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Review: Note, biggest pet peeve is not capitalizing I...

Good: In truth, it is really closest to home. The idea of keeping an eye on the girl you like, following her around like a puppy dog, and just enjoying the sight of her. I assume this is a more personal story for you than anything else. Because of that, I actually felt like I was back in high school since I too liked a girl. Unfortunately, I asked her out and failed miserable :p You seemed very introspective in the beginning which is a big plus and you understand the strengths of the first person POV as a tool for introspection.

Okay: JESUS CHRIST! CAPITALIZE "I" PLEASE! *ahem* Sorry. This is just a personal note, but I was fairly disappointed in the ending. Why a typical happy ending? If this is a personal story, and every phrase is a period of self-deprication, it only leads the reader to realize that the author was denied. The ending seemed more of a curve ball than a happy ending. The way this prose was written just seems to beg for a tragic ending. Then the other thing I noticed is that the entire "tale of two cities" dialogue you had in the intro kind of asked for a continous train of thought. That did not follow the second the story began. What was even the purpose of the intro then?

Bad: While I had to go through the capitization and stream of conscious way of writing, one thing seemed prevalent: proofreading. The tenses change at the flip of a coin and that, my friend, just confuses the shit out of us. Most 1st person POVs follow an "in the moment" process of thought, but this prose switches from the three major tenses sometimes in a single sentence- which leads me to this point. And... and... and... makes for a run on sentence. Finally, while this was suppose to be a 1st person, something about it just didn't seem that 1st person-y about it...

Aside from the grammer issues, I felt a little disconnected with the prose the further it went on. Especially at the "and then TIME JUMP" part. You created a sense of urgency and then added a time jump. What I want to ask is "Why?" Why did the character do nothing? Why did he not keep asking himself questions? Why did he just accept the status quo? The character seemed less of a character and more of a wallflower.

P.S. Sorry for the harsh review.

My Review: I figured, now that judging began, I'd start my own review on each person going up from the list. You're first :3

The good: I enjoyed the initial description of the woman. The description was pleasing to read and I found myself slight aroused. At first it really did sound like normal, "guy-meets-girl" story with an erotic scene afterwards. I was pleased that it was much more than that. I definitely did not expect anything like a giant insect lady hell-bent on eating him. It seemed more like a giant "fuck you" to any of those hentai premises that normally exist.

The okay: There are plenty of grammatical and spelling errors in here. Not to mention some tangents that weren't necessary i.e. [gift from his father]. I would have enjoyed it more if the dinner scene that acted as a mere vehicle into the next part had more substance to it. The ending- don't change it :3.

The bad: At first I this whole story ran afoul when I read the "I feel so alone..." part. If I had known in advanced that this was a fuck you to hentai or just a hentai premise in general, I assume it would have been okay. The bad part is, I assumed it was a normal story since it treated itself as a story and not a hentai premise (technically it could be still, but I digress). I'm not entirely sure how it is possible to change it, but it didn't seem as self-aware as I hoped.

Review: For the love of God, why doesn't anyone capitalize!?! (;____;X (sad whale)

The Good: Description, description, description. Though I enjoyed the pieces of description, I would have liked more in general so I could actually see the world and not just various items. To be honest, I've never played the game nor do I know anything about the characters, but your earlier description kind of brought me into the game world a bit. This entire part seemed to be more a singular anecdote in the midst of a much larger story- because of that I did take some time figuring out the world.

The Okay: Because it read like a game and less like a story, it felt just like that. It felt like a visual novel. Not to say that is entirely a bad thing, but if you are going to write a story, please do just that, write a story. Also, the reference to fakku seemed a little random as you said in your description.

The Bad: I got lost. Throughout this entire anecdote, nothing really happened. A guy meets a girl in a market, says hello and talks about books. Then there were random things that were never answered. What do that flowers at the lake have to do anything with the whole story? Even if it is a fan fiction, if you are writing a story, it should be all-encompassing. It also seemed a little boring. People talking about books, despite the overarching story, is generally boring. Something needs to be happening in the middle of it all.

My Review: Yey! Capitalization and punctuation? I heart you.

The Good: Honestly, it is an honest-to-God visual novel style story. You've managed to realize exactly what it was from the beginning to end. You even added some other anime references that seemed to further the self-realization. Simple, clean, and effective. You seem very adept with knowing how to write properly. You know where to add descriptions, where to keep the action flowing, and how to use the first-person POV properly.

The Okay: Eh... It's generic though. For the million and one animes with a childhood friend, this would be #728,311 (random number). I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but this lacks the pizzazz that stranger concepts have.

The Bad: The ending. It just seems like a "Fuck, I'm reaching the word limit. I'll throw in a random ending here." If anything, the beginning could be shorter for a better ending. Structually, this entire thing is sound, but ending wise, it could use a lot of help. If anything, keep working on writing and try to make a full story.

Review #5

The Good: I'm a sucker for melodrama. I just love it. LOVE IT. Made sense about everything. From what I understand, the dying heart is at least filled with the protagonist. That is some kawaii shit right there. More than anything, I enjoyed the final half of the story. It just seemed so much like a real story, that I was involved into that more than anything else. I'm not going to talk about grammer since you seemed to follow all the rules.

Grammer: OKAY (this is new, going to do it for all reviews)

The Okay: Is it me, or is anyone creeped out that a girl managed to take your photo and shove it in her locket? Unless you were clearly dating, that is a little on the freakier side. Other than that, it seems a little random that a girl is following this boy. Then again, it does make sense in a hospital full of old people.

The Bad: The first half. Not in the sense that it actually is bad, but it is a completely story from the second half. Let me reconstruct this story for you. If you began "in medias res" with the hand on the doorknob and played the entire story back like you wrote the second half, and then had the dialogue happen in the second half itself, I feel that the story could have been stronger. By no means am I saying this was a bad story, but the structure could have been different.

Review #6

The Good: I always enjoy a good mech warrior story. As for the entire battle, it was clearly visual. I'm assuming you write stories for these kinds of things in general. In terms of pacing, it was well done. A slight joke in the beginning with slowly increasing action as the story progressed. Every description was clear and in the moment. A solid piece.

Grammer: OK

The Okay/Bad: Inherently, there really is nothing "bad" about this piece. I feel that as an anecdote in a larger story, it would be an interesting piece, but in the context of the summer contest... the fuck? What on earth does this have to do with the themes: Romance, Summer, or Vacation? I assumed you'd try to get away with throwing the word summer into it or adding some random vacation element, but even that wasn't in here. In fact, this has nothing to do with the contest at all. You merely made a random story in 1500 words or less. That is possible for anyone really. It's the restrictive element of themes and FAKKU that make this contest interesting.

Review #7 (I'm just speeding through these aren't I? :3)

The Good: Nice little squeeze of humor right in the beginning. Mentally, I replaced "Hentai Writer" with "published author" while Erica was just an actress (this is for my own sake since I can't believe the current world :p) It was a nice little twist at the end and the main character was an honest to good guy, which is always enjoyable. Story structure wise, it works.

The Okay: At first I thought the guy was a little weird trying to keep her there, but I reread. The line that got me creeped out a little was "I must be careful not to scare her." Not saying that's entirely wrong, but it just sounds creepy. There are a few grammatical errors- mostly in terms of tense usage.

The Bad: Already knew the ending from the get go. The writing was much more "and then... and then..." instead of in the middle of it all. For example, at the end, you wrote, "I went to open the door. To my surprise, it was Erica." then followed with "what are you doing here ?!?! - I shouted in surprise." It just sounds wordy. You could have easily wrote that the protagonist goes to the door, sees Erica and reacts to it. Personal writing preference, but if that is your style of writing, so be it.

Review #8

The Good: It's about a disable kid and it's well done. This could have easily turned into some random sex scene (depending on your writing style), but it didn't. It was just an innocent guy liking a girl. It worked out well for me. I like the fact that you tried to something different. Out of all these people, I'm going to assume (but don't hold me to it), that you're the only one who did a love story about a guy in a wheelchair. For that, I admire your bravery.

Grammer: Alright, a few issues here and there.

The Okay: I'm a little confused. They stare at each other and that's it. From the "one night stand" part, I figured they had sex, but it's not really explicitly stated, so I feel like they just didn't. Look onto "the Bad" side for what I assume actually is sex.

The Bad: They had... sex? If you're going to add sex, add sex. If you're going to refer to sex, then refer it. Don't just say, they looked at each other for what seemed like hours. The only way I ever knew it was sex was the one night stand part. Then again, that immediately pins this girl as a giant whore. She's so unreserved that she opens her legs for any guy she runs into? I don't know about you, but that seems like a giant unattractive feature of a girl. They meet for a minute and BAM! Sex. It's not that he made any effort or that he's a handsome playboy, he's a disabled, introverted kid. That in of itself is unattractive (let's be honest here). Then a gorgeous girl just wants sex? The premise made it entirely unbelievable. On a side note, if you're going to have dialogue, please create a new paragraph unless it breaks the train of thought. Even if it's an introspective monologue, that also deserves it's own paragraph. If you don't do it that way, the story is just harder to read.

Review #9

The Good: â—•†¿†¿â—• Descriptions. Delicious descriptions. Honestly, I thought it was going to hit like 3000 words the second I saw it. Why? Because there was a clear plot and tons of description. Managing a word limit while not sacrificing actual description/plot is a mastery in of itself. The truth is, and a lot of people can get pointers from this, is that it isn't the plot that really propels the story, it's the way it's written. If you wrote plebeian style like, "and then I hit her until she died," I would have said, "eh... decent plot." You use the senses. Goddamn it if we were given senses to live with, then I want to know what I should sense when I read a story. The key is immersion. By allowing the reader to interact with the story using his own senses, you give him a world to go into. Nice work Xenon.

Grammar: Fucking awful. (sarcastic)

The OK: The visual representation of the piece... I feel like you could have shortened/separated chunks of each paragraph. In general, if we don't see a nice divide, we begin entering mass text syndrome and fail to read everything- especially when a piece is description heavy.

The Bad: Before I continue, allow me to say, this is higher tier of work that I'm reviewing now. Because of that I'm going to judge even harsher than others: While you do use the child reference in both the beginning and end, I was curious as to why. I'm not judging you aesthetic choices, but rather the character doesn't evolve. From the beginning, I assume, he feels like a child, but at the end, he should (d)evolve. Either his eyes have opened due to murder or he becomes more childlike.

On the ending: I understood he died with her, but it doesn't explain why she's magically with him at the end. It just kind of left a confusing note to the ending.

Some of the word usage feels more like you went to a thesaurus rather than came up with it on the spot. The reason is that some of the words seem to deject from what seems to be the actual feel of the story. Some of the description seemed superfluous. As if you just wanted to fill it with description rather than wanting a scene to be surrounded by it. If anything, this has some scent of a mix of stream of thought without a proper structure or second opinion.

It's super harsh, but again, this is some real reviewing. Now just the normal stuff since your work definitely deserves it.

Review #10

The Good: VANILLA ALERT! So sweet. It's always a pleasure to read something that starts as a realistic "just-friends" scenario, calls the main character into action, and then tops it all off with the nice vanilla flavor. Everything about this made sense- even the main character. He's not a loser, an overly angsty kid, or some dysfunctional member of society, he's a play boy. That in of itself makes me attracted to the story premise. Why? Because that means a good looking guy is self-cognizant of his own features and uses them to the best of his abilities. He is a likeable character simply because he is as real as any one of us. He is the example of a proper protagonist in a short story. Not much can change in terms of the character in a short story, but he is likeable in the beginning and doesn’t need to change. Rather than him changing, it's the environment that he reacts to is what the meat of the story is.

Grammar: Alright, general tense issues

The OK: Your dialogue is a little awkward. If all he wants is money from his girlfriends, then why would he want to work at a seaside cafe? It sounds to me like he just likes the idea of having money, rather than actually needing it. Because of that, his belief of "no cash, no love" just stands off as a little awkward.

The Bad: Structure. In a short story, you need a continuous pace of action. Unless it's meant to have time jumps, try to avoid time jumps in general. They only serve to pull the readers away from being immersed into the story. Another thing is, if you're going to have characters, then have a purpose for them. It sounded like the owner of the store would have a more significant part, but she is given a spotlight flag of: "Hey, I'm the aggressive Mom/childhood friend character" instead of "this is a throwaway character. Please disregard." It also sped up too much at the end. I'm going to assume you hit the word limit by the end of it and decided to fuck it all and just throw plot in. I have to say I'm guilty of this too, but I'm reviewing this as a story, not as something with the 1500 word limit.

Review #11

Grammer: Alright.

The OK/Bad: I'm going to be brutally honest. I'm not sure what you were going with here. You created a character that there is no way we can like. Self-deprication is not an honorable quality when that, in of itself, is the only quality he has. He has a million and one phobias, he's ugly, a creeper, and an introvert. The strongest aspect of an unlikeable character is that one quality that validates the rest of the bad ones. In this case, you seem to make him out as a bad guy, through and through. Let me give you an example. In one of these stories, the main character was a playboy only out for money- yet he's insanely likeable. Why? Because when he is called into action, he disregards himself and goes to save another person.

Structure wise, I honestly don't know who the main character is talking to. Is it the audience? Or is it his diary? There needs to be context if you're breaking the fourth wall.

Review #12

As Rise requested, on the topic of theme compatibility. The point of using Fakku! as a reference was to try to integrate it into the writing. Whether it's a porno book, the web site, or a plot device as a whole. What you did was basically throw the name in rather than try to add it in with the story.

In another sense, the topics were clearly, Romance, Summer, Vacation. What you created was a creepy apocalyptic short. The key about writing is knowing what your audience/reviewers want. In this case, it was pretty clear the main theme was to write a romance/coming-of-age/vanilla all involving summer and vacationing. It just made common sense.

The Good: It's a very colorful piece with a lot of description. I love description. It had a strong undertone of apocalypse in it while creating a general sense of two people living the end of the world together. In terms of time progression, I did like what you did by having an almost journal style way of writing.

Grammar: Alright.

The OK: Because it felt more journal-like and it was a "moments before the apocalypse" kind of story, I felt that instead of adding just ***, you could have written dates or times.

The Bad: Truthfully, the description. It wasn't that the description was bad, it was that it was description for the sake of description. Rather than fueling the plot of the story with description, it creating a detachment to the actual plot by describing something like the land instead of describing the feelings of the main character. The parts that did create an introspective look into the main character didn't mesh well with the overall story structure.

Review #13

The Good: It had very current feeling with a good system of keeping the flow of action going. At no point did I wonder at what point he is in his life. He’s clearly down on his dumps and used an escape to start a new life. A strong flip of character at the end- but it leaves a few questions.

The OK: If you’re writing dialogue, it’s proper to split consecutive lines of dialogue into separate passages. This just makes it easier to read.

The Bad: I’m a little lost. Why NTR and who is Daigo? He literally comes up out of nowhere as the reason why the main character is suffering. If he is the issue, then he should have been the focus. I can assume it’s Aika’s current boyfriend, but are you implying that the main character fully thought of raping a girl who is already dating another guy? In a way that does increase the flip of character moment where he shines, but as it stands, it’s very confusing.

Review #14

Note: If this is going to be a fan-fiction, please say it.

Note 2: I dislike most fan-fiction in general, so I’m going to review this as a normal story with fantasy elements.

The Good: In terms of story, you have a clear introduction into the world of the story, a purpose for the main character, and a quasi-past/present kind of thing going on at the end. If I actually wanted to read a fan fiction, I guess I wouldn’t need descriptions for all the pokemon…

Grammer: OK

The OK: I would really hope that you pretend that the reader has no idea what he’s getting himself into. I usually disregard fan-fictions, but for the sake of the contest, I’m reading all 0 reviewed stories if possible. Though I understood some of the references since my knowledge of pokemon stops at Generation 1, I would like a little more on the romance side. Even though it is a fan fiction, you should focus on the romantic side more.

The Bad: It’s a fan fiction. The issue with fan fictions is that they are either too self-aware that it is a fan fiction or it is too unaware. The major benefit you get as a fan fiction writer is that the world is already created. You’re just playing with the puppets. At the same time, every piece of writing needs descriptions. You have almost no descriptions even in the original content areas. Because of that, the world seems very flat and unable to evolve.

Review #15?

Sorry for the long overdue:

I... Cannot review it like the "Good" "OK" and "Bad" simply because it is a personal rant.

That said, good show.

I would rather much, very please, insert any other sign of want/need, that you do an actual story with a massively self-deprecating person. I would enjoy that a lot actually.

Other than that, blah, blah, blah Good Grammar/Spelling. CoffeePrince Spell Check accepts.

Honestly, I would rate this if this were a story, but being a rant, I can only say, "I like how you think."

Review #16

Good God...

There...

Is...

A...

Space...

After...

Every...

Sentence.

:p

The Good: In terms of organization and structure, it made sense. A clear introduction, a clear progressive storyline with an adventure of "where?" are they going. It's a very adorable story between two people and it leaves a good feeling...

The OK: But! This is all in Japanese style. Allow me to explain another pet peeve. If you're writing in English, use common English. Here is an example: If for some reason, I decided to use: あなたダウン 私のダチ？ I apologize for the bad translation, but if that was "You down, my nigga?" would that really make sense to anyone in Japan? Similarly, if you use names, that's fine, but if you start using things like "doki doki" instead of "thump thump" and similar Japanese sayings, then I have a slight issue. All it shouts out is "WEEABOO" instead of writer. Secondly, stop breaking sentences up because there were literally no full paragraphs at all.

The Bad: It seems very- normal in a way. There's nothing that different and everything happened as I thought it would. If anything the reader wants to know more about what the main character is thinking. We want to immerse ourselves and feel what the character is feeling. Without clues as to how he actually is, we begin to lose interest.

Review #17

Note: A good writer will always change his style according to the reviews. If something isn't working, change it. I respect Jericho a great deal, so please don't assume that he owes you anything. In fact, you're lucky that he does review your stuff time and time again.

The Good: The very first part seeemed to grab the reader. Not only does the female character want to know more, but in essence, we are Rachel. We want to know more about this protagonist's dark past. We're left with questions such as, "who is this man?" or "who are the Purists?" or "what happened?" From here, we understand that he use to be an esteemed boy as his father was that hope of the Purists. Afterwards, things get a little dicy.

The OK: Jarring. Though my own form of writing is very much similar to yours: stream-of-thought, dictation style (the way we read it is the way we wanted to say it. This method of writing is very akin to theater or acting in general. Every comma/hyphen represents a dramatic pause or a list that tells the reader to take his/her time with it or speed through it. That said, there is an issue in that the reader has no idea which one to do). If this isn't the case, then please disregard. Nevertheless, I found this to be jarring in that, the way the stream-of-thought progressed seemed to be random. Though I personally can tell where you wanted me to pause, speed, dramatically feel, etc, I worry for anyone else. This way of writing is not a bad way as long as you give key hints as to what you want the reader to physically do. I personally like this style and enjoyed the story.

The Bad: You created this lore behind the character- and then never deliver. What about the scar? Nope, not telling... Ok, then what happened in the past? Nope, not telling... What on earth are the Purists? Nope, not telling... Do you see the issue here? A good story answers every question the reader has in the beginning and only raises more either if they, in of itself, will answer the first questions or all the previous questions were already answered. Granted there is that mythos/throughline that the reader follows throughout the story, but it's those little questions that make us continue reading.

Now that Blaze is my reviewer-in-arms, I agree with him. You've given his attributes as a son of a great general- thus either smart, has connections, or trained in some form of combat. Beating the shit out of a random guy is not a form of combat. I agree that if he has this background, then he should use it.

My senses are telling me you wanted to create the story of the tragic hero. The tragedy in a tragic hero is that no matter what he does, it all falls on top of him. His greatest strengths become his greatest weaknesses. In Oedipus Rex, he is a high-borne, intelligent, and morally righteous person. Because he killed his own father, since Oedipus was in the right, his quest to solve the plague only leads him to himself. That is the tragedy. That as great of a person as he is, his one mistake turned his world upside down.

Review #18

The Good: Ouch... we got some NTR shit going on here. This entire thing played out like a drama gone sour. I was about to give a giant groan when I was going to read a story about a guy meeting a girl online and falling in love. I was half-expecting, they meet up, they get all lovey-dovey, then end. THEN you added Gabe to this whole mess. Thank God for Gabe. Bam! Total douche bag, an emotionally damaged girl, and a hapless romantic. You have a solid mix here and I enjoyed the ending for some reason- a lot. That's not to say I would ever do that, but it does feel like something like that would happen in something as flimsy as an online relationship. I like it.

Grammer: OK

The OK: For some reason, I didn't like the last line. "And it burns, even today." I'm use to hollywood endings/thought processes, thus I wanted to see the main character try to win her back or accept her for what she did. Not drop her like a dead fish and continue on. Even if he did, that last line left a bitter taste onto the whole piece. It just didn't match for some reason.

The Bad: Gabe seemed a little fake. The lines that he said were too rigid or just didn't feel right with the character. If he's going to be a douchebag, let him be either be a colossal douche or an accidental douche. What I mean here is that you chose something in between which results in an awkward area of writing. A colossal douche would be banging the girl for shits and giggles- and to insult the main character since it's fucking funny to watch a person squirm. An accidental douche is someone who is just ignorant or overly close-minded. As a result, he seemed a little fake. Structure wise, I felt like the beginning was too long and the action didn't actually happen until much later on. I'd rather see the main character have time to deal with a series of events rather than it being tossed at him only to end the entire story a few paragraphs later.

Review #19

The Good: As it was stated before, you have a really good way of combining the words into a clear image. While you took liberties to pause and continue once more, they fit in perfectly like a puzzle. I can honestly say that I really didn't expect that he'd be dead until near the end- which is great. It takes a decent writer to be able to allude to the ending without ever actually revealing it. It flowed very well and the ending is exactly what I wanted- even that last line. It's none of this angsty stuff that becomes so introspective that you'd think the main character is some sort of philospher, but rather a statement or poetic response before disappearing.

Grammer: OK

The OK: Rather than being a statement, I'm going to talk about Carlise's comment. In all honestly, no one ever said that this had to be about anime. It's simply a summer romance story written by English speakers. While this, in essense, is an anime/manga based site, writing is left to what feels most natural... and for us, that would be English/American style rather than Japanese. While I did like the ending, I also didn't like it. Rather than being a negative, I'm considering this just a personal preference choice. Him randomly dying without a reason for death feels a little too deus ex machina for me. This is what I was thinking: And... suddenly he's dead. I looked back, did I miss something? ... Lightning? Lightning struck him? No. Thank God... but still, No clue.

I would like a reason for his death rather than being- he's dead Jim. Maybe something that has to do with the sun. Then you can change the last statement to: I think I have loved the sun too much.

The Bad: Because I throughly enjoyed this, I'm going to treat you like I treated Xenon. Your writing deserves more than the simple tirade that I normally go on other people (i.e. I'm going to be super harsh). What on earth does the sun have to do with the overall story? You allude to it like it's going to have a deeper meaning, but you never explicitly state it. Also, why would the main character speak in past tense if he doesn't realize he's dead yet? That's less foreshadow than confused self-awareness. Also, in this entire story, there was one thing that bugged me from the beginning. When you used the word "mollify" I assumed you were trying to say "put back together" rather than the actual meaning. Allow me to explain: It took seconds until they came back to its place to mollify me <-> It took seconds until they came back to its place to reduce my anxiety. That entire sentence throws me off.

The whole ending with the sky crying... is a little overdone. When, every second, you are talking about the sun, you toss in the rain. Now, that might not seem bad, but in truth, the main character/story doesn't need a sudden weather change. If anything, it just adds more words to a story.

Review #20

The Good: You know, as a light novel, it has it's own charm. It has a feel that flows a really well, but I can't explain it that well. It has a decent story that, at first feels like a zombie apocalypse (not sure why), but then turns into its own world somehow.

On the good side, you did integrate a Japanese-related world with English speakers quite well. It felt like a traditional English story based in a foriegn country.

Grammer: Decent, a few mistakes here and there.

The OK: The ending was very unresolved. For a short story, this doesn't really work. I assume you did this as the beginning to a much larger story simply because there's a large amount of information being tossed at us, but very little time to process it.

The Bad: The ending... Also the story was a little muddled up since you seem to jump into tangents at the flip of a hat. There's bite sized passages that turn into seemingly unrelated passages also. That's the gist of my issues with this.

Well done Jerry.

Let me be straight since this was all I was thinking about while I was reading it. It doesn't work as a story- really. Hold on now, don't think that means it's bad.

It works more as a narration to an animation or a voice-over. Think: Bastion (video game) where the narrator knew the main character, but never actually explained his connection. To me, the narrator sounded more like Xenon the Bartender. Add that western drawl while you read it, and it sounds much better.

In a way, I think that's also a negative. It may work really well as a voice-over or narration, it works less so as a short story to read.

In this review, I'll give you exactly why I felt this was not as good as your normal writing. *GASP* an actual reason instead of vague, "it's not as good" answers!

Going back to my usual grading system:

Review #21

The Good: Excellent usage of committing yourself to a narration where the character doesn't really let you know exactly how he feels, but lets you know his general emotions (meaning we figure it out ourselves- further setting Xenon as the narrator). You created a brilliant world where I would like to know more, but at the same time, feels sufficient enough to be an enjoyable experience. It is a pleasure to read this and this is exactly why I didn't want to read it until I read everyone else's- too much of a good thing and I get spoiled.

Grammar: OK

The OK/Bad: I kinda figured why people felt that they weren't connecting. It's simply this: if the tone that I immediately got was that Xenon was narrating the story of Adam, then the reader cannot be connected unless this is, in actuality, Xenon's story. While you did set up Adam as the main character, we never really got deep into Adam's psyche, thus detaching us from him as a character. This leads me to another point: we'd rather watch and listen than become.

The point of a main character is that we empathize with him/her and almost become him/her. In Harry Potter, you knew every detail about him from the beginning. In Huckleberry Finn, you were him. In this story, we're suppose to be not the main character, but a different character that no longer shows up? That's the issue of detachment.

Now imagine you were physically watching one character journey on with the bartender's voice. This story makes much more sense. That, in of itself, comes with a few issues though.

You wrote as the main character himself- meaning you have a unaware narrator describing the main character at a mostly superficial level. The main character clearly cannot be the narrator since why would there be a lot of mystery surround the main character if we are the main character. Thus, there is a third party describing the events to us about Adam and how he generally felt.

Personal input, but play Bastion, and you'll know exactly what I mean. I'm going to take a random paragraph and change it. Also, say it in this way: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RTkUgov60g

There was no such thing as a watered down drink in 15 but everyone still found a way to never get drunk. After the eighth round of the most caustic whiskey I served him, he was just another one of us in 15. Kid told me he got a headache from the pounding music- so he kept drinking. Could tell he was trying to forget his problems like the rest of us, but he actually did something about them. He drummed an empty glass on the bar and said, "Whiskey." That's all we had around these parts anyways. Kid pulled an old picture in his pocket out and put it on the bar.

For some reason, that sounds more like a narration that I connected with than using I for Adam.

Review #22

The Good: In terms of understanding the story, you sent the message loud and clear. I'm glad that you actually incorporated FAKKU! into the main plot of the story as oppose to just throwing it in there like many other people. This is a really tough thing to do considering what kind of site FAKKU! actually is >.> That said, while you do have a fairly awkward main character, it's the concept of a coming-of-age young kid who, though is socially awkward, he is like a lot of us. Again, you managed to do this without making him seem too angsty, introspective, or any other qualities that make us dislike a main character.

Grammar: OK

The OK: While I did like that you used FAKKU! as a plot device, it seemed a little strange that the world you created was so sexualized that people openly went to a theater to masturbate to porn. The issue about this- isn't that the world itself is sexualized, but rather if people were willing to openly masturbate in a theater- to the point where it is simply, alright, to invite a student (or anyone for that matter) to a mutual masturbation session as if it were an actual movie, then wouldn't a better plot device be to just fuck each other? Why masturbate together when you can have sex? That part confused me.

The Bad: ...4 parts? Why are there four parts in a short story? You could have easily described the events in a continuous action rather than splitting them up into minor chunks. If the word limit is 1500, planning four parts means you were expecting something like 375 words per chunk. That's roughly how many words are in this review. Another thing is that you don't really describe Sally's relationship. So they had a first date. Though the main character enjoyed her company, there is never any indication that she liked him back. You say that the main character thinks that she likes him back, but- it's a first date. Loving someone on the first date is a little strange to be honest...

Review #23

I'm still going to do OK simply because it's not that anything is a bad thing, it's that my personal preferences are compared to the story. It's how I personally felt, not overall structure, grammar, pacing, etc.

The Good: In terms of plot, you kept if flowing with an interesting character. While at the beginning, the self-introduction seemed a little weak, the middle made up for that. The good thing about the beginning is that it does introduce you into the world of the story as well as the mindset of the protagonist. What I also like is that you created a kinetic story where things are happening at a rapid enough pace to garner interest while keeping enough internal dialogue for us to understand who the characters are.

Grammar: OK

The OK: Personally, I do feel like this premise has been done time and time again. Though I do enjoy the dialogue, there isn't much else but the dialogue. While I did like, at the same time I wanted more descriptions. Never once are we explained to about Jo or what she even looks like, but then again, there is a word limit so I don't blame you. The question here is, was every line necessary? Was every word necessary? I feel that you could have sacrificed some plot or action for a little descriptions, but that's what I like doing.

The Bad: The beginning. Who is he talking to? Is there a reason why? If he's at the show, why would he talk to himself, or the audience? The problem here is that you're breaking the fourth wall by doing so. Another issue is the tense usage. You didn't have a clear grasp of either the past tense or present tense- you used both in the "this is what happened" aprt as well as the ending. You really need to define what time period each is. Another issue is the ending in general. If felt- weird. Not only is it rushed, but the protagonist never seemed to grow. He should have remained a douchebag or Jo should have made it a lot harder than: KAY, BONE ME. Seriously.

While I do agree that there is an incredible amount of detail in this scene, there are a couple of problems, one of which you can address. The main problem that you can fix is the fact that, as nice as your story is, it is one big wall 'o text. Break it up into paragraphs. I cannot stress this enough, especially since I fell victim to this when I started out as a writer.

The other issue, at least from my perspective, is that the primary conflict has not quite been addressed. Every story has a steady build up of events, culminating in a climax, followed by a resolution. While I can view the climax quite literally in this case, it doesn't seem to have sufficient falling action or resolution. The conflict is still the same. I feel that, if you had less restrictions, you could add more detail to the central conflict. Keep in mind that this last issue is merely my personal opinion and you are completely free to disagree.

Hmmm...okay then, now that there's more, I do have a few things to say. It's good to see that you are now adding a lot more to the story to follow my suggestion of adding more detail to your story. However, I feel that the biggest flaw of this story is how fast it is going, though I do understand that the word limit is an issue obviously. It could just be me, but it seems as if the confession is almost completely out of left field. Then again, I do recognize that there is build up there, but even still, it just feels random. My other criticism, though not as severe, is that it seems as if it concludes abruptly, but it's not a terrible thing.

Other than that, I definitely have to applaud you on taking constructive criticisms and actually incorporating it into your story. Few authors seem to do this, especially considering how much work is required to do so. Bravo, indeed. Now if only more writers were as dedicated as you are...

WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT TEXAS! [/jk] In all seriousness, what started out as a story as dull as the subject matter certainly took an intriguing turn. Something still feels unfulfilled here, but in any case, this story is something that threw me for a loop.

Hmmm...interesting. I am intrigued by the plot and unlike the others I've read at this point, it seems to have all the elements that a proper story requires. I know that feeling of having to make cuts in favor of keeping to the limit. The original draft of my story was 2,231 words, so I had to cut an entire prologue that set up what the main character was supposed to be like. I think the only thing that I am a little puzzled with is the fact that you stated that he was dying because he was using up his power, but at the end, he's still alive with no power. A minor nitpick, I know, but otherwise, an excellent story.

Actually, I agree that you should add to this. The story, while the central events are solid, they could use some more detail. For example, you say that they went on a date, but why not describe it? The same can be said for other events, but that's the one that stuck out the most.

Hmmm...actually, after reading this story, I'm still trying to wrap my head around what was going on. As the previous review stated, you seem to be jumping all over the place instead of focusing on one central element. It's a bit jarring reading each of these days when they seem to have almost no connection to each other. Also, the build-up of events in Day 2 just seems...unnatural. I get that you're trying to create a tragedy here, but it is a bit unrealistic, even for a fictional work, to have a father who acts loving at one moment and then homicidal towards his own daughter the next. I'll understand a beating, and I might even understand trying to kill the main character, but by having the father kill his own daughter out of the blue like that just doesn't make sense. To accomplish something like that, it takes a good amount of build-up into such a deed.

Secondly, this power your main character has just doesn't seem appropriate in the setting you've placed it. I understand it's fictional, but it's just so out of the blue and also incredibly vague. If the main character understands guns and comes from a military background, why not just use that as his source of strength or main skill? I'm not saying that he can't have some super power, but be reasonable about it. Super powers, when unchecked, just become incredible and frankly, boring. This is why I don't like Superman, for example.

I don't know if you have room to add another day in your story, but maybe it's best that you try and fix the central issues plaguing your work. I am in no way insulting your work and I believe the other reviewers here are trying to better your writing, considering that you asked for feedback.

Honestly, I'd have to disagree a bit here. I felt that the core conflict was resolved. Maybe not by finding a loved one, but by having the main character understanding himself a little better. It did have rising action, a climax, and falling action with a resolution. It could be because I am not aware of the story behind the story, but I find this piece quite well-written compared to the other works I have just read. Keep it up.

Wow, that totally turned everything on its head there. To be fair, you almost lost me on the way to the conclusion and you may want to reread some of your passages due to grammatical errors. However, I congratulate you on a great conclusion. Bravo.

Alright, it took a bit for me to come up with something constructive, but I finally have it down. It's base idea is pretty sound and does feel like a journal entry as someone has stated. Additionally, I would have to disagree and state that there actually is a semblance of rising action, climax, and somewhat of a resolution, but to be fair, they feel a bit weak and not as easy to identify. The ending, while open ended, certainly has that chilling possibility of the main character dying.

Now, I might just be nitpicking here, but Anima just seemed to come out of left field a bit. I'm not going to say that you should remove her, but maybe you might want to slowly incorporate her into the journal. Of course, maybe I'm just being blind to said bits of her presence. Again, just a personal nitpick, but I do agree with her presence as it gives the main character someone to interact with, which is always a plus. Some of the other consciousness stories seem to be focused just on a person alone, which tends to make them boring. Anima's presence separates this story from some of the others. Nonetheless, this is one of the better works I've read at this point.

Huh...kinda gruesome... In any case, it certainly is interesting, if not random. I...I'm actually at a loss of words on just how to describe it. Give me a moment while my stomach settles back down...

Okay, I think I've regained my- *barf* Wait, no I haven't. Anyway, I do have to say that this story totally threw me for a loop. For a moment, I thought this was a fan fiction of Star Ocean 3 and treated it as such up until the very end. The action leading up to all of this is great and what a climax. The ending resolution did a great job to bring all of this together. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to finish emptying out my stomach.

Wow...this is just painful to read, but not in a bad way, mind you. Maybe it's because I can understand a few aspects of this story, but in any case, you did a good job in creating stories with all the base elements necessary. However, this story seems to leave a bit of an empty feeling for some reason. It might be that I personally did not feel that this was resolved, but that is more of a personal opinion than an actual critique. Otherwise, good job. I'll go slit my wrists now while listening to emo. [/jk]

Hmmm...okay then. I'll definitely agree that I couldn't tell that it was a Yuri relationship until the end, especially since the last character I remember named Koyuki was the main character of Beck. In any case, there's a lot of good rising action here, but for some reason, I don't feel that this story has a climax. If it is there, it feels a bit weaker to be identified as such and as a result, the resolution doesn't appear to be as strong. Granted, these are personal opinions.

Additionally, I agree that the two segments almost seem too disconnected and that there is a lot that happens between them. As someone already stated, this feels like a current story you have that has been trimmed down to accommodate the competition, but that's just conjecture. I do commend the subtle Yuri surprise at the end, though it doesn't feel as powerful as it should to me for some reason. In any case, best of luck!

Hmmm...I hate to be a bit on the negative side, but while it contains by far my favorite anime franchise, I didn't like this story as much as I wanted to. Trust me, I REALLY wanted to put this story on my favorites list. Anyway, the very first thing that is bugging me is detail. Considering I am an absolute Gundam fanatic, it's a bit disappointing for you to create five Gundams, but give absolutely no description of them past their names. It's absolute torture for me, since I don't even have a mecha profile to go off of. In this case, you should have either stuck with established mecha or gone through the trouble of describing your original Gundams.

On top of that, there's also the fact that THERE IS NO FIGHTING AT ALL. I know that's part of the resolution and all, and I understand that you have a word limit, but this is also killing me that you wrote a Gundam-themed work, yet no fighting is described whatsoever. I get that this is a Romeo and Juliet situation and it's painfully obvious, but this just doesn't feel like the way to go. To be fair, my own story was somewhat structured like this one at a time, but there is a reason that I absolutely cannot stray from that structure. You, on the other hand, CAN afford to stray from this structure. It probably would have been better if the slice of life stuff was dispersed among all the fighting that should be in this story. Additionally, I felt that the exposition at the end which is what was supposed to set up the entire conflict felt extremely weak. This isn't like Romeo and Juliet where Juliet has to stand by her own family. Cecilia has the choice to join her lover and the exposition doesn't feel as if that is a substantial reason for her to stay with an obviously unjust government if not only does she not have any real stake in staying, but actually creates an unnecessary conflict. Oh, and while you did put that diary page that's not supposed to count, honestly, it's superfluous to your story anyway. Mentioning the necklace is enough to imply that they had a good time at the beach.

I think the one thing that I have not discussed in this critique is if this story has all the proper elements to it. It does have a lot of rising action here, but due to the nature of the story, it seems that you left the audience at the climax and did not have the falling action. Again, I REALLY WANT TO LIKE THIS STORY A LOT. It shows that I have a personal bias in this review, but at the same time, that is why I am being especially critical of this story compared to all the other ones I've read. In fact, I might decide to write my own little Gundam fic just for shits and giggles.

Now that I've calmed down, I will give you a little credit for the little homages to Gundam that you put in. I recognize the title as one of the Zeta Gundam movies and I can tell you like Gundam to have the balls to have your story based off a currently existing anime franchise. However, the solution to your problem is not to add an extension, but to fix what you have. Sure, an extension would be nice for the future, but for the sake of the contest, I suggest you fix this up. The idea is sound and I'm definitely rooting for this story like no other, but as it is now, it's a shadow of the greatness that it could be. This is especially why I'm so critical about this story. I KNOW it can be great. All you have to do is edit it accordingly, though you could be in for a large editing job if you REALLY want to win this contest.

Okay then...well...now I'm actually thoroughly confused. I get that there's this turned down romance, but was Momoka also on the plane? You failed to mention this because I was trying to figure out when the protagonist and Momoka even met in the first place. It's disorganized and while I was intrigued with the fact that he's a wizard, I feel that it fails to make this relevant, aside from making the character aware of the magical items. Sure, you've mentioned the summoning of giant tie-wearing hens, but that is exactly your issue: show, don't tell. You need a lot more detail and frankly, you're not even close to the word limit! You've got at least 500 words and that's being generous because I estimate that you have a little over 700 words available. Use them!

Asides from that, this story has potential. I just feel that you are not quite tapping into that potential. Once you've cleared all the little things, I feel that this story, and your writing for that matter, will be stronger for it.

To be fair, this story actually does fit the requirements, but it's very weak. The reference to FAKKU is a very weak one and if you fudge a few details, it seems as if this is a sort of post-apocalyptic love story and it could be considered an unwanted vacation. Could be. However, I can also understand why Cinia does not feel that this entry fits the theme. Honestly, this story feels very disconnected and disorganized. There is rising action in a sense, but it doesn't really feel like it's rising. It just feels like a sequence of events before the climax of a great boom, then essentially no resolution.

I am very critical about this structure when it comes to every story that I read. When one fails to follow the structure, you tend to get stories such as this one, which seem to meander all over the place and again, the themes feel very weak. I suggest adding more detail and making the themes a little stronger. This needs to be organized. That way, at least you have a shot at this competition. Otherwise, this entry will be largely ignored and pushed to the side.