Dream

So I'm working on something new, a little on the dramatic side, intended to bring forth emotion into my writing. But here is a little tidbit and I mean little.

I'll post the entirety of a large chunk when I get sme more writing done bu I need sleep now.

A dream, it's what my life seems to be, I wish for the moment that I will wake up. The moment that this all will end. Because when the dream ends, I will wake up, everyone I love will be with me. Everyone I've lost in my life, everything that is dear to me. All I can wish for is to... Wake up.

I've worked up a character list to briefly describe the characters:

Nathan:
Age: 16(as story starts)
Down to earth, traveled the world, though not by choice. Kind of shy about his feelings.

Valkyrie:
Age: 16(five months younger than Nathan)
Very open and passionate, Kind of a ditz at times but generally friendly and welcoming. Is madly in love with Nathan.

Vladimir:
Age: 46
Nathans Uncle, and the County Sheriff.

Sephora:
Age: 15
Nathans younger cousin. Teases him about his relationship with Valkyrie, like a sibling would but wishes him the best.

Nikolai:
Age: 49
Valkyrie's father and mayor of the town, trust Nathan with good judgment, to take care of Valkyrie.

The Guys:
Matt:
Age: 17
Down to earth, relaxed, just kinda along for the ride kind of guy

Mike:
Age: 18
Down to earth, relaxed, just kinda along for the ride kind of guy

Joe:
Age: 17
Cali Surfer guy, spaced out half the time.

Valkyrie's friends:
Jason:
Age: 16
Plays on the football team, as a wide receiver, Dating Maddy

Maddy:
Age: 15
Quiet bookworm, has a charming personality, and is kind of he oddball in the group. Dating Jason.

Benny:
Age: 18
Dumb as a rock or just too distracted? Has failed sophomore year two times. Dating Anna.

Anna:
Age: 17
Typical high school girl, decent grades, and a socialite, has an affinity for dyed hair(black, with a red stripe)

that sounds mad dramatic...hoping to read it soon...

*caught my attention

i'll be getting on FAKKU more frequently to check out updates in this forum. :D

“Your leaving tomorrow aren't you?” a little girl ask a boy sitting on a park bench beside her, as the summer air and sun shine down, while she licks at an ice cream cone.

“I have to go back home,” The boy says as he licks a an ice cream cone. “But I promise I will come back, and we will meet again.”

The girl drops down from the bench and stick out her pinky. “Pinky swear?”

The boy grabs hers with his and says, “Pinky swear or I'll stick a thousand needles in my eyes.”

“You better,” the little girl says as she sets back on the bench.

A clock chimes off in the distance, it's bell strikes five times. “Oh no, I've got to go.” The boy says as he hops from the bench, and runs off. “I promise we will meet again!”

The boy runs through the streets as he nears a small nursery school. A lone little girl waits as the door and looks over at him, tears forming in her eyes. “Your late.”

A dream, it's what my life seems to be, I wish for the moment that I will wake up. The moment that this all will end. Because when the dream ends, I will wake up, everyone I love will be with me. Everyone I've lost in my life, everything that is dear to me. All I can wish for is to... Wake up.

Suddenly a persons voice comes over a loud speaker rousing me from sleep. The scenery from the train window begins to become clearer as the train begins to slow down. How long has it been? I ponder to myself as the train come to a stop in a snow covered station. Then I remembered five years. It's been five years since I've been here. Five year since I last stayed with my Uncle and cousin. I wonder if I will recognize them when I see them, or will they recognize me? It's all a little sudden, but then this is normal, my parents go off to some new place because of work I get uprooted and moved, meet new people become friends and then say goodbye.

“Of course no one but me gets off his damn train,” I sighed as I pulled my bag from my shoulder and sat it down looking up and down the platform, as the train rolled on down the line. “And no one here to pick me up.”

The snow all around dirty and covered with tracks from people's comings and goings, are being covered as fresh snow fell lightly the ground, as I walked over to an awning that sheltered a bench from the snow. I drew my overcoat closer to me as I sat there for almost an hour in the chill of the wind.

“Nathan?” a girls voice calls out from my left as I turn to look at who was there.

Turning to see who called out my name I noticed a girl standing there, her long hair fluttering out from under a knit cap. “Your late Seph.”

“Were even now,” Sephora laughed, as she walked over and hugged me. “It's been to long.”

“I was only 15 minutes late that time,” I said with a smile as I grabbed my bag. “Not an hour. But still it's good to see you.”

“Uh huh,” Sephora says as a mile spreads across her face. “It's not every day I get to see my favorite cousin. It's been too long since we last saw each other.”

“First I'm you only Cousin,” I said as dusted the snowflakes from my coat. “And second, I'm going to be living with you.”

“I know but it still will be nice to be able to go to school with you everyday,” Sephora laughed. As she turned and latched onto my arm pulling me down a side street. “Your going the long way!”

“Is it so wrong that I would like to see the city?” I pleadingly laughed as I shook my head and followed Sephora.

The truth of the mater was that I would like to see the city, and how it has changed but then I really do want to get out of this cold and in a nice warm home with a nice warm meal. School won't start for another 2 weeks I have plenty of time to wander the city.

My uncle Vladimir, lives on the edge of the forest on the edge of town. You could say he lives on he outskirts of town but he likes to think of it on the outskirts of the woods. It's a bit of a walk from the station and everything but it's quiet out here. The house is just as I remember it. Porch wraps around the house with a balcony above it.

“Papa were back,” Sephora yelled into the house as he pulled her boots off and ran into the house.

The smell of my uncles cooking filled the air as it mixed with the smell of burning hickory and rosewood. I stood there in the entrance for a second, as I shrugged my coat off hanging it on the coat rack in the corner putting my own boots over to the side before I stepped up onto the hardwood floors.

“It's been a while,” Vladimir said as he walked into the forayer. Dressed in a cream colored wool sweater and a black kitchen apron, and a shaggy beard growing from his cheeks and chin you would have never guessed he was in the military, or even the Sheriff at that.

“Too long,” I said as I walked over and was pulled into a bear hug. “Okay can't breath.”

I rubbed my ribs for a second after Vladimir let go of me. “You've grown. I remember when you ere just yea high.” Vladimir put his hand about to where his midriff was. “But now your almost as tall as me.” I'm 6'1” so thats a good judgment of how tall Uncle Vladimir really is. He can be kind of intimidating to look at but those who know him know he's really like a big ol' cuddly Teddy Bear. But then thats not to say he's sweet and hugable, he can be almost like a Kodiak, if you try and do anything to Seph. “Dinner won't be ready for another two hours or so so why don't you go get settled in.”

“Which room?” I asked as I grabbed my bag from the floor.

“SEPHORA!” Vladimir bellowed up the stairs.

“What Papa!” Seph yelled from the top of the stairs.

“Show Nathan his room!” Vladimir yelled back.

The room that I was to use is on the second floor and two doors down from Sephora's room, It was he room that I stayed in as a small child when I visited my Uncle. A sliding door opened up onto the balcony that faced out into the west. The bed over to one wall with a small desk at the foot of it. A television set over in the opposite corner. Boxes sat neatly stacked in one corner, all the boxes had my stuff inside them and it was going be a long afternoon to get them emptied and everything put away but that is for another day.

I laid down onto the bed, and stared up at the ceiling. Thinking to myself, about that dream I had before I woke up when the train stopped. Who was that little girl? Would she still remember a promise made five years ago? All these thoughts filtered through my head as I laid there slightly dozing.

it's a great beginning! is your "T" button not working properly?
this story somehow reminds me of the Kanon series dont you think?

It's an old and heavily used laptop keyboard and yes most of what I write is referenced to something else. I write very little original fiction. I get most of my ideas from something else. that I then mold into something new

yes but may i say it is to like it kinda made me not wanna read it...
but i saw no problems in the writing...

im still sticking w/ my first post. xD
"an old dog can learn new tricks" or was it something else..? :shock:

I yawned as I stretched out there laying back, thinking to myself. Will I ever have to say goodbye to friends again? But then I never really have said goodbye to anyone, most the people I have met and grown close to in the short amount of time that we knew each other have kept in contact Via Email. Friends from all over, America, Canada, England, France, Germany, Italy, South Africa, the list goes on. I was once told, life is not abut who you are and what you do, it's about who you are, who you meet, and what you do. I've taken that to heart, each friend is someone special, someone you never want to loose.

I looked over to he bag that I carried up. Inside it is an MP3 player and my laptop along with some personal effects. “Might as well.” I took my laptop out and set it on the desk powering it up. I plugged the power cable into the wall, and set to work connecting everything up o get an up link. One thing abut moving around so much has taught me. Satellite up link is a life saver. “Alright,” I said as I cracked my knuckles.

I took to reading the emails from my friends, Most of them were just well wishes for my new location in the world. A few of them had pictures from vacations, and new baby brothers and sisters. A few E-Cards here and there. Just normal updates and how you doing's that seem to be sent back and forth. I took to writing a message to everyone of them. Just saying hello and some more news to follow when it happens. Once I sent the message I had received a new one from an email account that I did not know, I scanned it for a virus there was none. So I opened it, and all that it read was 'Remember the promise.'

“Um Nathan dinners ready,” I heard Sephora say from the other side of the door.

“Alright,” I said as I closed the screen of my laptop closed, pushing that last message out of my mind. Down stairs the smell of food was strong as I neared the kitchen. “Something smells good.” The truth to the fact I could eat anything right about now. All I've had in the last 18 hours was a snack cake and a can of soda. I could careless if it was horse meat or dog meat, I'd eat it.

“It's hard to get fresh veggies this time of year except for root vegetables,” Vladimir said as he pulled a large pot from the stove and placed it on center of the table. “Meat on the other hand is easy to get. So I hope you like beef stew.”

“I'd like it even if it was dog stew,” I laughed. “I'd eat anything about now.”

“Well that's good,” Vladimir laughed. “Eat up.”

A big bowl of carrots, onions, potatoes, all dug fresh from a root cellar in the basement, mixed with chunks of beef bought fresh from the local butcher. All with a thick hearty gravy, it's the perfection of a stew. The steam rising up from it filling your nostrils with such a godly aroma. It's just one of those things that are good year round but best during the winter. Add a fresh loaf of home made bread to soak up all the gravy. There really is no better cook than my uncle, at least I never met one.

“This is good,” I said after finishing my second helping of stew. “Any more?”

“Papa's a good cook,” Sephora said as he ladled out some more stew.

“At this rate here won' be any leftovers,” Vladimir said as he looked at the contents of the pot which was diminishing quickly.

“Well when you eat instant noodles, and fast food constantly,” I said as I tore into a piece of bread. “A good home cooked meal is a godsend.”

“Well then we need to get you fattened up a bit then,” Vladimir laughed as the phone rang. “Excuse me.”

“If you like Papa's stew I hope you like my cheesecake,” Sephora said as she stood up taking the empty pot from the table with the empty dishes.

“Bring it on,” I boasted as I sat there leaning back taking a sip from a cup of coffee. A few seconds latter Sephora was back with a New York style cheesecake. “That looks good, slice me off a piece please.”

“Does your stomach have an end or is it bottomless?” Sephora asked as she sliced a piece off putting it on a desert plate and handing it to me.

“Seph if I had a bottomless pit for a stomach I would eat the whole thing and still be hungry,” I laughed. “Truth is I'm good but I have a bad sweet tooth. I can't say no to anything sweet.”

“I'll keep that in mind,” Sephora said as she sliced another piece for her self. “Papa has to deal with work so he'll be back later. He said something about old lady Starr and her obsessive belief that there is someone trying to break into her house.”

“Sounds like this happens a lot,” I mused as I forked the cheesecake into my mouth.

“I don't know what it is with her,” Sephora sighed. “She is so paranoid, I have no idea why she won't have a security system installed into her house.”

The thought of someone being so paranoid like that is really mind boggling. Bu then an old lady living on her own I can see why, a raccoon knocking over a trash can can seem like some prowler in the knight, the likely explanation would be someone was trying to break in. But why would he refuse to have a security system installed? It makes no sense. I finished of another slice of cheesecake before I took my dishes into the kitchen ready to help cleanup as Sephora walked in trying to shoo me away.

“Try as you may,” I said planing myself firmly in front of the kitchen sink. “I'm going to be staying here so I'm going to help out around here. Just leave me to this and go do something else.”

“You are just as stubborn as Papa is,” Sephora pouted as she held her own ground. “But then so am I.”

“Must run in the family,” I laughed. “How about a compromise, I wash he dishes, and you dry them and put them away?”

“Alright,” Sephora gave in.

The warm soapy water, and the smell of lemons, how long has it been since I had done something like this? Fleeting memories of years ago, when I last stayed here. I remember splashing water onto Sephora because she put a hand full of suds on my head. Then other memories came back. Uncle Vladimir scolding us for making a mess.

“That wasn't to hard,” Sephora laughed as she put the last dish away.

“Yeah,” I laughed. “Our stubbornness made it go a little faster. Well I'm going to get some of my stuff unpacked, and no I don't need help with it.”

“Are you sure?” Sephora asked as I started to walk off. “I'm more than willing to help.”

“I'll be fine,” I reassured her. “I'd rather unpack my own stuff.”

“Alright just remember I'm two doors down if you want any help,” Sephora said as she walked up he stairs behind me.

I really don't have that much stuff, but then I never really had a lot to begin with, where I move around so much I've only kept a few things. Book, CD's, Clothes, and a few other personal effects. One thing I've kept is a small Cassegrain telescope, that I've had since I lived in the desert. All the boxes were labeled. Clothes, Personal effects, books, et cetera. I took to putting my clothes into the closet, Shirts and jackets onto the rack and then my pants sock and other clothing into the drawers at the bottom. The Books I have are an assortment of English to Foreign Language dictionaries, and some random books that I've picked up here and there.

Along with some picture of me, my mom, and my dad at various places, through the years. From Desert to Rain forest, to metropolitan areas, to a small farm out in the country. I've seen it all. There were still a few boxes that have a lot more stuff inside them, but the clock on my desk was telling me it was getting late and so was my body.

“There's plenty of time to finish tomorrow, I tell myself as I grab my tooth brush and head to the bathroom. Teeth brushed and changed into a pair of pajama pants and a T-shirt I fell backwards onto the bed staring at the ceiling, as I fell asleep.

“Your leaving tomorrow aren't you?” a little girl ask a boy sitting on a park bench beside her, as the summer air and sun shine down, while she licks at an ice cream cone.

“I have to go back home,” The boy says as he licks a an ice cream cone. “But I promise I will come back, and we will meet again.”

The girl drops down from the bench and stick out her pinky. “Pinky swear?”

The boy grabs hers with his and says, “Pinky swear or I'll stick a thousand needles in my eyes.”

“You better,” the little girl says as she sets back on the bench.

A clock chimes off in the distance, it's bell strikes five times. “Oh no, I've got to go.” The boy says as he hops from the bench, and runs off. “I promise we will meet again!”

That same dream again, there is something I must be forgetting. I've had this dream a few times now. I started happening when I fond out I was going to be moving in with my uncle and cousin, who I would spend time with each summer. The little boy is me, but who, who is that little girl? It's been five years I can't think clearly to recall her name.

“That dream again,” I muttered as I sat up in my bed. “Who is she?” The clock on my desk was showing it was just after 5am.

The smell of coffee wafted up from the down stairs as I walked down the stairs, to go to the bathroom. The sun not even up yet and my internal clock telling me it's time to get up. It's going to wreak havoc on my sleep schedule.

“Your up early,” Vladimir says as he puts down his morning paper, and taking a sip of coffee.

“Two time zones early,” I said as I reached for a mug to get some coffee for myself. “My body says it's time to get up so I listen to it. What are you doing up so early?”

“I never went to sleep,” Vladimir said taking another sip of coffee. “The old bat wouldn't let me leave until one of the deputies arrived to watch the place.”

“Old Lady Starr?” I asked. “Seph told me that this happen a lot.”

“Bah she's the old bat to me,” Vladimir laughed. “And yeah a raccoon knocks over a trash can, she thinks someone is trying to break in. But I'm a nocturnal person, I'll head to sleep here in a few hours, and be up mid afternoon. So what are your plans for today?”

“Just walk around town and get some stuff,” I said pouring some more coffee into his cup and some into mine. “It's been awhile since I've been here might as well see whats changed.” The truth is I really just want to take some time to clear my thoughts, and figure out my dream that I have been having.

I sipped my coffee watching the morning news as Vladimir was making breakfast, the smell of cooking side meat and eggs filled the house, as the news caster gave the weather report. Sephora stumbled into the den rubbing her eyes.

“Morning,” Sephora mumbled as she walked over and sat on the couch. “Your up early.”

Two time zones early,” I said as I finished the coffee in my cup. “It's close to seven here. Where I've been it would be close to nine right now.”

“Good point,” Sephora said as she leaned her head back, taking in the smell of cooking. “Foods ready.”

Sephora stood up and stumbled into the kitchen and poured a glass of orange juice, and at down at the table as Vladimir walked into the den. “Breakfast is ready.”

“I know,” I laughed. “Seph said it was moment before she walked in there and you walked in here.”

“Leave it to her to know when food done,” Vladimir chuckled as he walked back into the kitchen with me in tow.

A fresh cup of coffee, eggs sunny side up, a stack of chocolate chip pancakes, and some crispy side meat. It's breakfast alright, though I'm use to a slice of toast and some jam, a nice meal like this is one is something I could get used to. With the accompaniment of butter, and some maple syrup, the pancakes on my plate were completely soaked.

“You must like syrup,” Sephora commented as she noticed the pool of syrup on my plate.

“If syrup was alcohol I'd be half in the sack before 9am,” I laughed.

“Well thank god it's not,” Vladimir chuckled. “I'd have to lock myself up for neglecting my duties as a caregiver.”

We were all laughing all around the breakfast table. There is nothing like a family moment like this. Everyone is happy, haring a meal, at the beginning of the day, before we head our separate ways. Until we come together once again at the end of the day.

It amazes me how much a place can change over a period of a few years. Shops I remember not being there anymore or buildings that weren't there now are. Book Stores that were bakeries, bakeries that were convince stores, an electronics shop that was a clinic. This place has changed.

The school I remembered still hasn't changed. Though it seems smaller since the last time I walked past, bu that was when I was eleven years old. It seemed so daunting and huge, then. Well it's still rather large. The entire complex consist of 3 main building's the Elementary School, the Junior High, and the High School. All three school buildings focus around a central courtyard area where a large fountain is set in motion year round to keep it from freezing. There is also a few smaller building's such as the field house and the Grounds Keepers Shed.

I a there looking into the school ground for a few minute before moving on towards the other end of town where the Market District is. This place really I different. I can't believe nay I don't want to believe that it is, yet it's true.

Being lost in thought can be a bad thing sometimes, because your feet can lead you somewhere you don't want to go or into someone. But would one call it fate that you run into a person by accident? Someone who will turn out to be an important person in the days to come?

“Oh excuse me,” I apologize as I accidentally rung into someone as I round a corner. “Your are not hurt are you?”

“I'm fine,” The girl that I ran into aid as she looked up at me. “I'm the one who should have been watching where I as going.”

“I was my fault I wasn't paying attention and I jut kept walking,” I assured her. I do not know why but for some reason I felt a pull to this person, as if they were linked to my fate. Her long brown hair and big brown eyes, just lured me in, and brought thought to my me of another person long ago. “I'm sorry but have we met? About 5 years ago? I know it sounds strange yet, for some reason I get this feeling that you are someone from my past.”

“I-it can't be,” The girl aid as she grabbed a bag she dropped. “I made a promise to a young boy five year ago that I would meet him again one day. All I remember of him is his name stared with the letter N.”

“Tell me something,” I said as I looked her right in the eyes. “Have you ever had a dream where you are yourself five years ago eating ice cream with another kid, one you can't recall there name...”

“And you make a pinky swear to meet again one day,” the girl finished. “I'm not one who read much into my dreams, but I've had a dream like that for the last month.”

A month? It has been the same for me, it's been a month since that dream started, to reoccur to me. “Nor am I but I think you may have been that girl in my dream. May I ask who you are so I can put a name to this face.”

“My name is Valkyrie,” The girl said politely while blushing slightly. “But please call me Val.”

“Well Val,” I aid sweeping into a bow taking her hand into mine kissing it lightly. “I am the mysterious N. I am Nathan, it is a lovely thing to meet you again.”

“F-flattery and chivalry will get you no where Nathan,” Valkyrie stuttered as she started to blush even more.

“I know it may be a bit intrusive but would you like to accompany me,” I asked picking upon the subtlety of her embarrassment.

Valkyrie looked down a the bags she was carrying, and then back up. “Maybe another time, I need to get these home. But do you have a pin?”

“I'm sorry I don't,” I said as I watched her movement. “But I am living with my uncle, Vladimir Garrard. I'm sure his number is in the phone book just ask for me or leave a message, if I am not there.”

“Wait Sheriff Garrard is your uncle?” Valkyrie asked astounded. “That would you live down from me about half a mile.”

“Then maybe I could escort you back to your home?” I asked as I wanted to talk to her more. “If you would not mind me doing so that is.”

The heat radiating from her face was greatly apparent, as she became redder by the second, before either of us spoke again. “I would love it if you would.”

The snow tarted to lightly fall as we walked along the streets of he city toward the edge of town where the woods lay. Stopping here and there laughing the whole way. “Wait you're telling me that you've been to all those places in the last 5 years?”

“More or less,” I said trying to be as casual about it a possible.

Oh how I would love to visit the French country side,” Valkyrie said as she walked ahead twirling. “The smells, the sights...”

“The music, the wine, and the cheeses, as well.” I interjected. “France is alright but the Tuscan country side is much more lovely.”

“Oh how I envy you Nate,” Valkyrie said as she slowed for me to walk beside her. “You having given the chance to visit places I would only dream of.”

“Nothing is impossible Val,” I said as I walked beside her. “You may one day be granted a chance to visit these places.” If I could I would take you there in a heart beat. It's all that would run through my head at the moment. Thoughts of Valkyrie and I walking along a shaded path in the Tuscan country side. Hand in hand, with a picnic basket on a sunny day. Thoughts that may never become a reality. They tore at me and caused me grief, to think that she may not feel as I do.

“You are too kind,” Valkyrie said as she took hold of my arm.

The warmth of her body permeated through my jacket and to me, spreading through my entire being. Oh how I wish that this moment could last forever. But good thing must come to an end, as we reached her house.

“I would like to see you again,” I said as she let go of my arm.

“As far as I know I'm free for the next few days,” I said as a mile crept across my face.

“Meet me at the train station at noon tomorrow then,” Valkyrie said as she walked towards the gate.

“I'll be there,” I said as I bowed again. “Until then. Au revoir, mes aimer.”

The snow started to pick up as I started to walk off the wind ruffling the hem of my coat and the tails of my scarf fluttering behind me. Until then goodbye my love. Could I be any more dramatic. Yes, yes I could. I could have grabbed her and kissed her before stalking off like this. But still it's good to be dramatic like this to an extent.

Finally back home I realized I didn't buy a thing. Smacking myself in the face, I decided it better to wait and get it later. No point in walking back through the snow. Besides I have a date tomorrow. Be keep myself healthy and not and her up.

“You are in a chipper mood,” Sephora said as I walked into the living room sitting down on the couch.

“Am I Seph, am I?” I asked as she turned the channel to some day time soap opera.

“Yes, you are,” Sephora laughed as she threw a pillow at me. “Now spill it.”

“The reason I was late to meet you at your school five years ago was because I was spending time with someone,” I explained. “And by accident or fate, or God only knows what. I ran into this person today.”

“Ooooh,” Sephora said muting the TV. “This would no happen to be a girl now would it?”

I felt myself turning red at the bluntness that Sephora had put the terms into, with a coy, mocking fashion almost as if she was teasing me. “And, and what if they are?”

“Don't tell me,” Sephora said as she fell backwards onto the couch. “Star crossed love birds separated by an unstoppable event to be reunited, once again!”

When she puts it that way I don't really know how Valkyrie really feels about me. But then that is about how I feel. Ever since I first met her I felt a pull towards her a comfort that words can not describe. But it's still embarrassing to have your cousin who you live with and is a female tease you abut it. “You watch too much daytime television. It's starting to rot your brain.”

“So who is this person that has you all in a huff?” Sephora said coming down from her dramatic high. “Someone I know?”

To think of it she never did say her last name, but with a first name like that who would need to remember a last name? “Valkyrie, why?”

“Wait,” Sephora said about to fall off the couch. “Valkyrie? You are telling me that Val, the one who lives about a half mile up the road, is the...”

“Person that I am talking about?” I finished. “Yes.”

“I don't believe it,” Sephora snorted. “Now I finally get it. Why Val has turned down every person who has ever confessed to her.”

“She was waiting for me to return,” I fund myself saying as I stared of into space. She has waited for me this whole time. The way I feel for her is reflected back to me by her feeling for me. So tomorrow I will know for sure I hope.

ok....so this is the 1st time i'm so dissapointed with your story Angelus...

1)The story was based too much on Kanon. Not only did you took the story idea, you even used the dream concept. Not original at all. Even if you based your story on something try to change it. You are practically turning the Kanon anime into a story.

2)The names. What is up with the names? Besides Nathan, the other names were horrible!! Valkyrie!? Vladimir!? WTF!? I mean can't you come up with more creative names than from myths and legends?! I've read almost all your stories and i know you can come up with better names than this!

3)Typos seriously... There were WAY too many typos. Especially the "'" You did not put ' in We're and You're. I was confused the 1st time i read those lines and i had to reread them to make sure i didn't read wrongly(which is irritating).

4)Story placings. You might be confused by what i wrote when i say story placing. Well basically there were nothing separating the 'dream' parts and the 'reality' parts. I was confused when i read the part where you mention the 'dream' part again later in the story. Try separating them with either italic words or putting a line in between(like what Raze did in his story) or even different fonts.

This was the worst among all the stories that you have written and as i have said i was dissapointed. Rated 3.0/10.0

The dream Concept dates back to antiquity Try reading Gilgamesh


Sephora, Valkyrie, and Vladimir are all real names look them up. Also I know a few people with the name Vladimir.
Edit:
Explanation of names:
Nathan:
Hebrew - He gave
Think about this why would I give a character a name that means "He Gave"

Sephora:
Hebrew - Bird
This one I can not explain with out giving away major plot items.

Valkyrie:
Scandinavian- Chooser of the Slain
It embodies strength and judgment, qualities that I am going to use later in the story.

Vladimir:
Slavic - Great Ruler
Another quality that I need for a character, especially this one in later parts of the story.

Just hang in here and hold your bitching about characters and you will see why I named them so in due time.

Edit:

You think I'm using out there names wait till I get to the next few chunks then I'll be getting "out there"


In my defense once again I am not a perfect user of English mechanics and my Word processor does not check grammar. But I am in the process of going through and reproofing everything.



You must be an idiot then because there is a difference. Take a look a the wording of the dream the story switches formats from First person, to third person.

The bulk of the story is told through the eyes of the main character Nathan the dreams are not.



Everyone is entitled to there own opinion, as I have said before. and I quote:


Edit:

If you want to see a real ripoff try reading this one:

https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=6830

“Hey papa guess what,” Sephora squealed as Vladimir walked into the living room.

“The old bag installed a security system?” Vladimir said wishfully as he grabbed the remote and turned it to the evening news.

“No,” Sephora laughed as I felt my face turning red, from what is to come next. “Our little Nathans got a date tomorrow.”

“That's nice,” Vladimir said not registering what Sephora said ill a few seconds later. “What?!”

“When I last visited five year ago,” I began to explain. “I met a kid around my age, and that's who I spent mot of the day with when I was here for the few week that I was. Well I sort of ran into her today, and I'm going to meet her tomorrow so we can catch up. It's not that big of a deal.”

Vladimir slapped his hand onto my shoulder “I'm proud of you my boy. Who is this little lass?”

“This I where it's juicy,” Sephora laughed. “It's Valkyrie Olsky.”

“Olsky?” Vladimir said in disbelief. “Mayor Olsky's daughter Val?”

“I guess so I never got a last name from her but he live about half a mile up the road,” I answered, my cheeks turning redder by the second.

“Thats Mayor Olsky's place,” Vladimir confirmed. “Just don't do anything stupid, and you will be alright.”

“I'll take that as a vote of confidence I think,” I said as I stood up. “I'm going to go take a bath.”

My head ran over with thoughts as I slipped into the tub of hot water. The mayor's daughter, I sure know how to pick them. If anything bad were to happen it would be a scandal for the whole own. The Mayors daughter and the Sheriff's nephew, to have child, scandal rocks town. I pushed the though out of my head as I submerged myself for a few second letting the hot water soak into my every pore, cleansing me of my troubles. It's hard to explain but my sanctuary is a nice hot bath. The hot water soothes my body and relaxes it while I sit and contemplate my day.

“Nathan diners about ready,” Sephora said as she knocked on the bathroom door as I was getting out of the tub.

“Alright let me get dressed and I'll be down,” I said back as I grabbed my towel and began to dry myself.

About five minutes later I was down stairs siting at the table, the smell of something good coming from the kitchen, and dressed in a t-shirt and a pair of light weight sweat, my hair still a little damp. My mouth starting to salivate, I had eaten anything since breakfast and I was getting kind of hungry.

“Shepherd's pie,” Vladimir said as he set the dish down on a pot holder on the table.

I've had shepherd's pie before while I was living in England, so I know what it is I am about to eat, but if it is anything like the stew from th night before it's going to be good. Chunk of beef, mixed with carrots and peas, in a brown gravy, then smothered in mash and covered with melted cheese. It's a meal in it's own right.

“If I didn't know better I would think you were trying to fatten me up,” I laughed as I spooned some of the shepherd's pie onto my plate. The aroma of it filling the air in the little dining room mixing with the smell of fresh baked bread.

“You never know,” Vladimir laughed. “But I eat like this everyday and I don't gain a pound.”

The bantering went on and on as the food disappeared. Most of it directed at me for what has happened and what will happen. But it was a merry time all in all. Everyone laughing, and having a good meal. It is best to hare a joyful moment with those you love and the ones who love you.

The dishes washed and put away I headed up to my room to check my mail. Nothing new but as I looked out the window the skies clear, I thought to myself. The sun is setting, I looked over at the case that contained my telescope, it's tripod strapped to the side. Do I or do I not, it has been a while since I've had a chance to gaze out at the winter sky.

I take my chances, I grab the case and strap I on like a backpack. Grabbing the small power kit that I use to power it and head down the stairs. Both Sephora and Vladimir are sitting in the living room watching something on the TV as I enter the room. “I'm heading out to do some stargazing. I'll be back latter.”

“Be careful,” Vladimir said as he stood up to turn and look at me. “The old field on top of the hill is not easy to navigate around at night.”

The old field it about half a mile into the forest not to many people actually come out here during the winter, let alone at night. A new moon gave the night a dark cast over the ground with a sky full of bright stars. One thing I like about this place is the serenity of it. It is a quiet open space. The reason no one has built anything here, is that it's privately owned. A small acre or so, it's owned by my uncle I used to come out here when I would stay with him to be by myself and let my thoughts go.

My gazing tonight I have a few ideas, Pegasus, Orion, the Winter Triangle. But then there was something about the night sky that drew me to another quadrant of the sky. A shooting star was streaking past the sky as I gazed through the telescope.

“Oh falling star,” I whispered under my breath as I looked up. “Grant me your good luck. Grant me the good graces to live a life peace, good health, and wealth.”

The night wind's blew making it colder as the tracking motors started slowing to a halt and the power supply died. My watch telling me it was just past midnight. I packed everything back up and headed back down the path that leads up to the field. The back door still unlocked as I quietly moved inside. Vladimir sitting in his chair reading a book looking up reaching for the .45cal hand gun on the table until he saw that it was me.

“See anything?” Vladimir ask as he put his book in his lap.

“Just a shooting star,” I said as I took the case from my back. “The power supply gave out, so I wasn't able to see much else. Is it wise to keep that out in he open like that?”

Vladimir looked at the gun on the end table. “I'm on call, and it's easier to have it in reach, and siting here it's a pain to have it in it's holster on my side.”

“I see,” I yawned. “The door's locked and I'm heading to bed. I bid you good night.”

Your story is acutally quite good. But I think I realized what Damien is trying to say. Using names that are related to mythology (even though people use them) too much can... sometimes ruin the story. Names sometimes can depend the mood of the story, y'know?

Well, what i'm trying to say is that... don't use mythology names too much. People might think this is about ancient rome/greek/hystorical event or something else (which, I believe after reading your story, is not).



Ah. But i'm just a reader and you're the creator. I'm just speaking out what my mind is saying, that's all.

That's why I used the names that I did for the main characters. I have no plans on any more mythological names. I don;t really have any more name busters for any more characters to be introduced save maybe one or two. As I said I used them for there meanings.



IF someone thinks that then they must truly be an idiot.

Also I've taken a little of Damien's advise I am going to go and fix the dream sequences later but I am going to mark them so it's easier for simpletons like him to figure it out.

Small bit
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two white doves are flying off into the distance landing on a tree by a nest. Inside the nest is little baby birds. Crying out for food and comfort from there mother and father. In the tree are other animals, a falcon who watches over the inhabitants of the tree. A chipmunk who stores food for the winter. A robin who nurtures and cares for the young baby birds whilst the mother and father are away, and a owl who is wise and consults with the inhabitants of the tree.

This tree like many in the forest is an ancient oak, it's inhabitants have lived in it for generations past. Helping and protecting one another. A life of love and harmony, the tree gives it's branches strong and sturdy for the creatures to live, it's leaves, to shade and keep them safe. In return the animals do no harm upon the tree.

The alarm on my desk went off at roughly 7am. The fleeting memory of a strange dream fresh in my mind, it's meaning a loss to me. But a feeling of connection somehow keeps it in my mind, as I try to figure it out. But that will be put to the back burner for the present, today I am going to meet with Valkyrie. But the question still remains is this a date?

I dressed myself in a pair of jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt, with a long sleeve dress shirt over it, and buttoned it up. Something casual yet not too casual. Down stairs I found Vladimir dozing slightly as Sephora still half asleep poured some milk in a bowl of cereal. I sat down a he table poring myself a cup of coffee, and gabbing a slice of toast.

“Good morning,” I said as I sipped on my coffee.

“Goodnight,” Vladimir laughed as he put a mug down and walked out of the room. His sense of humor is something that I'm going to have to get used.

“Morning,” Sephora mumbled as she spooned cereal into her mouth. “Ready fro your date?”

I sputtered on my coffee a bit as I could feel my face turning red, why did she have to say it like that? Yes it feels like a date, to me but is it really? There is a connection that is deep rooted between the two of us that I can sense some presence of, but is this a date? “Please don't say it like that, Seph. I'm no sure this is a date. We are just getting together talk about what's happened.”

“Did she tell you when and where to meet her or did you suggest it?” Sephora asked as she put the spoon into the bowl.

“I suggested it as a possibility yesterday,” I answered. But then she was the one who said when and where today.”

“And you still do not believe this is a date?” Sephora asked as she took a sip from an glass of orange juice.

“The possibility hangs in my mind that it is,” I confirmed. “But then it's still an uncertainty.”

“So that is why you got dressed up like that and...” Sephora paused sniffing at the air. “And put on cologne.”

I looked over at the kitchen clock to see if I could escape from the prosecution. I would need at least thirty minutes to get there. So I would at least need to head out by eleven. The clock spared me the interrogation, as it was telling me it is ten thirty. “I'll be going now, I'll be back sometime later.”

“Alright have fun,” Sephora said as she walked over towards the sink wash out her cereal bowl.

As I walked to the train station my heart hammered in my chest. I was just so nervous, about this. Someone who I had not seen in five years that I had held as a dear friend as a child, who holds a place in my heart, who in turn possibly has a special place in their own heart.

Along the path is a small florist shop that caught my eye, when the elderly lady the florist of the shop walked out side to place a display of pink roses out. The sight of hem caught my attention. Would it be alright if I were to get one and give it to her? Would she think think crossly of me for it? The florist then noticed me looking at them.

“They are exquisite pink rose buds are they not?” The florist said as I looked upon the blooms. “They say that a pink rose, symbolizes, love, gratitude, and appreciation. Is there someone special you are meeting dear?”

It must have been written on my face, how else would she have known. “Actually yes there is.”

“Someone special to you?” the florist asked, pressing for more information.

“Actually yes,” I said feeling my face flush from embarrassment. “How much are they?”

“I'll selling them for two dollars a piece,” The florist said as she went to fixing them so it seemed more full. “But, I can tell this person means a lot to you, here.” she put a single stem into my hand a partially bloomed bud, that was wrapped in a piece of green tissue paper. “Take it.”

“I... I couldn't,” I said taken aback by her offer. I fished out two dollars from my wallet and handed it to her. Take nothing, you didn't work for, it was one of the things that my mother always told me and I always told me and why I work hard.

“I appreciate your business young man,” the florist said as she put the bills into her apron. “I hope she feels the same way as you do. Just remember little ol' me when the wedding bells toll.”

“I-if they ever do I'll b-be sure to remember,” I stuttered as the shock of what she said set in. “T-thank you.”

My watch was telling me it was nearing eleven thirty and I was sill about ten minutes from the train station. If I'm lucky I'll be the first there. But if not I hope she will not have been waiting long. When I reached the train stain there was no one there, inside or out save the people who work there. The clock at the train station said it was a quarter till, noon. I stood there pacing back and forth waiting. When she arrived ten minutes later.

“I hope you were not waiting too long,” Valkyrie said as she walked over.

“I would like to say I've been here for to long but ten minutes is not that long.” I said. “But I have something for you.” I handed her the rose, and watched her as she held it to her nose inhaling it's scent, before she wrapped hr arms around me in a tight hug.

“Thank you,” She said as she held on to me. The warmth of her body permeated in mine, pulling forth emotions that I have never felt so strongly before.

“Your welcome,” I said brushing her hair from her face so I could look into her eyes, as I spoke to her. “So where do you want to go? It is your choice I'm just along for the ride, anything, so long as it fits within my financial constraints.”

“Then follow me,” Valkyrie said as she took my hand and lead me into the town. “I know thi cozy little coffee shop whee we can sit and talk.”

The whole time we walked she clung to me as if she as about to fall down, it was almost like we were a couple, a smile on here face, that was just so infectious every time I would glance a her it would just cause me to smile. Every so often we would pass by someone or another and they would greet her and then look at me, with a look that said who are you? It made no difference I had no idea who they were, and all that mattered right now was Valkyrie.

“Here it is,” Valkyrie said as we stopped in front of an old storefront. The sign above the door had a picture of a mouse hole with a sleeping cat right beside it and read in gold letters The Mouse Hole Café.

The inside of The Mouse Hole Café is a warm welcoming environment, A deep rich mahogany wood paneling covered the walls save for a section of one of the walls that had a dark brownish red brick hearth with a fire roaring in it's grate. The furniture in the café was a mixture of small tables and comfortable arm chairs that looked as if you would sink deep within them if you sat down. I took my jacket off and hung it on a small hook near the door taking Valkyries as well to see that she as wearing a lavender colored turtle neck sweater and pair of jeans. We took the two seats by the fire place and sat there for a few seconds without saying anything until a waitress came by to take an order.

After a few more moments of awkward silence, I had to say something, let I look like a complete idiot, I just let what was on my mind slip out of my mouth. “You look very pretty, in that sweater. I didn't notice it at first because of the overcoat you were wearing. I-it looks nice.”

I could see her turn slightly pink in the face when I said that, I could have cursed myself, for being so blunt, but then she finally spoke herself. “You look really nice yourself.”

She thinks I look nice, Oh that lifted the burden from my shoulders, for someone who has dealt with people there own age the world over, something like this should be simple. But a date, with someone you feel a deep rooted connection to. It just terrifies me. I've never been on a date before, unless you count social outings with a group of friends. But not on a one on one kinda deal. “So,” I said trying to break this silence with out being so awkward about it. “I'm going to start classes this spring at the school. What is it like?”

“I'm sure that it's just going be boring for someone who's been to schools all over the world,” Valkyrie said shrugging I off. “But most f the teachers are decent and nice, so are the student's.”

“I'm sure I'll like it just fine,” I said as I added some cream to my coffee. Especially if your in all my classes. The thoughts that come out of my head sometimes I'm glad I can keep from saying them most of the time. Or else I would have just put my foot into my mouth.

With the conversation moved to something a bit more neutral the tension between us slackened slightly. Even more so when the waitress returned with two mugs of coffee, and a plate of biscotti. We sat there for a few hours as the snow fell outside, talking about anything and everything, from, our favorite food,s and music to politics. We would have probably stayed till they closed had both of us not got bored of sitting.

“So what do you want to do now?” I said as Valkyrie snuggled close to me for warmth.

“Nothing I just want to walk around out in the snow,” Valkyrie said as she snuggled a little closer as the wind picked up.

Romantic, sweet, caring, joyful, and yet so naïve and childlike at points. I'm finally beginning to realize what draws me to her. But my stomach was protesting, the lack of food. “How abut we get something to eat? I haven't eaten anything but a bowl of cereal and some biscotti. Plus the wind's picking up. My treat.”

“It is a bit windy isn't it?” She agreed. “But I don't want you to spend to much on me.”

“Val,” I said as I held her close me as if he would blow away with the wind if I didn't. “There is no amount of money I would not spend just to spend a moment like this with you.”

Oh no what the hell did I just say? My heart racing as I rid to think of something but before I could she stopped and turned me to face her. Her long brown hair framed her face, as she stared at me with those big brown eyes of hers. Fr the longest moment I was ensnared by her gaze as much as I wanted to advert my gaze from her, I couldn't.

“Do you mean what you just said?” She asked me as she unrelentingly stared me down. “Did you?”

I put my hand against her cheek brushing the hair from the side of her face as I spoke the next few words, that would forever hold true. “My words are as true as the sun rising in the eastern sky.”

The snow began to fall heavier as she held onto me, and me onto her. The moment I wished could last forever. But as I have learned through out my life, all good things must come to an end, as we pared from the embrace I noticed the snow that had fallen onto my shoulders and brushed it off. In front of us was a small family ran Italian restaurant, that I vaguely remembered from my youth.

“Lets get something to eat,” I said as I grabbed her hand and walked towards the restaurant.

Wait, let me rephrase that. What I meant was that people who have mythology names and know each other in the modern world sounds kinda... bizarre and very nearly impossible. It gives off the story some old ancient mood.

...Well, to me, it gives off that kind of vibes.

The point of this Rant: Don't use familiar and famous names too much, it can change the readers opinion of them. Be more creative in using names that are unfamiliar to most people.

Also! I liked the last chapter. Hope that you keep on writing this^^

There is no chapters, just large chunks of a continuing story.