[Winter Contest Entry 2014] filial piety

Every year in remembrance of my grandfather's passing, my family holds a spiritual gathering, a ceremony that brings him back to the human world so that he can celebrate the anniversary of his death. It's a sacred tradition that allows my relatives to grieve. As the first son of my father, I was to host this ceremony as I am expected to do every year. This is my 3rd ceremony. During the ceremony my relatives grew restless and impatient-- they wanted it over with so that they can eat their lavish dinners.They complain about how long and boring it is. I close my eyes, angry.

I open my eyes, and it's lunch time. My heart trembles, my feet grow noticeably cold, and my nervous system exacerbates my limbs: I feel the adrenaline. Tonight I must go home while everyone my age parties with sluts. I was shown a TedTalk earlier in the morning during lecture about a health psychologist that spent the last decade of her life indirectly, in what she believes, to be contributing to the early deaths of many people through stress. For the past decade she told her clients that stress is bad and it needs to be managed. However in the talk, she tells us that she was wrong; she now sees stress as the body getting ready to rise up to a challenge. School ends, and the weekend starts. I welcome this change in perspective towards stress by getting a haircut, a style that mirrored my more confident years. I sit and enjoy a sugary cake and a frappuccino at Starbucks: what the hell am I doing here? I'm sitting here with some frappuccino clicking away on my study-flashcard app on my laptop. It’s Halloween. It’s the anniversary of my grandpa’s death. If I’m sitting on a hospital bed dying, and I look at this moment, would I think to do it differently? In 2 hours I have to lead the ritual that brings my grandpa back to our world of the living; if I was dying how would I think to do it differently? The dead is only honored by the living. I close my eyes.


I open my eyes. My grandpa passed away last week, and I am taught to host the ceremony to welcome him back to the living realm. Droplets dribble down my cheeks as I struggle to learn the proper motions that my dad shows me. He says, "When I die you're going to have to teach your son the same." He takes my arm and pours the rice wine into the cup, and I close my eyes.

I open my eyes. It's a summer afternoon and I'm with my grandpa-- we're outside on the front porch eating tangerines. The summer breeze tenderly whisks through the trees, accompanied by cicadas wanting our attention. We talk about how I'll grow up to be someone successful-- We talked about what we wanted for dinner, and we compromised on getting ice cream after eating at home. Before we went inside for dinner, my grandpa said, "The man you grow up to be will no doubt be someone I'll be proud of." I close my eyes.


I open my eyes, and the ceremony is over. I sit on my front porch while my relatives are in line for food. My cousins tell me that the night is still young, and they want to leave to go party with sluts after they finish their food. The older relatives lounge around before they leave; my cousins have already left to live. I stay sitting on my front porch. I close my eyes.

I wasn't sure what I thought of the repetition of closing and opening eyes at first, but at the end, I can't help but wonder what he'll open his eyes to. It's a nice touch.



I would have liked to see more of what happens during the ceremony. Like, does his grandfather's spirit literally come back to the world of the living to party with his family?

I'm not too sure what all that stuff about stress is. I can kinda see how it ties into the rest of the entry, but not really.

Overall, I like it, which is more than I can usually say for small things like this.

haha thanks! thats the overall effect that i was going for-- its the whole point of this essay actually.

if i have to explain my work then maybe i havent done a good enough job in writing it-- the ceremony itself isn't that important but more so understanding the cognitive dissonance that leads to the lesson in morality. i thought stress would be a good way to paint the picture in the description.

The effect the closing and opening of one's eyes on this essay sets it up so that the reader thinks about how the reader himself/herself will deal with this dissonance-- and ultimately reflect on who they are.

This is, by far, the best opening line I've ever read on this forum. Gets you hooked right from the start.

Well done!

haha thanks you're too nice

I didn't mention it in my previous post, but I agree that it's a great first line. Right away, there's something I want to know more about.

thanks man

I didn't notice it until I read the comments above, but it is a great first line.

Other than that, I don't have much else to say about this piece. I see this to be a personal story about how one deal with 'filial piety', also your title. It's a important moral aspect, especially in Asian countries where I live, but sadly I see them to be declining in the younger generation. I was taught very carefully about this.

It's shame this story is too short, because it left me wanting to know more about the main character's feelings towards his grandpa and the whole ceremony thing. But then again, the 'close and open eyes' thing would become much more repetitive if the story was longer, so I guess it's kind of a good thing that the story is short? I don't know. I also wonder if the narrator in this story was a reflection of yourself.

Anyway, great work. Good luck in the contest.

Sadly I have not much to say about your work, as all the things that I would mention are already covered by the keen eyes of the other authors above me (and I sure as hell do not like being repetitive). Not much errors to be noted. I did have a preconceived notion when I started reading (because of the topic chosen), that this would be like another work involving morality in a familial death and how one should act justly. But you have done a great deal of proving me wrong. Your style of writing and narrating the story put me in the shoes of the grandson and made me see the world through his eyes. I would even go as far to say that you have made me reinspect and change my attitude towards long traditional ceremonies our family has. Well done indeed.

thanks i appreciate your response; I got an error from the site when I tried to respond appropriately; I recommend that you re-read until you get what you look for; if you don't find it i guess i failed at my job as a writer haha

Thanks man you're too kind-- you have no idea what your words means to me

I totally mentally prepared myself for something sad heartbreaking stuff with the first line about this grandfather but I'm glad I didn't need to get tissues though. I'm not sure I totally get the morale but I like the story overall. I wish I could have gotten more information about the guy and his grandfathers relationship since it did feel like they were close. Also just more insight in this family. I didn't get the stress part.. Is he on the verge of dying because of stress or does it just take up everyday stress issues and discussions? Might be me who just isn't knowledgeable enough about literature. Other than that I also enjoyed the opening and closing the eyes part. Felt like I was jumping and traveling in time, which made me wonder even more if he really was death or going to die.

Nice story, good read and worth the time~ ^^)/

the title of the work is filial piety--i'm sure if you re-read this in relation to the title's context, it'll be easier to understand the morale of the story.


Thank you for taking the time to respond-- I appreciate it.

Haha yeah that might be the reason why then. I didn't understand what the title meant. I looked it up now and yeah it makes a bit more sense now. Might be a bit lost in translation though.

I'm sorry for not being able to give you a better comment for your hard work >_< but I hope it was able to make you smile even a bit.

I enjoyed this narrative from the boy’s perspective, it seems as if the words are bleeding his emotion, and yet also that they are distant because of his reservation. However pleasant it may be to dip into the mentality of a young boy coping with the loss of family and having to deal with the services which are his duties to perform, I am left kind of empty. Should I expect more? I leave this entry not knowing what it taught me. Is it important to perform the family duties one is assigned? Is it important not to party with sluts? Is it important to be proud of someone regardless of information pertaining to how they will grow up to act? I’m unsure. The story does tickle the sensations, however. That is a positive element.

Disclaimer: For those unaware, the Track Changes mode in Word 2007+ provides an efficient and handy method to review written material. The black vertical line to the left of the written lines indicate a change edited in the corresponding horizontal written line. All font that is blue are direct changes to the original text. Words and letters that have strike-through are suggested removal and those with an underline are suggested additions. Comments, as you can see, highlight an appropriate area and are placed in the right-hand margin followed by a dotted line corresponding to the correct comment.

As always, if you have any questions or concern over specific edits or about parts of your story in general, I would be happy to discuss them.

An image from my Word document is below.

I see you are drawing from the same inspiration that you used for Anamnesis. Despite my commentary on your work before, it did leave me with a very strong impression. However, much like your previous work, I think your entry this time suffers from similar problems.

I think you could make this work far more powerful if you developed the characters you introduce. The cousins, the older relatives, and even the grandfather could use development. Rather than say the cousins want to party, you could go into detail about how they fidgeted during the ceremony, how they 'subtly' looked at their phones, and how they huddled up in a corner to themselves trying to stay far from the front of the ritual. By further developing characters, you can make your events that much more meaningful.

All that said, I think that you employed some great techniques here. The repetition of the opening and closing of the eyes was magnificent. Not only did I find it a very refreshing take on scene transitions, but I find it very powerful as well. The closing of the eyes can take on several meanings such as a desire to escape reality or a way to express sorrow or respect. The same goes for the opening of the eyes, which can express the protagonist's desire to look to a new reality, or to remember an event. Even if you don't mean any of this, the fact that I can come up with it makes it all the more interesting.

Last bit I would like to touch up on is the title. Filial piety is defined as a virtue in which one has respect for elders. While that is easy enough to understand, I can only wonder if 'filial piety', as in your title, is written that way for a reason. It seems like a very blatant mistake to not capitalize it. However, I have a theory. Assuming that you left it like that for a reason, the significance behind not capitalizing it is meant to accentuate the point that you are trying to make. Filial piety is all but a dead virtue. The protagonist serves as an observer of the masses and what he sees are people his age, his cousins, and even his older relatives dismissing what was meant to be a sacred ceremony for an elder that deserved respect. Sounds like the protagonist needs to lay some smackdown!



I once thought this way, and I still do to a certain extent. There is always a way to improve your writing whether that be widening your vocabulary or learning to be clearer and more concise. However, I find that there is beauty and power behind symbols and writing technique. Keep that in mind. Just because you had to explain something doesn't mean that it was bad. The reader-writer relationship as it pertains to understanding symbols, techniques, and context is a dynamic, and how you wish to balance that is up to you.

thanks, I really appreciate your input. lol you're basically saying, "so what? why should i care?" which is really important-- I failed in making you care, and I see it now that it was because I lacked development in the characters, and the settings. Thank you your input-- it means a lot, more than you'll know.

thanks I really appreciate your input. You're absolutely right-- with both Anamnesis and filial piety, I just made a story for the deadline, and honestly I need to start taking writing more seriously to get better.

I'm really grateful that you saw what I did with the techniques in filial piety, more grateful than you'll know.

For your theory you're right-- I thought the morality theme of the story was obvious, and i guess i have to work harder to show it. As I read your comments I find it now true to develop the characters--before I left them blank because they werent the central focus.

The morality of this story shows itself as a more real version of its cliche-- that despite the voice's cynicism towards filial piety, he can't help but to show it; initially he mocks it and doesn't agree with the idea at all, but at the end of the day,
he loved his grandfather. I tried to show the reader that it is the end that shows the readers the narrator's decision- it isn't said but implied [i guess i failed here] that he realizes that at end of the day, this ceremony is the only thing he can do for his grandfather. To put it more simply, it's a ceremony he doesn't believe in, but does it anyway because he really loved his grandfather. Which goes back full circle to the cliche of these ceremonies, as they're usually held to respect the dead.

I criticised Anamnesis for lacking an introduction. Here, it lacked a conclusion. I could have explained (briefly) what is up with all of the eye opening and eye shutting.

I didn't really get the how the rumination about stress and the funeral were related to each other. It could do also with a brief explanation. Like, 'Indeed, I was in similar circumstances. My grandfather's premature death must have led me to be prone to stress.'

The transition to our main character ruminating about whether he would do things differently in his deathbed I did not understand. Was he thinking if he would regret his decision if he were not to take part in the ceremony? I looked back at the previous sentences for clues but instead found lines about drinking at Starbucks.

It is very short, which is not a bad thing but I could not understand it fully. More words could have been written to make me understand the digression about talking about psychiatrists, imagining being on your deathbed, school starting and ending, Halloween so on and so for.

Indeed the only parts where I thought made sense were the last few paragraphs. Why did the main character wish to participate in that ritual long after his grandfather's death? It must have been what both the main character and his grandfather did while the latter still drew breath.

No, I'm not saying I don't care. I cared about what you did with this piece a lot. I could feel like I was there on that porch, the taste of tangerines tickled my tongue. I agreed with xninebreaker that your process of changing the scene with his opening and closing of the eyes was an interesting element and one I have tried in a similar fashion a few years back on this forum.

However, I think leonard has it right in saying that a conclusion is lacking. This might be because you tried to make it come full circle. If a story revolves around itself, a conclusion is hard to derive from it. My point with the questions I was asking about what this is supposed to teach us is that a lack of a conclusion made that difficult to assess and for a theme of attaching a moral, that unfortunately made things hard to translate. It's a fine piece in its own rite, but my main criticism was that the lesson that it brings up is too open-ended. I shouldn't be wondering what you were trying to teach me if the theme was to teach me a lesson to apply to my life. I should know for certain.