[Winter Contest Entry 2014] Risk of Rain
1
Sound of Destiny
Inbetweener
“The weather reports said that it would rain tonight. Maybe we should just forget about this and do something else.”
In the sweltering summer heat of my 16th year, I find myself being strong-armed towards my own demise at the whim of a young girl.
“Enough excuses! What are you so afraid of anyway?”
This girl and I have been friends for as long as I can remember. Living next door, I’d always get dragged into her little high jinks. 12 years later and that much hasn’t changed.
“I just don’t feel like humiliating myself in front of hundreds of people!”
She’s always had a knack for getting me into uncomfortable situations but she’s taken it too far. A month back, she entered me into the high school division of a local classical piano competition, of course, without my permission. Now, I find myself being forcefully hauled by the arm to the tomb of my already small amount of dignity.
“That’s loser talk! Why are you thinking so negatively anyway? I think you sound great! I’ve never missed an opportunity to listen to you play so nobody knows better than me just how talented you are.” She takes a quick glance back at me and flashes a characteristic grin.
“Maybe I sound decent to an untrained ear like yours but these are professional judges we’re talking about! I’m also nowhere near the caliber of the other competitors. They practice way more and even have personal instructors. They’re the real deal. How am I supposed to compare with them? Do you enjoy watching murder because that’s exactly what’s going to happen if I get up on that stage?”
“Stop whining already! Why does any of that junk even matter!? Just play your heart out and hope for the best. Besides, it would be even more embarrassing if you just didn’t show up.”
She has a point. Just like a mouse caught in a trap, I’m doomed.
“It’s that rash attitude that’s always getting you in trouble. The way you tackle life with such reckless abandon would be admirable if it weren’t so worrisome.”
It’s still a mystery how such a boundless spirit could become so close to someone as prudent as me. I guess she needs something mellow to balance out all that energy. Well, it’s pointless trying to fight her at this point. Once she has her mind set on something, it’s impossible stop her. That’s just the kind of person she is, uncontrollable and stubborn to a fault.
When we finally arrived at the conservatory, what we saw made my spirit waver even more. The sheer scale of this place was astounding. It was absolutely massive. To think my social life would lie in such an oversized grave.
“Amazing! This place is huge! How many people do you think can fit in there?”
Look at you, without a care in the world. It wouldn’t hurt if you could feel some sympathy for me.
“Hey, check this out!” She runs up to me holding a thin booklet in her hands. The list of contestants? She flips through the pages and points to my name.
“You’re the final performance. Isn’t that great! They’re saving the best for last.”
As if this could get any worse. It’s like the universe is trying to punish me. What did I do to deserve such misfortune?
“What’s with that look? You should be excited about this. You finally get to show everyone what you’re made of.”
A chance to show the world that my skills are as flimsy as paper? Wonderful…
Now that it’s come this far I might as well ask her. It’s been bothering me for a while now so it’s about time I got it off my chest. Maybe knowing will give me some peace of mind, no matter how little.
“Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question?
She faces me with a serious expression
“Why do you want me to join this so badly?”
She seems surprised at the simplicity of the question, but without hesitating, she gives me her sincere answer.
“It’s because I love listening to you play.” She looks up at me with this small earnest smile. It held so much honesty and life in it but I’d be a liar if I said that it was a satisfying answer.
“If that’s all you wanted then why do all this? You could come over any time and I’d play to your heart’s content.”
“That’s not what I meant. I love your playing so much, I thought it would be a shame to not share it.”
The amount of trust she puts in me is touching but it’s just not realistic. I have to look at the facts.
“It’s not like these people will appreciate the playing of an amateur. They won’t accept anything but the best. I’m no good for an event like this.”
The truth is a hard pill to swallow but it’s not something I can deny. I’m basically putting my inadequacy on full display. How could I live with myself after that?
“Ughhh! Stop talking about yourself like that.”
She grabs me by the shoulders and looks me dead in the eyes.
“Why does all that matter? You love playing don’t you? So why should you care what other people think? Just go out there and play because you enjoy it.”
Her sheer passion throws me off but as much as I want to believe her, my cynical side just can’t agree.
“Even if you’re garbage at it, just go out there because you want to. It doesn’t matter if everyone hates it as long as you’re happy with it.
She stares me down almost as if she was trying to convince me with her eyes. She’s really serious about this isn’t she? Well, there’s no helping it. I’m just going to have to give you want you want.
“Fine, I get it but I better get something out of this.”
That serious expression melts into one of sheer jubilation.
“You got it! Right after this over, let’s head to that café you love and I’ll treat you to as much as you want.”
You really are so simple-minded.
“Deal. I hope your wallet’s full because I’m going to bleed that thing dry”
I check the time on my watch and it looks like the competition is about to begin.
“Anyway, it’s about time I head to the prep area. Make sure you get good seats and don’t cause too much noise. Got it?”
“Yeah, yeah. You’ve got nothing to worry about. Get out there and kill †˜em! Oh, and if you ever get nervous just look for me in the audience and think of all the free crepes you’re gonna get!”
“I’ll do just that.”
She gives me one last smile and waves before making her way into the auditorium.
There’s no turning back now. I resign myself to my fate and head towards the prep room, my final safe haven before disaster strikes.
As I enter, the speaker in the room announces the beginning of the competition and the first contestant collects himself before hurriedly walking out onto the stage. I get into more appropriate attire then sluggishly retiring to an unoccupied couch in the corner. It’s just 32 more performances to go. This is going to be a long day. I heave a deep sigh and focusing all my attention on the ticking of the clock on the wall which only serves as a painful reminder that time isn’t going any slower
After waiting for what seems like an eternity, the speaker calls for the next contestant. Which one is this? I’ve already lost count. At first I was able to stay calm but after every passing performance my nerves got more and more out of control. I bury my face in my hands wishing for some kind of miracle. The clock isn’t going to stop. Every second that passes inches me closer to that inescapable moment.
Get a hold of yourself! It’s going to be all right. Just think of crepes. My internal pep talk is cut short when the PA system calls out my name. Shit! I’m up already? I could have sworn we were still in the mid twenties. I really am losing it.
I slowly make my way towards the door leading to the stage. This is it. My trembling palms clutch the handles and swing them open. I pass by the previous contestant as I head towards stage. He looks at peace. I can only wish for that same feeling when this over with.
The walk towards the piano must have been the tensest moment of my life. Who knew that walking from one end of a stage to the other could freak someone out this much.
When I finally reach the piano, I don’t even take the time to adjust the seat. I just want this done with already. Against my better judgment, I glance out towards the audience. Seeing that immense crowd made my confidence sink to rock bottom. With all those eyes, glued on me how the hell am I supposed to keep my cool?
I survey the area, searching for the one person who could cure me of this anxiety but the damn place looks it just came out of a Where’s Wally book. Where are you? I sure could use some of that motivation right now.
I’m taking way too long! I get ready to begin playing but my hands are shaking with uncontrollable force. For a second, I thought there was earthquake but the confused muttering of the audience brings me back to the reality of my discomfiting situation. I shut my eyes and try to quell my nervousness to no avail.
I take one last good look at my soon to be prosecutors but the darkness of the auditorium covers them in a shadowy fog. Their faces are hardly visible, almost as if I was performing for a pack of faceless shadows. Then, from the corner of my eye, I see a familiar face with a familiar message that’s been ringing in my ear for the past month.
Just do it
Fine. You win.
I turn my head back towards the piano. I’ve wasted enough time worrying about irrelevant things. I set my hands in position, sit as straight as possible, and let the first note ring. As I let my feeling carry me the rest of the way, my fingers felt like they were tapping on feathers flowing in the wind. I had to wonder why I cared so much about everyone else. Maybe she was right all along. All conscious thought vanished as I let myself get lost in the music.
When my senses returned, the last key of my performance and the competition had been struck. Scattered applause filled the room, a chillier reception than what I had hoped for, but really none of that mattered. I got up, bowed, and went on my merry way. With that, my first classical music competition ended.
_____________________________________________________________
“I can’t believe you didn’t even place! I thought you would win for sure.”
“It can’t be helped. The tempo was all over the place and the dynamics were totally off. The results don’t really matter anyway.”
“I never though I’d hear that coming out of your mouth. Looks like I’m finally starting to rub off on you after all these years!”
Well, she seems awfully content with herself. I can’t let this get to her head but I’ll let it slide this time. She deserves it.
“You know, Now that I’ve lost, I feel the need to redeem myself. So, better luck next time, I guess. Oh, and since you started this, you better believe I’m dragging you out to each and every one.”
I give her a big smile and she replies with her own.
“That’s the spirit! Now, Let’s get you those crepes!”
In the sweltering summer heat of my 16th year, I find myself being strong-armed towards my own demise at the whim of a young girl.
“Enough excuses! What are you so afraid of anyway?”
This girl and I have been friends for as long as I can remember. Living next door, I’d always get dragged into her little high jinks. 12 years later and that much hasn’t changed.
“I just don’t feel like humiliating myself in front of hundreds of people!”
She’s always had a knack for getting me into uncomfortable situations but she’s taken it too far. A month back, she entered me into the high school division of a local classical piano competition, of course, without my permission. Now, I find myself being forcefully hauled by the arm to the tomb of my already small amount of dignity.
“That’s loser talk! Why are you thinking so negatively anyway? I think you sound great! I’ve never missed an opportunity to listen to you play so nobody knows better than me just how talented you are.” She takes a quick glance back at me and flashes a characteristic grin.
“Maybe I sound decent to an untrained ear like yours but these are professional judges we’re talking about! I’m also nowhere near the caliber of the other competitors. They practice way more and even have personal instructors. They’re the real deal. How am I supposed to compare with them? Do you enjoy watching murder because that’s exactly what’s going to happen if I get up on that stage?”
“Stop whining already! Why does any of that junk even matter!? Just play your heart out and hope for the best. Besides, it would be even more embarrassing if you just didn’t show up.”
She has a point. Just like a mouse caught in a trap, I’m doomed.
“It’s that rash attitude that’s always getting you in trouble. The way you tackle life with such reckless abandon would be admirable if it weren’t so worrisome.”
It’s still a mystery how such a boundless spirit could become so close to someone as prudent as me. I guess she needs something mellow to balance out all that energy. Well, it’s pointless trying to fight her at this point. Once she has her mind set on something, it’s impossible stop her. That’s just the kind of person she is, uncontrollable and stubborn to a fault.
When we finally arrived at the conservatory, what we saw made my spirit waver even more. The sheer scale of this place was astounding. It was absolutely massive. To think my social life would lie in such an oversized grave.
“Amazing! This place is huge! How many people do you think can fit in there?”
Look at you, without a care in the world. It wouldn’t hurt if you could feel some sympathy for me.
“Hey, check this out!” She runs up to me holding a thin booklet in her hands. The list of contestants? She flips through the pages and points to my name.
“You’re the final performance. Isn’t that great! They’re saving the best for last.”
As if this could get any worse. It’s like the universe is trying to punish me. What did I do to deserve such misfortune?
“What’s with that look? You should be excited about this. You finally get to show everyone what you’re made of.”
A chance to show the world that my skills are as flimsy as paper? Wonderful…
Now that it’s come this far I might as well ask her. It’s been bothering me for a while now so it’s about time I got it off my chest. Maybe knowing will give me some peace of mind, no matter how little.
“Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question?
She faces me with a serious expression
“Why do you want me to join this so badly?”
She seems surprised at the simplicity of the question, but without hesitating, she gives me her sincere answer.
“It’s because I love listening to you play.” She looks up at me with this small earnest smile. It held so much honesty and life in it but I’d be a liar if I said that it was a satisfying answer.
“If that’s all you wanted then why do all this? You could come over any time and I’d play to your heart’s content.”
“That’s not what I meant. I love your playing so much, I thought it would be a shame to not share it.”
The amount of trust she puts in me is touching but it’s just not realistic. I have to look at the facts.
“It’s not like these people will appreciate the playing of an amateur. They won’t accept anything but the best. I’m no good for an event like this.”
The truth is a hard pill to swallow but it’s not something I can deny. I’m basically putting my inadequacy on full display. How could I live with myself after that?
“Ughhh! Stop talking about yourself like that.”
She grabs me by the shoulders and looks me dead in the eyes.
“Why does all that matter? You love playing don’t you? So why should you care what other people think? Just go out there and play because you enjoy it.”
Her sheer passion throws me off but as much as I want to believe her, my cynical side just can’t agree.
“Even if you’re garbage at it, just go out there because you want to. It doesn’t matter if everyone hates it as long as you’re happy with it.
She stares me down almost as if she was trying to convince me with her eyes. She’s really serious about this isn’t she? Well, there’s no helping it. I’m just going to have to give you want you want.
“Fine, I get it but I better get something out of this.”
That serious expression melts into one of sheer jubilation.
“You got it! Right after this over, let’s head to that café you love and I’ll treat you to as much as you want.”
You really are so simple-minded.
“Deal. I hope your wallet’s full because I’m going to bleed that thing dry”
I check the time on my watch and it looks like the competition is about to begin.
“Anyway, it’s about time I head to the prep area. Make sure you get good seats and don’t cause too much noise. Got it?”
“Yeah, yeah. You’ve got nothing to worry about. Get out there and kill †˜em! Oh, and if you ever get nervous just look for me in the audience and think of all the free crepes you’re gonna get!”
“I’ll do just that.”
She gives me one last smile and waves before making her way into the auditorium.
There’s no turning back now. I resign myself to my fate and head towards the prep room, my final safe haven before disaster strikes.
As I enter, the speaker in the room announces the beginning of the competition and the first contestant collects himself before hurriedly walking out onto the stage. I get into more appropriate attire then sluggishly retiring to an unoccupied couch in the corner. It’s just 32 more performances to go. This is going to be a long day. I heave a deep sigh and focusing all my attention on the ticking of the clock on the wall which only serves as a painful reminder that time isn’t going any slower
After waiting for what seems like an eternity, the speaker calls for the next contestant. Which one is this? I’ve already lost count. At first I was able to stay calm but after every passing performance my nerves got more and more out of control. I bury my face in my hands wishing for some kind of miracle. The clock isn’t going to stop. Every second that passes inches me closer to that inescapable moment.
Get a hold of yourself! It’s going to be all right. Just think of crepes. My internal pep talk is cut short when the PA system calls out my name. Shit! I’m up already? I could have sworn we were still in the mid twenties. I really am losing it.
I slowly make my way towards the door leading to the stage. This is it. My trembling palms clutch the handles and swing them open. I pass by the previous contestant as I head towards stage. He looks at peace. I can only wish for that same feeling when this over with.
The walk towards the piano must have been the tensest moment of my life. Who knew that walking from one end of a stage to the other could freak someone out this much.
When I finally reach the piano, I don’t even take the time to adjust the seat. I just want this done with already. Against my better judgment, I glance out towards the audience. Seeing that immense crowd made my confidence sink to rock bottom. With all those eyes, glued on me how the hell am I supposed to keep my cool?
I survey the area, searching for the one person who could cure me of this anxiety but the damn place looks it just came out of a Where’s Wally book. Where are you? I sure could use some of that motivation right now.
I’m taking way too long! I get ready to begin playing but my hands are shaking with uncontrollable force. For a second, I thought there was earthquake but the confused muttering of the audience brings me back to the reality of my discomfiting situation. I shut my eyes and try to quell my nervousness to no avail.
I take one last good look at my soon to be prosecutors but the darkness of the auditorium covers them in a shadowy fog. Their faces are hardly visible, almost as if I was performing for a pack of faceless shadows. Then, from the corner of my eye, I see a familiar face with a familiar message that’s been ringing in my ear for the past month.
Just do it
Fine. You win.
I turn my head back towards the piano. I’ve wasted enough time worrying about irrelevant things. I set my hands in position, sit as straight as possible, and let the first note ring. As I let my feeling carry me the rest of the way, my fingers felt like they were tapping on feathers flowing in the wind. I had to wonder why I cared so much about everyone else. Maybe she was right all along. All conscious thought vanished as I let myself get lost in the music.
When my senses returned, the last key of my performance and the competition had been struck. Scattered applause filled the room, a chillier reception than what I had hoped for, but really none of that mattered. I got up, bowed, and went on my merry way. With that, my first classical music competition ended.
_____________________________________________________________
“I can’t believe you didn’t even place! I thought you would win for sure.”
“It can’t be helped. The tempo was all over the place and the dynamics were totally off. The results don’t really matter anyway.”
“I never though I’d hear that coming out of your mouth. Looks like I’m finally starting to rub off on you after all these years!”
Well, she seems awfully content with herself. I can’t let this get to her head but I’ll let it slide this time. She deserves it.
“You know, Now that I’ve lost, I feel the need to redeem myself. So, better luck next time, I guess. Oh, and since you started this, you better believe I’m dragging you out to each and every one.”
I give her a big smile and she replies with her own.
“That’s the spirit! Now, Let’s get you those crepes!”
1
Im very much an amateur myself but here is the best feedback I can offer you:
Thank you for sharing your own work and I hope you get a place or win the contest. A happy new year to you!
Spoiler:
Thank you for sharing your own work and I hope you get a place or win the contest. A happy new year to you!
0
Most of the entries I've read so far (only have one more to go) build up to the moral, and then it's, "Boom! Moral, in your face!" and they're done. There's nothing wrong with that. After all, including a moral was the only rule with regards to content, and it makes sense to have the moral be the purpose of the story. However, I really like that you spare some words to have a little epilogue of sorts for the main characters.
There were some grammar errors, but I think it's well done overall, and it's definitely one of my favorites from this competition.
However, I can't help but ask what the hell is up with the title?
There were some grammar errors, but I think it's well done overall, and it's definitely one of my favorites from this competition.
However, I can't help but ask what the hell is up with the title?
0
Cinia Pacifica
Ojou-sama Writer
Ryuuchamashi wrote...
Third, I do not know because of the piano or crepes element of the story but this work of yours kinda reminds me a bit of Shigatsu no Kimi wa Uso, dont you think? Don't take me wrong but I liked that bit of it.I know, right?
I had that exact thought when I was reading this piece. It's either inspired from it or just coincidentally similar.
0
Sound of Destiny
Inbetweener
Thank you for your kind words and Happy New Year!
Regarding your comments, I left the names of the characters a mystery because they weren't really "people" per se. Rather, they were representations of the feelings/impulses of a person. The main character is that nagging feeling of demotivation while his friend is the part of a person that drives and inspires. So, I thought it would be better if I kept them nameless to highlight the internal struggle within people to present themselves to the world. Also, I'm really horrible at coming up with names!
I haven't seen Shigatsu since I'm waiting for it to be complete but I'm definitely looking forward to it. :)
As far as the title goes, it would have probably made more sense if the word count didn't force me to cut the epilogue short but I'll try and explain it. When it comes to the weather, there's always some kind of uncertainty involved so at the beginning, the main character mentions the chance of rain as an excuse not to go. The meaning of the title is that there's always an uncertainty, a risk of rain falling, but you shouldn't let that dictate your life.
Regarding your comments, I left the names of the characters a mystery because they weren't really "people" per se. Rather, they were representations of the feelings/impulses of a person. The main character is that nagging feeling of demotivation while his friend is the part of a person that drives and inspires. So, I thought it would be better if I kept them nameless to highlight the internal struggle within people to present themselves to the world. Also, I'm really horrible at coming up with names!
I haven't seen Shigatsu since I'm waiting for it to be complete but I'm definitely looking forward to it. :)
As far as the title goes, it would have probably made more sense if the word count didn't force me to cut the epilogue short but I'll try and explain it. When it comes to the weather, there's always some kind of uncertainty involved so at the beginning, the main character mentions the chance of rain as an excuse not to go. The meaning of the title is that there's always an uncertainty, a risk of rain falling, but you shouldn't let that dictate your life.
0
Ryuuchamashi wrote...
So now I'll try to guess the moral of your short story. Would it be, at any chance, taking the initiative and not worrying about too much? About seizing the opportunities and whether you win or lose, its the experience and fun that comes along that counts?I can see where you're coming from just after reading the synopsis of the show's plot.
Sound of Destiny wrote...
As far as the title goes, it would have probably made more sense if the word count didn't force me to cut the epilogue short but I'll try and explain it. When it comes to the weather, there's always some kind of uncertainty involved so at the beginning, the main character mentions the chance of rain as an excuse not to go. The meaning of the title is that there's always an uncertainty, a risk of rain falling, but you shouldn't let that dictate your life.Oh, that's cool.
0
A simple yet elegant story. Good job.
There's a few grammatical errors here and there, but it's not very significant.
I actually like it that you didn't include a name for the characters, since there's only a boy and a girl anyway, and that makes it more of a representation of society. The story clearly shows the feelings of the main characters, which in turn depicts their personalities really well. One common problem I see in a short story like this is that they don't have nearly enough character development, they instead just focus on the plot, which makes your entry better by my standards. Kind of a really typical plot of a soft-hearted romance anime, but a job well done is a job well done, and I need to hand to you that much.
Looks like you are one of the favorites of this poll. Good luck to you in the contest.
There's a few grammatical errors here and there, but it's not very significant.
I actually like it that you didn't include a name for the characters, since there's only a boy and a girl anyway, and that makes it more of a representation of society. The story clearly shows the feelings of the main characters, which in turn depicts their personalities really well. One common problem I see in a short story like this is that they don't have nearly enough character development, they instead just focus on the plot, which makes your entry better by my standards. Kind of a really typical plot of a soft-hearted romance anime, but a job well done is a job well done, and I need to hand to you that much.
Looks like you are one of the favorites of this poll. Good luck to you in the contest.
0
Ryuuchamashi wrote...
Second, this is not entirely an editing comment but I would like to see the protagonist's name appear even once. Yes, we might be submitting short stories under 2000 words but I feel like I need to know the name of the main person. That aside, if your intention is maintaining the mystery of the identity of the main person, that is very much fine.It's kind of funny. By the end of the story, I felt like I knew the characters so well that I hadn't realized that I didn't know their names.
0
OH the music stories, series always strike right to my heart. As a pianist myself and a lover of classic music and series dealing with classic music like Nodame Cantabile and now Shigatsu wa kimi no uso I sure did enjoy the story very much.
Also I have to agree with many that I totally thought.. SHIGATSU when reading your story. The main character reminded me of a Kousei after he got over his trauma and the girl would be the a mix og Tsubaki and Kaori. The childhood friend and the pushy determined girl.
I was okay with the characters not having names. Since there was only two character it didn't cause any confusion, and I at first I was wtf at the title too, thought it would be something full of rain and rainy emotions but after reading the explanation I get it.
Good job writing the story! I had an idea to what the moral was but I really had to think a long time before finding one where I thought "this mmight be the one"~
Also I have to agree with many that I totally thought.. SHIGATSU when reading your story. The main character reminded me of a Kousei after he got over his trauma and the girl would be the a mix og Tsubaki and Kaori. The childhood friend and the pushy determined girl.
I was okay with the characters not having names. Since there was only two character it didn't cause any confusion, and I at first I was wtf at the title too, thought it would be something full of rain and rainy emotions but after reading the explanation I get it.
Good job writing the story! I had an idea to what the moral was but I really had to think a long time before finding one where I thought "this mmight be the one"~
0
I like this story, sweet, yet not overly so. I think you have a good balance of the elements in the story, and know when it is time for changing the pace.
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Did that really happen?
I applaud you. This is what I can never come up with, a nice short story with a simple setting and with characters with motivations and dialogue that I feel is used properly. I hate it when dialogue is used to establish setting but over here it gives characters personality and tells this reader what their motivations are. (Furthermore, it is not so complex. All the neighbour wanted to do is to see him (or her) perform in a competition.)
The first few paragraphs introduced the setting for me wonderfully. I am not confused after reading it. That might be attributed to it not being set in a fantasy world and I can understand how is it like to enter competitions. (Mind you, I am very particular to the point of unhealthy obsession over this)
The criticism I can give is that the story is too simple and mundane (which is very silly criticism indeed given the 2000 word limit). Embellishing and dramatising the simplest and the most mundane is the best way to go about for short stories like these. Another silly criticism is that it does not impress me as much as a very bizarre story or a very tragic or comic story would but that is a matter of taste.
It might be intentional that you didn't include what some call a 'happy ending' where the neighbour expressed how she felt about our hero perhaps because it might be too cliché and you want readers to imagine that there is a very deep and intimate relationship between the two main characters.
I mind it a little though. A bit of rumination of how important the neighbour was to her or the protagonist wondering what he (or she) was to the neighbour would have wrapped things up nicely. It is (what some termed as) a romance story after all and like all stories I would love to see a proper conclusion.
Have you read my entry by any chance?
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-2014-concerning-morality-and-the-human-life-cycle
My tastes in writing tend towards the silly which I feel there isn't enough of.
Speaking of morals...
d, what moral?
I applaud you. This is what I can never come up with, a nice short story with a simple setting and with characters with motivations and dialogue that I feel is used properly. I hate it when dialogue is used to establish setting but over here it gives characters personality and tells this reader what their motivations are. (Furthermore, it is not so complex. All the neighbour wanted to do is to see him (or her) perform in a competition.)
The first few paragraphs introduced the setting for me wonderfully. I am not confused after reading it. That might be attributed to it not being set in a fantasy world and I can understand how is it like to enter competitions. (Mind you, I am very particular to the point of unhealthy obsession over this)
The criticism I can give is that the story is too simple and mundane (which is very silly criticism indeed given the 2000 word limit). Embellishing and dramatising the simplest and the most mundane is the best way to go about for short stories like these. Another silly criticism is that it does not impress me as much as a very bizarre story or a very tragic or comic story would but that is a matter of taste.
It might be intentional that you didn't include what some call a 'happy ending' where the neighbour expressed how she felt about our hero perhaps because it might be too cliché and you want readers to imagine that there is a very deep and intimate relationship between the two main characters.
I mind it a little though. A bit of rumination of how important the neighbour was to her or the protagonist wondering what he (or she) was to the neighbour would have wrapped things up nicely. It is (what some termed as) a romance story after all and like all stories I would love to see a proper conclusion.
Have you read my entry by any chance?
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-2014-concerning-morality-and-the-human-life-cycle
My tastes in writing tend towards the silly which I feel there isn't enough of.
Speaking of morals...
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Most of the entries I've read so far (only have one more to go) build up to the moral...] d, what moral?
2
Sound of Destiny
Inbetweener
I never expected to get such an in-depth critique. Thank you leonard.
In a way it did happen but at the same time it didn't. This story is based on my emotions when I decided to join this contest. I kept getting cold feet and couldn't write anything. At first I wanted to do something more serious and dark to try and impress people but it didn't work. In the end, I just wrote what I wanted to and that's how I got this. So I suppose you can say it "happened".
Yes, it's a very normal story. That's just my style but I definitely could have spiced some parts up. I had to cut the performance a lot shorter because of that damn word limit.
Actually, this story started out being a lot more focused on romance but I just felt like the moral would have been completely lost if I did that. I tried to suck out all the romance but I guess that stench can't really be removed. I don't really consider it a romance story but I can totally understand why people would think that.
Yes, I have read your entry and it's definitely on the more whimsical side. It has interesting things to say about society and your command over your words definitely helps drive that point. Sorry, if that was a lot shorter than your critique of my story. I've never been the kind to give criticism to people I didn't know personally.
Anyway, thank you for the comment. It put a smile on my face. Also, good luck with the competition!
In a way it did happen but at the same time it didn't. This story is based on my emotions when I decided to join this contest. I kept getting cold feet and couldn't write anything. At first I wanted to do something more serious and dark to try and impress people but it didn't work. In the end, I just wrote what I wanted to and that's how I got this. So I suppose you can say it "happened".
Yes, it's a very normal story. That's just my style but I definitely could have spiced some parts up. I had to cut the performance a lot shorter because of that damn word limit.
Actually, this story started out being a lot more focused on romance but I just felt like the moral would have been completely lost if I did that. I tried to suck out all the romance but I guess that stench can't really be removed. I don't really consider it a romance story but I can totally understand why people would think that.
Yes, I have read your entry and it's definitely on the more whimsical side. It has interesting things to say about society and your command over your words definitely helps drive that point. Sorry, if that was a lot shorter than your critique of my story. I've never been the kind to give criticism to people I didn't know personally.
Anyway, thank you for the comment. It put a smile on my face. Also, good luck with the competition!
1
leonard267 wrote...
Embellishing and dramatising the simplest and the most mundane is the best way to go about for short stories like these.That may or may not be true, but if you're suggesting that he should have done that with this story, then I disagree. It would have ruined the charm it has.
Speaking of morals...
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Most of the entries I've read so far (only have one more to go) build up to the moral...]
d, what moral?
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Most of the entries I've read so far (only have one more to go) build up to the moral...]
d, what moral?
Forget all about what others think, and enjoy yourself.
0
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
Sound of Destiny wrote...
I never expected to get such an in-depth critique. Thank you leonard.In a way it did happen but at the same time it didn't. This story is based on my emotions when I decided to join this contest. I kept getting cold feet and couldn't write anything. At first I wanted to do something more serious and dark to try and impress people but it didn't work. In the end, I just wrote what I wanted to and that's how I got this. So I suppose you can say it "happened".
Yes, it's a very normal story. That's just my style but I definitely could have spiced some parts up. I had to cut the performance a lot shorter because of that damn word limit.
Actually, this story started out being a lot more focused on romance but I just felt like the moral would have been completely lost if I did that. I tried to suck out all the romance but I guess that stench can't really be removed. I don't really consider it a romance story but I can totally understand why people would think that.
Yes, I have read your entry and it's definitely on the more whimsical side. It has interesting things to say about society and your command over your words definitely helps drive that point. Sorry, if that was a lot shorter than your critique of my story. I've never been the kind to give criticism to people I didn't know personally.
Anyway, thank you for the comment. It put a smile on my face. Also, good luck with the competition!
Oh no. Thank you for the reply. The remarks about it being simple (and sweet) are purely a matter of taste me being a very strange young man. There is another question I would like to ask. What is the gender of the protagonist? Imagined him to be a young man who is be beleaguered by his pesky neighbour.
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
leonard267 wrote...
Embellishing and dramatising the simplest and the most mundane is the best way to go about for short stories like these.That may or may not be true, but if you're suggesting that he should have done that with this story, then I disagree. It would have ruined the charm it has.
Speaking of morals...
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Most of the entries I've read so far (only have one more to go) build up to the moral...]
d, what moral?
d(^_^)(^_^)d wrote...
Most of the entries I've read so far (only have one more to go) build up to the moral...]
d, what moral?
Forget all about what others think, and enjoy yourself.
No. You misunderstood me. The entry dramatised and embellished something simple and mundane which I thought was impressive. The only criticism I am really giving is that the subject matter IS simple and mundane which really is a matter of taste. I found this entry brilliant really.
0
Sound of Destiny
Inbetweener
The gender of the protagonist is whatever you want it to be! (To me he's a guy)
1
leonard267
FAKKU Non-Writer
[color=red]Would like to ask for your permission to parody your entry.[/color] Here is a collection of entries I parodied the past competition to give you an idea what they are like.
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-writing-contest-wrap-up-campaigning-and-mudslinging
Should I tell you what I have in mind?
https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/winter-writing-contest-wrap-up-campaigning-and-mudslinging
Should I tell you what I have in mind?
0
Sound of Destiny
Inbetweener
Feel free. It's actually sort of flattering that someone would put in the time to do that.
0
Xenon
FAKKU Writer
This piece begins so flawlessly. A necessary amount of exposition and background are established, some fresh dialogue is shared, and not a single error in sight. Despite a few tense confusions attributed to your choice of first-person, it seemed like this entry would undoubtedly be amongst the best in the contest. However, after a continued read, more errors and typos begin to reveal themselves in your work. It is unfortunate that you even manage to forget punctuation, letters, and words. You even insert random capitalization for little apparent reason. You began with such a strong start, I was honestly quite surprised. It is clear that you have a competent control of English, and yet you let these things slip by you unnoticed. Did you re-read appropriately and thoroughly? Without these novice mistakes, you may have been the best within the contest. However, my eyes pick up a lot of small errors, which unfortunately does not do you well. This, however, does not diminish the overall quality of story and grasp of the English language. I hope you gained some worthwhile experience by writing this. Well done for the most part, but do remember to thoroughly re-read your piece before submission, even if you cut it too close to the last minute.
Disclaimer: For those unaware, the Track Changes mode in Word 2007+ provides an efficient and handy method to review written material. The black vertical line to the left of the written lines indicate a change edited in the corresponding horizontal written line. All font that is blue are direct changes to the original text. Words and letters that have strike-through are suggested removal and those with an underline are suggested additions. Comments, as you can see, highlight an appropriate area and are placed in the right-hand margin followed by a dotted line corresponding to the correct comment.
As always, if you have any questions or concern over specific edits or about parts of your story in general, I would be happy to discuss them.
Images from my Word document are below.
Disclaimer: For those unaware, the Track Changes mode in Word 2007+ provides an efficient and handy method to review written material. The black vertical line to the left of the written lines indicate a change edited in the corresponding horizontal written line. All font that is blue are direct changes to the original text. Words and letters that have strike-through are suggested removal and those with an underline are suggested additions. Comments, as you can see, highlight an appropriate area and are placed in the right-hand margin followed by a dotted line corresponding to the correct comment.
As always, if you have any questions or concern over specific edits or about parts of your story in general, I would be happy to discuss them.
Images from my Word document are below.
1
Sound of Destiny
Inbetweener
This piece begins so flawlessly. A necessary amount of exposition and background are established, some fresh dialogue is shared, and not a single error in sight. Despite a few tense confusions attributed to your choice of first-person, it seemed like this entry would undoubtedly be amongst the best in the contest. However, after a continued read, more errors and typos begin to reveal themselves in your work. It is unfortunate that you even manage to forget punctuation, letters, and words. You even insert random capitalization for little apparent reason. You began with such a strong start, I was honestly quite surprised. It is clear that you have a competent control of English, and yet you let these things slip by you unnoticed. Did you re-read appropriately and thoroughly? Without these novice mistakes, you may have been the best within the contest. However, my eyes pick up a lot of small errors, which unfortunately does not do you well. This, however, does not diminish the overall quality of story and grasp of the English language. I hope you gained some worthwhile experience by writing this. Well done for the most part, but do remember to thoroughly re-read your piece before submission, even if you cut it too close to the last minute.
Oh, yes. My nerves got to me before the deadline hit and I was ultimately planning to forget about the contest. Of course, I had a last minute change of heart which would probably explain the lack of extensive editing and proofreading. I'll try to budget my time better next time. The confidence boost will definitely help too. Thank you for your comments Xenon.
1
Sound of Destiny
Inbetweener
Also, do you feel that it's necessary to follow grammar rules when dealing with dialogue? I try to mimic natural speaking habits, which typically lead to some grammatical error.