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CoffeePrince · 2012-07-15T07:44:47+00:00

Guys, there's a lot of you. I'm sure all of you want reviews. This is my format: The Good, The OK, and the Bad. I'm brutally honest, but if I genuinely like something, I'll like it. Here are the people I reviewed so far: 1. TheXAXAguy: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91491 Spoiler:Review: Note, biggest pet peeve is not capitalizing I... Good: In truth, it is really closest to home. The idea of keeping an eye on the girl you like, following her around like a puppy dog, and just enjoying the sight of her. I assume this is a more personal story for you than anything else. Because of that, I actually felt like I was back in high school since I too liked a girl. Unfortunately, I asked her out and failed miserable :p You seemed very introspective in the beginning which is a big plus and you understand the strengths of the first person POV as a tool for introspection. Okay: JESUS CHRIST! CAPITALIZE "I" PLEASE! *ahem* Sorry. This is just a personal note, but I was fairly disappointed in the ending. Why a typical happy ending? If this is a personal story, and every phrase is a period of self-deprication, it only leads the reader to realize that the author was denied. The ending seemed more of a curve ball than a happy ending. The way this prose was written just seems to beg for a tragic ending. Then the other thing I noticed is that the entire "tale of two cities" dialogue you had in the intro kind of asked for a continous train of thought. That did not follow the second the story began. What was even the purpose of the intro then? Bad: While I had to go through the capitization and stream of conscious way of writing, one thing seemed prevalent: proofreading. The tenses change at the flip of a coin and that, my friend, just confuses the shit out of us. Most 1st person POVs follow an "in the moment" process of thought, but this prose switches from the three major tenses sometimes in a single sentence- which leads me to this point. And... and... and... makes for a run on sentence. Finally, while this was suppose to be a 1st person, something about it just didn't seem that 1st person-y about it... Aside from the grammer issues, I felt a little disconnected with the prose the further it went on. Especially at the "and then TIME JUMP" part. You created a sense of urgency and then added a time jump. What I want to ask is "Why?" Why did the character do nothing? Why did he not keep asking himself questions? Why did he just accept the status quo? The character seemed less of a character and more of a wallflower. P.S. Sorry for the harsh review. 2. gardeford: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91468 Spoiler:My Review: I figured, now that judging began, I'd start my own review on each person going up from the list. You're first :3 The good: I enjoyed the initial description of the woman. The description was pleasing to read and I found myself slight aroused. At first it really did sound like normal, "guy-meets-girl" story with an erotic scene afterwards. I was pleased that it was much more than that. I definitely did not expect anything like a giant insect lady hell-bent on eating him. It seemed more like a giant "fuck you" to any of those hentai premises that normally exist. The okay: There are plenty of grammatical and spelling errors in here. Not to mention some tangents that weren't necessary i.e. [gift from his father]. I would have enjoyed it more if the dinner scene that acted as a mere vehicle into the next part had more substance to it. The ending- don't change it :3. The bad: At first I this whole story ran afoul when I read the "I feel so alone..." part. If I had known in advanced that this was a fuck you to hentai or just a hentai premise in general, I assume it would have been okay. The bad part is, I assumed it was a normal story since it treated itself as a story and not a hentai premise (technically it could be still, but I digress). I'm not entirely sure how it is possible to change it, but it didn't seem as self-aware as I hoped. 3. TbaggrVance: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91488 Spoiler:Review: For the love of God, why doesn't anyone capitalize!?! (;____;X (sad whale) The Good: Description, description, description. Though I enjoyed the pieces of description, I would have liked more in general so I could actually see the world and not just various items. To be honest, I've never played the game nor do I know anything about the characters, but your earlier description kind of brought me into the game world a bit. This entire part seemed to be more a singular anecdote in the midst of a much larger story- because of that I did take some time figuring out the world. The Okay: Because it read like a game and less like a story, it felt just like that. It felt like a visual novel. Not to say that is entirely a bad thing, but if you are going to write a story, please do just that, write a story. Also, the reference to fakku seemed a little random as you said in your description. The Bad: I got lost. Throughout this entire anecdote, nothing really happened. A guy meets a girl in a market, says hello and talks about books. Then there were random things that were never answered. What do that flowers at the lake have to do anything with the whole story? Even if it is a fan fiction, if you are writing a story, it should be all-encompassing. It also seemed a little boring. People talking about books, despite the overarching story, is generally boring. Something needs to be happening in the middle of it all. 4. zerochances: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91523 Spoiler:My Review: Yey! Capitalization and punctuation? I heart you. The Good: Honestly, it is an honest-to-God visual novel style story. You've managed to realize exactly what it was from the beginning to end. You even added some other anime references that seemed to further the self-realization. Simple, clean, and effective. You seem very adept with knowing how to write properly. You know where to add descriptions, where to keep the action flowing, and how to use the first-person POV properly. The Okay: Eh... It's generic though. For the million and one animes with a childhood friend, this would be #728,311 (random number). I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but this lacks the pizzazz that stranger concepts have. The Bad: The ending. It just seems like a "Fuck, I'm reaching the word limit. I'll throw in a random ending here." If anything, the beginning could be shorter for a better ending. Structually, this entire thing is sound, but ending wise, it could use a lot of help. If anything, keep working on writing and try to make a full story. 5. xninebreaker: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91522 Spoiler:Review #5 The Good: I'm a sucker for melodrama. I just love it. LOVE IT. Made sense about everything. From what I understand, the dying heart is at least filled with the protagonist. That is some kawaii shit right there. More than anything, I enjoyed the final half of the story. It just seemed so much like a real story, that I was involved into that more than anything else. I'm not going to talk about grammer since you seemed to follow all the rules. Grammer: OKAY (this is new, going to do it for all reviews) The Okay: Is it me, or is anyone creeped out that a girl managed to take your photo and shove it in her locket? Unless you were clearly dating, that is a little on the freakier side. Other than that, it seems a little random that a girl is following this boy. Then again, it does make sense in a hospital full of old people. The Bad: The first half. Not in the sense that it actually is bad, but it is a completely story from the second half. Let me reconstruct this story for you. If you began "in medias res" with the hand on the doorknob and played the entire story back like you wrote the second half, and then had the dialogue happen in the second half itself, I feel that the story could have been stronger. By no means am I saying this was a bad story, but the structure could have been different. 6. Second_Prototype: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91504 Spoiler:Review #6 The Good: I always enjoy a good mech warrior story. As for the entire battle, it was clearly visual. I'm assuming you write stories for these kinds of things in general. In terms of pacing, it was well done. A slight joke in the beginning with slowly increasing action as the story progressed. Every description was clear and in the moment. A solid piece. Grammer: OK The Okay/Bad: Inherently, there really is nothing "bad" about this piece. I feel that as an anecdote in a larger story, it would be an interesting piece, but in the context of the summer contest... the fuck? What on earth does this have to do with the themes: Romance, Summer, or Vacation? I assumed you'd try to get away with throwing the word summer into it or adding some random vacation element, but even that wasn't in here. In fact, this has nothing to do with the contest at all. You merely made a random story in 1500 words or less. That is possible for anyone really. It's the restrictive element of themes and FAKKU that make this contest interesting. 7. Randomliner: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91503 Spoiler:Review #7 (I'm just speeding through these aren't I? :3) The Good: Nice little squeeze of humor right in the beginning. Mentally, I replaced "Hentai Writer" with "published author" while Erica was just an actress (this is for my own sake since I can't believe the current world :p) It was a nice little twist at the end and the main character was an honest to good guy, which is always enjoyable. Story structure wise, it works. The Okay: At first I thought the guy was a little weird trying to keep her there, but I reread. The line that got me creeped out a little was "I must be careful not to scare her." Not saying that's entirely wrong, but it just sounds creepy. There are a few grammatical errors- mostly in terms of tense usage. The Bad: Already knew the ending from the get go. The writing was much more "and then... and then..." instead of in the middle of it all. For example, at the end, you wrote, "I went to open the door. To my surprise, it was Erica." then followed with "what are you doing here ?!?! - I shouted in surprise." It just sounds wordy. You could have easily wrote that the protagonist goes to the door, sees Erica and reacts to it. Personal writing preference, but if that is your style of writing, so be it. 8. linkcam: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91400 Spoiler:Review #8 The Good: It's about a disable kid and it's well done. This could have easily turned into some random sex scene (depending on your writing style), but it didn't. It was just an innocent guy liking a girl. It worked out well for me. I like the fact that you tried to something different. Out of all these people, I'm going to assume (but don't hold me to it), that you're the only one who did a love story about a guy in a wheelchair. For that, I admire your bravery. Grammer: Alright, a few issues here and there. The Okay: I'm a little confused. They stare at each other and that's it. From the "one night stand" part, I figured they had sex, but it's not really explicitly stated, so I feel like they just didn't. Look onto "the Bad" side for what I assume actually is sex. The Bad: They had... sex? If you're going to add sex, add sex. If you're going to refer to sex, then refer it. Don't just say, they looked at each other for what seemed like hours. The only way I ever knew it was sex was the one night stand part. Then again, that immediately pins this girl as a giant whore. She's so unreserved that she opens her legs for any guy she runs into? I don't know about you, but that seems like a giant unattractive feature of a girl. They meet for a minute and BAM! Sex. It's not that he made any effort or that he's a handsome playboy, he's a disabled, introverted kid. That in of itself is unattractive (let's be honest here). Then a gorgeous girl just wants sex? The premise made it entirely unbelievable. On a side note, if you're going to have dialogue, please create a new paragraph unless it breaks the train of thought. Even if it's an introspective monologue, that also deserves it's own paragraph. If you don't do it that way, the story is just harder to read. 9. Xenon: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91234 Spoiler:Review #9 The Good: â—•†¿†¿â—• Descriptions. Delicious descriptions. Honestly, I thought it was going to hit like 3000 words the second I saw it. Why? Because there was a clear plot and tons of description. Managing a word limit while not sacrificing actual description/plot is a mastery in of itself. The truth is, and a lot of people can get pointers from this, is that it isn't the plot that really propels the story, it's the way it's written. If you wrote plebeian style like, "and then I hit her until she died," I would have said, "eh... decent plot." You use the senses. Goddamn it if we were given senses to live with, then I want to know what I should sense when I read a story. The key is immersion. By allowing the reader to interact with the story using his own senses, you give him a world to go into. Nice work Xenon. Grammar: Fucking awful. (sarcastic) The OK: The visual representation of the piece... I feel like you could have shortened/separated chunks of each paragraph. In general, if we don't see a nice divide, we begin entering mass text syndrome and fail to read everything- especially when a piece is description heavy. The Bad: Before I continue, allow me to say, this is higher tier of work that I'm reviewing now. Because of that I'm going to judge even harsher than others: While you do use the child reference in both the beginning and end, I was curious as to why. I'm not judging you aesthetic choices, but rather the character doesn't evolve. From the beginning, I assume, he feels like a child, but at the end, he should (d)evolve. Either his eyes have opened due to murder or he becomes more childlike. On the ending: I understood he died with her, but it doesn't explain why she's magically with him at the end. It just kind of left a confusing note to the ending. Some of the word usage feels more like you went to a thesaurus rather than came up with it on the spot. The reason is that some of the words seem to deject from what seems to be the actual feel of the story. Some of the description seemed superfluous. As if you just wanted to fill it with description rather than wanting a scene to be surrounded by it. If anything, this has some scent of a mix of stream of thought without a proper structure or second opinion. It's super harsh, but again, this is some real reviewing. Now just the normal stuff since your work definitely deserves it. 10. Annadelle: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91500 Spoiler:Review #10 The Good: VANILLA ALERT! So sweet. It's always a pleasure to read something that starts as a realistic "just-friends" scenario, calls the main character into action, and then tops it all off with the nice vanilla flavor. Everything about this made sense- even the main character. He's not a loser, an overly angsty kid, or some dysfunctional member of society, he's a play boy. That in of itself makes me attracted to the story premise. Why? Because that means a good looking guy is self-cognizant of his own features and uses them to the best of his abilities. He is a likeable character simply because he is as real as any one of us. He is the example of a proper protagonist in a short story. Not much can change in terms of the character in a short story, but he is likeable in the beginning and doesn’t need to change. Rather than him changing, it's the environment that he reacts to is what the meat of the story is. Grammar: Alright, general tense issues The OK: Your dialogue is a little awkward. If all he wants is money from his girlfriends, then why would he want to work at a seaside cafe? It sounds to me like he just likes the idea of having money, rather than actually needing it. Because of that, his belief of "no cash, no love" just stands off as a little awkward. The Bad: Structure. In a short story, you need a continuous pace of action. Unless it's meant to have time jumps, try to avoid time jumps in general. They only serve to pull the readers away from being immersed into the story. Another thing is, if you're going to have characters, then have a purpose for them. It sounded like the owner of the store would have a more significant part, but she is given a spotlight flag of: "Hey, I'm the aggressive Mom/childhood friend character" instead of "this is a throwaway character. Please disregard." It also sped up too much at the end. I'm going to assume you hit the word limit by the end of it and decided to fuck it all and just throw plot in. I have to say I'm guilty of this too, but I'm reviewing this as a story, not as something with the 1500 word limit. 11. CHICAWAZZA: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91373 Spoiler:Review #11 Grammer: Alright. The OK/Bad: I'm going to be brutally honest. I'm not sure what you were going with here. You created a character that there is no way we can like. Self-deprication is not an honorable quality when that, in of itself, is the only quality he has. He has a million and one phobias, he's ugly, a creeper, and an introvert. The strongest aspect of an unlikeable character is that one quality that validates the rest of the bad ones. In this case, you seem to make him out as a bad guy, through and through. Let me give you an example. In one of these stories, the main character was a playboy only out for money- yet he's insanely likeable. Why? Because when he is called into action, he disregards himself and goes to save another person. Structure wise, I honestly don't know who the main character is talking to. Is it the audience? Or is it his diary? There needs to be context if you're breaking the fourth wall. 12. Eastiling: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=89724 Spoiler:Review #12 As Rise requested, on the topic of theme compatibility. The point of using Fakku! as a reference was to try to integrate it into the writing. Whether it's a porno book, the web site, or a plot device as a whole. What you did was basically throw the name in rather than try to add it in with the story. In another sense, the topics were clearly, Romance, Summer, Vacation. What you created was a creepy apocalyptic short. The key about writing is knowing what your audience/reviewers want. In this case, it was pretty clear the main theme was to write a romance/coming-of-age/vanilla all involving summer and vacationing. It just made common sense. The Good: It's a very colorful piece with a lot of description. I love description. It had a strong undertone of apocalypse in it while creating a general sense of two people living the end of the world together. In terms of time progression, I did like what you did by having an almost journal style way of writing. Grammar: Alright. The OK: Because it felt more journal-like and it was a "moments before the apocalypse" kind of story, I felt that instead of adding just ***, you could have written dates or times. The Bad: Truthfully, the description. It wasn't that the description was bad, it was that it was description for the sake of description. Rather than fueling the plot of the story with description, it creating a detachment to the actual plot by describing something like the land instead of describing the feelings of the main character. The parts that did create an introspective look into the main character didn't mesh well with the overall story structure. 13. the_bloodwalker: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91219 Spoiler:Review #13 The Good: It had very current feeling with a good system of keeping the flow of action going. At no point did I wonder at what point he is in his life. He’s clearly down on his dumps and used an escape to start a new life. A strong flip of character at the end- but it leaves a few questions. The OK: If you’re writing dialogue, it’s proper to split consecutive lines of dialogue into separate passages. This just makes it easier to read. The Bad: I’m a little lost. Why NTR and who is Daigo? He literally comes up out of nowhere as the reason why the main character is suffering. If he is the issue, then he should have been the focus. I can assume it’s Aika’s current boyfriend, but are you implying that the main character fully thought of raping a girl who is already dating another guy? In a way that does increase the flip of character moment where he shines, but as it stands, it’s very confusing. 14. Kasaix: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91287 Spoiler:Review #14 Note: If this is going to be a fan-fiction, please say it. Note 2: I dislike most fan-fiction in general, so I’m going to review this as a normal story with fantasy elements. The Good: In terms of story, you have a clear introduction into the world of the story, a purpose for the main character, and a quasi-past/present kind of thing going on at the end. If I actually wanted to read a fan fiction, I guess I wouldn’t need descriptions for all the pokemon… Grammer: OK The OK: I would really hope that you pretend that the reader has no idea what he’s getting himself into. I usually disregard fan-fictions, but for the sake of the contest, I’m reading all 0 reviewed stories if possible. Though I understood some of the references since my knowledge of pokemon stops at Generation 1, I would like a little more on the romance side. Even though it is a fan fiction, you should focus on the romantic side more. The Bad: It’s a fan fiction. The issue with fan fictions is that they are either too self-aware that it is a fan fiction or it is too unaware. The major benefit you get as a fan fiction writer is that the world is already created. You’re just playing with the puppets. At the same time, every piece of writing needs descriptions. You have almost no descriptions even in the original content areas. Because of that, the world seems very flat and unable to evolve. 15. leonard267: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91238 Spoiler:Review #15? Sorry for the long overdue: I... Cannot review it like the "Good" "OK" and "Bad" simply because it is a personal rant. That said, good show. I would rather much, very please, insert any other sign of want/need, that you do an actual story with a massively self-deprecating person. I would enjoy that a lot actually. Other than that, blah, blah, blah Good Grammar/Spelling. CoffeePrince Spell Check accepts. Honestly, I would rate this if this were a story, but being a rant, I can only say, "I like how you think." AND NOW, BLAZE! Thank you! Blaze wrote...Huh...I've managed to do a fair amount of reviews myself before I started to get lazy. I'll post mine here: A Quiet Summer Bath Spoiler:While I do agree that there is an incredible amount of detail in this scene, there are a couple of problems, one of which you can address. The main problem that you can fix is the fact that, as nice as your story is, it is one big wall 'o text. Break it up into paragraphs. I cannot stress this enough, especially since I fell victim to this when I started out as a writer. The other issue, at least from my perspective, is that the primary conflict has not quite been addressed. Every story has a steady build up of events, culminating in a climax, followed by a resolution. While I can view the climax quite literally in this case, it doesn't seem to have sufficient falling action or resolution. The conflict is still the same. I feel that, if you had less restrictions, you could add more detail to the central conflict. Keep in mind that this last issue is merely my personal opinion and you are completely free to disagree. Spoiler:Hmmm...okay then, now that there's more, I do have a few things to say. It's good to see that you are now adding a lot more to the story to follow my suggestion of adding more detail to your story. However, I feel that the biggest flaw of this story is how fast it is going, though I do understand that the word limit is an issue obviously. It could just be me, but it seems as if the confession is almost completely out of left field. Then again, I do recognize that there is build up there, but even still, it just feels random. My other criticism, though not as severe, is that it seems as if it concludes abruptly, but it's not a terrible thing. Other than that, I definitely have to applaud you on taking constructive criticisms and actually incorporating it into your story. Few authors seem to do this, especially considering how much work is required to do so. Bravo, indeed. Now if only more writers were as dedicated as you are... Hell Spoiler:WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT TEXAS! [/jk] In all seriousness, what started out as a story as dull as the subject matter certainly took an intriguing turn. Something still feels unfulfilled here, but in any case, this story is something that threw me for a loop. A Demon, a Season, a Reason Spoiler: Hmmm...interesting. I am intrigued by the plot and unlike the others I've read at this point, it seems to have all the elements that a proper story requires. I know that feeling of having to make cuts in favor of keeping to the limit. The original draft of my story was 2,231 words, so I had to cut an entire prologue that set up what the main character was supposed to be like. I think the only thing that I am a little puzzled with is the fact that you stated that he was dying because he was using up his power, but at the end, he's still alive with no power. A minor nitpick, I know, but otherwise, an excellent story. Young Love! Spoiler:Actually, I agree that you should add to this. The story, while the central events are solid, they could use some more detail. For example, you say that they went on a date, but why not describe it? The same can be said for other events, but that's the one that stuck out the most. Standing on the Grave Spoiler:Hmmm...actually, after reading this story, I'm still trying to wrap my head around what was going on. As the previous review stated, you seem to be jumping all over the place instead of focusing on one central element. It's a bit jarring reading each of these days when they seem to have almost no connection to each other. Also, the build-up of events in Day 2 just seems...unnatural. I get that you're trying to create a tragedy here, but it is a bit unrealistic, even for a fictional work, to have a father who acts loving at one moment and then homicidal towards his own daughter the next. I'll understand a beating, and I might even understand trying to kill the main character, but by having the father kill his own daughter out of the blue like that just doesn't make sense. To accomplish something like that, it takes a good amount of build-up into such a deed. Secondly, this power your main character has just doesn't seem appropriate in the setting you've placed it. I understand it's fictional, but it's just so out of the blue and also incredibly vague. If the main character understands guns and comes from a military background, why not just use that as his source of strength or main skill? I'm not saying that he can't have some super power, but be reasonable about it. Super powers, when unchecked, just become incredible and frankly, boring. This is why I don't like Superman, for example. I don't know if you have room to add another day in your story, but maybe it's best that you try and fix the central issues plaguing your work. I am in no way insulting your work and I believe the other reviewers here are trying to better your writing, considering that you asked for feedback. Summer of Love and Friendship Spoiler:Honestly, I'd have to disagree a bit here. I felt that the core conflict was resolved. Maybe not by finding a loved one, but by having the main character understanding himself a little better. It did have rising action, a climax, and falling action with a resolution. It could be because I am not aware of the story behind the story, but I find this piece quite well-written compared to the other works I have just read. Keep it up. Don't Forget Me! Spoiler:Wow, that totally turned everything on its head there. To be fair, you almost lost me on the way to the conclusion and you may want to reread some of your passages due to grammatical errors. However, I congratulate you on a great conclusion. Bravo. The Dying Wish of Summer Spoiler:Alright, it took a bit for me to come up with something constructive, but I finally have it down. It's base idea is pretty sound and does feel like a journal entry as someone has stated. Additionally, I would have to disagree and state that there actually is a semblance of rising action, climax, and somewhat of a resolution, but to be fair, they feel a bit weak and not as easy to identify. The ending, while open ended, certainly has that chilling possibility of the main character dying. Now, I might just be nitpicking here, but Anima just seemed to come out of left field a bit. I'm not going to say that you should remove her, but maybe you might want to slowly incorporate her into the journal. Of course, maybe I'm just being blind to said bits of her presence. Again, just a personal nitpick, but I do agree with her presence as it gives the main character someone to interact with, which is always a plus. Some of the other consciousness stories seem to be focused just on a person alone, which tends to make them boring. Anima's presence separates this story from some of the others. Nonetheless, this is one of the better works I've read at this point. In Her Nature Spoiler:Huh...kinda gruesome... In any case, it certainly is interesting, if not random. I...I'm actually at a loss of words on just how to describe it. Give me a moment while my stomach settles back down... Spoiler:Okay, I think I've regained my- *barf* Wait, no I haven't. Anyway, I do have to say that this story totally threw me for a loop. For a moment, I thought this was a fan fiction of Star Ocean 3 and treated it as such up until the very end. The action leading up to all of this is great and what a climax. The ending resolution did a great job to bring all of this together. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to finish emptying out my stomach. A Bad Summer Spoiler:Wow...this is just painful to read, but not in a bad way, mind you. Maybe it's because I can understand a few aspects of this story, but in any case, you did a good job in creating stories with all the base elements necessary. However, this story seems to leave a bit of an empty feeling for some reason. It might be that I personally did not feel that this was resolved, but that is more of a personal opinion than an actual critique. Otherwise, good job. I'll go slit my wrists now while listening to emo. [/jk] Koyuki x Ayaka Spoiler:Hmmm...okay then. I'll definitely agree that I couldn't tell that it was a Yuri relationship until the end, especially since the last character I remember named Koyuki was the main character of Beck. In any case, there's a lot of good rising action here, but for some reason, I don't feel that this story has a climax. If it is there, it feels a bit weaker to be identified as such and as a result, the resolution doesn't appear to be as strong. Granted, these are personal opinions. Additionally, I agree that the two segments almost seem too disconnected and that there is a lot that happens between them. As someone already stated, this feels like a current story you have that has been trimmed down to accommodate the competition, but that's just conjecture. I do commend the subtle Yuri surprise at the end, though it doesn't feel as powerful as it should to me for some reason. In any case, best of luck! The Pulse of the Stars Spoiler:Hmmm...I hate to be a bit on the negative side, but while it contains by far my favorite anime franchise, I didn't like this story as much as I wanted to. Trust me, I REALLY wanted to put this story on my favorites list. Anyway, the very first thing that is bugging me is detail. Considering I am an absolute Gundam fanatic, it's a bit disappointing for you to create five Gundams, but give absolutely no description of them past their names. It's absolute torture for me, since I don't even have a mecha profile to go off of. In this case, you should have either stuck with established mecha or gone through the trouble of describing your original Gundams. On top of that, there's also the fact that THERE IS NO FIGHTING AT ALL. I know that's part of the resolution and all, and I understand that you have a word limit, but this is also killing me that you wrote a Gundam-themed work, yet no fighting is described whatsoever. I get that this is a Romeo and Juliet situation and it's painfully obvious, but this just doesn't feel like the way to go. To be fair, my own story was somewhat structured like this one at a time, but there is a reason that I absolutely cannot stray from that structure. You, on the other hand, CAN afford to stray from this structure. It probably would have been better if the slice of life stuff was dispersed among all the fighting that should be in this story. Additionally, I felt that the exposition at the end which is what was supposed to set up the entire conflict felt extremely weak. This isn't like Romeo and Juliet where Juliet has to stand by her own family. Cecilia has the choice to join her lover and the exposition doesn't feel as if that is a substantial reason for her to stay with an obviously unjust government if not only does she not have any real stake in staying, but actually creates an unnecessary conflict. Oh, and while you did put that diary page that's not supposed to count, honestly, it's superfluous to your story anyway. Mentioning the necklace is enough to imply that they had a good time at the beach. I think the one thing that I have not discussed in this critique is if this story has all the proper elements to it. It does have a lot of rising action here, but due to the nature of the story, it seems that you left the audience at the climax and did not have the falling action. Again, I REALLY WANT TO LIKE THIS STORY A LOT. It shows that I have a personal bias in this review, but at the same time, that is why I am being especially critical of this story compared to all the other ones I've read. In fact, I might decide to write my own little Gundam fic just for shits and giggles. Spoiler:Now that I've calmed down, I will give you a little credit for the little homages to Gundam that you put in. I recognize the title as one of the Zeta Gundam movies and I can tell you like Gundam to have the balls to have your story based off a currently existing anime franchise. However, the solution to your problem is not to add an extension, but to fix what you have. Sure, an extension would be nice for the future, but for the sake of the contest, I suggest you fix this up. The idea is sound and I'm definitely rooting for this story like no other, but as it is now, it's a shadow of the greatness that it could be. This is especially why I'm so critical about this story. I KNOW it can be great. All you have to do is edit it accordingly, though you could be in for a large editing job if you REALLY want to win this contest. This Love Transcends Boundaries Spoiler:Okay then...well...now I'm actually thoroughly confused. I get that there's this turned down romance, but was Momoka also on the plane? You failed to mention this because I was trying to figure out when the protagonist and Momoka even met in the first place. It's disorganized and while I was intrigued with the fact that he's a wizard, I feel that it fails to make this relevant, aside from making the character aware of the magical items. Sure, you've mentioned the summoning of giant tie-wearing hens, but that is exactly your issue: show, don't tell. You need a lot more detail and frankly, you're not even close to the word limit! You've got at least 500 words and that's being generous because I estimate that you have a little over 700 words available. Use them! Asides from that, this story has potential. I just feel that you are not quite tapping into that potential. Once you've cleared all the little things, I feel that this story, and your writing for that matter, will be stronger for it. Something That Matters Spoiler:To be fair, this story actually does fit the requirements, but it's very weak. The reference to FAKKU is a very weak one and if you fudge a few details, it seems as if this is a sort of post-apocalyptic love story and it could be considered an unwanted vacation. Could be. However, I can also understand why Cinia does not feel that this entry fits the theme. Honestly, this story feels very disconnected and disorganized. There is rising action in a sense, but it doesn't really feel like it's rising. It just feels like a sequence of events before the climax of a great boom, then essentially no resolution. I am very critical about this structure when it comes to every story that I read. When one fails to follow the structure, you tend to get stories such as this one, which seem to meander all over the place and again, the themes feel very weak. I suggest adding more detail and making the themes a little stronger. This needs to be organized. That way, at least you have a shot at this competition. Otherwise, this entry will be largely ignored and pushed to the side. Looking at it now, I guess I should put more detail in my reviews. If anyone absolutely NEEDS reviews, I will take a look at it and while I do not have a format per se, I do aim to at least give constructive criticism. On that note, I wouldn't mind more reviews on my story. I recently edited it to fix certain aspects, though I was not able to make one last edit in time, not that it completely matters. A Place Beyond the Blaze Basically, I'm saying this: If you don't have a review yet and would like a review, then please ask here. I'm making this post for those people who don't have anything yet since it is painful to submit something and get 0 reviews. I'm tired and those guys just happened to be on the 1st page. If no one submits anything, then I'll progress slowly down the line, but I would like to prioritize anyone who is really eager to know what someone thinks of their work. Also, selfish self-promotion: https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91506 (Mine)

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CoffeePrince

12 years ago

Cinia Pacifica wrote...

You guys should just go out and review those entries that haven't received any comments at all. I've seen some while reading through from the list of entries I made. Like "The Choice is yours."

Hmm... perhaps I should join the reviewing crew after the winners are announced.

Well the problem here is that I actually have no idea which ones received proper reviews since they have random bits here and there. I figure, if people REALLY want a review, they'll post here since now Blaze and I are both on it.

Cinia Pacifica Ojou-sama Writer

12 years ago

You can always look over this.

>_>

<_<

I hear that it turned out rather badly, though. Though they're the readers who don't know much about writing and just read it because I'm the author.

Blaze

12 years ago

Er...that one will take me a while, especially since that's basically more than 2 stories worth of words. I can tell it's interesting but to be honest, I will be putting it on my back burner.

Chronus14

12 years ago

Perhaps you can critique this,

Ball of Fire

Jericho Antares FAKKU Writer

12 years ago

Maybe this too. I haven't been very active on the critique side of things though, so I'd advise throwing mine at the end of any lists you guys may have.

Dandare

12 years ago

Well. After a 'good ones' I guess it's time for something 'refreshingly poorly made' XD

Undead - Ikebukuro Incident

CoffeePrince

12 years ago

I noticed something... I like how everyone with reviews wants more reviews. :p

I made this thread for people who aren't getting any... and to Cynthia, FIX YO SHIT SON. Nevertheless, right now it's Dandare and then Jericho. Jerry, you don't need reviews, you're good enough as it is.

Xenon FAKKU Writer

12 years ago

CoffeePrince wrote...

Honestly, it's not because we're greedy or anything, we just respect you as a critic because you're doing a good job at it. More critiquing perspectives gives us more benefit to learn from, every serious writer should know this.

Besides, you don't need someone with no reviews to come tell you they have none, that's what the list is for.

By the way, Rise, I think he means you with "Cynthia."

high_time

12 years ago

Will help out in reviewing stuff whenever I had the motivation to do so, though I feel more comfortable without the good ok bad structure and I felt compelled to directly stick onto the stuff I had in mind =)

As for my piece I'm currently satisfied with the reviews I received so far, even if that one's not that good I felt really happy to be able to come up with piece I really wanna write (and all the support too)~

Cinia Pacifica Ojou-sama Writer

12 years ago

Xenon wrote...

By the way, Rise, I think he means you with "Cynthia."

He's not the first one to have called me that... >_>

ejioforp

12 years ago

https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91170 Can you review that. I'm already in the contest, would like some views :)

Chronus14

12 years ago

I Think you should still review Jerry's.
It doesn't justify that the story was good, only because he has written it.
Not that I doubt his capabilities, but I think you should read his work nonetheless.

artcellrox The Grey Knight :y

12 years ago

https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=91502

There's mine. All I really expect is honest, constructive criticism.

Jericho Antares FAKKU Writer

12 years ago

I'd only be fine with mine being reviewed after all other review requests have been fulfilled. Thanks though, Chronus. I do indeed have a long way to go myself.

CoffeePrince

12 years ago

My list is now ejioforp and artcellrox.

Any others? I just finished yours Jerry

Cinia Pacifica Ojou-sama Writer

12 years ago

In case you want to keep yourself busy with reviewing! =P

Here's some more from me:

https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=90583

https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?p=3249642#3249642

https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?t=90209

https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?p=3219870#3219870

https://www.fakku.net/viewtopic.php?p=3214938#3214938

(Links are directly pasted from the list of entries.)

Blaze

12 years ago

Okay then, asides from Rise's story and the five recent stories she recommended, I have reviewed all other works posted here and even one from the main topic. As for the five, I have read some, but just haven't written the reviews. After all, I am on vacation and just haven't gotten as much computer time...

On a random note, would anyone care to check out the new version of my story? A modest request I would think...

A Place Beyond the Blaze

So...actually, I probably should check out Xenon's work, since Coffee recommended it...

CoffeePrince

12 years ago

I'll get to it Blaze, then the 5 stories

Cinia Pacifica Ojou-sama Writer

12 years ago

My story is still not restored. Kind of busy. When I do it, I'll make it better... at least something, I guess.

tenshinhan

12 years ago

I take any kind of review I could get, for my work And the sunset smiled. .

I thank you, Blaze, for the one I got from you; it was highly constructive.

Have a nice day.

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