[Contest Entry 2011] Lonely Hearts

[Contest Entry 2011] Lonely Hearts

[The screen flickers uneasily as the monitor turns on with a dull buzz. The cold green light was a welcome sight to the figure covered in heavy coats and rags. Working technology was a rarity since the bombs fell; with dirty hands he would quickly type a few words he knew]

::TerminalF4ku has joined the server::

TerminalF4ku: Hello?

TerminalF4ku: Is anyone there?

[Hope was all the figure had as it waited for some answer. Pulling down a scarf the figure’s face would be illuminated in the light from the monitor. It was a young man, his features lean and worn from worry and the hardships of living in the wastelands. The small blinking line on the screen seemed to beat with his heart. Feverishly he would type again.]

TerminalF4ku: Please anyone respond, I’m looking for others, anyone?

[Sitting back the young man would watch the screen. Hours seemed to pass as the blinking line marked the passing of the seconds. He had traveled from the outer fringes of the city to find something to stave off starvation or sickness, with the cold came the cold fingers of death and it was crucial as winter set in that he had some form of stable rations or shelter. That was when he had discovered this old but functioning terminal at a desk, an orange light blinking on the monitor, his eyes growing heavy the young man would rest his eyes.]

::TerminalE3pr has joined the Server::

TerminalE3pr: Hello? This is T-E3pr looking for anyone connected to Sever K1ra.

[The young man would snap his eyes open as the terminal made an odd noise. A response awaited him on the glowing monitor and with eager hands he would type quickly, a anxious grasping sensation tugged at his heart as he feared he’d lose this new voice from somewhere far away]

TerminalF4ku: Hello! Oh my god someone answered.

TerminalF4ku: Who are you?

Terminal F4ku: Where are you?

TerminalE3pr: whoa whoa, calm down there. Let’s stay with the designations for now friend. You can call me E3pr, I’m another survivor like you. I’m holed up in an office building in what’s left of Chicago.

TerminalF4ku: I guess that would make me F4ku. I think Chicago is pretty far from here, I’ve never heard of it.

[with a weak smile the young man would rub his hands together, the slight friction causing the chill to leave his fingers, E3pr was the first person he had spoken to since his grandfathers death almost four years ago. Were they male? Female? Did it even matter? The questions kept coming but he knew he had to take it slow. If he lost this small contact he would lose his mind]

TerminalE3pr: That doesn’t surprise me F4ku, the old world doesn’t exist anymore. Winter is coming. I usually check the servers this place has somehow kept running before the blizzards make communication like this impossible. Are you safe F4ku?

TerminalF4ku: as safe as anyone else in the waste. But it is getting cold…

TerminalE3pr: well…try and stay warm. Find those supplies and return to this terminal, I’ll do what I can on this side to keep the server functioning…

TerminalF4ku: y-yeah your right, I promise I’ll be back E3pr.

::TerminalF4ku is Idle::

[Leaving the terminal with mixed emotions F4ku would pull up his scarf and journey out into the city. The snowfall was light still, cars only now beginning to shed the caked on dirt for fresh patches of white snow. Pulling out a make-shift dagger from beneath the folds in one of his many jackets he would cross the wide street to a store with boarded up windows, the word Jacob’s Cakes visible through the slats and charred metal. Before the bombs fell some people thought they could simply board up their shops and homes, just sit it out and survive…they were wrong. Gingerly F4ku would search the front of the shop before working his way around to an alley in the back. Noticing a fairly unreinforced door he would pocket his knife and pull out a small lock picking tool, kneeling he would begin working on the lock when from behind him he heard a menacing growl.]

::TerminalF4ku is Active::

TerminalF4ku: E3pr I

TerminalF4ku: I messed up

TerminalE3pr: what happened F4ku, talk to me what’s wrong?

TerminalF4ku: I was attacked, some kind of dog.

TerminalF4ku: it tore me up pretty bad, it looked sick.

TerminalE3pr: oh god, F4ku how bad is pretty bad!

TerminalF4ku: I’m bleeding, I think I’m going to throw up.

TerminalE3pr: F4ku my name is Hailey

TerminalE3pr: please don’t go offline stay with me!

[The blood was warm and he wasn’t sure how much of it was his and how much of it had been from the diseased dog. His grandfather had warned him about the feral dogs and the kinds of diseases they carried. Already he felt the sickening nausea working its way through his stomach. His vision had already begun to blur and the cold was descending upon him quickly]

TerminalF4ku: Hailey, my name is Kyle.

TerminalE3pr: Kyle, that’s a good name, please keep talking to me Kyle

TerminalF4ku: I’m really glad I was able to talk to someone like you.

TerminalE3pr: don’t talk like that Kyle it’s ok, you’re going to be ok.

::TerminalF4ku has lost connection::

[Hailey would choke back a cry as she heard the familiar sound of the Server’s shutting down. She had tried her best to play things cool. Use designations, be friendly but guarded. F4ku/Kyle had been the first contact she had had. Another lonely heart out in the cold wasteland; Gone as fast as he had come into her life. Stepping away from the terminal she would sit back against a wall in the fairly organized office and cry.]

::End::

Referances:

F4ku=Fakku
E3pr=Esper (Final Fantasy)
K1ra=Kira (Deathnote)
Jacob's Cakes= Fakku's one and only Jacob!

[color=red][b]Lol. It's a unique style of story telling, I must say, though I think we had a story posted last year in similar style. But regardless; it was a nice read. :)

^__^ I'm so glad you enjoyed it

yeah, great stuff so far! This would be hard to vote the polls. :P

wow such a positive response =^_^= I'm so happy

A song I think fits the story for anyone who wants some background while they read

^^ I like the fact that there is fitting background music to go with this, really interesting to say the least.
This was very well made, those people who vote must be hard pressed to pick a winner i would imagine.
Good luck with the contest, All the best!

ha thanks for the comment ^_^ yeah I tend to find music to go with what I write so I can immerse myself lmao even if its my own story my characters tend to do what they want so I just sit back and watch

It was a very touching story. It even seems like it might actually happen at some point in time.

But on critiquing it, in my opinion, there were some minor grammatical errors. There weren't a lot, but when you made them, you could tell.

Want this entry to win?
Vote here

Jacob owns a cake shop? Rofl.

heh figured it would be humorous, also hey I saw what you posted in the Poll thread, I wish us both the best of luck in the contest ^_^ I liked your entry myself

Erm, unless I'm reading this wrong then I'm not so much touched as a bit giggly. Anyone who has seen the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail may recognize what I'm getting at here...

Why did the death of Kyle directly correlate to the shutdown of the terminal? I believe I recognize the effort to say that that's when Kyle passes on, but it's like a man writing "Augh" on a wall as he's dying.

I think it would be more emotionally jarring for F4ku to have not logged off at all, and E3pr to not only know he's gone, but still see his name there until the server loses power. I feel it would've nicely capitalized upon the already despondent feeling of loneliness, in how she knows he's gone but the server insists he isn't.

Hey, aren't you the guy with that epic Russian bombing story? Woops, off topic.
Anyhow, I like this suggestion a lot. Having E3pr waiting there forever would be such a jarringly sad story. Not that your story is bad, I'm just saying.

whoa hey I never thought of that! haha a little late for me to change it but know I also appreciate that outcome! (also dat monty python, indeed far to silly!)

I've considered writing more shorts within this setting, well a post apocalyptic wasteland. maybe after the contest I'll post some more stories and possibly more about hailey and her life after this small encounter if anyone is interested.

I for one would like that, and look forward to seeing your work.

Such a unique entry D: My gosh! I can't explain in words.
I tip my hat to you.

Wait wait wait!! Nonono, I feel that everyone is spinning this story in a bit of an odd direction. Whether or not this was intended, I read this story quite differently.

What I read was a that a man was fucking stranded for several months without social contact in an almost deserted world. Humans being very social creatures, this is pretty damn harsh. Upon finding contact with another living being (even if it was over a some sort of server), he creates this emotional connection with that person. THAT BEING SAID, upon his death, with the emotional connection he has built with the other person, he logs off so that the other person knows not to wait for him.

I feel like it's not that he's writing "goodbye" on a wall as he's dying, but that he knows he is going to die soon, so he saves the other person the time and heartbreak if he would have just been idle. Potentially more heartwrenching if he just stayed logged on, but you miss out on the touching action of logging out FOR the other other person, even though he could have potentially talked with the person for a bit longer.

This is probably just my imagination going wild, but I thought this story had a lot of underlying depth. Stuff you don't notice at first. The perspective, the setting, the descriptions, and the unique form of communication between the two that creates a normally impossiblly strong bond, but in such a devastating setting it happens.

Just think, these two have just exchanged a few messages. They could be thousands of miles apart. But, the two already become emotionally dependent on one another. Fucking boss story, even if this is just bullshit I'm making up.

Either of us could be right, as I said in my OP I could simply be reading it wrong myself. The interpretation (and discussion following) is half the fun.

The reason I came to my conclusion is that it seems in the italicized sections that Kyle is rapidly losing consciousness. It's hard to say if he had the presence of mind to do such a thing.