold."

Unless that was added after you read it.


It was probably there, but I glanced over it without paying too much attention. I thought it was medieval because my attention was grabbed by the later line: "I feel the grip on my sword loosen."
3
Yanker I read hentai for plot
Thanks for the comments guys. I'm aware that one of the main problems with my stuff is how generic/clichéd it is, and I'm working to try and fix it (even though I feel like I'm not getting anywhere). I've decided for now to just put it aside and write as I normally do, and try to figure things out along the way.

So here's Chapter Two: Ten Thousand.

Spoiler:
“Bran!”

I shift around into a more comfortable position.

“Brannny!”

A hand gently rouses me from my slumber. I raise my head violently, a trail of drool dripping from my mouth.

Ah, crap.

“Come on, Branny. I know it makes my job easier and all, but I’d prefer it if you paid attention to my classes.”

My biology teacher, Mrs. Kuksal, glares disapprovingly over me. A small, middle-aged and chubby woman, she’s been calling me †˜Branny’ ever since I ended up in her class. She tends to pick on me quite often – if I didn’t know better, I’d swear she just enjoyed saying my name.

“Sorry, Miss.”

“See me after class. I want to have a little chat with you.”

I meekly nod as she goes back to explaining the steps of the practical.

“You reckon you’re going to get a detention?” Dennis whispers from out of the corner of his mouth.

I massage my eyelids, slowly regaining my senses. I didn’t get much sleep after taking care of those demons this morning, so I’m still a little tired. “Maybe. She hasn’t given me one yet, but there’s a first time for everything I suppose.”

We continue to listen as she describes the parts of the frog we’ll need to pay special attention to, and the specific parts we’ll need to cut. There’s a trolley with rows of frozen frog corpses, ready for us to dissect. I can already see some of the weak-hearted girls cringing at the thought of cutting into flesh.

“Alright, everyone. I want one person from each pair to now come up and take a sample. Don’t push, there’s enough for everyone. I don’t want anyone getting hurt.”

There’s a mass rustling of stools being dragged from their desks and people leaving them. Dennis nods at me and heads towards the equipment cabinet – I guess I’ll be in charge of picking up the specimen and the scalpels.

Instead of forming an orderly line everyone crowds around the trolley, eager to be the first to receive a dead frog. I find myself at the back alongside the slower and more reluctant people, waiting my turn. I end up picking up a scalpel and some of the other tools first while I wait.

When my turn finally arrives and I’ve gotten my frozen frog-on-a-plate, someone nudges my elbow from the side. The dead creature goes falling onto the floor, landing with a splat.

“Oops,” Leo says. “My bad. It was an accident.”

Before I can respond, he bends down and picks up the frog with a gloved hand. In the process, he makes a long gash along its belly with his other hand, which holds a scalpel.

That bastard.

“Sorry about that,” he apologizes, plopping the ruined frog on my plate.

You’re not sorry at all.

He returns to a few of his friends, who begin sniggering. I sigh and head back to Dennis with the corpse.

“What happened here?” he asks.

“Dropped it,” I reply. There’s no point getting him involved. Dennis seems to catch on, and dismisses the issue.

“Let’s get started then.”

***

Almost an hour later, we finish up and throw out the remains of the bodies. I’ve seen plenty of blood and gore, but not everyone is like me. One boy fainted and had to be taken to the nurse’s office.

“I want everyone to write up this practical and hand it in tomorrow,” Kuksal’s voice rings out across the classroom.

“Yes Miss,” we respond in a monotonous chorus.

I finish rinsing the equipment we used and place it back on the trolley. The bin is already filling up with the bloodied corpses of frog bits and pieces. Some are still recognizable; others not so much. There’s always a few who get trigger-happy – or in this case, scalpel-happy and end up just stabbing randomly for fun.

The bell for the end of school rings, and we are dismissed. My classmates begin streaming out of the lab group by group. I wait patiently for everyone to leave.

“You can go,” I say to Dennis. “Don’t worry about me. You don’t want to be late for club activities, do you?”

Dennis nods. “Alright then. Good luck.”

With that, he leaves the lab, closing the door behind him. Only Mrs. Kuksal and I are left.

“You wanted to see me?” I ask, standing before her desk.

Kuksal finishes tidying up her folders and looks up. Her piggy eyes bore deep into me, but I hold her gaze. “Is everything alright, Branny?”

“What do you mean? I was just tired, that’s all. Sorry.”

She shakes her head. “You should sleep better then. Is there anything going on at home? Anything that I can help with? Is there a reason you’re not getting enough sleep?”

A silence drifts between us. For a moment, I’m tempted to tell her, if only for the comedic value.

Yeah, I’m actually out placing my life on the line every night to hunt demons. I’m forced to get what little sleep I can in the afternoon and the few hours before school.

“I’m fine,” I say instead, holding my tongue. “It’s just been a little hard at home lately. I’m working to try and help my Mum out with the bills.”

Mrs. Kuksal adjusts her reading glasses. I can almost see her thought process. She detects some of it as the truth – which it is – but she knows there’s something more I’m not telling her. It must be women’s intuition.

“If you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to talk to me,” she says. “Or any of the teachers, for that matter. We have a counsellor too, don’t forget about her. I’m just concerned for you, okay?”

“Yep. No problem.”

I nod and try a reassuring smile. It probably looks like I choked on something foul instead.

“Honestly… it’s not like your grades are bad or anything; I just think you have so much potential. If you weren’t always nodding off or spacing out, I think you could do quite well.”

†˜Spacing out’… I guess she hasn’t completely seen through me yet then. Most of the times I †˜space out’ I’m actually half-asleep, with my eyes open too.

“Thanks,” I reply.

“Alright then. Please try not to lose focus again. I might have to have a chat with your mother if this keeps up.”

Good luck with that, I think. She doesn’t even have time to spend talking with her family, let alone you.

I bow my head before leaving the classroom. Before I do, I acknowledge all those poor frog souls who sacrificed their lives in the name of science to educate us.

***

By the time I arrive at the school gates ready to leave, most people have either gone home or immersed themselves in their circle and club activities. Before I can step past the threshold, a voice calls out to me from the side.

“Bran! Did you get in trouble? You’re later than usual.”

A black ponytail blurs before my vision, shortly before something latches onto my arm. Something that’s too tall and well-developed to be Judith.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I say, gently shaking her off. I will never understand why this person insists on pursuing me.

“Are you heading home? Let’s go together!”

No matter how hard I try and turn her down, she doesn’t – or refuses to – take the hint. I don’t have the heart to tell her I’m not interested, either.

“Sorry, I’m going somewhere else. I have to take care of some personal business.”

A downcast look takes over her face.

“Maybe some other time,” I mutter. As usual, I just can’t force myself to be too cold.

“Aww… just when I was given a day off too…”

It’s not that she’s not attractive or anything; quite the contrary in fact. I just have too much going on to try and juggle a relationship – plus, I’m not quite sure how long I’d be able to keep my †˜part-time job’ a secret for. I wouldn’t want to drag her into the world of ANGEL for no good reason.

I awkwardly look around, trying to think of what to say next when I’m saved by the person I least expected.

“Ashley!”

I immediately try and turn away, but judging from the sharp intake of breath I know it’s too late.
Leo’s furious face has appeared in the distance, coming to a halt a few meters away from us.

“What are you doing here? You should be practicing, the tournament is in a little less than a week!”

He’s dressed in a white uniform – the uniform of the karate club. He sees me and his eyes immediately harden.

Another reason why I’d prefer not to get involved with Ashley – she’s Leo’s kid sister. They’re in the same grade, but were born on opposite ends of the year. Probably another reason why he always picks on me.

“I got a day off,” she complains. “I hate practicing all the time, sometimes I just want to have fun or relax. I’m not a machine, you know.”

Leo scowls. “Come on, Ashley. You have a bright future ahead of you, especially if you help us win this upcoming tournament. Don’t hang out with people like him; they’ll just drag you down with them.”

I hold myself back from launching a fist into his face. He doesn’t know it, but I’m probably just as capable, if not more, in a fight. I’d rather it stayed that way.

“He’s right,” I say. “Not about the dragging down part, but you should really get as much training in as possible. Give it your all, that way you won’t have any regrets at the end.”

Ashley looks between us before finally sighing. “All right, Leo. Let’s go.”

She reluctantly looks at the space beside me, as if she wanted to be there. Not that I’ve ever walked home or gone on a date with her, of course. I suppose she and Leo aren’t that different in that sense. If they want something, they’ll try their hardest to try and get it.

“You’d better make it up to me,” she mutters. “I swear you’re never available on the weekends… and I never see you at school either.”

Huh. Since when was I obliged to spend time with her? But before I can mention this, she’s already begun stalking back to the main building. Leo stares at me for a while longer, an unseen message passing between us.

“Alright, alright,” I say.

“You’re lucky she likes you, or I’d make your life even worse than it already is.”

That... would be troublesome.

“You’d better make sure she’s happy, or you’ll have me to deal with,” he continues, before turning to follow his sister back into the school.

I suppose if you look at it this way, Leo and I aren’t all that different either. It seems like we’re both similarly over-protective of our family.

***

The previous diversion aside, I’m finally able to reach my destination without further trouble. The old apartment block towers above me, practically trembling in the wind. I climb the cracked steps to the fifth floor and stride down the corridor to a battered old door, the number †˜Five’ screwed above it. The other number fell off long ago, but the numbers †˜Fifty-Four’ and †˜Fifty-Six’ on the doors on either side of it mean it could only have been another five.

Knock, Knock.

I’m a little tentative with my knocking. Despite my common sense, it feels like simply tapping the door could bring it, along with the apartment, down on me.

“Come in.”

She’s home, as usual.

I gently push the door open and step inside, bracing myself for the wave of hot smoke that hits me. If I ever get lung cancer, I’m going to sue this woman for being the most likely cause behind it.

She sits in the middle of the room before her desk, poring over documents. A cigarette sticks out from her lips, almost like an extension of her body. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her without a cigarette to her lips; or even outside of this room for that matter. Sometimes I wonder if this woman ever leaves it. Does she have a family? Friends? Things she enjoys outside of work?

“Come here for your payment, have you?” she mutters without looking up.

“To the point as usual, Shizuka.”

The woman’s name is Hirano Shizuka, ANGEL’s Director of the Fifteenth District. A buxom Asian beauty of twenty-nine years, she handles all affairs that go on within Ashbrook and its surrounding cities – i.e. the Fifteenth District.

“Five lesser imps. Not bad, but not particularly spectacular either. At ANGEL’s standard rate, that warrants you a hundred dollars.”

I nod. That’s reasonable - ANGEL isn’t known for being particularly generous, even if it’s funded by the government. Shizuka quickly signs off a check and hands it to me, taking another long puff.

“You should stop smoking,” I say as I accept the slip of paper. “You’ll never find a decent guy if you smoke.”

Shizuka narrows her eyes. “What makes you think I haven’t found one already?”

I shrug. “Just a hunch.”

Judging by the furious look on her face, I’ve hit the bullseye. She quickly recomposes herself and clasps her hands together. “Stay out of adults’ business kid.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Despite the way she speaks and acts sometimes, she was actually quite a prestigious name back in the day. They still teach ANGEL recruits using some examples of situations she’s been in.

“So what’s the latest news on the block?”

“I’m pretty sure you already know, but there’s something out there killing people. From the limited information we have, our bets are on a feral demon that’s recently found its way to civilization.”

I nod. I’d already suspected as much, with the rather amateur way it had killed that man last night.

“How many has that been?” I ask.

Shizuka blows a puff of smoke to the side. “Three. It won’t be long before it makes the news. We’ve raised the bounty of this particular demon to ten thousand dollars.”

I nearly choke on my tongue. “Ten thousand? That’s a hundred times more than what I earned today!”

“It’s proven itself to be incredibly dangerous,” she says. “And we have to exterminate it before the general public gets wind of it. We’re lucky enough that we’ve reached most of these incidents before they have, but it’s only a matter of time. The Minister of Defense won’t be pleased if we cause a panic.”

“Ten thousand,” I mutter, her words falling on deaf ears.

“Hey, Bran. Don’t be rash, make sure you’re fully prepared before you try taking it on. The first rule we teach ANGEL recruits is that you never engage unless you have a ninety percent chance of survival. I know you work differently since you were an outsider and all, but please be careful.”

Even the government knows that asking for a hundred percent is too much. Fighting demons can be a dangerous task.

“Got it,” I say. That ten thousand is as good as mine.

“I’ve notified hunters in charge of the other regions of Fifteen, but the killer’s been turning up mostly around here. If you ever need backup, don’t hesitate to ask.”

I’m already standing up, getting ready to leave. I’ll finally be able to take a break if I kill this thing.

“Ten thousand,” I mutter again. I feel Shizuka’s eyes on me as I leave the room, already thinking of how I’ll spend the money.
0
Xenon FAKKU Writer
Not too bad an addition, even if it was mostly the quiet school double-life Bran plays. I expect things will get more interesting in the next chapter. Hope Bran isn't getting ahead of himself, but he probably is. We'll see.

Yanker wrote...
If they want something, they’ll try their hardest to try and get it.


The second "try" is redundant, I'd recommend "they'll try their hardest to get it."

Also, I'm trying to adjust to your British English since some things are throwing me off, like "practical" being used as a noun, and then tossing "trolley" in there.
1
Yanker I read hentai for plot
Xenon wrote...

The second "try" is redundant, I'd recommend "they'll try their hardest to get it."

Also, I'm trying to adjust to your British English since some things are throwing me off, like "practical" being used as a noun, and then tossing "trolley" in there.


Good pickup, thanks for that. As for my British English... I never realized I had that lol. What do they use in the U.S?
1
Xenon FAKKU Writer
Yanker wrote...
Good pickup, thanks for that. As for my British English... I never realized I had that lol. What do they use in the U.S?


American English. The differences between BE and AE are slight, but noticeable when they're used. There are also shifts in punctuation rules and variations in spelling. The most typical are the "our"s and "ise"s. color/colour, armor/armour, valor/valour. Realize/realise, analyze/analyse, hypnotize/hypnotise, etc. Also, in American English, punctuation will always come before the end of a quotation while it will usually fall outside it in British English. "Like so." Or "like so". Bram calls his mother "Mum," while it's just "Mom" in America, and also in America we call it a "cart" instead of a "trolley."

Using one or the other isn't a big deal, but most writers and editors suggest picking one and staying consistent with it.

I use American English because...Well, I'm American. But I do enjoy learning about the differences.
1
Hm... Not too bad. I like the build up, but I think Bran might be a little over his head. I know it's for story's sake, but he should pick his battles carefully. There's a saying that goes: "There are old sell swords and there are bold sell swords, but there are no old bold sell swords."

I'm not too sure about the government knowing about some extra planar world. With how stiff and often close minded government can seem, this is a little bit odd to me. Then again, it could just be my weariness and dislike for my own government clouding my vision.

Finally, as much as I like the pacing and your introduction and development of characters, I'm not sure about Leo. Bran has enough turmoil to deal with and I don't see how a bully adds much depth other than showing he has good discipline which he has shown in other actions he's done. This of course, is just me personally. I mean, even my stories have bullies. Anyway, that's it~
2
Yanker I read hentai for plot
crazr wrote...


Finally, as much as I like the pacing and your introduction and development of characters, I'm not sure about Leo. Bran has enough turmoil to deal with and I don't see how a bully adds much depth other than showing he has good discipline which he has shown in other actions he's done. This of course, is just me personally. I mean, even my stories have bullies. Anyway, that's it~


Thank you for your input. I find myself agreeing with this (for now), and perhaps if by the time I finish Leo's role still doesn't really bring anything to the table, I'll remove him. I sort of only included him to add a bit of depth to his school life, though now I'm thinking of other things I can do to him (and his sister).
1
Yanker wrote...
Thank you for your input. I find myself agreeing with this (for now), and perhaps if by the time I finish Leo's role still doesn't really bring anything to the table, I'll remove him. I sort of only included him to add a bit of depth to his school life, though now I'm thinking of other things I can do to him (and his sister).

Not a problem! And since this is your story, you can always just throw my advice out the window, as well. Honestly, I'm often told that "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer." It's good to take criticism, but that does not mean that you should advise all of it. After all, one opinion could be just that: one opinion. Others might have a completely different opinion that's more advisable and shared by the majority.

I would also like to say that this has inspired me to write an update to one of my more obscure stories on here. I'm surprised it did considering the back log of stuff I need to read from D's all the way to Cinia's, but eh... I did. If you wouldn't mind, I'd love for you to read it if you have the time. I haven't edited it more than once since it's my more obscure story and the writing's a bit raw, but it's a fantasy story kind of like yours and I'd love to see what you think. Of course, you can also completely ignore it and I wouldn't mind that either. Haha!
2
Yanker I read hentai for plot
Chapter Three: First Encounter

Spoiler:
It’s snowing again.

I wearily slap my cheeks in the cold, trying to wake myself up. Writing up that dissection practical took longer than I expected. It wasn’t that I didn’t get enough sleep – I just wanted more, as opposed to needed more.

Before I start walking anywhere I stare down the street-lit road, thinking. With a bounty of ten thousand placed on this demon’s head, I’ve decided to alter my usual patrol route. Instead of just walking a circle around the city I’m thinking about heading along the outskirts of the residential district, bordering the woods.

The demon is feral, and will thus probably stay in its old home in the wild until it attains a better grasp of how society works. Assuming it’s nocturnal due to biological reasons or convenience, I might be able to catch it as it leaves the woods in search of a target.

I may be reading too much into the situation, but better that than stabbing in the dark.

My gambit pays off when I hear a stifled choke in the distance, not too far from here. My feet are moving before my brain can even give the command.

I hope I’m not too late.

I’m running at full speed, gliding over the landscape. Flecks of snow whirl around me as I blast through, skimming across the powdery ground. I call out to Nightfall in my mind and feel it respond, its reassuring presence touching my right hand.

Over there.

I skid to a halt and make a sharp turn, leaping over a fallen branch. The snow-covered concrete gives way to dirt.

I’ve arrived.

Soft snow trickles from the sky.

The rain of white slowly paints the deserted park, coating the swings and the slides in a layer of cold.

The ground is as white as the sky is black. The stars are as numerous as the flakes spiraling down from the heavens.

The girl stands up from the carcass on the ground. Her face is as pale as the snow. Her silky fair hair dances around her shoulders, playing with the breeze. Her white gown reaches to her knees, shivering in the coldlight.

She wipes the blood from her mouth. A red droplet trickles down her chin and falls onto the ground, staining it. Alone in the white park, the only colour to be seen is the red of her lips and the red of the dead body.

My breath catches in my throat. Despite her monstrous nature, she is beautiful, a princess of the night. I feel the grip on my sword loosen.

She notices me and turns around. Her eyes are also red, like the blood on her lips. They begin to form words.

“Have you come for me?”

I’m frozen in awe for a moment, as frozen as the ground I’m standing on. Her words flew right past my ears.

“Have you come for me?” she asks again, licking the blood away from her mouth.

This time, I’m able to answer.

“Demon,” I say. “Get away from him.”

The girl takes a few steps away from the corpse. I can’t make it out clearly, but it’s probably in the same mangled state as the previous ones.

“This ends tonight,” I declare. “You’ve caused enough trouble as it is. As much as I’d like to, I’m not going to let you increase that bounty of yours any further.”

Her face is expressionless as she softly replies. “You are mistaken.”

For a second, the way she voices it almost makes me doubt myself. Then, as quickly as that thought flickers by, it’s gone.

She almost had me entranced with her appearance alone. I won’t let her do it again.

Without warning I leap forward, Nightfall’s power feeding strength into my limbs. With its aid, the several dozen meters between us are closed in a single bound, a feat incapable of any ordinary human. Now right up in her face, I realize just how beautiful she is.

No. That’s just another of their tools, making them the ultimate predators. It’s exactly the sort of self-defense something like a succubus would use to deter her prey. If I can just bypass this, Nightfall will handle the rest-

Clang.

Moonlight comes and parries my blow.

For a moment, confusion takes over my mind. What just happened?

I look at where Nightfall has stopped, inches away from her body. I thought it was a beam of moonlight, but now I that I’m able to catch a closer glimpse I realize it’s a weapon; a longsword to be precise. Whereas Nightfall is as black as the night, this blade looks as pure and silver as the moon. A shimmering aura of the same colour drifts from it, interweaving with Nightfall’s own blackness.

“A Divine Edge,” I whisper.

It’s not unheard of for a demon to possess such a weapon. After all, they possess souls too – as black as they are. However, this is the first time I’ve ever come across such a pure Edge.

Recovering from my shock, I quickly launch another series of attacks. Each swing cuts swiftly and efficiently towards her, aiming to surpass her guard, but each is blocked effortlessly. The sound of our blades meeting rings across the playground like bells.

This is bad. I’ve already given it everything I’ve got and she’s swatted it aside without batting an eye. It’s not that I’m incompetent – she is just on a completely different level.

I immediately disengage, leaping back a fair distance. This calls for a regrouping and change of plans.

She’s a demon for sure, there’s no doubt about it. No ordinary human could stand in the cold in only a white frock, not to mention the fact that I caught her red-handed – or rather, red-mouthed.

“I’m not your enemy,” she says, still holding the sword before her. “As to whether or not I’m your ally, that remains to be seen.”

Damnit. What do I do? This could all be a trick…

“Take a closer look at him,” she says, interrupting my thoughts. “Do I look like I killed him?”

She steps back, beckoning for me to come closer. After noticing my wary eyes on her sword, she immediately dismisses it and raises her palms, a gesture of good will. I tentatively take one step, and then another forward, until the dead man’s body is right before my shoes.

His chest has been ripped apart as usual, but this time his innards aren’t spilling everywhere. I don’t know if it’s because there weren’t imps around this time, or if the killer is getting smarter.

“It doesn’t look like my work, does it?” she asks. “If I’d killed him, my hands would be stained red.”

She’s got a point. The way the wound was opened looks like it was wrenched open by vicious claws, or extremely long nails. The way her nails are so shortly cut, a wound opened up by those fingers would look completely different.

“Then why?” I ask. “You had his blood on your lips. Are you a scavenger?”

I haven’t completely lowered my guard as I watch her out of the corner of my eye. Even if she most likely outclasses me, I won’t go down without a fight.

“I was trying to determine the time and cause of death,” she explains.

A frown creases my forehead. “From his blood alone?”

It hits me before she can answer.

“You’re a vampire.”

She nods. “I have reason to believe that one of my own is doing the killing. We modern vampires have mostly chosen to integrate with society and become vegetarians – that is, drinking only animal blood, and enough to not kill them. However, feral vampires are victim to their instincts, and therefore will viciously attack the source of the prey’s blood without restraint. As a result, the prey is usually killed outright, their hearts ripped out of their chests.”

“Vegetarian vampires?” I scoff. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard.”

“Just as some humans are vegetarians, some vampires also prefer not to kill living animals. Even if we wanted to, the only way we can survive is by adhering to your rules. Despite our power, humans have proven time and time again that their strength in numbers is not to be underestimated.”

At this rate, I think she would have attacked me by now if she were out to kill me. Dismissing Nightfall, I grab my phone and take aim at the corpse.

“What makes you so sure it’s the work of a feral vampire?” I ask, touching the screen. A bright flash lights up the park and I curse. The girl winces at the light.

“All the blood types of the victims have been O type. To a vampire nothing provides more power and is more delicious than O type blood, so it makes sense for the killer to target these victims, if it’s following its instincts.”

As she says this, a strange hunger takes over her red eyes – but disappears within the blink of an eye. At this moment, I realize my blood type is also O.

Turning flash off, I take another, more successful photo of the corpse. “So why then?” I ask. “We demon hunters aren’t exactly best friends with demons. Why are you helping me?”

“It’s simply in both our best interests,” she says. “ANGEL does not currently know we are coexisting with humans. However, if this feral vampire is allowed to continue on its rampage, our existence may become jeopardized. If they try and flush out a rat from a house and instead find a whole nest, there’s no doubt they’d try and exterminate us – and you’ve experienced first-hand how powerful we are, as low as we number. I’m sure you wouldn’t want a war to kick off right in your hometown.”

…Well, I’m convinced.

“I guess I could use your help,” I say. “Is that all you figured out from that blood sample? Is there anything else?”

The girl looks distractedly to the side. “Huh? Oh, right. The vampire shouldn’t be too far from here. By the time I arrived, the man had only been dead for a few minutes.”

At this moment, something clicks in my mind.

“It could still be here,” I say.

Vampires prefer O-type blood.

My blood type is O.

Two things slam into me at once. The girl, who I’m assuming tried to push me out of the way but was too late to do so, and the feral vampire. We go flying towards the swings in a cluster of skin, nails and hair. My head hits the metallic pole hard.

Before my trembling vision, I can briefly make out the figure of the girl as she shoves the humanoid creature off. She took the brunt of the impact and her white dress is now torn around the waist. I can see a wound that completely goes through her abdomen and out the other side - however, blood flowing from it is already beginning to stem.

I grab ahold of the ground and try to stand up, but my head isn’t having any of it. A sharp pain assaults my stomach, which I instinctively clutch at. My hand comes away red.

I lift my head up and see the girl facing off against the creature. Its hair is uncut and tangled, and its face is gaunt. The ragged garb it wears gives the impression that it hasn’t had a change of clothes since it was born.

My vision blurs, and darkness begins to creep in from the edges. I can’t feel anything – the white ground before me is already starting to darken. Is that dark colour red? I can’t tell. The world is already fading to a monochrome colour.

The last thing I see is the silver blade flaring to life in the girl’s hand.

I feel so cold.


Chapter Four: (Title could potentially spoil so I hid it)
Spoiler:

Chapter Four: Pact

I’m drifting in nothingness. Something warm and comforting is tugging at me, leading me along an invisible path. I don’t know where I am, or how I got here – I just know that it’s warm, and I’m so cold.

I’m dimly aware of sounds and sensations around me, but my brain is too muddled to distinguish them. I hear a girl’s voice, and I feel my body being molested by rough hands. Every time I’m touched, there’s a wrenching at my body. I firmly cling on to the warm presence leading me away.

Damnit… just leave me be…

It feels like I’m underwater – this sensation of drifting, of sounds not quite reaching my ears. It’s like I’m sinking further and further into the ocean.

“Let’s hope this works. You look like you can handle it.”

For some reason, I hear those words clearly. Before I can register what this means, I feel my nostrils being pinched and my mouth being opened.

Leave me alone!

I’m caught between a tug-of-war between what lies outside the realm and what lies inside. Whatever this voice is doing to my body is preventing the presence from whisking me away.

Then, something warm, sticky and… FoUL tips dOwWN my THROatttt-

BURninGG… BURniNng… FiRe in MY thrOAT- PAIN PAIN-

BLIND BliNDinG CAN’T feeEEL HuRTTTT

EverRYTHInG HuRRRTTTTS HURTSS HuRTS hurTS SO mUCH

Pai N my Mi ND Ca NT SE E Fe EE Ls s o PAI Nfu l

CHo KiNG bu RN ING Dro WNINg si Nk INgggg

S IN kIN gg.. . Sin KIN g… sInk I Ng. .. si nnking…

In to.. DaRk.ness..

DarKNess…

***

I wake up.

I’m in a dark room – someone’s bedroom by the looks of it. It’s simply decorated without much furniture – just a desk, a shelf and a bed. I don’t see any possessions or anything of interest which might indicate whose room it is. The books are mostly classical books, ones which I wouldn’t be seen anywhere near.

Wait a second… how am I able to see the titles of those books in the pitch darkness?

The moment I think this, I realize there’s a dull throbbing in my head. My lips are also parched, and my throat is burning.

Water. I need water.

I roll out of bed and try to stand up, but collapse. My naked torso is exposed to the cool room. I realize that my body is burning, and slick with sweat. Thick bandages are wrapped around my abdomen, and I can see a large patch of dried blood which has leaked through.

Need… water…

Just as this thought hits my mind, the door opens and dazzling light fills the room. I cry out in pain, closing my eyes. I can already see black spots dancing around my vision.

“You made it.”

I feel a hand lift me to my feet. Slowly and steadily, I open my eyes – first a tiny squint, and then gradually more and more until my eyes have adjusted to the light.

It’s the girl. Wait, what girl?

Then, the events from that night pass through my head.

“Where am I?” I almost shriek. “What happened? What did you do to me?”

She wordlessly shakes me off and offers her hand which is holding a massive two litre bottle of water. All these questions slip my mind as I yank it from her, guzzling it down in a matter of seconds. Before I know it, half the bottle’s gone and my stomach is bloated. I feel the liquid sloshing around as I hand it back to her.

The parched feeling in my throat is still there. Why? Why am I still thirsty?

“Looks like it worked,” she says. “You’re one of us now.”

My mind must have been incredibly slow, because the signs were painfully obvious. The increased sensitivity to light, the sharp night vision, the unquenchable thirst…

“You… turned me… into a vampire,” I whisper. My knees give way beneath me and I sink to the floor.

It’s over. I’m a demon now, one of them. There’s no way ANGEL will maintain ties with me. How am I going to tell Mum and Judith? How am I going to live with them without thirsting for their blood?

“You bitch,” I say. “You did this… this was your plan all along wasn’t it!?”

I’m on my feet before I know it. I’ve grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her against the wall, pinning her. She doesn’t respond, or try to resist.

“I didn’t plan for any of this. It was just bad luck,” she replies coolly.

I’m trembling. She looks at me with her deep red eyes, eyes which mine are probably now the same colour as.

Shit. What am I doing? This isn’t like me…

I release her and step back, panting. There are dark bruises on her shoulders where my hands were, but right before my eyes they begin to lighten and fade away.

“Drink this,” she says, holding out another, smaller bottle of red liquid. “You’ll feel better.”

I hesitantly take the bottle. “What type of blood is this?”

“It’s not human blood, rest assured.”

I’m still doubtful, but my thirst gets the better of me. I grab the bottle and down it without taking a breath.

“Is this water?” I ask. It tastes exactly the same as the bottle she’d given me earlier.

No… but this time, my thirst is gone.

“It’s animal blood. I haven’t experienced this first hand, but from what I hear, it’s like a nicotine patch for a chain smoker. It fulfils our needs, but not our wants – and will never be as satisfying as the real thing.”

I stare at the empty bottles in my hand. I’ve calmed down a lot, and can now think clearly. The throbbing in my head is gone. The first thing that comes to my mind is how I’m going to hide my recently attained status.

“That feral vampire pierced right through us both,” she now says, beginning to answer my questions. “I survived because of our accelerated recovery at night – but you were fatally wounded. The only way was to turn you into one of us, by feeding you my blood.”

So that was what the sensation was. She’d bled herself and turned me into one of them. I still shudder at the memory of the pain I was subjected to back then.

“What about the feral vampire?” I ask. “Did you kill him?”

She shook her head. “The moment I drew my Divine Edge, it fled. It must have realized it would die if it continued to face me.”

Divine Edge. Would mine still work?

“You will still be able to use yours,” she says, as if reading my mind. “Your soul is still the same. It is merely your body that has changed.”

I slump down onto the side of the bed. I just feel tired now.

“So what do I need to know now that I’m a vampire?” I ask. “There’re probably a few secrets you hold that aren’t in ANGEL’s monster manual. Am I going to be vulnerable to garlic? Running water? The holy cross?”

The girl gives a small smile. “No, nothing like that. Firstly, you are only a half-vampire – as such, your strengths and weaknesses will be diminished compared to true vampires. You will be stronger in the day than a full blooded vampire, but weaker in the night. Your pupils will be more sensitive to light and will take longer to adjust to changes in brightness. You will need to feed at least once a week or risk going mad with craving. In exchange for this, you will gain heightened senses, strength and speed. Your body’s self-healing speed will improve phenomenally at night, and you will be resistant to cold. Other than that, everything else will remain the same – you need sleep, food and water, just like an ordinary human.”

“What about my physical appearance?” I ask. “Do I get fangs? Can I turn into a bat or a wolf?”

Her eyes narrow. “No. When Bram Stoker wrote Dracula, he glorified many aspects of our race. The only physical differences are our red eyes, which we can cover with contact lenses. Rest assured your friends and family will not be able to tell the difference.”

She steps out into the corridor, gesturing for me to come after her. I tentatively do so, covering my eyes as they adjust to a new level of lighting.

“You need to get some food inside you,” she says. “You haven’t eaten for almost two days.”

I almost stop dead in my tracks. “Hold on… two days?”

The girl nods. “The transition from human to half-vampire takes a while. It took longer than most for you probably because you are a Divine Edge wielder and thus your soul is bonded more strongly to your body, which is why it reacted more harshly to the change and tried to reject it.”

Ugh… Mum and Judith are going to be worried sick if I don’t tell them anything…

“I told your mother you got drunk at a party and were crashing at my place,” she mentions.

“Wh-What? How did you get my number?”

“Your wallet.”

…Of course. I keep my home phone number in there just in case anything happens. Guess it was the right call this time - though I’m not sure how my family would react to me staying over at a girl’s place.

“Eat up.”

We’ve arrived at the kitchen. There are three boxes of pizza stacked on the benchtop. It’s only after the heavenly scent reaches my nostrils that I realize just how hungry I am.

“It’s on the house,” she says in response to my look. “I put you through this so I have to take some form of responsibility.”

That was all I needed. Without restraint, I open the lid of the first box.

It’s a vegetarian pizza.

Putting that aside for now, I open the next one… and the one after that.

They’re all the same.

“Why…?” I ask. “Where’s the meat?”

“I’m not sure you’d like it,” she says. “Vampires don’t eat meat.”

I stare hungrily at the pizza. I hate vegetables, but right now I’m so hungry I could eat anything. I grab three pieces at once and begin stuffing my face in a very un-gentlemanlike manner.

“Why’s that?” I ask, not even bothering to empty my mouth before I speak. Screw manners, I’m too hungry for that.

“To a vampire, a piece of meat devoid of blood is the most tasteless thing you can imagine,” the girl says, slightly wincing as a crumb of pizza nearly hits her. “If I were to describe it… it tastes like a packet of chips without the chips.”

I’m still a bit dubious, but I suppose there’ll be plenty of time to experiment when I get home. It’s barely been a few minutes, and I’ve already finished two of the pizzas. I’m not sure if it’s because of my hunger or my status as a half-vampire, but I feel like there’s no end to my stomach.

“Bran Lietmann.”

At the sound of my name being called, I stop. “Hm?”

“You have a younger sister, right?”

I carefully nod. “How did you know?”

I didn’t think I’d left any hints about her in my wallet.

“Just a guess. You look like a responsible elder brother.”

“Uh… thanks.”

That reminds me. I still don’t know this girl’s name.

“What do I call you by the way?”

She replies as if she’s been waiting for me to ask for all this time. “Alice. Alice Vancratt.”

Alice is about to extend a hand, but thinks better of it when she sees how greasy mine are.

“How old are you? One hundred? Two hundred?”

Her face twitches, but other than that she reveals nothing else of her annoyance. “That’s a rude question to ask, Bran. I’ll have you know vampires age normally like humans, despite having a natural immunity to disease. I am seventeen years and six months old, a few months younger than you.”

I feel my face flushing as she berates me. I guess I deserved that.

It doesn’t take much longer before I finish my meal. I look longingly at the empty boxes, but my body is already telling me it’s full.

“So now what?” I ask. “I should probably head home before Mum gets worried. It’s still Sunday morning, right?”

“There’s one thing we have to do before that,” Alice replies. “We’d best get this over and done with. After this we can work out the other details, like how to catch the feral vampire.”

“And what might this thing be?” I ask. I’m feeling extremely content after satisfying all of my body’s urges. At this point, I’m up for anything.

“I have to introduce you to my father.”

…almost anything.

1
Xenon FAKKU Writer
Very interesting development in chapter 3. I thought it was enthralling at first, but realize it might be a bit cliche. The idea of a "vegetarian" vampire girl screams "Twilight" to me, but, I'll let you get away with it, I suppose. Also, the flash of a camera would undoubtedly make a dead body in the night easier the see in the photo, not harder.

You may also want to further develop the paragraphs beginning with "She nods." and "It’s simply in both our best interests," as they scream "mandatory exposition" to me. The perception can be different for every reader, but to me there are parts there where she stops being the alluring pure white, yet taboo, demon/vampire and starts becoming a monotonous and robotic narrator. Needless to say you don't want that happening. My suggestion is to stretch it out, or show emotion in her explanation, that she display a distaste for sharing that information with an outsider but will do so in order to avert a dangerous situation and unnecessary fighting.

Chapter 4, an interesting literary expression with the intermediary capital letters and irregular spacing. I'm not too opposed when writers try to experiment with intentional irregularity.

It was interesting, but also expected, playing out exactly as these kinds of stories usually do. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing, since some people crave for these kinds of stories, but I like the unique parts that you put emphasis on, such as ANGEL, the Divine Edges, bounty hunting in modern day, those sorts of things.

Not to be crude or anything, but I do find it funny that despite being near-eighteen year-olds in a slip of fate that thrust them together, likely for their entire lives, that they are devoid of any sexual tension. But if it's coming then you'll make this hopeful romantic a happy man. No pressure though, and ignore me if you don't plan on it, but I'm a sucker for those sorts of situations if you couldn't tell already from my avatar.

Will look forward to the next chapter.
1
Yanker I read hentai for plot
Xenon wrote...
Very interesting development in chapter 3. I thought it was enthralling at first, but realize it might be a bit cliche. The idea of a "vegetarian" vampire girl screams "Twilight" to me, but, I'll let you get away with it, I suppose. Also, the flash of a camera would undoubtedly make a dead body in the night easier the see in the photo, not harder.

You may also want to further develop the paragraphs beginning with "She nods." and "It’s simply in both our best interests," as they scream "mandatory exposition" to me. The perception can be different for every reader, but to me there are parts there where she stops being the alluring pure white, yet taboo, demon/vampire and starts becoming a monotonous and robotic narrator. Needless to say you don't want that happening. My suggestion is to stretch it out, or show emotion in her explanation, that she display a distaste for sharing that information with an outsider but will do so in order to avert a dangerous situation and unnecessary fighting.



Thanks again for the input; you make a very logical argument which I agree with. I had some fears about her dialogue being too expositional, and I will try to go back and edit/add more. Of course, since I've already posted the chapter I won't go back and repost unless I've made substantial changes. This is a first draft after all, and first drafts are far from perfect.

I also avoided the sexual tension because I thought it might get too angsty and stuff (like Twilight). There are enough spineless blushing male protagonists as is and I feel like the 'she's too close' or 'walking around half-dressed' stuff is overdone.
2
Yanker I read hentai for plot
Just finished Chapter Five after procrastinating for a day. I hope this doesn't count as a double post - I'm not quite sure on the rules for those so let me know if I broke them

Chapter Five: The Blood Lord

Spoiler:

The gaping entrance in the side of the wall is dark and seems to stretch on forever. I can’t seem to make out where it ends, even with my recently attained night vision.

“In here?” I mutter, trying not to breathe in the putrid stench.

Alice nods. We followed the Ashbrook River a fair distance away from the city and are now standing before what is supposed to be the entrance to the sewers. The ground is muddy (at least I hope it’s mud) and wet, but thankfully the water level isn’t particularly high. It stopped snowing a while back and the sun’s come out to shine, much to my annoyance. I now know what Alice meant when she said we were †˜weaker’ in the sun – I feel a light tinge of lethargy following me everywhere I go, one that was never present before.

Alice takes one more look around, making sure we weren’t followed, and heads fearlessly into the dark. She hasn’t been walking for long when she looks back and realizes I haven’t taken a single step.

“Come on, you’ll get used to the smell,” she urges.

I swallow. It’s not the smell that puts me off…

“Coming,” I yelp. I have to put on a brave front before her.

As we head deeper and deeper into the tunnel, the light behind us gradually shrinks to a small white dot. My lethargy is gone but replaced by another, worse feeling. Despite the coolness, I’m beginning to sweat.

“How long is it going to take?” I ask, trying not to keep my voice under control. Alice glances back with a puzzled look.

“We aren’t even halfway there yet.”

She stops and takes a few steps towards me, bringing her face up close.

“You’re sweating,” she says. “Are you feeling alright?”

Before I can respond that I’m as right as rain, she presses a cool palm to my forehead. My heart was already thumping like a jackhammer – and she’s making it worse.

“J-just keep going,” I stammer. “I don’t want to waste any more time here.”

“If you say so.”

We continue to hike forward in the darkness, each step bouncing around the walls until it sounds like there’s an army marching in the pipeline. Every so often we hear the scampering of small feet and the splashing of water thrown into the mix.

The deeper we go, the more my feeling of anxiety grows. The darkness is never-ending and smothers me like a blanket. What if we get lost? What if the tunnel collapses? What if it floods and drowns? Are we going to starve to death? Just the thought of being buried here, deep under the ground away from civilization never to be found again is-

“Bran. I can hear your heartbeat.”

The sound of her footsteps stop and she turns back to me. Now that she mentions it, I can hear it too.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Alice examines me with her warm red eyes. “Could it be… that you’re claustro-“

“I’m fine!”

My voice comes out louder than I expected. Echoes of †˜I’m fine’ ricochet along the walls, multiplying in intensity and number until a legion of them are speaking back to me, as if to mock my fear.

I’m not familiar with the capabilities of a full-blooded vampire’s night vision, but I hope it’s not powerful enough for her to be able to see my face. From what I’ve learned in biology from Mrs. Kuksal the retina’s rods are responsible for night vision, and they only perceive in shades of grey. If Alice could see the colour of my face now, I’m sure it would be as red as a beetroot.

Alice quietly comes back to my side and grabs my hand. As much as I hate myself for it, her touch is a comforting and reassuring presence. I feel the pulsing of my heart slowly die down until I’m breathing normally again.

“It’s not far now,” she says softly before tugging on my hand. Looking at my feet, I allow myself to be led by her.

One step at a time she takes me through the tunnels, twisting and turning. She must have been along this route countless times to be able to remember it so perfectly. Every single path looks identical and I have no doubt that if she were to disappear right here, right now, I would never find my way back.

After what seems like an eternity we come to a halt before a wall. The material comprising the dead end is exactly the same as the slick sides of the tunnel and nothing stands out from it.

Alice steps up to the wall and feels along its surface until her fingers apparently find something. She presses what looks like a single brick amongst many, which sinks in and begins to shake. Like a scene out of a movie the wall shudders as gears and mechanisms begin to turn. I watch in fascination as the wall slides to one side, revealing an even darker passageway behind it. There’s a delicious aroma wafting from it, one which almost makes me forget my claustrophobia.

“We’re pretty much here,” she says reassuringly. “Just a little more.”

I find my eyes unwillingly drawn to her hand.

No. What sort of man am I if I can’t even manage this?

Taking a deep breath to steel myself, I head into the darkness.

True to her word, this passageway only stretches for a few metres before widening into a hallway. From what I can make out with my nightvision it looks like some sort of outdated eighteenth century cathedral. There are torches hung on the walls, but they shed little light on the area.

At the sound of my entrance, I hear the shuffling of footsteps ahead of me before an old man appears from the aisles. He’s incredibly pale but looks well-fed and has quite a lot of meat on his bones. There’s a heavenly scent around him, one that tugs at my stomach. I wonder if anyone would notice if he went missing-

All of a sudden I realize what I’ve been thinking and shake my head. Was I seriously looking at this person as if he was a walking meal?

“My lady! I see you have returned. What brings you here today?”

“Kenneth,” Alice greets from behind me. “Doing well?”

The man nods.

“Where’s Father? Dinner?”

“Ah, they just finished a few minutes ago. They’re feeding now, I believe.”

Feeding? But didn’t they just finish dinner-

“Are you a human?” I ask.

Kenneth nods, giving a jolly smile. “That I am. Who might you be? Bringing another newborn here, Alice?”

“Pretty much. I know I promised I wouldn’t after what happened last time, but…” Her voice breaks off.

“You don’t need to explain to me,” Kenneth says with a shake of his head. “I’m sure you’ll have your hands full explaining to your father after all.”

She nods in response and strides down the aisle, turning towards a door on one end. Turning expectantly to me, she waits patiently as I make my way to her side.

“What is this place?” I whisper, peering around warily as if the walls had ears.

“It’s the hideout of our clan. We’ve been here for several generations, ever since we first retreated underground.”

“It shows,” I mutter, brushing away a web that plastered itself onto my face.

“As soon as we get things sorted out with Father, I’ll let you go home.”

The sounds of chatter slowly grow as we walk into a large dining hall. The delicious scent hangs heavily in the air and before I know it I’ve quickened my pace. I can’t focus on anything except what my ears and nose are picking up. I can’t even remember what I was doing here in the first place-

“Bran!”

I feel something tighten around my hand and almost lash out, until I realize it’s Alice. I’m standing in front of a woman sitting on a seat, red blood still oozing from a piercing in her forearm. She looks at me with a puzzled look on her face.

“Sh-shit,” I curse, confused and ashamed. “Sorry.”

There are several of these people seated around the long table, and they’re all bleeding. There’s a man going around to each of them, extracting blood into small glass vials. If we weren’t all the way underground in this ancient place, I could have easily mistaken him for a doctor taking a blood sample.

“Be careful not to lose control here,” Alice says. “These are all humans, with O type blood too. If you want to feed, you’ll have to wait in line.”

She gestures at where all the noise and chatter is coming from – a large group of people hanging by a large fireplace. I instinctively know that these people are all vampires.

“You use them as livestock,” I whisper.

Suddenly, I feel sick.

“There are some among us who must have human blood,” she says. “In exchange for food and shelter, we take in the homeless and take blood from them.”

“I thought you were a vegetarian,” I accuse.

“I am. I stay away from human blood.”

I gulp and look again at the circle of humans. Some of them are giving me odd looks, some of them are ignoring me entirely and some are simply focused on eating the leftovers placed before them.

“Think of it as mutualism,” Alice says. “They agree to this deal willingly. Both sides stand to benefit.”

“Just take me to your father already,” I grit through my teeth. I’d gladly return to the sewers if it meant there was no temptation of accidental cannibalism.

Alice dips her head and continues to walk past the hall, never releasing my hand. It’s something I can focus on, to take my mind off my reawakened hunger.

We end up inside another dimly lit room, lined by bookshelves on all sides. A desk lies in the centre of the room and a man sits before it with a fountain pen in his hand. His slick white hair is combed back, and he is wearing a crisp suit.

“Who is this?” he asks, sniffing the air. “I don’t recognize him.”

“Father… I’ve…”

It’s the first time seeing Alice like this. She’s at a loss for words.

“He smells like you. Don’t tell me you Initiated someone else?”

His voice is cold and quiet, but I can feel its edge. He’s angry.

“I’m sorry. He was about to die-“

“Then you should have let him. You made this mistake once, why do it again?”

He finally looks up, and I nearly take a step back from the force of his gaze. His glowing red eyes burn with a ferocity I’ve never seen before – it feels like I’m staring right into the eyes of death itself.

“He’s a member of ANGEL, and possesses a Divine Edge… I thought we could use his help in tracking down the feral demon.”

The man gets up and walks around to stand before me. I can feel his eyes staring me up and down, examining every inch of my body.

“Have you forgotten why I asked you to refrain from increasing the size of our family even further?”

“I-“

“As the Blood Lord, I have a responsibility to keep all my subordinates in line. The more people you share your blood with, the more potential there will be for someone to contest me.”

Alice meekly nods. She seems like a completely different person in front of her father – gone is the stoic, apathetic girl who saved me, and in her place is a small child being scolded for doing something wrong.

“Hit her.”

For a second, I thought I misheard. The man’s eyes bore into me, shaking my core as he commands me.

“Her?” I ask, pointing to Alice.

He nods. “Punish her for me.”

I turn to Alice, who is deliberately avoiding my gaze.

“Sorry, Sir. I think domestic violence is wrong.”

Instead of lashing out at me or something similar, the man sighs. Taken off guard, I decide to ask a few questions of my own.

“Who are you?”

“It’s as I thought… I have no control over you.”

He straightens up and looks down at me. “I am Ian Vancratt, Alice’s father. I am also the head of this clan - the Blood Lord. It seems like you are to be the latest addition to our family.”

“What did Alice do wrong?” I press. “She saved my life. Despite being the sworn enemy of a demon, I owe her.”

Ian whips his hand to the side without warning, catching Alice square on the cheek. The slap is like a thunderclap, and sends her sprawling into a bookshelf. Several books fall from their place, but she doesn’t respond.

“What was that for?” I yell. “You didn’t need to do that.”

“What is your name, boy?”

I step backwards. “Bran Lietmann.”

“Bran. If you had a daughter who disobeyed you, what would you do?”

I don’t even need to think. “I’d explain to her why what she did was wrong, and urge her never to do it again.”

“And what if she repeated that mistake?”

My mouth is already open, but I can’t find a proper response. What would I do? If my child continued to disobey me?

“This is not the first time Alice has Initiated humans into our clan,” he says. “I let her off lightly last time. This time I may not be so forgiving.”

“What’s wrong with that?” I protest.

“I told you to hit her, and you didn’t. If I asked any of my other subordinates, they would have done so whether they wanted to or not. You see, as it turns out, anyone within the clan who does not share the blood of the leader is forced to obey their command. I’m sure you see where I’m going with this.”

I remain silent, going over to help Alice to her feet. She intentionally avoids looking me in the eye.

“All vampires in the Vancratt clan are bound to me by an oath. They cannot disobey me, even if they try. The only way I can be overthrown is by one of my own family… or anyone they Initiate. Before Alice did anything, she was the only one capable of this – but now there are two others.”

He throws a look of disdain at his daughter.

“I… I won’t do it again,” she says quietly, looking down. “I’m sorry.”

“Apologies won’t fix the problem,” Ian spits, his voice gradually growing louder. “We already lost track of that other runt. If I get killed, do you realize you’ll be next? As a Blood Princess, your fate is linked with mine!”

“I’ll take full responsibility!” Alice suddenly cries. “I’ll make sure he doesn’t step out of line!”

“What makes you think that?” Ian roars back. I’ve now been excluded from the argument – it’s a verbal showdown between father and daughter. “You said so yourself, he’s from ANGEL! He’s a Demon Hunter, he specializes in killing us! What if he reveals our secrets to the officials?”

“I’ll kill him then,” she replies without hesitation. A chill runs up my spine at the sound of those words. “He can’t possibly be a match for Moonlight.”

Ian stays still, breathing heavily. An uneasy silence passes between the three of us, only broken by the clamour from the dining hall.

“You’re positive he’ll be able to help take down that feral vampire?” he finally asks.

“Yes,” Alice responds immediately.

“You’re taking full responsibility?”

“I am.”

Ian knits his brows. “All the other men I’ve sent have proven themselves incompetent. As my daughter and the strongest in the clan after myself, I fully expect you to be able to handle this yourself. Whether you enlist his aid or not, I expect this feral vampire to be taken care of swiftly and efficiently. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes Father.”

“Good.” Turning away from her, he returns his gaze to me. I shift unconsciously on the spot.

“My daughter believes you have the potential to be of use for us, so I will allow you to leave for now…”

I’m just about to let out a sigh of relief, until he finishes his sentence.

“…if you can pass my test.”

There’s always a test isn’t there?

“If you can defeat one of my men in combat, then I will allow you to leave.”

“What does it mean to defeat someone?” I ask, dread creeping up my spine.

Ian fixates his eyes on me. “You have to kill them, of course.”
1
You're writing too fast and I'm reading too slow! Sorry, but school's been Hell. My major has me constantly doing research on sources and the like and writing about them. By the time I get home, I don't want to do either... I promise I'll read it when I get a chance and update this post. Sorry again...
1
Xenon FAKKU Writer
Yanker wrote...
Just finished Chapter Five after procrastinating for a day. I hope this doesn't count as a double post - I'm not quite sure on the rules for those so let me know if I broke them


Those rules are really only in place for more active locations, or for errors in post submission where the posts are identical. We don't really care about them at all here if they are story or series updates and not the above mentioned situations.

That said, interesting chapter, getting to see a bit more about the vampire clan and how it functions. Not sure if the Blood Lord is a good leader or a bad one. Clearly an insecure one if he wants to do everything within his power to hold onto his position. I suppose we shall see. Looking forward to seeing more about this test and how it will go down.

Also, thought I'd point this out since it seems like an error:

Yanker wrote...
“How long is it going to take?” I ask, trying not to keep my voice under control. Alice glances back with a puzzled look.
1
Yanker I read hentai for plot
crazr wrote...
You're writing too fast and I'm reading too slow! Sorry, but school's been Hell. My major has me constantly doing research on sources and the like and writing about them. By the time I get home, I don't want to do either... I promise I'll read it when I get a chance and update this post. Sorry again...


No worries, man. I wouldn't mind at all if you just checked back once a week or even a month... or not at all (no offense will be taken at this). I'll be sure to have plenty of content ready for you whenever you check back!


Xenon wrote...
Also, thought I'd point this out since it seems like an error:

Yanker wrote...
“How long is it going to take?” I ask, trying not to keep my voice under control. Alice glances back with a puzzled look.



And thanks for pointing that out Xenon!
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