Shinobi Story

hmmm I APPROVE!!

And now Chapter 2

Yeah I finally got off my ass.


Chapter 2: An old friend


Hissho continues on toward the Land of Waves. "Hmmm. That's odd." he thinks to himself as he notices he's being followed. He continues on the path showing no signs that he's noticed his persuer. Several hours later at sunset he makes camp. As he's setting up his tent his growing annoyance becomes obviouse.

Hissho: "Alright, what the hell do you want?"

Silence.

Hissho: "Ok, have it your way."

Hissho throws a kunai into the trees toward his persuer.

Young woman: "Just as sharp as ever, huh Hissho?"

From out of the trees steps an attractive young woman with a rather cold smile on her face. She wears a short, dark blue kimono, with tight black shorts typical of most kunoichi, a net shirt underneath the kimono, and two daggers strapped to her back in an over/under setup. Her black hair covering her right eye, her longer hair in back held in place by two hair pins behind her head.

Hissho: "Shizuka! What the hell are you following me for?"

Shizuka: "HQ sent me to find you. You just took off without telling anyone. Mind telling me what's so important that you'd just forget all about your missions?"

Hissho: "It's best of you don't ask too many questions."

Shizuka: "Fine then. I won't pry, but seriously Hissho, why did you just take off like that? I thought we were friends. You could've at least told me you were leaving."

Hissho: "Sorry, it's something I have to do."

Shizuka: "Well, anyway the higherups told me to find you, and not to come back without you. So either way you're stuck with me." She said with a smirk.

Hissho: "Fine with me, I could use the company. Anyway, I'm setting up camp for the night."

Shizuka: "Where are you headed anyway?"

Hissho: "The Land of Waves."

Shizuka: "Why the hell would you want to go there?"

Hissho: "I'm need to talk to Kazuma."

Shizuka: "I'm assuming one of your informants?"

Hissho: "Right, I'm hoping he can give me some information on....... nevermind."

Shizuka: "Hissho, I might be able to help if you'd just tell me what's going on."

Hissho: "Trust me Shizuka, the less you know the better. I couldn't let a delicate flower like you get hurt now could I?"

Shizuka: "OH THAT'S IT!!!" *hits Saito on the head* "You know I hate it when you say shit like that!"

Hissho: "You know, I'm starting to like it when you hit me."

With that they both break down laughing.

Hissho: "Well, I'm gonna hit the rack, you need any help setting up your tent?"

Shizuka replies with a cold stare.

Hissho: "Alright, alright, geez, just trying to be a gentleman."

Hissho goes to sleep as Shizuka sets up her tent. "What the hell is he hiding from me? Hissho's never been one to keep secrets from me. It's gotta be connected with his lost memories." Shizuka thought to herself as she finished setting up her tent. "Well, I guess I should be getting to sleep too."

The next day they reach The Land of Waves. (once again I don't know the names of any secific villages so I'm going with another nondescript village :P ) They come to a rather large village, the bustling main street alive with all sorts of venders, merchants, and other villagers selling and buying ramdon items.

Hissho: "Now, where is that sneaky son of a... there he is."

At that moment a young man wearing the typical clothing of a street punk runs into an alley.

Shizuka: "Who? The guy that just ran off?"

Hissho: "Let's just say he isn't always happy to see me. Unfortunately for him that alley leads to a dead end."

Shizuka: "Alright lets go get him."

Hissho: "Actually, Shizuka, I need you to make sure he doesn't try to make a break for it."

Shizuka: *sighs* "Fine I'll play alley guard."

Hissho goes into the alley, while Shizuka stays at the entrance, listening intently.

Hissho: "Kazuma, long time no see. What's up?"

Kazuma: "C'mon man I don't want any trouble." He said nervously.

Hissho: "All I want is a little information."

Kazuma: "Oh I know what you're looking for, and I'm not saying shit. I like my head attached thank you."

Hissho: "What exactly have you heard?" Saito said coldly.

Kazuma: "I've heard you're looking for the four demons. Look man, it's not that you don't pay well, but these are scary guys. Scarier than you even, I'm not gonna do anything that'll piss them off."

Shizuka gasped when she heard Kazuma mention the four demons. Every mercinary knows these are the guys you don't mess with. If you come across them on a mission you abort if you're in their way. "Hissho's in over his head this time." she thought.

Hissho: "So you do have information." *stares coldly at Kazume*

Kazuma: "Do you know what you're getting into? These guys scare the Akatsuki for crying out loud." His voice wavering.

Hissho: "I don't care what kind of bad asses they are. Where can I find them?"

Kazuma: "I won't tell you! Man, you're gonna get yourself killed of you go after them." *almost in a panic*

Hissho: *Grabs Kazuma by his collar* "If you know where to find them you had better speak up, or they'll be the least of your worries" His anger clearly showing.

Kazuma: "Alright, Alright, They're supposed to be out in Konoha somewhere I'm not sure where exactly, but no one ever is."

Hissho: "How long ago did they leave? Do you know?"

Kazuma: "No, but I'm sure if anyone knows anything about them it'd be Orochimaru. I've heard he hires them for assassinations his lackeys can't handle."

Hissho: "Alright, I'll see to it you're fairly compensated. If I were you I'd get out of here within the next few days."

Kazuma: "Deffinitely, I'll contact you if I get anymore information, I'm fucked anyway right?"

Hissho: "Not as long as I'm around, my friend."

With that Hissho leaves the alley, with Kazuma leaving shortly after.

Shizuka: *secretly aching to ask Hissho what was goign on* "So what was that all about?"

Hissho: "I got what I was looking for. We're headed to The Village Hidden in the Leaves."

Shizuka: "really? Great I've been wanting to go back ever since that mission when we were asked to find the Akatsuki hideout with the Anbu Blackops."

So they traveled on toward the Hidden Leaf Village. "Dammit, am I ever gonna find these bastards?" Hissho thought to himself. "What's wrong Hissho, why are you being so secretive? What could possibly be so dangerous that you wouldn't tell me?" Shizuka thought.

Pretty good. Typos here and there^^

Just a question. Are the 'Four Demons' associated with the 'Demon Brothers' that Team 7 fought?

I'm unfamiliar with the "Demon Brothers" so no (unless you're talking about Fujin and Raijin). The reason behind ther name becomes apparent later on in my story.

BTW, I added a little more to Yumi's description.

I may end up adding a few lemon moments to this story. At first I was debating whether or not to add Yumi, but in the end I feel it'll add a little more depth to the story.

Note: If my typos are so bad you can't understand what I'm saying just lemme know. However, I'm pretty sure I'm not fucking up that badly. :) Also, just something I thought I should make clear, I'm writing this more as a script because in my head this is an anime I'm planning out the scenes for. I'm also pretty much doing the planning from chapter to chapter. If I try to do it all at once I get side tracked. I know, kinda wierd, but that's the way my messed up mind works.

I might even get to chapter 3 as soon as Tues. Wed.

....maybe :twisted:

finally got around to reading the rest and once again


i APPROVE

Well....1st things 1st.....

Good Parts
1)The focus of your story was good and it was quite fresh. As long as the story doesn't get too complicated it should develope nicely.

2)The characters were describe very simply and therefore easier to imagine. Though i think that it would be better to be original...

Bad Parts
1)Plot - I did say that the focus of your story was good but i think that the way it developed right now is.....boring to be frank.....You focused too little on the setting and not only did you not describe it properly you didn't even put out a baseline/general image for your story...I'm guessing you are just going to develope it how you see fit and didn't give a thought about how it should go right? Please think out your story 1st before posting anymore it was too sloppily done.

2)Characters - Ugh.... The characters i believe you based them of the anime characters you watched right..... really bad idea.... You just practically copied them off..... The names as well.... it didn't even suit them....i mean come on!!! Saito?! you just copied them off Zero no Tsukaima... You should think about how the name would suit each character. Then you should think about their personalities and details like that before you decide. Don't just decide on the spot like that. By the way, in the prologue with the bandits you should have let "Saito" kill them instead of just knocking them out. You just made him seem like a softie instead of a killer.....

3)Originality - You had almost no original concepts here unless you count the "Four Demons" Those guys are messed up in the 1st place.... WTH man..."Even the Akatsuki fears them" WHAT THE F***!!!!! The Akatsuki fears no one.... They are the strongest organization in Naruto...HOW IN THE NAME OF HELL would they even fear some random nobody... You should have at least put them on par with Akatsuki, perhaps like "They have the same amount of influence/battle power with Akatsuki" wouldn't that sound better? it gives more sense see..... AND!!! try to think up names on your own, you are getting too much reference from Naruto that it almost seem like plagirism....

Overall 5.0/10.0 seriously try better than this.... Nothing in this story strikes me as good....Even Uzumaki 101's and Leed's storyline+developement was better than this

Ok, Here's the deal.

1.Chracters: I'm not really familiar with Japanese names. I've never seen Zero no Tsukaima. I don't really know how I came up with the name Saito it just kinda came to me randomly. As far as copying other characters from the series, I'm not. I'm working on getting a scanner so I can post some pics of these characters. And the bandits, He didn't kill them because he didn't need to. Later on he does in a rather violent manner.

2. Plot: As far as the setting goes, I haven't gotten very far into the series, so I'm trying to describe places I have no reference for. As for the story goes, yeah, it's a little boring now, but, that's because it's still in the beginning.

3. Originality: The four demons, the idea here is these are four highly skilled assassins. And if you go back and read the passage it said "not even the Akatsuki touch them" and when I said they feared them the coment was made by someone who doesn't really know what he's talking about, Kazuma is supposed to be a dumbass. It's more like these guys don't officially exist. Most people wouldn't have heard of them, because they generally prefer to lurk in the shadows. Your suggestion is basically the point I was trying to get across.


I appreciate your critique. This is what I'm looking for to improve apon my writing ability. It's one of those things where, in my head I've got it worked out, but then I type it up I have problems, currently I'm deciding exactly what I'm gonna do for chapter 3. Maybe make a few changes to the other chapters. Once I get a scanner I'll post pics of the characters, and I feel confident in saying they are NOT ripoffs. However, as far as the names go, if you have any suggestions lemme know, I'm pretty shitty at naming my characters except for the demons I draw (I can make up whatever sounds good). As far as these characters go I can only really go off of names I've heard in anime.Either way +rep, thx for the feedback.

ok,so i got bored and came across this writing.
i have some comment for this.
-this is just the beginning,but i like the way the story flows smoothly.
i'm expecting some sudden twist in the storyline though,maybe later in the story.

-you should stop using words like (like sakura's) or (like taki's).you might did this to give the readers a clearer image of the characters,but that's like killing the readers' imagination of the way the charas looks like.

-about setting and the vibe of the story,i think you should read some of haruki murakami's novel,because he did it best.

-and this story is too naruto-ish.i think it's better for you(and this story) to cut the naruto references and go a bit more original.
you mention that your story is unrelated from naruto,but you keep adding naruto-ish reference.

-and like damienthedevil said,your choice of names are dull.
you should ask other fakkuza for better names.

-and about the characters' personality,seeking a middle ground is bad.
that way the character won't have any special traits that stands out.

i hope this comment could be used as a foundation tomake a better story.

current score: 4/10
the score could be changed as the story develops.

Thx, as for the Naruto references. It is occuring in the same world, but is an unrelated story. Uhhhhh, let's see........how can I say this better. I guess it's based on the Naruto storyline, but is about different people. And as far as the names go, if you've got any suggestions lemme know. Once again thx for the feedback. BTW twists will start coming in the next chapter.

Admitedly, I'm not much of a writer. This is my first attempt at any sort of fanfic....ish thing. My talents tend to lean more toward visual arts, as opposed to writing.

okay i reread it and ummm hmm i dont really know what view to give it

heres what i mean as a story its interesting its not original but it has its own flow which is good
i read hydros comments and as far as the references go, there fine i new the story was based in the same world so the references to the naruto characters is fine after all its the same world so describing what the naruto characters wear gives your characters a better visual of what there like

the main charater tho not to outlandish (im trying to say completely different from other characters as personality goes) hes likeable and on some levels relateable to the reader

im stopping here but will continue later

i read that you need some name suggestions,huh.
well,i'll give you some.
the english meaning is only one of many variable meaning to the names.

male
hatsuon("mad sound")good for musical-related chara.
sadaharu("spring of destiny")good for main chara
fuuma("tranquil eyes")
arai("purify")
ryouma("cold-blooded demon")

female
kahoko("blessed child")
nozomi("wish")
shizuna("serene voice")compilimentary to hatsuon
yumemi("enchanting dream")
azusa(a name of a tree originated from japan)

enjoy,bro.

Lol. Damien RuleZ on the Harsh comments^^

Anyways, I guess I can agree with his POV of The Four Demons and the Akatsuki.

Still nice story though. Keep it up^^

Alright, I'll give a little away before it comes up. Basically, it's not a matter of FEAR, more professional courtesy. I intended Kazuma to be misinformed. The Akatsuki don't fear the Four Demons, They stay out of their way, and The Four Demons stays out of the Akatsuki's way. It will all be explained in further detail later. The character "Kazuma" is suposed to be a dumbass, but usually with decent information.


@mnx: Thx for the suggestions, do you know of any Japanese names having something to do with shadows. His Bloosline trait allows him to pass into and out of shadows. (I'm not sure how to spell the word used in the series, so if anyone knows how it's spelled lemme know)

You don't have to. I get it now^^

name related with shadow:
kagezaka(sagacious shadow)
kagemaru(intense shadow)
yakumo(night cloud)

or you could make your own japanese name related with shadow:
kage + XXXX (kage=shadow)
XXXX + kumo (kumo=cloud)
XXXX + yami (yami=darkness)

enjoy.

oh,and as for villain nickname,i got an epic one:
mangai no XXXXX (XXXXX of the 10000 corpse)

What would raging shadow be? BTW +rep, you're the first to actually make any suggestions. Thx.

the only thing i know:
rage is hageshi,and shadow is kage.
i don't know how those two could be combined.
hageshikage sounds funny for a person's name.
but maybe you could use it for nickname.

but should you want to create a japanese name again,you can visit:

www.saiga-jp.com

you can enter the english word you want,and the result will be the kanji,the meaning,and the usage.
a very useful site.

Ah, this will help monumentally. You get one of the biggest thanks I've ever given anyone. If you ever come to Austin I'll definitely have to buy you a LOT of guiness.

Ok, so I'm gonna change "Saito" to Hissho, and "Yumi" to Shizuka. kinda suits them better. I'll gety around to it later. Most other characters are gonna keep their current names though. I'll check some more because I'm pretty sure I could do better with a few other names.

Good job the names definitely sounds better lol..... but i think Yumi was fine....oh well Shizuka sounds better...