[Summer Contest Entry 2016] A Collection of ResumÃ©s

leonard267 · 2016-07-26T02:09:17+00:00

A Collection of Resumés Leonard had the unenviable task of going through mountains of job applications as an employee of the HR department of a small fast food chain. Part of the reason why his job was such a chore was the sheer banality of going through email by email, leaf by leaf of job applications that barely differed. This was made worse by an economic recession which meant that his company was inundated by job applications from people desperate to work on a minimum wage. The company, eager to profit from the labour of poorly paid workers, was only too happy to entertain these job applications. Why though were the job applications submitted so similar? It was because the fast food chain was in a small city. This meant that every applicant came from the same few schools. This meant that they were taught the same few subjects which were of little use in a fast food restaurant. Even their interests, hobbies and their bloody appearance were more or less the same! On one very bad day, Leonard received these: Job Application 1 Name: A. Ginger Ethnicity: Ginger Address: Ginger City Academic Qualifications: Ginger High School Skills: English, Mathematics, Science, Ginger Studies, Cricket Interests and Hobbies: English, Mathematics, Science, Ginger Studies, Cricket, Cricket Watching Gender: Female Attached to Job Application 1 was a picture of a morbidly obese, freckled faced and ginger haired individual. Job Application 2 Name: Al S. O. Ginger Ethnicity: Ginger Address: Ginger City Academic Qualifications: Ginger High School Skills: English, Mathematics, Science, Ginger Studies, Cricket Interests and Hobbies: English, Mathematics, Science, Ginger Studies, Cricket, Cricket Watching Gender: Male Attached to Job Application 2 was also picture of a morbidly obese, freckled faced and ginger haired individual with a slightly flatter chest. Was it the same person who submitted two applications at the same time in an attempt to prove that his company discriminates against women? Leonard, out of curiosity decided to grant the both of them interviews only to realise that they were separate individuals! To make matters worse, they weren't good workers too! Soon after they were hired, they were relieved of their jobs because they were more interested in eating than preparing food! Poor Leonard himself was facing the prospect of being relieved of his job too for taking in lousy workers! Seeing that the information provided by each job applicant wasn't useful in determining if he or she was good for the job, Leonard decided to make each applicant answer this question: Describe a moment when you went beyond the call of duty to help someone. That anyone would indulge in an act of self-sacrifice while employed by a lowly restaurant ever determined to dole out even lower pay to its employees is itself farcical. However, it served its purpose in making each job application more different. Also, since the more earnest job applicants tend to write longer (though not impressive) stories, it proved to be a useful barometer on how desperate the applicant was. This decision marked a change in Leonard’s fortunes in the HR department but posing that question did have its problems. As the company grew despite the economy floundering as hard as ever, the number of job applicants increased and Leonard’s boss expected him to recruit persons of higher calibre. This of course had ramifications on how aspiring fast food restaurant indentured labourers answered that question. The answers became stranger and so bizarre that merely describing them as such fails to do them justice. This story tells of a certain day when Leonard received three responses to that question. Answer 1: Name of Job Applicant: H. De Clan Describe a moment when you went beyond the call of duty to help someone: There was one time early this year when I went out of my way to help someone I hardly knew, never mind that I was called a nosey parker who should learn how to mind his own business. It involved me looking for a D. Hennessey who went missing for a few days. My search for him begun with me overhearing practically everyone on the street speaking about his disappearance. This of course aroused my curiosity and I decided to find out more by rudely interrupting people in the middle of a conversation. Though I decided to eavesdrop instead when I found that this is a rather ineffective way to collect information and a very effective way to be the subject of physical and verbal abuse. There was much speculation on the circumstances behind his disappearance. Allow me, for the sake of clarity to label some of the more common explanations behind his disappearance by using letters: a. On a bleak and frosty night made even all the more gloomy with a light drizzle, D. Hennessey was seen by some onlooker wandering into a den. Unemployed, unschooled and unengaged, he cannot be described to be in the best of circumstances. That could explain why good judgement left him as he entered that den with its poisons that numb both body and mind, with its siren adorned walls that disorientate and discombobulate and its inhabitants, the mythical Sirens, who if could be heard amid that senseless cacophony, seduce and ensnare. The onlooker upon seeing Hennessey walking mindlessly into that accursed place decided that Hennessey is done for anyway and that he ought to leave as soon as possible in fear that he could be drawn in against his will, so mysteriously and dangerously alluring that den was. So long story short, Hennessey was dead in a den. b. Another account describes Hennessey in the arms of a fearsome creature, accompanied with another fearsome creature and another man, leaving a den. The heads of these creatures were crowned with tendrils not unlike those of the Gorgon of legend, their breath and odour repellent and their skins coated with toxic slimes. Yet Hennessey and his male companion were completely besotted by their unhuman partners as if stricken by some spell that made them impervious to their vile appearance. Rumour has it that these fearsome creatures are, in the eyes of their prey, ravishing women who are more than eager to satiate their basest of desires. Indeed, the creatures themselves thrive on the affections showered on them by their victims before sucking them dry, not unlike a female spider devouring her mate after their deadly marriage has been consummated. So long story short, Hennessey left the den quite alive but with another bloke and two creatures in a group one short of five. c. A relative of mine who knows someone who knows another someone who works in a detention centre who told me that they have a man named D. Hennessey who is currently in police custody. He apparently is facing indictment for a certain crime of passion that involved women and clubs. So long story short, not dead Hennessy left the den with two girls and another man, was placed in a spot, left in gaol to rot until he got out. Accounts a and b didn’t make sense to me but acting on what my relative has told me, I decided to go to where Hennessey was detained and through the pulling of strings and under-the-table deals managed to secure his release. Hennessey is rather grateful to me and is now trying to break free of being uneducated, unschooled and unengaged. After reading that long and yet bizarrely engaging story De Clan wrote, he stared at the ceiling for a good while, his brain in metaphorical stasis due to how over the top it was. Then again, as a person who has read and processed countless job applications, he shouldn’t be too surprised when an applicant embellishes his credentials and accounts. In this case, it appeared to be De Clan helping Hennessey who got into trouble with women, unflatteringly described as Sirens and Gorgons, after going to a club, unflatteringly described as a monster's lair of a den. That said, one wonders why De Clan made the mistake of implying that he bribed the authorities to release Hennessey. Leonard soon mustered the energy to go through a second job application only to receive a rude shock after reading it: Answer 2 Name of Job Applicant: D. Hennessey Describe a moment when you went beyond the call of duty to help someone: I met a stranger, inebriated and feeble Decided to help, all gallant and noble The stranger, into my home I led Was bathed, dressed and laid on my bed And so after one night The stranger disappeared from my sight Then the police came And asked for my name AND I WAS ACCUSED OF RAPE! PS: By the way, you might have come across a gentleman named H. De Clan who went out of his way to look for me. He submitted a job application to work in your fine establishment too. Could you please employ the both of us? It was a short, succinct, gimmicky and a rather courageous (or stupid depending on how polite you want to be) attempt to grab the attention of his potential employer. This answer confirmed Leonard's suspicions that Hennessey was in trouble, namely landing in police custody, after being accused of rape by women so spitefully described as Gorgons and Sirens by his rescuer De Clan. This happens all too often after the clubs are filled, the sexes mix and alcohol imbibed. Leonard had the urge to go to his address (that was also stated in his resume) tie and anvil to his job application and fling it into his window for having the temerity to come up with that limerick and those demands for jobs. He let out a bellyache to his co-workers who consoled him by dryly saying that most resumes are filled with nonsense anyway. The one Hennessey submitted was no different. Finally, Leonard came across an application that bore an exotic and oriental name. Despite Leonard dreading that the answer to the question he tabled to aspiring job applicants would be as ludicrous as ever, he thought of his salary and his boss and soldiered on, his hands trembling with trepidation, This was what was written: Answer 3: Name of Job Applicant: Shiki Nogami Describe a moment when you went beyond the call of duty to help someone: I am an unsung hero who has saved the world and so humbly request to have the honour to serve as a kitchen hand in your most noble establishment. Lend me your ears, potential employer, before you dismiss me as a nutcase destined for the madhouse! Come to my abode and you might make out the shattered corpse of a monster with many faces and many limbs. (I have attached a photo for you to see) Come to my abode and I will show you the voluminous papers that a brave diarist of a scientist wrote about that monster and its foul origins! That thing came from the skies to create a progeny of creatures different in appearance and yet similar in nature. But like how every mare needs a stallion, and every bitch needs a dog, who will give that creature the seed it needs to bring forth its progeny? The answer lie in those gonads, between the legs of every male on this land. Yet, who would want to be in a bodily union with these creatures? The monster, using all its evil and cunning, casted fell spells on its prey. In the eyes of its prey, the monster will take the form of an alluring seductress. He will then offer his seed to that monster, often after a tryst following a trip to a bar or a club, only to slowly but surely transfigure into hideous looking monsters. Some have tendrils for hairs not unlike a Gorgon, while others might have screeching voices and fangs that lust for human flesh not unlike a Siren. He would then possess many of the powers of the monster that took away his original appearance and search for yet another victim. Fear not, for my comrades and I have tracked down all of those creatures and learnt that the best way to dispatch them is to douse them with liquid nitrogen then smash them with a hammer. If you don’t believe my story, come to my place. If you do, please give me a job. Leonard of course didn't believe Shiki Nogami's story and neither did he have any intention to head over to his place. That application pulled off every single trick in the book from coming up with absurd stories to arouse interest to using words and expressions no one in his right mind would use in everyday writing and conversation. He obfuscated the fact that his story is silly and that the descriptions of women as Greek demonesses is shockingly hateful! "Was Nogami in reality a psychopath who murders women using liquid gases and blunt objects?", Leonard thought to himself. As Leonard reached out for his lighter to burn Shiki Nogami's job application, a photograph fell out. It was a photograph purportedly of the monster Nogami had slain which... SHOWED THE MONSTER NOGAMI HAD SLAIN! Just as he sought to reassure himself that the photograph was a hoax, the door of his office suddenly crashed with a deafening bang as two monsters, one resembling a Gorgon and the other a Siren, and two disfigured men, one with tentacles sprouting from his head and the other with fangs sprouting from his mouth, barged in. The man with the tentacles croaked, "My name is De Clan." The man with the fangs growled, "My name is Hennessey." "So what was written in all 3 job applications are both truths and lies!", Leonard thought to himself as his mind descended into a state of delirium at this shocking turn of events. Yet, how did Hennessey really leave prison? How did De Clan turn into a monster himself? How reliable were both of their accounts? (Nogami's claim that he exterminated all of those monsters certainly isn't reliable!) Were the both of them so desperate for a job that they barged into Leonard's office? Were the job applications a setup to turn Leonard into one of their kind and why him of all people? It is all a mystery! As for Leonard's fate, whether he jumps out of the window in an attempt to escape, whether he bent over and let them turn him into a grotesque female figure or whether Shiki Nogami and his comrades save the day with their canisters of liquid nitrogen and their hammer collection, this story doesn't tell. What is more important however is the moral of the story: Written resumes lie, are full of nonsense or tell half-truths that are way worse than outright lies! Even HR departments know this! Best find somebody who knows somebody if you are really serious about landing in any job!

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leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

8 years ago

d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...

Feedback time.

First, when picking a winner, we wanted an entry that made good use of the themes and for that reason, I just couldn't recommend your entry over the others. There are bits of the themes mixed in here, but none of them feel like they play a major role except for mystery which is undercut by the ridiculousness. This isn't necessarily a bad thing for the story, but it is in terms of the contest.

It is a really a matter of taste isn't it at the end of the day? Wonder if you agree that all of the themes are adhered to.

I would argue that the supernatural is quite prominent in this entry unless you don't consider humanoids with slimy skins and tendrils for hair as supernatural beings. I think the way the monsters reproduce is very unpleasant and unsettling. It can be considered horror. The supernatural and horror themes play a major role in this story surely! Without those, how can I come up with the twist that those women are really monsters that seduce men?

Glad you thought it is mystery even though I think this entry does the job of coming up with a mystery plot poorly compared to the other two themes. There is intentionally no resolution because I insist on doing a bizarre twist and more importantly because it is difficult to wrap up.

I can only conclude that the reason why you didn't rate this piece highly is only because it is an attempt at comedy. That said, I insist in incorporating humour whatever the themes are. There are too few comedic pieces. Most of the comedy in the forum are unintentionally or otherwise in the Incoherent Babbling section.

Out of curiosity, why wasn't there an honourable mention? Was it because the number of entries were too few?

The main problem I have with this entry is unfortunately, I just didn't find it that funny.

Care to go into detail?

You set it up as a series of outrageous resumes, but they weren't that crazy to me.

You find a story about someone reading a second hand account of men complaining about loose and vindictive women behaving badly after a trip to a club, who proceeds to read another account accusing the women to be monstrous demons, only to find out that the truth is a bit of both not crazy or outrageous enough?! I shudder to think what you consider crazy! Perhaps it is something high_time would write.

As for you not finding it funny, well, it is alright. It is all about taste. My attempts at humouring you are about as successful as your attempts at humouring me.

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

8 years ago

Xenon wrote...

leonard267 wrote...

I am sure you have come across an essay question that doesn't end with a question mark. This is no different.

Yes, it is no different in that there are essays that make requests of the participants, but a question, or a query, requires a question mark because it is posing something for the participant to answer. "Where do you live? What city were you born in? How old are you?" A request for information is usually asking for elaboration, it can be worded as a question, but if it is not worded as a question, but worded as a request or an order, then it is not a question, it is a request, or an order. "Explain to me where you live. Describe to me what city you were born in. Tell me how old you are." If you want to phrase the sentence as a question, I would suggest instead of saying "Describe a moment when you went beyond the call of duty to help someone," say "Could/Would/May you describe a moment when you went beyond the call of duty to help someone?" Though avoid using "Could/Can" since those usually end up with snarky responses like "Yes."

You don't say interview request or interview order do you? If an interviewer asks, "Tell me why you left your previous job.", I am sure we will still consider it an interview question, not an interview request.

Xenon FAKKU Writer

8 years ago

leonard267 wrote...

I would call it a request or instruction made during an interview, regardless of your belief that people would normally call it an interview "question."

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

8 years ago

Xenon wrote...

leonard267 wrote...

I would call it a request or instruction made during an interview, regardless of your belief that people would normally call it an interview "question."

Let me do a bit of Socratic questioning here. So you are saying, "Why did you leave your previous job?", to be an interview question but "Tell me why you left your previous job.", not to be an interview question?

Xenon FAKKU Writer

8 years ago

leonard267 wrote...

I consider the first to be a question made during an interview and the second to be an instruction made during an interview, if both are requested by an interviewer during an interview. One is a question and requires the inclusion of a question mark at the end while the other is a command and requires no question mark.

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

8 years ago

Xenon wrote...

leonard267 wrote...

It seems that we are in a deadlock Xenon. Only one way to resolve this. Subject this to a democratic vote!

https://www.fakku.net/forums/incoherent-babbling/tell-me-why-you-left-your-previous-job-question-or-not#4634405

d(^_^)(^_^)d

8 years ago

Like you said, it's probably a matter of tastes that I didn't get too much mileage out of this in terms of laughs.

I would argue that the supernatural is quite prominent in this entry unless you don't consider humanoids with slimy skins and tendrils for hair as supernatural beings. I think the way the monsters reproduce is very unpleasant and unsettling. It can be considered horror. The supernatural and horror themes play a major role in this story surely! Without those, how can I come up with the twist that those women are really monsters that seduce men?

Glad you thought it is mystery even though I think this entry does the job of coming up with a mystery plot poorly compared to the other two themes. There is intentionally no resolution because I insist on doing a bizarre twist and more importantly because it is difficult to wrap up.

I can only conclude that the reason why you didn't rate this piece highly is only because it is an attempt at comedy. That said, I insist in incorporating humour whatever the themes are. There are too few comedic pieces. Most of the comedy in the forum are unintentionally or otherwise in the Incoherent Babbling section.

There are definitely elements of supernatural and horror in there. I just don't think they play that integral of a role to the entry. As for me not rating it highly because of it being an attempt at comedy, I will say that I've seen Zombieland and am 3 episodes into Ash vs Evil Dead, both of which are comedy horrors, and I think they're freaking awesome. This entry just didn't strike me as all that funny like I've already said.

Care to go into detail?

Can't really say too much here. Jokes either make me laugh or they don't. I know what makes me laugh, but I don't think I could tell you why.

I think the problem I have is I can tell from the first few paragraphs and knowing your writing style that you're going to throw some crazy interviews at me so I built up this expectation in my head, and what I got wasn't that.

Perhaps it is something high_time would write.

You're giving me flashbacks and not the good kind.

My attempts at humouring you are about as successful as your attempts at humouring me.

Maybe someday we'll come up with something the other really likes. Maybe.

Out of curiosity, why wasn't there an honourable mention? Was it because the number of entries were too few?

I think that's already been answered in the winners topic? Can't remember. Basically, yeah, too few entries.

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

8 years ago

d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...

No, no. You said something around the lines that this entry didn't adhere to the themes that well. It is of course a comedy but where horror and the supernatural play a very important role in the story. So I am of the belief that it fits the themes. As for whether comedy is enjoyable, well that is another matter.

PS: Read the parody of the other entry yet?

d(^_^)(^_^)d

8 years ago

No, no. You said something around the lines that this entry didn't adhere to the themes that well.

Yes. Isn't that what I basically said again in what you just quoted?

PS: Read the parody of the other entry yet?

Not yet, sorry. I'll get to it in the very near future.

leonard267 FAKKU Non-Writer

8 years ago

d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...

No, no. You said something around the lines that this entry didn't adhere to the themes that well.

Yes. Isn't that what I basically said again in what you just quoted?

That was what I disagreed with. I didn't mean that you hate comedy.

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