Blood Princess

Yanker · 2016-01-23T02:23:13-01:00

Hello, everyone! I'm going to try my hand at writing a novel again. I've started plenty but never actually finished any, so I'm going to hope that by posting here I'll be motivated to actually finish something. Any and all feedback is appreciated, even if it's just a comment to say how much you liked or hated it. I'll just mention that the style may not be everyone's cup of tea - I'm writing this in a visual novel/light novel style, aimed at teens. So without further ado, here's the first chapter! BLOOD PRINCESS Prologue Spoiler: Soft snow trickles from the sky. The rain of white slowly paints the deserted park, coating the swings and the slides in a layer of cold. The ground is as white as the sky is black. The stars are as numerous as the flakes spiraling down from the heavens. The girl stands up from the carcass on the ground. Her face is as pale as the snow. Her silky fair hair dances around her shoulders, playing with the breeze. Her white gown reaches to her knees, shivering in the coldlight. She wipes the blood from her mouth. A red droplet trickles down her chin and falls onto the ground, staining it. Alone in the white park, the only color to be seen is the red of her lips and the red of the dead body. My breath catches in my throat. Despite her monstrous nature, she is beautiful, a princess of the night. I feel the grip on my sword loosen. She notices me and turns around. Her eyes are also red, like the blood on her lips. They begin to form words. “Have you come for me?” Chapter One: Two sides of the Coin Spoiler: “Alright everyone, take your positions on the starting line!” Mr. Croyal, our ironically overweight PE teacher ushers us towards the field. “That includes you, Bran. Get off your lazy ass and hope you make the time.” I sigh and stand up from my position on the sidelines. Every year, Fifth Hill High enforces a compulsory fitness test – to run a mile within six minutes. If you fail, you have to undergo a mandatory program after school to get you back in shape. It’s a reasonable test by all means – I’m just not in the mood to run. “Gonna come last again, Bran?” Leo shoots me a smirk. Every single year I’ve always barely made the cut, coming in just at five minutes fifty-nine. It’s not that I can’t go faster, I just can’t be bothered. I wordlessly step up to the starting line, which is now crowded with the thirty-odd people in class 3-C. On the bright side, this’ll be the last time I ever have to do this - unless university decides to implement the same program. “On your mark…” The students around me are casually chattering as usual. No one’s ever failed the test before, so their lack of concern is understandable. “Set…” I take a deep breath. “GO!” The front liners immediately bolt off into the distance. I struggle to emerge from the back, which is crowded by the majority of the class. Something shoves into me from the side, pushing me with such force that I go sprawling into the cold dirt. I slowly look up, seeing Leo’s grin before he disappears off into the distance. He must have deliberately started from the back to sabotage me, knowing he would easily come first. It wasn’t a race by any means, but some people just have to win. “Bran! Get up, you’re going to fall behind!” Dennis extends a hand towards me. “It’s alright. I’ll make it.” “Are you sure?” He’s really concerned. The mile isn’t a problem for Dennis either; so he can afford to try and help me. That’s just the sort of friend he is. “Yeah. Just go.” Dennis gives one more worried look before racing off into the distance. The group is nearly a hundred meters away, and people have begun to drift apart according to their physical abilities. Despite his start, Leo is already at the forefront, nearly a whole lap completed. “Come on, Bran. Don’t be the first one to fail this course, you’ll make me look bad,” Croyal growls from the sidelines. I guess it can’t be helped. I pull myself up to my feet and take off. My back foot sinks a little in the dirt from the force of my kick-off. The ground begins to blur into a mix of white snow and brown dirt as I pick up speed. Without even realizing it, the adrenaline has begun to kick in. Ah, to hell with it. It’s my last year, anyway. I feel my heart pumping in my veins, providing a constant source of blood to my limbs as the distance between me and the group up ahead lessens. Within seconds, I’ve passed them. I hear a few shouts of surprise, but they’re lost in the roar of the wind. One lap down. I’ve successfully caught up to the pack – there’s no way I’ll fail now. But that’s not my goal. I continue to run, my feet moving like a blur across the field. There are three more laps to go, and I’ve nearly halved the distance between Leo and I. Leo is an experienced athlete, probably the best in the school – but he’s only ever run to win races. That’s where the difference between us lies. I’ve run to escape death, and to seek it. The field curves away from me as I round the bend to the final lap. I’ve caught up to him now, and he shoots me a look of surprise out of the corner of his eye. Both of us are breathing hard, our bodies reaching their limits. If I’d started at the same time as him, I would have easily overtaken him. “How…?” he gasps between breaths. I ignore him and focus on my breathing. The rhythmic thump of our legs striking the ground echoes in my ears. The pounding of my heart blocks out all sounds from the outside world. Before I know it, I’ve passed the finish line, several meters ahead of Leo. We both collapse onto the ground, sucking in air as if our lives depend on it. I see small black spots dancing around my vision. “F-Four minutes thirty seconds,” Croyal breathes. “No way…” It wasn’t surprising for Leo – but I had started at least fifteen seconds behind everyone else. The current world record for something like this was about three minutes forty, and for mere high school students even breaking four minutes forty was a feat in itself. Of course, I could have gone a lot faster if I borrowed Nightfall’s power, but then that would be cheating. “Why aren’t you in the track team?” Croyal mutters. “With you, we’d probably be able to reach the nationals without a problem.” I shrug. Sports never interested me that much – in fact, nothing really did. Leo is still panting, although he’s regained some of his posture. He wordlessly stands up and hobbles back to the outskirts of the field, picking up his bottle of water. I head after him, just as the next batch of runners begin finishing up. *** “Amazing,” Dennis says. “I never would have thought you were so good at running.” We’re at our lockers, changing shoes before we go home. Around us, students are eagerly discussing plans for the afternoon, the weekend, or club activities. I’m not part of any clubs, so I usually just go straight home. “I run a little every so often,” I say. Which isn’t a complete lie. I finish slipping on my sneakers. Dennis gives me a look full of admiration. “Are you sure you don’t want to try out track? We really could do with someone like you.” I shake my head. “Thanks for the offer, but I’ll pass. I’m really tired, I just want to go home and get some shut-eye.” “You’re always tired. And hungry, too.” “Well, I am a growing boy after all.” Dennis smiles and waves. “Alright then. Guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” “Yep. Later.” *** As usual, Mum isn’t home. She’s probably going to be working another late night shift at the hospital – it’s been like this ever since Dad passed away. The world can be a cruel place – one simple action, like drink driving, can change the lives of several people forever. “I’m home,” I call out, as I take off my shoes. Tossing my bag to the side, I immediately collapse onto the floor and close my eyes. It’s not long before I hear the sound of footsteps approaching. Something tickles my face; something that smells and feels familiar. I open one eye to find my little sister staring at me. “Hungry?” she asks. I push her veil of black hair away from my face and sit up. “Yeah. Very.” “I cooked something for you. You’re working again tonight, aren’t you?” I nod, following Judith into the kitchen. “You really shouldn’t push yourself too much. It makes me feel terrible seeing both you and Mum like this.” “Don’t worry about it,” I brush her off. “I’m just helping her lighten the load, that’s all.” Judith places a plate of rice and boiled vegetables before me. “Oh come on. Where’s the meat?” I grumble. “Please, Bran. You eat enough of that for breakfast and lunch. You need some greens to stay healthy.” I grumpily dig at the carrot slices. Vegetables aren’t at the top of my list of favorite foods – then again, that probably goes for most people my age. Except Judith – but that’s because she only has vegetables on her list. “Come on, eat up,” she said. “Carrots help your night vision, you know.” I stick a piece in my mouth and immediately wash it down with plenty of rice and water. “How do you stand this?” I ask. “It tastes terrible.” “The things that taste worst are usually the best for you.” “They’re sometimes the worst too.” I continue to munch on the food. Judith just watches me from across the table. “Aren’t you going to have some?” I offer a spoonful of the dreaded substance. “I’m not hungry yet. I have a normal sleeping cycle, unlike you.” Fair enough. “So how was your day?” I ask, attempting to make conversation. “Good.” She’s looking at her phone screen, scrolling down her notifications. I guess she’s not in the mood to talk. Ah well. At least I tried. “Thanks for the meal,” I say, shoveling the rest of the meal down my throat. “Appreciate it.” “Sleep well, bro.” And just like that, the day passes. *** Sometime during the night, my alarm blares to life. I quickly stop it before I wake anyone up, and get dressed. It’s exactly midnight – when my day begins. I quietly head out into the dark living room, slipping on a warm winter jacket. It’s been snowing a lot recently, unfortunately for me. It’s incredibly hard to move with speed and agility on snow, especially when your feet sink with each step. Judith is sprawled over the table, sleeping. Her textbooks and stationery are scattered around her – she must have been studying late into the night again. “And you tell us to take it easy,” I murmur with a smile. I take the coat from the back of her seat and gently drape it around her shoulders. The door to Mum’s room is still open, so she probably hasn’t returned yet. Taking one last look around the house, I make sure all the windows are locked, the taps closed and the stoves turned off before I leave. The cold winter air hits me like a truck when I step outside. I only ever feel truly active at night – ironically enough, when my prey are also at their most active. Specks of white are lightly drifting down from the grey skies, covering the earth in a fresh layer of snow. I catch a flake on my tongue. It tastes sweet. The neighborhood is quiet, as it should be at this time of the night. The streets are deserted, a frozen landscape of unmoving white. I slowly trudge through the snow towards the city, beginning my patrol. We humans are not alone in this world. The very fact that people dismiss them as myths just shows how cunning and intelligent they are. Vampires, werewolves, trolls, imps, goblins, gnomes… these monsters existed in real life and still exist now. They’ve just learned to conceal traces of their passing and live alongside us. Together, they are grouped under the umbrella term †˜demons’. And I am a demon hunter. I can already smell blood when I reach the city. Something has been on the hunt tonight. In fact, it’s been hunting for several days now. Following my instincts, I stride into one of the numerous back alleys around Ashbrook. The stench grows stronger, permeating through the air and invading my senses. I wrap my jacket closer around me to ward from the cold and forge onward. Upon turning the corner, I see them. There are five of them – a pack no doubt. They are small beings, hunched over a carcass in the darkness. Small horns protrude from their scaly skin, and their lips are coated with blood. In the day, they would most likely take the form of young children. In the night, they would come out to feed. The imps raise their heads towards me. I immediately know that they weren’t the ones who killed this person. Imps are scavengers, like vultures, and only eat leftovers. However when they feel threatened, they won’t hesitate to attack – especially when they have the advantage in numbers. They must think I’m just an ordinary boy. The lead imp makes the decision, removing itself from the mutilated corpse. Bits and pieces of flesh still line its lips as it snarls quietly. I face them head on in the lightless alleyway. “Come to me, Nightfall,” I whisper. I feel a tugging at my conscious as my Divine Edge flares to life in my right hand. This is the meaning of what it is to be a demon hunter. This is the power we possess, which allows us to fight, and become the hunters. The black blade is cool to the touch. A black, misty aura surrounds it, singing of death and darkness. I feel its power coursing through me, a familiar presence in my body. It is a manifestation of my soul after all. The imps seem taken aback by the summoning of Nightfall, but it’s too late for them to retreat. As one, the five shapes come flying towards me, fangs bared. I take one step forward. I’ve fought countless demons, and these imps are small fry compared to what I’ve seen. Bringing Nightfall around I cleave effortlessly through the first one, twist to dodge the next two, and slam the pommel into the fourth one. The fifth imp manages to rake its claws across my cheek, but doesn’t do anything more than that. Feeling the cold air biting in my wound, I quickly lunge forward and stab into that imp’s head. Wrenching it out, I then whirl around to avoid two swipes before decapitating their owners in one swing. Heads fall onto the ground, landing in a bloody heap. Only one imp remains, the one which I’d stunned with the pommel of my hilt. Fear lines its scaly face as it turns to flee, but I catch up to it in three quick strides and impale it. The falling snow is already beginning to bury the dead bodies, but the red leaking from them won’t be hidden that easily. Wiping the blood from my cheek, I head over to where the dead body is. It’s a man. His body has been torn apart, and I can see his lifeless innards inside his torso. Bits and pieces have been ripped out, no doubt by the imps, but I can tell that the majority of the damage was caused before they arrived. It looks to be the same work as the other murders – the telltale shredding of the torso tells me that much. The man is also missing a surprising amount of blood. Nightfall shimmers and dissipates as I unsummon it. Turning back to the five imp corpses, I snap a photo with my smartphone before punching a number in. The tone rings for a bit before someone answers. “I’ve got a mess that needs cleaning up,” I say. “Better hurry up, before anyone else comes.”

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Yanker I read hentai for plot

8 years ago

d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...

Does this scene take place immediately after the end of the last chapter? At the end, you mentioned the sun was rising so if this is a direct continuation of that chapter, there's no way that could be happening as early as 3AM..

Uh... oh crap, I totally screwed up. Good pick-up!

Given the nature of the world, I'm having trouble believing that once the canyon is discovered, ANGEL wouldn't send someone to investigate it to see if demons were involved or something like that.

I guess that's correct. Maybe they won't have enough solid evidence to prove it was done by demons? Guess it boils down to suspension of disbelief again. It's hard to put in large scale battles when everything's supposed to be all hush-hush.

And this chapter ends with the promise of a date and I can see the next chapter is labeled "A Date Gone Horribly Wrong." Can't help but grin a little at that.

If things didn't go wrong it wouldn't be as interesting, would it? :D

d(^_^)(^_^)d

8 years ago

Holy shit, it does not feel like it's been over two months since I read the last chapter. I'm going to make more of an effort to get through the rest of this in a more timely manner. Anyway, I read chapter 13. It didn't really go the way I expected it to at first. I was expecting what happened at the end to happen sooner. I don't think that's a flaw at all, just my expectation for some reason.

Despite the fact that most of this chapter is about the normal half of Bran's life and is still giving him a break from getting pummeled by vampires, I like how the other half of his life keeps popping up in certain ways, like noticing the children are blood type O, and running into Baz. That's about all I gotta say for now. It looks like Bran's break is over. I hope I get to see Baz in action when I get to the next chapter (which will be sooner than two months). I'm curious to see what he can do.

Edit for Chapter 14:

Ashley, Leo, Judith and Byron have already made it outside when she realizes. She tries to turn her head and get a look, but the force of the panicking crowd is too great.

It's not super clear who 'she' is at first and as a scene that takes place from Alice's pov, you could do more to let us know that.

She doesn’t know why, but a particularly unsettling feeling has wormed its way into her.

Answer seems obvious to me given the circumstances.

“You’re a vamp, aren’t ya?” he grunts, as more of his blood spills to the ground. “But not a feral one.”

“So even you’ve figured it out,” the knight replies. “I didn’t expect one like you to have such a sharp mind.”

Again, this seems obvious to me. The vampire's talking in coherent sentences and wearing not messed up clothes.

Ian Vancratt gestures to his men. At once, their bloodstained weapons disappear.

As I started reading this chapter, I was wondering when this guy was gonna show up. He seemed like too much of a badass to only have in once scene.

“No, boy. That spear… it negates vampiric regeneration. I want you to listen carefully before I die.”

And you killed him . . .

I like the way the stuff about Bran being the only one who could challenge Ian for control of the clan is being twisted and becoming something useful for Bran's impending encounter with Dracula. That's pretty cool.

I feel like there's a missed opportunity with the Baz fight, and it's a result of not being introduced to his character until chapter 13. Baz seems like a badass, but this is the first time we've seen him fight. Had we known all along how strong he is, him getting his ass handed to him could have had a stronger impact.

I think there could have been more foreshadowing leading up to the events of this chapter as well. It all kinda just comes out of nowhere. Yeah, we saw the drugs the last feral vampire took, but that didn't really tell us much other than that someone was giving him drugs and we were probably going to see Bran and Alice run into at least one more feral vampire. The mall attack was a big surprise to me and I don't think that's a bad thing. I just think you could done a little more to build up to it.

One more thing that's a nitpick that for all I know could be revealed later. Could Dracula control the feral vampires? It seems like it's implied he can, but I'm not sure. If not, then how the hell did he manage to get all the ferals to converge on the mall and attack it?

Edit for Chapter 15:

I can’t help but get the feeling it could fall off its perch at any moment.

That's a weird way to word that.

Whipping my right arm around the handlebars, Nightfall appears in my hand as if he knows what I’m thinking.

Was Nightfall always described as he?

As soon as I see it, I know it’s a Divine Edge.

Starting to see some cool new stuff with these. I assumed they could only be swords but then there was Baz's axe and now this bow.

The world pitches around me as I tumble to the ground, catching a glimpse of the hellfire behind me.

I imagine it would hurt to jump off a bike that's being pedaled fast enough to keep up with a car.

Each footstep makes contact with the road for no more than a millisecond as I almost fly forwards, pumping my arms and legs as fast as I can. The distance between me and the truck is rapidly closing – the conditions are just right for me to be able to overtake it.

This stretching my suspension of disbelief here. We saw Dracula do some crazy shit, but he's motherfucking Dracula. Bran on the other hand only got turned into a vampire recently. That's my biggest problem with this chapter. In this action sequence as a whole, Bran does things that I'm having a hard time believing he should be capable of going off previous chapters.

Another gripe I have is where the hell is Dracula during all this? Bran thinks he's up with Alice as he's trying to reach her, but he wasn't. So where did he slip off to? I hope I find out soon.

The part where they cut Bran off the truck is very confusing. You mention the doors open, but then Bran's still clinging to one that isn't open and then that gets cut off? I've been sitting here trying to figure out just what happened at that part for a good 10 minutes. The part where Bran jumps back onto the truck after the detach the trailer is also confusing. Maybe it's just me, but I'm having a hard time visualizing it.

I don't the action itself in this chapter is bad (except for that fact that some of Bran's stuff is a little unbelievable), but I do think there are parts like what I mentioned above where the writing needs work.

Yanker I read hentai for plot

8 years ago

d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...

Edit for Chapter 14:

Ashley, Leo, Judith and Byron have already made it outside when she realizes. She tries to turn her head and get a look, but the force of the panicking crowd is too great.

It's not super clear who 'she' is at first and as a scene that takes place from Alice's pov, you could do more to let us know that.

She doesn’t know why, but a particularly unsettling feeling has wormed its way into her.

Answer seems obvious to me given the circumstances.

Again, this seems obvious to me. The vampire's talking in coherent sentences and wearing not messed up clothes.

Ian Vancratt gestures to his men. At once, their bloodstained weapons disappear.

As I started reading this chapter, I was wondering when this guy was gonna show up. He seemed like too much of a badass to only have in once scene.

“No, boy. That spear… it negates vampiric regeneration. I want you to listen carefully before I die.”

I can’t help but get the feeling it could fall off its perch at any moment.

That's a weird way to word that.

Whipping my right arm around the handlebars, Nightfall appears in my hand as if he knows what I’m thinking.

Was Nightfall always described as he?

As soon as I see it, I know it’s a Divine Edge.

Starting to see some cool new stuff with these. I assumed they could only be swords but then there was Baz's axe and now this bow.

The world pitches around me as I tumble to the ground, catching a glimpse of the hellfire behind me.

I imagine it would hurt to jump off a bike that's being pedaled fast enough to keep up with a car.

Yeah, looking back on this I could have made the entire section a lot better. Most of the sudden developments come from lack of planning - as I mentioned before, most of my writing up until now has been me just sitting down and coming up with most developments on the fly, which is something I'm trying to fix. I agree many of the new characters and turns the story takes could be better with more buildup.

The whole truck scene is also very convoluted and messy, I definitely could have simplified it. From a realistic point of view, a lot of stuff that happens is definitely pushing suspension of disbelief, but I wrote it anyway cos it seemed cool and badass at the time. All part of the learning process for me :p

But yeah, thanks as always for the feedback. I still remember when I was going to write this section the only thing I thought was 'I wanna add a high speed chase scene'.

I think this story was an attempt at easing myself into the architect mindset, but it just stopped working halfway (after the feral vamp arc) so I had to throw a wrench in the cogs to spice things up.

d(^_^)(^_^)d

8 years ago

Some people say just write. Making sure there's proper foreshadowing and all that is for editing after you're done writing.

But yeah, thanks as always for the feedback. I still remember when I was going to write this section the only thing I thought was 'I wanna add a high speed chase scene'.

You're welcome, not a problem. High speed chase scenes are cool.

I think this story was an attempt at easing myself into the architect mindset, but it just stopped working halfway (after the feral vamp arc) so I had to throw a wrench in the cogs to spice things up.

As writers, keeping ourselves interested in continuing and excited in stories is what's most important at the end of the day. Do what you gotta do.

Edit:

Chapter 16

It's cool to get more details about Alice. I'm not sure that the way you've gone about doing it is the best way. Even though I've done it too . . .

“Ashley, you didn’t have to come too,” I say as I stuff it into my mouth.

That could be worded better.

And that was how I left home for the first time.

Not the best thought to leave us off with. What does it really have to do with what's going on? Bran and Alice are going into hiding and by doing that, it just so happens that Bran has to leave home for the first time. I think you could give us a stronger ending to this chapter.

Edit: Chapter 17

Nice to see Bran and Alice get another little break.

um needs some time alone. Dad’s gone, and my sis is in hospital. Running just helps take my mind off things, I guess.”

How long was his sister in the hospital? You mention that Bran trains even in the snow and the extreme heat.

Alice still has my jacket wrapped around her, even though the underground subway is far from cold.

Spoiler:

Don't have much else to say about this chapter.

Edit: Chapter 18

I like how you went back to some of the other characters at the beginning of this chapter. It's cool how ANGEL actually thinks Bran is dead while Bran thinks they're on to him as a vampire.

Of course. So that’s why she was acting like that. Alice only said what she did to keep up the pretense.

Dense Bran is dense.

I wonder… if I drink from this, does it count as an indirect kiss?

This is a first for me, seeing this trope invoked over a dead bird. I like it.

For some reason, the way she said it made it sound erotic.

Description could be better.

crazr

8 years ago

Tada! I have resurfaced from the very pits of the ether! And... could only afford to read one chapter... Haha...

Sooooo... Chapter 3. Chapter 3! That was a short little bundle of exciting words! Bran finally met our supposed killer and it turns out she wasn't the killer after all! What a fun yet predictable twist! I find your word choice to be very engaging. It allows for both an easy yet complex read that has me gripped. I do believe that some of the structure could be changed. Line breaks are too plentiful and single word sentences are not pleasing to me. I understand that this is all opinion, of course, so feel free to disregard it. Anyway, I like where this story is heading! From what I read, it seems like it's really going to pick up. I definitely prefer Bran's night life which I believe I stated before.

On a side note, vegetarian vampires? God an demons... this concept drives me nuts. I understand the idea since those regularly fed on often turn into ghoulish abominations, but it still drives me nuts! Maybe it's just because I'm sick of the kindhearted vampire. Maybe I just dislike that Twilight used it? Whatever the case, this is less an actual gripe and more of a personal rant.

Good job, Yanker!

Yanker I read hentai for plot

8 years ago

crazr wrote...

Welcome back!

Hope everything's going well for you. My style at that time was definitely more light-novelly, at the moment I'm experimenting with more traditional styles. Not that I have the time or willpower to go back and edit this thing...

Anyway, thanks for popping by. Good to see you again!

crazr

8 years ago

I just read chapter 4 and I'm intrigued by your take on vampires. It has a nice mix of everything from different cultures' views and I very much like it. I will say that I am not fond of the regular aging, however. It's also nice to see you attempt and describe certain feelings such as how it feels to drink animal blood compared to human blood. It's obviously only chapter 4, but I am so far very happy to see that Bran and Alice are in a platonic relationship. As of right now, it seems like they'll play off of each other very well and I'm excited to see it. Honestly, this has me more interested with each bit I read. On a different note, I'm not too sure what to say about the capital/lower case word experimentation. To me, it was a bit jarring and obnoxious.

Edit: I just read chapter 5. Hm... From first expressions, I don't like Alice's father. I wouldn't say he is weak, but he is far from strong. His want to control shows a very insecure characteristic that is not befitting a leader. In fact, I feel as if it will cause some problems much later. On a different note, I love all the killing! This helps contrast that gentle vampire outlook that I mentioned before and was afraid of. I'm sick of the noble and humanistic vampire, making it refreshing to see some more brutal ones.

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