leonard267 Posts

The story proper is the exposition and the backstory in this case. You might have read the draft in the Cesspit which does not even cover what David did when he entered the city instead ending off as a cliffhanger. (I have edited it so that the ending is contained in a spoiler. I intend to pen another ending to that story.)

The long exposition and backstory should be consistent with my tastes in reading. Who the characters are? Where they are? What are they doing? All of these questions I would like addressed.

Finding our female lead is not really the point of the story. Isn't finding a woman much easier than going clearing that cesspit which is a civil war? The point of the story is to explain why that woman mattered.

As to how it drags on and on and on, I would be glad if you give me a few examples from the story. I believe it is the impression that I am not getting to the point of whether our female lead is found.

I do have some barbs to throw at you for your entry, though if it pleases you, I enjoyed your entry.



Splendid satire. I now understand how you felt when you read my entry. I want to reproduce our quarrel in this thread. Now that I am done writing this, I want to argue with someone.

I have to congratulate you being able to read through all that! Must be hard on you. There are two endings I envisioned for the story. This is the first one that I dedicated for the Valentine Writing Event.

https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/valentine-2014-the-aristocrat-the-peasant-and-the-city

I don't really write romance stories. However, if romance stories were written like the story I have shown you, I might read it. The male lead is borderline autistic, the female lead is dirt ugly and they have a bloody civil war to fight! My kind of story!

I am done with my entry. The ending might be laughter inducing. Who knew that I am giving a counter-factual historical lesson? Now, would I do the other unpleasant ending?

https://www.fakku.net/forums/writing-and-fanfiction/valentine-2014-the-aristocrat-the-peasant-and-the-city

I agree with Xenon. Do scrap the word limit. If it is too long for some readers, then the reader is at liberty not to read it. Even shorter entries might be difficult to understand.

I am done with my entry.

The Aristocrat, The Peasant and The City

The Ruined City, so called by many a person, stretched ever more across the horizon as David, a scion of a powerful line of politicians, establishment figures and warlords, was brought nearer to that city by an extremely noisy military transport accompanied with his soldier comrades.

David's destination was long ago a gleaming metropolis and a great centre of trade and commerce that was regrettably brought to its knees by being one of the first victims of a long, bloody and devastating civil war. That city fell into the clutches of many a warlord who lost hold as soon as they gained control with another round of plunder, pillage and rape for each change of hands. After many self-styled conquerors foisted their names onto that city in a display of disgusting egocentricity, the city was given that awful moniker, The Ruined City, by the man on the street to avoid confusion among her many names and perhaps to dissociate it from what it once was.

By the time the city fell under the control of David's family, the Ruined City was no more than a collection of ugly monoliths made of bones of steel, bodies of concrete and skins of glass. It must have struck those who took as much as a glance at the city to realise the destruction that terrible war wrought on life, property and much more. Indeed, it made those whose hearts were not hardened by the war feel as if their victory was a Pyrrhic and a hollow one.

Even David, who was no stranger to war felt his spirits slowly sink as he got nearer to the city with each passing second. He would rather be placed on missions that would help him and his family to wrest control over the whole country never mind that the civil war is drawing to a close in his family's favour. Under normal circumstances, he would have resisted taking part in what he unfairly thought as an empty charade of boosting morale and placating a handful of civilians in the Ruined City. As it was, David's reasons for heading to the Ruined City were much closer to the heart.

He was looking for an Elizabeth, a woman whom he held at very high esteem. Be it may that she was an unsightly woman with her freckled, dark beige complexion, her thick and closely knitted eyebrows crowning her eyes, her stubby and flat nose and her short, sturdy almost masculine figure, David found her a charismatic, resilient and above all a competent soldier, a person as worthy as the best officers his family sent to the pride, pomp and circumstance of that war.

Their first encounter with each other was barely romantic. Indeed, neither of them would ever admit to having anything resembling a romantic relationship with each other. There were no pleasant sights, no pleasant smells and the atmosphere was far from pleasant when they first met in the gruesome military training grounds ran by David's family. David, that modern aristocratic officer was teamed with the far from modern and not-so-aristocratic Elizabeth. There were very noticeable differences between them, be it of class, personality, outlook in life and so on.

David believed that Elizabeth, like so many of his comrades in arms, was from a family of peasants who lived from hand to mouth, doomed to be farmers, labourers or soldiers. David could only guess that her personality and her astounding ability at rabble rousing and leadership must be honed at the fields. Many a time, he imagined Elizabeth leading a few others, perhaps younger relatives, to till the fields. She looked every inch a person who toiled under the sun and she had a deep knowledge of plants and insects, all characteristic of a farmer. David observed that she knew little beyond agricultural techniques, weapon use and assembly and the art of persuasion but demonstrated remarkable physical and mental resilience. These too must be a result of the hard work she had to go through as a farmer and the social stigma she bore due to her lowly status.

Whether Elizabeth could tell what kind of upbringing he had had as a member of what would be the most powerful family that ruled the country, David did not know for sure. However, Elizabeth displayed surprising sensitivity that was quite uncharacteristic of her at the very occasional mention of his years as a child. The annals of history portray princelings like David either as being pampered and spoilt or thrown in at the deep end of the pool. It was painfully apparent that David was the latter. He was brought up in a spartan lifestyle with his stern mother, one of many of his father's concubines, as his companion and was deprived of the luxuries his family could well afford. Under the guidance of his mother, he was taught to love and fear his father, an unquestioning loyalty towards his family and country was inculcated in him, he was given the best education possible, he had to manage his own affairs with little to no help and he learnt how to conceal his emotions through the coaxing, chiding and the occasional beating by his mother. He barely had any contact with his father but it was under his orders that he was inducted into his private army when he became a teenager first as a lowly recruit and who rose to the rank of a junior officer within a few short but trying years.

Their formative experiences in their youth must have shaped their personalities that were as different night and day. Elizabeth was an ebullient extrovert while David was silent and inscrutable. Elizabeth was more concerned and more comfortable with tasks at hand while David cared more and preferred setting out long term objectives. Yet, they were brought together to handle the most challenging of tasks, be it the execution of tactical manoeuvres, the transport of military supplies, the operation of heavy weapons all the while operating in the most demanding of environments. Instead of allowing their differences to become obstacles to working together, they complemented each other's strengths and made up for each other's weaknesses. It was no surprise that the company that they led together did well in many of the military operations they undertook.

As the years passed and the country slipped inexorably into chaos, David gained prominence in his family's armed forces and enjoyed a meteoric rise through the ranks. With that came a few inconveniences. There was a lot of gossip by many a green-eyed soldier that his rise could only be possible due to his family ties, a point that David himself admitted to be true. He had to handle yet more responsibilities under the backdrop of an impending war that could range from mobilising troops to the bizarre attempts at getting a man of war like himself to engage in diplomatic overtures to possible allies and potential enemies. What bothered him the most is that Elizabeth, together with a few others that worked with him, were not recognised for their contributions to his family's army despite their supposed commitment to reward its soldiers based on merit. David knew the reason to be class prejudice. Yet, being indoctrinated since young to think for his family and enterprise, he saw it as a problem that needed to be addressed.

He recommended a few reforms to his father like the way rewards were issued, punishments were awarded and for more weight to be given to recommendations and testimonies for soldiers on the ground. He recommended a few persons for promotion and a handful of sergeants to be promoted into officers, Elizabeth being one of their number. When the letters and memoranda he sent containing those recommendations went unanswered, he sent them once more with the words changed but the proposals not. By the third and failed attempt in doing so, David decided to take matters into his own hands.

What David decided to undertake was on the verge of mutinous behaviour, quite alike knighting a few officers without approval from the monarch. While he did not openly commission Elizabeth and company as officers, they were given responsibilities that only officers can assume and with a salary commensurate with those responsibilities. Most interestingly and quite unexpected of David, he chose a very peculiar but strange way to pile pressure on those who ran his family's army to give in to his demands for reform.

He hinted to his father in a letter that he intended to marry Elizabeth.

When Elizabeth first heard of this proposal, she gave a hearty guffaw. Was it not ludicrous that an aristocrat would want to have a peasant not as a mistress, not as a concubine but as partner and wife? David remembered that he gave a rare and faint smile upon seeing Elizabeth's reaction. That marriage proposal was a thinly veiled threat that took advantage of his family's prejudices shaped by society and culture. Would his family's good name be put to question if that proposed marriage were to take place? His father as expected objected and offered a qui pro quo that David wanted which was a concession on military reforms and the promotion of Elizabeth and a few others as officers.

David's ruse was largely successful but he did feel a tinge of regret that his father objected to his proposal of marriage to Elizabeth. She had all the values his family valued in their wives namely tenacity, discipline, sense of responsibility, competence and above all, loyalty. David almost enjoyed work with Elizabeth covering him and pointing out things that he could have otherwise overlooked. Perhaps most of all, she was a natural host notwithstanding her less than attractive appearance and made good company.

Against the backdrop of military promotions and a failed marriage proposal, the central government finally collapsed in a violent military coup sparking a mad scramble by opportunistic warlords over large swathes of land. The implementation of the military reforms David suggested was timely in preparing troops for battle as the skirmishes became large scale sieges with many cities, the Ruined City included, falling victim.

It took an armed strike against David's family to serve as a pretext for them to take action. Finally, troops were mobilised, supply lines were established, men were armed and battle plans were drawn. Operating from their base in hilly and rather inaccessible terrain located in the far west of the country, David's family managed to sweep through neighbouring regions with relative ease. Although their triumphs in the battlefield doubtlessly serve as a powerful boost to morale, both David and Elizabeth both knew that a long and protracted war lay ahead in the plains east of the country where troop movement is less inhibited by terrain constraints and cities and other targets while easy to seize were even more easier to lose.

Their gains on the battlefield appeared to be thrown into doubt as they vied for control of the once affluent cities of the East. War comrades, some of them close to both David and Elizabeth perished while many others were maimed in ferocious battle. Yet, the fighting spirit of David's family never seemed to waver be it due to the lust of reward or fear of punishment courtesy of David's military reforms or Elizabeth's near miraculous ability to raise the spirits of many a soldier. The mutual admiration between David and Elizabeth grew ever the more stronger in the face of the ever increasing challenges of war. Every now and then, David contemplated marriage with Elizabeth should all go well. Alas, it could have come into fruition if not for the fateful siege of the Ruined City.

The Ruined City was not dissimilar to the cities east of the country being easy to seize and yet easier to lose. Unlike the other cities, it had both strategic and symbolic value that made many an army face their demise by spending too much blood and treasure maintaining their grip on the city as they became targets for bloodthirsty and envious rivals. David's family however was determined that they would keep the city firmly in its grasp. Like the many warlords before them who occupied the city then perished, David's family believed that taking over this city would pave their way for total domination of the country. Unlike their failed and vanquished rivals, David's family knew that in order to secure the Ruined City, they must bar their rivals access to the Ruined City by controlling the many roads and paths that lead to it. That meant the need to spread their forces to surround the city. In order for that strategy to be effective however, a unit had to serve to divert attention from the attempt to surround the city. That would be done by sending a unit to mount a risky and near suicidal attack the city.

The execution of this strategy became the excuse for David and Elizabeth to part ways. They would not be leading units to take down targets together, instead they would be operating separately. Both David and Elizabeth accepted and agreed with the strategy without complaint. However, there was an unexpected commotion about who would lead the troops to stage that attack on the Ruined City. It served as one of moments in David's life he would wish to forget but never would.

It started when two officers volunteered to lead the unit to stage that daring attack. Few of those who were present when the two expressed their wish to brave death attempting to take the Ruined City were unmoved for they were awed for their accomplishments in the battlefield and their unmatched courage. Yet, the two officers who volunteered themselves were both shock and dismayed that the other should want to undertake such a dangerous task. Indeed, the two officers in question were David and Elizabeth.

In a very rare outburst, David raised his voice with his cool and gravitas almost giving way. He asked why it was deemed fit for a woman and a person of such lowly status to undertake so important a task. The retort came unexpectedly from Elizabeth who then insinuated that it was brash and irresponsible to send an officer of such importance and lineage to die in a diversionary attack. With uncharacteristic sarcasm and dryness in her voice almost reminiscent of David's demeanour, she questioned David's ability to rouse his men to lay down their lives for him and his family.

Elizabeth's words removed whatever inhibition David had that kept his emotions in check. As soon as she uttered those words, David lunged at her with an animalistic yell, with no other thought in his mind except for a powerful urge to manhandle her. Before he could lay his hands on Elizabeth however, he was brutally restrained and removed from her presence. That was to be the last time David saw Elizabeth for he was punished by incarceration for behaving in such an unruly manner while the generals of David's family acceded to Elizabeth's request to stage an attack on the Ruined City.

The strategy to take down the city was successful and it gave David's family the momentum and boost in morale so needed to establish themselves as the dominant power in the land. Nonetheless, it was not without cost. David knew enough of warfare to know that Elizabeth would have little chance of coming out of this attack in one piece. As soon as he was released from his imprisonment, he was offered the mission to return to the Ruined City which he accepted. So ends the account of the events leading to David's visit to the Ruined City to find Elizabeth and begins the account of what happened thereafter.

David spent his time en route in the military transport thinking about himself, Elizabeth and the war despite the blaring noise of the engines before replaying the final unhappy moments with Elizabeth in his head again, again and again. He recalled his shock, grief and anger at Elizabeth's resolve to seek death at the Ruined City. Shocked he was as he did not expect Elizabeth to do so. Grieved he was as he did not want Elizabeth whom he so loved to do so. Angered he was as he believed Elizabeth ought not to do so.

What were the reasons behind that decision? Despite putting in much thought, he could not find the answer to that question though it did occur to him that Elizabeth must have felt the same grief and shock when he too volunteered to be cannon fodder at the Ruined City. Would Elizabeth ever know that David made that decision out of loyalty and commitment to family and enterprise? Would she know that she angered David for usurping his role as a willing martyr for his family? Would she know that by doing so she would be taking away the life of the person David loved so much? David would love to know the answers to these questions.

Silent David was as the military transport rolled into the Ruined City. If not for his companions in the transport reminding him that they have reached their destination, he could have sat there for much longer in deep thought. Their destination within the city was a clearing within the concrete forest of ruined towers with a boulevard of shrivelled and leafless trees that lead to a sanctuary that was of traditional architecture.

In that sanctuary took place sacred rituals filled with religious and cultural significance. There the inhabitants of the Ruined City once offered prayers at important festivals marking the solstices, celebrated the birthdays of very young children and coming of age ceremonies, held grand but solemn weddings and equally grand and solemn funerals. The place was filled with a great sense of foreboding as it stank of death and visible were the scars of many years of war. David's face betrayed little to no emotion though many memories, thoughts and feelings must be swirling in his mind like powerful and invisible undercurrents. For it was within that sanctuary where David would find the person he was looking for, the beloved Elizabeth.

There were many large chambers within that sanctuary, amongst them a grim and silent room tiled with scratched marble and enclosed with grey mortar walls. That particular chamber was where the inhabitants of the Ruined City performed rituals to send off those who have departed the mortal realm. With its seats removed replaced with lines of coffins leaving behind a lonely altar, that chamber felt more like a makeshift morgue rather than a funeral parlour. In that room, David found her.

She was not what David remembered her to be. Instead of seeing the bubbly optimism and drive that so defined her, he saw a worn out and listless woman. She looked as if she was many years older than she actually was, shrivelled and dispirited. No longer she was a soldier but a mere peasant. What a horrible difference that cruel siege on the Ruined City made! Aware of how much she had suffered, David who was then walking at a brisk and fast pace slowed down, his rigid posture changing to a gentler one. Approaching her, he called her name before placing a hand softly on her shoulder.

Unexpectedly, Elizabeth gave a squawk and struggled, with her right arm flailing while the other arm made no movement for it was a bad arm. She suddenly winced in pain then calmed down. Turning her head to see who had approached her, she sprung back, landing very awkwardly on her bottom. What followed was profuse apologising to which David responded with mirthful laughter. That must be the first time Elizabeth heard him laugh.

What was David laughing at? Was it her silly, clumsy and bumbling appearance? Was it vindictive laughter to see her like this after she slighted him before the battle? Or was it pure relief that both her body and mind have survived the battle? More likely it was all three. Elizabeth may no longer be a soldier with shrapnel still embedded in her limbs and her movement possibly impaired for the rest of her life, but Elizabeth she still was. Yet, at the same time David felt that his eyes were no longer dry. He did not weep but Elizabeth started crying and bawling loudly, unsettling many in the chamber.

Both David and Elizabeth were helped to chairs where David spent some hours listening to Elizabeth. She oddly recounted the many battles and skirmishes long ago in between sobs and the occasional blowing of her nose. The experiences they and their comrades had been through and the difficulties they had to surmount were recollected by Elizabeth in astonishing detail. When the deaths and grievous injuries sustained by many a comrade and even those of their enemies came up, she sobbed and blowed her nose harder. No longer a woman of war, she saw herself as a mourner for the terrible bloodbath that was the civil war.

Interestingly enough, she did not cover the recent and successful assault on the Ruined City, the one that landed many a fine soldier in those coffins. Perhaps it was because the assault occurred so recently, she did not want to be reminded of it. David had an impression of what Elizabeth and her unit had to go through in the Ruined City through the reports he was given. It was good fortune that the enemy was caught unprepared as Elizabeth led the assault on the Ruined City. Notwithstanding that, they encountered stiff resistance which led to Elizabeth and her men being party to a dangerous exchange of fire in what was to be days of urban warfare. Men who survived and were with Elizabeth would attest to her tremendous display of courage and fearlessness as she fought, dodged and fought in the face of enemy fire, her every action and word spurred them to fight harder until reinforcements arrived. It was as if nothing mattered but victory.

It could be said that for the bravery of Elizabeth and her men the Ruined City is taken. Some questions remained unanswered. Why did Elizabeth volunteer in what could be her last battle? Why was Elizabeth and for that matter the men who fought with her so eager to lay down their lives for his family's ambition? David never asked so he never had the answers to these questions.

He could fathom a guess that Elizabeth and indeed all of their comrades who fought with them were more than willing to lay down their lives in the hopes of laying their hands on treasure, titles and a better life. Most of the soldiers he knew lived in austere conditions before finding their fortunes in war. Elizabeth, he knew, would herself be a beneficiary for her deeds on the battlefield with her family honoured and her pockets lined with gold.

Was the lure of the betterment of her life the sole reason though? David thought not. As Elizabeth's outpourings were drawing to a close, she lamented quietly that she wished she could become David's bride, something that David's family could only accept if she were of higher status and if she had rendered outstanding service. Would David be the bridegroom of a paralysed woman? In response to Elizabeth's expressed wish to be David's bride, he patted the back of Elizabeth's palm with his. There were more urgent matters at hand that he had attend to that would be more difficult given Elizabeth's condition. One thing was for sure, he would need her help doing his duties in his brief stay at the now liberated Ruined City.

It took one to two days of celebration and visiting soldiers and civilians in the Ruined City, a few more months of overcoming whatever resistance against David's family and a bit more time persuading his family for Elizabeth to be his bride. Like their relationship before the wedding ceremony, the wedding ceremony was anything for it was solemn and sacred and attended by powerful families and figures. Indeed, it was a rather harrowing ordeal for Elizabeth's family who were not used to such pomp and circumstance. More importantly, they were now bound in matrimony and were now ever the more united to face the many challenges that will present themselves being so very near to heart of power in the country.

David and Elizabeth would find themselves hard at work placating and rebuilding the country, their efforts especially concentrated at the Ruined City. Eventually, they would be honoured with peerages and titles for their hard work and dedication and will be known to the world as Lord and Lady of the once Ruined City.

One can be forgiven for summarising the story of David and Elizabeth as a fairy tale where the ugly peasant caught the eye of a prince and became a princess. For Elizabeth was no mere peasant, David was no mere prince and both had to cross rivers of blood and shed countless tears and sweat to earn what they have. Let it be that their story inspire generations to come.

Readers might know that I detest shallow romances but I have never really got down to writing what I think is a proper romance story. This will be a very rare attempt in doing so. I will express the thoughts that went through my head writing this after posting the story proper and elaborate what I found romantic about my entry.

This is intended to be a parody of xninebreaker's winning contest entry. Parodies need not be satirical. A few might notice that this deviates from my usual writing style. I found my entry to be much longer than I would like to be and I found it explaining less than I wanted it to be.

The total word count is over 4300 words. Expect zero dialogue and very complex sentence structures. high_time threatened to give a summary of the story having read drafts of it. I think I will preempt his diabolical and evil move by coming up with my own summary of the story enclosed in that spoiler.



The entry in full will be posted below.

Pokemon remark is addressed to d as well.

Add me if you play Pokémon X and Y. I want a large Friend Safari.

That said, I am working on the ending of xnine's parody.

That is a shame. While I admit to be interested in J pop culture a while ago, I find it quite disappointing that there is preponderance of young women or young males in numbers disproportional to the general population.

Not to worry. By the end of the week, you may have one more entry though I suspect it will be the same author as that of the first entry.

Should throw in some Chinese ships. They are named about mountains, regions, martyrs based on the class of ship. Like to see how they are represented. I am rooting for old and ugly men.

Exactly.

That aside, I have 2 entries for that little event of mine! That is one more than yours. I feel an overwhelming sense of superiority.

Out Xnining Xninebreaker is a near impossible to read 3000 word tome that is not even completed yet! You have leonard267 to thank for. However, this entry is not called that. If you have an entry to submit for this mock event, feel free to do so. I have laid out my expectations of normalcy in detail.

I am afraid Xenon's entry is a bit off the mark where leonard267's expectations of what is normal is concerned though I enjoyed it. When will we see someone writing like leonard267?! [size=10]To be fair, there are one or two persons who did that but long ago. [/h]



I demand proper formatting for this entry! Look at Xenon's entry!

While the Yanks are celebrating Valentine, it is 15th February where we come from. I feel like kicking something on that day. Very relevant.

On topic: Arch de Triomphe

Which perfectly explains why the both of us did not really take to it. As for me, I am not happy with what I wrote for different reasons, mainly because it felt too general and not detailed enough.

It is snidely called Out Xnining Xninebreaker.

When the Yankees celebrate Valentine, it is 15th February at where we are.

OT: Arc de Triomphe

When the Yankees celebrate Valentine, it is 15th February at where we are.

OT: Arc de Triomphe

When the Yankees celebrate Valentine, it is 15th February at where we are.

OT: Arc de Triomphe

If only I could put it simply that they are of a culture and of a profession that does not allow for silly displays of love. That was whole point of writing such a setting actually. I don't like sappy romances even though gamera68's style of writing I found excellent.

That said do you know the title of my entry?