[Not A Contest Entry] - A Very Merry Neko-Chan Christmas
9
(This is not an entry for the writing contest)
Back in the day, life was rough for me. Had to scrape by to survive. This is the Christmas that maybe changed all that. Or Maybe not.
Twas’ the Night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
Little Timothy was sleeping, his sister Susan too,
Both dreaming of sugar plums, like little kids do.
Suddenly, they both were awakened by the sound of a CRASH,
They ran to the stairs, and they got there quite fast.
There in the living room, where the clatter began,
Was a female cat, named Neko-chan.
Her eyes were blue, her fur was quite black,
She had a flashlight in one hand, and a sack on her back.
She had entered the house, hoping to find something of worth,
Since she had been poor, from the day of her birth.
“What are you doing?” both children asked,
She turned around, startled, and let out a gasp.
“Oh shit!” Neko-chan thought in her head,
“If these kids wake up their parents, I’m practically dead!”
Neko thought for awhile, then made up a lie:
“I’m Santa Claus, kids!” but the kids rolled their eyes.
“Santa” Timothy said, “is not quite that small.
Besides that, I don’t see any of your reindeer at all!”
“They are on the roof.” Neko-chan began
“How about I take you outside, and FEED you to them!?!”
The kids now understood the predicament they were in,
Neko was as crazy as hell, and as deadly as sin.
“This year Santa will NOT be delivering to all the good girls and boys,
As he has decided he rather keep all the Christmas toys.”
“From now on, we’ll give Santa all the new presents instead,
At least that’s what you’ll do if you don’t want to end up dead”
“Bring me only your finest, only the best,”
Then she lit a cigar and sighed, “Fuck all the rest!”
“Susan, go into the kitchen, open some tuna, and get me a beer,
Santa wants something different than milk and cookies this year.”
Since they did not want to end up as reindeer snacks,
They did as they were told while Neko took time to relax.
They worked fast and quiet, and a bit in the Christmasy mood,
While Neko raided the fridge and ate all their food.
“Santa,” they cheerfully said, “We’ve given you every valuable thing in our Home!”
Clearly, they were now suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.
“Great job my helpers! I knew you would get it done!
Now outta my way, Santa’s gotta RUN!”
"But" Susan cried, “Santa wait! Don’t leave!
There was something I wanted to ask you to do for me…”
“Damn it kid, what is!?” Neko said in a huff,
“Make it quick, I gotta go sell all this stuff…”
Susan smiled, and started to say,
All the things she hoped Santa would do on Christmas Day.
“It’s nothing like delivering video games, money, or toys,
But can you spread happiness, love, and Christmas Joy?”
“Can you bring joy to the neighborhood’s boys and girls,
And hope and peace to the rest of the world?
Make mommies and daddies stop always fighting,
And rekindle their love, make it exciting?
Tell people to start acting nice to each other again,
Let everyone start acting like we’re all friends?
I know it’s a lot, and probably impossible,
But maybe not for you Santa – heck, you made reindeer aeronautical!”
Neko-chan was moved, and was starting to cry
Like that time she got arrested on prom night for a DWI.
“What about you, Timmy?” Neko started to say
“What can I give you on Christmas day?”
“Gee, Santa! You want to get something for me!?
All I want is Justin Bieber’s new CD!”
Neko-chan smiled, patted Timmy on the head,
Then slapped him across the face, “FUCK NO” she said.
Then Neko went into the kitchen and got little Susan something to drink,
And told Timmy, “Put my beer in the trash, and my plate in the sink”
She tucked little Susan in, and kissed her goodnight
Then climbed back up the chimney and finally out of sight.
There on the roof, real-life reindeer were fastened to a sled,
Neko grabbed the reins and this is what she said:
“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
And the rest of you dipshits! Ya’ll better listen!”
“We’re going to Jake’s first, to hawk all this junk
Then we’ll ditch the sleigh and leave Santa locked in the trunk!”
A crack of the whip, and the reindeer took off with a grunt,
Then Neko leaned back in her seat and lit up a blunt.
That night, if you looked out your window and up to the sky,
You would have seen a cat that was obviously high.
Then the entire village heard her exclaim,
“Christmas is the shizznit! Hanukkah is lame!”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
Little Timothy was sleeping, his sister Susan too,
Both dreaming of sugar plums, like little kids do.
Suddenly, they both were awakened by the sound of a CRASH,
They ran to the stairs, and they got there quite fast.
There in the living room, where the clatter began,
Was a female cat, named Neko-chan.
Her eyes were blue, her fur was quite black,
She had a flashlight in one hand, and a sack on her back.
She had entered the house, hoping to find something of worth,
Since she had been poor, from the day of her birth.
“What are you doing?” both children asked,
She turned around, startled, and let out a gasp.
“Oh shit!” Neko-chan thought in her head,
“If these kids wake up their parents, I’m practically dead!”
Neko thought for awhile, then made up a lie:
“I’m Santa Claus, kids!” but the kids rolled their eyes.
“Santa” Timothy said, “is not quite that small.
Besides that, I don’t see any of your reindeer at all!”
“They are on the roof.” Neko-chan began
“How about I take you outside, and FEED you to them!?!”
The kids now understood the predicament they were in,
Neko was as crazy as hell, and as deadly as sin.
“This year Santa will NOT be delivering to all the good girls and boys,
As he has decided he rather keep all the Christmas toys.”
“From now on, we’ll give Santa all the new presents instead,
At least that’s what you’ll do if you don’t want to end up dead”
“Bring me only your finest, only the best,”
Then she lit a cigar and sighed, “Fuck all the rest!”
“Susan, go into the kitchen, open some tuna, and get me a beer,
Santa wants something different than milk and cookies this year.”
Since they did not want to end up as reindeer snacks,
They did as they were told while Neko took time to relax.
They worked fast and quiet, and a bit in the Christmasy mood,
While Neko raided the fridge and ate all their food.
“Santa,” they cheerfully said, “We’ve given you every valuable thing in our Home!”
Clearly, they were now suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.
“Great job my helpers! I knew you would get it done!
Now outta my way, Santa’s gotta RUN!”
"But" Susan cried, “Santa wait! Don’t leave!
There was something I wanted to ask you to do for me…”
“Damn it kid, what is!?” Neko said in a huff,
“Make it quick, I gotta go sell all this stuff…”
Susan smiled, and started to say,
All the things she hoped Santa would do on Christmas Day.
“It’s nothing like delivering video games, money, or toys,
But can you spread happiness, love, and Christmas Joy?”
“Can you bring joy to the neighborhood’s boys and girls,
And hope and peace to the rest of the world?
Make mommies and daddies stop always fighting,
And rekindle their love, make it exciting?
Tell people to start acting nice to each other again,
Let everyone start acting like we’re all friends?
I know it’s a lot, and probably impossible,
But maybe not for you Santa – heck, you made reindeer aeronautical!”
Neko-chan was moved, and was starting to cry
Like that time she got arrested on prom night for a DWI.
“What about you, Timmy?” Neko started to say
“What can I give you on Christmas day?”
“Gee, Santa! You want to get something for me!?
All I want is Justin Bieber’s new CD!”
Neko-chan smiled, patted Timmy on the head,
Then slapped him across the face, “FUCK NO” she said.
Then Neko went into the kitchen and got little Susan something to drink,
And told Timmy, “Put my beer in the trash, and my plate in the sink”
She tucked little Susan in, and kissed her goodnight
Then climbed back up the chimney and finally out of sight.
There on the roof, real-life reindeer were fastened to a sled,
Neko grabbed the reins and this is what she said:
“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
And the rest of you dipshits! Ya’ll better listen!”
“We’re going to Jake’s first, to hawk all this junk
Then we’ll ditch the sleigh and leave Santa locked in the trunk!”
A crack of the whip, and the reindeer took off with a grunt,
Then Neko leaned back in her seat and lit up a blunt.
That night, if you looked out your window and up to the sky,
You would have seen a cat that was obviously high.
Then the entire village heard her exclaim,
“Christmas is the shizznit! Hanukkah is lame!”
M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S ! ! !
Share your own Christmas Stories =)
1
*Sniff* That was beautiful.
My favorite part:
Neko-chan smiled, patted Timmy on the head,
Then slapped across the face, “FUCK NO” she said.
My favorite part:
neko-chan wrote...
All I want is Justin Bieber’s new CD!”Neko-chan smiled, patted Timmy on the head,
Then slapped across the face, “FUCK NO” she said.
0
Lughost
the Lugoat
Clamhead wrote...
*Sniff* That was beautiful.My favorite part:
neko-chan wrote...
All I want is Justin Bieber’s new CD!”Neko-chan smiled, patted Timmy on the head,
Then slapped across the face, “FUCK NO” she said.
That was really pretty good with the rhyming. How long did this take?
0
Tegumi wrote...
tl;dr .
Thats why I put pictures in there. Just for you Tegs.
That was really pretty good with the rhyming. How long did this take?
I guess three hours. I did it during a football game. Drawing took 30 minutes. Reindeer are weird to draw. I gave up on the third one and just drew that Tony fella from One Piece. I like to imagine that's what I'd imagine the reindeer looked like to me when I was baked.
0
animefreak_usa
Child of Samael
[align=center]'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except the psycho bitch on the couch.
I looked pleadingly to my girl, her face fury red
While visions of me and the Double-mint twins danced in her head.
With bile in my throat and no help in sight, I put on a smile and my sphincter got tight.
"This is Rudolph," I thought, and turned to argue my case,
but I must've had a "what's your problem, bitch" look, 'cause she punched me in the face.
I picked up her $300 Pradas, the left and right shoe,
and into the street, both shoes I threw.
Out the front door she went, in hot pursuit,
Yeah, this girl would chase a designer label like a fat guy after a Valor jogging suit.
In fear for my life, I locked up the place,
I turned my attention to Rudolph and wished I had mace.
When all of the sudden, there arose such a clatter...
I sprang from my couch to see what was the matter.
I grabbed the chord and opened the blinds... and there was Noelle, quite out of her mind.
My heart stopped, frozen with fear
as she tapped on the glass with a vodka bottle... filled just 'bout to here.
I knew the window couldn't much take it,
and she was screaming "Unlock it, you bastard, or I swear I'll break it!"
I couldn't let her do that, it was a rented place,
so I opened the door... and she punched me in the face!
So summoning my manhood, from bottom to top...
I screamed like a little girl, "I'm calling the cops!"
I just finished dialing and she was standing right there
wearing pearls and those pradas, but otherwise bare.
She spoke not a word, but went straight to a work
reeling me in with that "you're my big daddy" smirk.
I heard her exclaim as she turned out the light...
"You know this is your fault. I love you too much to fight."
Not a creature was stirring, except the psycho bitch on the couch.
I looked pleadingly to my girl, her face fury red
While visions of me and the Double-mint twins danced in her head.
With bile in my throat and no help in sight, I put on a smile and my sphincter got tight.
"This is Rudolph," I thought, and turned to argue my case,
but I must've had a "what's your problem, bitch" look, 'cause she punched me in the face.
I picked up her $300 Pradas, the left and right shoe,
and into the street, both shoes I threw.
Out the front door she went, in hot pursuit,
Yeah, this girl would chase a designer label like a fat guy after a Valor jogging suit.
In fear for my life, I locked up the place,
I turned my attention to Rudolph and wished I had mace.
When all of the sudden, there arose such a clatter...
I sprang from my couch to see what was the matter.
I grabbed the chord and opened the blinds... and there was Noelle, quite out of her mind.
My heart stopped, frozen with fear
as she tapped on the glass with a vodka bottle... filled just 'bout to here.
I knew the window couldn't much take it,
and she was screaming "Unlock it, you bastard, or I swear I'll break it!"
I couldn't let her do that, it was a rented place,
so I opened the door... and she punched me in the face!
So summoning my manhood, from bottom to top...
I screamed like a little girl, "I'm calling the cops!"
I just finished dialing and she was standing right there
wearing pearls and those pradas, but otherwise bare.
She spoke not a word, but went straight to a work
reeling me in with that "you're my big daddy" smirk.
I heard her exclaim as she turned out the light...
"You know this is your fault. I love you too much to fight."
0
Mod Note: As much as I enjoyed the story, I am sorry I had to move this thread to the Writing and Lemons section.
Sorry for the inconvenience caused.
Sorry for the inconvenience caused.
0
Shame that barely anyone else will read it now. :(
We seriously need something to get people visiting this forum. I may raise the suggestion of a writing competition a little more formally.
We seriously need something to get people visiting this forum. I may raise the suggestion of a writing competition a little more formally.
0
doswillrule wrote...
Shame that barely anyone else will read it now. :( We seriously need something to get people visiting this forum. I may raise the suggestion of a writing competition a little more formally.
Now I am really feeling bad about moving the thread. T_T
Like what DosWillRule has mentioned, I did think of coming up with a Christmas Writing Competition, but it appears that time is a little tight, especially since Christmas is just 11 days away. Furthermore, who shall we look for to be on the panel of judges and what prize can we give away?
0
Hrm... I don't know about prizes... Maybe ask Jacob to give them a title?
But Dos is pretty knowledgeable literary-wise, or at least that is the way it seems to me. He could be on the Panel, then I would volunteer as well [but then my poem would be disqualified from the contest (´；ωï¼›`)]. We would just need a third person. Must put a post on the front page though to let people know about the competition of course.
Also, Christmas may only be a little over ten days away, but that shouldn't matter. That gives people 10 days to write something that everyone can read on Christmas day.
Edit:
We could just have a poll and let people vote =)
But Dos is pretty knowledgeable literary-wise, or at least that is the way it seems to me. He could be on the Panel, then I would volunteer as well [but then my poem would be disqualified from the contest (´；ωï¼›`)]. We would just need a third person. Must put a post on the front page though to let people know about the competition of course.
Also, Christmas may only be a little over ten days away, but that shouldn't matter. That gives people 10 days to write something that everyone can read on Christmas day.
Edit:
We could just have a poll and let people vote =)