[Winter Contest Entry 2013] Blood and Absinthe
6
El Chacal
FAKKU Writer
Blood and Absinthe
She was laughing hysterically as she plunged the ice pick into his lungs.
You could tell she was the kind of maniac that got off from stabbing people with sharp things. A real bona fide certified wack job. And sure enough, after she was finished poking holes into the poor bastard, she ripped her thong off, grabbed the ice pick by the sharp end and thrust the whole damn thing right into her gash. Into her goddamn gash. I shit you not. That crazy bitch went deep sea diving with a goddamn ice pick.
And it was kind of hot.
Horrifying. But hot. In a weird way. She was really going at it too. Sucking on her tits and everything. The whole scene was straight out from a cheap snuff flick. And it gave me a boner. It probably wouldn’t have if she were a fat chick. Or an ugly chick. Or an ugly fat chick. But she wasn’t. Her body was a fucking masterpiece. The stuff my wet dreams are made of. Plus, she had one of those 60’s pageboy haircuts. You know, the one Uma Thurman has in that movie where the big black guy gets fucked in the ass. That shit gets me hard any day of the week. The haircut, not the black guy getting fucked in the ass.
It was high time I got the fuck out of Dodge, though. The assignment was going horribly wrong and I didn’t feel like getting stabbed to death that night, even if she was the hottest piece of ass I had ever seen.
Wait.
Let's back up for a sec. I should probably tell you how I got involved in this mess in the first place. See, I do this for a living. Not the getting knocked out and waking up handcuffed to a chair part. That was supposed to be a very clever ruse. Yeah, a very FUCKING clever one. Also, the broad I was telling you about? She isn’t your average blood crazed nympho either. She’s a vampire. Straight up. A real fucking affiliate of the living dead. That’s what I do. I hunt them down. I’m a goddamn vampire hunter. It isn’t as cool as it sounds.
For starters, I don’t have any fucking vampire hunter super powers or anything. I’m not a Kung Fu specialist and I sure as shit don’t own a samurai sword. Fact is, I don’t need to. Vampires aren’t that hard to kill. I never got why those big shot Hollywood film producers, or whoever the fuck comes up with this crap, decided that all vampires MUST have super speed and super strength and super hearing and super flight and super regenerative powers and whatever the fuck else. That shit kills me. Why the fuck would walking corpses have ANY special powers?
They are however, real bloodthirsty cunts. The lot of them. Especially the young ones. Fierce and reckless, just like wild animals. And for some reason they also develop some seriously fucked up sociopathic habits after they’ve turned. Like this broad for instance. A real prize man-eater this one. Calls herself Asphyxia. Like I told you, she enjoys stabbing people in the lungs with ice picks. Especially men. That’s how she came up with her name. She drowns them in their own blood. All vampires have a similar MD. And if it’s not men, it’s women, if it’s not women it’s children, if it’s not children it’s pregnant women, but there’s always some stabbing and biting involved. They’re like serial killers who drink blood. A lot of blood.
Anyway, I don’t do this alone. I work for the Hessians. They’re a mercenary company that deals with vampires. Not exclusively vampires, but mostly vampires. The irony is that they’re currently employed BY vampires. A FAMILY of the bloodsuckers no less. They call themselves the Ravencrofts. They’re one of the Five Vampire Families of Western Europe. It’s supposed to be a big fucking deal. Except no one gives a hot damn. Unless you're a vampire. Then you should take that family shit super fucking seriously.
Asphyxia is a high profile member of one of the rival families. The Blanchards. French nightcrawlers. The most fucked up kind of nightcrawlers. Not that I’m xenophobic or anything. It’s just a fact. Something about the cheese I guess.
Anyhow, the Ravencrofts wanted her dead; so here I am, with my dick in my hand (metaphorically speaking) and about to get my lungs stabbed to oblivion. What’s more, I don’t have any backup. Thought I’d impress the Brass by going solo. Dumbest decision I ever made. Well, one of the dumbest anyway. If I was to survive this night I’d have to get off my binds and kill that bitch with a hardcover Bible or something. The only thing I had working for me was the fact that we were in this fancy-ass hotel room riddled with plenty of stuff I could use to kill the bitch. And since she was too damn distracted pleasuring herself to notice my ass, I did have some maneuvering space. Getting the binds off was a hassle, though.
You’d think a guy with my job description would know how to get loose from some fucking metal handcuffs like a goddamn magician, but you’d be wrong. And for all the ruckus I was making in that chair, it was a fucking miracle Asphyxia didn’t notice what I was doing before she did. But she did notice.
“You’re a naughty one aren’t you? Trying to escape before I was done.” She spoke in this really sexy French accent that did nothing to relieve me of my boner.
“Me? Escape? You got it all wrong sugar tits, I was just trying to free me hands so I could jerk off properly.” She took that as an invitation to get rid of the ice pick and sit her bloody ass on my lap. She felt as cold as the grave, but seeing those bare tits up close got my juices flowing. Hadn’t seen a pair like that since 03.
“You know, under the right light you look kind of cute.” She teased as she brushed the hair off my forehead and leaned closer. “Would you like to have some fun before you die?”
Good God was this chick corny. Jesus H. Christ. I kind of hesitated for a second before answering her corny-ass question, but then I thought fuck it, if I’m gonna die, might as well die with a raging hard-on.
She didn’t wait for my answer, though. The moment I opened my mouth she stuck her tongue inside like a fucking viper. She tasted like blood and absinthe, which for some reason I thought was hot as fuck. Even when she grabbed my dick like a goddamn Amazon, I was still completely into it. She really knew how to move her tongue to get a guy off. Seriously.
Before I knew it, my boxers were down and she was riding me like a madwoman. The way she moaned, you’d think I was hung like Ron fucking Jeremy or something. She also made a big deal of spouting the most obscene shit I had ever heard in my life. It came to a point where she got so excited she practically started jumping up and down on my crotch like a sixteen-year-old cheerleader on heat.
That’s when I managed to get my hands free and slug her in the throat. Right in the gullet. I punched that cunt so hard she coughed up blood.
Next thing I know, I’m on top of the vampire bitch smashing her face in with the lid of a toilet seat. I don’t even remember picking the damn thing up, but I really went to town with it. You could hear bones cracking and everything. By the time I was done with it she no longer had a face. That didn't stop me, though. Since the lid was now in pieces on account of all the bashing, I picked up the ice pick that had been inside her snatch and stuck it deep into the blood soaked pulp that was her skull. Just for good measure. Holy shit did I feel alive then.
I couldn’t find my clothes anywhere, so I got out of the room wearing nothing but my boxer briefs. I didn’t give a damn how stupid I looked. I felt invincible. Like a goddamn rock star, walking the halls practically naked, covered in vampire gore.
The moment I got out of the hotel I regretted my decision. It was cold as a motherfucker.
I ran back and tried to find the hotel bar. The whole place looked deserted. There wasn’t a single desk clerk to be seen. Seemed like Asphyxia had gotten her way with the entire staff. And all of the guests for that matter. I did find the bar, though. Real sleazy looking place, as deserted as the rest of the damn hotel. Only the barkeep was still working. He didn’t even bother to look up when I sat down.
“What will it be, sir?” His enthusiasm was fucking intoxicating.
“Give me some goddamn whiskey.”
You could tell she was the kind of maniac that got off from stabbing people with sharp things. A real bona fide certified wack job. And sure enough, after she was finished poking holes into the poor bastard, she ripped her thong off, grabbed the ice pick by the sharp end and thrust the whole damn thing right into her gash. Into her goddamn gash. I shit you not. That crazy bitch went deep sea diving with a goddamn ice pick.
And it was kind of hot.
Horrifying. But hot. In a weird way. She was really going at it too. Sucking on her tits and everything. The whole scene was straight out from a cheap snuff flick. And it gave me a boner. It probably wouldn’t have if she were a fat chick. Or an ugly chick. Or an ugly fat chick. But she wasn’t. Her body was a fucking masterpiece. The stuff my wet dreams are made of. Plus, she had one of those 60’s pageboy haircuts. You know, the one Uma Thurman has in that movie where the big black guy gets fucked in the ass. That shit gets me hard any day of the week. The haircut, not the black guy getting fucked in the ass.
It was high time I got the fuck out of Dodge, though. The assignment was going horribly wrong and I didn’t feel like getting stabbed to death that night, even if she was the hottest piece of ass I had ever seen.
Wait.
Let's back up for a sec. I should probably tell you how I got involved in this mess in the first place. See, I do this for a living. Not the getting knocked out and waking up handcuffed to a chair part. That was supposed to be a very clever ruse. Yeah, a very FUCKING clever one. Also, the broad I was telling you about? She isn’t your average blood crazed nympho either. She’s a vampire. Straight up. A real fucking affiliate of the living dead. That’s what I do. I hunt them down. I’m a goddamn vampire hunter. It isn’t as cool as it sounds.
For starters, I don’t have any fucking vampire hunter super powers or anything. I’m not a Kung Fu specialist and I sure as shit don’t own a samurai sword. Fact is, I don’t need to. Vampires aren’t that hard to kill. I never got why those big shot Hollywood film producers, or whoever the fuck comes up with this crap, decided that all vampires MUST have super speed and super strength and super hearing and super flight and super regenerative powers and whatever the fuck else. That shit kills me. Why the fuck would walking corpses have ANY special powers?
They are however, real bloodthirsty cunts. The lot of them. Especially the young ones. Fierce and reckless, just like wild animals. And for some reason they also develop some seriously fucked up sociopathic habits after they’ve turned. Like this broad for instance. A real prize man-eater this one. Calls herself Asphyxia. Like I told you, she enjoys stabbing people in the lungs with ice picks. Especially men. That’s how she came up with her name. She drowns them in their own blood. All vampires have a similar MD. And if it’s not men, it’s women, if it’s not women it’s children, if it’s not children it’s pregnant women, but there’s always some stabbing and biting involved. They’re like serial killers who drink blood. A lot of blood.
Anyway, I don’t do this alone. I work for the Hessians. They’re a mercenary company that deals with vampires. Not exclusively vampires, but mostly vampires. The irony is that they’re currently employed BY vampires. A FAMILY of the bloodsuckers no less. They call themselves the Ravencrofts. They’re one of the Five Vampire Families of Western Europe. It’s supposed to be a big fucking deal. Except no one gives a hot damn. Unless you're a vampire. Then you should take that family shit super fucking seriously.
Asphyxia is a high profile member of one of the rival families. The Blanchards. French nightcrawlers. The most fucked up kind of nightcrawlers. Not that I’m xenophobic or anything. It’s just a fact. Something about the cheese I guess.
Anyhow, the Ravencrofts wanted her dead; so here I am, with my dick in my hand (metaphorically speaking) and about to get my lungs stabbed to oblivion. What’s more, I don’t have any backup. Thought I’d impress the Brass by going solo. Dumbest decision I ever made. Well, one of the dumbest anyway. If I was to survive this night I’d have to get off my binds and kill that bitch with a hardcover Bible or something. The only thing I had working for me was the fact that we were in this fancy-ass hotel room riddled with plenty of stuff I could use to kill the bitch. And since she was too damn distracted pleasuring herself to notice my ass, I did have some maneuvering space. Getting the binds off was a hassle, though.
You’d think a guy with my job description would know how to get loose from some fucking metal handcuffs like a goddamn magician, but you’d be wrong. And for all the ruckus I was making in that chair, it was a fucking miracle Asphyxia didn’t notice what I was doing before she did. But she did notice.
“You’re a naughty one aren’t you? Trying to escape before I was done.” She spoke in this really sexy French accent that did nothing to relieve me of my boner.
“Me? Escape? You got it all wrong sugar tits, I was just trying to free me hands so I could jerk off properly.” She took that as an invitation to get rid of the ice pick and sit her bloody ass on my lap. She felt as cold as the grave, but seeing those bare tits up close got my juices flowing. Hadn’t seen a pair like that since 03.
“You know, under the right light you look kind of cute.” She teased as she brushed the hair off my forehead and leaned closer. “Would you like to have some fun before you die?”
Good God was this chick corny. Jesus H. Christ. I kind of hesitated for a second before answering her corny-ass question, but then I thought fuck it, if I’m gonna die, might as well die with a raging hard-on.
She didn’t wait for my answer, though. The moment I opened my mouth she stuck her tongue inside like a fucking viper. She tasted like blood and absinthe, which for some reason I thought was hot as fuck. Even when she grabbed my dick like a goddamn Amazon, I was still completely into it. She really knew how to move her tongue to get a guy off. Seriously.
Before I knew it, my boxers were down and she was riding me like a madwoman. The way she moaned, you’d think I was hung like Ron fucking Jeremy or something. She also made a big deal of spouting the most obscene shit I had ever heard in my life. It came to a point where she got so excited she practically started jumping up and down on my crotch like a sixteen-year-old cheerleader on heat.
That’s when I managed to get my hands free and slug her in the throat. Right in the gullet. I punched that cunt so hard she coughed up blood.
Next thing I know, I’m on top of the vampire bitch smashing her face in with the lid of a toilet seat. I don’t even remember picking the damn thing up, but I really went to town with it. You could hear bones cracking and everything. By the time I was done with it she no longer had a face. That didn't stop me, though. Since the lid was now in pieces on account of all the bashing, I picked up the ice pick that had been inside her snatch and stuck it deep into the blood soaked pulp that was her skull. Just for good measure. Holy shit did I feel alive then.
I couldn’t find my clothes anywhere, so I got out of the room wearing nothing but my boxer briefs. I didn’t give a damn how stupid I looked. I felt invincible. Like a goddamn rock star, walking the halls practically naked, covered in vampire gore.
The moment I got out of the hotel I regretted my decision. It was cold as a motherfucker.
I ran back and tried to find the hotel bar. The whole place looked deserted. There wasn’t a single desk clerk to be seen. Seemed like Asphyxia had gotten her way with the entire staff. And all of the guests for that matter. I did find the bar, though. Real sleazy looking place, as deserted as the rest of the damn hotel. Only the barkeep was still working. He didn’t even bother to look up when I sat down.
“What will it be, sir?” His enthusiasm was fucking intoxicating.
“Give me some goddamn whiskey.”
0
The were some minor grammar mistakes, but God-fucking-damn was it good. The guro vampire shit was starting to turn me on as well. I love how the writing reflects the tone of the protagonist, but that's something I've seen you nail down in other stories. Anyways, this is very well-written and enjoyable for adults (I wouldn't want my kids reading about a vampire sticking an icepick up her cooch).
1
Grammar: Good
Story Flow: Solid flow- kept a certain pace a la detective novels with the whole stream of consciousness to it. There was a point where it all "cooled" over and became a bit of a drag (will discuss further).
Topical/Theme: Yes. Since the topic was "Cold" it certainly fit in with the whole dead thing.
Genre: Old Detective (Film Noire)
Main Perspective: All in a day's work for a horny vampire hunter detective? (will discuss later)
Personals: I want to congratulate you on doing something that you rarely see writing now a days- a film noire style of writing that heavily involves the reader to become the main character and adopt his style of speech. It's a kind of fusion between the 3rd person and 1st person that I do enjoy a lot. You certainly knew what you were doing and you have a great kind of rhythmic touch to it. I certainly read a lot faster than I would normally read. I hope to see more from you. That said there were a few points I wanted to touch on...
1st- the section where he talks about the histories of the families. For some reason, in the context of the story as a whole, it was kind of unnecessary. What does knowing about the families give the reader? What does it do for the main character? All that it showed was basically humans don't care... and we're human... and the main character is human... so we shouldn't care? I was more into the whole "in the moment" parts rather than the history. This is where I found that I lost a bit of interest.
2nd- As Film Noire stories go, usually these kinds of flashback talks to someone involve a lesson at the end- something learned for the reader to reflect upon on future chapters. As there are no future chapters, I can't say there SHOULD have been a lesson, but I would have rather preferred there to be a kind of message that was sent out.
3rd- "Modern Art Masterpiece" - Now I don't know in what context you were thinking about it, but modern art is rarely considered "beautiful" in the traditional sense but more interesting and beautiful to the mind. I have an inkling the line was pulled from a movie called Full Metal Jacket where the Sgt. insults a Pvt. "You look like a modern art masterpiece!"
What I wanted to say is that because those detective novels came from a certain era, I (as a reader), expect the time period to reflect upon that. Something just doesn't seem right when modern references are thrown into this type of narration unless the time period is specified immediately. I found this to be a bit jarring.
Note: The two people who said there were grammatical errors, I couldn't really spot them. If starting with "And" seems bad, please advise that while it is true that "And" should not be used, it's not a hardcoded rule that must be followed. It depends on the writer and if the writer chooses to do so, he/she should do so sparingly.
Story Flow: Solid flow- kept a certain pace a la detective novels with the whole stream of consciousness to it. There was a point where it all "cooled" over and became a bit of a drag (will discuss further).
Topical/Theme: Yes. Since the topic was "Cold" it certainly fit in with the whole dead thing.
Genre: Old Detective (Film Noire)
Main Perspective: All in a day's work for a horny vampire hunter detective? (will discuss later)
Personals: I want to congratulate you on doing something that you rarely see writing now a days- a film noire style of writing that heavily involves the reader to become the main character and adopt his style of speech. It's a kind of fusion between the 3rd person and 1st person that I do enjoy a lot. You certainly knew what you were doing and you have a great kind of rhythmic touch to it. I certainly read a lot faster than I would normally read. I hope to see more from you. That said there were a few points I wanted to touch on...
1st- the section where he talks about the histories of the families. For some reason, in the context of the story as a whole, it was kind of unnecessary. What does knowing about the families give the reader? What does it do for the main character? All that it showed was basically humans don't care... and we're human... and the main character is human... so we shouldn't care? I was more into the whole "in the moment" parts rather than the history. This is where I found that I lost a bit of interest.
2nd- As Film Noire stories go, usually these kinds of flashback talks to someone involve a lesson at the end- something learned for the reader to reflect upon on future chapters. As there are no future chapters, I can't say there SHOULD have been a lesson, but I would have rather preferred there to be a kind of message that was sent out.
3rd- "Modern Art Masterpiece" - Now I don't know in what context you were thinking about it, but modern art is rarely considered "beautiful" in the traditional sense but more interesting and beautiful to the mind. I have an inkling the line was pulled from a movie called Full Metal Jacket where the Sgt. insults a Pvt. "You look like a modern art masterpiece!"
What I wanted to say is that because those detective novels came from a certain era, I (as a reader), expect the time period to reflect upon that. Something just doesn't seem right when modern references are thrown into this type of narration unless the time period is specified immediately. I found this to be a bit jarring.
Note: The two people who said there were grammatical errors, I couldn't really spot them. If starting with "And" seems bad, please advise that while it is true that "And" should not be used, it's not a hardcoded rule that must be followed. It depends on the writer and if the writer chooses to do so, he/she should do so sparingly.
0
El Chacal
FAKKU Writer
CoffeePrince wrote...
Story Flow: Solid flow- kept a certain pace a la detective novels with the whole stream of consciousness to it. There was a point where it all "cooled" over and became a bit of a drag (will discuss further).
You nailed it! It was exactly that noire pace that I had in mind as I was writing this story.
CoffeePrince wrote...
1st- the section where he talks about the histories of the families. For some reason, in the context of the story as a whole, it was kind of unnecessary. What does knowing about the families give the reader? What does it do for the main character? All that it showed was basically humans don't care... and we're human... and the main character is human... so we shouldn't care? I was more into the whole "in the moment" parts rather than the history. This is where I found that I lost a bit of interest.I'm thinking about writing more stories in this universe, so I wanted to establish a couple of things before this particular story was done. Since I was writing this in a "stream of consciousness" kind of way, I wanted the reader to feel that the protagonist was thinking of these things as they came up in his head. It was his clumsy way at explaining what was going on.
CoffeePrince wrote...
3rd- "Modern Art Masterpiece" - Now I don't know in what context you were thinking about it, but modern art is rarely considered "beautiful" in the traditional sense but more interesting and beautiful to the mind. I have an inkling the line was pulled from a movie called Full Metal Jacket where the Sgt. insults a Pvt. "You look like a modern art masterpiece!"I took a bit of a gamble with that one. I know most people associate modern art with abstract art and all sorts of "weird" looking art, but by definition, modern art just about covers every art piece that's made nowadays, including the beautiful ones. I'm thinking about changing that reference in the story though.
As for starting sentences with and and but, the protagonist is someone who doesn't really give a damn about writing guidelines, so he starts sentences with whatever he pleases.
0
I’m a goddamn vampire hunter. It isn’t as cool as I sounds.
If he thinks it's actually not that cool, why would he call himself a [u]goddamn[u] vampire hunter just before that?
you're not supposed to start sentences with and or but
I have no problem with it, but you did that and the broken up sentence thing a lot in the beginning, a little too much if you ask me.
I picked up the ice pick that had been inside her snatch
If the icepick was inside her the whole time, how did he manage to have sex with her?
Wow. Just, wow. This whole thing is dripping with the narrator's personality. I feel like I know so much about him by the end even though I don't know his name and don't have the slightest idea what he looks like.
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
I applaud Chacal's contribution for this contest. I hope he would allow me to remark on his entry.
Chacal might know about my preferences in reading, namely non-fiction, essays (indeed my entry is structured like an essay) and newspaper articles. This is why I fail to appreciate creative narrative.
I understand very well that the form of writing is alike to gonzo journalism where we are expected to know what is happening in order to understand what our hero is saying.
While the first part of the entry established what our hero was doing, I had difficulty understanding who was the person attacking and who is the person being attacked.
I did not know what is meant by the Dodge or on what assignment is our hero on. If it were me, I would start straightaway by saying that:
'My assignment to hunt down some vampire went awfully wrong. Yet I felt aroused as I saw (insert bloody descriptions of whatever happened to that poor person)'
And continue by talking about where our hero was and what sort of place it is before going into exposition. The exposition was rather good though. I finally begun to grasp what was happening in the story.
Is it alright if I ask these questions though:
1. 'Getting handcuffed to the chair and getting knocked out.' Was that what happened to our hero at the very beginning of the story?
2. 'Haven't seen a pair seen 03.' I presume you meant the year 2003?
3. 'Toilet seat'. Was our hero having a go at our villain on a toilet seat?
4. I do this in order to test my ability at comprehension. It is a bit irritating I know and I hope you can put up with this. Our hero seduced the villain. The villain released our hero from his bounds and he seized the opportunity to get rid of her. I believe this was what happened in summary?
5. This could be even more irritating than 4. The contest theme is about the cold. I suppose the warmth, or the lack of it, of the vampire's body ties in with the theme?
The parts that elucidated the hero's background, what his assignment was, to me was the most pleasant part of this entry. I want to know more about the hero and his exploits and this is why I share the hopes of others who have complimented you, for a sequel.
I am a prude. I resented the use of expletives even though I know full well that it gave our hero character and made readers sympathise with him. I skipped the parts where our hero was having a go at her and stopped when he bashed her head with a toilet lid. What followed thereafter left me wanting for more. What on earth has she done to the entire bar?
In short, barring the introduction, the expletives and the steamy scenes, I've enjoyed reading your entry. Best of luck!
Chacal might know about my preferences in reading, namely non-fiction, essays (indeed my entry is structured like an essay) and newspaper articles. This is why I fail to appreciate creative narrative.
I understand very well that the form of writing is alike to gonzo journalism where we are expected to know what is happening in order to understand what our hero is saying.
While the first part of the entry established what our hero was doing, I had difficulty understanding who was the person attacking and who is the person being attacked.
I did not know what is meant by the Dodge or on what assignment is our hero on. If it were me, I would start straightaway by saying that:
'My assignment to hunt down some vampire went awfully wrong. Yet I felt aroused as I saw (insert bloody descriptions of whatever happened to that poor person)'
And continue by talking about where our hero was and what sort of place it is before going into exposition. The exposition was rather good though. I finally begun to grasp what was happening in the story.
Is it alright if I ask these questions though:
1. 'Getting handcuffed to the chair and getting knocked out.' Was that what happened to our hero at the very beginning of the story?
2. 'Haven't seen a pair seen 03.' I presume you meant the year 2003?
3. 'Toilet seat'. Was our hero having a go at our villain on a toilet seat?
4. I do this in order to test my ability at comprehension. It is a bit irritating I know and I hope you can put up with this. Our hero seduced the villain. The villain released our hero from his bounds and he seized the opportunity to get rid of her. I believe this was what happened in summary?
5. This could be even more irritating than 4. The contest theme is about the cold. I suppose the warmth, or the lack of it, of the vampire's body ties in with the theme?
The parts that elucidated the hero's background, what his assignment was, to me was the most pleasant part of this entry. I want to know more about the hero and his exploits and this is why I share the hopes of others who have complimented you, for a sequel.
I am a prude. I resented the use of expletives even though I know full well that it gave our hero character and made readers sympathise with him. I skipped the parts where our hero was having a go at her and stopped when he bashed her head with a toilet lid. What followed thereafter left me wanting for more. What on earth has she done to the entire bar?
In short, barring the introduction, the expletives and the steamy scenes, I've enjoyed reading your entry. Best of luck!
1
El Chacal
FAKKU Writer
leonard267 wrote...
I did not know what is meant by the Dodge
"Get the hell out of Dodge" is a reference to Dodge City, Kansas. The phrase was made famous by the TV show "Gunsmoke," in which villians were often commanded to "get the hell out of Dodge."
The phrase took on its current meaning, which is to leave somewhere immediately, in the 1960s and 70s when teenagers began to use it in its current form.
leonard267 wrote...
1. 'Getting handcuffed to the chair and getting knocked out.' Was that what happened to our hero at the very beginning of the story?
Yup.
leonard267 wrote...
2. 'Haven't seen a pair seen 03.' I presume you meant the year 2003?
Yup.
leonard267 wrote...
3. 'Toilet seat'. Was our hero having a go at our villain on a toilet seat?
He was killing her with the lid of a toilet seat.
leonard267 wrote...
4. I do this in order to test my ability at comprehension. It is a bit irritating I know and I hope you can put up with this. Our hero seduced the villain. The villain released our hero from his bounds and he seized the opportunity to get rid of her. I believe this was what happened in summary?
The villain didn't release him. She just just started "riding" him cowgirl style. He was managed to release himself.
leonard267 wrote...
5. This could be even more irritating than 4. The contest theme is about the cold. I suppose the warmth, or the lack of it, of the vampire's body ties in with the theme?
That and the fact that it was cold outside of the hotel.
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Spoiler:
I see. Thank you for replying.
That said, have you read my entry for the competition?
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-contest-entry-2013-an-analysis#03988360
0
I enjoyed the entry for its touch of dark humor. for a moment I thought that you'd be going off with something on a serious note, or other gritty and sinister things which was kind of outside my preference and I kind of hard time digesting. but after I skimmed through, skipping the erotic scenes (not being a prude but I just somehow skipped it) - I eventually laughed at the moment the protagonist smacked the girl with a toilet seat - that was groovy.
as much as I'm kind of lost on what's happening down some parts, I still get the general idea of the story. liked the ending where the protagonist just ordered some whisky without giving a fuck about what's happened, I think I began to like the guy with all the crazy shit going on and his actions were =)
nice job =D
as much as I'm kind of lost on what's happening down some parts, I still get the general idea of the story. liked the ending where the protagonist just ordered some whisky without giving a fuck about what's happened, I think I began to like the guy with all the crazy shit going on and his actions were =)
nice job =D
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Antw0n wrote...
[size=10]you're not supposed to start sentences with and or but[/h]Congratulations for completing that brilliant series of comic strips. Any chance that you will be entering the competition? Would you entertain requests to read the entries of those who already had posted?
Here they are:
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-contest-entry-2013-an-analysis
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-contest-entry-2013-moving-on
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-contest-entry-2013-potato-chips-and-machine-guns
0
Holoofyoistu
The Messenger
For only 2k words, I like. You should totally expand this shit and get back to me, sounds like it could be fun.
0
...Woah, that was a fun read.
All the dirty words, the sexy guro reverse-rape I like it. If only the vampire is a loli...
The toilet lid part is really interesting. I was hoping for some kinda plot twist where the barkeep is actually vampire and bite him back for the ending but the whiskey part is cool as hell.
It's like I'm watching an 80-90 movie.
All the dirty words, the sexy guro reverse-rape I like it. If only the vampire is a loli...
The toilet lid part is really interesting. I was hoping for some kinda plot twist where the barkeep is actually vampire and bite him back for the ending but the whiskey part is cool as hell.
It's like I'm watching an 80-90 movie.
0
El Chacal
FAKKU Writer
Kuro vi Lolitannia wrote...
All the dirty words, the sexy guro reverse-rape I like it. If only the vampire is a loli...
Shit man, I didn't even think about that!
You just gave me an idea.
A really dirty one.
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
El Chacal wrote...
Kuro vi Lolitannia wrote...
All the dirty words, the sexy guro reverse-rape I like it. If only the vampire is a loli...
Shit man, I didn't even think about that!
You just gave me an idea.
A really dirty one.
We demand a continuation.
1
FGRaptor
FAKKU Writer
Haven't read something like this in a while. I'm not a fan of overly brutal stuff, but it works fairly well together with the first-person narrator and film-noire style. The writing is solid apart from one typing mistake I saw ("It isn’t as cool as I sounds") and the use of punctuation. It is indeed no longer the rule that you cannot start sentences with conjunctions, however it can make your work sound informal and choppy.
This is partly what happened here, as many sentences starting with a conjunction should have been connected to the preceding sentence with a comma. Now I know you said that the protagonist does not care for writing guidelines, does that mean this is something he has written done? Otherwise it simply shows that his thought process is limited and he is unable to form coherent thoughts, if it is indeed written down then he simply does not know how to form proper sentences. I'm not saying there can't be creative freedom with this, but you are not really starting new sentences with conjunctions, you are just not using commas properly.
The single use of parenthesis sticks out like a fucking sore thumb as well. Generally I would avoid using parenthesis in creative writing, especially if they are thoughts (which a first-person narrator essentially is).
Also not a fan of having full stops in dialogue, it breaks up the flow too much for me.
/grammar rant
That was about the worst in there so I'll try to get back to the content now.
I have to agree with CoffeePrince that the exposition in the middle part is too much. You are telling way too much and it doesn't seem to help the story apart from padding the word count. If you really wanted the reader to know who the protagonist works for or how the vampire society works, then that could have been done much shorter and / or in dialogue. The noire style is of course more telling as it follows an inner monologue most of the time, but you told a bit too much for my liking.
The noire style works in general though, but I have to agree that it does not work too well with a more modern setting in my opinion. You seemed to be unsure yourself in what time to set it as your references include a 1950s TV show, a 60s haircut, a 90s movie and then the 2000s. It feels inconsistent overall.
I also find the profanities overused. I know you want it for the noire-hardboiled-protagonist effect, but it’s too much. Especially towards the middle there are several fucks and shits right after one another and they simply lose their effect. It sounds lazy and I honestly cannot imagine someone talking like that (though I have seen people come close to it) and either way it is not fit for writing. I don’t want to read about someone who throws fucks and shits out there just because fuck it.
Final Thoughts:
Overall I like it and I find it to be a solid piece. Although the thing about vampires not having superpowers is interesting, it lacks some more fresh ideas. Still you left me wanting more of this vampire hunter and the world he inhabits.
I would just like less word padding (profanities and telling) and more actual story; less paragraphs of exposition, more feeding it to the reader through the story itself; less “her body was a masterpiece” and more letting me know why it is and why he thinks it is, tell me about her pale skin – her sweat glittering in the light of the hotel room, her voluptuous breasts, the colour of her erect nipples, - you get the idea.
I actually found it surprising how you went for the hardboiled-profanity route but left out many details for the erotic parts, especially the sex scene in the end. You simply describe it in a quick paragraph, not letting us know just how she rode him really, why her moans were so great, what the amazing profanities were she spouted – this might make you think I’m quite dirty, but it’s simply a part of writing – you need more detail instead of just telling “she rode me like a madwoman” – tell me her moves. You might want to read up on some more erotic fiction for inspiration.
This is partly what happened here, as many sentences starting with a conjunction should have been connected to the preceding sentence with a comma. Now I know you said that the protagonist does not care for writing guidelines, does that mean this is something he has written done? Otherwise it simply shows that his thought process is limited and he is unable to form coherent thoughts, if it is indeed written down then he simply does not know how to form proper sentences. I'm not saying there can't be creative freedom with this, but you are not really starting new sentences with conjunctions, you are just not using commas properly.
The single use of parenthesis sticks out like a fucking sore thumb as well. Generally I would avoid using parenthesis in creative writing, especially if they are thoughts (which a first-person narrator essentially is).
Also not a fan of having full stops in dialogue, it breaks up the flow too much for me.
/grammar rant
That was about the worst in there so I'll try to get back to the content now.
I have to agree with CoffeePrince that the exposition in the middle part is too much. You are telling way too much and it doesn't seem to help the story apart from padding the word count. If you really wanted the reader to know who the protagonist works for or how the vampire society works, then that could have been done much shorter and / or in dialogue. The noire style is of course more telling as it follows an inner monologue most of the time, but you told a bit too much for my liking.
The noire style works in general though, but I have to agree that it does not work too well with a more modern setting in my opinion. You seemed to be unsure yourself in what time to set it as your references include a 1950s TV show, a 60s haircut, a 90s movie and then the 2000s. It feels inconsistent overall.
I also find the profanities overused. I know you want it for the noire-hardboiled-protagonist effect, but it’s too much. Especially towards the middle there are several fucks and shits right after one another and they simply lose their effect. It sounds lazy and I honestly cannot imagine someone talking like that (though I have seen people come close to it) and either way it is not fit for writing. I don’t want to read about someone who throws fucks and shits out there just because fuck it.
Final Thoughts:
Overall I like it and I find it to be a solid piece. Although the thing about vampires not having superpowers is interesting, it lacks some more fresh ideas. Still you left me wanting more of this vampire hunter and the world he inhabits.
I would just like less word padding (profanities and telling) and more actual story; less paragraphs of exposition, more feeding it to the reader through the story itself; less “her body was a masterpiece” and more letting me know why it is and why he thinks it is, tell me about her pale skin – her sweat glittering in the light of the hotel room, her voluptuous breasts, the colour of her erect nipples, - you get the idea.
I actually found it surprising how you went for the hardboiled-profanity route but left out many details for the erotic parts, especially the sex scene in the end. You simply describe it in a quick paragraph, not letting us know just how she rode him really, why her moans were so great, what the amazing profanities were she spouted – this might make you think I’m quite dirty, but it’s simply a part of writing – you need more detail instead of just telling “she rode me like a madwoman” – tell me her moves. You might want to read up on some more erotic fiction for inspiration.
1
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Is it me or anyone hasn't pointed this little thing out?
Anyway, this was a good read. Glad that I took a few minutes off for this.
Also;
I didn't find it unnecessary at all. It adds more weight to the incident described in the story; more background details. Which is essential.
I felt that readers would want to know not just what the fuck is going on, but also why the fuck is it going on. He could have made something more simple than all the vampire stuff, but then this wouldn't be as unique a story it is.
I’m a goddamn vampire hunter. It isn’t as cool as I sounds.
Anyway, this was a good read. Glad that I took a few minutes off for this.
Also;
1st- the section where he talks about the histories of the families. For some reason, in the context of the story as a whole, it was kind of unnecessary. What does knowing about the families give the reader? What does it do for the main character? All that it showed was basically humans don't care... and we're human... and the main character is human... so we shouldn't care? I was more into the whole "in the moment" parts rather than the history. This is where I found that I lost a bit of interest.
I didn't find it unnecessary at all. It adds more weight to the incident described in the story; more background details. Which is essential.
I felt that readers would want to know not just what the fuck is going on, but also why the fuck is it going on. He could have made something more simple than all the vampire stuff, but then this wouldn't be as unique a story it is.
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
It felt like part of a bigger story, that is the problem with his entry.
However, I enjoyed it because I knew what was happening.
However, I enjoyed it because I knew what was happening.
0
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
How's that a problem?
If you kept wondering about the big picture which is left out of the entry for obvious reasons, he's pretty successful as the author.
If you kept wondering about the big picture which is left out of the entry for obvious reasons, he's pretty successful as the author.
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
That would mean that important details that gives flesh to the story are left out if the entry is indeed part of a bigger story. I agree with FGRaptor, explaining the families when it did not matter was a problem, especially given the word limit.
Except that I think he did explain how the families mattered because they were his employer.
Except that I think he did explain how the families mattered because they were his employer.