[Winter Contest Entry 2014] Risk of Rain

Pretty sure that's aimed at Xenon, and he may have already answered it. I can't tell because it's doing that error thing when I try to look at the second page. Either way, I figure it couldn't hurt to give my two cents.

The answer is no, you do not have to follow grammar rules. It's perfectly fine to bend or break them. Just be careful not to go too crazy. You still want the dialogue to be readable.

To be honest, I'm very glad you decided to bite that bullet even though you were questioning it. As you can see, it paid off for you and many thoroughly enjoyed it regardless.



It is of my personal opinion that within dialogue one must follow most rules of English (pertaining to appropriate capitalization, punctuation and the like), but dialogue should be considered somewhat of a cage where many rules can be broken and yet contained for the sake of emphasis on diction and pronunciation.

For example, many people say "ain't," "oughtta," or "ya'll" in the Southern United States. People might also scream in various methods like "Ahhhhhhhh!" or "Aieeeee!" or speak very fast without stopping and say "and" repetitively. They might slur words like "Naaah" or "Eeeyyup!"

In all of these cases, I often ignore a lot of errors that Word of course recognizes within quotations, but I will uphold the skeletal requirements that English typically demands. Quotations must end with punctuation. I do not believe it is acceptable to capitalize all letters of a word unless they are an acronym, that is the purpose of the exclamation mark. It is never acceptable to list multiple question marks, or exclamation marks, but that is becoming rampant. The first letter of a quotation even beginning in the middle of a sentence must be capitalized if it is the first quotation within a sentence or begins it. Also, quotations within quotations should be apostrophes: "My mother used to always say, 'Judge not,' then she'd make a big sigh before continuing, 'lest ye be judged.'"

However, do keep in mind that there are many key differences between American English, which I adhere to being a resident of America, and the Queen's English. For example, in American English we always place the punctuation inside the quotation while those who follow the Queen's English place the punctuation after it. "Like so". Using either of these methods is fine, but one must commit to following all of the rules of their preferred localization to honor consistency. If you switch often, the armour that is your honour might be lost and you may lose your colour. However, that is another discussion.

Ellipses are another example of something I personally allow within dialogue but rarely without. A third-person narrator has no logical reason to dramatically pause. "However...a character might if they want to slowly reveal that their child...is adopted." But there are also many ways to create that long pause, such as the em dash or—horizontal bar. Purists are critical that ellipses should be reserved for excluding unimportant information within a quotation. When this happens, the ellipsis is usually spaced out like . . . so. Using it either way can be acceptable as long as one is consistent.

You may have noticed in your entry that I brought up the order of punctuation when it comes to question marks and exclamation marks. Were you aware that there exists a combination? It is called the Interrobang †½ though it rarely sees use. Most people place the question mark first, however, because the sentence is a question first and foremost before the volume is modified.

As you can see, there are a lot of rules we adhere to, even if you permit yourself the freedom of going a little crazy within dialogue. Contractions are the most popular, like in your entry the girl says "Get out there and kill †˜em! . . . think of all the free crepes you’re gonna get!" I personally find that to be an acceptable use of writing out casual speech within quotations.

However, one last thing before I leave this lesson to soak in. Do keep in mind that English is constantly evolving and linguists are always arguing about which ways are the most proper. Some of these are my personal preference, as some people may hold a more strict set of rules. I personally feel you are best off by making yourself knowledgeable and aware about the guidelines of English, but you can allot yourself the ability to be yourself and write in a method that you feel comfortable. El Chacal won the judge's choice, but a lot of what he wrote in his latest entry wouldn't fly in proper writing. Take that to heart and you may learn something about yourself.

Let's get the criticisms out of the way first.

Like Xenon has pointed out, as I progressed through the story, I felt an increase sense of urgency in the writing. It is spot-free in the beginning, but by the end, your writing gets sloppy and you open yourself to a myriad of errors. Even if you did not say so, I thought it was very clear that you were probably writing with the deadline right on your heels. I know the feeling firsthand as I've been in the same situation.

Outside of errors and grammar mistakes though, I also sense that your plot ended up being rushed. The character development and the pacing is very, very steady at least for the first half of the story. However, your pacing begins to get abrupt as you get closer to the performance, and ultimately you almost entirely skip the performance giving it only a small paragraph. From what I understand, you were following a standard, introduction -> rising action -> climax -> resolution, kind of setup, except the climax is missing. I don't know if you ran out of time, or if I am simply misled in my thinking, but I figured that the performance would be the climax. I expected a deep dive into his thoughts and a description of his grand display of failure, success, and everything in between. However, that doesn't happen and the performance sort of just ends. Even the walk towards the piano had a deeper description!

Compared to the care you put into the little gestures and the dialogue of the characters, the performance was lacking for me. It was the performance and the accumulated errors that tipped the scales out of your favor for me.

Now, with all of that said and done, let me make it clear to you that this was one of my favorites works in the contest. Yes, there were errors and yes I thought that you might have rushed the ending, but my goodness, I would be doing you an injustice by not applauding you for the things you did excellently. These characters are astoundingly fleshed out. Through the actions and dialogue that you crafted with love and care, you brought these two characters to life.

At first glance I figured that this piece would be very hard to follow as it was flooded with dialogue, but it is clear that these characters have so much life and personal touch to their dialogue that I can follow with no trouble at all. That girl is just so rambunctious and that guy is so reserved that it is endearing, enticing, and hilarious, all at the same time, to read their banter. Everything about this is just so relatable, so real, and so likable, that I can't help but enjoy it. In fact, I was so caught up in the moment when I first read it, that I didn't even notice the errors. It was only after my second or third re-read that I began to see the holes in your otherwise great story.

Sound of Destiny, I hope you plan on sticking around. I'd like to at least see you challenge our contests once again with a mind that is not trying to race a deadline. Cheers! Reading Risk of Rain was a great treat and I'm glad you pulled the trigger and entered the contest.

The climax was alright for me. I thought that the climax was the time when he was walking towards the stage, when he was on the stage looking for whoever placed him there, feeling very nervous. It is not only limited to only the time when he played the piano though I still remember that the main character wasn't performing at his best somewhat. I still roughly remember the climax so I think he did a good job where that is concerned.

My issue is more with a lack of resolution. What was gained by entering the competition? (He entered the competition because of the female lead. Perhaps he might have thought of performing well to impress the female lead though this entry didn't spell it out. Now that he didn't perform as well as he ought to, what next?) Sound of Destiny left a hint here and there but I thought it could be fleshed out. I don't think the entry was about piano playing. It has more to do with the relationship between the main character and his sort-of-love-interest. Either the climax or the resolution ought to have dealt with that.

I would have definitely done that had it not been for the word limit but that excuse doesn't hold water here. My word management could have been better for sure. I just couldn't find any other scene that I was willing to cut out. Believe me, it was really hard to exclude that while listening to Chopin and Liszt concertos. I suppose you could say that he was so lost in the moment that all conscious thought disappeared. Even then, I could have spared some sentences on that.

I am thrilled that you liked the characters though. Characters are my number one priority so it really means a lot that you think so highly of them. I was a bit worried that they were a bit plain and cliche. Looks like I got that part right at least. Thank you for your comments! Every time I read criticism, I get disappointed at myself for screwing up but I also feel more motivated to quash any future blunders. You'll definitely see me in the next competition! Let's just hope that I don't put it off for too long like this time.



Well, it wasn't really about impressing her. She forced him to join because she knew that, deep down, he really did want to do it. Even though he ended up horribly disappointing himself, it didn't really matter because he did what he loved. By joining, he gained a newfound apathy towards results and public opinion. If this is really what his heart calls for then he shouldn't try and hide that, no matter how bad it is. That's why he tells her at the end that he plans to join more in the future. He isn't cripplingly afraid of being judged and losing anymore. You could say it mirrors what ended up happening in real life as well. It's quite sardonic that my own loss was foreshadowed in a story inspired by me joining a competition. Life sure has a cruel sense of humour.

Anyway, it appears that you emphasize the romance quite a bit. I won't tell you that you're wrong because I know better than anyone that this was written with romantic context in mind but, personally, I feel that it's a non-factor. They're old friends and she merely wants to assist him in getting over a long time phobia while indulging herself in classical music. Anything more complicated that is up to your own interpretation. But that's really just a way for me to cover up my shoddy distribution of words and hardcore cramming habits. :3

Goes to show that I learn something new everyday! For some reason, I didn't detect that our main character had had an irrational fear of performing nor did I detect a wish to overcome that fear. It felt that the female lead was playing a prank on the main character who had an interest in music but had no desire to participate in competitions. Why did our hero allow this? Why did he earnestly prepare for a competition he didn't want to enter? Does he have feelings for her? So I thought.

So I didn't look too much into the words, "Better luck next time." and "Oh, and since you started this, you better believe I’m dragging you out to each and every one.” A sentence reaffirming that the main character has had his interest in performance kindled would help I thought.